Newspaper Page Text
AutW of "A Crooked Path."
Woman's Wit." "Deaton'a
"Mont'i Choloe," "A
Miss Dacre wai a very persevering
young woman, nor was she restrained
by any sensitive delicacy In pursuing
her designs. Hitherto she had rather
liked Mrs. Savllle In a surface fash
Ion. flattering herself that oho was a
favorite with the stem little woman.
On this supposed favoritism she was
always ready to presume. Mono Des
rnond and Mr. Rawson were therefore
somewhat appalled when the sounds of
vclces and approaching footsteps In
the pleasure ground to which the win
dows of the smaller drawing room
opened made themselves heard about
tea time, when Mrs. 8avllle had come
in from a abort stroll with her confl
deutlaJ adviser, and Hope had descend
ed from her own room, wure she had
cn;oyed a couple of hours' solitude.
These rounds were followed by the ap
pearauce of Miss Dacre, Savllle, Lum
ley and Lord Everton.
"80 sorry yon were not able to come
to church thla morning, dear Mrs. 8a
We"!" aald Miss Dacre, effualvely, and
with the unconcerned assurance of the
els which does not hesitate to rush
in where the sharper-sighted fear to
tread; "so we have all come over to
Inquire for you. You are looking quite
pale. Tou see I have brought poor
Lord Everton, who Is so distressed at
being expelled from this paradise.
Tou really must make friends. He
could not foresee that things would go
wrong, and he Is so sorry. Now, for
my aake, dear Mrs. Savllle, you must
forgive him, you are auch near rela
tions." "Connections, you mean," corrected
Mrs. Savllle, a bitter smile curling her
lip. "If Lord Everton chooses to come,
I can only admire his forgiving nature
and accept the olive-branch."
"Yon are. aa ever, Just and gener
ous," returned the impecunious peer,
with a delightful bow and smile. "I
am quite charmed with the vision of
myaelf aa a dove, which you kindly
Mrs. Savllle turned from him with
undisguised contempt, and addressed
herself to George Lumley.
"So you are staying at the Court?
How doea your regiment, or your
troop, get on without your valuable aa
"Disagreeable old cat!" thought
Lumley, while he said, "Oh, I ride over
very other day, and the intermediate
ones they atumble on as best they can
"I thought you were going down to
"Here's metal more attractive," said
Lumley, melodramatically, with a wave
of his hand towards Miss Dacre, who
was deep la conversation with Mr.
Raw son, on whom she was smiling
with ber habitual belief in her own
power to fascinate all male creatures.
"Metal I Tea, I dare aay. I some
times wonder it yeu are as foollBh aa
you aeem, George."
"Oh, a good deal more so," said the
handsome hussar, showing his white
teeth In a pleasant smile. "You know
1 haven't many ideas."
"Yet I dare say you would be less
easily taken In than men who have,"
"Very probably, my dear aunt."
"What la the matter with you?"
asked Mlsa Dacre, in a low tone, draw
ins a chair to the tea-table, where
Hops Desmond presided. "You look
pals and 111, and aa It you had been
crying. Pray forgive me," she added,
seeing the quick color rise In her vic
tim's cheek, "bat I knew quite well you
could not stand Mrs. Savllle for long,'
In a low tone.
"Oh, yes, I can," aald Hope, smiling
a brave defiance. "Don't you think I
am likely to have worries and bad
newa apart from poor Mrs. Savllle T"
"Well, I suppose ao; but It did not
occur to me. She la not popular, you
know, though I always get on with
her. I am going to play a bold stroke
Just now; , 11 win astonish you alL
'Nothing venture nothing have,' you
"'jockey 01 Norton, tie not too
bold,'" quoted Miss Desmond, wlch a
somewhat tremulous smile.
"Shs has been crying I am certain
she has; though she Is braving it out
At any rats, ano la going to stick to
Mrs. Savllle. I wonder what she is
saying to George Lumley. Nothing
amiable, I am sure."
