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THE MAUI NEWS
SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 0, 1909
Tales of Olden Times Round
Uy 15I2N HAIUHiN
Billy Bccd and Jimmy Jones mot
at tlio Wailuku Market and sat
down on a bench to while away an
idle hour gossiping, until a clinnee
remark led the former to ask the
question recorded below, which pet
the two chatting in a reminiscient
mood over old times and customs
which linger only as an indifferent
memory of n generation which is
fast passing away.
"Was Bill Jones who used to live
in Waikapu a relative of yours?"
"No relation at all, excepting he
was a member of the Jones family,"
was Jimmy Jones reply.
"There must bo a lot of Jones
about, for the name seems to be a
most common one. They were
thick as bees round here one time."
"Yes, the woods are full of em,"
sagely remarked Jimmy Jones.
"The Jones and Johns with their
connections and alliances probably
run into millions. The name is
common enough, hut the Jones are
"They may be respectable in a
way, but I never heard of any one
of 'em getting to be President for
instance, and I don't remember of
any famous men named Jones."
"What? Huh! What you don't
know about 'em would fill a big
book! There arc governors, gene
rals, senators, admirals and other
distinguished people belonging to
the Jones clan."
"Never heard of any generals of
that name, exceptin' several colo
nels" commented Bill Reed; "and
Senator Jones of Nevada."
"Now you're talking! You hit
the nail on the head that time, so
you knew Senator Jones, did you?"
"I know this of him" remarked
Bill Iiced. "Senator Jones of Neva
da is said to have bought his way
into the Senate."
Jimmy Jones jumped to his feet;
"That's a dog gone lie! A gratui
tous insult ! The Jones are respect
able people, and I don't see why
you repeat such lies as that. Un
less you may be jealous." And
Jones relapsed into silence and sat
"Don't get sore about it," was
Billy Beed's soothing reply.
"There's nothing to get mad about.
Wo don't know about these matters
except what's in the newspapers,
and I am not doing it to insult
Jimmy Jones felt mollified, and
remarked: "The way the news
papers lie .about our distinguished
Americans is a down right shame.
And there are more famous Jones
than you can shake a stick at, and
since you started the hall a rollin',
why, I'll let you know about some
of 'em. Men to be proud of."
"There was an admiral Jones, ho
hobnobbed with kings. As bravo a
man as ever wore shoe leather. Ho
got into a fight with an English
man-of-war, and it was a fight to
the finish. None of these running
and dodging affairs, hut a stand up
give-and-take fight. When tho
Englishman sunk his ship under
him. he climbed over into the Eng
lish man with his sword in his teeth
and kept up the fight, until tho
Englishman saw what ho was up
against, handod over his sword and
owned up Jones to be the better
man of the two. Ah, that was a
And tho old man roso to his feet,
threw out his breast, put his thumbs
into the arm holes of his vest and
strutted about with evident pride
over tho heroism of tho famous
Bill Reed felt disgusted over the
way he was putting on airs and
made a remark intended to pull
him down a peg or two, but Jimmy
Jones ignored it. lie twirled his
fingers a bit, cocked his hat to one
side, held his nose a little higher
and walked on undisturbed. Pre
sently he resumed talking, as if ad
dressing an admiring crowd instead
of Bill Reed who was fast getting
into a grouchy mood.
"There is King John of England,
a real, true born, blue blooded king,
and he was the top knot of the
Jones family. Come to think of
your remark, may be that is why
none of 'em wanted to be a Presi
dent. A family with a king up the
family tree would look on it as
quite a come down for one of 'em to
become an ordinary President.
There is a divinity about a king
which comes to him by noble birth,
and a President is a common fellow
alongside a king."
Billy Reed was fast losing patience
and made a cutting allusion but
Jimmy ignored it entirely. Went
on smiling complacently and kept
on talking as if he enjoyed the con
fusion of his friend, who sat frett
ing and annoyed at what he had
started, for it was evident Jimmy
Jones had the best of the argument.
"I suppose since you are getting
so puffed up that you wouldn't want
to talk with ordinary common peo
ple like myself any more."
In a twinkling Jones sat down
beside his bosom friend, the far off
look, the haughty air and grand pos
ture vanished, and he beamed pleas
antly and contentedly as was his
"You wanted to run down the
Jones family" he said "and as a
member of that respectable family,
it fell to my lot to uphold its pride,
tho glory and honor which is ours
and its history, matters of some
moment to any self respecting man.
