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Dakota County herald. (Dakota City, Neb.) 1891-1965, December 02, 1899, Image 7

Image and text provided by University of Nebraska-Lincoln Libraries, Lincoln, NE

Persistent link: http://chroniclingamerica.loc.gov/lccn/2010270500/1899-12-02/ed-1/seq-7/

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i Georgie's Gab I
After mo itiid pnw ntnl the Pupp Had
Blved on paw's Cookoii Four days paw
aavs:
"Well, I ain't ngoin to Put tip With
Thin Outrage enny linger. 1 Bin up
-aglust mini." Cold propposlslieus In uy
Time iiml I was Run over By a Skoreh
or Wuiist. But this here Thing of Botn
left to Starve' ly it Hart Iran Womua
while Slu'rf n-.vay oaten Fritters and
frosted Cake three times n lny I il
Little Bit li Worst Thing that ever
Impelled !;. me. nnd It ain't dola my
tdsriiui a Hit of Good."
It tnfelii-i! my Hart to Look at paw.
lie luid a Fad couutcnuncc and a'lotir
47 Greece Spots on Ills Bizncss Soot.
The pupp was the only one what Seem
ed to (Jit along all rite on Paw's cook
en, Bocoz he wnsent lirot up to lo per
tickler about bis Vlttles and got most
of fiie stuIT paw cooked fer Me ami
himself.
So paw Sod we was goiu 'to Go and
!it maw and Little Albei t and the next
I:ty we went on the Throe oelock trnno.
We got the Itawsons to keep the pupp
till we !ot Hack, and when wo come
out of the Doepn after paw Hot His
ticket the pupp was thare Lookln up In
paw's fa ep and Waggon His tale Like
If the joke was on somebuddy else.
"Blame that Dawg," paw says, "if I
Had a Club thay would Bo a nock out
rile here In One Hound, and it wouldn't
be no Chance blow nepther."
But tin' tnino com along la almut a
in 1 1 i i t and paw grabod the pupp when
the Comluckter was Ixioken the other
way and we trot in. The pupp lade
Down under the Seat and Kep party
unlet till it was Time to Git out the
Ticket. After the condnckter punched
paw's and putt a Little red card In his
hat He held out his hand and Say:
"Whai'o's the Boy's?"
"What do you menu?" paw ast.
"Ain't that your Boy?" the man says.
"Yes," paw told Iliiu. "but he's Too
young to pay."
"That Don't go on this Bond." the
4'onducktor Says. "He'll Bo sUavln
Twiet a week in a year or So. Come
on now, I ain't got no Time to Listed
to no Stories about Kates in the Fam
ily Bible."
"I guess you must Be a new man
Here," paw Says. "You Don't no the
jreneral manager of This Company is
my uncle. Ho you? What's your
name?"
The ('ondu.'ktcf Looked kind of sted
ly at paw fer a minute and then sod:
"All rite."
So he went on puuehin the Tickets,
fliid after lie was up at the other End
f the Car paw Says:
"They ain't nothln Like Ilavin' nurve
and Kcepiu' your Wits about you. I
Hope you'll take after me and always
no KtuifT to keep Cool and Camm When
you frit In Tile places. I wouldn't of
Done a Thing Like That only this Undo
run over a Cow for I'nelo Henry Wunst
and Wouldn't pay nothln."
Purly soon the Comluckter Came
Back and Leaned against the Seat In
front of us, and Says to paw:
' "So the General manager is one of
your fainhly. Is Ho? When was you
in to See tiie Old gentleman Last?"
"About a week ago," paw Says.
"It's a pity about His health, Ain't
it?"
"Yes. I Couldn't Help notusen Ho
was faileu purty Fast. I Told him he
was Foolish to work So hard. He ot
to take a Best."
"I sposo you didn't ast hini fer a pass
Bceoz you Felt so Sorry fer Him," the
Condnckter i-vi.vs.
"Oh. no," pa w anscrd, "I Didn't no I
was Coin then anil I ain't Had no time
to Tend to it Since."
"Look here," the Condtiekter Says,
purty mad, "the General manager's
Been in Yoorup for Six months, and if
lie had emi.v Kcelasheus like you I
lon't Spose IIo'il F.ver Come Back to
try to live it Down. Now I want a
Ticket fer that Boy."
Then the pupp Seen thay was Sum
tliiug roiii. (Join on So he Crawled out
From under the Seat and Begin to
Bark.
"Where's the Best of the Fambly,"
the Comluckter ast. "You ain't got a
goto or a can" or a goose or ennything
Like that witli you. Besides the Boy
and the Dawg, Have you?"
