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title: 'The Sunday herald and weekly national intelligencer. (Washington [D.C.]) 1887-1896, August 02, 1891, Page 7, Image 7',
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THE SUNDAY JHERAJUD. AUGUST 2, 1891.
kl i il
tPHB TANDEM BUSSfcSAW.
Hy Wooilyurd KliuUlnc.
I had attained great literary fame. Lou
don WflB crazy about mo. Andrew Lang
and other groat guns of literature said I was
divine aud I admitted it myself. But great
ness has its drawbacks. My hats began to
be too email for mo and hats cost ten aud
six iu Loudon, you know. In talking about
myself to society I had used up halt my left
lung, and in blowing my horn goncrally I had
blown out my right ono. 1 begau to think I
would blow out the gas when I discovered a
mind r6ador, who dabbled in Christian scieucoi
Ho told mo to go to America, bury myself iu
the far West, eat cows' lungs for luncheon
and 1 would soon bo myself again. I took a
gripsack and a steamer for New York, travel
ed incog., i. c, third-class, and lauding, took
the fast freight for Arlzoua. I got off at tho
picturesque little town of Printer's Towel and
put up at tho Galley Hotel, and I thought, how
very like northern Slndo this place is.
For two days I breathed in the alkali air
of Printer's Towel and dawdled on tho piazza;
my lungs growing constantly. The natives of
the town were awful; they did not know mo'
and had nover heard of me. I called on tho
editor of the Printer's Towel Bronco, who.
invited mo to sit down on a keg of nails while
ho set up this personal : "Colonel Woodyard
Kindling, British tenderfoot, is vlsltlntr our
city looking for lungs and good mining secur
ities, lie ain't much to look at, but he's a
dandy at tho bar of tho Galley, and he invites
the boys to come and seo him."
That personal did the business. It solved
a mystery I had long wished to dissipate,
and it gave mo tho key to what Is really tkc
Finest Story in tho World, when there are no
others. But I anticipate, and I must dis
semble. CHAPTER II.
That night I sat on tho piazza, with my feet
unfolded to the landscape, gazing languidly
at the Sierras and smoking a Trinchl nopoly
cigar, which, by the way, Is meaner, If possi
ble, than some of the opinions of America I
have expressed. But let that pass.
Suddenly out of tho gloaming rose i tall
man, with red whiskers aud an awful breath,
whoso body had a queer lurch in it about mid
way in tho trunk. How familiar that breath
Ava6l Who was he? What did it mean ? The
man gazed at mo with eyes filled with melan
choly, and tho hot winds that came across tho
plain moaned through his scarlet Galways.
Suddenly my memory cleared. I started up, a
blush of recognition passed betwoen us, we
grasped hands as I gasped, "Morrowby Jukes,
"Yes!" ho said, "Morrowby Jukes, it are."
"The man," I said joyously, "who gave me
fame. That crow 6tory I told of you made
"Yes," ho sighed, "and it drove me to
drink. But it's a long story, Kindling, my
boy, a long story."
My literary instincts were awake at once.
If I could only hypnotize Jukes I could get
the finest story in tho world and return to
England with new lungs and another hot yarn
of Morrowby. But ho would not mesmerize;
he Increased his breath and after a space he
spoke. The thermometer was now 159 in the
shade, aud as it brought back memories of dear
old India, Jukes was melted into telling his
"After you wrote that story about me liv
ing in a sand hole for three days on crow I had
to resign tho service and take to drink. I
went to Arrackapore in the Himalayas and
took service with the Ranee. She wa6 a lady
of fifty summers and would have been beauti
ful had she paid strict attention to her ab
lutions, and had two straight eyes. She fell
dead in lovo with me at once; It was my
whiskers did it. Sho used to give me a lac of
rupees to kiss her and made me general of the
army. Finally she wanted to marry me, but
I held off, for I still dreamed of Sally Gibbs,
the daughter of tho commissioner of Dooley
bang. Tho moro I thought of Sally tho less I
liked the Ranee and 1 finally gave her tho mit
ten. She was hot around tho Oriental celluloid
collar and while her eyes blazed, she said
never a word.
