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GOODWIN'S WEEKLY 13 H
The Fable of the Man Who Forced Himself In
Without an Invitation
(Copyright 1912 By John T. McCutchcon)
ONCE? there was an Office Holder
prominent In avoirdupois and of
ficial life. His name was Will
and he had such a genial smile that
helpful friends boosted him up from
one job to another until he found him
self precariously near the top.
At this time the Top was fully Oc
cupied by a Rugged Type who .had
Boosted himself up and was pulling
the Country up after him. He was
a Glutton for Work. Every night
when the Whistle blew he had pulled
the Country at least a foot higher
out of the mire of Political and Com
I mercial Corruption. He was a Hu
man Alarm Clock that kept the Public
Conscience awake. He dusted the
Cobwebs off of the Moral Law and
introduced the Revolutionary Idea of
the Square Deal.
The Kings of Finance, accustomed
to servile compliance to their wishes,
i Were told to Behave. It was the firot
time anybody had dared to give them
Orders and they didn't like It. They
were used to being jumped on just be
fore Election, but to be jumped on be
tween Elections was a Rude Surprise.
They perspired freely and wrathfully.
Prominent stock jobbers and Crooked
Financiers called the Rugged Citizen
a menace who was trying to overthrow
Old and Dishonorable Institutions.
As the term of the Rugged Citizen
neared Its end the Nation was with
him stronger than it had ever been
with a living man before. His Poli
cies pleased the people and they
wanted them continued. So he looked
around for some one to continue the
Good Work and his eye lighted on
"By George!" quoth he. "He's made
good as a subordinate, why shouldn't
he make good as a Leader? I'll try to
Boost him up to the top."
The Rugged Citizen could have had
the job again if he had said the Word,
but ho didn't want another term. All
he wanted was to have his Policies
"Now hero's Will," qouth he. "Ho
will continue along the Lines that I've
laid out. He'll carry out my policies.
Won't you, Will?"
"Sure," quoth Will," "I'll carry them
"All right," said the country, 'if you
say he's all right, we'll take him."
And so the Rugged Citizen boosted
Will up to the Top. Will went into
office as the executor of certain splen
did Policies. Ho at once became the
exeoutioner. He put the 'tory" in
Victory. He put the " can" in Repub
lican. His genial smile melted his
backbone The old Gang which had
been kicked all over the White House
lot came back and put their feot on
the Executive Table. They gave in
structions as to how the Policies were
to be carried out, and in a short time
he Policies were carried out and
dumped into the Potomac.
In three months the country Was
Fighting Mad. Will was not deliver
ing the Goods according to expecta
tions and agreement. In three months
a great invincible Party was shattered
by Revolt and Disapproval. The Old
Guard was back again in the Saddle.
The people awakened abruptly to the
fact that they had been tricked again,
and they were soro clean through.
"Don't mind them, Will," said the
Old Guard, "it's three years till Elec
tion and they'll forget it long before
then. Give 'em a few genial smiles
now and then."
Then they went out and laughed in
their sleeves. Senators laughed, plu
tocrats laughed, but the genial smile
of Will lost much of its spontaneity.
In the meantime a robust and hungry
Vampire known as the Payne-Aldrich
tariff bill rested joyously in the pock
etbooks of the people.
But for some reason, which alarmed
the old politicians,, the people refused
to forget. They had been fooled once
too often. They nursed their resent
ment and with a grim smile looked
forward to 1912.
Then the Rugged Citizen returned
and found hio invincible party split
into a million pieces. The G. O. P.
had loBt the G. In two short years
the great structure which he had so
lidified had been undermined. He was
heartbroken. Ho was sad, and then
by slow degrees he got Mad. He saw
his pet Policies moss covered and ne
glected. He saw the Executor of his
Policies enshrined in the camp of the
enemy, smiling genially while the
Party crumbled to pieces.
"He played you false!" quote the
Rugged Citizen to the People. "I
trusted him, but he was weak. By
George! I don't want to got in this
fight again, but I've got to."
With that he threw his Hat in the
Will was mad. He knew that ho
hadn't the ghost of a Show in a fair
fight. He knew ho had disappointed
the people who had trusted him, and
that they were waiting for him with
teeth set. So he turned in despair to
the Old Guard to save him.
"Well," said the Old Guard, "the
people are pretty sore. Wo can't do
anything if they get a chance to ex
press themselves. But in the South
you have your Office Holders. It's no
trick at all to line them up, so you're
sure of tho southern states. That
makes nearly half of the votes neces
sary to nominate, and If the people
were against you 100 to 1 they couldn't
keep you from getting those Dele
gates. "Then there are the states that
we control by patronage and party
machinery. The people can't prevent
our getting those Delegates unless
they have primaries, and we must see
that they don't get their primaries.
Then we've got the National Commit
tee, and with that as a club we can
win in spite of the people."
So they fought the Primaries and
Froze out the People. The latter had
no chance to express themselves ex
cept in ten or twelve states.
BUT HOW THEY DID EXPRESS
Will was snowed under. One state
after another snowed him under with
frightful unanimity. He was mad.
"I'm in this fight to the end," quoth
he, regardless of tho humiliating sig
nificance of the Primary Votes. The
big Republican states buried him un
der an avalanche of disapproving
"If Ohio declares against me," said
he, as the truth dawned upon, him, "I
will consider that decisive."
And Ohio buried him under in a
Landslide of Repudiation. So he
changed his mind aoout getting out
and built IiIb hopes on success by
manipulation and strategy. He knew
the party didn't want him, but why
allow pride to Interfere with his am
bitions? he had pride he would
have witharawn after . Illinois and
Pennsylvania had overwhelmed him.
But no, not while the National Com
mittee held the reins.
'So he stayed in the fight and tho
Old Guard and the southern states
and the National Committee and the
Police rammed him down the throats
of tho Party.
Moral If you can't get an invitation
to a party, get the janitor to let you
in at the back door.
THE AMATEUR DIPLOMAT.
I do not often pine or sigh,
Yet now I'm glum;
Ambitions' that were once sky high
Have fallen some.
I wrote a charming ryhme to Sue
And one to Jane;
Each breathed a love forever true
In sweet refrain.
I hoped these verses to confuse
And so cause grief;
Have Sue get Jane's and Jane get
And me relief.
If I had mixed those letters up,
What joy for me!
Who'd share with me Dan Hymen's
This was my eager, anxious hope,
But in my haste
Each in its proper envelope
The ryhmes I placed.
Now I've three ibreach of promise
To face in time;
Thus ends rny plural love pursuits:
Love is a crime
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