Newspaper Page Text
WKSTEBN APPEAL PUBLISHING coaflpAKT.
8T. PATH,. MINN.
I met her In the summer by the loud-resound
And I thought it quite peculiar she should
waste hor time on me.
("When I begged an explanation she devoutly
bowed her head:
will tell you, youre a fellow after my own
heart," she said,
il assumed the post of suitor, as I thought It not
To have her think me more than kind, a little
less of kin,
jPor the fellowship of cousins, if they be of dif
Has forever been a trouble and I fear 'twill
I read to her from Byron in a tent pitched on
With the freedom of relationship, I often
pressed her hand
Or in a creaky, rattling gig joggled thro' the
While my sweetest of divinities shook out the
Till at last I looked upon her as a very tender
(Thus man's fellowship with cousins, if they're
I recalled to my remembrance from some closet
of my ac.ici.
"You're a fellow after my own heart," the
pretty witch she said.
Bo I marshaled all my feelings in a sentimental
And I quoted the expression to my second
But a neater, cooler answer mortal man will
"You still are after it, dear Jack you haven't
caught up yet."
What the Telephone Revealed to
John King lived thi-ee miles out of the
town of Stanton, in th country. was a
bright young fellow, who owned a pro
ductive farm, with all the stock his acres
could feed, and a pleasant old houseye
he found it hard to persuade pretty Martha
Carter to marry him. She liked himh
had coaxed that confession from her own
rosy lips, but she was young, gay, very
fond of society and the only child of a
widow it was th old lilt,
"I canna leave my mammy yet
and John King, who was ten times as much
In love with her as sho with him was
well-nigh distracted. A his Aunt Sophro
nia, a maiden lady who kept house for him
He ain't good for nothin'. I wish'the
was married an' done with't, and I was
safe back to Elnathan's. don't remem
ber nothin'. I se nd in to Stanton by him for
such things as is needful to keep tho house
agora', and he don't never fetoh one of
them, without I set to and give him a writ
out list and pin it onto hi3 ooat. Nor he
don't care nothin' about the crittersHira
has to do the hull on't and to leave costly
critters like them to hired help ain't what
a man had ought to do. Not but what i
is real reliable, but John don't take no
int'rest, not a mite!"
I was all true. John was good for no
so rt of work as long as Mary Carter turned
the cold shoulder to him but after a year
of persiste nt courting she began to show a
gentler countenance to her devoted lover
he begun to hope.
About th at time a telephone company set
up its office at Stanton, and sent its spider
threads all abroad over the surrounding
country and it struck John Stanton that
here was another way to make his home
attractive to Matty. this inventi on he
could establish communication every hour
with the village, even oftener if it was
jaeeded so that she need not be so separated
from her mother as she had dreadedMr s.
Carter being wise enough to refuse a home
with her son-in-law.
S John had a telephone put into the
*'keepin'-room" of the farm-house, and
told Mattio th very next Sunday night
that whenever she made up her mind to ac
cept him he would place one in her moth
er's parlor, so they could talk together
whenever they liked.
I was not so much this expensive atte n
tion that softened the little beauty'3 heart
as the proof it gave of John's eagerness to
do every thi ng and any thing for her com
fort or pleasure, and, as she was more ambi
tious and selfish than affectionate, she be
gan to feel that it was agreeable to be a
However, this is not a love story. Matty
Is only introduced to accou nt for the tele
phone. Now, about two miles beyond John
King there lived a family of Millers, con
sisting of two elder ly men, Aaron and
Joseph Miller, and a woman a little older
than either of them, as their housekeeper.
These men wore farmers, but they had
had thrown a dam across a wild brook that
crossed their farm just where it dashed
through a small, deep valley, and obtai n
ing a good water powe r, had built a grist
and saw mill, which brought them in more
money than all the rest of the farm.
Miss Sophron ia Perkins, John King's
aunt, whom we have already mentioned,
hated these neighbors thoroughlywha
reason or um*eason there was for this feel
ing on her part, nobo dy knew but there
was enough in the outward aspect of the
men to account for a rational measure of
dislike in any womanthe were tall, stur
fellows, dark of skin, rough, surly and
dirty alwayssting with their money, un
social in their manners, and the woman
who worked for them had an unsavory
The Miller farm, lying far back from the
high-road behind a black hemlock grove,
on a plateau half way up certain rugged
hills, was th so rt of a place a novelist
would select for a robbery or a murder, so
adapted was the raise en scene to suggest
such ideas, and so fit was the aspect of the
two Millers to their place of abode.
