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SPARKS FAMILY HAPPENINGS
THE KID EATS PAINTER'S PiE,
BY EDWARD B. CLARK
R8. SPARKS flat In tho
window of tho llttlo
flat, darning. Tommy
SparkH, aged (our, bad
been allowed to go
alono to play In tho
ront vard that Ilea
between tho apart
ment building and the
Bwell prtvato res!
denco which faces tho
drlvo. Mr. Sparks was
at hlB office, and ull
tho young Sparkscs,
barring Tommy, woro at school. From
Mrs. Sparks' vantago point In tho lit
tle bay window aho could catch occa
wlonnl gllmpaea of a painter In tho big
yard next door, who waB moving
along slowly from atone to stone
painting the foundation of tho house
of their rich neighbor a subdued sort
of rod color.
Mrs. Sparks was dreamily wonder
ing why tho foundation which had
boou pretty In Its natural huo, need
ed painting at all, when Tommy
Spnrks toddlod In through tho door
way loading from tho kitchen. Tommy
had como up from tho yard tho back
way. Tommy had somo Btreaks of
red running diagonally down from
oach cornor of his mouth, nnd hlB
linen dress was spotted In places with
tho eamo color.
"Tommy SparkB," demanded his
jnothor, "what on earth bavo you been
Tommy climbed Into a chair, swung
Ills legB In his Infantllo way and said:
"Mamma, palntor'B pie's good."
Mrs. SparkB gavo ono hurried, hor
rified glance through tho window at
tho red paint which waB bolng daubed
on tho uolghbor'B houBO, and then
turned her anguished countenance
"Tommy," her volco was a pleading
wall, "did you eat tho painter's stuff
out of tho pall?"
"Yes, out of tho pall; palntor'B plo'a
Mrs. Sparks shrieked. Tho maid
ruBhed In from tho kitchen. "Got tho
doctor, tho druggist and Mr. Sparks,"
screamed Mrs. Sparks. "Tommy's eat
en paint and sugar of load and every
thing, do, girl, go." Susan rushod
through tho door, sent tho cornor
drugglBt flying up to tho Iioubo, or
dered tho cleric to .telephone Mr.
Sparks and then sat out on u chuao for
In tho meantime Mrs. Sparks wnsN
moaning ovor Tommy, who was tak
ing tho unuBiial commotion which ho
liad created us blundly bb would most
four-yoar-oldors. He Insisted on occa
sionally roltoratlng that "palntor'B plo
was good," and at each reiteration tho
mother's heart sank.
Tho druggist rushod In. "Tommy
has eaton paint. Heaven alono knows
how much. It must havo had sugar
of lead In It, and that's sweet and
that's why ho ato It."
Tho druggist grabbed up Tommy,
half throw him onto a loungo, and
then turned to tho mother. "Control
yourself, Mrs. Sparks; Ufa dopeuda on
Instant action. Out mo salt, potush
and ooftsoap." Luckily Mrs, Sparks
had nil throo artlclos' In tho houso,
and sho rushed oft to tho kitchen nnd
brought them back. Tommy ns yet
nhowod no sign of collapse, Tho drug
t;lnt put two tablospoonfuls of salt In
half a glasB of lukownrm water and
rorcod Tommy to swallow It sputter
ing. This doso was followod up with
A heroic ono of potnHh, and thon
Tommy was mado to swallow a largo
coffoo cupful of Boftsoap. With tho
. Boap down and Tommy's eyes hang
ing out of his head and well down
over his chook bonos. tho druKelst
turned tho youngster ovor on his
Htomach on tho couch and shook him.
i The only thing about Tommy that
didn't robol at this treatment wub his
..etomach. Thut held onto Its unaccus
tomed load with a portlnnclty worthy
-of nomothlng bottor. At this Juncture
tho palntor appeared on tho sceno. Ho
iidrnllted to tho tearful Mrs. SparkH
that ho had loft his paint pot on tho
.ground whoro Tommy could hnvo
found It, tor about flvo mlnujtcB whllo
Sib wont round tho corner to got a
Iftrtps of boor,
At this Instant tho doctor fell In
at tho door on tho heels of tho maid
Ho approved tho druggist's troatmont
nnd added to It a largo doso of Ipocac
Iltidor thlB last added horror Tommy's
ntomach nnd Bplrlt both gave way.
Llko tho younger hopeful In Helen'B
Dables, ho plnyod whale, and whllo ho
didn't cast up Jonah ho ciiBt up protty
near everything else.
Whllo Tommy was in tho throes Mr,
SparkB arrived, ashy-lipped and shak
en. Tho doctor turned to him, "I
trust, Mr. SparkB, that if wo can keep
him at It for ten minutes moro we
may Bavo his Hfo.' Tommy kopt nt It.