"Three nights later I lay in my bungalow
drinking brandy pawnees and trying to keep
cool in my pajamas. It was just 400 in the
shade, for I looked at my watch. About mid
night I fell asleep and woke to find myself a
captive in the hands of Soubada and ten
privates of tho army. Tho Ranee pointed
them to lead mo away, and I was marched out
in tho back yard between tho royal hen house
and tho wood pile and led up to the tandem
buzzsaw. I shuddered. The saw was the
method of execution In Arrackapore and, I
know 1 was to bo cut in two.- I concentrated
my mind on my legs, for I learned theosophy,
knowing that in that lay my onlyhopo of
escape. I will not string tho story out. Let
It suffice to say that I was laid on aboard,
with a man holding my head and another my
legs. Thou 1 hoard tho bizz-z-z of the saw, I
was moved forward and tho two saws in tan
dem passed through me, cutting mo square in
"Having concentrated my mind on my legs
they were imbued with life. The upper part
of ray body fell on my hands and I stood
Lead down to escape bleeding to death. My
legs rushed away toward tho residency, while
the Ranee aud her slaves lied madly away.
My legs went to Br. Sawyer'B compound and
kicked the door down. The minute the
doctor saw my legs, ho recognized them and
knew something was wrong. He crabbed
his kit and followed tho fiylng legs to the
palace yard, where ho found my trunk stand
ing on my hands. Ho grasped the situation
at once and hastily stitched the body to the
legs aud bound tho two together with strong
sticking plaster. I was saved; but 1 had a
queer feeling lu ray stomach,
"After that I had to leave India for a cooler
climate, for tho boat was constantly melting
tho sticking plaster and my legs were always
sagging, until my body obtained the lopsided
appearance you notice, Sally Gibbs married
a Parsee with a milllou aud I started for Cali
fornia via Japan. I kuow a man who had
lived on crow could make his mark in America
in politics. I found California too cool for me
and I came to Printer's Towel, where I am an
alderman. I have to ho careful or I will fall
apart, aud I wear a cynch of canvas and paste
all the time. I do liot fear'heat as much as L
do water; honco I never wash. If over I take
a bath I am a goner."
Morrowby Jukes stopped speaking and
tears stood In his eyes. A groat sob shook
his leonine frame as he reached for tho bottle.
I squeezed his hand and thou tho bottle, but
it was empty.
Suddenly a report like a cannon burst upon
tho night air aud wo jumped to our feet.
"What is that?" wo exclaimed together.
Tho editor of tho Bronco rushed down stairs
on tile piazza lu his undershirt and exclaimed
sternly, "It is a scoop for tho Bronco. The
dam iu Dead Mule canon is busted."
He had hardly spoken when a rush of waters
confirmed htm and tho piazza was Hooded.
Higher and higher It rose and Morrowby
Jukes said quietly, "My time has come."
Taking a pair of scissors from his pocket ho
clipped off hi8red whiskers and handed them
to me. "Send them to Sally," ho said. I
clung to a pillar of tho piazza as tho waters
rose above our waists. A straugo expression
camo over the face of Jukes as ho whispered
huskily, "Tho cynch Is melting, old man.
Good-byo." Ho held out his hand, shook mo
feebly, and then to my horror his body sepa
rated, the upper portion fioatlng away lu
Next day the Hood subsided and tho com
munity buried tho legs of Morrowby Jukes
with military honors und the Bronco gave him
a remarkable send off. But no ono but my
solf knew of the awful mystery of tho tandem
buzzsaw or tho terrible secret carried around
for years by Morrowby Jukes. I shook the
dust of Printer's Towel oft my feet aud
started back to England with now lungs and
a now story.
A MESOZOIC NIGHTMARE.
What Comes of Rtmdlng Heavy Scientific
Works in IMidtmmraer. '
Now Orleans Picayune.
How one's thoughts ramble over the wide
fields of knowledge my eyes grow heavy,
the book feel from my hands, I blow out the
light and turned over for a comfortable nap.
1 was no longer in ttio carbontierous torests
wherethe vegetattou grow rank and donse.