"You wanted to scoff and to poke
fun at us, and you can't deny it.
May be you had what you wanted,
but if you arc a truthful and honest
! man, you'll own up Jimmy Jones
had you by the hip, had you runn
ing and had the best of you, and
duly defended family honor from
all reproach, and ran clear of all
malicious imputations of disloyalty
to the family name, which is here
published and made known for the
benefit of all scoffers and jesters.
"And now, my good friend Reed,
let us hear from you whatever Bill
Jones of Waikapu did to attract
your attention; narrate it without
malice for he was once a disreput
able twig from the family tree, but
all respectable families have now
and then a black sheep, an excep
tion to show by contrast the i-e-spectability
of the family.
"You should have studied for the
ministry for that's the cut of your
jib,'' remarked Billy Reed.
Jimmy Jones laughed lightly and
replied, "Let's hear your story,
don't keep me waiting, for I sup
pose it is mostly a cock and hull
story about something my kinsman
Bill Jones never did."
Billy Reed composed himself, took
a long breath, and proceeded in a
solemn monotorous droning voice,
as if, reciting something ho knew by
heart and was specially prepared
for the occasion, to relate tho story
hereinbelow set forth.
"Bill Jones of Waikapu was an
ordinary common enough looking
feller, and he had some good points
about him and probably some bad
ones too. He was as sober as a par
son, and looked as submissive, and
we suspected what made him have
the hang dog worried look about
him, and was so sure of our grounds,
that we were ready to bet any sport
to a stand still on it, but nobody
wanted to be contrarg so the opixir
tunity went for nothing.
"Physically ho was a storong
man, but mentally he was a bit
queer; for he would drink nothing
strong. And he kept dry when
everything was ag'in him keeping
"And he loved to bo with us. In
those days we made this little town
a livelier place than she has ever
seen since. Riding horses full
speed down tho streets like a pack
of wild Indians, whooping it up
nights, and cutting up all sorts of
deviltry until we got the whole
police forco demoralized and so bad
ly rattled, that after displaying moro
cussedness and wickedness than
folks would want to wink at, the
police would let any of our gang of
ioys slip out of town from right
under their noses sooner'n pull any
of us in."
"That's a plain cock and bull
story," chipped in Jones. "Who
ever beard of the police getting
scared of a feller like you for in
stance?" "It's a fact," said Bill Reed.
"The police and and the judge had
some experience with our boys,
which they never wanted repeated.
They pulled in one of our boys, and
he raised Cain in the lockup all
night. They took him into court
next morning, what was left of hiin
after the mosquitoes and liens and
bed bugs had pastured on him over
night, and he was sore and as full
of cussedness as ever. The judge,
the lawyers and clerks were sitting
round to receive him, all as solemn
as owls, and they all looked at him,
and that riled him, and he started
a cussing at 'em right therein court,
lie had no idea of the majesty of
the law, so the judge chipped in
making remarks at his rude be
haviour, which he resented as some
thing personal. lie jumped over
chairs, tallies and lawyers, and biff
ed the judge in the face.
"That broke up the court and
everybody went out in a hurry,
some of 'em jumped out the win
dows. They didn't know what he
might do next and didn't care to
stay and find out.
"After the rumpus.quieted down,
the judge wanted to hang the
prisoner, and after a while wanted
to put him in the chain gang for an
year, but he finally cooled down
enough to give him the limit allow
ed by law, which was twenty-five
dollars for punching the judge, and
twenty-five more for the racket he
kicked up with tho police. We
paid his fine and got him out, and
sent him away to Hawaii to keep
him from giving the judge another
licking, which he was bent on doing.
"Probably that's why we nevy
got popular with the police and
judge. The court didn't want to
have his face used for a punching
bag, with him getting the hard
knocks, and the sheriff raking in
the coin. And the police never
wanted the job of landing any of us
in jail, and having to sit up all
night to hold the jail together, and
all that kind of trouble.
"Later on billard playing was
introduced and we got busy playing
at it so that wo allowed things to.
cbol down around town. We got
the billiard fever bad and Bill Jones
got it too with all of the rest of us.
"We made the billiard parlor at
Fosaick's on High Street our ren
dez.vous, and Bill Jones tagged along
with us. Jones was then deaf and
somewhat sensitive about it. He
wanted to lie pleasant, and when he
thought any one was speaking to
him he'd make a plcasent reply, a
failing we found out and turned to
suit our own wicked purposes.