Tho painter, who had rotroatod be
foro tho stricken countenance of Mrs.
8parks, now reappeared. Ho waB car
rying In ono hand a dtnnor pall, which
ho held upsldo down to show those
assembled that It waB absolutely
"When I came to work thlB morn
ing," tho palntor said, "I had throo
. plocos of berry Pl '" this pall. 1
fcln't got any now, a fact I Just dls
covered. I guess maybo the young
tor knows where It wont."
lummy, jubi out Ot a
turned his head nnd caught sight of
tho ompty dinner pall. "Pnlntor's plo's
good," ho murmured,
Mrs. Sparks sank Into a chair laugh
ing nnd crying hysterically. A grin
appoarod on Mr. Spark's face. Tho
doctor and tho druggist lookod dls
gustod. Mr. Sparks gavo tho painter
a dollar. "Go to a restaurant and got
a squaro meal," ho said.
"Henry," said Mrs. Sparks, still in
a atrugglo botwoen two emotions,
"what shall wo do with that boy?"
"Well," answered Henry as ho sur
veyed Tommy and his surroundings,
"I think froiq tho cleaning theBo two
professional gontlcmon have Juat giv
en him, that If wo could turn him In
Bido out ho'd mako n good advertise
ment for Bomo brand of soap."
The 8park' Old 8oldler Janitor.
"Eliza," said Mr. Sparks on tho
night of tho day that thoy moved Into
thoir how flat, "this apartment Hfo 1b
worse than ono of Danto's circlos. I'll
mako Just ono moro movo before
I die, nnd that will bo Into a houso
In a suburb. Hero wo aro Just moved,
ovorythlng topsy-turvy nnd no girl. Of
course, tho Intest acquisition from tho
employment bureau had to leave us
Just to throw all tho burdon of tho
packing up and the unpacking on us.
Then again tho Janitors ot all flats aro
dovils. I'll bet tho ono In this build
ing will provo to bo worso than any
of tho others, and oven a man nccus
tomed to using strong languago can't
say nnythlog stronger than that. Jii3t
look at this muBs, will you, and no
ono to help us fix up."
Just then tho front doorboll rang.
It bo a enso of falso protenso if ws
"Not by a Jugful. I'll send Mra.
Sraithklna tho prlco of hor advertise
ment In nn anonymous letter. 'To
havo and to hold' Is a good motto In
a caso llko this."
That girl Roso, who 'stumbled Into
tho Sparks' flat that moving day night,
was a droam. Sho cookod things to
a turn; Bho was willing; sho didn't
havo a cross word In hor vocabulary;
sho didn't caro to go to balls on Sat
urday night, and sho was plump nnd
good-jooklng. Tho Sparks' family Hfo
Ono morning ns Mr. Sparks was
leaving tho building to go to tho office
he met the Janitor, who was coming
up from tho basement lending a child
with each hand. Mr. SparkB had bare
ly noticed tho janitor before. This
morning something in tho man's bear
lug struck him and turning, ho said:
"William, you'vo been In tho servlco."
"Yes, sir," Bald William, "I put In
flvo years in tho Fourth cavalry."
"I can tell a regular tho minute I
clap oyca on him," said Mr. Sparks.
"I put In a good many years myself.
You havo two flno children bore, Will
iam." "Yes," said William nsBentlngly, nnd
then Mr. Sparks said "Good-byo."
That night when Mr. Sparks reach
ed homo his wlfo said: "Tho Janitor
enmo up today and washed tho win
dows. I didn't think It was a part of
his work, but he said it was all right
and insisted. Ha told mo that ho usad
to bo In tho regular army and that ho
know you had been In tho service,
"That's It, Eliza," said Henry, "an
old soldier likes to do things for an
other old soldier. Ho waBhcd our win
dows becnuso wo had both dono hard
duty on the plains. Ho must bo n
good, stendy fellow, for ho has n wife
and two children. They hnvo a flat In
Mr. Spnrks met Wllllum quite fre
qucjitly after this. William always
saluted. If ho happened to be stand
ing still as Mr. Sparks parsed ho
would como to "nttentlon," clicking
Ills heels together tho whllo and salut
ing llko tho old campalgnor he was.
Almost ovcry night when he reached
home Mrs. Sparks would loll Henry of
some new act of attention on tho part
I IL A 2."il
Hero tho best girl that over worked
out stumbles In on us by accident,
nnd wo get a Janitor who serves us as
though wo woro moguls."
