Newspaper Page Text
EVENtNO BULLETIN. HONOLULU. T. H., SATUHDAY, FEB. 2. 190T.
It's Hard To
Ambassadors Are Easy, Says Dooley
IlV F. P. DUNNR.
(Copyrieht, 1007, I)V H. H. McClurc & Co.)'
1 SEE," said Mr. Dooley, "they've sint us a new Ambassadure fr'm
England. I don't invy th poor man."
"Isn't it a coob job? asked Mr. Hcnncssy.
"It used to be," said Mr. Dooley. "It .used to be a fine job, if yc
were tired an' needed a rest. Nawthin' to do all day but kick because
Joe Cannon was let into dinner ahead iv yc an' decidin' wml ye wear th'
green an' yellow pants or th' pale blue knee breeches to th' White House.
Hogan saysdic sec th' diplomats together wan time in Wash'nton. There j
was a few white men among thim but th rest looked like a muster iv th
Knights iv th' Gooldcn Star (colored) on Emancipation Day.
"In thim good old times th' foreign nations sint us f'r a diplomat
something they cudden't use at home an' we sint thim th' same an'
nianny iv thim. They shipped us th' mimber of a noble but rayjooccd
fam'ly with a mustache that looked well on parade but bad in th' coffee,
an' had a fine flow iv conversation just th' same as a door post. We
handed thim back a distinguished statesman who owned a clothing store
an fourteen votes an' no more in th' Thirtieth Congressional Disthrict
iv loway. If he had anny more votes he'd stay at home an' get ilictcd
Sheriff or Coroner or to some other office iv honor.
"Nayther side got th' better iv th' other. It was a case all around iv
disposin' iv what Armour wild call th' bye-product. We made an Am
bassadure to Europe iv what was left over afther th' noinmynation iv
a Congressman. If he was goin' to England be must know th' name iv
Shakcsperc be heart an' have an eye r-rcady to leak at a mintiou iv that
great potc. Th' damp climate iv th' British Isles is due to a succissiou
iv American Ambassadurcs weepin' at cornerstone layin's an' th' opcuin'
iv librics. Whin th' time conic to rayturn th' complimint ye'd r-read in
tli pa-aper: 'Sir Alf Orkins, Consul at Coontown on th' East Coast,
in a disgrace with th' Govcrnmint f'r his attentions to a lady that is
considhcrcd a sthrikin' brunette, even in sunny Africa. Th' Cabinet is
detarmined to punish him severely an' he has been appointed Ambassa
dure to th' United States.' He come over here an' stayed a few years.
His first act on landin' was to file a gin'ral demurrer to th' counthry an'
its inhabitants, which he filled out in detail later on. He wrote home
to Chipping Norton fr'm time to time regretting that he had nawthin'
to cat but canvasback ducks an' tcrrypin, an' that yc cudden't find anny
viggytable marrow, let alone winkles, in this degraded counthry. Afther
awhile he set down an' sint a letter iv advice on American pollyticks to
'an innocint searcher afther th' truth in th' employ iv a campaign comity,
an' thin he was allowed to go home be th' first boat.
"Well, Sir, 'twas a ca'm an' beautiful life they led. Nawthin' to
worry thimj but th' question iv dhress an' Joe Cannon always heatin
thim to th' vittlcs. They nivcr were able to get in first. They thried
to thrip him up, but he jumped over th' British Ambassadurc's foot.
They grabbed his coattails, but his hunger an' dimmycratic thraditious
iv what Hogan calls precedence was too sthrong f'r thim. Whin the
got into th'tliniug room there he was in a seat where he cud grab th'
first waiter that come along. Some iv thim asked f'r a inan-ivwar to
enfoorcc their demands f'r th' first liclpin to th' corned beef, hut Joe
Cannon-defied thim. He said no furrincr cud get in ahead iv him. He'd
hail th' right kind iv thrainin' in Vermillion County with a hired man
as (pacemaker. He said 'twas merely a matter iv th' start, lie was off
quicker ihan th' imported gourmand, an' his quick start give him ten
yards advatltafee over th' fastest an' hungriest man in th' Diplomatic
Corps. He thought if it wasn't f'r his rayspict f'r th' Chief Ixicrrihe,
an' if he wasn't bumped an' made to swerve in th' sttrteh he cud run
th Prisidint himsilf to a head.
"Iv coorsc, Hinnissy, that was a sorrow iv th' diplomats an' they
had other griefs. It was hard to dance th' two-step an' escape cutlin'
off their legs with their soords, their gloves busted at times, an' now
an' thin a Southern Congressman tapped wan iv thim on th' shoulder
an' savs: 'Snowball, dash hack to th' pantrv an' fetch me another slice
iv this here pic, an' be quick about it or I'll blow ye'er black head oft'.'