Here Lord Everton, who had been
speaking to Savllle, and of whom the
mistress of the house had not taken
the slightest notice, approached and
begged for a cup of tea.
"It la a beverage of which I am ex
tremely fond," he said, "and I think a
decided liking for tea ought to be a
patent of respectability to any man,
You have been a good deal on the Con
tlnent. I believe, Miss Desmond?'
"I have traveled occasionally in my
aunt s uretime."
"Ah! and enjoyed It, I dare aay?"
"Yes; but I also enjoy returning to
"Indeed! Well, I do not. The mo
ment I aet foot on my native soil,
cease 10 ue a ire man; invisiuia aeloo
tlves put me In social irons; cruel
warders Imprison me with adamantine
barriers, where I am obliged to eat
and drink and apeak and have my be
Ing according to rigid rules. I must
give my money for what sattafleth
not, and go to the funereal hostc-lrles
frequented by my peers. I must don
evening dress, and wear unlimited pu
pie and One linen. Then ray exaspera
ing relatives will pester me with Invl
tatlona. because they think they must
not neglect 'that poor old beggar Er
evan.' Nov, on the other aide of the
Channel my only habitation I an airy
bedroom, outside which a whole world
of cafes and restaurants are 'before
tne where to choose' my breakfast and
dinner, where I meet pleasant. Intelli
gent people of every shade of opinion,
with whom I can converse freely In
happy Ignorance of their names and
condition, as they are of mine; and
occasionally I stumble on old acquaint
ances who enjoy life In my own fash
Ion, cheerfully accepting the contemp
tuous treatment of Dame Fortune, who
In emptying our pockets also relieved
us of tiresome responsibilities. It Is
wonderful the clearness of Judgment
and general enlightenment of ttiose
who are not weighed down by this
"I dare say you are right. Lord Ev
erton. Still, a few of them are advan
tageous; though I do not sea that
money can purchase any essential of
"That depends very much on what
you consider essentials."
"That Is true Hut Miss Dacre
Is going to make a speech," for that
young lady had said, In an audible
tone, "I am going to tell you a story.'
"I know," whispered Lord Everton,
"If her pockets had always been emp
ty, she would have known better how
to hold her tongue."
"This story came to me in a letter
from the wife of a cousin of mine
whose cousin waa eye-witness of the
adventure," Miss Dacre was saying, aa
she posed herself on an ottoman and
every one turned towards her. "Scene,
a dark, stormy night, a distant sea,
one of Her Majesty's big ships tossing
about on the waves, which make noth
ing of her bigness. Young sailor, do
ing something Incomprehensible with
a rope or ropes, loses hold or balance
and drops Into the black depths of the
raging waters. Captain orders boats
to be lowered. 'He'll be gone before
you can reach him,' they say. 'lie can
not swim,' cries another omcer, throw
ing off his boots while he spoke, and
springing over at a bound. ,
" 'Thla Is suicide,' exclaimed the
captain. The young officer la a huge
favorite with the crew, the crew work
with a will, the boat is lowered, a life
boat probably, they surmount the
waveH and slide Into the watery hol
lows, they come up with the gallant
lieutenant, who la supporting the
senseless sailor and nearly exhausted
himself, they drag them Into the boat,
they regain the ship, the men crowd
round the whatever you call it where
they get on board, their cheers ring
above the roar of the storm, the res
cued and rescuer are safe!"
"Most dramatic," said Lord Everton.
"Worthy of Brandram," added
I don't exactly ace " began
No, of course you do not; there la
nothing to see exactly," Interrupted
Miss Dacre, quickly.
I have heard the tale before. The
only difference Is that the weather waa
not quite so stormy aa your correspond
ent represents It," said Mr. Rawson,
playing with his double glassea.
