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THE NATIONAL TKIBUXE: WASHINGTON, D. C, AUGUST 27, 1881.
THE CHURCH SPIDER.
Two spiders, so the story goe,
Uoii n living bent.
Kntered the meeting-house one tiny,
And hopefully were heard to say,
" Here we shall have at lea-t, fair play,
With nothing to prevent."'
Each chose his plaee and went to Avork;
The light webs grew apace;
One on the altar spun his thread.
But shortly eame the -exton dreal,
And swept him oil, and -o half dead, .
He sought another place.
"I'll try the pulpit neM," said lie,
"Theu surely is a prize;
The desk appears so neat and clean,
I'm sure no spider there ha been ;
Besides, how often have I seen
The pastor brushing flies'
He tried the pulpit, but alas!
His hope, proved visionary ;
With dusting brush the sexton eame,
And sjxnled his geometric game,
Nor gave him time or -paee to claim
The right of sanctuary.
At length, half starved, and weak and lean,
He sought liis former neighbor,
Who now had grown so sleek and round.
He weighed a fraction of a pound,
And looked as if the art he'd found
Of living without labor.
' How is it, friend,' lie asked " that I
Endure such thumps and knock,
"While you have grown so very gross! "
" 'Tis plain," he answered : " not a loss
I've met, since first I spun across
The contribution box.
Tor The National Tkibunk.
DEACON JONES AND THE RAT.
A serpent is reported to have done the business
for the "first family" of the land, and an inno
cent rat eame near effecting the downfall of the
Jones household, and in this manner:
Jones was a deacon one of the pillars of the
church lived in the country, and held it a part
of his religious duty to shave himself every Sab
hath morning immediately after doing the
Last Sunday he came in from the performance
of his out-door duties, proceeded up stairs, and
soon had his face well plastered over with a stiff
coating of lather. He had just commenced strop
ping his razor when Mrs. Jones excitedly called
out from below, "Rufus, come and kill this rat!"
"What rat?' queried the Deacon.
"There's one in the kitchen, come quick.' was
the hurried response; ''it Aon't shoo out."
"Won't shoo out,' sarcastically grunted the
good man, as he laid down his razor, ,ca woman
never does know how to do anything." Then,
-without stopping to wipe oft the lather, now rap
idly hardening into an enamel of the best Yankee
soap, he descended to the theater of war. arming
himself with an ax-handle by the way.
When he reached the kitchen, where prepara
tions for the morning meal were progressing, he
found everything and everybody in a state of con
fusion. His better-half was standing in the mid
dle of the floor, her skirts gathered closely about
her portly form, and his two daughters, Seraphina
and Sophronia, aged sixteen and eighteen respect
ively, were perched upon chairs. Thomas Jeft'er
sen Jones, a lad of nine, was sitting behind the
stove when his parent entered.
"The way to kill a rat properly is to do it qui
etly," remarked the Deacon, carefully locking the
door after him. 'You don't want to frighten it
to death. One well-directed blow settles the
matter. Show 'm to me. Wait! Keep still! I
Gently approaching the intruder, snugly en
sconced in a corner of the room, and partly con
cealed by the dust-pan, Jones brought his weapon
down with tremendous force upon the clothes
line, stretched across the apartment for use in
He did'nt swear as the bludgeon boomeranged
and gave him a terrific thump upon the head, but
he spoke very firmly to his wife: " Mrs. Jones, I
wish you would keep still."
The rat never moved; and, recovering himself,
the Deacon made another essay at demolishing
the rodent, and succeeded in knocking the dust
pan into smithereens, severely bruising his hands
The rat now glided along the wall towards
Thomas Jefferson still innocently sitting behind
the stove. Jones followed, and when the rat set
tled down let fly. Holy Moses and the angels!
what a clatter. A dozen or two milk pans had
been piled up on a shelf close by to dry, and the
cudgel, in its swift descent, brought them all to
the floor in short order.
"Bully for you, Pop! Hit 'em again,' yelled
the youthful Jones.