That was onplcasant, but th' life gin'rally was a cheerful wan, an' if
they cud lead th' pa-apers they often knew what they were doin'.
"But 'tis all changed now. Th' Ambassadure has no snap. He's
got, to keep thrnined-to th' minnyit, an' whin he goes up to th White
House he wears fightin' tbrunks undher his unyfonn an' carries tennis
bats, fancin' masks, wrestlin' togs, an' toxin' gloves in his bag. Whin
th' Prisidint comb into office he looked th' Diplomatic Corps over an'
says he: 'They need healthful exercise. They ar-rc an anemic lot.'
An' tln'u yc began to read in th' pa-apers: 'Th'arrival iv Ilaron Speck
von Stcrnburg as German Ambassadure at Wash'nton has sint a thrill
through diplomatic circles. F'r a long time th' infloonce iv Germany
has been wanin'. Th' former Ambassadure was a lamed man, but th'
most exercise he iver took was polishing his eyeglasses. Th' German
Impror was in despair f'r th' Fr-rinch Ambassadure Moosoo Jusserand
was at th' White House ivry day conductin' imortant negotiations with
a tennis hat in th' kick yard. Th' Fr-rinchman is a fine tenuiser; but
sthraiige to say th' Prisidint can just beat him ivry time. It suddenly
occurred to th' Kaiser to siud over Speck, who is wan iv th' best soords
men in th' German army. Th' cliangc was iustantauybus. Yisterday th"
Fr-rinch Ambassadure was seen weepin' an' heatin' on th' White I louse
dure with a tenuis hat while th' German Ambassadure made faces at him
through th' window. Harou Speck has lost wan car f'r th' fatherland,
but he has negotyated a throaty f'r th' free cxpoort iv dachshunds into
"Former fav'ritc Ambassadurcs ar-re secretly delighted with th'
change, but there ar-re fears that important divilopmints may follow.
Th' jap'nese Minister has not been himsilf since he taught th' Prisidint
jiu-jitsoo an' was severelycut be th' glass iv a skylight through which
lie was thrown. Th' Fr-rinch Ambassadure may go home an' his Gov
crnmint is negotyatin' with a prom'nent handball player. Th' Swedish
Governmint will make an attimpt to have Hackcnschmitt riprisiut Swe
den at Wash'nton. Last night th' Prisidint was in an especially jolly
mood at th' diplomatic rayciption, where he showed th' British Ambas
sadure a new thrip. It wint off vcryv well. Th' Ambassadure
on'y said: 'My word,' as he sat down on an andiron. Th' Eyetaliau
Ambassadure is lookiif very gloomy afther an unsuccessful attimpt to
teach th' Prisidint a new game iv cat's cradle. Th' Prisidint said it wud
be all right if ye used wire cable an' whoivcr lost a hand lost th' game
too. He is detarmined to establish closer relations with th' South Amer
ican raypublics an' he has challenged th' dark-hucd diplomats to a
grand rassliu' match, whin he will take thim all on at waust. Th' Min
isters iv Chile, Peru, Argentine, Brazil, Uruguay, ;an' Icwadoor have
horridly left town. Th' Turkish Minister has asked to be relieved an'
have his head cut off. He says he prefers to die at home. Th' Prisidint
is very .much pleased at th' appintmint of Oscar thVRooshyan Joynt as
Ambassadure fr'm Rooshya. He thinks he can make wan hundhcrd an'
eighty xHiuds lc th time th' riprisentative iv th' Czar prisints his ere
dintials. "So ye see' Hinnissy, 'tis no aisy thing f'r th' spiled darlin' iv Euro-
peen coorts to do business around Wash'nton. Who's this new Ambas
sadure fr'm th' home iv that part iv our Anglo-Saxon race that hasn't
got its vote counted yet? He's a fine English gintleman iv th old
school, fr'nMh' north iv Ireland. A good man. He's what they call a
Liberal in England. A Liberal in England is a man who believes in
th' same tilings that radical men in this counthry believe in like J.