"Don't git funny," pa.w says, Oiviu
the pupp a kick that madu evcryhiid
ily in the car lake an interest. One
man Jiot Behind us Hollered:
"1 goss you made a mistake. You
wanted l. Gil on the Cattle Trane,
Didn't you?" and anuther one on the
other side says to the Condnckter:
"You Bet'ter x.-icli Him. Mebho he
Has a Babbit or Two Consealed about
his piirson."
Then paw St 1 up and Shook his
list at Tlieiu and Hollered:
"You Fillers ot to (iit a .Tol) With
Sunie Slio. Tlieiu Jukes Is So Brlte
the public!; would go Crazy .over
Thein."
Kverybtid.ly in the Car Laft. But me
and paw Couldn't tell whether it was
at the other fellers or us.
So paw nettled fer me and we Tool;
1lie pupp nnd went in the S Moken Car
aim i ne n. xi Tensilon was wnare wo
Got off.
Wheimio and paw and the I'upp was
standcii on the platform All alone and
the Trane bad went on I says:
Paw, Did you Haft to luru to keep
nil and caiiini in tite places or did !t
, come natch." rel to You?"
w lie set His satchel Down kind
v. u and put his Hand on mi lied
ani i.vs:
vge. Sum nay you are agolu to
n l B a man If your life !s
.....I ii 77. 1 oir hot
mite t-ave
n. Then when thuyvi- Tu the
Tones or your iruooie mniuo iicn
wliatv thay ot to Have Luv for you !u
1..IM. itt'cst thay ain't nothing But DIs
i -;eil; you will n what It in to Iw ,
- l.l I . IV M. - il...
w ith a surpciit s tontii liitci
ii.iit. Say, If !;;; tell the 1 1 1 1 U
... : i 1 ... 1 1 r what hnpeuoil ooiuill
, I'll In. ike every linlie iu Jolll'
( 'hfeago Ti s Herald.
MANNER OF FIGHTING.
ll. , lot.
if a llunuii.iu S,i-ci" Mn.le
li-liiim l.iiiurr.in.
,i n-ii si.'iy. hut it is true ii' lii"
if a man im sues "F, It. G
h s name count for fad. We
T'li-i i
S." aflel
nil know lie
.-ar " a loir', thin L'.-n:!e-
man like an ol'in-'.tn d pickerel thai of
tcu un'iipics a iall iu our fish ui irli' ts
A
I'.t'A . -!' :
at Jul!.
clItl.N . 1' I
1,1! II. -I
li..,lih-."
GAR'S
They rarely attain a )enr.l of over
twelve Itichps here, but at Am, FIJI,
and thereabouts they grow much lamer
ami the bill, n mi ill with sharp teeth.
Is n weapon to be dreaded. The tlsh
bask habitually at the very surface of
the wntpr and become extremely ex
cited and lu the larger specimens vi
cious at tli slightest alarm.
The gentleman vwho donerlbos the In
cident was collecting specimen of
shells along the reef iu the Aril Islands,
natives towing the boat nlong the by
ways, tossing the useless specimens
and bunches of coral overboard again.
In doing thto he noticed that almost In
variably the large gar that were In
the vicinity would start out of the wa
ter and dash nway at headlong speed,
glancing In and out of the water like
a shot. One of the llsh coining near the
boat, ho observed that as soon as Its
direction could bo determined the na
tive lifted up a peculiar tlat basket that
he carried and held It as a shield, at the
same time raising his chili.
The Idea of using a basket as a shield
seemed a comical one, but was never
theless a good one, ns a few moment
later a native some Itpii yards to the left
lifted a huge branch of coral and, bull
ing entiling in It, hurled it back again.
It fell with a loud crash and almost !n
stanly four or five gars darted from
the' water, rushed away with Incredi
ble speed. Two of the largest came
flying toward the boat, clearing the
water and glancing out again, and the
native had barely time to utter n warn
ing cry when one of tliir. passed di
rectly over where his head had been a
moment before. The other came full at
the native. For a second It was under
the water, then out with a bound, flash
ing In the sunlight like a meteor.
The quick eye of the native, however,
had followed :t and, stopping back, he
raised the thick basket shield and re
ceived the flying gar full upon it. The
blow wns so heavy that for the Instant
the man staggered and was nearly
thrown over, while the fish, evidently
stunned and confused by this sudden
arrest of Its progress, lashed the water
about him into foam. A spear was
soon put iHtji It and the dangerous liv
ing arrow thrown into the boat.
Hawaiian Weeklv.
Cacti in a Hot lo.
A new method of growing cacti has
been discovered" in the botanical gar
dens of Berlin. All that Is required Is
a shapely bottle, a little rich earth and
a few cactus seeds that, can be bought
of any florist for a few cents. Bottle
In which creme do input ho or some o(
the other cordials usually come, an
well adapted to this purpose on account
of the clearness of the glass and the
grace of their shape.