Things went on this way for
months. Honry Sparks told flvo roal
estato agonts to quit looking up a
country homo for him. "You can't beat
tho combination I'vo got right hore In
tho hoart of Chicago," he said.
A box of cigars went a long way
with tho Janitor. Ho Insisted on
beating tho Sparks rugs, ho glided tho
radiators, ho fixed tho door knobs,-nnd
toward tho end of tho socond month
ho wns washing tho windows every
other day. The windows of tho other
flats wero dingy and flnger-marked.
Itosa was n pearl of great prlco. Sho
anticipated every wish of ovory mem
ber of tho family. Thoro was Uttlo
loft for Mrs. Sparks to do but to cm
brolder'nnd to mond Frances' stock
ings. For somo roason or other,
Henry SparkB, though ho had always
prided himself on his perspicaoity,
never noticed thnt whenever Wlll'ara
found that something In tho kitchen
ncoded fixing tho Job was always ono
thnt required three or four days' time.
Ono night Mr. Sparks wont down
town to do somo work. Ho didn't get
back till ono o'clock. Ho slipped off
his shoes at tho door so as not to
awaken his wlfo. Ho passed through
tho hall, and feeling hungry ho went
bnck through tho dining room with a
mind nnd appetite bent on exploring
tho kitchen pantry. Tho door leading
Into tho kitchen was shut In his
stocking feet Mr. Sparks mado no
noise. Ho opened tho door quickly.
Tho kitchen gas was burning. From
tho far end of tho room camo a click
ing nolso. William the Janitor was
standing nt attention with his heels
brought sharply together. As the man
Jumped to tho position of a soldier
Mr. Sparks saw that one ot his arms
had just dropped from Its position of
embrace about tho waist of Rosa, tho
Mr. Sparks was horrified. Ho wont
back to dayB when as a "non-com" ho
had verbally lashod somo bluecoat
"William," he said In a voico of
thunder, "how daro you! You're a
"William's hand wont to hl3 fore
head In a salute. "Rosa and I aro to
bo married next week, Mr. Sparks,"
"Married!" was the gasping re-
ponso. "How about your wife and
two children down stairs?"
"That's my widowed slstor and her
two llttlo ones. She's beon keeping
hoUBo for mo," said William.
Mr. Sparks groaned and went limply
back Into the front room. Ho wnked
his wlfo. "Eliza," ho sajd, "our dream
Is ovor. Rosa Is going to"marry the
janitor. It wasn't any old soldier
sentiment at nil that mado him wash
windows. I'll tell Hunt in tho morn
ing to look for a home for us In the
country," and, sighing, Mr. Sparks
went to bed.
At tho breakfast table next morning
William and Rosa camo In hand In
hand. "Wo'ro going to bo married
next week, Mrs. Sparks," said Rosa,
"but ray Bister wants a plac.o and I'll
Bond her hore. Sho's a hotter cook
than I am."
At thlB bit of Information Mr.
Sparks' face cleared visibly. "You
both havo my blessing," ho snid;H
"send In your slstor Rosa, and if Will
iam leaves here I'll get old Highrates,
tho landlord, to send a good janitor In
his plnco, but I'll take good caro that
ho Is not nn old soldlor." And then,
forgetful of everything else, Mr.
Sparks turned to his wlfo and said:
"Thoy can't resist nn old soldier, can
they, my dear?" "
&y - -Qji v
REMARKABLE PERSONALITY OF HARDIE
Snowy-haired, deep-chostod, power
ful, koon-eyod, Keir Hardlo, leader ol
mllllonsof British working men, hai
Just finished his third visit to Amor
lea. Tho chairman of tho Labor part
In tho houso of commons is "a strlk
lng personality ptcturesquo and un
forgettablo. Ho camo to attond the
woddlng of his son, who Is in business
At tho ago of soven Koir Ilardli
was set to work In a mine. His fathci
had, been a miner boforo him, hi
mother a working woman. In the
mines ho Btayod for sovontecn years
Today, fifty-six years old, ho Is th
leading flguro In Parliament in tha
fight for improving the condition ol
Tho muscular hand grasp wltb
which ho welcomes his caller Is a ro
minder of tho days whan ho usod tc
swing a pick. Thero 1b warmth In it
as well as strength, a warmth thai
bears out tho steady, kindly gazi
from tho man's oyes. Warmth and strength aro Keir Hardio's character
His countenance Is patriarchal, a mass of whlto hair, llko shredded
wool, Bweeps back from an astonishingly high forehead, a tremendous dom
abovo tho dark thatched brows. -HIb face and forehead aro ruddy wltb
glowing health. His flguro is not tall, but Is orect and powerful, nnd tha
whole man radiates personality. A full-blooded man. His face suggests a
dozen other great men: Tennyson, Lord Salisbury, James J. Hill, tho rail
road builder; Longfellow mon ot great vision, great force, groat human
sympathy. His clothes are aS simple as himself: a dark gray suit whoso
wrinkles show how friendly it is to its owner; a Boft, whlto shirt, a soft
collar, a soft dark blue tlo, polka dotted, looBely knotted. Ho smokes a
JUDGE FINDS JOY IN HEART COURT
Judge William N. Gemmlll, sitting
In tho Chicago court ot domestic rela
tions as tho successor to Judge
Charles N. Goodnow, re-asslgncd, the
other day declared his work a study
Judge Goodnow left the court of
domestic relations becauso ho found
It filled with heartaches.