But there are many just such men and
Jnst such desolate farm-houses in New
England, and no crime worse than greed
and selfishness enters their hearts or
The Miller brothers were proverbial ly
"near"bu no one except Sophron ia Per
kins ever imagined any harm of them.
They wero "curus actin' creturs," or
'smart at sixpences"nothin worse was
laid to their charge.
When Aaron Miller heard that John
King had put in a telephon e, he saw di
rectly the advantage the instrument would
be to them their daily increasing busi
ness, and after due considerati on with Joe
the wire was extended to their mill, and
proved a daily convenience for they had a
flour and feed store in Stanton which
Joseph attended to, going in early every
morning and driving back at night. Now
he could send out orders to Aaron as soon
as they came in, notify him of the arrival
at the station of grain for their grindin g,
or transact direct ly any matter of busi
ness heretofo re necessarily delayed till he
reached the farm at evening.
After the telephone was put in at John
King's, Miss Sophronia found it a great
iolace to her loneliness, nightly enjoying
the few moments of daily gossip with her
friends in the village who happen ed to be
possessed of an instrument. I fact, it
was to her li ke a new toy 1o a solitary
child, and when the line was extended to
Millers'Mills, and she'learned their call,
8he used her listener for the unworthy
purpose of listening to her neighbors' af
I own th at this was neither an honest
or an honorable proceeding on Sophro
uia'a part I do not mean to apologize for
At, but as the papers say, there wer* "x-
I temratlng circumstances." She had never
been taught honor. I was not a recog
I nized virtue iu the farm-house where she
I was brought p. People who wrest their
Ldaily living from the barrenness of our
5aunt New England hill-sides do not Btudy
che loftier trait of manhood when they
have done their day's workan as for
honorable instinct, every man will allow
that is not inherent in a woman.
Then she was very lonelyan now that
John's gray horses were hitched every day
in front of Mrs. Carter's house she saw less
than ever not only of John, but of the hired
man, Hiram, who had double duty to do in
the master's absence, and went from his
supper to his bed quite too tired to talk.
There was a certain social consolation
on Mondays when black Dinah came to
washbu even Dinah had little to tell,
since her old shanty was nestled down in a
warm hollow on the south side of Huckle
berry Hill, quite off the high road. Tet
she was some one to speak toa item not
f.o be disregarded in such solitude.
I is not, after all, very strange that Miss
Sophronia, limited to five minutes' conver
sation with the few friends in Stanton who
had telephone s, should amuse herse'f by
hearing the conversations of the two Mil
lers, the growls of Aaron, the snarls of Jo
seph, and now and then the shrill interro
gations of Lyddy Ann Granger, the objec
Shocked reader 1 did you ever live in the
deep country on an isolated farm!
If not, you do not know what silence and
solitude are. Imagine a clean, sparsely
furnish ed house, where the ticking of the
old clock rasps your ear li ke a continuous
knell, where not one fly is allowed to buzz
his assiduous life out on the sunny panes
where the very cocks and hens are abroad
all day in the far fields, and the dog lies
asleep just inside the barn doorwher the
air is still as a windless lake, and the
chirr of a suddenly roused cricket makes
you jump or the swif t, ambiguous scurry
of a mouse somewhere in wall or wainscot
seems like the rush of a troop of horse to
the strained and apprehensive sense and
the rustle of your own garments sounds
like the trailing of ghostly rob es to the
tense earth shadow of a waving bough
3tartles the alert eye, and the roll of a pass
ing wagon, the rush of fluttering swallows
In the chimney, sou nd like peals of thunder,
and constringe the heart with th at elemen
Yes this telephone was a real social gos
pel to Sophronia, shivering and trembling
in her nervous loneliness if she had been
reared in such a place, use and want per
haps, would have strengthened her against
its terrors, but until John's mother died
she had always liv ed in her brother's fam
ily, and in his great house where ten chil
dren and a bustling wife made noise enough
through the round year to frighten the
very ghosts out of the garret, or the mice
out of the wall, and where the neighbors
were abundant and much given to visiting,
Sophronia had never been conscious of
nerves nor did she know these terrors
now as the resu lt of nervessh only con
fided to Hiram as she dealt out to him the
boiled dinn er which he shoveled down in
grim silen ce after the fashion of his kind:
"I do set a sight by that telephone thing
it's real company. I hev been gettin' real
pernickity along back, it is so dreadful
lonesome herebu now I do sense th at
the' is people pretty nigh, seei n' I can call
to'em it's folksy to hear th at little bell
go, *ping I' every now and then as though
somebody was there. Dina h, she is a'most
scared to death with it she says it is like
hearin' of a sper it talksam as Job says
in Scripter, when 'the hair of his head
stood up,' and he 'heard a voioo.' But then
he see the sperit first, and th at is more
fearsome. Dinah won't hark to it noway.