Having secured the buttle, cleanse it
thoroughly and then put earth in it un
til the bottom is covered to a height o(
about an inch. Sprinkle this earth well,
almost soaking wet, and then throw In
three or four cacltus .seeds. Close the
bottle snugly with a tight-fitting cork
and seal It close with sealing wax. Tie
a strong cord around the nock of the
bottle and hang It iu a window that the
sun roaches for at least several hours
every day. In cold weather the bottle
must not bo exposed. The living room,
with a constant temperature of To de
grees or more, suits the experiment ad
mirably. Then the entire process of
growth can be watched with no .small
Interest The opening and rooting of
the seeds, and the gradual development
of the plants will follow, almost as if by
m:ig!c.
London Tailor lo Not Kit.
"The best that cau be said of the
clothes imported by American men
from London is that they are well
made," said Nelson It. Huntington of
New York, who has spent years abroad
in the study of tlio hospitals. "They,
never lit. Indeed, the art of mislit
seems to be carefully studied. The
garments of both men and women
never set well, and even the actresses,
who are supposed to bo exacting, suf
fer from the inability or indisposition
of the Bnglish tailors to lit the figure.
The finish, however, shows line nmf
thorough workmanship. The. French
achieve bettor tits, but the work Is
atrocious, making the best garments
look cheap and hurried. Not even Im
portant buttons are secure. American
tailors and dressmakers surpass every
thing in Kurope in making a tit, and the
finish compares favorably with the
F.ngllsh. The New-Yorkers who im
port garments made by Poole anil other
fashionable l.ouilau tailors had them
retlileil by American tailors until a
year or two ago, when the latter re
fused to loinh tlieiu at any price."
Philadelphia North American.
'J'lic Last Opportunity.
The bile Col. Hubert G. 1 ugersoll, the
famous skeptic, told many stories of
experiences which grew out of tin. com
mon knowledge of his skepticism. One
of these related to a visit which he
nine made to Hev. Phillips Brooks, be
fore Doctor Itrooks becanie a bishop.
Calling m Doctor Brooks, be was re
fused admission because, as the ser
vant said, il was "sermon day," and
some of Doctor Brooks' own homo peo
ple had already been denied admission.
But Doctor Brooks learned Hint Inger
soll was at the door, and sent out word
that ho should come in.
Alter the interview, and as Colonel
Ingei'Holl was about to leave, he said:
"Doctor Brooks, your man told mo
I bat you had denied yourself to some
of your home people this morning. Now
bow is it that you have admitted me, a
htrangerV"
"Oil, thill's iplite easy," said Doctor
Brooks, laughing. "They are my
church members, and 1 shall see tlieiu
again, here or In heaven, but Isn't it
right for ine to consider yir..r belief,
and that I shall probably never moot
llrlilearoom K.-nt A",y
A Polvnesian bridegroom f. conspU
lions by Ids absence diirlUL
the wed
ilinir
l imis
drill"
l.llsll
festivities. Ah soon I
R Ilegnlta-
ire n!. -tied with Hie fai
l he joiiug man is "se;
' ami there he 'is obllt
lly of I lie
t I tl 1 1 1 tile
d to slay
llle coin
until Hi.' u
pleled.
Iding enreiiM.iii,
Will l.e liipoin Ing.
Ail I ::i-!.-U scientist lio jtll'lt liiiiid
;i:r c.uiii'ii do the great thl )s --t . . I
1. 1' il :i a -.iiirce of Jxiw er of i .l rl.-i'
alien. Tie' 1 od of Inanufg hiv is sio-h
that it c. ii. not pay,' to use lie air pro-
,l.i. e. bv i!: evaporation
1 1 ion r tie
f an jnt'in.
of lie 'boa it
f the lillii
f.,1- ; he til-- IHllsionJ of
llgllic. I ot
ri !'i i;:crar.oii a luinp
U' of the b juld air.
I
a
hot
FOR LITTLE FOLKS.
A COLUMN OF PARTICULAR IN
TEREST TO THEM.
Something that Will Intercut the Ju
venile Member of Kverjr Household
-(.lualnt Action anil Bright Payings
of Many C ute and Cunning Children.
ncp a spool of cotton In the Inside
pocket of your coat, and, having thread
ed a reedle with the beginning of the
cotton, pass the needle through t'ae
front of the coat, unthread the needle
and leave almut two Inches of the cot
ton banging ns If It were only n stray
piece. The first person you meet will
be sure to pick It off for you, and his
astonishment, when hp find there is
no etui to It, will give plenty of Innocent
f-.-.n.
A Narrow l'.cipe.
Mary's tlo'.l ami Anna'
Are siptiiin: cutnhric ten,
And they are as happy
As dollies well can ISo.