Tho towering ferns were the same, conifers
and calamities still recalled the coal pro
ducing period, but my leplodendra and
slglllarlaj were gone, cycada were everywhere
with their umbrella-shapod tops drooping
I was alone in the Trlassic and Jurassic,
aud crept through the dense undergrowth
like some unprotected thing, for nature had
given me no weapons of self-defense. I was
at tho mercy of the huge reptiles that took
the Mesozoic Ago by storm. Timidly I moved
like a microlestes and sneaked Into existence
before my time perhaps a promiso of some
What fear paralyzed every faculty of my be
ing? The sky was darkened by llylng
monsters whoso immense batlike' wings
measured fully twenty-five feet from tip to
tip such roaring, rushing clouds of animated
life, now crawling like batB, now darting
through space, exacting tribute by force of
tooth, claw, and wing.
The terrible laelaps. the giant kangaroos,
threw their huge bodies forward by tremen
dous leaps to crush me like some puny worm.
Tho ichthyosaurs paddled shoreward and ad
justed the lenses of their saucor-shaped eyes,
while they snapped their hungry jaws in a
very uncomfortable manner.
The megalosaurs, giant lizards, crushed tho
teeming life of the vegetable world, with
bodies plated and armored with scales as
large as a bushel measure always reflecting
in the sunlight a hundred goreeous rainbows
tho fish-llko covering was as formidable as the
steel on an armor-plated ship of war.
I became a capital prize in tho lottery of
existence, a doux bouchee for these monsters,
that wished to flavor tho ta6to of. reptilian
types by the addition of a little mammalian
sauce. I. made so many narrow escapes my
good fortune made mo reckless. I wandered
too far from my secure retreat.
I was pinioned to tho earth by a strange
force, stronger than the force of gravity. I
could not move, but stared in helpless agony
at tho terrific monster that darkened tho air
above mo. Its logs seemed as tall as tho Eiffel
tower, and worked on jointed sections in a
vertical direction. It lowered its colossal
body and complacently eyed me, while two
gigantic antennas liko fans sawed the air and
produced a disturbance of tho elements.
I imagined a look of contempt hovered In
the facets of its protruding eyes. I evon ima
gined tho horrible thing winked at me. Of
this I could not bo certain, for I could not
discover tho presence of any nictating mem
brane. Perhaps it waB debating my insigni
ficant size was an olivo to whet tho appetite of
this bon vivant. I shuddered. A long tube
slowly descended. At first I thoucht it was
tho neck of some stray waterspout. I found
to my horror that it was a peculiar mechani
It inclosed lancets and saws with reverted
edges. I gave a groat scream of agony the
spear-shaped lancet pierced my side ah i such
harrowing feelings as the rentless saw lacerated
tho flesh to Increase the flow of blood. I
heard the valves of a great pump glide
smoothly up and down allmy blood was as
sending in a steady stream I watched tho
corpuscles roll over each othor like so many
I know not how long I remained in this sus
pended state of animation then tho thought
camo to mo that life could exist without cir
culation or blood. These scientific reflections
had only an ephemeral duration a fearful,
awful sound reverboratcd through the depths
of space another fright seized me perhaps
some mesozoic monster more dreadful than
the last was going to place all that was left of
me In ono corner of Its bicuspid or molar.
The sound was unearthly I never knew
how, or why, the hair stood straight on my
head and gently elevated my cranium from
tho Blowly forming humus. Tho heavens
seemed to tremble as the trumpet notes climb
ed with a rasping sound to shriller screams.
I actually felt relieved for "rumor 6tated"
that Gabriel's trumpet had been 6tolen aud
there would bo no resurrection of tho dead
I even welcomed the final day of judgment as
a relief. It 1b true that I felt rather ashamed
to rise with not an ounce of blood in my body,
I seemed so transparent in the heavenly light.
I was just preparing to make my best bow
when the trumpet must have been struck with
dynamlto for it gave one unearthly irrowl
that must have come from tho lowest depths
of Tartarus. I awoke with a start and looked
wildly around it was Joues' Lake Charles
sawmill whistle calling tho bauds from refresh
ment to labor, Tho terrible monster was a
BROWN'S IRON BITTERS
Cures Dyspepsia, In
digestion & Debility.
A FORTUNATE OHIIjD.
How Junius Freeman Clark's Wise Father
Queries Magazine. .
