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THE NATIONAL TBLBUXE: WASHINGTON. 1). C, AUGUST 27, 3 8S1.
THE BELLS OF LYNN.
When the eve i. growing gray, and the title is rolling in,
I sit and look ii('io the bay to the bonny town of Lynn ;
And the fisher folk? are near,
Hut I wis they never hear
The Mi)ip the far bells' make for me, the bonny bells of
The folk are chatting; gay, and 1 hear their merry din.
But 1 look and look across the bay to the bonny town of
He told me to wait here
Upon the old brown pier.
To wait and watch hinrconiing when the title was roll
ing; in. fc
Oh, isv him pulling; strung, pulling o'er the bay to me.
And I hear his iovial -ong, and his merry face 1 see;
Aimim.iriiiju..lu , ' ,
Ami now lie'?, at the pier.
My lionuy love and dear!
And he. coining up the ea-wa-.hed step- with hands
out-tretvhed to me.
O my love, your cheek is cold, and your hand? are stark
and thin !
O hear you not the bell of old, the bonny bella of Lynn?
O. have you noug-ht to say
Upon our wedding- day?
Ixive. hear you not the wedding- bells aeros the Bay of
O my lover, speak to me ! and hold me fa.-t, mine own '.
For I fear this rising-ea, and these wind?, ami waves that
. A s?
But never a won! he said !
lie is dead, my love is dead !
Ah me Tali me! I did not dream : and I am all alone.
Alone, and old, and gray: and the tide U rolling-in:
JJut my heart's away, away, away, in the old graveyard
at Lynn !
Fred. E. Wcalherlii in Temple Bar.
UY M.M. KKCKMAXN-CHATKIAX.
Last year, just before the carnival, there was a
report in Hunebourg that the world was coining
to an end. Dr. Zacharias Piper, of Colmar. first
snrendthis disatrreeble news: it was spoken of in
the Lame Messenger in the Perfect Christian, and people were shoving each other about ; the drinks deed the old lantern of the Capuchin convent,
in fifty other iournals ' eould not be served quick enough, and father . It is not usually lit, because there have been no
Zacharias Piper had calculated that a comet Zimmerman, who had a contract for the supply, ' monks there since 17!).S, and because the inhabi
would descend from the skies on Shrove Tucs- might boast of feathering his nest well that night. tants of Hunebourg generally go to bed with the
dav bavin"- a tail formed of boilin"- water one ' Those who had taken rather too much began , cocks and hens : but on this night, the watchman,
hundred and five million miles in length melt ' to stumble down the staircase. The snow kept Burrhus, foreseeing that there would be a good
... . . . .
the smnw on the liiy.he.st mountains, wither he
trees, and burn up everybody.
A learned man, named Popinot. had written
from Paris to say that there was no doubt the
comet would come, but that it tail would be
composed of such light vapor as to cause no one
the least inconvenience: that people might go on
quietly with their business: that he would an
swer for everything. This assurance allayed
much alarm. .
But. unfortunately, there lives at Hunebourg,
in the little street of the "Three Jugs." an old
wool-spinner named Maria Finck. She is a little.
pale, withered old woman, covered with wrinkles
whom people go and consult on the most delicate '
and important affairs of life. She lives in a low
room, the ceiling of which is decorated with
painted eggs, red and blue stripes, gilded nuts,
and a thousand other fanciful objects. She
dresses herelf up in old finery and lives on
cchaude. Ahich two things give her great au
thority in the neighborhood.
Maria Finck, instead of approving of good M.
Popinot "s opinion, declared herself to be on the
side of Zacharias Piper, and kept saying: "Be
converted and prav; repent of your sins, and X1P the stairs, upsetting those who were coming , it could b
give to the Church, for the end of the world is at down aml crk'(1 out in :l terrified voice "The ' assured bet
hand, the end is at hand ! " !
m o, r..Hiioc mill n.: Hio vnmii woe . ,i,.tnv '
of hell to which neonle were all "oinr down bv i
A V t IV. illl 11IVJ, .IV V .V AfJM.Mi. tl- 4 lIVUUH.
a path all sown with roses. Xone of them
seemed to have a suspicion about the place to
which this road was leading them; thev were
dancing along, some with a bottle' in their hands,
some with a ham, others with a string of sausages.