Sin-; a lion enter.
Also na Indian lmivc.
Oil, t bo hapless dnllies!
Will no one come to save?
Haste, fiitnl little mothers,
Win revi-r you limy lie,
If you don't come ipiiekly
Deuil dollies we shall ee.
Here they come a-cliiirging;
This doe not look like fun
Indian lirnvc and linn
Conclude 'tis best to run.
Were you Ki ureil, sweet babies?
Well, now, no longer fear.
Nothing iiBiiin shall tempt tlieiu
To leave their children dear.
Curio on a Wilncas.
A grizzly St. Bernard proved Ibis the
other day in the superior civil court, to
the satisfaction of judge, Jury and wit
nesses. About a year ago the dog was kid
napped from a ltevcre farmer, and
stibseipieiil ly sold to a Bronklino livery
stable keeper for fifty dollars. The
Kevci'o fanner advertised, but to no
purpose. Business one day took hini
lo Brooklliie. lie was accompanied
by bis Fix-ycar-nlil daughter. They
were driving slowly through the main
street. Suddenly the child uttered a
cry.
"Book, pa! h, look! look! Carlo!
Carlo!"
There on the green, with tall extend
ed Hud eye dilated, ills great body
trembling with the excitement caused
by that voice be loved, stood kid
napped "Carlo."
"Ob, come, Carlo!" cried the child,
eagerly. There was a merry bark, and
the dog was by Hie side of the wagon
in u twinkling, wagging his busby tail
and prancing in doggish glee. The
farmer of course took possession of "the
dog. The Briioklineile laid his griev
ance before the court.
It look two days lo bear the case.
The complainant put iu evidence lo 1
liow Hint ho purchased the dog of Hie j
man who reared him. On I In- oilier
hand, Hie ilcl'olnlall t descrllieil every
mark and scar mi Hie dog.
"1 think I'll postpone the trial iu ol
der to have tin' dog iu court as a trTT"
Hess," said the judge.
A deputy sheriff brought the canine
to court the day following.
"Carlo!'' i ailed ihe livery slal.le keep
er. '! l.e dug only sniffed and moved
unci' ,;).
"on. ( "a rlo! Carlo!" cried I lie farmer's
eb'ld. The biie si. Bernard's tail
Men) 'oiind. Iu aiMiihcr second h-. w ;
i.oi -ndiiig ilou n Hi" corridor to li.s u U-tre-
s Tin- i ;i-i. Hun was siibioi. : I
lo tic jury, and nt'ic live minules' ,.
liberating the jury ft turned W illi a ci
diet lor the faiiner. l'.o-li.n Daily
Tiav i Icr.
('lit Ollll lll'IIM Ms l ill.
Tha' was railu r a useful cat ot D
Whittil.gtnn's. bin It did not ili-p'ay a
try positive kind of usefulness, as thu
ill IP
i. " Vi ' rTI T1 l-l MS f
m si ! Wrii.'1
r
store cat of a Sioux City prorory flfin
doe. Tom that la the grocery cat 1
a very familiar figure to tue custom
er, 'or he la always brlilud the cc'in
ter with the clerks. When a btindlj la
tied and the utrlnff must be broken then
It Is that Tom sprit .; up and run along
the counter, ,'rati. the string In Ida
teeth and with a deft bite and yank
part It. It I all done so quickly and
la so astonishing that the customer
think their eyes must have deeelu-d
them, as Tom cuddle down again ami
begin to purr cheerfully, waiting for
another chance to cut the strn g. The
grocery tlrm would not take a good
deal of money for their cat. and h" It
most carefully provided for.
Pmnll for HI Ate,
"Grandfather," said a saucy little bey
the other day, "how old are you?"
The old gentleman, who was much
under the ordinary size, took the child
between hi knees and said: "My dear
boy, I am ST years old. but why do you
ask?"
The little fellow replied:, "ell, It
seems to tue you are very small for
your nge."
I'le thnt "Ate" Well.
Tod's friend fronted him to a piece of
pie. It was so good that he waniol
another, but thought It would not be
polite to ask for It. So ho sidled up to
her and said: "Miss Turk, that pie
cats well."
PtartliiiT Ne
At the close of Mabel's first day at
school she came home, and running to
her mother she said: "Oil, inauiuu
one little girl was tidy and the teacher !
sent her home for a suskuso."
