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EVENINO BULLETIN. HONOLULU,!
T. 11., SATURDAY, FED. 9, 1907.
MR. DOOLEY ON
THE ARMY CANTEEN
What Th' Christyan Timprancc
Union Has Done To
know what u Congix'Siiium is. 1'vo mudo u few right here in this
barroom. Th' oii'y thinj; u Coimressinun Isn't afraid iv is tit on'"
thing I'd be nfniiil iv, im' tluit is iv bcin Congrwsnmn. An' th'
thing he's most nfrnid iv is th' Indies. A comity) iv Indies yud ninkc
CongrcHS repeal th' ton eoiiimniiiliiientH. Not lint they'd iver nsk
tliim t, Ilinnissv. They'd mnke thini ten thniiinncl if they had their
way an' mark tliim: 'FV men on'y.' Hut nnnyhow th' Indies comity
wint down to Wnsliin'ton. They'd been then' befnre nil' dliriven th'
Demon Hum fr'in th' reMlirimt into n lair in th' comity room. A
Congressman mine out, eoiighin' Ixdiiud hit hand, an' jmt his hand
kerchief into th' northwest corner iv his emit. 'I.ndies,' xnys he, 'what
enn I ihi f'r ye?' ho miys. 'Ye must aims th' iii-my fr'm th' malt that
liiteth like a wnsp an' Htiuguth like nu ndder,' s.Ayil they. 'Ye liet ye'er
life 1 will, lathes,' says th lotiimtwiiinn with a slight hiccup. 'J will
do as ye desire. A sojer that will dhrink leer is a di-gruce to th'
Ameneuii jng,' lie pnyx. 'We nlxihshed public ilhriiikiif in th capi
tal,' ho cay.s. 'Wo done it to mako th' Sinitorsf unhappy, but tliim
hardened tools iv prcdytory wealth have ordherejl ink wells made in
lib,' as Dock O'Lwiry doea whin he ordhers a musturd plasther f r
me; f'r another lio'il write: 'Three times) ii day at meal!!.' Hut most
people ho wudden't pieueribe it fr at nil.
"Do I blame th' Indies? Fnith, 1 do not. Yc needn't think I'm
proud iv me business. I on'y took to it because 1 nin too jnninl to Jio
ii mechanic an' too tender-hearted to le a banker or n lawyer. So,
sir, 1 wmlden't care a sthraw if all th' dhrink in th' wurrtild wts
dumped tomorrah into th' Atlantic Ocean, although f'r a week or two
nfther it was I'd have to got mu a diving suit if 1 wanted to wo anny
thing iv mo frinds. U0070 hns always been a pop'lar bivrnge with
men, hut th' Indies have niver admired it much. An' I don't wonder,
Now often hive I sat with Hogau an' yo'ersilf an' pased th' can an'
see ye'er wife lookiu' on with pnzHod eves. We'd liegin perfectly
en'in an' sinsible, but about th' third dhrink come wan iv us wild make
a remark that was nlxnit as funny as u coffin-plate nn' wo'd burst into
howls iv laughter, bent each other on Hi" knee, crow an' gurgle with tli
tears riiiiniti' down our cheeks. Th' good woman know th' joke was
not worth th' expine iv a dhrcary smile, an' 'twas not us but old King
th' shape iv decanters. Hut,' he says, 'th' iiopylnr branch iv th' Xny- Alcohol that was yellin' at it. Afther th' jolly we got to th' lioastful
tionnl Ligislnchnre is not to lie outdone. Ye see the-o panels 011 th'l stage. Ye told how ye called .fawn I.. Sullivan a loafer in th' year
113 1 ... 1 I .... 1 .., 1. ... . ..- I. II. . 1. .. I .1 ... ...I.!. 1 . I.. . 1.1 1...
wan s 1 ioucii a nuiioii an out. pops a noiue iv isoiiiihiii t tint wild
make ye'er eyes dance. Whoop-eel'
"ho I ongress pnmed a lull nbolislnn' th canteen.
iieteii tir nrjoos round iv ins jooties,
unit's .clothes, curried tli' ..(Juptnln)
ir's house, watered ,th''giraifyuiri!vi,r
daily letter to th' ph-uicr coniplnin-
Hv F. I'. Dlt.NNK.
(Copyright, 11107, by IIV II. .McClure k'Co., Inc.)
hl.lvbir, said .Mr. Dooley, "I soon lug llohcrty rniinin
111 a sojer today an' 'twas a line sight. Th sojer was
fr'm th'Toiintv Kerrv an' had a thrin an' Dohertv is
th' chnmpccu cnteh-as-eatclwan rassler iv (.'limp Twinty-eight. He
hail a little th' worst Iv it, f'r he end on'y get a neck holt, th' warryor
bavin' no slack to his pants, but he landed him at hist. 'Twas gr-reat
to see tliim doin' n cart-wheel down th' sthreet."