A workman, with ribbons flyin- from his hat, !
was playing the clarionet to amuse them on their ;
way. Some were kissing their partners, and all
these poor wretches were heedlessly approach-
in"- the pit full of flames into which already the '
. . i
Shrove Tuesday in acts of repentance.
Never had such a thing been heard of before.
The adjutant and captain, as well as the non-commissioned
officers in garrison at Hunebourg, were
quite in despair. All the preparations for the
fete the decorations of the great hall of the
mayoralty with moss and trophies of arms: the
" r x
.stage raised for the orchestra; the beer, kir.sch,
H bitehoz, ordered for refreshments ; in short,
Nail their arrangements were to be of no use, since
the young ladies of the town would no longer
hear a word about the dance.
"I am not a cruel fellow," said Sergeant
Duehene; "but if I got hold of your Zacharias i
Piper he should have a hard time of it."
But with all this, those who were most dis
tressed and disappointed were Daniel Spitz, the
foremost were fallinr their arms extendedand xinmcuiaieiy a inuiiuenng oi looisicps was 10 nus m cum wmcr, nu.xuig uit- wnoie wen to
their lcs in the air. " i oc heard down the staircase; every one rushed gether; then add two tablespoonfuls of farina of
It is e;isv to imagine what would be the reflec- I out, the women groaning; indeed the uproar was ' potatoes: let it be mixed thoroughly with the
lions of every sensible person on looking at this fearful. In a few minutes the room was quite; liquid in the bowl: then pour in as much boil
picture. No one is so virtuous as not to have a ' emPry. Duehene left me, and being exhausted, , ing water as will convert the whole into a jelly,
certain number of sins on his conscience; i leant on a windowsill and watched the people and mix it well. It may be taken alone or with
So most of the people of Hunebourg agreed ' rurmmg UP the street; then I went off too, mad the addition of a little milk in case of stomachic
that they would have no carnival, but siiend ! witl1 despair. ! debility or consumptive disorders. The dish is
secretary of the mayoralty; Jerome Bertha, the j J soon i"g"t up with those who were running
postmaster's son: Dujardin, the tax-collector. ' to the fountain. There it was terrible indeed to
and I. A week before Ave had gone to Strasbourg j near the krroanilles- Every one saw immediately
on purpose to buy ourselves fancy costumes! ! lnat it was really a comet; and as for me, I
Uncle Tobias had given me fifty francs out of thought that it had already doubled in size. It
his own pocket, so that I need spare nothing. I j seemed to be darting out lightning, and the pro
therefore had chosen for myself, at Mademoiselle f(nm(1 Wkness of the night made it appear as
Dardenai's, the costume of a clown. This con
sists of a kind of shirt, with wide folds and long
sleeves, trimmed with onion-shaped buttons as
big as one's fist, which are set so close from the
throat down to the knee as to rattle against each
other. A little black skull cap is to be worn on
the head, and the face whitened with flour.
Provided one has a long nose, and deep sunken
eyes, the effect is admirable.
Dujardin, because of his fat paunch, had
chosen a Turkish costume, embroidered up all
the seams; Spitz, the dress of Punch, made of a
thousand pieces of red, green, and yellow stuff
a hump in front, one behind, and a great gen
d'arme's hat to be worn on the back of his head;
nothing could be better. Jerome Bertha wits to
be a savage, and was to have a plume of parrot's
We felt sure beforehand that all the young
girls would leave the soldiers to have us as their
And after having spent all his money, was it
not enough to set one against the whole human
race, to see everything going to the deuce, all
through the stupidity of an old mad "woman, or
of a Zacharias Piper!
Well, people are always the same, and fools
will ever have the best of it.
At last Shrove Tuesday arrived ; the sky was
heavy with snow. One looked right and left,
up and down: no comet was to be seen. The
girls all seemed bewildered. Off ran the young
fellows to the houses of their cousins, aunts, and
irodmothcrs, savinir, " You see now that old
Mother Finck is mad, and that there's no sense
, . . . . . . . ., , -
whatever in her notions about the comet. Do
comets eAer come in the winter? Do they not
always choose the vintage time? Well, well,
vou must now decide: there's still time. etc.. etc.