Wo find in James Freeman Clarke's newly
issued autobiography 6ome very suggestive
hints In regard to early education. The
idea that education must, perforce, bo some
thing disagreeable and difficult is so rooted
in most minds that opinions aud experiences
liko those found in tho "Life" referred to
strike us with tho force of originality. And
yet they are tho very ideas and experiences
of tho great mbther and teacher, Nature
whom wo pretend to respect, but whose ex
ample and precepts we flout at every turn.
After all what Is originality but going back
to Nature? There is inherent in Nature,
that is in the universal, a certain fund of
ideas, lie who avails himself of these, or
ono of these, or oven a hint of one, is to
It appears that Dr. Clarke's maternal
grandfather, Dr. Freeman, had what would
be called "original" ideas of education,
that is, ho had eves to seo the natural and
true method. This was immense good for
tune to tho boy, James Freeman, Inasmuch
as ho was his grandfather's pupil, and learned
a great deal before he waB ten years old
without suspecting that bo was having any
thing but "a jolly good time."
One of Dr. Breeman's Ideas ho expressed
as follows : "Real discipline comes to tho
mind when it acts, not languidly, but with
Its full energy, and It acts with energy only
when it is interested in what it docs. There
fore as soon as I am unable to keep up their
interest In what they do, I turn their at
tention to something else or send them out
Tho" grandson's testimony is: "no romov
cd all unnecessary difficulties, and required
us to loam only what was essential. :
i'ho moro important Latin words wo"
learned by heart from a vocabulary, and the
more important Greek words from a small
book called Greek Primitives. Thus provided
wo began immediately to translate some
Interesting story in Nepos or Ovid. When wo
came to a word wo did not understand, he
would tell us the word, but required us to re
peat it again and again till ho was 6uro we re
membered it. To those who thought that this
method made study too easy and that it did
not discipline tho mind, he answered: 'The
study of a foreltm language can never be
made too easy. There are always difficulties
enough in the way. But what mental dis
cipline is there in turning over the pages of a
dictionary ?' The pupil goes on to say: Bo
fore I was ten years old Iliad read a good deal
of Ovid, some Odes of Horace, a little of
Virgil, tho Gospel of Matthew in Greek, and
had gone as far as cubic equations In
algebra. I had also read through a
history of the United States, Hume's
England, Robertson's Scotland Fergu
son's and Gibbon's Rome. Nor was
I aware that I was doing a great deal, for
tho study was almost as entertaining as play.
Problems in arithmetic and algeora were
treated as a kind of game." Happy boy I
Would that Dr. Freeman's tribe might in
crease I Tho rare sense that shows us tho
natural and successful method is called "com
mon sense," the "rarest thing in the world"
Henry Ward Beecher used to say. This com
mon sense applied in the household with our
girls, and boys, too, would result blessedly.
All sorts of work might be done "In play"
and the children not be "aware" that they
were "doing a great deal." The first expres
sion of a healthy human being is activity. As
tho child grows the activity becomes more
complex. All the parent and teacher has to
do is to direct this force, Nature does the rest.
"Why do you refuse to associate with me?"
"Because you are a puppy, and 1 do not desire
to havo my good manners cur-rupted."
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MANUFACTURING JEWELERS, EN
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School Medals and Badges a specialty.
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AN INFATiTiTIlIiE ItKIHFTIV
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How Lost! How Regained,
THE SCIENCE OF LIFE
A Scientific and Standard Popular Medical Treatise
on the Errors of Youth,Prematuro Decline, Ncrvon
auu x njBicai uuuuuy, impurities 01 ino inooa.
Resulting from Folly, Vlco, Ignorance, Excesses oi
Overtaxation, Enervating and unliii nu tho victim
for Work, Business, tho Married or Social Relation.
Avoid unskillful pretenders. Possess this great
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distinguished author, Wm. II. Parker, M. D., re
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GRANDFATHER'S REMEDIES COMPANY, Washington, D. C. All DrugglSta. '
GREAT PENNSYLVANIA ROUTE
TO THE NORTH, WEST, AND SOUTH
WEST DOUULE TRACK, STEEL RAILS, SPLEN
DID SCENERY, MAQNIF1CENT
- IN EFFECT JULY 19, 1891.