"One day,. Jim O'Connor, who
was out of sorts, made a nasty re
mark to Bill Jones, while by the
blind bar. And Bill Jones with
child like faith took it for a com
pliment of some kind, and thanked
Jim with a remark that he'd take
nothing stronger'n soda water.
"We all laughed and Jones laugh
ed too. I supbosed he guessed there
was a joke somewhere and didn't
want to lot on that ho didn't know.
A failing quite common to deaf
"After we disposed of the drinks
Jim O'Connor steps up to him and
yelled out: 'You blanked old fool!
You're deaf as a bat, and you don't
know enough to take a tumble to
yourself! I wisli you're in hell!
Go home, you old hen pecked bas
"And Bill Jones who heard nary a
word of it took it all in bowed grave
ly and looked as pleased as if he was
getting a boquet instead of a bunch
of cussed words! and replies: 'Yes,
my friend I wish you the same
luck, same to you sir!'
"And we all roared, not at Jones,
but at Jim O'Connor, who had .just
got married. And if his better half
was to he as sharp tongucd as Mrs.
Jones, why he was up against it
"After that'incident, Bill Jones
became the target for any profanity
wo fell like turning loose on him.
"Some months before Christmas
that year we got together on some
deviltry, and after giving Jones the
usual bunch of cuss words some one
suggested giving the Jones family
a surprise party with presents for
"This kindly spirit was engender
ed perhaps from the fact that the
Jones' family had had a particular
hard time of it that season. Three
of the Jones' children had gotten
sick, one after another, but had all
recovered. Mrs. Maria Jones had
had her share of illness and was
"And Jones' mother-in-law, Ka
maka, a good kindly old soul, even
if she did have a sharp tongue, had
worn herself out nursing and caring
for the sick family. She had capped
the climax of Jones' domestic trou
ble by falling sick, rapidly growing
worse and had finally died or kicked
the bucket, which was a great mis
fortune to the Jones' family, but an
event we thoughtlessly declared, if
Jones wasn't so queer about slicking
on to the water wagon should have
entitled him to a most glorious
"That was the situation when we
fixed on surprising the Jones' family
with presents, and sent clear over
to Boston for an ear trumpet for
"I remember the day we went
over for the surprise party. We
passed the presents around, and
gave Bill-Jones, the prize we had
for him, an ear trumpet 1
"He put up all kinds of excuses
against accepting what he said was
a valuable gift, and it was only a
gilded tin horn which had cost us
about two dollars!
"We insisted and made him un
derstand he would be no friend of
ours if he did not accept it, and that
argument prevailed and he took it.
"To say that Jones was happy
couldn't begin to tell how he felt
over it. For he laughed and shouted
and behaved like a boy witli his
first tin whistle.
"With that trumpet to his ear he
heard the voice of his wife, hut I
say it faithfully and truly that when
he did hear her sharp voice, he
quailed and looked troubled. After
so many years of immunity he very
likely felt our gift to lie something
of doubtful value.
"When he heard the voices of his
own children and the baby got up
on his knees and crowed into the
ear trumpet, Bill Jones was fairly
overcome, and tears of joy rolled
down his sun tanned cheeks. And
wo felt like interlopers, for the scene
was too domestic for a lot of wild
fellows like what we were, and we
pulled out and got away from there,
"The new year day following
Major Cornwell's sugar mill shut
down and deaf Bill Jones with that
ear trumpet under his coat came
clear over to the billiard parlor to
try his new fangled 'contraption'
"We didn't know it, and probab
ly wouldn't have cared if wo did,
for we had been out making new
year calls, and were more than
usual in a devil-may-care mood.
Wo greeted him with the usual
round of profanity, to which he
grinned affably, and ho challenged
us to a game of billiards.
"It was a game of pin pool we
went into with bets on the side, but
Bill Jones got busted early and got
out of it. Wo had no thought of the
cold blooded villainy ho was up t",
but after his refusal he stayed
around to look on, apd we cased
our feelings by cussing at lnin.
"But Bill Jones with bis car
trumpet had been hankering to find
out the kind of compliments we had
been handing out to him. Ho didn't
know tho villainy of mankind, hut
he found it out then and there!
Oh why did wo distrust the faith he
reposed, with childlike confidence
in us by presenting him with the
impliment of our own undoing,
that car trumpet !
