Newspaper Page Text
THE MAUI NEWS, SATURDAY, JANUARY 7, 19J0
til Timed Bragging. '
An Irishman and C.erirmu were flit
ting, on a pier tlshlnit.) Neither Rave
the other any, .concern The Irishman
. smoked a way phil
osophically at bis
cliiy, while the
, thought or was
nv bite. Suddenly
the German fell
into the' water.
The splash recall
ed tbe Irishman
from his preoccu
pation. That was
all it did. how
ever. He never
made a more to
offer aid to the
man struggling in
The irishman ' the stream.
. ,D AWAT- "1 can't wlmf"
said the German as be came up. "1
ft't' swlmf he shouted louder as he
! came to the;" surface for tbe second
'. Mine. ',''
Aa be was about to disappear for the
' third time the German cried beartrend-
,"l can't sw-i-m:"
."It'a a d d funny time to boast
rfbout It," replied tbe smoker of the
clay. '. ..
. ... ,
" ; "Might Hava!"
1 hive lived my life, and 1 face the end.
But that other life 1 might have led
. Wh la the road, and; who was It
AhU what was the goal when the years
Wrfer tajr tbe road?- Did I miss the turn?
' .The friend unknown? Our greetings un
said? And tha coal unsought? Shall I never
. leant .
' What waa that life I might have led?
''Am tba sprlnrs last look for one dear day
... From skies autumnal on earth may
,' bend. ' -i
. So lures me that other life but, nay!
I have lived my life, and 1 face the end.
-Edith M. Thomas.
Ona etay a-Mf city bank received the
v following message from, one of. Its
5j country correspondents: "Pay $25 to
; -Jobn Smith, who will call today." Tbe
lty , became sus-'
. picion ;;wten , a
Into the bank a
' who shouted that
;' . be was J o b n
Smith and want-
ed some money.
j " Two clerks push
t '; ed. fulled , and
.. piloted tbe bolst
v erous individual
into -a private
r. ' room away from
the sight and
hearing of regular, depositors.
., . cashier wired the country bank: ;.'
"Man claiming, to be. John Smith is
here.' Highly Intoxicated. , Sbulf. we
1 await Identification?' ' .
Tbe answer read: '. "Identification
complete! Payithe ' money." Success
.Averting a Panic ' ; ''
On one occaslou John Philip Sousa
by his promptness was the ''direct
means of stopping a panic which might
have had the most disastrous results.
White bis band was playing before 12,
000 "people . In St. Louis the. elec trio
lights-In the hall went out suddenly.
' People began to move uneasily In their
- seats, and tome even began to make a
rush for the doors. Coolly tapping
' -.' with, his baton, Sousa gave a. signal,
and immediately bis band began play
lng "Oh, Dear, What Can the Matter
Be?" A tiny ripple. of laughter that
,'. went round the audience showed that
confidence had been partially restored.
When the band began to play "Walt
. . Till the Clouds Roll By" the laughter
. deepened into a roar of merriment that
ended only when tbe lights were turn-
- ed on again.
A Favored Congregation.
famous North Carolina clergyman
. while preaching from tbe text, "He
glvetb hia beloved sleep," stopped in
V," tbe middle of his discourse, gazed upon
- hla alnmbering congregation and said,
0 "Brethren, it is hd to realize the nn
. bounded love which, the Lord appears
to bare for a. large portion of my au-
. r ......
'"' A Painted Question.
y. There la an amusing story told of
; Emperor Francis Joseph of Austria
-apd the famous old soldier Gaigotzy:
."After tbe occupation by Austro-Hun-,,girlan
forces of Bosnia-Herzegovina
, Oalgotzy was set to build a military
'.. road. Funds were short and the sum
? available for tbe purpose seemed hope
y leasly insufficient. By dint of hard
work and ingenuity Gaigotzy succeed
7 ed Bevertbelesa in performing hia task
V. and thereupon reported, 'Road built;
;'- 25.000 florins received. 25,000 florins
pent; remains, nothing.' "
Dissatisfied with so summary an ac
count, the audit officials applied for a
detailed statement of expenditure.
