Newspaper Page Text
I Fantastic Fables AmJJBimc
B (The following are a number of fables from
B "Fantastic Fables," written by Ambrose Bierce a
B number of years ago. The book is now out of
B print and copies are difficult to find. The fables
B are a perfect exemplification of the Bierce brand
B of clever satire.)
B The Moral Principle and the Material Interest.
B A Moral Principle met a Material Interest on
B a bridge wide enough for but one.
B "Down, you base thing!" thundered the Moral
B Principle, "and let me pass over you!"
B The Material Interest merely looked in the
B other's eyes without saying anything.
B "Ah," said the Moral Principle, hesitatingly,
B v "let us draw lots to see which shall retire till the
B other has crossed."
B The Material Interest maintained an unbroken
B silence and an unwavering stare.
m "In order to avoid a conflict," the Moral Prln-
B ciple resumed, somewhat uneasily, "I shall myself
B lie down and let you walk over me."
H Then the Material Interest found a tongue.
B and by a strange coincidence It was its own
B tongue. "I don't think you arc very good walk-
B ing," he said. "I am a little particular about
B what I have underfoot. Suppose you get off into
B the water."
B It occurred that way.
H
fl The Blotted Escutcheon and the Soiled Ermine.
m A Blotted Escutcheon, rising to a question of
B privlege, said:
B ! "Mr. Speaker, I wish to hurl back an allegation
B , and explain that the spots upon me are the
B ' natural markings of one who is a direct descend-
M I ant of the sun and a spotted fawn. They come
B of no accident of character, but inhere in the di-
B vine order and constitution of things."
M When the Blotted Escutcheon had resumed his
B seat a Soiled Ermine rose and said:
Hi "Mr. Speaker, I have heard with profound at-
M tention and entire approval the explanation of the
M honorable member, and wish to offer a few re-
B marks on my own behalf. I. too, have been foully
B calumniated by our ancient enemy, the Infamous
M Falsehood, and I wish to point out that I am
M , made of the fur of the Mustela maculata, which
B j Is dirty from birth."
B ' The Moral Sentiment.
B A Pugilist met the Moral Sentiment of the
B I Community, who was carrying a hat-box. "What
B have you in the hat-box, my friend?" inquired the
H Pugilist
B ' "A new frown." was the answer. "I am bring-
B lng it from the frownery the one over there
B I with the gilded steeple."
B "And what are you going to do with the nice
B h new frown?" the Pugilist asked.
B ! "Put down pugilism if I have to wear it night
B and day," said the Moral Sentiment of the Com-
B munity, sternly.
Hi "That's right," said the Pugilist, "that is right.
B ! my good friend; if pugilism had been put down
B yesterday, I wouldn't have this kind of a nose
B today. I had a rattling hot fight last evening
H
B "Is that so?" cried the Moral Sentiment of the
B Community, with sudden animation. "Which
B licked? Sit down here on the hat-box and tell
B me all about it!"
H The Christian Serpent.
H A Rattlesnake came home to ' s brood and
H Baid: "My children, gather abouo .nd receive
K your father's last blessing, and see how a Chris-
H tian dies,'
B "What ails you, Father?" asked the Small
H Snakes.
B !
MB 1 ...jo -4. ,. .
unSBBBIBiBMBSIBHH
"I have been bitten by the editor of a partisan
journal," was the reply, accompanied by the om
inous death-rattle.
Alarm and Pride.
"Good morning, my friend," said Alarm to
Pride; "how are you this morning?"
"Very tired," replied Pride, seating himself
on a stone by the wayside and mopping his
steaming brow. "The politicians are wearing me
out by pointing to their dirty records with me,
when they could as well use a stick."
Alarm sighed sympathetically, and said:
"It is pretty much the same way here. In
stead of using an opera-glass they view the acts
of their opponents with me!"
As these patient drudges were mingling their
tears, they were notified that they must go on
duty again, for one of the political parties had
nominated a thief and was about to hold a grati
fication meeting.
A Causeway.
A Rich Woman having returned from abroad
disembarked at the foot of Kneedeep Street, and
was about to walk to her hotel through the mud. j
"Madam," said a Policeman, "I cannot permit
you to do that; you would soil your shoes and
stockings."
"Oh, that is of no importance, really," replied
the Rich Woman, with a cheerful smile. j
"But, madam, it is needless; from the wharf
to the hotel, as you observe, extends an unbroken'
line of prostrate newspapermen who crave the
honor of having you walk upon them."
"In that case," she said, seating herself in a
doorway and unlocking her satchel, "I shall have,
to put on my rubber boots."
A Prophet of Evil.
An Undertaker Who Was a Member of a Trust
saw a Man Leaning on a Spade, and asked him
why he was not at work.
"Because," said the Man Leaning on a Spade,
"I belong to the Gravediggers' National Extor
tion Society, and we have decided to limit the
production of graves and get more money for
(Continued on page 25)
IHyK- 1mBBP' - S3l - B'JJBmE i-. 1la rraPBZM
Phut Underwood & Underwtod, AT. T,
THE EX-SULTAN OF MOROCCO PHOTOGRAPHED BEFORE THE SPHINX AND PYRAMIDS.
This unique picture shows Abd-el-A!iz (who was recently dethroned by his brother, Muley Hufld,
the present Sultan,) in Egypt. The ox-Sultan recently set out from Tangle: s in order to malce a pil
grimage to Mecca But after landing In Syria and sponding some time in Egypt he eUdently changed
Ills planB for ho returned to Tangiors by way of Marseilles, i