It was really mucu worse than I
represent." exclaimed Miss Dacre,
with an air of profound conviction
"Now, does no one want the name of
There was a moment's pauau. Mrs
Savllle sat silent In her arm-chair
Lumley's laughing eyes sought Miss
Desmond's, but she waa sheltered be
hind a massive ura which always ap
peared at tea-time. Only Lord Ever
ton rose to the occasion.
"I am dying of curiosity, my dear
Miss Dacre," he said languidly
"Name! name!" cried Lumloy.
"Hugh Savllle!" aald Mlas Dacre,
rising and assuming an attitude.
"I thought ao," said Richard.
"Just like him!" cried Lumley, cor
"Give me your arm, Mr. Rawson. I
have letters to show you In my study.
I avoided cnurcn because I did not
think prayers or sermon would Im
prove my headache. I did not bargain
for being obliged to sit out a dramat
lo recital," said Mrs Savllle, dryly,
then auded to the company, "You will
excuse me, I do not feel equal to gen
eral conversation, and she touched
Mr. Rawaon's with the finger-tips of
her right band, and walked with
much dignity through the door which
Lord Everton with a sad and solemn
expression of countenance held open
Aa soon as she had passed, he closed
it gently, and advancing a step or two,
glanced from one to the other with ho
comlo a look of dismay that both Lum
Jey and Savllle laughed.
Courage such as yours, my dtar
Miss Dacre, deserved, tuccess; and yot
It has not been successful," be said,
with an air of deep sytn-athy, to the
fair narrator, and sat down ou the ot
toman beside which she stc '
"I never saw any one like Mrs. Sa
vllle never!" cried Miss Dacre, grow
lng red with disappointment and mor
tlficatlon. "I really hoped that such
a story of bravery and humanity
would have done so- -thing towards
softening her heart; and 1 flatter my
self I did It pretty well."
"If you bnd asked my advice," said
Richard Savllle, "I could have told
you It would be simple waste of
"Hut." exclaimed Miss Dacre. with
a sound ot tears In her voice, "Mrs
Savllle always used to mind what I
said, and and seemed so fond of me.
I was rather proud of It. she likes so
"I am afraid there Is some differ
ence between past and oresent," said
Wife or Widow." "D B
" "A Ufa Interest." A
an'a Heart." U
Lumley. pushing a chair forward.
"Come, Miss Dacre, you have dons
your best, and your best Is very gooe
Now take a cup of tea, and pardon
my aunt her scant conrte-.y. I am go
ln to write to Hugh, and I'll tell him
of your championship."
"You ought," said Miss Desmond,
who had not spoken before, but whoes
voice showed she had not been un
moved. "Very few can count on such
courageous advocacy of the absent
and of a losing cause."
"You are very kind to say so. Yes,
I will have a cup of tea. My mouth
"No wonder!" cried Lord Everton.
"I am sure my tongue would have
cleaved to the roof of mine, had I
dared to utter such words to the Lion
of Inglewood. Excuse me, my dear
"Do not mention It, my dear uncle."
"I wish yon would come out anal
take a little walk with me, Miss Des
mond," said Miss Dacre. "I feel fright
I should like to do so very much.
but Mrs. Savllle may want me to write
for her, or something, and I do not
like to be out of the way."
"What penal servitude!"
"You must not say so. I agree to
perform certain duties, and It would
not be honest to run away from
Why do you always take her part?"
and Miss Dacre made an Impatient
grimace. Then, addressing the gentle
men, ".lust walk back to the court.
and I can follow by myself. Then I
can have a quiet talk with Miss Des
"Very well," said Lumley, rising. "I
will escort my uncle to the court, and
return for you." Miss Dacre gave him
a nod and smile, and the gentiemea
(To be continued.)
WHITE HOUSE CHINA
la Never Given A war and Sold Only
After Format Condemnation.
Custom at the White House de
mands that no dish shall appear on
the table (especially on state occa
sions) that la not absolutely without
defect. Not merely a chip, but the
slightest scratch In the gliding on the
edge of a plate or cup, or the almost
Imperceptible wearing of a color de
sign. Is sufficient to condemn the piece.