The soldiers, on their side, went into the
kitchens, and talked to the maid-servants, ex
horting them and loading them with reproaches.
Many people began to pluck up courage. The
old men and women went arm in arm to see the
decorations of the great hall of the mayoralty;
, the stars made of sabres, and the little tricolorcd
! flans between the windows, excited universal ad
I miration. Then people's minds began to change;
I they remembered that it was Shrove Tuesday.
i .Suddenly all the young ladies made haste to get
j their smart petticoats out of their cupboards, and
I to wax their shoes.
I Bv ten o'clock the great hall of the mavoralty
was lull of people; we had carried the day; there
was not a single girl in Hunebourg who did not
answer to the call. The clarionets, the trombones,
the big drums, responded ; the lights sparkled in
the windows, the country dances went merrily, the
waltzers whirled round madly; the young men
and girls were in a state of wild enjoyment; the
old grandmothers seated against the walls were
laughing heartily. At the refreshment counters
..,. .4i.. r.,n:., i",,Vi. ti.;..c i,.i .,;,-,., ,.
wMa"j """"p- --- !' "' '-"
1,11 1 J1.lT -1.L 1 1 11
tne nouse-Key, so mai x iiiigiii go uome wnen i nimseii, cnaruaoiy uiougiit jic -.uum pm a can
liked. Till two o'clock I did not miss a single die into the old lantern, so as to prevent people
waltz, but bv that time I had had enough ; the
refreshments were getting info my head. I went by the old cloisters. We could now clearly dis
out. Directly 1 was in the street I felt better, tinmiish the old lantern between the branches of
and so began to deliberate whether I should go the trees. The snuff of the candle was as thick
back again or go home and go to bed. I should as one's tl . and when there was a little gust
have liked to go on dancing, but, on the other of wiiu snuff caught fire, and threw out, as
hand. I was sleepy. , it were, cashes of lightning, and this was what
At hist 1 decided to go home, and started on seemed to move forward like a comet. When 1
my way for the street Saint Sylvester, groping saw till this, I was just going to call out to let the
along the wall, and reasoning with myself as I ' rest of the people know, when the sergeant stopped
went. I had walked on in this wav foi about ten me, saving. "Hold your tongue! If it were
ifes. vnl was 'just going to turn the corner
by the fountain, when, happening by chance to '
look up, 1 saw behind the trees a moon as red as
a hot coal, coming right at me through the skies.
It was still millions of miles away, but it was
moving so fast that it would be over us in a
quarter of an hour. This sight almost knocked
me down: I felt my hair already shriveling up,
and I said to myself "It is the comet ! Zacha-'
rias Piper was right!" And, without knowing '
what I was doing. I ran to the mayoralty, climbed
colet! tl,c comet! "
The dance was at it merriest
the big drum
was thundering; the young fellows were stamp-
ing tneir feet; tne girls looked as red as poppies;
but when my voice was heard in the room crying, !
"The comet! the comet!" there was a profound
silence, and every one turned pale. ;
Sergeant Duehene, darting to the door, seized
n0 me? Pu ns uan(l over mJ mouth, and
?Jll(l : Are 'ou ma(l ,iokl .'our tongue, will
But I, staggering backward, kept repeating,
'" a tne of despair: "The comet! the comet!"
I ..-.. J-. i. I., A-l.-J--,ll-.l. -A ... . A
As I passed the refreshment counter 1 saw the .
sutler, Catherine Lagoutte, and Corporal Bouquet I
emptying a bowl of punch. Short life and merry ;
ending!" they were saying.
On the steps outside a number of people were
seated, and were confessing to each other. One 1
said, "I have been a usurer!" another,"! have si ve. there have been expended, for civil and mis
used false weights!" another, "1 have cheated at cellaneous purposes, ?1, 51 fyl 41. 855.51. For AYar,
cards ! " They were all tal king together, and from ! 4,:J1 3,G60.0:$2.4rt. Navy, $1 ,01 2,80P,272.97. 1 n
time to time they interrupted themselves to cry ' dians, $1S7,158,5"J5.22.
out for mercy. Among them I recognized the old j During the same period the receints were, from
I baker, Fevre, and mother Lauritz; they were ;
j striking their breasts, and looking perfectly mis- j
But I did not pay much attention to all these
things, for I had sins enough of my own to think
red as blood. The crowd kept repeating, in a
voice of lamentation :
"It is finished! it is finished! and we are lost!"
