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igij 10 GOOD WIN'S YeeKIL,Y.
IUslen feettep.
1 Ogden, Utah, May 30, 1902.
, Anent the tumble which Col. Hayes took
1 from the bench at Nome, second district of
j .Alaska, there is some history and more poli-
j tics. The history has appeared in the con-
L temporaneous press. Hayes was offered the
H ' job Van Home got, but refused it: Next he
H j; ! was. put at the head of the list of the Nome
H ) j- applicants, and Cortelyou tipped him off to
H the Associated "Press as a winner. 'Enter
H ' politics, Senator Matthew Stanley Quay
H ,- holding the strings for the Punch and Judy
H ' 1 show. The prologue has discovered to us
HB , 1 that the clerk of the court under the malo-
H j ' ' dorous Noyes was and is a henchman of the
Hi ' Pennsylvania senator. The job looks good
H! j to the clerk and he passes the word to Matt.
H The reader will please remember that Attor-
Hj ,.! ney General Knox is also from Pennsyl-
H vania.
H vfc ft Tfi
H
i The astute Quay bears no ill-will to
i Iayes;-however, he feels that the vindica-
tion of the Clerk of Alaska district No. 2,
H 'I depends upon the continuation of the clerk
Hjl, iq office. So he asks Mr. Knox to hang the
H Hayes appointment in a nice cool place un-
H til he can find out how he stands with Mr.
Hj & Hayes for one clerk, a native of Pennsyl-
H' vania. Quay sends a representative to
H I Ogden, who calls on Mr. Hayes and asks
H that the Quay candidate be reinstated. Mr.
H Hayes did not feel well that day, he was
H j hungry for a piece of Kearns' pie, or some-
H i. thing was wrong with fiis urim or thummim,
H so4ie hand'e'd. the Quay messenger a bunch-.
H "The cream is on the custard and the frost-
H ( ihg- V on-the cake," he gaily twittered,
H ! 'That clerkship shall not go to Pennsyl-
Hl! j vania.
Hh,'
H , Politics is the capital of senators, the mer-
H! !; chandise of-presidents; to the people it is
H ' like the grace of God which passeth under-
Hf ' standing; its ways are devious and its results
H ; are sometimes appalling. '
H j , v "What! this to me," the Quay began,
M h" ''Who is this captious Ogden man
H ' j i That dares to blight my hppy day
m i ) l 1 I'll make,him neither grass nor hay.
H I ' I i ,l Call up the Knox: What Warder, Ho!
B 'I'll By Wannamaker, Hayes must go."
Hi. That brings us face to" face with this
HJ proposition; If a president is desirous of a
H K- nomination by the next Republican National
jHjf Convention, which would look the better to
B m him, the 64 votes of the great State of Penn-
B lE sylvania, or the six votes from the great
H 'w State of Utah? The answer to this question
H'K will readily disclose why Judge Moore was
Hi sent to Nome instead of Col. Hayes.
IIH nP W ft
Bam- Judge Albert John Weber, erroneously
Qi called Andrew Jackson Weber, is authority
dHH" for the statement that the Democratic party
IHM of Weber county is absolutely harmonious.
HEBE! He bases his remarkable statement on the
fact that each faction wants the other fellow
to nominate the ticket this fall. Even to a
Democrat the situation is not without hu
mor. The old line Democrats, with Hamer
as chairman, are in the saddle, but with Can
non in the fight the insurgents will be there
, with the goods. The old liners, like the
American soldier, will have to fight the
enemy in front and the insurgents behind.
The real trouble, however, is the crying need
of a newspaper. Major Littlefield, true to
Cannon as the needle to the pole, is exceed
ingly leary of the local Democracy. His
paper is independent and there is no hope
for another organ. Hence Weber's philos
ophy with its quaint humor.
We had another striking example this
week of the fact that Bill is out of the Stand
ard. When the mayor arrived home after a
two weeks' absence, the Standard hailed his
coming with a two column flash head and a
highly colored, egotistic, braggadocio inter
view. When ex-Senator Cannon arrived
after a year's absence, the Standard gave
him passing mention. After all, there is a
good deal of truth in Major Littlefield's re
mark that the higher a monkey climbs the
more he shows his tail.