It is put aside, and by-and-by, when a
number of such "rejects" have accu
mulated, they are Inspected by the
steward (who Is official custodian of
all executive properties), and aent off
to auction, writes Rene Bach.
Under the law, the official china
cannot be given away under any cir
cumstances, and can never be sold ex
cept in the .manner described, after
formal condemnation. Condemned
White House china always brings very
high prices at the auction sales espe
cially pieces of the Lincoln, Grant and
Hayes sets. Even a badly cracked
Lincoln cup and saucer, or damaged
egg cup, may fetch $15 or 20. On
the other hand, a Franklin Pierce
plate In good condition is not likely to
command more than $6. Washington
and Jefferson crockery Is always sala
ble at fancy prices; but none of It
comes from the White House, where
only a few specimens remain and are
kept on exhibition In the cabinets In
The first and original executive
chlnaware was Imported from England
by George Washington who, of
course, never occupied the Whits
House. Nearly all of It has disappear
ed, only a few pieces still existing in
the hands of collectors. But even more
Interesting, perhaps, are the rare rem'
nanta of the crockery set (likewise ot
British manufacture) Intended for the
Confederate executive mansion at
Richmond, but which, it is understood,
J e tier son Davis never had an oppor
tunity to use. It waa captured, confis
cated, and scattered, only an occasion'
al fragment of It being to-day discov
erable In the cabinets of curio lovers.
At the time when (In 1902) the pur
chase of a complete new service ot
queensware was contemplated by Mr.
Roosevelt, a careful Inventory wai
made of all the china in the White
House. It waa found to comprise 143
pieces of the Lincoln set, 125 pieces ol
the Grant set, 371 pieces of the Hayes
set, SO pieces of the Arthur set, 1,745
pieces of the Cleveland aet, 459 pieces
of the Harrison set, and 321 pieces of
the McKlnley set.
The Roosevelt china, which waa or
dered from England (122,000 being
paid for it), is white and gold, and,
as might bs imagined, exceedingly
handsome. Each plate and platter has
the coat-of-arms of the United States,
in gilt, In the border. This set orig
inally comprised 3,000 pieces, Includ
ing cups, saucers, etc., and is to-day
almost Intact, great care having been
taken of it, ao that very few erf, th
pieces are broken. Hence It is exceed
ingly unlikely that the Tafts wUl be
obliged to buy any more crockery for
the White Mouse.
A Delicate Hint.
"Poor Miss Oldglrl! Did you hear ol
the Jolt she got at the seedsman's?"
"No; what waa it?
"She told the man she had a little
garden of her own and asked him to
recommend some suitable plant. He
gave her one look and then suggested
a wallflower." Baltimore American.
A t'haniirloae Name.
De Qui Was that an unmarried
woman you met Just now?
De Whli Yes, I knew her several
years ago. How her face has changed!
De Quit Has it? Well, when a
woman's face changes as much as that
she enn never hope to change her
The Old Mau'a Joke.
"Mary," called her father, "has that
young man gone yet?"
"No, pa." replied the maid. "But
he's going right now."
"Then auk him to empty the pall
underneath the icetox before he goes,
wUl you? I forgot it?" Detroit Free
About tbe alae ot It.
"All men are boru equal," quoted
"Yes," rejoined the demoralise,
"and the equality stops right Ultra,"
What rtrtly TblnUa of Bobby.
My brother Is tho grandest boy! You
might to see him Jump
From big, high steps where I'm afraid,
ho Juat comes down ker-plump!
I'm Just exactly Hobby's slue, 'eause
we are twins, you see;
Hut Hobby knows such heaps of things
and tells them all to me.
He tells me every single day, "You
don't know nothln' 't all!
Now, Hetty, whllo I fix this play, you
sit still on the wall."
Sometimes he snys, "Don't bother me,"
and then I know, of course,
He's making up some game about my
dolly and his horse.