I can tell who 'tis every time. My! lean
hear Aaron Miller sna p, just as plain! and
Lyddy Granger bawl!"
"Be'n a-talkin' to 'em hev ye?" curtly
"No, I haven't! and I ain't agoin' to,"
responded Sophronia, sharply "bu they
spend the hull o' their time a-gabbin to and
fro. I shouldn't think there'd be no gri st
ground, neve r, to that mill. I can't take
the horn down to speak to nobody but what
they've got hold o' the wire first, and I
can't help a-hearin' of 'em holler
Hiram sh ot a keen glance at her from
under his bus y, grizzl ed eyebrowsh had
long ago taken her measure, and he knew
very well now how she had been amusing
herself but as he always said of himself
th at he "was one who made a fortin' mind
in' his own business," he offered no re
Shortly after this conversation John
King went away from home to atte nd a
sale of cattle in New Jerseyh expected
to be gone a week, as he meant to drive
home what animals he bought himself,
rather than send them by boat or railway,
which he considered was too great a risk.
The day he left a severe northeast storm
set in, and Hiram set himself to do some
work in the furth er barn, which he had
kept to do in a "spell of weather," so that
Miss Sophronia had not even the relief of
his occasional appearance in kitchen or
shed to beguile her solitude, her knitting
had* stopped for want of yar n, and she had
"pieced up" the last bit of calico she could
A she sat in the dull light of the kitchen
window, listening to the heavy rush of
rain against the house and the wild moan
of the wind shrieking in the spout, she
heard the telephone ring it was a joyful
sou nd to her tired and lonely soulsh
hurried to the instrument, took down the
listener, and hea rd Joseph Mills say:
"Say, Aaron! has he b'e doin' of it
"You bet I" growled Aaron.
"Well, I sha'n't coma out to-nightth
brook'U ba up 'crost the road, I presume
likely, and you won't grind none in this
"No the' a'n't no use of your comin'.
"Say, has she gone!"
"Went this morntn'."
"Good I you can fix him now I
"I guess so, by Jinks!"
Then the colloquy ceased.
Sophron ia hung up the listenera thrill
of horror run down her spinewha was
about to happen at the Mills?
She had read a great many "story-pa"1
pars," such as crowd our country post
offices and are scattered far and wide in
farms and villagespaper full of sensa
tion, of crime and adventure, of secret hor
rors suddenly revealed, of murders that
"will out, regardless of the unities so
dear to Mr Vincent Crummies, and her
weak brain had been fired with a vague,
delightful, yet dreadful hope of experienc
ing some such reality. Here was her
chance! I did occur to her on ce that she
ought to interfere, to try and prevent a
catastrophebu it rained hard, the horses
were gone, and what could she say to any
legal official, even if she should reach one?
A brief spasm of sense rescued hersh
only went about, as she expressed herself,
"Goose-flesh all over," the rest of the day
having no living soul to confide in for the
great Cheshire boar had managed to break
out of his stye early that forenoon and
Hiram had to pursue him as best he might,
or did he return till two o'clock in the
morning, even then without his pig: though
he had driven it at last into a neighbor's
barn by the seductive and odorus influence
of certain early apple s, irresistib le to any
pig of character.
Sophron ia passed a troubled nigh*. Her
past enjoyment of the "penny dreadfuls"
visited her now in the tangle of dreams,
and whenever she woke it was to a shud
deri ng recollection of Aaron Miller's savage
voice and the impending fate of the un
known "he," But morning came at las t,
still drea ry with howling winds and gusts
of rain. Hiram had risen early, taken a
cold bite and gone after his pigan So
phronia, in the fashion of lonely women,
made her scant breakfas t, standing at the
pantry shelf, of tea and bread and butter,
watching through the green-paned little
window befo re her the draggled fowls pick
ing their slew way through the wet mire of
the barn-yard, uttering discomfit ed croaks
about the weather, much like their fellow*,
the unfeathered bipeds. Suddenly the
telephone rang: cup and saucer, bread and
butter, fell from her hands. She made
haste to seize the horn.
Within her ear the inevitable "Hullo I"
That you, Aaron!",- S.
"Tain't nobody else.'*
Litt le he knew that Sophronia heard It
"Well, have you did itt
"Yes. He's done for."
"Where did you find him!"
"Snoopin' arou nd the mill, as pop'lar aa
though he was inspect or of b'ilers."
"Haw, haw 1 What done with the re
"They're deep! enough where nobo dy
won't find 'em this hundred year."
"Hml that's good."