Gaigotzy ignored " the application.
which was presently renewed in per
emptory form. Impatient of red tape,
he replied: "Road built; 25,000 florins
received. 25,000 florins spent; remains,
nothing. Whoever doubts' it is an
ass!" ' ,
Shocked by such impropriety, a sol
emn official submitted Galgotzy's ac
count to the emperor, who blandly In
gulfed, "Do you, then, doubt It?"
It Came With a 8igh After Ha Paid
For His First Cocktail.
Mr. Laverty had his' first day off in
seven years recently Hiid derided to
take ndvantiifre, of it ly moving In
'high society." For seven years he
had tolled early and Inte fur the Unit
ed (ins Improvement company. In
those seven years Mr. Laverty had
dug many miles of ditches and after
the Insertion of small pipes bad dil
igently filled them up again; hence
he bud IttUe time to mingle with tbe
elite In those years: hence also the
pride ond jrlory of his new suit when
be strolled Into Green's hotel that
To.be' sure he felt out of place
among the "swells" be saw there, but
be wouldn't show It if be could help
It. A neighbor at the bar ordered a
cocktail, and Mr. Laverty when- ask
ed his pleasure by tbe white coated
gentlemnn behind the bar merely nod-
I WONDKH BOW BK KMOWKO.'
ded bis bead, toward bis neighbor's
glass and sh id. "Give me one av
thlm." . .
As the drink -was in course of prep
aration be laid a silver quarter on the
bar and stood ready for tbe beverage.
As the barkeeper set down the drink
he' swept Mr. Laverty's quarter up
with the other. band and put It in tbe
register. Mr. Laverty, drank his "one
av thlm4 and stood' patiently at the'
bar fully twenty minutes before the
barkeeper took further notice of him,
but when asked if be wanted another
Mr.1 Laverty' shook hfs bead; , . ( ,
"Are yon wlr1ng(for anything?" the
barkeeper asked him some ten min
utes later. . '
"I am that." answered Mr. Laverty,
"I am waiting for me change." j
' "You have no change coming," an-:
ewered the barkeeper, striving to sup-,
press a smile. "Mixed, drinks are all
25 cents, here." '
. "I wonder bow be knowett I was a
Mick." said Laverty as.bw left the
" "Mick's drinks a quarter! Be golly,
I wisb I was, Dutch !"-Phlladelpbia
Times.' .. ' ' ' ,
In a Quandary. ' -v
.The doctor hnd looked at tbe pa
tient's tongue, taken bis temperature,
felt bis pulse and Was at the point of
leaving tbe room when he paused to
say to the sick man's' wife, "Madame,
in addition to your giving the medi
cine I have prescribed I wish yon
would see that every morning your
husband gets a shower bath."
The woman looked worried. "But.
doctor," she propounded anxiously,
"what am I goin' to do the mornul's
we don't have no showers?"
Mrs. Briggs Speeoh.
Mrs. Brifgs irved in tbe northern
part of Indiana, a long distance from
any village. Hearing that the Rev.
Mr. Goodwin was to preach in a town
ship some, twenty .miles distant, she
resolved to be present, and, as no
other way offered, . she walked the
twenty miles. The pastor beard ' of
this and was so pleased at tbe appre
ciation which it showed that tbe
close of the sermon he mentioned the
fact to tbe congregation and . called
upon Mrs. Briggs to tell them bow she
Rising slowly, she looked ovef tbe
audience with great solemnity and
"I hoofed it." . . f
' Then sbe sat down again. '
nuraor ts not expected on a death
bed, but It Is often, there. An English
clergyman. Rev. Charles II. Kelly, re
lates a good story about the late Rev.
C- H. Spurgeou. He was on the border
land of death at Mentone. and tbe
night was very stormy. Next morning
a lady Baid to Spurgeon, "I am afraid
the wild - waves disturbed you, Mr.
"No." replied the great preacher,
"but do you know what the wild waves
were Haying? They were saying, 'Let
us spray.' "
- A Hard Jolt.