A Bit of Philosophy.
It may be laid down as a well authen
ticated fact that lovesickness is by no
means an incurable malady. In fact there
are three remedies any one of which is
guaranteed to cure, and should all three be
combined, they would effectually eradicate
the most consummate case of love sickness
that ever existed.
The first remedy is seasickness. When
a love stricken swain makes a rapid
allegro movement towards the rail of an
ocean vessel and casts his bread upon the
waters in an impromptu and unpoetic fash
ion, any tender sentiment he may at the
time entertain, is pretty apt to accompany
the contribution to the fishes. A good solid
case of nausea is a mighty good counter
irritant, a well authenticated instance of
similia similibus curantur. The second
remedy is to contract smallpox. This is
worse than seasickness, but it is very ef
fectual, and gives the system such a scour
ing that lovesickness is cast out with the
other deleterious elements previously find
ing lodgment in the system. Then the
waffle mould physiognomy consequent upon
a close acquaintance with this exhilarating
and interesting malady is a strong and
additional incentive to shed the tender
passion, and become oblivious to the
charms of the gentler sex.
The third and by far the most agree
able remedy, and one that is by far the
most popular, is, to get another girl. There
is a great deal in that laconic, stoic, calm
and unemotional philosophy of "There are
others." The truth of that saying no one
will venture to dispute. There is a shad
ing as by a dissolving view process from
the old to a new feminine attraction
through which lines deeply engraven upon
the memory may become gradually blurred,
if not entirely erased by the prompt appli
cation of this last remedy. And in the new
found flame, the ruddy glare of a former
love becomes a fitful, uneventful and in
consequential glow. This is an improve
ment on seasickness or smallpox. It is also
an immense improvement on suicide as the
panacea for unrequited love. While there
is life there is hope, and everybody knows
that a change of climate and surroundings
is always restful; and the man who would
seek relief in removal to Hades is foolishly
and fatally off color in his philosophy. The
ethical side of his nature has been badly
balanced. He has rats in his belfry, there
is cateract on his mental vision, his per
spective is not merely fanciful and fan
tastic, but positively and fatally grotesque
and chaotic. For a description of his wits
one may refer to that line from Virgil's
Aeneid descriptive of the companions of
Ulysses in shipwreck, and which has been
applied with more or less caustic sarcasm
to the number of oysters in a church fair
soup,
"Adparent rari nantes in gurgite vaste."
(Here and there they are visible
Swimming in the vast whirlpool.)
But, by what process of reasoning can it
be explained why any man will drown him
self in a canal, turn himself into a whisky
still, make a shredded biscuit of his head
with a double barreled shotgun, use his
jugular vein as a razor strop, pit tl e pit of
his stomach against the potency and power
of a wide and assorted variety of poisons,
calmly lay down to sleep in front of an ex
press train, jump from a fourth story win
dow and break his neck, or fall down the
funnel of an ocean steamer, all because a
bit of fair femininity gives him the frozen
face and the frosty mit? And this, when
in the vernacular of New Hampshire, "The
woods is full on 'em."
There is no sense in self-inflicted in
juries on this score or on any other score
for that matter. If a disappointed lover
must do something really pyrotechnic to
compensate his sense of a deep and lurid
hiatus within the inmost chambers of his
being, let him chase the greased pig, climb
a soft soaped pole decorate himself with
ribbons and have a -sympathetic friend
wheel him in a borrow down the principal
business street, let him solicit funds with
which to purchase liver pads for the natives
of the Aleutian islands, or red neckties for
the Patagonian Indians; or even let him
write the life and struggles of that great
and pious man, who founded St. Kearns
orphanage. Such resources as these ought
to satisfj; the most exacting nature, and at
the same time be accepted as a touching
tribute to the far-reaching powers of the
Fair Sex. At the same time, if the griev
ing party thinks this insufficient, he must
insert a "Till forbid" adv of himself in the
daily papers as the only and original liv
ing impersonation of a canvas backed ham.