The women called on Saint Joseph, Saint Chris
topher, Saint Nicholas; in short, on all the saints
in the calendar. At this moment every sin I had
ever committed seemed to come before my mind,
and I felt a horror of myself. I trembled from
head to foot as I thought that we were now going
to be burnt. On his crutches, close by me, Avas
the old beggar Balthazar. When you are in
heaven, you will remember me, will you not?"
I said to him.
Ife replied, sobbing: "I am myself a great
sinner, Monsieur Christian ; 1 have been deceiv
ing the parish for these thirty years, from the
love of idleness, for I am not as lame as you
"And, as for me, Balthazar," I went on, "I am
the greatest criminal in Hunebourg."
We were almost weeping in each other's arms.
. We had all been on our knees there for a quar-
. ter of an hour, when Sergeant Duehene arrived
i quite out of breath. He had run first towards the
arsenal, and seeing nothing down there, came
back by the street of the Capuchins.
well!" said lie, wnat on earui niaue you cry
Then perceiving the comet
: "Thunder alive!"
exclaimed he, "what is that?"
"It is the end of the world, sergeant," said Bal
thazar. " The end of the world ? "
" Yes, the comet."
Duchane tiegan to swear furiously, crying out :
"If the adjutant were but here one would have
the "word of command."
Then, all of a sudden, he drew his sabre, and
gliding along against the wall, exclaimed: 'Tor
ward! "What do T care for it? I'll reconnoitre,
Everyone admired his courage; as for me, I
was quite carried away by his audacity, and de
termined to follow him. We went along slowly,
staring at the comet, which kept increasing visi-
bly in size, as if it were traveling millions of miles
At last we arrived at the corner of the old con
vent of the Capuchins. The comet now appeared
to mount up: the more we advanced the more it
mounted ; we were obliged to raise our heads; tit
last Duehene had quite to bend his neck back
wards, and look straight up into the air. 1 was
, a few steps further oft and was looking at the
ooking at the
, comet a little sideways. wtiscons
in myself if it were prudent to go tiny further,
J when suddenly the sergeant stopped, and said in
a low voice: "Good heavens! it is the street lan-
t "The lantern!" I exclaimed, running forward,
; "can it be so?"
1 looked up quite wonder struck. It was in-
, ..,......- :....... .,... l ..1wm, imi'm-n i.. -,,.. j j i.,i
"'. ii J"r .uui, .... . cn w
- ... 1 , lli!. li.l.-.ll L
from tumbling into the ditch which goes along
known that we had made a charge at a lantern.
we should get finely laughed at. Listen to me.
HOW VOLTAIRE CURED HIS STOMACH,
In the "Memoirs of Count Segur" there is the
following anecdote: "My mother, the Countess
de Segur. being asked by Voltaire respecting her
health, told him that the most painful feeling
she had arose from the decay in her stomach and
the difficulty of finding any kind of aliment that
't 're, by way of consolation,
iS once for nearly a year in
the same st.
,i ieved to be incurable, but i
rv simple remedy had re-
stored him. It consisted in taking no other
nourishment than yolks oi eggs heaten up with
the flour of potatoes and water." Though this
circumstance concerned so extraordinary a person
as Voltaire, it is astonishing how little it is
known and how rarely the remedy has been
practiced. Its efficacy, however, in case of de-
bihty. cannot be questioned, and the following is
the mode of preparing this valuable article of
food as recommended by Sir John Sinclair: Beat
up an egg in a bowl and then add six tablespoon- j
-- ,. l.l.J........ .-....., 4- I. .v .- 1. I . 11 J I
light and easily digested, extremely wholesome
and nourishing. Bread or biscuit may be taken j
with it as the stouach gets stronger,
Dunixc; the years 17HJ) to June 30, 1880, inclu-
Customs, $4,438,96:$,427.40. Internal Revenue. !
$2,072,092,980.77. Direct Tax, $27,648,750.58.'