"Was th' sojer under th' intloonee(" asked .Mr. Ilrnnessy.
, "Ye might say he was," said Mr. Dooley. "That is, yo might sny
so if yo didn't know that th' dhrinkiu' habits iv th' nriny have been
rnyfornied. Didn't ye know they were? They nr-re. Yes, sir. Th'
motto iv our bravo fellows is now 'Awny, away, th' liowl.' 'Tis 'Wine
f'r th' thrcmhliu' debnuchee, but wnther, pure wather, f'r me.' 'Tis
'Father, dear father, come home with me now.' An' who did it?
Who is it that improves men an' makes tliim more ladylike nu' thin
quits tliim but th' ladies? This here in v form was enrrid out lie th'
Young Ladies' Christyan Tiinpninee Union, no less. Yo see 'twns
this way. F'r inaiiny years it's been th' theory that dhrink an' figlitiu'
wint ariu-in-nrm. If yo dlirauk ye fought; if ye fought yo dhrnnk to
light agnin. As llogan says, .Mnrs, who was th' gawd iv war, was
no good onless he was pushed into throuble lie Haekis, the gawd iv
dhriul:. Alxmt th' time liars vs r-ready to quit an' go home to do
th' Spring plowiu' ttnekis handed him 11 jigger iv kerosene an' says:
'That fellow over there is leerin' at ye. Ar-ro ye goin' to stand that V
an' -Mars hustled in. Th' barkeepor or th' banker nr-re liehiud ivry
war. a &&&
"Well, in former tinges th' Governmint kept a saloon f'r th' sojers.
Up at Fort Shiirdan they had a giumill where th' warryors cud go nn'
lieNot thiinsilves with bottled lieor an' doniinoes. It was a tur-nhle
sight to see tliim grim heroes, survivors iv u thousand inarches througii
lb' damp sthreets on Decoration Day, sett In' in these temples iv hell
an' swillin' down th' hated eochineel that has made Milwaukee what
it is. Mo- this palace iv vice th' iuthropid detinder iv his Nation's
honor hastened whin he had completed th' nrjoos round iv his jooties,
nttlier I10 Hail presseil tli' Lootimiut's .clothes,
horse, mended th roof iv th' -Major
llr Coloners wife, an' written his
111' about th' food. Thorn he sat an' dlirauk an' foucht over his old
baltles with th' cook an' recalled th' name that he give whin he lirt
enlisted an' timed to think who it aviis he marrid in Fort Lea veil worth
until th' bugle summoned him to th' awful carnage called supper.
"Well, sir, 'twas dhroadful. Wo opposed it as much as we cud.
As a dillygate to th' Hinivolent Assocyation iv Saloon Keepers iv
America 1'vo helped to pass ninniiy resolutions to snvo our brnvc boys
in yellow fr'm th' insidyous foe that robs tliim iv wlmt intelliets they
show lie goin' into th' nr-rniy. Our organ-ization petitioned Congress
tiino'an' time again to take th' Ooverninint out iv this vilo poorsoot
that was sappiu' th' very vitals iv our sojery. Why, wo asked, sliud
Uncle 'rtiini ongngo in this here thraffic in th' souls iv men without
payiu' f'r 11 license, whin dncint citiens were puttin' up their good
money 11 block away an' niver a soul eomiii' down fr'm th' fort to lie
thrafficked in? Did Conineauiny niiuv attintiou to us? It did net.
"Hut wan day a comity iv ladies fr'm th' Young Ladies' 'CJiristyau,
I iinpraneo Union wint out to th fort. J hoy'd seen th' Colonel at th
last p rade an they d decided that 'twas high time thev disthrihutcd
cojiies iv 'Death in tli' Hottle; or, Th' Booze-Fighter's Finish,' nniong
our fearless sojery. Whin they got tip there they seen a law bunch
iv our gallant fellows uiakiii' u dash f'r an outlyu' building, an' says
wan iv tliim: 'What enu they bo in such a hurry f'r? That must lie
th' chapel. Let us go in.' An' in they wint. Hiiinlssy, th' sight thai
met their young an unaccustomed eyes was enough to shock even a
lady lookin' f'r throuble. Th' air was gray an' blue Svith th' fumes
iv that hecjous weed that has made mankind happv tliouch silicic f'r
four hiiudherd years, an' that next to nlcohol is th' gr-reatest curse iv
th' sons iv Adam. Some iv th' degin'rate wretches were phiyin' curds,
properly called th' Divvlo's bible; others were indulgin' in music,
that lure iv th' Evil Won f'r idleness, while still others were intint
on th' fiiryous game iv dominoes, whose feet itnke hold on hell. Hut
worse, still woe, they saw through their girlish spectacles dimmed
with unbidden tears. F'r in front iv each iv these war-battered veth
runs slit lid a hottle, in sniuo cases har'ly half filled, with a brownish
yellow flood with bubbles on top iv it. Whnt was it, says ye? Hard
ened 11s I.niii to dhrink iv ivry kind, I hesitate to mention th' wiirrud.
