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THE NATIONAL TEUBUNE: WASHINGTON, I). i. SEPTEMBER 10. 3 SSL
Garfield, our Nation's noblest, son.
Honored for noble deeds well done,
A cruel foe hath laid thee low,
And Life, with faltering, sluggish flow,
Would yield thee up, with faulting breath,
To undeserved, untimely Death!
But rouse thee. Chieftain! rouse and hear!
A Nation calls, thy heart to cheer;
And earnest heart on Heaven call
To hold thee up nor let thee fall.
We fain would prove our love with deeds,
And meet with lavish gifts thy need-.
' With flying feet we quick would go
With willing hands quick help bestow
With tenderest care would ease thy pain,
And bring thee back to life again.
But, while we may no aid bestow,
We call on Heaven to mercy show
To stay the ebbing flood of Life,
Restore thy strength, and quell the strife
Already fought with Death so long
The strife begun by cruel wrong.
Heaven grant thee, Chieftain, brother, friend.
New lease of life, whose fnr-ofl'cnd,
Crowned with the honors of long years,
2Tay help us to forget the tears
That flow to-day, and prove, in pari,
A Nation's sympathizing heart.
C. S. Wesley in Chicago Tribune.
A WOODEN WEDDING.
It lucked about two weeks of the fifth anniver
sary of their marriage. Smith and wife sat in their
log cabin, located in one of the northwestern ter
ritories, looking steadily into the fire burning
brightly upon the hearth and thinking, doubtless,
of society and social events in the " States." At
least Mrs. Smith was, for presently she said, half
by way of interrogation, " we were, married on
the 24th, John, live years ago; why can't we have
4i wooden wedding?"
The Smiths were comfortably well to do, and
as John knew of no reason to the contrary, it was
then and there decided to celebrate the event in
nn appropriate manner. Cards were distributed
by wholesale every person of average respecta
bility got an invitation, for the society ribbon is
aiot closely drawn out in the very far West, and
forthwith dealers in wooden-ware bciran to look
The same town which held the. Smiths also fur
nished a domicile to two old cronies, Jim Morgan
and Tom Gurnev. The former was a general
merchant, and during his ,last trip east had laid
in a stock of some two hundred wooden bowls of
assorted sizes, by far the larger number of which
"were as yet unsold. 'l People didn't seem to want
"'em," he would often remark ; and on occasion he
bad even gone so far as to make kindling of one
or two by way of getting rid of them and helping
along a lazy fire.
About a week before the 24th, Tom, who was a
.young sprout of a mining engineer, entered the
store of his chum, brimming over with fun and
excitement. " I say, Jim," he began, " what'll you
give if I'll sell those bowls for yon ? "
"You'd make a bully salesman you would,"
growled Jim. "None o' your jokes on me."
Tom was in earnest, however, and at length
succeeded in impressing Jim with the fact.
The latter promised to keep a close mouth and
not peach, so the matter was settled.
That same evening Tom stowed the largest
bowl (a perfect giant among bowls, something
like three or four feet across the top) in the back
troom secure from observation, after which he
x:got out of the way.''
Presently, after dark, in came a leading banker.
"I understand you have some wooden bowls
I ahem ! want the very largest one you've got,"
The wooden-ware was selected and paid for
"with dispatch, the purchaser enjoining secresy
on the merchant. " You see," he remarked, "just
a little fun wooden wedding, and I don't want
everybody to know beforehand what I intend to
Before ten o'clock there had been about twenty
sales of a similar kind, each comer had been fullv
satisfied, each thought himself the only pur
chaser. It sometimes happened that two or three per
sons would enter at about the same time. When
such a contingency arose, all but one were cer
tain, within a short time, to get up and saunter
out, casting side glances at the nests of bowls
stacked up in front of the counter at about the
-centre of the large store-room, as they made their
-exit. The one person remaining was sure to
-ask for and get one of the coveted utensils. A
member of the church in good standing carrying
borne a bottle of whiskey, could not possibly have
been more cautious and secret about it than were
the purchasers of the smoothly-turned and hol-lowed-out
basswood blocks. The demand was
perfectly marvelous. Up to the night of the pro
posed ,; blow out," as it was termed in mining
parlance, all but about twenty of the small bowls
3nid been disposed of.