At a certain college It was tbe cus
tom to have tbe students write the fol
lowing pledge at tbe bottom of their
examination papers: . "I hereby certify
on my bonoi that I have neither given
nor received aid during this examina
tion." Soon after handing in his paper to a
professor.' noted for bis sarcasm, a
youug fellow hurriedly 'entered the
classroom ami suid. "Professor, I for
got to put the pledge on my paper."
"Altogether unnecessary," replied tbe
teacher. "I have just finished looking
over your paper, and I feel sure that
you did not give nor receive aid."
By R. PEMBERTON SLADE
Copyright. 1910. by American Press
When 1 was surgeon on board the
Allemtinia. mnking trips between
Bremen and Philadelphia, ns 1 was
taking my constitutional one after
noon on the upper deck a Indy sitting
in a steamer chntr accosted me. ' "
"I believe you are the ship's medical
man." Hhesnld. : ,', ;
"I 'om." I responded, raislug' my cap.
"If you will kindly sit by me I will
tell you of an operation I am thinking
of having performed." " v ,
I dropped in the vacant chair be
side her, and'sbe began.
"My eyes are a natural freak," she
said.- "Tou will perceive that my
right eye is black and my left is steel
color. I, being a woman, am very sen-
sltlve to my personal appearance. ; Now, '
I wish to talk with you of the feasi
bility of making my eyes the same ,
color." ' r ' '
"That is impossible," I said decid
edly, i ' ', '.. . ;
"Whyr ' v.
"Why Why. because it is.-impps-.
sible." ... . . , , '.'
"I have thought much of tbe .mat- '
ter and hove conceived a ' plnn by
which 1 think it can be done.'" "
:'Tou? Do you know anything about
surgery of the eye" ; '
'(Not professionally." .
"Then why do- you aspire to sng-.
gest a process that an educated , oc
ulist would not even consider?" , . . ,
" "Becnuse I believe It is possible.?'' ' ?
Thinking the woman might be in
sane, I looked her In both eyes for
the eye if a telltale on .insanity but
could see no indications as to what I
."Very well." 1 said.' "What is your
process?" -',', .'.,;'
'"I propose to tattoo my gray eye
with India ink."
I was at first disposed to smile at the
idea, but It-oon occurred to me that
if the India ink' could' be, iplacod be
neath the surface of the, cornea. a
it may be .tattooed under the skin
Nonsense! Does not the pupil contract
and dilate? When much contracted it
would leave a ring of tbe. original- col
,"My dear young lady," I said, "your
scheme Is preposterous." ;' '' ' ' -'
"Nevertheless I shall try it.'.' . ,.:
' "nA lose your eye.", , f., ,1
. VThat is my only fear. .. But T bnv
decided to take the risk.". ' .; - ;
' Finding it impossible to dissuade her
or induce her even to" wait .till she
reached port, where she could ' be
knocked out of her (Tazv Idea-by an
oculist in order- to save her feora .)U-k,
probable consequences, of her. expert-1
. i - a i ll -,
lucui, t boiu. ; f ;
"The cornea of the eye is not sensi
tive. Indeed. It Is really a caslugtto
the eye. 'something (Ike . an , onion.
Now, 1 would suggest, since you will
not listen to reason, that' 1 'tattoo! some
harmless fluid of the proper color, on
the eye as near as possible to the pu
pil. ..True, will soon be absorbed,
but It will be a test to guide us as ito
whether it will be safe to repeat ' the
operation with a durable filling." -j
"How long will this experimental
fluid remain?" asked the lady. -
"Several days perhaps, . possibly
longer." ' . . . -" v. '.j .
