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THE GARDEN ISLAND TUESDAY, JAN. 29, 191S
"The Mnatcr Drawing Pencil"
has 1 men stvloil by representa
tive usoi as tho most nl
vnneed step in pencil making
during tlio last quarter cen
tury. For sale by
Hawaiian News Co., Ltd.
CALIFORNIA FEED CO 1
Hay, Grain and Chickiin I
Sole Agents for
International Stock. Poultry Fooil
and other sH'cialties. Arabic for
cooling Iron Hoofs. I'etalunia In
(iuhators and Brooders.
King's Special Chick Foon
P. O. Box 452, Honolulu
mmmmm mmmmm -
Wholesale and Retail Groceries
Dry Goods of all Descriptions.
postal and express charges,
by having your
clothes dyed by the
Don't semi those garments
to the Coast for such work.
We are equipped to do it
just as scientifically and
will handle it just as care
fully and thoroughly, as
any Mainland concern can.
777 So. King st.,
0 J? Jf
Jt J J
FRANK COX, Manager
W. H. ZIMMERMAN
I . . . ;
rii m r im . a
JU1IN F. UAl'nZO, Lihue, Kauai.
SATAN GIVES UP
HIS JOBJO KAISER
FRANKLY ADMITS HE IS NO
LONGER IN IT, AND
GIVES UP KEY
SAYS HELL IS NOTHING LIKE THIS
Thought He Was Some Devil, But Says
That Kaiser Wilhelm Got His Goat
And Beat Him at His Own Job
Louis Syberkrop of Creston, In., has
acquired much fame in recent weeks
as an author of a satire on Kaiser
Wilhelm. Reports have come to him
from Tumulty, Secretary Daniels. Roo
sevelt, anil people In every state in the
V'nlon and in Canada for copies of this
article. The Garden Island has there
fore decided to give space to it at this
time, notwithstanding its length.
It is reprined from the Nassua Tele
graph: "The Infernal Region
"June 28, 11117.
"To Wilhelm von Hohcnzollern, King
of Prussia, Eperor of all Germany,
and Knvoy Extraordinary of Al
mighty God :
My dear Wilhelm:
1 can call you by that familiar cog
nomen, because I have always been
very cloHe to you. Much closer than
you have irrer imagined.
In the days of Rome I created a
roughneck known in hisry as Nero.
He was a vulgar character, and suited
my purpose admirably, at that partic
ular time. In these modern days a
classic deon and efficient aupercrtml
nal was needed, and as I know the Ho
henzollern family, I selected you as my
special Instrument to place on earth
an annex to hell.
I gave you an abnormal ambition,
likewise an over-supply of egotism, so
that you might not discover your own
failings. I twisted your mind to that
of a mad man, with certain normal
tendencies to carry you by, a most dan
gerous character placed in power. 1
gave you the power of a hyjnotist
and a certain magnetic force that you
might sway your people.
Three Evil Spirits to Assist
I am responsible for the deformed
arm that hangs helpless by your left
side, for your crippled condition em
bitters your life and destroys all noble
impulses that might otherwise cause
me anxiety, but your strong sword arm
is driven by your ambition that downs
anil sentiment and pity.
1 placed in your mind a dep hatred
of all things English, for of all nations
on earth, I hate England most. Foi
wherever England plants her flag she
brings order out of chaos, and the
hated cross always follows the Union
.lack. Under her rule wild tribes be
come tillers of the soil and in due time
practical citizens. She is the great
civilizer of the globe, and I hate her.
I planted in your soul a cruel hatred
of your mother because she was ling
lish, and left my good friend Bismarck
to fan the flame 1 had kindled. Re
cent history proves how well our work
was done. It broke your royal moth
er's heart, but I have gained my pur
pose. The inherited disease of the Hohen
.ollerns killed your father, just as it
will kill you, and you became the ruler
of Germany and a tool of mine sooner
than I expected.
To assist you and further hasten ray
work, I sent to you three evil spirits,
Niltsche, Treitschke, and later Hen
hardi, whose teaching Inflamed the
youth of Germany, who in good time
would be loyal and willing subjects,
and eager to spill their blood and pull
your chestnuts, yours and mine. The
spell has been perfect.
Playing no Favorites
You cast your ambitious eyes toward
the Mediterranean, Egypt, India and
the Dardanelles, and you began your
great railway to Hag-dad, but the am
bitious archduke anil his still more
ambitious wife stood in your way.