The 24th came at last, and soon after dark Tom
and Jim, rigged out in their best, the former
wearing his bowl perched upon kis head like a
gigantic helmet, proceeded to the Smith mansion,
.at which, as it was their intention to do, they
were the first to arrive. Of course they were
'welcomed cordially. Tom placed his offering in
;the centre of the room, and the two sat down to
gossip with their host and hostess, and await com
In thecourseof half an hour there wasa knock at
the door which, being opened, revealed the portly
form of the leading banker, who bore his bowl
before him shield-wise. He was accompanied by
Siis wife, and appeared slightly crest-fallen at be
holding a si nilar though larger object in advance
of .his own gift.
Jie made no remark. howecr, but simply
glanced meaningly at Tom while depositing his
bowl -within the other.
The arrivals now became frequent. The wooden
structure grew rapidly. As guest after guest
came, his or her burden was assigned lo the ;'top
of the pile." which threatened to more than reach
The Smiths were becoming absolutely alarmed :
.and half the female guests were in hysterics.
What in the world could he done with such an
array of timber?
Tom suggested that the larger ones be nxed us
.cradles or hunks for the children, of which there
were several, but met with no encouraging smile
in return. It was becoming too serious a matter
to be made tin subject of a joke.
IJut if the host and his good wife were dis
played ai theavalaueh of fxw!s, the later-coming
guests were thunderst ruck paralyzed speech
less, as one after another entered and beheld Mich
an accretion of the turner's art.
It. was a study to see their faces when they
caught the first glimpse of the pyramids, (there
were two of them before the evening was half
spent), as they peered in through the partly
opened door to reconnoitre the situation before
stepping upon the scene. Some hesitated about
entering at all. Something like a dozen sent
their presents rolling down the hill, and made
proper excuses for not bringing some testimonial
of their regard.
Everybody, upon entering, would first look at
the bowls, and f hen glance savagely at Tom, who,
meantime, sat, seemingly, sweetly unconscious of
F.y ten o'clock all the guests had arrived so
had all the wooden bowls one hundred and
forty-six of them !
The festivities then began. There was some
restraint at first, but the wine and other good
things soon set till tongues wagging, and the
wooden wedding became an assured success. An
interchange of views among those present soon
developed the fact that Tom was responsible for
the "umuiimousness," as they expressed it, of the
gifts. He had spoken privately to every person
he met suggesting a bowl as a good joke "ha!
ha! get the largest, you know" he would remark
"keep it dark, so no one else can follow suit
ixood thing I'm mum" and his advice had been
followed to the extent already shown.
Everybody eventually admitted that it was a
jolly good sell, and a double one at that. Tom
had sold the bowls and the people too. There
after, and that was his only cause for complaint,
he was called "Old Bowls." If you ever come
across him, ask him, and he will tell you we have
stated nothing but the truth. Grif.
An attempt has been made to vut so-called " Electro Magnetic" Brushes vpon the inarlcet, but the Post-Office authorities at Washington
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a t rri
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HE WOULDN'T STOP.
A correspondent of the Philadelphia Times
tells how at the battle of Spottsylvania a neigh
boring fanner, MeCool, bachelor, with his two
maiden sisters, went into the cellar, and there
one of them, Miss Millie, sitting by the side of
her sick sister, Avrote the following note :
Grant, General, Sir : I desire that you stop
this nasty- fighting. There is a sick lady in the
house. Mildred McCool.
"And would you believe it!" Miss Millie was
wont to exclaim in chats with her neighbors
many a year thereafter, "and would you really
believe it!" the Yankee General wasn't gentle
man enough to grant a lady's request." One
morning, two days afterwards, it was so quiet
that the occupants of the cellar concluded that
the storm had swept, over, and Farmer McCool
cautiously thrust his head up from below. A
Union soldier who saw the head grabbed it and
the old man ducked down, leaving his Avig in
possession of the laughing shapshooters.
SUM NATRAL HISTORY,
1JY JOSH BILLINGS.
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year SlllCe. CCimmanpcul fnTKnrr of
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nair has raatlo if.s n.-nTnrannj nnJfo annul
to that which T had m-ovimia tn ifa -fniUnrp
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Bed-Bugs. I have never seen ennybody yet
but what despised bed-bugs. They are the mean
est of all crawling, creeping, hopping or biting
They dozen t tackle a man bi dalite. but sneak
in after dark, and chaw him while he iz fast
A musketeer will fight you in broad dalite, at
short range, and give you a fair chance to knock
in his sides the ilea iz a game bug, and will make
a dash at you even in broadway but the bed-bug
is a garroter who waits till you strip, and picks
out a mellow place to eat you.
If I waz in the habit ov swearing, 1 wouldn't
hesitate to cuss a bed-bug right to his face.