UbntLEbS QUtSriONS. f
The liune of the I'ntient and bong
Snffcrlnir Doctor Jliir.
livery profession has lis potty annoy
ances, but probably the medical profes
sion, above nil others, from the mys
teries attached to the human body. Is
more subjected to foolish and silly ipies
tioiis. A (physiclau may spend the day,
Indeed, much of the twenty-four hours,
lu seeing case, and. as a recreation, ho
may drop lu socially to see a friend or
attend a dinner or some other soc.il
attraction, and at once his neighbors
begin to talk nbout the "wonderful hu
man frame" and such things, and then
some brilliant member of the company
will ask, "Doctor, Is there much sick
ness in the city?" a if the poor physi
cian was a collector of statistics or
know Just what the condition of the
city was. Another person will call
across the table or room, "Doctor, do
you think I ought to be vaccinated?"
and probably some especially scintilla
ting member will say that she does not
believe In vaccination, which, of course,
Kettles matters at once.
Tl't. wise physician will keep quiet at
Mich times and not lot himself Into a
wild discussion which can lead to noth
ing between persons of unequal mental
attainments. There Is a temptation al
ways to talk "shop," especially by those
not in the "shop." The lawyer Is linked
his opinion lu the parlor; the physician
is consulted on the street corner. Such
advice Is worth usually just what it
costs the person asking it, namely, noth
i;. No man should be called on to
give nu opinion for no remuneration
when such an opinion may 1 ave tost
uol only time and money, but when B
may, In a measure, Involve the reputa
tion of the peinon giving it.
If the public Is to bo Instructed nt all
It should certainly be taught not to
force any man to "talk shop" morning,
noon and night.
'lilitle Hay."
What boy ever left boarding-school
without carrying away with him u
stock, sum II or great, of stories "on"
bis musters? The author of "Memories
of Kton and Etonians" bus carried sev
eral with lit in through life, and now
sets them down for a new generation
of schoolboys.
Iu lN.'O. be writes, I had rather a long
spell of the Hev. ltitsscll Day. or "Bit
tie Day," as be was called. He never
prompted, and at the very lii'st mis
take you were dismissed at once with,
"Write It out, my friend." As "writ
ing out" took us some twenty minutes,
i. lost of us got into tlio habit of writing
it out beforehand In preference to
spending a long lime trying to learn It,
and then being called upon by "my
friend" to write It out at the very first
breakdown.
Mr. Day suffered from gout. One day
lieordered a boy to "write It out." Then
a sudden twinge came, and Mr. Day
added, "Twice, my friend," and when
the boy showed miiiio surprise, and a
third twinge Anne on, lie continued,
"and once iu the Greek character."
But Mr. Day's natural temper was
sunny. A boy who bad been com
plained of received a summons to stay
a f lev school, which being Interpreted
ii ifii ti I , make ready for a whipping.
"What may your name be?" asked
the master of the frightened youth.
'Cole, sir," replied the boy.
"Then, my friend," said Little Day,
"I think you bad better scuttle!"
Itrtlc of Hliakspeare.
By the dentil of Mrs. Bjker, which
occurred at Anno llathaway's cottage
at Shottery, near Stratford Fpoti-Avon,
tin- actual as well as the nominal con
trol of all the relics of William Sliak
spearo has passed to the guardianship
of Kieliard Savage, olio of tlio best antl
qiiariauti lu Fnglaud, who Is acting as
custodian for the trustees of Slink
speare's birthplace and of New Place,
where he died. Mrs. Baker passed all
her life In the famous old cottage, which
together u Mi all her old furniture and
n lies was purchased by the Sliakspoari1
trustees iu 1SP'J. She was a descend
ant of the Hat ha ways of Shakspeare's
time, and iu a family Bible alway
.i.iiiii In I in; visitor at Anno Hatha
wav'-' eotlagij her pedigree was set
down. More than Mi years of age at
the time of lujr death, she bad thus uiel
and i onvi r-a'il villi all Hie famous met:
and w iiini-ii o' 'In- century who had vis
il.-d I lie shrill"
if the "Divine William,"
Mill b.il't'lic;
line iiei-ulia r'.l !c of voice
i-l her uih'iii wlu.isly n.
iu. she made a must In
and manner, :
III. .Ions egot1
i.-rcMitig ear.
i- ,t -..
lor ot these fainoi;
Mis
group
in the
-oil ' i
s .11 of
P iker .as almost tin- last of u
if en' licit ies long oolllrihllllVil
i iial lii of St l a I fuM. The only
il- of t! . old group is Kyle, the
the "old seloll" of , e sketch
I'.ook. no v upward of Ml years of age.
It was K.lle ivlni coiiilueieil Sir Walter
Scott through Hie Shak'peare church In
pr I. I-'JS, ell Ihe oci nsi.iii of the great
Sc iisuiiin's lasf visit.
ALL LAUGH.
JOKES FftOM THE PENS OF
VA-
ROUS HUMORISTS.
rieaannt Incident Occurring
World vcrHaylnga that Are Cheer
ful to Old or Young-Knnny Selec
tions that You Will Knjoy.
Conflrmcil itnter.