And If I tell htm what to do, he'll do
It but he'll say,
Toon, Hetty, I know that! 1 meant
to do It, anyway!"
He's very kind, my brother is he's not
like other boys;
Why, when he doesn't want them, 1
can always have our toys.
And generous! He always offers me
the biggest bun;
But 'course I have to be polite I take
the other one.
He lets me watch him building
things; he doesn't mind a bit
And when be wants a nail or string,
he lets me run for It.
And when wo play, he lets me chooBe
what I think is most fun;
Then, if ho doesn't like that game, we
chooae another one.
Hobby Is very brave an bold. I s'pose.
as like as not.
If 'levett tlKors came at once, he'd kill
them with one shot!
For Bobby suys he's not afraid of bears
or any beast;
And he can shoot an elephant! He
told me so, at least.
I do love Bobby. And sometimes I
tell him so. Hut he
Hays gruffly (he's a boy, you know).
"Oh, pshaw, don't bother me!"
Of course I'd rather be a sclrl but
lots of fun I miss.
When Bobby says, "No, girls can't go.
You couldn't stand It, Sis."
I guess I could! I'm big as Bob; for
we are twins, you see.
But Hobby knows so much, of course.
and tellB it all to me.
Sometimes ho lets me hoar him say his
spelling lesHon through;
And then I do his sums for him, and
he says, "Good for you!"
It makes me feel so Klad and nroud.
to think that I can be
Kven a little help to Hob. when he's
so good to me.
-By Carolyn Wells.
Two PU-tnrea In One.
' A 1
Here Is a portrait of Aunt Sally
which only needs to be turned upside
uown to become transformed into the
smiling face of Father Christmas.
This curiosity was Bent by Charles
11. John from Lucknow, India, to The
Marjory had searched the meadows
Marjory had searched the woods, and
Marjory's shop was ready for custom
era. Her shop was the latticed arbor
at the end of the box-bordered gar
den path; the seats along tho sides
and the small round table were the
counter and shelves on which the
shopkeeper displayed her stock. All
the wares stood in dishes of water,
for they were blossoms and herbs and
plants that Marjory had picked in
meadows and woods.
Aunt Sophia came down the box
bordered path to the arbor shop. She
rang the bluebell fastened to the door
post, and Marjory put on her most
"Good morning, Mlsa Sophia!" she
said, as nearly like the real shop-keep
er as she could speak. "Whnt can I
tell you to-day?"
"What is there In the market?" in
quired Aunt Sophia, discreetly.
"FreBh butter-and-eggs. Just in an
hour ago," suggested Clerk Marjory.
"How fortunate!" said Aunt Sophia.
"I have only one buttercup left at
home. Some mustard, please. Do I
really see fresh vegetables blooming
in that china mug?"
Clerk Marjory laughed Joyously.
"Heaps of wild carrot, Miss Sophia,
and white lettuce and Ind'r.n cucum
ber root and one Indian tun:lp."
Aunt Sophia bought for dinner wild
carrot, white lettuce, Indian cucum
ber root, the one Indian turnip, lamb's
quarters for meat and for dessert
honeysuckle. She also supplied her
b( if with sassafras root, caraway, balm
of Gllead leaves, blood root, winter
green, spearmint and boneset, all of
which are good to have on hand.
Clerk Marjory recommended the
"I know personally about ft," she as
sured Aunt Sophia. "When Doll Caro
line broke her arm by falling out of
the sweet apple tree onto a rock, I
applied boneset externally as well as
glue internally and her recovery was
marvelous! Shall I charge the goods.
Miss Sophia?" asked Clerk Marjory,
L 1 I
"No, 1 thank you," replied Aunt
Sophia. "I will pay now."
She took a small box from her bag,
and Marjory's eyes danced with inter
est when Fhe Paw what It contained.
'Here is a Jewelweed and goldthread,"
said Aunt Sophia, "and for small
change, sliver shillings and penny
royal." Youth's Companion.