" None of your impudence, you young repro
bate," growled the Deacon. " Did'nt I tell you to
keep still? And Mrs. Jones, what are you laugh
ing at, I'd like to know? Do you think I'm a ten
cent circus ? "
Mrs. Jones smoothed the merriment out of her
face at this reproof, and, espying the rat, the head
of the family adopted a new system of tactics.
Holding his weapon a few inches above the floor,
and enjoining Thomas, near whom the rat had lo
cated, to keep perfectly quiet, he began creeping
toward the game. Reaching within striking dis
tance he straightened up to delher the blow, and,
in doing so, brought his cranium in contact with
the open door of the elevated oven under which
lie had heedlessly crawled. '' Thunder-'n '-lightning,
goddle ouci, !" he yelled, at the top of
his voice. " Why the dev "
"Don't swear, Rufus," interrupted his wife.
"I never who's goin to? Where's that d '
"Rufus, remember," began Mrs. Jones u Yes,
I'll remember. 0, I'll never forget it," roared the
Deacon. "There's a bump comin on top of my
head as big as a tea-kettle. Oh. yes" . Just
then Thomas Jefferson moved from his position
and discovered the disturber of the family quiet
following along the wall a few feet behind him.
"Whack ! went the Deacon's bludgeon, breaking
the meat platter upon the stove-hearth. Whack !
thump! whack! The Deacon stopped to get
breath, and wipe the perspiration from his face.
In endeavoring to do so with his shirt sleeve he
filled his eyes with lather. Then he howled.
The rat, according to the Deacon's defective vis
ion, was in twenty places at once, and the church
--pillar began laying about him like a maniac.
Thomas Jefferson, evidently fearing bodily
harm, dashed into the best room or parlor, fol
lowed by the rat, the Deacon in hot pursuit.
Thwack! thump! smash the what-not was re-
I duced to kindling, then the looking-glass suc
"You'lll break everything in the house" ex
! postulated the maternal Jones, frightened at the
wild passes her husband was making.
i "I don't care if 1 smash the Ten Command
' ntents all to thunder," he retorted, as he wiped
! more soap into his eyes, already full of tears. I
J wish every d "
I "Rufus," again interrupted Mrs. J. reprovingly,
j " Rufus, its Sunday."
I I don't care if it is the Milennium, and the day
of Judgment on top of it. I'm goin' to kill that
1 cussed hold on, there it is " and so saying he
i grabbed up the photograph album and hurled it
1 with direful force at the cat just aroused from her
nap in the rocking chair. Down went a vase stand
ing upon the center-table, down went the cat ;
down went Seraphina, struck square between the
I eyes by the heavy volume as it bounced along in
its wild career.
Pussy, recovering first from the unexpected on
slaught, made a dash for liberty, and collided with
Mrs. Jones' skirts. Watch, the house-dog, surrep
titiously admitted by Thomas Jefferson, made a
rear attack upon the petticoats at the same time.
Between the two assaults the portly matron
came to the floor.
"Sick 'em, Watch," yelled the youthful Jones,
and Watch did ''sick 'em." Never did dog more
nobly do his duty. Aiound and around the apart
ment he dashed, pussy in the lead, now here, now
there, now seemingly everywhere all at once.
The Deacon was standing with uplifted club
waiting to get a whack at something, when the dog
ran between his legs and floored him. "Noah's
Ark and the New Jerusalem!" he screamed, and,
gathering himself up, he began hurling everything
movable at cat, Watch, whatever first caught
his sight. Although it is to be regretted, yet truth
requires it to be said, that he swore as never man
"Wh where's that rat," he screamed, as he
hit his hopeful progeny a thump on the head with
the family bible. Thomas Jefferson, like a duti
ful son, wilted. The force of the blow was too
much for him.
Then the Deacon was frightened. He lecame
sobered on the instant. Bending over his offspring
he began an examination of his hurts. In doing
so he detected something clinched tightly in the
boy's hand. It was the rat the cause of all the
disturbance. It was of India-rubber, (such as
can be found in any toy store,) and had a long,
fine black thread attached to its head.
