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8UNBAY BULLETIN, HONOLULU, H. T., SUNDAY, MARCH 23, 1902.
JK. ' '
, A f .
Published Every Sunday Morning
at 120 King Street, Honolulu,
T. H., by tho
BULLETIN PUBLISHING CO, LTD.
WALLACE R. FARRINQTON.. Editor
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..MAKCII 23, 1902.
Lucky Baldwin Is again reported to
Those Boer trckers have given it to
tho British In the nek.
Louisiana and Texas are expecting
the largest rice crops on record.
Senator Depew has been heard from.
He favors the shipping subsidy bill.
George It. Carter baB, so far, kept
his head level by refusing to sleep
with Judgo Hartwell.
"The schooner Free Trade arrived at
San Francisco leaking. Free Trade al
ways was a leaky vessel.
King Edward will hardly be able to
announce the pacification of South
Africa before his coronation.
Should Judge Gear come out on top,
after this exodus to Washington, what
will be left of those beneath?
VTork on the China end of the Brit
ish trans-Padflc cable is well under
way. Hero's an object lesson for Un
The Steel Trust has J8.000.000 to
spend in improving Its plants. Unfor
tunately none of them is located in
Should John Doe be W. O., and Lor
rln A. also go away, what on earth
will Hawaii do without these precious.
Nicaragua's friends have been hust
ling, and it now looks as if Senator
John T. Morgan would carry the d.y
for the more northern canal route.
Thirsty residents of New York still
connect with drinks on Sunday by tho
side-door route. This Is the "reform1
Idea of Mayor Low, and hang tho
Goiernor Dole, Judge Humphreys
Judge Gear, L. A. Thurston and Jolir
Doe would bo able to form some en
Joyable whist parties on tho trip to
Half a million dollars seems a good
deal of money to pay for porcelain.
Yet this is what J. Picrpont Morgan
Is reputed to have given for tho Gar
land collection of art treasures.
As soon ns Prince Henry started for
Germany, Miss Iloosevelt went to Ha
vana with a party of friends. Sho will
doubtless enjoy herself far mora at
the Cuban capital than sue would at
Tommy AtklnB Is to have moro pay
and other reforms. That they will bo
reforms Is guaranteed by tho fact that
the new British army regulations arc
copied directly from those of th
Jhe principal witness against a
Tammany Tenderloin policeman who
is under Indictment, has been murder
ed by somo unknown person In the
Tenderloin precinct. Will Tammany
stop a any crime?
If President Roosevelt retains his In
tellect after absorbing the many va
ried and parti-colored opinions that he
will soon receive on conditions In Ha
waii, ho must certainly bo the posses
sor of a highly strenuous brain.
The Earl of Lytton Is engaged to be
married to Miss Pamola Plowden, who
Is described as a "magnificent talker."
Imagine the Earl's mortification when
he desires to digest the "Times" at
his morning meal of ham, eggs, tea
After an exciting meeting tho New
Orleans sugar exchange has decided
to establish a branch for speculation
in sugar futures. Twenty years ago
sugar futuro selling was tried In New
York, but It failed, and any specula
tion has since been done through Lon
don or Hamburg.
A discharged employe of the Ger
man Embassy at Washington lias filed
charges with the State Department
agalnet the Ambassador, Dr. Von Hoi
leben. There is probably llttlo or no
truth In them for they relate to a pur
ported control of the German-Amerl
can vote for Bryan In 1900. Every
body In Washington knew that this
vote could not be controlled Tor It was
hot on tho run to McKlnley. At Dem
ocratic headquarters in Chicago the
loss of tho German-American vote
was conceded fully two months before
CHINESE LABOR SOURCES.
I!y tho steamer Coptic, arriving here
on Wednesday last, there came Inter
cstlng news for those connected with
plantations, sugar production and dis
tribution, which means practically
cverbody In tho Territory of Hawaii.
lloth Congressman Ilitt, and Gover
nor Taft, of tho Philippines, express
the opinion that Chinese laborers who
are now In the Philippines cannot be
prevented from going to the Mainland.