Pierpont Morgan or Andhrew Carnaygie. He's iii iivor iv takin' th'
poor man's money away fr'm th' arrystocracj an' givin' it to th' plain
"1 don't know what his qualifications f'r th' job ar-rc. He looks
pretty old to me f'r a gymnast. He's a book man an' that's bad. 1
nivcr knew anny wan but Teddy that cud thrain f'r a foot race on lith
rachoor. What did this la-ad write, says ye? lie wrote a book waust
tliat Hligan read, called 'Th' American Cominon Wealth.' He'll find
a gr-reat deal more wealth whin he comes over an' if he goes to New
York an' stays at a fash'nable hotel he'll see that it's just as common
as iver it was. I don't know whether 'tis a good book or a bad. I nivcr
read it. Hogan says 'tis full iv information about that there docymint
that railroad prisidints an' gr-reat fi-nanceers have become so much
hrthrested in iv late, th' wliat-d'yc-call-it ? th' constitution. There
ain't a railroad prisidint in this counthry that hasn't declared: 'Now
that )c call me attintioii to it. I wud lay down me life f'r th' dear old
coiiMitution. 1 like especially th' paragraph which says: 'Hands off our
stout railroad prisidints, a nation's pride 1" Me frinil Harriinaii is in
tears over th' outrages on th' constitution an' is thinkin' iv leavin' th'
counthry an' givin' away all his hard, even tough-earned, money. Jim
oimiii.Mi i.iihit nun .- in koiisuiuiiuii iiiamireaieii ue sunpoeny sarvers
is goin's abroad without anny flourish iv thrumpcts, hut undher an as
sumed name. But if I was th' new British Ambassadure 'tis th' consti
tution iv Tiildy Kosctifclt I'd keep me eye on. That's th' on'y wan that
don't need protiction fr'm th' judicyary.
"But annyhow what difference docs it make at all? Sure, who cares
umbo's Ambassadure? Manny years ago 'twas a divvle iv a job. Th'
Ambassadure watfta part iv his own counthry thrausplauted. Whereiver
I he wint he was a walkin' United States iv America. If anny wan asked
him what th' policy iv his counthry was his answer was: 'I make it up
as I go along.' It took about a year f'r him to raypoort annything he
I had done an' another year to get th' reproof back, so he led .i free an'
riochous life, declared war, punched Prime Ministers in th' eye, anil gin'
rally misbehaved himsilf, an' no wan at houle cared what he did. Be
tli" time they kiiew-annything alxJtit it it was old news an' he was up to
'some other divilmiut.
1 "But now how is it? Sure, an Ambassadure is about as vallyablc
as a tillyphone op'rator. He has to make th' connections an' if he listens
or cuts in he's fired. He's a messenger an' a slow wan fr'm wan Govern
mint to another. He goes up to a King with a scaleibciivclopc an' hands
it to him with th' remark: 'Sign here.' That night, mabe, a man raps
at his dure an' says: 'Ar-re yc th' fellow that brought th' message this
mormii .' 1 am, says th Atuliassadure, liitcmn on nts soord. 1 lieu
I've come to tell ye to pack ye'er thruuk an' go on th' eight fifty-five.
Ye'er benighted Governmint has asked us to come outside if we dare an'
we've wired thim that we dare.' "
"I heerd Hogan say there was talk in th' English tia-apers iv goin'
to war with us about Japan," said Mr. Hcnnessv. "I'd like to see it.
D'ye think they will?"
"Th English pa-apers," said Mr. Dooley, "like our own ar-re con
ducted lie renowned warryors. But' do ye think if there was on'y wan
butcher shop in th' city I'd thry to wreck it?"
'- Vv.UT..- -si
To The Volcano
THE GREATEST NATURAL WON
DER Or THE WORLD.
The center of volcanic activity Is
now at the
CRATER OF KILAUEA.
Information from reliable eaureei
Is to the effect that the pit Is fllllna
with molten lava. Eye witnesses de
eiare the fiery display to be beyond
1 This Is An
OPPORTUNITY OF A LIFETIME
To Visit This Wonderland.
SPECIAL ROUND TRIP RATES.
Uy S. S. ".Manna Lou." Iravlne Krf.
ilny, Feb. 1st. ItetiirnlliB by S. S. "Kl
nan" Saturday, Keb. oth. 134.00. This
trip tukes In tlio circuit of Hawaii,
passes tlio recent lavn flow, iind al
lows a Htny tif four day ut tlio Vol
cano, KlvliiK an uxceptlou.it opportu
nity to Mlt ull tlio f couch of recent
Competent Guides accompany vis
itors through the volcanic region.
THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO
Fcr Information and tickets apply to
HENRY WATERHOUSE TRUST
Tourist Information Bureau.
Corner Fort and Merchant Streets.
Real Estate Dep't,
Lunalllo Street .
McCully Street . .
Emma Street . . .
Young Street . .
Aloha Lane . . .
Aloha Lane . . ..
KlPfj Street . . ..
