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wntlen, and graphic withal; the
sketch of Sir J tunes llannen with his
look of dry comicality and gonial
manners, being especially life-like.
But we put it to our readers whether
we could give inseition to a con
fession by proxy that we once
but thorc, we cannot even mention
the shocking situation in which we
were portrayed by this heedless scrib
bler. And the picture of us sup
porting a sobbing some one in West
minster Hal), after the case had been
given against the respondent and co
respondent, is libellous distinctly
libellous and fraught with mischief.
Why could not our contributor have
written " I " instead of " we " ?
Very probably, he may have sup
ported a sobbing some one in West
minster Hall, " amid a ring of sym
pathetic attorneys;" we can evn
iimigine'that he " looked as if he tlid
not know what to do with his fair
burden." Under the circumstances
mentioned, few men would know
what to do with a distressful dame;
it would be unmanly to drop her, and
et, if that was not done she might
cling for ever, like the ivy to the oak,
or impecunious chums of a man who
has come into a foi tune. Even this
piece of libellous portraiture, how
ever, is preferable to that which
comes to us signed " Diuna Forget."
As a rule, people who do not forget,
:ire a nuisance, and this writer forms
no exception. " When we were young
and innocent, it was our playful
practice to attend public executions.
It was an eccentricity, perhaps, but
the bracing effect .pro luced on our
nerves by these spectacles, operated
beneficially in after life." Nothing
of the sort ; we never had any taste
for such eights, and we decline to
admit ih.it our youth and innocence
deserve to be spoken of in the past
tense. Another of our persecutors,
in an esay dealing with novels and
novel writers, begins " It is a long
timis since we put in the hands of the
printer, our first fiction, and well do
we remember the fluttering of spirit
and oscillations of nerves which were
our lot until that book came out and
was slaughtered by the critics."
Upon which piece of defamation, we
would simply roniark that our first
novel was an immense success; so
much ro, indeed, that we have never
published another for fear of lower
ing the prestige which we then won.
As for the unseemly fellow who in a
contemptible effusion about bars and
barmaids, wiites "few happier mo
ments arc ours, than those passed in
the Bayadere ltcstauiant, imbibiug
the amber beers of Fatherland, and
g.izing our till at Venus on a pound
a week" as for this wretched
spoiler of good paper, we can only
.ay that it is not our habit to fre
quent such establishments as the
Bayadere. Nor do we believe oyer
much in " Venus on a pound a week."
To use that artless damsel's own
graphic language "she know her
book," and no one. is better able to
look after Number On In the fore
going extracts, wc have given only a
few samples of the confessions which
arc sought to be put into our mouth.
We now have before ua others ac
knowledging to far blacker turpitude,
bill we think our specimens will be
considered sutltcicnt to justify our
revolt against the perpetrators of
such enormities. London Life.
THE. NEW SCIENTIFIC STEAMER.
Everyone who has read Jules Ver
ne's "Twenty Thousand Leagues
under the Sea" will remember the'
manner of craft in which that mar
vellous journey was undertaken, and,
though that wonderful vessel was
entirely a product of M. Verne's fer
tile imagination, the new scientific
steamer Albatross seems in many
ways a practical embodiment of the
mythical Nautilus. Wc all know
that fish, like moths, arc attracted
by light, and the Albatross will bo
provided with two classes of electric
light, the Brush for illuminating the
surface of the sea and the Edison for
lighting up the deep. Fancy the
effect of those brilliant rays, shining'
through the transparent waters, and
fading away in soft gradations to
wards the lower depths. Imagine
the vast aquatic army, which will
come sailing through the illuminated
sea, visible in this liquid crystal, as
through the glass of an immense a
quarium. The officers and crew of
the Albatross will indeed be able to
" call spirits from the vasty deep."
This new steamer has been provided
with laboratories for micros6opie
purposes, and all the most novel and
approved apparatus for dredging,
trawling, and deep-sea soundings.
She has also a new distillery appa
ratus and an effective method of ven
tilation. The Albatross has been de
signed for the United States Fish
Commission, and, besides ichthy
ology, ornithology will also form a
part of her researches, a room having
been fitted up with every arrange
ment for the convenience of the taxi
dermist. She will be ready for sea
about Dec. 1 , a most wonderful ex
ample of the progress of science
within the past ten years.
Is subjected to many annoyances.