Profeaalnn of Moat Women to Dr Held
In Honor and Not Neglected.
Scientific study of child life is more
and more forcefully drawing attention
to the great importance of early Influ
ences, Prof. W. I. Thomas and other
psychologists agreeing that so impres
sionable are the first years and so
nearly indelible the effects of early
Influences that in order thoroughly to
safeguard the future of children they
should be removed from all evil sur
roundings before they have reached
the age of 3 months, says Vogue. Ac
cording to these authorities the child's
brain is completely formed when it is
8 years old (being short ouly In ex
perience and practice), and If this be
true, since the mother Is the child's
closest companion during these Im
pressionable formative years, and so
creates its "ground patterns of char
acter" almost from the moment of its
birth, it can readily be soon what
enormous responsibility devolves upon
her and how necessary it ia that she
be given generous education in school
and after life.
As a matter of fact, however, how
far removed from truly Intelligent
motherhood, even in the more ad
vanced countries, is the great majori
ty of women? And is it not possible
that this lack of proper training for
the important profession accounts for
the very slow upward progress of the
race as regards both ethics and physi
cal health? Indeed, the children's
courts, which have been hailed, and
rightly, as a most enlightened devel
opment in legal procedure, in them
selves constitute a drastic arraign
ment of motherhood, a recent investi
gation of 700-odd cases in New York
showing that only thirty-two of the
little culprits were motherless. Wise
as distinguished from merely senti
mental mothers might have saved
these children not only arrest but per
haps lives of dishonor and the com
munity the expense of their correction
and maintenance in prison.
In Oriental countries where harems
are recognized institutions the evil ef
fects of a wholly ignorant motherhood
are markedly exemplified and yet,
while . as compared to such civiliza
tion, lands like England and the Unit
ed States appear very advanced, is
this superiority more than relative, or
is there much for us to boast of when
among us theft and trickery from
stealing rides on car lines to swin
dling the national government by
fraudulent weighing devices are such
common occurrences, and when our
hospitals are full to overflowing? Does
the mother who lies about the ago of
her child to save a miserable nickel
small price for a soul realize her
responsibility in giving direction to
her child's character? Yet what, if
not a lesson in swindling, does he get
out of such a transaction?
Apparently a large number of wom
en are so busy fussing about what
they allege to be their rights that they
have no time to devote to the study
of the profession which about 80 per
cent of them take up. However, there
are Indications that public opinion is
beginning to be stirred on the subject,
although it Is men who are taking the
lead in a scientific movement which it
might have been supposed would long
ago have been Btarted by the more en
lightened members of women's clubs.
It is certainly discreditable In the
highest degree that women should
have left the reform of their leading
profession to men.
I NOT BIDDING FOR FAME. $
M r-5-$-! -5"t"l"5-
The kindness and modesty of an un
known man who saved a small boy's
life have furnished the New York cor
respondent of the Chicago Tribune
with a human little Btory.
Bertie Kavanagh, who is seven years
old, went to Central Park one after
noon lately to sail his boat on Con
servatory Pond. In reaching out too
far from the board walk, he tumbled
In. Johnny Cusack, eight years old,
was the only person who saw him.
"Bertie's In the lake and drown
ing!" cried Johnny, as he ran up to
several other boys who were interested
In their own boats. '
The boys could see nothing ot Ber
tie, and none of them dared venture
into the lake. A man in overalls was
sitting on a bench a short distance
away, and one of the boys told him
what had happened.
The man dropped the newspaper he
had been reading, and went with the
messenger. He Jumped In, clothes and
all, and felt about the bottom with his
The water was breast-high. After a
time be felt something, and reaching
down, he found the boy clinging to
some roots at the bottom. He broke
the boy's grasp and carried him to the
board walk. A policeman came down
on the run, and sent for an ambu
lance. "What's ' your name and address?"
the policeman asked tho rescuer.