Sophronia dropped the hornsh stiffened
with horror here was. a fearful murder
right in the neighborhood! But then she
had always expected it, or something li ke
it, of those Miller's. While she stood con
sidering, Hiram drove into the yard in a
neighbor's wagon, the Cheshire boar lying
ignominiously bound therein, squealing
with all his piggish might. Hiram backed
up against the stye, which he had rein,
forced at early dawn, and deft ly slid Mas
ter Piggy over the tail-board, cutting his
bonds as he helped him along, for well he
knew the danger of setting such a captive
free too soon.
had just fihished the risky proceeding
when Sophronia appeared at the shed dooi
with her apron over her bead.
"H-i-raml" she screamed. "I want
to wait a minute! I'v got to go in to Stan,
ton. I must, right off. Won't Barber 's
folks let keep the team a spell?"
"I guess so," was the gruff response.
knew perfectly well that he had bor
rowed the team to go to Stanton himself
and get a scythe-snath. Such is man I
All the way Sophron ia preserved an aw
ful silencesh fe lt the magnitude of the
situation and revolved her plans in her
mind. What she did when she reached
Stanton, aft er receiving proper advice in
the matte r, need not be detailed. I fact,
I don't know what she did But the very
next morning Aaron and Joseph Miller
were arrested on a charge of murder, and
were brought befo re the proper authorities
for prelimina ry examination.
There was Sophronia, too, who with much
excitement and many, needless words, de
poned and testified to what she had heard
on the telephonea grim smile distorted
Aaron Miller's face, and Joseph muttered,
"The old fool 1" under his breathbu it
was only muttered, so Sophronia did not
Judge Stopcock was the model of a rur al
magnate fat, red in the face, pompou s,
crowned with a sleek, brown wig, sJhd a
tall shiny hat, tilted slightly askewh ad
ministered justice much as Mrs Squeers
administer ed brimstone and treacle, se
verely with a spoon. Throwing his head
back, clasping his hands over his stomach,
closing his eyes and pursing up his mouth
he began his queries.
"And you, hum, theah, prisonerswha
have you to offer as, hum, aw, rebuttal of
Miss, ha Perkins' statement?" Here he
opened his eye suddenly, and darted a
judicial glare at the offenders.
"Nothin' 1" growled Aaron. I done it.
And with a delicious girli sh scream a
pretty, rosy, curly-head ed girl rushed
across the court-room, and flung her arms
areund Aaron Miller's necksh had just
come in at the door.
"He never I" she sobbed, addressing as
tounded Judge Stopcock with courageous
scorn. "He never! he's the best and kind
est and dearest man in the world."
Miss Sophronia prepared to faint.
"You shut up, Fan!" said Aaron, with a
perempto ry voice and a tender smile.
"Go ahead, Jedgel I killed 'him,'and I
buried him! now I want the hull caboodle
of to come along and dig him up so's to
hang me right off slick and not bea-makin'
no more fuss about it. Joe, did you send
arter the team!"
"Yea-ah!" responded Joseph, with a
wink, an undeniable wink 1 at the deputy
sheriff, a bullet-headed Irishman, who had
regarded the whole proceeding up to this
ti me with subdued chuckles, as an exquis
Now Mike roared aloud with laughte r.
"Silence!" shrieked the outraged Judge,
growing redder than a turkey-cock.
"Well, coma along," went on Aaron
"there's Slack's omnibus out of the door,
and I want the hull posse commonatus to
come out an dig him up as I said afore
tlfl&re's spade's enough out there."
"Ye can han'cuff me and Joe, if you
This was a singular and improper pro
ceeding, and the judge snorted and puffed
a good de al about it but in a rustic com
munity the majority is apt to have its way,
and nobody there believed Sophronia's
accusati on for an instant. Curiosity and
rude justice swept the proprieties and
Judge Stopco ck into the corner.
Mike volunteered to sit between the
prisoners with an arm locked in each of
thei rs on either side, and Fanny Mannin g,
an orphan nie ce of the Millers, whom they
had liberally supported and educated for
the last five years, sat next her uncles.
Sophronia, too, went alongn prohi
bition of law or gospel would have de
terred ho now the- finale of this tragic
business was at hand.
S judge, and sheriff, and prisoners, and
wituess, and as many of the crowd as could
find room in the "omnibus," bowled away
that calm September day to Miller s' Mills,
the women for once silent, the men talk
ative, so reversed for the time were their
"Mis' Granger to hum?" asked the deputy
"No, she ain't," replied Josoph"she'
gone for good 'n all. W hadn 't an idee
what so rt of a piece she was till last week,
though she's liv ed there nigh about three
year. She done well by us, an kep' her
tracks covered up goodbu murder will
out. Case in p'int here, see."