"Why did we? but we did!
"At tho first chance he got ho
slipped to one 'side, got tho ear
trumpet all primed for business to
his car, and proceeded to take in
the music. The reek of profanity
we leveled at him ! The picturesque
strings of euss words we threw at
himl And he heard it.
"He blushed and turned white,
whilst we tripped thoughtlessly
round that billiard table in the in
nocence of our hearts, with cues
levelled at ivory balls all unaware
of the Nemises at our very heels
and all of our own making, oh
what fools men can be sometimes I
"Jones heard, and rage and hate
flashed from his eyes. The ear1
trumpet, the devil's device for our
undoing, fell from his hands, and
at one jump he struck Jim O'Con
nor a blow which hurled, him out
through the doorway and against
the verandah post.
"One glance and we saw what
was coming, and we stood not on
the order of going, hut went flying
liekety split for the front yard and
"We hit the front yard and he
got there as soon as we did! We
jumped through the gate in one,
two, three order, with me last on
the string, and he that near he
aimed a blo,v at my head which
would have landed me into the open
ditch, if I hadn't duck quickly.
"Out in the street we split our
bunch and each took a separate line
of retreat and that stumped Jones.
He wanted to catch us and wreak
his unholy vengance on each of us,
and the nianuver was too much for
him, so he gave up the chase and
went back to the billiard parlor.
"Jim O'Connor was seeing all
this and when he saw Jones coming
his direction he concluded lie didn't
want to see Jones' just then, and
made tracks for safety and oblivion.
There was plenty room for hiding in
the basement of the hostlery, but
Jim O'Connor preferred distance
from Jones just then. So he sneak
ed to the backyard, crawled through
a break in the picket fence and let
himself safely into the nearby cane
fields. "But all things come to an end.
Bill Jones subsided, not in anger,
for he was mad clear through and
his prey had gotten away, for him
to cool off quickly, but in his noi
some wrath and wicked profanity
probably ammunition ran out. He
may have felt ashamed or he may
have enjoyed the Hurry he started,
but he went home, with coat off
carrying it over his arm; collar
busted and shirt open, he made a
bee lino hoofing it for home and
"For weeks after that we kept
shy of Bill Jones. When playing
billiards if any one said Jones, we'd
get nervous. Not that any of us
feared him, only we were friends of
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Jones and didn't want any more
rough house scenes with him.
"But Jones was human and in a
little while ho felt the craving all
sensible people have for human socie
ty. When he came around probably
wanting to beg our pardon and
make friends again, we dodged him
safely and skipped out, till he got
"Kosdick had taken care of that
devil's 'contraption,' Jones' car
trumpet, and he took the occasion
to give it back to him. Jones took
it in a matter of fact way and with
quivering lipt dashed it on the floor
lie let out a lot of profanity, and
jumped on it with both feet, ground
his hfels on it until there was noth
ing left of the gift ear trumpet but
so much frazzled tin, then kicked it
out into the yard.
"He told old man Fosdick, that
he'd rather stay deaf a thousand
years than lose his friends, and.he'd
rather not hear another word this
side of hell, sooner 'n have that ear
trumpet stand between him and his
"That was as decisive a declara
tion of peace as any one would
want, so we all Hocked back and
shook bands with him, choking off 'V
his profuse begging for pardons by
insisting on pouring whiskey down
his throat, which he wouldn't allow
us to do.
"It was a happy reunion for us
all, and to cap the climax we got in
and played billiards together. And
Jim O'Connor, who got hit and
sneaked through the broken fence
for cover New Year's day being
somewhat full of bad whiskey
to cussing at Jones as of old."
''Yes," observed Jones. "1 heard
of it when I came back, and I've
been among wicked people but I
never seen a piece of malicious
wickedness the equal of that. Tak
ing advantage of a man's infirmity
that way! why if 1 had been here
then, I wouldn't have allowed it.
And you Billy Reed ought to bo
ashamed of yourself for aiding
and abetting a piece of wickedness
The undersigned hereby gives notice
that lie will not be responsible for any
debts contracted without his written or
der. F,. II. HAIIHY,
Dec. Jan. Feb,
I have given a General l'ower of Attor.
ney to C. 1). Jviifkiii who will attend to
til- business during my absence.
E. II. IiAIIvRV.
Dec. Jan. Feb.