Equally they cannot be excluded frotti
Hawaii, nor can tho Chinese who are
now In Hawaii be prohibited from go
ing to tho Mainland. This opinion, it
upheld by the Supreme Court, will
have a bearing upon nt least half a
million of Oriental laborers, and per
haps upon three times that number.
The exact number of Chinese In the
Philippines Is unknown, and all estim
ates are merely guess work for they
are scattered throughout tho length
and breadth of the group where It Is
utterly Impossible to keep track of
The Bulletin has been advised for
some time past that the law read as in
terpreted by Ileprescntatlvo Hltt and
Governor Tuft, and that residents ot
tho Philippines, when those Islands
passed into American possession.
could no more be excluded from Ha
waii than the Porto Means. Moreover,
that all the exclusion laws that Con
gress can pass will not keep the Chi
neso In American Insular possessions
from going to the Mainland should
they care to do su. This may result
In an exodus from Hawaii for more
Chinese are likely to leave Hawaii for
tho Mainland than would caro to go.
probably, from tho far away Philip
pines. This is a point to bo consid
That tho number of Chinese In Ha
waii has been decreasing Is well
known. The exodus has probably been
larger than people are generally aware
of, but It has been felt to Buch an ex
tent by Chinese merchants doing busi
ness, that many of them closed and
are closing up their businesses for the
purpose cither of returning to China
or of going to the Pacific coast Theso
merchants claim that Japanese labor
ers and Japanese storekeepers arc
supplanting the Chinese. If this bo
true, and there Is no reason to doubt
it, tho Infercnco would appear to be
that Hawaii Is not a good enough place
tor a Chinaman to live In.
Gentlemen engaged In plantation
properties havo received tho recent
news from Washington with deep In
terest and the Chinese labor question
will bo discussed at the next meeting
ot the Planters' Association. It is
probable that tho best legal opinion
will be obtained on th'e question in
volvcd, and subsequently inquiries
may be made as to tho wages that are
being earned by the Chinese In the
Philippines, whether they would care
to migrate to Hawaii's cano fields and
In what numbers, and ns to tho feasi
bility of procuring them in quantities
sufficient for our plantation uses.
It will be even moro Interesting now
to watch tho action of our National
legislators. In regard to exclusion. It
seems as If all the acts that Congress
may pass will not bo able to exclude
from tho Mainland tho half million
and moro of ClilneBo who aro now liv
ing peaceably upon American soil and
under the American flag. And when
Undo Sam attempts to exclude them
from tho numerous islands of the Thll
Ipplno group, his efforts aro likely to
be highly amusing. It will he pretty
much llko the efforts of a man trying
to catch all the mosquitoes In a mala
PROOF OF PROSPERITY.
Proof of tho wonderful prosperity
that has been experienced by tho
United States Is Just given In the an
nual report of tho Superintendent oi
Banks for the Stato of New York, Mr.
Frederick E. Kllburn.
During the last six years, tho sav
ings banks ot that State havo gained
$348,486,043 In resources, and the
trust companies have gained $576,
Tho total amount of, money deposit
ed In tho savings banks. In 1901, was
128055,820. Tho Increase In tho
amount ntportgd as being duo to de
positors was $07,176,219. Tho number
ot open accounts In tho State's savings
banks was $2,174,511, an Increase of
102.321 within twclvo months.
Regarding trust companies, the fig
ures show an Increase of $11,076,087 In
surplus and undivided profits, of near
ly $11,000,000 In gross earnings, and
of $4,500,000 In Interest paid to depos
Itors within a year.
During tho last six years tho Nation
al and Stato banks' of New York have
Increased their resources by $800,000,
000, The present total assets of the
National, Stato and Savings banks
combined approximates four billons of
dollars, over 40 per cent of which has
been accumulated wlthtn tho last six
Tho late President McKlnley prom
ised the American people prosperity.
Here Is amplo proof that they got It.