Tom came to directly, but it was a long time
before he opened his eyes. He lay listening to
his father's pious remarks. ,
None of the family, went to church that day,
but a very feeling and forcible sermon was preach- .
ed upon various portions of Thomas Jefferson's
anatomy by his irate parent. Barrel staves were j
in demand at intervals until after nightfall. The '
boy was unable to sit up or down for weeks after
wards, and it was several days before affairs be
gan to move on in the usually peaceful manner.
The subject of rats has been a sore one in that
household ever since, but the Deacon has the solid
satisfaction of knowing that that particular ro
dent was eventually disposed of by him. and is to
this dav deader than Julius Ciesar. "G-rif."
DINING WITH THE TWO-HEADED GIRL.
From the New-York Star.
In response to an invitation from Mr. J. R.
Smith a Star reporter took breakfast with Millie
Christine, the double-headed girl, yesterday morn
ing. This interesting young lady, who possesses
two heads, four arms, four feet, sings duets,
waltzes, polkas, and boasts of several other ac
complishments, has a suite of rooms at No. 51
East Ninth street. When the reporter arrived all
was in readiness for the morning meal. Five per
sons comprised the party. "The weather is ex
ceedingly oppressive," was the greeting of the
right side of the double-headed girl, as she shook
the right hand of the scribe with two of her four
hands. The left side smiled serenely and fanned
itself vigorously with the disengaged hand. There
was a great deal said at table, but the guest was
there for the purpose of taking breakfast with
Millie Christine and omitted to make a note of
the conversation. The Nightingale occupied one
entire side of the table, and while one of her pair
of eyes was intent upon gazing on the well-spread
table, the other pair was looking out of the win
dow with a dreamy expression. Two plates were
well filled with edibles and the work of destruc
tion was begun. One-half of the lady had an
especial fondness for fried chicken and toast,
while the other would partake of" nothing but
porter-house steak and fried potatoes. In the
line of liquids one-half drank iced milk to the
other's coffee, and two napkins were demanded
and freely used. Somehow or other there was
time found for talking toward the close of the
meal, and the Nightingale spoke freely and intel
ligently upon a number of interesting topics. At
times one head would make an assertion which
its companion could not entertain and then an
interesting and animated discussion would fol
low'. Happily these arguments were amicably
adjusted, and breakfast was finished in time for
the double-headed lady to go Bunnell's Museum
for the iniddav exhibition.
The editor sat in his easy chair. His shirt col
lar was unbuttoned, he was wiping the perspira
tion oil his brow, and thinking of a future state
(revised), when the man who borrows exchanges
and ghes him suggestions as to how to run his
i paper came in and said : " Is this hot eno ." The
man said no more until he opened his eyes in the
1 drug store, when he remarked, "I reckon it was."
i Texas Sitings.
A Brooklyn boarding-house keeper has recov
ered 100 from a person who spoke of her place
as a "hash house. Right enough! He should
have known sufficiently to say "grub foundry."
" Go to the ant, thou sluggard," is all very well,
but if the sluggard will go to a picnic the ant will
come to him. Pud".
lie loitered at the festival,
A goblet in his list,
A wishy-washy fluid brimmed
The marge hi.s liplets kissed.
Quoth he: "I wish that I could get
A pair of trousers made
For summer wear as thin as this
"Mectnc" on tte
SCOTT'S ELECTRIC HAIR' BRUSH.
tGtt:T hstva '
never before trivan a '
testimonial, hiif. nm tiHU.
ine to encourage the use '
oi an nonest rpmorfw Tom
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infallible remedy. A. C. Bridsreman.
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TwTSnilih If a gentleman wen known in this
Public Institutions of New Yorfc.
Lift. l-iKO. A SPATT 7lyTf Via. Wlwmf w4a
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Otrr 7,000 similar
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As soon as you receive the Brush, if not well satisfied with your bargain, write us. and we will return the money.