Trains leave Washington from Station cornor
of Sixth and li streets as follows:
For Pittsburg and tho West, Chicago Lim
ited Express of Pullman Vestibule Cars at
10.50 A. M. dally. Fast Line, 10.50 A. M. dally
to Chicago, Columbus, and St. Louis, with
Parlor Car llarrisburg to Pittsburg and Sleep
ing Cars from Pittsburg to Indianapolis, Pitts
burg to Columbus, Altoona to Chicago. St.
Louis aud Cincinnati Express, 4.30 P. M.
daily; Parlor Car Washington to llarrisburg
and Sleeping Cars llarrisburg to St. Louis,
Chicago, and Cincinnati and Dining Car llar
risburg to St. Louis, Chicago, and Cincinnati.
Western Express, at 7.40 P. M. daily, with
Sleeping Cars Washington to Chicago and St.
Louis, connecting dally at llarrisburg with
through Sleepers for Louisville and Memphis:
Pullman Dining Car Pittsburg to Richmond
and Ciiicago. Pacific Express, 10 P. M. daily
for Pittsburg and tho West, with through
Sleeper to Pittsburg and Pittsburg to Chicago.
BALTIMORE AND POTOMAC RAILROAD..
For Kane, Canandaigua. Rochester, nna
Niagara Falls, dally except Sunday, S.10 A. M. .
For Erie, Canandaigua, and Rochester, daily; ;
for Buffalo and Niagara, dally except Satur
day, 10.00 P. M., with Sleeping Car Washing-..
ton to Rochester.
For Williamsport, Rochester, and Niagara,.
Falls, 7.40 P. M. dally except Saturday, with
Sleeping Car Washington to Rochester.
For Williamsport, Rcnova, and Elmlra, at
10.50 A. M. daily except Sunday.
x'or vmiamspori;, daily, 4.30 r. M.
and the Eastj-,
.15, 2.10, 3.15,-
O finnnil 11 A Ar lO tK n in o ik . nn irt nn -Ji
11.35 P. M. Limited Express of Pullman Par
lor Cars, with Dining Car to New York, 9.40
A. M. daily except Sunday.
For New Yom only, Limited Express, with
Dining Car from Baltimore, '1.00 P. M. daily.
For Philadelphia only. Fast Express, 8.10 A.
M. week days and 3.45 P. .M. daily. Accom
modation, 5.00 A. M. daily. Express, 5.40 P.
For Boston without change, 3.15 P. M. every
For Brooklyn, N. Y., all through trains con
nect at Jersey City with boats of Brooklyn An
nex, affording direct transfer to Fulton street,
avoiding double ferriage across New York City.
For Atlantic City, U40, 11.00 A. M., 12.15
P. M. week days, 11.85 P. M. daily.
For Baltimore, 5.00,6.35, 7.20, 8.10, 9.00, 9.40,
10.00, 10.50, 11.00, and 11.50 A. M.. 12.15, 2.10
3.15, 3.45, 4.00, 4.20, 4.30, 4.36, 5.40, 6.14, 7.40,
10.00,, 11.15 and 11.35 P. M. On Sundav, 5.00,
9.00, 9.05, 10.50, 11.00 A. M., 12.15, 1.00 2.10
8.15, 3.30, 3.45. 4.00, 4.20, 4:80, 5.40 6.14 7.40
10.00, and 11.35 P. M.
For Pope's Creek Line, 7.20 A. M. and 4.30
P. M. daily except Sunday.
For Annapolis. 7.20 and 9.00 A. M., 11.50
and 4.20 P. M. daily except Sunday. Sundays,
9.00 A. M. and 4.20 P. M.
WASHINGTON SOUTHERN RAILWAY,
IN EFFECT JUNE 7, 1891.
For Alexandria, 4.30, 0.35, 7.45, 8:40, 9.45.
and 10.47 A. M.. 12.01 noon, 1:00, 2.10, -3.30,
4.25, 5.07, 5.37, 0.15, 8.02, 10.05, aud 11.39 P. M.
. On Sunday, at 4.80, 7.45, 9.45, and 10.47 A. M.,
1.00, 2.43, 0.15, 8.02, and 10.05 P. M.
Accommodation for Quantico, 7.45 A. M.