It was then that I sowed tho seed in
your heart that blossomed Into the
assassination of the duke and his wife,
and all hell smiled when we saw how
cleverly you saddled the crime onto
I saw you set sail fur tho fjords of
Norway, and I knew you would prove
an alibi. How cleverly done. So
remarkably like your noble grandfath
er, who also secured the assassin to
remove old King Frederick of Den
mark, and later robbed that country
of two provinces that gave Germany
an opportunity to become a naval pow
er. Murder is dirty work, but it takes a
Hohenzollern to make a way and get
Your opportunity was at hand. You
set the world on (ire, and the bells of
hell were ringing. Your rape on Bel
gium caused great joy in hell. It was
the beginning, a perfect foundation for
a perfct hell on earth. The destruc
tion of noble cathedrals and other in
finite iks of art was hailed with joy
in the infernal regions.
You made war on friend and foe,
alike, and the murder of civilians
showed that my teachings hud borne
fruit. Your treachery toward neutral
nations hastened a universal upheaval,
the tiling I most desired.
Your under-sea warfare is a master
stroke. From the smallest mackerel
pot to the great I.usitania, you have
shown no favorites. ' As a war lord,
you stand supreme, for you have no
mercy; you have no consideration for
the baby dining to its mother's breast
as they both go down into the deep to
gether, only to be torn apart audi lei
surely devoured by the sharks down
among the coral.
Above All Expectations
1 have strolled over the battlefields
of Belgium and France. I have seen
your hand of destruction everywhere.
It is all your work, superlieiui that I
I have seen the fields of Poland, now
n wilderness fit for prowling beasts
only. No merry children In Poland
now, as they have all succumbed to
cold and starvation. I drifted down to
Galicia. where formerly Jews and Gen
tiles lived happily together. I found
but ruins and nshes. I f. It a curious
pride in my pupil, for It was above nil
I was in Belgium, when you drove
the whole population before you likke
cattle Into slavery; when you separa
ted man and wife and forced them to
hard labor in the trenches. I have
seen the most fiendish crimes commit
ted there in the name of military ne
cessity, and I began to wonder if my
ow nlitle hell was really upto date.
You have taken millions of dollars
from innocent victims, and called it
Indemnity. You have lived on the fat
of the land you have usurped and sent
the real owners away to starvation.
You have strayed away from legal
ized war methods, and introduced a
code of your own. You have robbed
and killed the people of friendly na
tions and destroyed their property.
You are liar, a hypocrite, and a bluffer
of the highest magnitude. You nre
mine, and yet you pose as the person
al friend of God.
Ah, Wilhelm. you are a wonder. You
wantonly destroy all things In your
path and leave nothing for coming gen
erations. Content to Take a Back Seat
I was amazed when I saw you form a
partnership with the Impossible Turk,
the chronic killer of Christians, nnd
you a devout worshipper in tho Luth
jran Church. I confess Willim, that
you sometimes puzzle mo. You sure
lo get my goat, sometimes. '
A Mahommetan army, commanded
by German officers, assisting each oth
er in massacreeiug Christians, is a
new line of warfare. That is, it Is a
new one on me, and I thought I was !
pretty well up to all the devilishness
that was going on.
When a Prussian officer can witness
i nude woman being disemboweled by
i swarthy Turk, committing a double
nurder by one cut of his saber, and
:almly stand by and see a house full
f innocent Armenians locked up, the
louse saturated with oil and fired, it
egins to look like I was n't much of a
'.evil, after all, compared with you and
I confess that my satanic soul grew
tick and then and there I knew that
he pupil was greater than his master.
'. am a back number, Wilhelm, and I am
itrongly thinking of abdicating in your
The great key of hell will be turned
iver to you. The gavel that has so
iften struck the doom of damned souls
dnce time began, is yours. I am sat
sfied with what I have done. I be-
ieve that my abdication in your favor
ivll be for the very best interests of
iell. In the future, I am at your sor
ice. Affectionately and sincerely,
Luther H. Satan."
Tip Top Theatre Show Schedule Changed to
Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday.
TUESDAY, JAN. 29
laskys great emotion a l stai;, in
"III E CRYSTAL GAZER"
An unusual story by Marri.in Fairfax, exir-ii:; '; Fakes of
Hypnotism in a most dramatic manner.