An automobile Is no longer an auto,
It Is a "wain." An oll-auto is a "smell
wain" nnd a steam-auto Is a "puff
wain," Wilt Honolulu society please
correct Its terms so as to bo In con
formity ,wlth the latest London styles?
MR. DICKDY'6 PLANS.
Representative Dickey's scheme for
municipal government Is nn Interest
ing one. In consequence of the elim
ination ot county organization It Is
thoroughly original but can hardly be
classed ns practical. Thero is little
doubt that Mr. Dickey's schemo would
Increase taxation as it would practical
ly prevent the reduction In Territorial
official force and cxpenso which a com
plete municipal program makes cer
tain. It contemplates keeping Intact
the present full Territorial machinery
for tho government of the country dis
tricts whereas the completo municipal
plan will wipo out a great many of tho
present offices by the transfer of ad
ministration to tho county and city
Take for Instance the present Super
intendent of Public Works. Under
county and municipal government tho
duties of this officer will bo assumed
by city superintendents of public
work and the county commissioners.
Wider Mr. Dickey's plan It will bo nec
essary to maintain almost, If not quite
all tho present public works force
whllo tho city of Honolulu will require
still another public works department,
Mr. Dickey seems to contemplato dup
licating offices with a vengeance and
the duties of the officers will be r.uch
that they will havo good reason to de
mand good-sized salaries.
Tho Bulletin believes that the prac
tical method and the money saving
plan for municipal government In this
Territory Is founded in the framo work
as given by the cxperlenco and custom
of the United States. It means com
plete local government for every city
and hamlet of tho Territory and that
Is what should bo sought.
Mr. Dickey's reference to the special
session of tho legislature and his ac
counting for tho fnlluro of tho loan bill
is also Interesting. He gives reasons
for the failure of one of tho moBt Im
portnnt laws of the last session, which
at least have never before been offer
ed to the public but it Is impossible for
this paper to coincide with his ex
pressed view that because two men
were able to block the work of the
closing hours of tho session the whole
Territorial administration should bo
held up for a full two years. Tho
direct inference of Mr. Dickey's re
marks Is that tho present blockade
"serves them right." "Them" in this
Instance meaning Norrtc, Kobert Boyd
sr-d tho members of the House whom
they enw-tgled nwny from tho IcglB
latho hall, looking at It from this
standpoint Is trnlamniint to saying
that It Is wLo to run tho Tcnltory into
the stone wall of bankruptcy for no
other purpose than teaching a few mis
guided eltlfens that they did not pur
sue mo pain or wisdom. It seems
hardly posslblo that the Representa
tive from tho Third District means
what he says, though It must be admit
ted that neither tho Governor nor any
other opponents of a special session of
tho legislature has offered any strong
er arguments In support of their
Mr. Dickey Is ono of the public men
who has a considerable degree of con
fidence In tho people. He Is disposed
to be liberal In his views giving thoso
not In entlro sympathy with his opin
ions at least tho credit of honest mo
tives. By reason of this characteristic
he lias been able to accomplish more
than Jils associates. It Is apparent
however, that to placo himself In full
sympathy with the general demand of
tho electorate. It Is necessary to go a
step further than Is outlined In the
views ho gives to tho public.
SOME GRBAT TRADING.
Tho United Slates is tho greatest
exporting nation In tho world. Figures
supplied by tho Bureau of Statistics of
the Treasury Department, nt Wash
ington, show tho values of annual ex
ports of fne leading countries of tho
world to bo as follows:
Country Valuo of Exports.
United States $1,438,083,000
United Kingdom 1,3G5,047,841
The figures for Russia aro unfortu
nately not given, but that country
would rank either fourth or fifth as
an exporting nation.
Shipments from America, last year,
to the world's marts exceeded thoso
from the United Kingdom by nearly
$75,000,000. This, howover, does not
include exports to Hawaii or Porto
Rlco, amounting to at least an addi
tional $15,000,000, whoreas tli'o British
figures Include tho exports to all of
the British colonies.