"The very thing! Will you perform
. "Not unless you. refuse to' promise
that you will not do if yourself.' ;'
"I certainly shall do It myself unless
you consent to do it for me." ,
' "Well, then; whenever you are ready,
come to my office." ,
' The lady did nob come to me till the
day' before- we were' due in port ' It
seemed absurd to attend to .a -matter
about which there waa not the slight
est necessity, for baste, and I made a
strenuous attempt to persuade her to'
defer the operation till after she bad
landed. . -But r Bhe resolutely persisted
in her intention to perform it herself'
before a glass if I declined, and, know
ing that .this, especially , on - a rolling
ship, might result In the loss of the
eye, I finally gave in. '
Taking a lot of needles, I tied them
into a bundle, dipped them into a
harmless vegetable preparation and
tapped the eye with their points ever
so lightly. This I kept up Ull tbe
surface to be covered was. .so nearly
of tbe hue' of the other eye- that -Hie
difference cpnld not be easily1, detected.
The next day when the. .lady went
aBhore she was profuse in her thanks
and volunteered' to advise me of the
success of tbe experiment. ' I told her
I should be Interested to bear it,
though, to tell. the truth, I never ex
pected to hear from her again, regard
ing her one of those many cranks who
appear to be perfectly' sane, but, in
whose makenp some screw Is loose.
A couple of weeks later I received a
letter, tbe handwriting of which Was
not familiar to me. Indeed, It bore
evidence of having been disguised. It
My Dear Doctor t am happy to report
to you that the experiment was admira
bly successful. - The tattoo lasted about
ten days, which waa all that was required.
The customs olllcers had a description of
me. their attention having- been especially
directed to my one gray and one black
eye. They were watching- very carefully
when 1 descended the - gangplank and
spotted me for everything except tbe eyes.
Thanks to you I got 160,000 worth of dia
monds through duty free. Your ft a by
The letter .was unsigned.' The next
day I received a package containing a
fine diamond, which I had mounted for
a solitaire stud.
After that I refused any request of
a passenger unless I understood the
reason for its asking.
Wlh y? .
We Carry Everything You Require
Vsa'tSy Riigs, Bedroom Sets,
Bureaus, Chairs, etc. etc.
l'":-;x' : . ' bt our '
" "'.'''' . . ' " ' ,
Maui Dry Goods & Grocery Co., Ltd.
LET US LOAN YOU A
BOILER TUBE CLEANER
, , ' " '.'-' .,.)-, ')?..,
'. for a thorough trial In one boiler. ,
If we can't prote that you ilo have scale in xpite of wliat you
njay bu-doing to combat it, itnd if wo can't prove that the DEAN
removes Bcale more thoroughly, with greater rune, in less fitne, at
iiemaller uoKt than any other device on the market, you may lox
it up and return it. at our expense'.1
Honolulu Iron Works Co.
Sfitne UableU(ahiilui Railroad Co.
The following schedule will
Kahului Railroad Co.
ALKXANDKU & liALDWIN, LTD.; -ALKXANDKIt
& HALIAVIN, LTI., Line of Sailing Vessels Utween
Han Francisco and Hawaiian 1'orts;
AMKIUCAN-IIAWAIIAN STEAMSHIP CO.
go into effect July 1st, 1909.
Tass. Pass. prt- Freight Freight
Carriage and Automobile
- 1 ' . ! . . ,
Corner Market and Main St.? Wailuku
ct. 9. '
MULES FOR SALE.
By eneh trip of the S. S. Enter
prirte we are receiving a fresh supply
of California Hordes and Mules.
Write for costs, stating size and kind
of animals wanted. We are hand
ling only young. and sound animals
and are in a position togjve you the
best price and finest of stock.
Volcano Stables & Transportation Co.
LODGE MAU I, No. 984, A. F. & A. M
Stated riieeiinirs will be xheld at
MasJiiie Hall, Kahului, on the' first
Saturday nijri't of each month at 7.30
Visitiny brethren are cordially in-'
vited to attend.
J. N. S. WILLIAMS U. W. M.
t. f. Secretary.-
Al.OHA LODGE NO. 3 KNIGHTS
Regular luecliugs will be held at the
Knights of Pythias Hail, Wailuku, on the
second and fourth Saturdays of each
All visiting mi-iuU-rs are cordially i f
viteil to attend.
K. t DHlMiRT, C. C.
W. L. WKST, K. OF Rr '