The Proprietors of this Publication know Dr. Scott
uooper ana jfostmaster james or new xonc, as a
- Remittances should be made payable to GEO.
Orders, Currency, or Stamps. Ltbkkat, Discount
HOW TO DO IT,
There are but three ways for a man to revenge
himself of the censure of the world to despise it,
to return the like, or to endeavor to live so as to
avoid; the first of these is usually pretended, the
last is almost impossible, the universal practice
is for the second.
All women, let them be ever so homely, are
pleased to hear themselves celebrated for their
GEORGE IE. LEMON
WASHINGTON, D. C,
Attorney -at-Law and Solicitor of
United States and Foreign
Kstablihd in 18G.1.
CAN I OBTAIN A PATENT?
Send a roiifrh sketch or (if you can) a model of your
invention to George K. Lemon, "Washington, D. C,
and a Preliminary Examination will be made of all
United States Patents of the same class of inventions,
and you will be advised whether or not a patent can be
For this FreUminary Examination Xo Charge is Made.
WHAT WILL A PATENT COST?
If you are advised that your invention is patentable,
send $20, to pay Government application fee of $15, and
$5 for the drawings required by the Government. This
amount is payable when the application is made. This
is all of the expense, unless a patent is allowed. "When
allowed the attorney's fee ($25) and the final Government
fee ($20) is payable.
By these terms you know beforehand, for nothing,
whether you are going to get a patent or not, and no
attorney's fee is charged unless you do get a patent.
An attorney whose fee depends on his success in obtain
ing the patent will not advise you that your invention
is patentable, unless it really is patentable, so far tis his
best judgment can aid in determining the question;
hence, you can rely on the advice given after a prelimi
nary examination is had.
DESIGN PATENTS and the REGISTRATION OF
LABELS and TRADE-MARKS secured.
CAVEATS prepared and filed.
Applications for the REISSUE OF PATENTS care
fully and skillfully prepaied and promptly prosecuted.
Applications in revivor of rejected, abandoned, or for
feited eases made. Very often valuable inventions are
saved in these classes of cases.
If you have undertaken to secure your own patent
and failed, a skillful handling of the ease may lead to
success. Send me a written request addressed to the
Commissioner of Patents that he recognize George E.
Lemon, of Washington, D. C, as your attorney in the
case, giving the title of the invention and about the date
of filing your application. An examination will be made
of the ease, and you will be informed whether or not a
patent can be obtained. This examination and repoit
will cost you nothing.
iNTERKERENfi: Conti:st arising within the Patent
Oflice between two or more rival claimants to the same
subject-matter of invention, attended to.
Appeal Remedies pursued in relief from adverse
Searches made for title to inventions.
Copies ok Patents furnished at the regular Govern
ment rates, (2o cents each, if subsequent to 18G6. Pre
vious patents, not printed, at cost of making copies.)
Copies ok Official. Records furnished.
Opinions rendered as to scope, validity, and infringe
ment of Patents.
In fact, any information relating to Patents and to
property rights in inventions promptly furnished on the
most reasonable terms.
Remember this ollice has been in successful operation
since 180-'), ami you therefore reap the benefits of experi
ence. Addres, with stamp for replv,
GEORGE E LEMON,
WASlflXGTOX, D. C.
An attempt has been made to put so-called " Electro Magnetic" Brushes upon the
have published the company as a fraud. We therefore caution the Public to be
Brush. Ours is not wire, but a pure ortsue urusn.
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$1,000 for m? Brush
PUN Y F. SMITH, 218 Fulton Street. N. Y.
City as a Law Publisher, and also as a Director in several
Head Office "Domestic "Sewing Machine Co., New York.
nAA hn fnottmAnv si-p mi wji stTn sv? flia manif nfliaMwItA
Testimonials can he seen at our office.
I f 'in mm i i
iii I hi 'in wfc " 'i
ffffAW fo. mfIWfmffBmffKBfIMJfi EimsWA
twm. Mr is 'fmfmrriim'fmMiHimiMMnt
A BEAUTIFUL BRUSH. nWHSfts.