The llttlo affair of '98 has not dulled
Uncle Sam's keen trading Intellect nor
checked tho advance of tho United
StateB to tho world's commercial lead
Owing to tho suit brought by tho
Attorney General against tho Morgan
Hill railroad combine, same of tho
Now York banks nnd Trust companies
aro rejecting tho stock of tho North
ern Securities Company bb collateral,
and brokerago houses havo been i.otl
fled to tako it up.
Prince Henry fears that his visit to
tho United StateB will bo regarded, by
tho Emperor as a failure. Before leav
ing homo ho was directed to speak
IB llttlo as ho could.
There was a live financier In Coun
cil Bluffs recently. Thero are many
who would llko to know whero he Is
now. W. II. Cronshaw, a merchant
of that city, purchases a bank at Crys
tal Lfike, Iowa, secured tho assets and
agreed to make payment (he following
week. Ho promptly drew all the cash
obtained certified checks, sold his own
storo and is now numbered among the
WAIKIKI RAPID TRANSIT.
Until funds arc avallablo for tho
widening of the Walklki road from tho
King street turn to Knplolant Park it
is to be hoped thnt the right of way for
tho Rapid Transit lines on that thor
oughfare will be delayed.
The Rapid Transit Company has
manv forcible arguments to offer In Its
own behalf, arguments that appeal to
a large number of citizens. The sop
vice of tho company Is modern In
every respect. The Walklki beach re
softs aro tho popular outing places of
tho city and a good railway service
would ndd to the nleasuro and comfort
of a very largo number of residents
The Walklki road however Is the
only boulevard of the city. King street
toward l'nlama Is given over to tho
Chinese section and tho tracks of tho
street railways. A drive along that
routo Is an) thing but attractive. Bere
tanla street toward Watalao has pos
sibilities as a driveway but with tho
present depicted condition of tho
treasury there is little prospect of Its
being do eloped. Tho Walklki road
furnishes the only avenue out of tho
city that has been developed to any
thing approaching a popular boulo
vard. To put another street railway
track on this road now means the prac
tical destruction of tho avenue for
comfortable driving purposes. This Is
particularly truo of tho section from
tho Hawaiian Hotel Annex to tho
terminus of the Tramways tracks.
With another track on that nortlon of
tho road very little open roadway
would remain. Tho Ala Moana road
could bo used up to this nolnt but nt
the present time thero Is no practical
way of relieving tho congostlon on tho
last Btrctch of the Walklki road.
It Is to bo regretted that wise Chi
neso gardeners hold their garden truck
at such a high valuation as to block
tho Transit Company In carrying its
tracks through a section of tho city
outskirts that Is neither a thing of
beauty nor a Joy forever nnd lniliml
furnished an entirely feasible railway
routo to Walklki. But this Chinaman's
action furnishes no competent argu
ment for tho Government to make a
second Palama out of the city's only
remaining suburban drivoway. Private
enterprise has on hand tho -construction
of a speedway through the Wal
Jkl rlco patches to tho nark. Iln
when this takes shapo It may be, other
Chinamen will discover that their
truck gardens aro of moro Importance
than tho convenlenco and pleasure of
the public. Thus the prospect of anv
other drivoway to tho park and the
beaches becomes purely speculative.
So far ob tho Ilapld Transit Is con
cerncd tho same purposes would bo
served by carrying tho tracks along
tho Beretanla street routo and reach
Ing tho park by tho "Whlto road." Tho
superiority of tho company's service It
such that tho trade will follow the
lines of tho road whichever way thev
TOM RCBD AGAIN.
Ever since William McKlnley defeat
ed IhomaB Brackett Reed for the Pres
idential nomination in 1896. tho for
mer Maino statesman has kept In tho
political background. Reed was then
a sadly disappointed man. Ho had
hoped to round out his long and able
career In tho Houso of Representa
tives with a term in tho Whlto House.