"Marry you?" the young woman
scornfully exclaimed. "I wouldn't
marry yon If you were "
".luplter Olympus, the Czar of Hus
sia. or the Count of Monte Crlsto?"
sarcastically Interrupted tin young
man.
"No!" she rejoined, with Increasing
scorn. "Not even If you were the man
who sent Dewey to the Philippines!"
Chicago Tribune.
tin the HrlnT leep.
"There Is one good thing nbont an
ocean voyage," remarked the globe trot
ter. "What Is that?" (pierlod his compan
ion. "Why, a man can got as tight a he
plot sea every day and everybody will
think he Is only seasick." answered the
traveler.- Chicago News.
Power of the free Vim.
"Did old Skinflint object to his daugh
ter marrying an actor?"
"No. It was shown to li I tu that he
could get free seats every time bis son-
,1,w
Phlladolplila
North
Absent-minded
professor (mistaking
mirror) Heally, I do
hair brush for a
need a shave.
Wonderful t'evelorinient.
Watts The development of the sense
of touch In the blind Is something al
ways a wonder to me.
Gotros I have It pretty well devel
oped myself. I have got It so 1 can tell
a borrower two blocks away. Indian
apolis Journal.
A I'nnicron Man,
Halfback We ought to got that
young freshman from Oklahoma on the
football team.
Outer Hush Why?
Halfback The boys tried to haze htm
last night, and six of them are in the
hospital to-day. New York Journal.
Olijertrtl to the "roon nnr."
"Wbut's dat you wall slngln'?" asked
the old man.
"Hat's de la tea' coon song," answer
ed Mr. F.raslus Plnkley.
"Well, you oughler go on 'bout yob
work, 'stiil o' makln' yohself laughable
tryln' to imitate white folks' ways."
Washington Star.
l'nnvoiilnlle.
Heportor Was that accident
tin-
avoidable?
Hailroad President Certainly, sir,
certainly. No one to lilaine. von see
the- watchman had two crossings to
look after, half a nine apart. You can't
expect a man to be in two places at
once, can you? New York Weekly.
Knew What to
"Is you on duty, policeman?"
"Yes, miss. Why?"
"'Cause Fin lost'." Punch.
Coffer for Krrakfaat.
Doctor-Dyspepsia, eh. You want to
drink a cup of hot water tlrst thing
every morning.
Patient I always do. My boarding
mistress Invariably serves coffee for
breakfast.-Philadelphia lb-cord.
Alwim "Out" Cp to 1 A. v.
Wife (pathetically) - Are yon going to
bo out until after midnight again to
night? Husband - Oh, I suppose so! I never
eein to have any luck until about. 1
o'clock. Detroit .1 1 1 1 r 1 1 ii I .
fr pen k iiiu of Oir Mue.
Tommy-Pop, are there nine Muse?
Tommy's Pop -Yes, my son; accord
ing to mythology.
lominy Is that why a cat has nine
lives'.' Philadelphia Itecord.
Alt. nisi a nil l ie.
J'.lggs nearly killed my burlier this
u ortiing.
Hogg Judging from ihe appearance
of your face I should say he nearly
killed Ju l.
Bigg
I shavi
1 1 iiliiolllils lo the same lliili;
nijsib'. .New York Journal.
'J llt-l CI4 Al HO II I I l.
TMT
i (raid
lu fai
I gavi
r
Have a cigar, old boy, I'm
though. Ihese ale lint very good
, ll.ey may be wol'sc (hail thosi
yuii lat.
Friend
in i burst of politencssi Im
my dear boy, Impossible.
LET qs
comes to town.
American.
j
l. licet.
possible.
New Yolk
Vi-ckly.
ffnch I t.lre.
Jlmmle Geol Pi paper says fai dey
ain't room for all de kids ter go ter
school. Meblie we. won't haftec go dls
year.
Tommy Hotelier life we will! De
khl wot likes ter go ter school Is de
only one wot git tor utay away. San
Francisco Kxauilner.
Amateur t heatrical.
Mabel (the herolne)-Oh, dear! Tlio
curtain will rise In five minutes. Are
you sure you will know your lines?
Jack (the hero) All except the part
when- I kiss yon. 1 think we'd bettet
rehearse that once more. New York
Journal.
The Waye of Women.
Alfred, dear. I've one favor to beg of
you If wo meet the Strebcls be ns
attentive and affectionate toward me
as you can! You see, Frnu Stxebel Is
always hateful to me, and her husband
Is as selfish and Inconsiderate In his
treatment of her na you are ordinarily
Willi nie.-lleltere Welt.
Two Oonain.
Mrs. Podd I'd tell you something If
I thought It wouldn't go any further.
Mr. Pepper You needn't be afraid.