It on trial, postpaid, on receipt of f3.00, which
returned if not as represented.
Inclose 10 cents extra and we guarantee safe delivery into yotrr hands; or
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. . Z .1 '. ." r - " - , V
and be sure Dr. Scott's name is on the Box.
ur request your nearest uruggisi or jjancy
IttONEY RETURNED IF NOT AS REPRESENTED.
to be respectable and trustworthy, a Brush has been placed
guarantee or gooa iaitn.
A. SCOTT. Brjadway, JJew York. They can be made
to tub Trade. Agents Wanted in every Town.
Send for a Circular of our Br, Scot f 8 Electric Flesh Brush,
SELF-LOVE AS A MOTIVE.
The motives of the best actions will not bear
too strict an inquiry . It is allowed that the cause
of most actions, good or bad, may be resolved into
the love of oursehes; but the self-love of some
men inclines them to please others, and the self
love of others is wholly employed in pleasing
themselves. This makes the great distinction
between virtue and vice. Keligion is the best
motive of all actions, yet religion is allowed to
be the highest instance of self-love.
HEN" you 2:0 into a Drusr
V V Store and ask for Gin-
g-er' or Jamaica Gin
ger,' vou seldom get the Genuine
Ginger. ALWAYS ASK FOR
or F. BROWN'S
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which will give relief ii t Cramps,
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THE ONLY RELIABLE.
ARKANSAS.AND LOUISIANA, i
A healthful, genial climate; an exceedingly productive
soil, where, with common industry and prudence, a sure ,
and certain competence can be had.
The South -Western Im
migration Co. !
Will mail, on application, free of co,t, potage prepaid, i
books with maps, giving authentic and reliable informa-
tion, in detail, of the State of Texas, Arkansas, or Wes
tern Louisiana. We desire to confer with those wishing
to better their condition and are meditating a change to
a new country. Address i
B. G. DUVAL, Secretary, Austin, Texas.
J. N. VICTOR, Eastern Manager, j
2 13 Broadwa v. New York.
Foreign Office: WM. W. LANG, President,
Leadcnhall House, i
Leadenhall St., London, E. C, England. '
The Gentleman's Monthly!
Is the Only Magazine in the United States devoted to the
Manly Sports. All the Best Writers contribute to its
pages. Articles on the Game Birds and Game Fi-hes; '
Sketches of Doings by Flood and Field; Interesting '
Stories. $2 year. Send Stamp for Sample Copy.
Address THE GENTLEMAN'S MONTHLY,
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THE NATIONAL TRIBUNE,
The Best Eight Page Weekly
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ONLY ONE ri'BLISHKD AT THE NATIONAL CAPITVL
EXCLUSIVELY IN THE INTERESTS OF THE
SOLDIERS AND SAILORS.
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Circle on every page. '
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POEMS, ANECDOTES, &c,
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Address all communications to j
THE NATIONAL TRIBUNE, '
WASHINGTON, D. C. I
market, but the Post-Office authorities at Washington
careful that "Dr. Scott's" name is on the box and
zxuu. u . .c. muusione, is now brought to the notice
should bo used daily in place of the ordinary Hair !
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Makes the Hair grow Long and (xjjssy 1 1
f immediately Soothes the Weary Brain 1 1
Monxy returned if not as represented 1 1
It rarely fails to produce
a rapid growth of hair
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Proprietors: The Pall JlallElectricAssociation
vi.uvuuuu iiewiorKifrancu: uroaawav.
From the Mayor of Saratoga.
"I cheerfully testify to the merits of
JC Dr. Scott's Electric Hair Brush.
' It cures my headaches within a
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W With it I nurchasfid another
ior my wtte. it is an ex
cellent Hair Brush,
jY well worth the price,
L aside from its cu-
will send it
ewre to o-
What can be fairer?
in the hands of Mayor
in Checks, Drafts, Post Office
Answers to Correspondents.