But l bo fates were against nlm and
he was beaten by his old friend and
follcaguo. It was tho lattor's active
association with the tnrlff, mon than
his .ible administration as Governor
of Onlo for two terms, that won tho
day ,'or McKlnley. After a few years'
ex. ence with a Democratic tnrirr
under President Cleveland, tho people
climorcd ngaln for protection, and
McKlnley, who had over been tho act
ive champion of that policy, was swept
bv a tidal wave from tho little cottage
at Canton Into tho Exccutivo mansion
Reed rotlrcd from nctlvo politic.
Joining a prominent Now York law
firm, and has over since been enjoy
ing as largo a salary as tho President
of the United States and earing for
tho legal interests of sundry great
corporations that aro often classified
as trusts In tho campaign of 1900
Thomas Brackett Reed took no part
and It was rumored that benator Han
na had given the former Speaker of
the Houso a pleco of IiIb mind In eon
sequence. Bo this as it may, Reed
Iibb steadfastly remained In tho back
ground. But now comes the suggestion, and
mado by such a strong Republican pa
per' as the New York Sun, that the
former Congressman from Maino will
make a good candidate, to bo nominat
ed by the Republicans, for Governor
of the Empire State, at tho conven
tion which Is to assemble at Saratoga
noxt September. Mr. Reed was sue
gested ns a candidate for tho New
York Mayoralty In placo of Beth Low,
who waa elected on a reform tidal
wave. But, though frequently Impor
tuned, tho ox-Speaker remained obdur
ate and persistently declined the hon
or. Ho has since been "thought of"
ob tho Republican party's nominee for
Tho man from Maine frequently In-
Its Washington to see President- Iloos
evelt, who is very friendly to him. Mr,
Reed has always been on the best of
terms with Senator Piatt, and during
his residence In New York he has been
In close, or even Intimate, association
with all the prominent regular Repub
licans. The ex-Speaker continues to
to politically reticent, but that his
nnme Is being prominently considered
by party leaders is certain, even to the
re irement of Governor Odell without
his being nomlntaed for a second
Thero art many reasons that point
to Reed as a posslblo candidate. David
B. ill! la likely to name the Democrat
ic candidate for Governor in Now
York State and ho will undoubtedly
select a strong man. Tho Republicans
ruujt go ono better. Moreover, tho
mnn who can crry New York Stato
as Governor next fall will be ono of
tho most prominent candidates for tho
Presidency In 1904. It Is felt that the
largo electoral vote of tho Empire
State will then be necessary to tho
success of cither Democratic or Re
publican candidate. It Is known that
Reed could go through the Stato and
mako Bomo stirring speeches, and In
asmuch as ho is the friend of tho
President, something like tho old
Are could bo rekindled In Republican
circles In tho fall of 1902.
Republican leaders who don't like
the straightforwardness ot Odell havo
Hon. Thomas Brackett Reed tip their
sleeves as the most likely candldato
for Governor, but they aro saying
nothing about 1104 when tho Interests
of the two n's Roosovclt and Reed
might possibly clash.
At one of the last sessions ot tho
Republican caucus on the Cuban sugar
question, considerable bad blood was
manifested as the evening advanced,
and Speaker Henderson camo forward
with a plea for party harmony. The
opponents of reciprocity or tariff con
cession number moro than ono hun
dred. If they hold together for tho
regular Republican policy of protec
tion to American Industries and aro
supported by the Democrats who be
lieve In free trade, then tho starving
Cubans will get no relict from Uncle
Sam. At tho caucus, Tayler ot Ohio,
Llttlefleld of Maine nnd Smith of Mich
igan were the Btaunchest adhorents
of Republican principles.
Tbero Is trouble nt Columbia Uni
versity. The faculty granted to wom
en students tho privilege of using the
swimming pool onco a week. It was
used. Subsequently the male students
bad their swim. One of them was
nipped nt tho bottom of the tank and
a search for tie crab disclosed a largo
sized side-comb. This and a hairpin
form the nucleus of a swimming fool
The Jersey mosquito Is doomed. Tho
State's Legislature has voted $10,000
for Its extermination wjth tho aid
or science. We must watch tho re
sults of this investment for much
might bo dono by Prof. Koebele., tho
Board of Health and a Hawaiian Leg
islature, In the way of science and ap
propriations respectively, to Induce
tho Hawaiian variety to movo on.