Bed-bugs are uncommon smart in a small way;
one pair ov them will stock a hair mattress in 2
weeks with bugs enuff to hist a small family a
It don't do enny good to pray when bed-bugs
are in season: the only way to get rid ov them iz
to bile up the whole bed in aquafortis, and then
heave it away and buy a new one.
Bed-bugs, when they have grone, and they in
tend to, are about the size ov a blue jay's eye and
have a brown complexion, and when they start
out garrotting are az thin az a grease spot, but
when they get thru garroting they are swelled up
like a blister.
It rakes them '?. day to get the swelling out ov
If bed-bugs hae enny destiny to fill il must
be their stummucks. but it seems to me that they
must have been made by accident, just as slivers
are, to stick into someboddy.
If they waz got up for sum wise purpose they
must have took the wrong road, for thare kant be
enny wisdom In chawing a man all nite long and
raising a family besides to follow the same trade.
If there iz sum wisdom in all this. I hope the
bed-bugs will chaw them folks who can see it,
and leave me be. bekause am one of the heri
ticks. THE NATIONAL TRIBUNE.
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Send a rough sketch or (if you can) a model of your
invention to Geokge E. Lemon, Washington, D. C.
and a PKi:i.nirNAiiv Examination will be made of all
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GEORGE E. LEMON, l
WASHINGTON, I. C.
Tho present po.st-ottiee address of the following
persons are required by subscribers to The Nation
al Tribune. Any one sole to give information
touching their whereabouts will confer a favor bv
, corroapondintr with us.
1 Col. Kippard, 104th Pa.
2 Dan. 31. Loughlin, 104th Pa. (Wounded at
Cedar Creek, Vs..)
' '.i Any officer or member of Co. A. 27th Mich.
Any officer or private, Co. B. 39th III. Vols.
5. Any member of Co. 1) or K. 20th X. V. Caw. or
D or K, STith X. V. Inf V.
( Any officer or member of Co. A. 2d 3Iieh. Caw
7 Dr. V;u. Hornbrook, surgeon, 42d Ills.
8 Walter, Winnie, and Henrv Holdridge. Co. K.
20th N. Y. Caw
fl Capt. Enoch W. Rlaisdell. or other officer of Co.
D, 77th Ohio.
10 John Diehl and Audy McMillan. East Teun..
Chas. Wynne, ooth Ills., all of hospital No. ".
Nashville, Tenn., in May, 1863: also Surgeon
W. G. Scott, who took charge of said hospital.
May 27. 1S63: also of the Kilso brothers, of
Peoria, 111. cooks in No. b Bowling Green
10 Victor A. Smith, Lieut. Co. Iv. 13th N. Y. H. A.
11 Thomas Green, during the war in a Wisconsin
regiment; formerly lived in Vermont. If
dead, time and place of death.
12 Surgeon N. A. Webber, formerly of Detroit, Midi.
13 Surgeon August Wilbar, and Surgeon William
Watts, or any of the men of Co. I), 5th III. Caw
1 1 Job Wilher. Co. A, 2J)th Mich., formerly oFTJniou
ville. Tuscola Co.. Mich.
$:: Remaining answers next week.
In th. early settlement of Marietta, Q:u when
a log cabin in the middle of a square anwered
for a court-house, no jail had ever been built.
During a season of court a noisy, rude fellow
kept disturbing the court, when Judge Hiram
Warner ordered the sheriff to arrest hint and
put him in jail. The sheriff answered: "We
have no jail." The judge replied: "Take him
out to the fence and put his neck between two
rails for three hours.' The sheriff did as ordered,
put the prisoners neck between two fence-mils,
and then got up and sat on the fence. After some
time the judge inquired for the sheriff He was
told that he was out guarding the prisoner. The
judge smiled, but never interfered, and the pris
oner for three long hous remained yoked by
fence-rails. Sunday (X. F- Times.
Presumption is a ladder which will break thc
Sing a song sixpence, pocket full of money,
Kour and twenty little boys hunting after honey;
The bees began to stingand the boys Iwgan to sing
Dog-gon the blasted bumble-bee, the dundcr-ueadoU
FOK SALE JJV ALL UOOKSKLLKKS.
J. l. LIPP1NCOTT & CO., Publishers
KTSA.S .NJy LOUIS
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Texti? ArtSS 5? wS'tcra LouiBlana. Th.e meditating a change to a new country, please addre
J. N. VICTOR, Eastern Manager, 243 Broadway, New York. B. IWIXI, Scc'y, .Austin, Tox.
Jforeiyn ojjice :WJl. W. LA SO, Pres., Lemlenkall House. LeaawittaU Street, London E. C., Etvj.