Judge Gemmlll took up tho labors
ot the court as the most Interesting
labor of tho law.
"I enjoy tho work," said tho now
Judge of the court of hearts. "I havo
Just come from a civil court, largely
dry as dust sort of work. Hero my
work Is full of 'heart Interest.' It is
a studyvof people nnd motives. The
problems hero presented aro as intri
cate and Interesting as lifo Itself.
"An unending procession of lives
and loves aro passed through the
court for observation and study.
"Tho work is far from as full of
heartaches and sorrows as tho work
of a criminal court. There ono has to Impose long, hard sentences, some
times death. Thero aro weeping relatives, downcast, bitter men. Thoy get
a message of tho hard sido of justice, cells and tho gallows. Hero tho labor
of tho court is to produco happiness and peace where Infelicities havo arisen.
Thero is something hopefully constructive about tho work."
"WHAT ON EARTH HAVE YOU BEEN EATING?"
Honry Sparks stumbled over two
trunks, his daughter's blcyclo, barked
his shin, bruised his toos and finally
reached tho door. Thoro In tho hull
stood n young woman, comely and
Htrong looking. "Is this tho place you
want n girl?" sho asked.
A Buddon Joy leaped into Honry
Sparks' heart. "Yes," ho snld. "Como
In. Wo havo Just moved; wo'ro all up
sldo down hero. Look out for tho
Thon Mr. SparkB led tho way Into
tho dining-room and turned tho caller
over to his wlfo. "Yos, wo want a
girl," snld MrB. Sparks; "wo'vo Juot
moved In, and It may bo you won't
wnnt to stay now; you boo how things
Mo nnd what cleaning Is to bo done."
"I'm not afraid to work," Bald tho
At this aiiBwor, Honry Sparks, who
stood In a cornor, almost fainted. Tho
girl produced a lottor from a Luthor
nn clergyman in n llttlo country vil
lage. It happonod that Honry Sparks
know tho man. Tho girl wns tnkeu on
tho spot, as sho declared Bho was
rendy to go to work thon nnd thoro
nnd would havo hor things sont right
ovor from hor cousin's.
Durtug tho wholo conversation MrB
Sparks' face had worn rather a puz
zled expression. When tho girl had
volunteered to stay Mrs. Spnrks said:
"How did you happen to know wo
wnntcd a girl?"
"J saw your advortlBoment," was
tho answor. 'Horo It is," and tho girl
pulled out a copy ot tho morning pa
por. Mrs. Sparks took it. "Mercy,"
sho exclaimed, "that's the advertise
ment ot Mra. Smlthklns, who lives in
tho tint undornenth this, You camo to
tho wrong npartmont,"
"Well, I llko tho looks of this place
anyway, and I'll stay."
"Honry," Bald Mrs. Sparks, "won't
of tho Janitor. "Ho camo up and
went all ovor the plumbing today,"
she snld ono night. "He snld ho
wanted to mnko sure that thore
wnsn't any sowor gas In tho placo "
. "Thoro, It Is Just as I told you,
.Eliza," said Mr. SparkB; "this janitor
doesn't want to seo tho family ot an
old soldlor suffer. I'll glvo him a box
ot cigars tonight. Eliza, this Is tho
flncBt kind of Hfo. Never talk to me
again about taking a suburban houso.
DEAN OF FRENCH JOURNALISTS QUITS
Danger In "Shuttle Kissing."
"Shuttle kissing," bb a vehlclo for
tha transmission of diseases from one
person to another employed in Eng
lish weaving Bhcds, is tho subject of
a recent report which has been Issued
as a parliamentary paper. Tho "kiss:
lng" referred to takes placo when tho
operator puts tho thread through an
eyo in tho shuttle. This Is dono by
placing tho shuttle In tho mouth and
sucking the thread through tho llttlo
opening. Tho report says that while
tho investigation tins shown tho pres
ent method to bo uncleanly "and may
oven bo a possible moans of spreading
infection," tho commltteo docs not
think tho time Is yet rlpo tor instating
either by net of parliament or by reg
ulations on tho abolition of tho exist
ing form ot shuttle
Nuisance at the Table
hope remains of his
Henri Rochefort, veteran polemlst
and dean of French Journalists, has
laid aside his pen forever.