No one is allowed fr enter Russia
without a passport duly vised, or 10
leave the country without permission
from the authorities. These passport
are, howevcr( of little 'use for de
tective purposes, as they simply
contain the name, but give no de
scription of the traveler. The hotel
keepers at St. Petersburg are
obliged, under heavy penalties, to
report to the police twice a day the
names of all traveleis who enter or
leave their hotels. Each house
holder In the city is compelled by
the Government to have a "dvornick"
to watch his premises. These dvor
nicks ure men of the peasant class
who sit day and night wrapped in
their sheepskins at the entrance of
the houses, their office being ap
parently that of half watchman, half
spy. And order was issued a short
time ago that no one should walk in
the streets of St. Petersburg without
a passport, but the absurdity and
annoyance of proceeding were such
as to compel the withdrawal of
the order. Newspaper editors arc
only allowed to give on certain sub
jects such views as meet with the
approval of the Government and
some questions they arc prohibited
discussing. Foreign newspapers arc
stopped at the post-office, often held
back altogether, and when delivered
at all have any objectionable parts
or paragraphs stamped out and made
illegible. The London Ti es fre
quently appears with paragraphs or
portions of the columns blocked out
in this manner. A gentleman re
ceived his newspaper a short time
ago with the whole of it cut away
with the exception of the advertise
ments. It would take too long to
enumerate the many petty and other
annoyances which official zeal im
poses on the ordinary life of the
Russian people and which have to
be accepted without public remon
strance or criticism.
THE LAWYER AND THE IRISH WITNESS
Irish witnesses are not usually
tractable, no small amount of skill
and patience being required to ex
tract a definite answer to the sim
plest of questions. Nothing pleases
your funloving Irishman better than
to bother a lawyer, and the Irish
Courts have known many a dialogue
like this :
"You are a Romnn Catholic?"
"Arc you not?"
"You say I am."
"Come, sir, what's your religion?"
"The true religion."
"What religion's that?"
"And what is your religion?"
"My mother's religion."
4 ' What was y on r m other's religion ?"
"She tuk whisky in her tay."
"You bless yourself, don't you?"
"When I'm done with you I will."
"What place of worship do you go
"The most convaynienl."
"Of what persuasion are you?"
"My persuasion is that you won't
"What is your belief ?"
"That j'ou arc puzzled."
"Do you confess?"
"Not to you."
"Who would you write to if you
were likely to die?"
"I insist upon your answering me,
sir. Are you a Roman .Catholic?"
"And why didn't you say so at
"You never axed me. You said I
was a great many things, but you ne
ver1 axed me; you were dnvin' crass
words and crooked questions at me,
and I thought it was manners to (cut
my behavior on your own patthcrn."
TOO HASTY IN HIS CONCLUSIONS.
An Indian merchant took an ele
phant to a fair. No sooner had he
arrived than he noticed a European,
who, without saying a word, walked
round and round the elephant, ex
amining it attentively on all sides.
The merchant addressed several ques
tions to him without eliciting a reply.
An intending purchaser appeared on
the scene, and the merchant turned
eagerly to the European and whis
pered in his ear, "Don't say a word
till I have sold the elephant, and I will
make you a handsome present."
The stranger nodded assent, and
remained mute as before. When
the bargain was concluded and the
money paid, the merchant handed
over 10 per cent of the purchase
money, and said to the mysterious
personage, "Now you can speak ; I
want you to explain how you came
to notice the blcmish'in the left leg
of nvy elephant, which I thought I
had managed entirely to conceal?-"
"A blemish!" replied the silent one.
"I discovered nothing; it is the first
time I ever saw an elephant in my
life, and I examined it' out of sheer
The Prince of Wales' sou George
struck up a violent "middy" flirta
tion at an Australian ball with a
lovely little girl of fifteen (looking
older, as -girls do there.) It was
artlessly open and frank, but the
authorities took him in hand, bring
ing him back to the dais to be
portioned out properly. The boy
was not to be baffled. He slipped"
into the crowd and secured his
"girl" again. Recaptured, he was
brought back to the platform and
confronted by an indignant lady, the
much-respected daughter of the
Governor of the colony, who assured
him with emphasis: "If you do that
again I will box your royal ears."
The boy seeing that she evidently
meant what she said, did not do it
A Chicago paper gives the follow
ing story concerning the recent re
gistration of female voters in Boston :
Enter old lady of a certain age.
"I wish to register, sir." "Your
name, please?" "Almira Jane Simp
son." Your ago?" "Beg pardon!"
"Your age?" "Do I understand that
I must give my age?" "Yes, miss,
the law requires it." "Worlds, sir,
would not' tempt me to give it! , Not
that I care. No; I had as leave
wear it on my bonnet as a hackman
docs his number, but I'm a twin,
and if my sister has a weakness, it is
that' she dislikes any reference made
to her age ; and I could not give my
own, because I, do not wish to offend
" Oh, pa,'1, said a young lady
"why don't you get a fir tree?' I,
would be so economical to raise bur
own furs, and then wc could1 raise
wliatever kind we wish." ' '