Despite tho opposition of Democrat
ic Senators, the shipping subsidy bill
has more chance of becoming law at
this session of Congress than it has
ever had. It will be a great day for
Senator Frye when tho President at
taches his slgnaturo to such a meas
ure, the Maine statesman having leen
Its most steadfast supporter through
out his entlro political career.
There has been somo sharp fighting,
near the Isthmus of Panama, between
Colombian regulars and rebels. But
Admiral Hlgglnson 1b down that way
with the battleships Alabama, Kear
sarge, Indiana and Massachusetts, so
that American Interests are not likely
Here's a knock-out lor cigarette
smokers. At Northwestern Academy
in i:anston, III., only 2 per cent of the
cigarette fiends In tho school reached
tho (list grade. Fifty-seven per cent
of them weio In tho lowest grade.
Hon, James Stephen Hogg. ex-Governor
of Texas and anti-plutocrat, was
presented to King Edward by Ambas
sador Choato. How has the mighty
fallen since ho struck oil! Tho Oil
King, and tho English King.
II tho loiterers nt the four corners
of Hotel and Fort Btreets wcro induced
to move on, there would bo more op
portunity for tho High Sheriff's men
to blockado the nnrrow sidewalks,
Hon. William Jennings Bryan alms
to officiate as national adviser to the
Democratic party. ThU will assure
tour years moro of Republican admin
It Is thought that ex-Czar, Reed
should havo been sent to King Ed
ward's coronation to glvo His Majes
ty polntera on the exercise of powor.
And the warllko Senator from Now
Hampshire, Hon. William U. Chandler,
was not present at tho engagement bet
ween his South Carolina colleagues.
In 1880 thero were 1085 different
railroads In the United StateB. Ii 1899
hero wcro 1782 roads and the mileage
iad been doubled.
To most men tho Idea of unlimited
vcalth Beems llko the thought of un
limited Jam to the small boy.
This Lenten season has been of the
'eBtlvo character, with but llttlo din
day of sackcloth and ashes.
ST. PATRICK'S DAY AND THINGS ii
Saint Patrick's Day was a great
event for Honolulu," said the second
mate, as the captain and the chief en
gineer seated themselves at the sup
per table ab'oard tho Welakahao and
tho latter troubled him to pass tho
"Yesj thero wcro lots of folks wear
ing tho green ribbon fhat I never sus-
plcloncd afore," answered the chief,
breaking tho crusts oft his bread and
laying tho butter on thick.
"Wcro you out at tho Moana Hotel
on Monday night?" aBked tho second
mate, addressing the captain and
tipping the wink to tho mate.
"Shuro. I was."
"Did you speech?"
"No; not on your map. But I stayed
and listened to alt the speeches. Thero
was a fellow what wrote short-handed.
He took down everything a fellow
said. I was sitting next to him and
asked him what ono ot tho marks
meant. It looked like a piece of a
chlckcn-coop what was washed down
by tho Nutianu flood t'other day. 'That
means that tho speechmaker was
cheered with loud, long and 'thuslas
tic applause,' said ho. When this hero
Reporter Boyd of the What's tho
namo of that thero galley-rag what
said, 'Bless you, McSwllllgan,' and got
hauled up for contempt?"
"Advertiser," said tho chief, who put
In bis sparo time reading trashy liter
ature. "Well, when this hero Reporter
Boyd got up to make a speech, I kind
of observed that tho short-handed man
scratched down tho sign for tumultu
ous nnd so-forth applause beforo tho
goods wob landed on tho dock. 'What's
your hurry,' says I to tho stenograph,
'tho 'thuslastlc congregation hasn't
handed out any cheers yet.' 'That's
all right,' says the fellow with tho
bunch of pencils, 'They'll yell for him
right enough; lio's handing them n
sling on tho llbcrtlno of tho press. I'm
writing this hero for tho Advertiser
and tho gentleman working his hash
machine Is ono of our men. See?"