Ho 1b nlmost eighty-two years old.
has been in Journalistic harness for
half a century, and until tho present
Indisposition has not mlsBed writing
an article every day for moro than
forty years. Even since his eyes be
gan to fall him, only once has ho'
missed dictating his dally article.
And now tho doughty old fighter
takes what ho believes to be only a
temporary rest at the imperative or
der of his physicians. Tho paper for
which .ho has written bo many pal-
pltatlng articles announces that no
ono replaces him. It says In effect
what Jofferson replied when tho.
French foreign minister welcomed
him with tho romark: "You replace
Dr. Franklin." "No," replied tho au
thor of Jeffersonlan simplicity; "no
ono can roplaco Dr. Franklin; I
merely nuuuvuu mm. as long as a
reappearance, no ono will succeed Henri
Sto-y of tho Man Who Always Tried
to Bo Funny, Especially Be
In n story by Mary Stownrt Cut
ting In tho Woman's Homo compan
ion appears tho following characteriz
ation of a man who mauo nirasou a
nuisance by always trying to bo
"Mr. llrontwood was woll born, well
educated and successful In affairs. Ho
had, in tho oyos ot his family, ono
fault ho had a maBcullno sense of
humor ot a homely, almost rural typo,
at which his family wlncod uncon
trollably. Mrs. llrontwood, ovon from
tho earliest dayB of their marriage,
had been wont to imploro her Theo
dore when thoy 'woro expecting com
pany, not to be funny."
"Certain Jokes or mannerisms of
his at tho tnblo woro ot dally occur
renco. Hardly noticed any moro when
thoy woro alono, thoy sprang Into
startling promlnenco when there wero
guests. Ho always said, 'People como
from miles around to hear us drink
soup.' Ho Jovially Inquired If ho might
'borrow tho buttor,' or It Ellon, tho
waitress, could 'sparo him another
REAL TRUTH ABOUT SIDE WHISKERS
bIIco of broad.' Ho mado puns on tho
vegetables and ho had a habit of look-
lng with sudden suspicion nt any dish
handed to him, no matter how famil
iar, and nsklug disgustedly, 'What Is
this, anyway?' Strangors alwavB in-
spired him particularly to their enter
tnlumout. Certain ancient, Inherited
anecdotes could bo endured by his
wlfo and children, oven it with ach
ing strain, but thero was a bathtub
story (Mr. Drcntwood had In hl3 early
boyhood migrated with his parents to
what was then tho edge ot tho prai
ries) beginning mendaciously, 'You
know, wo nevor took baths when I
was a boy,' that, though It was amus
ing, nearly wont beyond tho palo ot
refinement, nnd an awful toothbrush
story which positively did. It people
laughed at his atorles, Mr. Drcnt
wood became practically untram
molod. "Another common tnblo romark by
Mr. Drontwood was that ho never
had any ubo for potato salad, becauso
cold potatoes always reminded him
of cold feet, it was also his habit to
admonish people to 'oat slowly and
distinctly.' Ho got this from tho old
saylug, 'Read slowly and distinctly."
' Tho truth about whlskora is out.
Tuni tho spotlight on Chauncoy
Returning to his own, his natlvo
land, nftor his annual wandering on
foreign strands, America's ox-cham-plon
after-dinner stateaman stood on
tho deck of an Atlantic steamer the
other day nnd admitted that ho waB
tho modern father of nil hirsute facial
Mr. Dopew was much Incensed by
the report that an Invasion of Eng
lish whiskers threatens tho United
Statos. Ho fingered his own flowing
whlto ones caressingly as ho mado
tho following polnta:
That ho began, to raise this samo
crop fifty years ago.,
That forty-nlno years nnd nlno
months ago they wero Just as thoy
aro now, barring a whltonoss of color
that is natural at seventy-nine.
That ho mado many annual trips
to England, taking tho whlskora with
him each time, and Juat as surely bringing them back to America each time.
That Englishmen, at first deriding him, camo finally to lmltato him
That within the last fow years few EneliBhmen hnvn veniP.ii i,..
their bleak native out ot doors smooth shaven.
- And that, considering all those things, a thinker can plainly seo It Is
not an Invasion of, English whlskera, but ot native grown American whiskers
that threatens this country.