I guess I'll never see the day I can
make a piece of news go farther than
you can.- Philadelphia Bullet lu.
Need More I'mctlcr.
Mrs. Nexdore- Our minister evident
ly doesn't believe lu practicing what he
preaches.
Mrs. Nabor How do you mean?
Mrs. Noxdorio -Well, he seems to
have so much tlltllculty delivering his
sermons.
i He,
"We want a c)(M'gynian who can see
ti Joke." ,
"1 can see a Joke all right, but I don't
want any humorous arrangements
about my salary." Chicago Kecnrd.
Hncl VHItv.
Wlmper Spunger Is a very sociable
sort of follow. Isn't he?
Sharpe Yes, lie's always trying to
s, lie's
irteln J
borrow moiie
Poal-Morte
uiprovement.
"O, Ihlllgs will
when the fools
L'o better In this world
lire nil dead, but. we
sha'n't hi
here Id! see it!" Pollchluello.
( rua licit Hini.
rin Shoo Clerk Bog your pardon.
madam, but It Is a number Ave who
you want, Instead of a number three.
She Number five! You must bo
thinking of the size of your hat. In
dianapolis Journal.
The "net.
"Did Madge Simpson enjoy her trip
to tlio Dewey celebration?"
I don't know; she talked about It
all the time I was there, but I was
busy talking to her about my trip to
the mountain." Detroit Free Press.
At th ' mit'iir rforni nrr
First Gentleman in the Bobby Has
the curtain fallen on the first act?
Second Gentleman In the Iyobby
Bettor than that! It lias fallen on the
head of the leading man nnd knocked
him senseless.- SoiuerviJle Journal.
A klron Drifenae.
Mother Why did you let him
kiss
you
'
Daughter-How could I help It? Ho
was holding iioin my hands, and I
couldn't kick hini, could I? New York
Journal.
Winning Are-uiu-nt.
The Invalid -Hut I am already gain
ing great benefit from Bugger's Onion
ointment.
The Agent-Yes, and If It should cure
yon. all you would get would be a sin
gle column woou cm; wnereas, ir you
u our remedies you will surely find
relief, and the two-column art ccblinr
wft will print In all the principal (papcra
of the country will lie something to
gaze on with pride, Indianapolis Jour
nal. Cecil llhodna' Amb.tloii.
Mliccu years ago i.;ecn ,i. Uliodes,
thou a man of small menus and no po
litical record, stood lu a small Klm
berloy shop and looked for a long tiuu
nt a map of Anit a which hung on the
wab. Au acquaintance who had
watched him fa. several minutes
slopped up to Ii! fides and asked lilm
w hether bo wai HU'lnptlng to find tin
locution oi jviniu iiiey. .Mr. uliodes
made no reply ' t several seconds,
then placed his l gbt hand over the
map and covered a large part of south
and central Africa, from tin- Atlantic
lo tin- Indian Ooenu. "All that Bill
ish:" he Mid. "That Is mv dream.'
"I will gi- you ten eara to realize It,'
said the li end. "Give lutt ten more,"
said liliodi s, "mid then wo'll have :
new map." Three fourths of ,,. n.
quired inn lias passtd and the full
renli.at i.oi of Bionics' (Beam must taku
place within the next tlur years.
Peas ami Bean Nib in Onus.
Peas anil boa us ie uiomI nutri
tious of vegetable containing as much
carbon as what Hiidi double I tie
wTiirm
auiuuut of nn Vie fennli'l fool
The intest F.ngllsh golf-story la told
by Just'ce Lawrence against himself.
He la an ardent golfer. Bocently hrt
had a case before him In which he felt
It necessary to ask one of the witnesses,
a boy, the usual question whether Lin
was acquainted with the nature of an
oath. The ingenuous youth ropliod:
"Of co ii wo I am. Alu't I your caddie?"
A young woman who played thi
pianoforte once asked Bra Inns, the com
poser, ss to the advlsab'llty of giving a
concert In Vienna. "Are you all ready,"
inquired Brahms. "Certainly, deaf
master; may I play something for
you?" "oh, no, no; I meant only have
you a now gown and glovps?" "Y'es,
sir." "Pity; otherwise I should havo
advised you uot to give the concert."
John Hare once sent his coachman to
a certain theater to secure stall, and
the man, who know more nbout stables)
than theaters, returned with what ap
peared to be a dllllcult verbal message.
"Well, did yon got thi-Kialls?" inquired
the actor. "No, sir," said the coach
man; "I lie stalls were nil taken up. but
they told me they would be pleased to
to" ho scratched his head and thou
blui ted out "to put you In a loose box,
sir!"
The late Judge Charles P. Daly, of
New York, was a chiiriiilug conversa
tionalist ns well as a model citizen and
an accomplished Jurist, lie met this
Duke of Wellington some fifty years
ago, and the Duke remarked to him that
lie seemed too young to bo on the bench.