"Suro enough, thoy cheered him.
They cheered everybody. It was a
great affair, and tho good folks wasn't
going to hurt nobody's feelings. Say,
'though, you ought to have set eyes on
Mr. Reporter Boyd when tho tumultu
ous and so-forth applause bit his list
eners. He swelled up so high that ho
could easily havo wiped -his nose on
his green neck-tic."
"Yes; I heard thnt the Advertiser
was cheered at tho ban'ket," said tho
second mnte, assisting himself to but
ter for the scveraltTi time.
"Where did you hear It?" asked tho
chief engineer, patting tho catsup bot
tle affectionately as ho stood It on Its
head over his beans.
"I read It In tho Advertiser," an
4-f-f -H-M-H-t-M-f -f -f 4 4 44f
I CURIOUS CRINKLES AND CRACKLINGS
Is It a square deal when twenty peo
ple lunch at a restaurant and the
score shows twenty ate?
Professor Koebele Is rare among
public officials. When he goes abroad
his errand Is never a knocking one,
nor Is he over n mark for knockers,
if every government servant were as
perfectly fitted to his duties, and kept
ns strictly to bis business, as the Ter
ritorial entomologist, there would bo
no Justifiable worry over Hawaiian af
fairs cither here or In Washington.
Odd to see a snarling comment upon
tho alleged letting loose of criminals
by the Judiciary as sontethlng infa
mousfollowed by a whine over the
escape of a desperato convict from the
hands of tho Executive as mere mis
fortune appearing consecutively In
tho editorial columns ot a paper that
attitudinizes as holding to nothing but
right nnd fairness. Verily, it Is star
acting upon the Journalistic stage.
Woods, the escaped convict, accord
ing to the reliable press, has left Ho
nolulu by every steamer departing
within the paBt fortnight. If the fel
low can only repeat tho act nt each op
portunity the coming fortnight, ho
will be In a fair way of getting him
self outside the Jurisdiction of Hawa
This Is true or It would not be told
In a column where no Imaginative per
sonal Joking appears. A Chinese laun
dryman, on a business visit to a cus
tomer tho other day, was praising the
good qualities of a customer In an nd
Jacent street. Ho could not remember
tho lady's name and to every sugges
tion of the names of neighbors by tho
lady addressed said, "No." At last he
said the name was "nlleo same make"
the last being tho native word for
"dead." It flashed upon tho China
man's Interlocutor to mention a
neighbor whoso name etymologlcnlly
Indicates one who dyes and phoneti
cally one who dies or becomes "make."
Ho Jumped with glee as he exclaimed:
"Yes, Mlssle D , allee same ma-ke!
Sho fine woman, I washce her long
time, Sho velly good."
The foregoing Incident wns related
In the hearing ot a bronzed sea cap
tain,, who forthwith told the following
story: In the town of P , down
east, n young doctor came home with
Iila fresh, diploma. He aBked an old
practitioner to throw any odd oppor
tunity for practice In his wny. One
day the elder Esculaplus, returning
from a visit In tho country, called at
the young fellow's home and gave him
tho summons: "Drive out immedi
swered the second mate, blushing,
"What's tho rules of tho road with
newspapers?" queried tbo mate,
wanting to keep the conversation go
ing to cover tho fact that he had start
ed In on a second helping ot round
steak with flour gravy.
"Perhaps," said the captain, as ho
sucked tea through his moustache and
peered over tho cup, "perhaps you aro
a-loodlng to tho freedom of the press,
or, In tho words of the poet, the llbcr
tlno of tho press."
"Don't you mean tho 'liberty' of tho
press," suggested the second mato.