For Richmond and the South, 4.30 and 10.57
A. M. daily. 5.07 P. M. week days.
Trains leave Alexandria for Washington,
6.05, 7.05, 8.00, 9.10, 10.15, 11.17, and 11.44
A. M., 1.20, 2.06, 3.00, 8.50, 5.05, 5.45, 6.18,
7.05, 9.20, 10.50, and 11.08 P. M. On Sunday!
at 9.10, 10.15, 11.17, aud 11.44 A.M., 2.06.
5.05, 7.05, 7.40, 9.20, and 10.50 P. M.
Tickets and information at the office, north
east corner Thirteenth street and Pennsylva
nia avenue, and at tho station, where orders
can be left for tho checking of baggage to deu
tlnation from hotels and residences. "
CHARLES E. PUGH, General Manager.
J. R. WOOD. General Passenger Agent.
BALTIMORE & OHIO RAILROAD.
Schedule in Effect MAY 10, 1891.
Leave "Washington from Station corner of New
Jersey avenue and C street:
For Chicago and Northwest, Vestibuled Lim
ited Express trains 11.80 A. M., 8.30 P.M.,
For Cincinnati, St. Louis, and Indianapolis,
Vestibule Limited, 8:80, Express 11:80 P. M.
For PittBburg and Cleveland, Express daily,
9.80 A. M. and 8.45 P. M.
For Lexington and Staunton flO.40 A. M.
For Winchester and Way Stations, t5.30 P.M.
For Luray, 3.30 8.45 P. M.
For Roanoke. Knoxville, Chattanoosa, and
Memphis, 10:00 P. M., dally; Sleeping Car
through to Memphis.
For Baltimore, week davs. 4.05. 5.00. n.a.
nA - A n V . i 'n ' -,
minutcs.) 5.80, 5.35 0.20, 6.25, 7.80, 8.30, 9.00,
10.00, li'SO, and 11.85 P. M. Sundays, 4.05
7.30, (8.00,45-minutes,) 8.80,9,80,(10.00, 45
mlnutes.) 11.55 A. M., 1.00, 2.05, 2.45, 8.25,
4.31, 4.55, (5.10, 45-mlnutes,) 6.2Q 0.25 7,80'
8.30, 9.00, 11.80, and 11.35 P.M.
For Annapolis, 7.20 and 8.30 A. M., 12.10
and 4.28 P. M. Sundays, 8.80 A. M. and 4.31
For Frederick, flL3Q A. M., 31.15, t3.30,
and-f-4.80P. M. ' K ' '
For Ilagerstown, flO.40 A. M. aud t5,30 P.M.
ROYAL BLUE LINE FOR NEW YORK
. AND PHILADELPHIA,
Mot Philadelphia, Now York, Boston, and
Mh i East, dally, 4.05, 8.00, (10.00, Dining Car.)
FlI.liK A. XT.. 9 4K Kin Ytl..!.... n a an'
(11.80 P. M; Sleeping Car, open at 10 o'clock.)
Buffet Parlor Cars on all day trains,
For Boston, 3.45 P, M., with Pullman Buf
fet Sleoplng Car running through to Boston
without change via Pougukeepsie Bridge, land
ing passengers in B. & M. Station at Boston.
For Atlantic City, 4.05. 10.00, aud 11.55 A. M.
Sundays, 4.05 and 11.55 A. M.
For time of suburban trains seo time tablea
to bo bad of all ticket agents.
tExcept Sunday. DaiIy. Sunday only.
Baggage called for and-checked front hotels
and residences by Union Transfer Co. on or
ders left at Ticket Offices, 019 and 1851 Penn
sylvania avenue, and at Depot.
J. T. ODELL, CHAS. O.JSCULL,
Gen'l Manager. Gen'l Pass, Ag't.
jui i. liiiuucipma, j.ncw lorK,
i.-m, v.w, ana n.oo A. M 12
4.20. 10.00. and 11.!??; V. Tr
su, .ou. io.uu. o-mmmes. i b.bu. u.hu. riu.iHi.
-minutes.) 11.55 A. M.. 12.10. 2.05. 2.45. (8.1K.
minutea.l 8.25. 4.2fl. 4.H1. A.KK. K in AK.