We are obliged to answer certain inquiries of the same
nature in each issue of our paper. While we cheerfully
furnish information to subscribers in this column, we
suggest that much labor, time, and expense may be saved
both to ourselves and to our correspondents if the latter
and other subscribers would keep a file of the paper.
They could then, at any time, turn to the file and proba
bly find the very inquiry answered about which they
would have written to us. We trust that each and every
subscriber will profit by this suggestion.
O. "W. B., Pawling. X. Y. Children, whose lath
ers served in the Revolutionary War, are not entitled,
to pension or land warrant.
F. 3IcM;., Hickory, Md. Children who were
over twenty-one years of age March 3. 1355, are not
entitled to land warrant, unless 1. The father or
mother left a claim pending at date of death. In
such case the children, no matter what their age, can
complete the claim and receive the warrant. 2, Or
unless the soldier died in the Mexican War. In
any event, they have title, to only so much of one
hundred and sixty acres as has not already been
granted for service of soldier. Your claim was prop
erly rejected on account of your having been over
twenty-one years of age March 3, 1S53.
J. W. D., Darlington, Wis. Children are not
entitled to pension on account of their fathers ser
vice in the War of 1S12. nor to any pension that
might have been due to or drawn by a soldier of
that war or his widow.
J. D. S.. St. George, Wis. Your claim for pen
sion on account of the service of your husband in
the War of 1312 was no doubt rejected on account of
your remarriage, and, if so, the decision was correct.
W. C. G., Bellefontaine. O. There is no law
nor appropriation under which a claim for pay for
services rendered in the War of 1312 can be adjudi
cated. L. Y., Sauk Citv, Wis. 1 If your claim for in
crease of pension has been rejected recently, and
your disability bas not materially increased since
the date of your last examination, we do not advise
you to apply again at present. 2. The widow to
whom you refer is entitled to a pension if her hus
band's death was due to a disability which he con
tracted while in the United States service, and in
the line of his duty.
W. J. G., Pin Oak. III. Xo evidence is required
in a claim for increase of pension, unless a new dis
ability is alleged. The claimant has only to file an
application in due form, and be examined by the
surgeon or board of surgeons.
Mrs. G. O.. Davis's Ranch, Wyo. Ter. Pension
claims are not settled in the order of their numbers ;
e. g. : claim number 2,000 may still be pending, while
claim number 300,000 may have been allowed. Much
depends upon the promtitude with which the requis
ite evidence is furnished. Claims are allowed on
every working-day of the year.
"Stonewall," Md. 1. Applications for positions
under the Government are placed on file and ack
nowledged, but there is no likelihood of the appli
cant receiving an appointment unless he have po
litical influence. 2. We do not engage in the business
of securing appointments under the Government"
J. II. II.. Madison, Ixd. Xo bounty has ever been
provided for those who enlisted prior to July IS,
1SG1, for a period of one year.
W, V. S.f Paddy's Mills, Ya. You are not enti
tled to extra pay for driving team in brigade wagon
train, hecause said allowance was discontinued by
Act of Congress of March 3, 1363.
W. B. G If you were regularly employed as a.
nurse in hospital, and have not received your pay,
you may recover same. If you were a detailed sol
dier you are not entitled.
F. K. S., Kenxkbuxkport. Me. You have uo
valid claim on the Government on account of money
and valuables taken from you by the Confederate
C. E. E., Elkhart. Tnd. The Army of the Cum
berland struck tents and advanced on General Bragg
at Murfresboro, December 2(1, 16i2. The fighting
was almost constant until the night of January 3,
1SG3, when Bragg retreated.
Mrs. S. E., Indianapolis, Ind. You are not enti
tled to a pension under present law, because of your
remarriage. If you had filed a claim prior to July
1, 1SS0. you would have been entitled from the date
of you husband's death up to the date of your re
marriage. E. P. J., Eureka, Cal. Xo bounty lias ever been
provided for those who enlisted in home-guard or
ganizations or State militia not mounted, in the
United States service.
tKenuiiuing answers next week.