"What difference does it make who
I am?" responded the man.
"I want to get it on the records,"
said the policeman.
"G'wan with your records! I'm no
hero. I got kids of me own home with
the old woman," said the man, as he
squeezed some water from his clothes
and started for the park entrance.
The ambulance surgeon resuscitated
Tommy Pop, what Is meant by cir
cumstances over which we have no
Tommys Pop Modern children, my
If a man succeeds in keeping out ot
jail during his sojourn on earth hs
naturally expects to go to heaven when
Two Different Thin a;,
A long-wlndl, pio.-y counselor was
arguing a technical case recently be
fore one of the Judges of the Superior
Court. He had drifted along in such
a desultory way that It was hard to
keep track of what he was trying to
present, and tho Judge had Just wntcd
a very suggestive yawn.
"I sincerely trust that I am not un
duly trespassing on the time of thi J
court," said the lawyer, with a suspi
cion of sarcasm in his voire.
"There Is some difference," the judge
quietly observed, "between trespassing
on time and encroaching on eternity."
New York Times.
Cause nnd KITert.
"What a sweet disposition your wlf
has and with all those children, too."
"Yes. She used to be cranky, but
the kids have got her so she minds all
right." Cleveland Leader.
She Are you fond ot music?
He Yes, very; would you mind stop-
On the notice board of a church near
Manchester the other day the follow
ing announcements appeared together:
"A potato pie supper will be held on
Saturday evening. Subject for Sun
day evening: 'A Night of Agony.' "
A Cnmera'a Joke.
"Just the same, it's no snap," re
Marked the man who seemed to be
"What's no snap?" queried the in
nocent bystander who had overheard.
"Making a time exposure with a
camera," explained the noisy thinker.
"I'm introducing a brand-new inven
tion a combined talking machine,
carpet sweeper and a letter opener,"
said the agent, stepping briskly into
"Got one already," answered the
proprietor, "I'm married!" The Bo
Madge You must have managed lo
console the poor girl, for she stopped
Marjorlt That wasn't the reason,
flhe stoppod when she found that she
hadn't another handkerchief. Puck.
A So liar ban Teat.
"Are your neighbors, the Huxters
nnd Panroves, good friends?"
"Well, I guess! Why, they even
praise each others,' lettuce!" Puck.
The Soft Anawcr.
Mr. Blower Your automobile hit
me, but I got its number, all right!"
Fair Occupant So nice. It will
make a capital decoration for your
Little Willie I hate to have my
Little Bobby So do I. I wish I
Was a big man and could wear whis
kers. Philadelphia Record.
He Just think, Henrietta, in fifteen
more years we kin git married.
She (ecstatically) Oh, Jlmmle!
Mrs. Long Here's an Invitation to
Mr. Short's wedding. What on earth
can we send the happy couple?
Long I have it. Short borrowed
$10 of me nearly two years ago. I'll
send htm a receipted bill.
Sandy 'a Itetort. -
The Lady Ah, my poor man, what
brought you to this?
Sandy Pikes Me feet. mum. Yer
didn't think I was wealthy enough to
hire a taxlcab, did you?
The Ane of a t hicken.
Teacher Johnny, can you tell how
the age of a chicken Is determined?
Johnny Yes'm. By the teeth.
Teacher Why. chickens have no
Johnny No'm; but we have.
Gyer There goes a man who Is
afraid to think for himself.
Myer Why doesn't he get married?
Oyer That's tho trouble he Is mar
ried. Hljr Way of IHreralon.
-Say.'' queried the bummer hoarder,
"what can a follow do to kill time
"Waal." drawled the old fanner,
"mebby yew kin coax th' ole woman
tew let yer whitewash th' chicken
Mary At It Again.
Mary hud a chicken small.
And she thought it immense
Wlun the waiter handed ter a check
For a dollar ninety ceaU.
Teacher (giving a lesson on frac
tions) Here, children. Is a piece of
meat. If I cut It In two, what shall
I have? y
Teacher And if I cut it again la
two. what do I get?