Hut concealment is useless. 'Twas beer. Theso bravo men, employed
lie th' taxpayer iv Americn to delind th' henrths iv th' tax-dodger iv
America, supposed bo all y us to have consicrntcd their lives to up
holdiu' th' flag, were nt heart votaries, as llogan says, iv Aloes, gawd
"F'r a moment th' ladies shtud dumbfounded. Hut they did not
remain long in this unladylike nttiehood. Th' Chairwoman iv th'
dillygatiou recovered her voice an' advaiiciu' to'rd a Sergeant who
was tjiryin' to skin n pair iv fours down so that it wild look like 0
jack full to his incebryatcd opponent, she said: 'Me brave man, d'ye
realize that that hottle is full iv th' beed iv Desthriiction V she says,
'I think ye er wrong, mum,' says he. 'It s I'llsener, he says.
An' it's nil
right now. If n sojer wants to desthrov hiinsilf ho has to walk a
block. Sonio iv mo enterprisin' colleagues in tli' business hnve opened
places convenient to th' fort where th' bold sons iv Mars instead iv th'
corroding Ik-it can get amiything fr'm sulphuric acid to knockout
dhrops. I see wan iv tliim stockin' up at a wholesale dhrug store last
week. If the sojers escape th' knock-out dhrops they come down town
an' Dohertv takes care iv thim. A sojer gets thirteen dollars a month,
we'll say. Twelve dollars he can devote to dhrink an' wan dollar to
th' line. Twelve times eight hiiudherd an' twelve times that well
'tis no small item in th' eoorse iv a year. Whin th' Hinivolent Aso
eyatinii iv Saloonkeepers holds its next meeting I'm goin' to propose
to siml dillygates to th' Young Ladies' Christyan Tiuiprance Union.
It ought to Ik what th' unions call an affilyatod organization."
"Oh, Well," said Mr. llonnexsy, "they think they're doln' what's
"Air'the.v'lirjre," said Mr. Dooley. "Ye'll not find me ilefiudiit'
th' sollin"Sv'llhrnik to anny man iiiinywhere. There's no wan that's
as much iv il'tiiiiprance man as a man that's been in my business fr
a year. I'd give up all th' fun T get out iv dhrinkiu' uiiiii to escape
th' throuble 1 hnve fr'm dlmmknrds. Drink's u poison. 1 don't deny
it. I'll admit I'm no lictthcr thin nn ordhiury doctor. Hoth iv us
gives yc something that cures ye iv th' idee that th' pain in ye'er chest
is pnoomony iv th lungs. If it really is pnooiuony ye go oil some
where 1111' lie down 1111' aycthcr ye cure ye'ersilf iv pnooiuony or th'
pnooinony cures ye iv life. Dhrink niver made 11 mail lietther, but
it hns innile iiiuimy 11 man think he was lietther. A little iv it lifts yo
out iv th' iiiikI where chance hns thrown ye; a little more miikes yo
think th' stnins on ye'er cont nr-re eppylets; n little more dhrops ye
back into th' mud iignin. It's a friml to thim that nr-re cold to it an'
an inimy to those that love it most. It welcomes thim in an' thrips
thim ns they go out. I tell ye 'tis 11 tltreacheroits dhrrigdtu' it oughtn't
to be given to ivry man. To get 11 dhrnnk a mnn'hifghf first to tx
exn'iiiincd lie his pnrish priest to sen whether ho needs it nif'how itV
goin' to affect him. F'r wan man he'd write nn'th' prescription 'Ad
oiL'litv-oiirht, IIOL'nn admitted that whin lie was eiirlit ears old lie
was th' licst debater in th' Brothers' school, nn' I recited a few iv me
advintiires lie flood an' field. To'rd iliveu o'clock soinewnn mentioned
th' denth iv Hill Hoggins, who passed nway durin' th' Mexican Wat,
nn' we had a good weep. A littlo later I noticed ye were broodin' over
something. Yo said nawthiu' f'r n while nu' thin ye got up nn' list
llogan if he mennt what he said to ye while ye were within' to start
on th' Patrick's day p'rade two years ago. At that th' good woman put
down her sewin' with an alarmed face an' sint ye oil to lied an' th'
party was over. Now what d'ye suppose ye'er wife thought nboiit
dhrink while this here game was goin' on ? If ye want to know, if ye
want to know why nearly all ladies ar-re timpranee rayformers, stay
soImt ye'ersilf some' night whin ye'er frinds are uiakiii' merry. He
hi vens, whin I close up this establishment iv a Saturdah night afther
me Ihmiii eonipanyons have started to grope f'r their varehous homes,
I feel like goin' down-town an' askin' to lie enrolled in the Young
Ladies' Tim'prancc Union. I do so.