- - . j
j Public Lands, $205,504,319.41, aggregating, with
otllcr miscellaneous receipts, the sum of nearly
At the end of the year 1790 there were but 75
post-offices in the United States, and 1,875 miles
of post routes.
June 30, 1880, there were 42,989 post-offices,
and 343,888 miles of routes.
During the year ending June 30, 1880, the num
ber of letters, postal cards, books, newspapers,
magazines, and other articles transmitted through
the mails of the United States, aggregated 2,215,
In the year 1837 there were but 435 patents is
sued by the United States, the receipts being
$29,289.08, and the expenditures $33,500.98. In
1879 the number of patents issued was 12,725 ;
receipts were $703,931.47, and the expenditures
$529,638.97, leaving a etish surplus of $174,292.50.
During the year ending July 1, 1881, 14,660 pat
ents were issued.
During the year ending June 30, 1880, there
were entered as homesteads 6,045,571 acres of the
public lands; and under the timber-culture acts
2,193,184 additional acres were taken up.
The Government receipts from sales of public
lands, during the year 1880, were $1,016,506.60.
The Kussian Empire has 8,404,767 square miles
of territory; the Chinese Empire 3,924,627; the
Dominion of Canada 3,483,952; the United States
3,603,834, and Brazil 3,275,326 square miles.
j SOME CURIOUS BIBLES.
; There are several "Treacle Bibles" known to
' book-collectors. The edition of May, 1541, of
Cranmer's Bible, at Jeremiah viii.: 22, asks: "Is
there no triacle tt Gilead? Is there no phisyeyon
, there?" There also appeared a Kosin jsihie in
which that word was substituted tor treacle, ami
a "Bug" Bible, because that unpleasant insect
was said by the printers to be the "terror by
night," mentioned in the fifth verse of Psalm xei.
The "Vinegar" Bible, printed by the Clarendon
Press, Oxford, in 1717, is so called from the twen-
tieth chapter of Luke's Gospel being said to con- There were two nines. These nines were an tag
tain "The Parable of the Vinegar" (instead of j oni'ts. The ball is a pretty little drop of softness,
"vineyard") in the summary of contents at the size of a goose egg. and five degrees harder than a
head of the chapter. It was looked upon as a ', rock. The two nines play against each other. It
good joke in the times of political corruption
when Matthew (v.: 9) was made to say: "Blessed
are the placc-nuikcvs.1' The "Breeches" Bible,
printed at Geneva in lob'O, said at Genesis iii.: 7,
that Adam and Eve "made themselves &vrfs.''
This version is as old as Wyclilfe's time, and ap
pears in his Bible. Some curious changes in the
uses of words have taken place even since the
date of the authorized version. For instance, the
word "prevent," which in the seventeenth cent-
ury meant, and ought still to mean, "to antici-
pate.'7 It is derived from the Latin m?mmr,
"to come before," and in the authorized version
never means to hinder." Shakspeare uses "pre-
vent" for "anticipate" in "Julius Ctesar," vol. 1,
and Burns in his "Cottar's Saturday Night." A
printer's error in the authorized version which
( has been allowed to remain may be noted in this
place: the letter s has been prefixed without au
thority to the word " ncezed " in Second Kings,
iv.: 35. It is printed correctiy (neesings) in the
only other place where it occurs, at Job xli.: IS.
"Neeze" is also to be found in "A Midsummer
ii.: 1. Chambers Journal.
"What is rack rent, dad?" inquired a young
Comstocker, who had been reading the news from
Ireland. The patient parent laid down the stock
list and replied :
" Do you know how much I charge Mr. Bog-
, - ' ' ""J """" "l' "
" Yes, sir; $12 a month."
" Well. now,suppose Mr. Boggarty should take it
into his head to have, at his own expense, new
i paper on the walls, the ceiling whitened, and all
! the furniture mended, the room would look a
1 heap better, wouldn't it?"
j " Lor," murmered the intelligent lad.
" Well, if the minute Boggarty had all the im
provements made, 1 should go up and look around,
j and jingle my money in my pocket, and remark :
'This is a pretty good lay-out for a single man
Boggarty, and you have altogether too soft a thing.
Your rent will be $20 a month hereafter,' what
would you think of it ? "
The innocent child giggled, and said: "That
would be cheek, wouldn't it, dad?"