Teacher And If I agala do the
Teacher And if I rontlnue In the
Teacher Good! And if we cut our
pieces once more In two, what then
shall we have?
Tommy (after a long silence)-
Please, miss, mincemeat! Answers.
"So you think that pictures serve a
more Important purpose than litera
ture?" "Yes. Nearly everybody would
rather send a post card than write a
letter." Washington Star.
An old darkey in Kentucky signs
himself Col. Henry Clay Jones. When
asked why he should prefix that title
to his name, as he had no right to
It. he replied:
"Yes, I has, soh."
"But you're not a Colonel."
"Dat don' mean Colonel, boss; dat
means colored." Exchange.
"The only news I havs to tell you,"
wrote the Blllville citizen, "Is that"
the river has rlz an' drowned all yer
cattle, an' yer uncle has broke Jail;
likewise the wldder woman yon wns
a-goln' ter marry has rnnned off with
a book agent. Outside of these here
things, we air all doin' well." At
Farmer Ryetop You seem to enjoy
those fresh vegetables?
Summer Boarder Yes, it Is an ac
quired taste. You get them from the
same store up In town that we do.
Prisoner Can I speak with the con
vict Smith for one moment?
Jailer No, he has just left after
finishing his time. But ask me again
In about a week.
Alan, Poor Man!
Alice I suppose Isabel is complete
ly reconciled to he Iobs of her first
husband, isn't she?
Emily Oh, yes, but they say her
second husband probably never will be
come reconciled to it.
A Deceptive Flarare.
"Won't you Bit down, Mrs. Forty
stone?" "Thank you, but I am." London
More of Pa'a Wladotn.
Little Willie Say, pa, what is a phi
losopher? Pa A philosopher, my son, is a man
who can generate a dozen good and
sufficient reasons why other people
ought to be perfectly satisfied with
their lot in life. t
foold Stand the Whallntra.
"Gracious, Tommy," said the startled
visitor, "I never saw a lad get as
many spankings as you do. Why, it
seems to be a continuous performance
down in the woodshed."
"Oh, I can stand It," laughed Tom
my, with a wink.
"You can stand It?"
"Sure! When dad spanks me nia
feels so sorry she gives me candy on
the sly. Then when nm spanks me
dad feels so sorry he gives me a quar
ter and takes me out to see the ball
The Real Thin;.
"I suppose," remarked the village
grocer, "that your son acquired a lib
eral education at college?"
"Yore Eupperstltlon air Tout right,"
answered Farmer Geehaw. "It cost
me more'n 'leven hundred dollars, hy
On the Contrary.
"An artist friend of mine," Bald the
garrulous party, "once painted a bana
na peel on the sidewalk so naturally
that the first man who came along
slipped and fell over It."
"Huh!" rejoined the contrary per
son. "It couldn't have been very na
tural if the first man that same along
tumbled to it."
Preferred Modern Method.
The Court Six years' hard labor.
You'll get a chance ts learn a trade,
Burglar Couldn't I be permitted to
learn it er by corresiondence?
A mission worker In New Orelans
was visiting a reformatory near that
city not long ago when Bhe olwerved
among the Inmates an old acquaint
ance, a negro lad long thonght to be
a model of Integrity, says the Argo
naut. "Jim!" exclaimed the mission work
er. "Is It possible I find you here?"
"Yessum." blithely responded the
backslider. "I's charged with stenlin'
a barrel o' sweet pertaters."
The visitor sighed. "You, Jim!" she
repealed. "I um surprised!" .
"Yessum," said Jim. "So was I, or
I wouldn't be here!"
Just the Oppnaltc.
"You are u poor young man?"
"Then what you want Is a thrifty,
"Not at all. What I want is a rich,
liberal wife." Democratic Telegraph.
Music evidently has charms for
those savages next door who pound,
th piano seventeen hours a day.