'I owe my position," replied Judge
Daly, "to one of those accidents of for
tune to which your grace owes so lit
tle." "I recall my criticism." said the
Duke, grimly; "you are doubtless where
you belong."
The recent death of Mmo. Aubernoti
de Nervllle In Paris recalls a reply once
made to her bv Duma tils, who did not
njoy a certain kind of lionizing. At
a dinner at Mine. Aubernon's one even
ing, he sat next to a certain general,
who was dlHooncerted by Dutiias' chilly
manner. "Why do you not toll the gon-
ral some of your witty stories?" asked
the hostess, iu a whisper. "Mon Dleu.
iiuulanio," replied Dumas, in his most
Ingenious tone, "every one to ills trado
I was waiting for him to tiro oft a
can non."
A financial agent of the Texas peni
tentiary had warmly opposed the elec
tion of Gov. Houston, but was particu
larly auxioiiM to retain his own pleas
antly lucrative position. Consequently
the Governor was soon In receipt of a
petition In which the mail's years of
faithful service and siieclal qualifica
tions for tlio place were set forth In
glowing terms by himself. The Gov
ernor sent for him, and said,
It appears from this petition til
have boon In the penlteniiai-i
years?" "I have," was the repl.j
during that time you have pet
faithfully every duty that baa
your way, to the best of your .
4 have," answered the agent.
lge rising. "Then, sir," said
ernor, with the air of one conl
priceless favor. "I pardon ,
One of the applicants for r
In Japan, while James G.
Secretary of State, watm' late Sam
uel Kltuburloy, ofJImore, who died
In thPHorvIee Intuit nil America. After
he had prosatfud his credentials, Mr.
Blaine s.TTu: "I should like to appoint
you, Mr. Klinberley, but 1 have niado
It a rule to recommend no one who does
not speak the language of the country
to which he Is sent. Do you tipcata Jap
anese?" "Cer-ttaluly, Mr. Blaine,"
stammered Mr. Klntberlcy; "a-a-ask nur
s-s-Homethltig in .1.1 .lapanese and I'll
a-a-.answer you." Mr. Blaine had not
a word to say, but the Japanese post
went to another man, nil the sumo, and
Klmberloy went to Central America.
One day Klmberloy met n young wonif
an who threw her arms lnipulslvyj
around his neck and kissed lilwT. "See
ing her mistake, she drew back and nu
grlly asked: "Aren't you Mr. Jones?"
"N-no-no, madam," replied Kiqnberley,
bowing; "Fin n-ti-not. but I v.Vw-wisli
to thunder I w-w-was." I.
Two Puns. '
In " Passages from the Diaries of
Mrs. Philip l.ybbe Porrys" there aro
some amusing chronicles of eighteenth
coDtury small beer. For example:
Princess Amelia asked a remarkably
tall young man what ho was Intended
for.
"The church," said bo.
"Oh, sir, ymi must mistake." said the
Princess. "It was certainly for the
steeple."
Hitherto this retort has been attrib
uted to Cumin; but Mrs. Poirys was
smiled upon by many of the great ones
of the earth, and was therefore lu a po
sition to credit it to tlio right person.
At all events, Currau has laid the hon
or quite long enough.
Mrs. Porrys also notes a now Pope
pun. One day Sir Walter Plant's father
was in Pope's company, and talking of
punning. Pope said that was a species
of wit ho trlfllngly easy that lie would
answer to make one on any proposed
subject oniullid, when a lady iu the
company said. "Well, Mr. Pope, make
one on keelhauling."
He Instantly replied, "That, madam.
Is Indeed putting a man under a haid
ship" (hard shlpi.
-rr iit-l I'! -ypt
The French people have en
iiiii aafi i hi amrcost-
I
i
yoiif
jnalne was
ly iiioiiumi'lll "in jl laueols Cbabas, tho
I'tnlneiit F.gyptoltigist, who when lie
began to publish his works was a wine
merchant. Curiously enough, this au
thority on things Kgyptlau never vis.
Ited Fgypt. His only excursion abroad
was to lb" museums of Italy, where ho
I'emalned a few weeks iu istili.
l h li'sreat'le Hoses
The horticultural world is exercised
by tlio mysterious transformation in
color w iilch tlio Japanese are aide to ef
I'ecl in roses. By some unknown but
natural process Hie llowcr changes
I'riii. I red In the sunlight lo white In tho
si .ide or in darkness.
It Is his willingness to pay a gunl
reiiial Hull gives his Sataiiical majesty
lli choice of apartments lu stuuo man
sions. Tho lulaut prodigy at 4 may be a f jol
at a').

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