"No, sir; th' ladies ar-ro not to blame. They've always thricd to
rayforiti.'niau, an' they haven't yet got onto th' fact that niaylie he's
not worth" rnyfonnin'. They don't uudhe rstiui' why a man sliud lw
allowed to pizeii hiinsilf into th' liclief that he amounts to something,
but thin they don't iiudhcrstaud man. They little know what a bluff
he is an' how tis on'y bo fortify in himilf with stuff that they regard
11s iv no use except to hum tiudher 11 tea-kettle that he dares to go on
liviu' At all. He knows how good dhrink makes him look to hiinsilf
an he dliriiiKs. 1 hey see how it makes nun iook to ivryiiody oio,
an' they want to take it away fr'm him. Whin he's solier his bluff is
on th' outside. Whin he's dhrnnk ho makes th' bluff to his own heart.
Dhrink turns him inside out ns well as upside down, an' while he's
congrntiilntiu' hiinsilf nu th' fine man he is th' neighbors know him
f'r a lsiaster, a cow'rd nn' somethiu' iv a liar. That th' ladies see an'
hate. They do not know that there is' wan thing an' on'y wan thing
to lie said in favor iv dhrink, an' that is that it has caused inaiiny n
lady to Iki loved that otherwise might've died single.''
"I hey re all right," said Mr. Ilennessy. "I'm against it
"Yos," said Mr. Dooley.
tioeu really against it."
"Anny man is against dhrink that's iver
rHS REWAHD IS TOft TIIO0E WHO HEAD AND ACT."
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45 IIIClftST AWAKDS IS IL'KOPE
ELECTION OF OFFICERS.
Waialua Soda Works, Limited.
At tin- Annunl MectliiR of the Wai
alua Hoda Worl.s, Mil., held Tub. L,
1907, thu followlnB oincvrH woie elcc-
tt-ri to itorvu fur thu ensuliiK jear:
President and Manager
H. H. Plemer
Vice President R.W.Holt
Treaturer Edw. Hore
Secretary John Little
Auditor C. J. Holt
The aboo to kit mi um tho Iluanl of.
Honolulu, l'Vb. 7, 1H07.
The regular Annua!
HtockholderH of the..
HUliAIl COMPANY w
the olllce of its ArbiiIs
& Company, Ltd.,
Tlutrbilny, Kehni.uy 2
i::30 p in.
Honolulu, Teh, C, 1
Meeting of the
111 he held at
Wm. O. Irwin
1st. lypT. at
MEETINO NOTICE. .
The reRiil.ir Annual MeetiiiK of the
Btockhulilem of the Oi.OWAl.U COM
PANY will he held at the olllio of ltn
AgentH, Wm. (1. Irwin & Coniiatiy,
Ltd., lloiiohilii. ThutKday, l'cbruury
2 1st, 1907, at 2 o'clock p. in.
Honolulu. lVli. G, 1907.
Hilo Sugar Company.
The regular Annual Meeting oCtho
HtockholderH of tho HILO SUOAK
COMPANY will 1 heia at the olllce
of Uh AKentH, Wm. O. Irwin & Com
iany, Ltd., Honolulu, on Tliuimlay,
I'ehruury 21t, 1907, at 10 o'clock
Honolulu. 1'eli. C, 1II07.
i:t.i:CTION 0.' OFFICKItS.
KWONCl yki: sociutV.
At (lie annual election held Decem
ber :'!, 190C, the follow lug olllce ra were
elected to nerve for tho vusulug year:
C. Wliinm 1'renldent '
Joeih (Ion Klui....Vlre President "
Willie An Wen Secretary
I Jiu Kim Yau.,Au8l8tnnt Secretary
Clilng lxo Treasurer
Chung Seen 'Auditor
Honolulu, Feb 4, 1907,
W1LI.IIJ AU WEN,
CHUNQ WAH LODQE, No. 4, K. of P.
Meets eery second ami last Tues
day evening of each mouth, at 7:30
Visiting lirothcrB are cordially Invit
ed to attend.
YAI' SEC YOUNO, C.C..
SAMUEL L. WC-NO, K.U S.
OF ALL KINDS.
Dulirt In Lumbir !nd Gopi
ALLEN A ROBINSON,
queen ST., :::::: 1; Honolulu.