"Bet your money on it, my boy." replied the
father, beaming kindly upon hh offspring.
"That would be rack renting Mr. Boggarty. and
if he kicked and said that all the improvements
! had been made by him. without costing me a cent,
i I should fire him" out, and that would be eviction!
I I will now," continued the parent, warming up,
"briefly review the history of Ireland for the past
700 years. AYhen Brian Borhu '
But-the boy had fled. I'irgiilui City Chronicle.
WORDS OF WISDOM.
Censure is the tax a man pays to the public for
An idle reason lessons the weight of the good
ones given before.
Some men take more care to hide their wisdom
than their folly.
Elephants are always drawn smaller than life,
but a flea alwavs larger.
Virtue is always more persecuted by the wicked
than beloved by the righteous
T WK. I 1 i T
Everyone is the son of his own works.
IFonev is not for the mouth of an ass.
No padlock, bolts, or bars can secure a maiden
so well as her own reserve.
AYit and humor belong to genius alone.
HE DID IT,
The Fanny was coming down the Mississippi
loaded with pig lead. As she was going over a
, shoal place the pilot gave the signal to heave the
, lead. The only man forward at the time was a
i green Irishman. ''"VYhv don't you heave the
I lead?" ls it to heave the lead, your honor?
j Whereto?" "Overboard, you blockhead!" The
j Irishman snatched up one of the pigs of lead and
I threw it overboard ; the mate, in endeavoring to
i prevent him, lost his balance and fell into the
! river. The captain, running to the edge of the
cleck Juskc(1 : "AVhv you llCilvc the lead'
an(1 sh,S out how mudl water ther is?" "The
lead is heaved, your honor, and the mate has
gone down to see how much water there is,"
" I wonder," said a native to a northern trav
eler on a North Carolina railroad, "did you be
long to a critter regiment, or was you a footman?
We didn't mind them so much ; but them 'ere
critter soldiers was lightning when they got after
a fellow's cattle, pigs, and chickens. I have seen
many a one of 'em who could milk a cow in the
mouth of a canteen on a keen run without spill
ing a drop."
, "When I was a young man," says the philoso
pher Billings, "I was always in a hurry to hold
the big end of the log and do all the lifting;
now I am older, I seize hold of the small end
and do all the grunting.
Hope tenches us that blackest cloud
Tins e'er si silver lining ;
That e'en while thunder mutters loud
The sun is somewhere shining,
Although we see it not ; thnt night
Seems darkest, just ere morning
Shoots from the East its golden light.
The fields of earth adorning;
That earthly cares find sweet relief
In God's own bright forever,
Where bitter trials, pain nor grief
May come to vex us never.
AN EDITOR PLAYS BASE BALL.
' The delightful and tender game of base ball
i huvin"- broken out with fresh violence this sea-
son, the following sketch is in order:
, The doctor sahl we needed exercise. Doctor
knows. He told us to join base ball; we joined.
, Bought a book of instructions, and for live days
studied it wiselv. if not too well. Then we bought
a augar-seoop cap, a red belt, a green shirt, yellow
trewsers, pumpkin-colored shoes, a paper collar,
and a purple necktie, and, with a lot of other dele-
gates, moved gently to the ground,
is a quiet game, much like chess, only a little,
more chaw than chess.
There was an umpire. His position was a hard
one. lie sits on a box, and yells "foul." His
duty is severe.
I took the bat. It is a murderous plaything
descended from Pocahontas to the head of John
Smith. The man in front of me was a pitcher.
' Ifc was a nice pitcher, but he sent the balls hot.
. The man behind me was a catcher. lie caught
! it, too!
I Umpire said ''play." It is the most radical
J phiy I know of, this baseball. Sawing cord wood
is moonlight rambles beside base ball. So the
pitcher sent a ball toward me. It looked pretty
coining, so 1 let it come. Then he sent another.
j I hit it with the club, and hove it gently upwar
; Then I started to walk to the first base. The hi
hit the pitcher's hands, and somebody said he
caught a fly. Alas, poor fly. I walked leisurely
toward the base. Another man took the bat. I
turned to see how he was making it, and a mule
kicked me on the cheek. The man said it was
the ball. It felt like a mule, and I reposed on the
grass. The ball went on!