Nuusnu Avenue .
Klnau Street . , .
Klnau Street . . ,
Matlock Avenue .
King Street . . ,
Henri Waterhouii Trust Co.. Ltd,,
Comer Port anf Herchant'Sts
aULLtriM PUBLISHtNa CO.,
HONOLULU, T. H.
Flna eiiiSlssii $...... fr wMeh plesse send me the
WJZy Evening Bullet, n
' ll'JII t tlllt)
for months, te begin and
$ v."" V ' CITY
" J V ISLAND
' ' P. O. BOX
That's Bigger and Better than Ever
THE HOLIPAY8 ARE THE ANNUAL INITIATORY FOR THE BULLETIN'S MAGNIFICENT OFFERINGS TO SUBSCRIBERS. THI8 YEAR IB NO EXCEPTION. THE PREMIUMS ARE VALUABLE
0NE6 AND Al.E TO BE SUPPLIED-NOT TO A FEW. DUT TO MANY INDIVIDUALS. THEY ARE " r"Em,umo
Beautifully Bound and Brilliantly Written Books
these are the Books and the Terms Offered
RECOLLECTIONS OF THE PRIVATE LIFE OF NAPOLEON. By Con
taut, Pre.nler Vjlet de Chcmbro. Translated by Walter Clarl:.
THREE SUPERB VOLUMES. Dound In hair-green leather with glt
top and back, and hanf somtly stamped In gold. Good paper and clear
type, boxed for delivery.
collections of tht Private Life of Napolecrt.
II. r Lh..lug Bulletin one year
Keojlltctlons of the Private Life of Napoleon $ 9.01
The' Evening Bulletin six months 4.C0
Recollections of the Private Life of Napoleon $ 0.00
The Evening Bulletin three months 2.00
recollections of th Private Life cf Napoleon $ 9.00
Tl.e .tlly Bulletin one year 1.00
" - $10,00
Our Pi ice
LIBRARY OF MODERN COOKING AND HOUSEHOLD RECEIPT8. By
Christine Terhune Herrlck, EdIJor-ln-chlef, author of THE LITTLE
DINNER, THE CHAFING-DISH 8UPPER, etc., and associate au
thor with Marlon Harland of thr NATIONAL COOK BOOK. The list
of contributors to this great Consolidated Library of Cooking anc
Household Receipts Includes many of the famous chefs and cooking
experts of the United Stales. The Index Includes soups, chowders and
fish, meats, poultry and game, vegetables, fruits and cereals, bread and
okes, salads and relishes. Ice:, pastry and other deserts, chafing
rUth receipts, beverages and toasts, carving, etc., together with two
volumea on THE MODERN HOSTE38 & THE COOKING 8CHOOL.
Library ot Modem Cooking and Household Re lutt $9.00
The Evening Bulletin one year 8.00
Library of Modern Cooking and HoucrV.aM Re:elpts $9.00
The Evening Bulletin six months 4.00
Library of Modern Cooking and Household Receipts $9.00
The Evening Bulletin three months 2.00
Library of Modern Cooking and Household Receipts $9.00
The Weekly Bulletin one year 1.00
On. QUNN'S NEW FAMILY PHYSICIAN. A new revleed and enlaroe I
edition, containing full information upon new as well as old till
eases, New Remedies and Treatments, many colored charts. In plain
language It is an answer to thousands of questions the causes
symptoms, prevention, remedies, and methods for every disease to
which mankind Is subject. A complete FAMILY MEDIOAL GUIOE
a Doctor always In the house ready to be consulted at any tjma,
when sudden sickness or accidents render Immediate relief neeos.
sary. Ovsr half million copies sold. Handsomely and substan
tially bound In full sheep, stamped In gold with marbled edges. Over
1000 pages with beautifully colored charts and a portrait of the Au
thor. A complete Index. Slie 7 by Inches.
Dr. Gunn't New Family Phytlolan $ 9.00
Tht Evening ulletin one year 8.00
Dr. Qunn'e New Family Physician rrrrm $ 9.00
Tht Evening Bulletin the month! snssri..m. 4.00
' fp?Wr , " $1S-00
Dr. Gunn't Ntw Family Physician ' i l-..I 9.00
The Evening Bulletin three month issiiiijh i 2A0
Dr. Gunn't New Family Physician ttsnAtataW 9.00
The Weekly Bulletin one year, innimmsieenn i 1-00
These Prices To INew Suhscplherm nrl fe-sr- Cnah In AH.mnn rkt-slr.
'fir -nftriiiiltffr jj&L
-"-f -'riiif'iltttnlitoriji -".ii.-