"Well, have it your own way. Tho
liberty of tho press, as 1 understand It
as it impresses me "
"From your vlcwpoInt?,"assl8ted tho
second mate, who had heard tho word
whllo passing tho Y, M. C. A, one oen
Ing, "Yes, If you llko, from my viewpoint
tho liberty of the press is tbo right of
u fearless and untainted public press
to show up the wrong-doer and cor
rupt politician for the benefit of the
masses," and the 'captain pushed his
plat back and ceremoniously cut the
end off a long cigar with tho butter
knife. "Don't the Advertiser do thnt?" ask
ed the chief, who Jealously guarded
tbo streak of yellow In his mental flbeuf
"No; of course It donl," said tlili
captain, knocking Ms cigar-ash Into
''What tack's sho on, then?" insisted
tho second mate.
"Lyln' about decent folks sp's to
draw tho tarpaulin over her own con
traband cargo, of course,"
"Talkln about newspapers and
things," began the chief englneor,
"what becamo of this duel what was
goln' to como off In DI'mond Head
"You mean tho scrap between the
editor of the paper what got held up
for moral dlsenfectlon In tho postof
flee and tho gentleman what belongs
to tho Navy?" naked the second mate,
"You've struck It." .
"Why, they remembered It was Sun
day nnd therefore a legal holiday, so
of courso tho agreement could not
"I'd like to have them aboard a
deep-water ship," said the second mate.
"What for?" asked the captain.
"I'd make a chalk line on deck, start
a pool and mako 'em fight."
"They'd claim It wasn't a fair deal."
"Why?" ' - '
"Because you'd marked the deck."
"Wo ain't talkln' cards," put In tho
"No; but s'posln' we try a game of
crib beforo wo turn In."
The Pake steward cleared the talye
nnd the three worthy seamen proceed
ed to handle th,e pasteboards. tr
THE WATERFONT REPORTER.
ately to Mrs. Robinson's. She is dye
ing." In a Jiffy the ambitious Galen,
was speeding In his buggy to the sup
posedly desperate case. As ho drew
rein at the house, Mrs. Robinson was
espied round the corner, her arm
crimsoned to nbove the elbows. Sho
was dyeing hanks of woolen yarn In u
It was In one of New York's big
shipbuilding yards, In the days of "tho
wooden walls" for craft of peace and
war. An Inquisitive visitor from In
land asked the foreman why that hole,
pointing to an open port, was left In
the Bhlp. "Oh," was the reply, "wo
hoisted that hole up and built the ship
around It." This reminds one of the
old Btory about a Secretary of tho
Navy Ceforo the war, who had never
seen salt water before his appointment.
With the President he inspected n
man-of-war Just before her launching.
On coming to a companlo'nway he look
ed down into the opening and ex
claimed, "Why, the darn thing is hol
low'" It's a wonder Gamewell didn't think
of putting an alarm clock attachment
on his boxes to awaken the patrolmen ,
at proper Intervals,
How quickly Honolulu's fully deV
oped burglar and highwayman scare
disappeared when a few skinny Porto
Rican sneak thieves had been caught!
All booms have a short life In tho
tropics, When SantOB Dumont Introduces his
style of rnpfd transit to Honolulu, In
junctions of courts nor the neigh of
norses can impede tho enterprise.
An Irishman In a fai; city who lost
hcnB by a flood applied to the proper
official for redress. All lie had In re
turn was advice to keep chickens. This
Is about the size of satisfaction poor
residents of the lower levels of Hono
lulu get or heavy osses Incurred, at
every freshet from the crude engineer
ing wherewith city grades were estab
lished. Plain Citizen Aro you going to
Government official Washington?
P. C I didn't mean that. Are yni
going to nave n shave?
O. O, No. Tho barber won't take
any hiore treasury warrants. Have to
let my whiskers grow until noxt
Legislature passes a loan bill ,
Cancer Is on tho Increase nnd ro
search work Is being conducted by tho
University of Buffalo.
i .dKuisWik- ,-,.,. ;- w
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. IV jCi ur. jul.