12th CIIAPTKR OK THE AMERICAN GIRL
J1KAUST 1'ATIIK NFAVS I'lCTOlII AL Most np-t. ..l.,te Litest War News I'i.torial Pictur.
n t v 1 .bol i
I J Pannic Ward Jyf
Major and Mrs. Putman's Dinner
Major and Mrs. Frank Futman en
.ertained at dinner on Monday even
ng, Jan. 21st, for Major and Mrs.
leering, Mr. and Mrs. Gaylord Wilcox
md General Wlsser. Advertiser.
John D. Paris, prominent, rancher
ind land owner at Kealakekua, Ha
waii, died,, at his homo on Jan. 17th.
The Inter-Island Company reports
hat tho sum of $5,000 has been col
lected by that company during the
;ast month as war tax.
Raymond C. Brown, secretary of the
Honolulu Chamber of Commerce, re
liorts that liquor to the amount of
5920,000 was imported into Hawaii
during the past year. Very eloquent,
these figures are.
William J. West, of the von Ilamml
Young Company of Honolulu, has
gone to Hi'.o to assume tho manage
ment of the branch there, and George
Humphrey, who has been in charge
there for about a year, has returned
Princess Abagail Kawanakoa has
returned to Honolulu from her trip to
Los Angeles, London and New York.
She has been away two years. She
expects to remain In Honolulu until
th middle of February, when she will
return to New York.
Alfred W. Parker, of tho Waimea
ranch on Hawaii, this year planted
400 acres of corn. That's going some
too, for Hawaii. But it does seem im
possible to get ahead of a newspaper
man. The Advertiser raised the crop
to 4,000 acres at one stroke of its old
Senator George P. Cooke, of Molo
kai, the owner of the big Kaunakakal
ranch, has removed with his family
to Honolulu, where he will take up
work for tho government. James
Munro will continue to manage the
THURSDAY, JANUARY 31
See! Tlie Third Chapter of
TH1 FKARLICSS FILM STAR IX
"THE RAILROAD RAIDERS"
SATURDAY, FEB. 2
KXTKAOi:i.)INAHV ATT I! ACTION
America's st:ktiii:ai:t-I!ack acain in
"The Pride of the Clan"
A (lenuint' Story of beautiful Scotland. Little Mary's bonnie
wee- smile is tlie soul of this lender
Friday, Feb. 1 , Tip Top Theatre
Waimea, Sat. Feb. 2 : , . :
Eleele, Tues. Feb. 5 : :
Kapaa, Thur. Jan. 3 1 .
Makaweli, Mon. Feb. 4.
Koloa, Wed. Feb. 6.
"The Crystal Gazer" Program will be sliotvii at
KOLOA. WKD.. JAN. 30; MAKAWKLI, THUR., JAN. 31; WAIMEA, FRI.
FEU. 1; KEKAHA, SAT., FEU. 2; KAPAA, MON. FEU. 4.
"Helen Holmes Serial" program
HOMESTEAD. TUES., FEU. 5; ELEELE, WEI)., FEU. f.;
FUE. 8; KOLOA, ST., FEB. 9; WAIMEA. MON. , FEU. 11.
GOVERNOR ALL RIGHT ON BREAKWATER
Tho Governor, in his letter to the
Harbor Hoard, takes the stand that all
hope for the breakwater at Nawiliwili
need not be abandoned, notwithstand
ing that the Kauai Hallway Company
has announced that it has no intention
of extending its line to Nawiliwili.
In his hitter the Governor says:
"As the rights of way which effect
the proposed railway and the land
that will produce the necessary ton
nage are under control of tho land
commissioner, he will, advising with
those affected, endeavor to secure the
adjustment of all points so that the
Harbor Commission can cany out Its
objects, which are confined to the
proposed harbor and wharves."
That sounds like Governor was on
the right side of the argument, to say
J. I. Silva, Prop.
ONI' of the LISA DING HOUSES for all kinds of DRY
GOODS, BOOTS & SHOES, MEN'S FURNISHINGS.
CIGARS K: TOBACCOS and NOTIONS of every description,
FOR WINK. BEER and OTHER LIQUORS, Ring Up 73 W.
Main Office, Eleele, Kauai. Tel. 7 1 W.
Complying with the request of the Food
LIHUE MEAT MARKET
will sell NO MEAT of any kind on
Tuesday, the "Meatless Day" and NO
PORK on Tuesdays and Saturdays, the
Assist your country in conserving the
Fish may be obtained any day in the week.
Vl''',-,l' Z ,
HALL & SN
jl Distributors Vf jjj
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