Pretty soon there were two more flies, and three
of us flew out. Then the other nine came in, and
us nine went out. This was better. Just as I
was standing on my dignity in the left field, a
hot ball, as they call it, came skyrocketing toward
me. My captain yelled " take it!"
I hastened gently forward to where the ball was
aiming to descend. I have a good eye to measure
distances, and I saw at a glance where the little
tcrolite was to light. I put up my hands. How
sweetly the ball descended! Everybody looked.
I felt something warm in my eye. "Muffin!"
yelled ninety fellows. "Muffin bed d! It's a
cannon ball!"' For three days I have had two
pounds of raw beef on that eye, and yet it pain
eth! Then I wanted to go home, but my gentle can-
tain said " nav : "
so I nayed and stayed. Pretty
soon it was my strike. "To bat!" yelled the
j umpire. I went, but not all serene, as was my
J wont. The pitcher sent in one hip high it struck
me in the gullet. "Foul!" yelled the umpire,
TIe sent in the ball again. This time I took it
! square, and sent it down the right field, through
a parlor window, a kerosene lamp, and rip up
; against the head of an infant who was quietly
! taking its nap in his or its mother's amis. Then
i T slung the bat, and meandered forth to the first;
' base. I heard high words, and looked. When I
iun the bat I had with it broken the jaw of the
umpire, ana was nneu ten cents.
I he game went on. I liked it. It is so much
fun to run from base to base just in tnvie to be put
out, or to chase a ball three-fourths of a mile down
hill, while all the spectators yell, "Muffin!" "go
it ! " " home run " " go around again ! " or, " go
round a dozen times." Base ball is a sweet lit-
' tie game. When it came my turn to bat again,
I noticed everybody moved back about ten rods!
; The new umpire retreated twelve rods. He was
timid. The pitcher sent 'em in hot. Hot balls in
I time of war are good, but I don't like 'em too hot
j for fun. After a while I got a fair clip at it, and
; you bet it went cutting the daises down the right
! field. A fat man and a dog sat in the shade of an
i oak. enjoying the game. The ball broke one leg
of the dog, and landed, like a runaway engine, in
the corporosity of the fat man. He was taken
home to die.
Then I went on a double-quick to the field, and
tried to stop a hot ball. It came toward me from
the bat at the rate of nine miles a minute. I put
up my hands the ball went sweetly singing on
its way, with all the skin from my palms with it.
More raw beef.
That was an eventful chap who first invented
base ball. It's such fun. I've played five games,
and this is the result.
Twenty-seven dollars paid out for things.
One bunged eye badly bunged.
One broken little finger.
One bump on the head.
Nineteen lame backs. . . i
A sore jaw.
One thumb dislocated.
Three sprained ankles.
Five swelled lens.
One dislocated shoulder from trying to tliTovr
the ball a thousand yards.
Two hands raw from trying to stop hot balls.
A lump the size of a hornet's uest on left hip,
A nose sweetly jammed, and five uniforms
spoiled from rolling in the dirt at the bases.
I have played two weeks, and don't think I
like the game. I've looked over the scorer's book,
and find that I've broken several bats, made one
tally, broken one umpire's jaw, broken ten win
dows in adjoining houses, killed a baby, broke
i the leg of a dog, mortally injured the breadbasket
of a spectator, knocked five of our players out of
time by slinging my bat, and knocked the water
fall from a school-marm who was standing twenty
rods from the field, a quiet looker-on.
I've used up fifteen bottles of arnica liniment,
five bottles of lotions, half a raw beef, and am so
full of pain that it seems as if my limbs were but
broken bats, and my legs the limbs of a dead
horse-chestnut. Banbury Nexes.
"Pat," said a gentleman who was fond of using
high-sounding phraseology to his man of all work,
" I am going to town at ten o'clock and shall weed
out the cucumber beds in the interim." "Interim?"
thought Pat. " That's a mighty quare name for
a garden, anyhow." "Is Mr. Smithe at home?"
asked a visitor who called shortly afterward.
" Yis,sorr; ye'll find him at work in his interim,
there beyant," announced Pat. Anon.