Mike Flaherty choked down alaugh.
So Aaron, he giv' her a walkin' ticket
last week, and writ for Fan to come home
to her old uncles and run the house, seein'
she was fit an prepared to leave school.
That's why she's here and Lyddy Ann, she
quit day befo re yesterday."
Iu half an hour they drew up at the
Mills, and Aaron, directing them where to
find spades, led the awed and curio us
crowd right into the center of a cornfield,
among the stacked harvest, and, pointing
to a place where the sharp stubble and use
less hills had been cleared away, said:
How rapidly those spades were plied!
how eagerly the little crowd watched fo i
some startling discovery 1 how they all re
coiled and oh! how Mike Flaherty yelled
with laughter when the busy spades re
vealed the stiff body of a great yellow oat!
"'Twas Lyddy Ann's Tommy," explained
Joe. "She sot the world by him and he
sot all creation by ur little ray my chicks
but she wouldn't let nobo dy teach him so
as soon as she cleared out Aaron give him
is sendan that's the hull on't."
"It is a lesson to the inquisitive female,"
said Judge Stopcock, again elevating hia
nose and shutting his eyes. '_ lesson
eminently needed by the sex to avoid lis
tening surreptitiously, and passing un
instructed judgment on the conduct of the ii
darted a piercing glance at Sophro
niabu she was gone. Her tragedy had
vanished in thin airth chorus of laughter
with which the by-standers greeted the
body of Thomas, the cat, stung her to the
soul. She sneaked off across the lots to
John's house, and the next day departed to
the bosom of her brother's family, murmu r
ing to herself:
"What made him call a eat 'He!'"
While Hiram, pini ng for pie and dough
nu ts in the void interim before John's mar
riage, more than once exclaimed to the re
gardless oxen, whom he lashed by way oi
"Blast them telephones!" Tm%
Cooks, in JIT. Y.Ind*pmdtnL
Y''3uWhat Discovered. Wi^f
A handsomely dressed young woman
sntered a crowded street-car. A long
whiskered old fellow, wearing a dingy
alouch hat and a suit of homespun
slothes, got up and said:
"Miss, take my seat. I don't look
as well as these here gentlemen''nod
ding at several men-"but I've diskiv
ered that Pre got more politeness."
The young woman sat down without
thanking the old fellowand slyly
Winking at a woman whom she knew,
"How do you like gallant country
loosier? Don't you think he would
cut quite a shine in a dime museum?"
"Miss," said the old fellow with a
smile which clearly bespoke his un
consciousness of the unladylike ridicule,
I b'leve I left pooketbook thar on
that seat. Will you please git a
The young woman got up. The old
fellow sat down, and, stroking his
"B'level'U jest keep a setlin'
here, miss. I stood so much at the
dime museum just now that I'm sorter
tired. I've got a leetle more politeness
than these here gentlemen, but I have
diskivered that I ain't got nigh so much
sense." Arkansaw Traveler.
"The tree of deepest root, is found lea st
willing to quit the ground." S fr.ends and
citizens, don't at neuralgia and rheumatism
get rooted in th system, but kill with
Salvation Oil, tb a greatest cu re on earth
for pain. For sale by all druggists at
twenty-five cents a bottle.
If you cannot inspire a woman with love
for you, fill above the brim with love for
herself. All that runs over will be yours.
Would you know the keen delight
Of a wholesome appetite,
Unrestrained by colic's dire,
Headache's curse, or fever's fire,
Thoughts morose, or icy chills!
Then use Dr. Pierce's pills.
Dr. Pierce's Purgative Pelletsthe origi
nal and only genuine Little Liver Pills 25
cents a vial.
THB belief prevails that Henry Pedre,
whose dead body was found in his barn in
Pipestone county. Minn., a few days ago
was murdered in his hou se and the body
taken to the barn which was then set on
Aclergvman, after years of suffering
from that loatl some disease Catarrh, and
vainly trying evi known remedy, ac la-t
found a prescript on which comple *l
cur ed aud saved him from deatb. Any suf
ferer ii this or adful duea^e sending a
self addressed s'amp tiv lope to Prof. J.
A Lawr nee, 212 Hast9th St., New York,
will receive the recipe free of charge.
Talents are matured be st in solitude,
character in tempestuous sea.Goethe.
Much Needed Reform
I the condition of a disorderly or torpid
hver is no sooner instituted by Hostetter's
Stomach Bitters, than the headaches, pai ns
in the right side, yellowness of the skin, fur
upon the tongue, and constipation, which
accompany this malady, take their depart
ure. Dyspepsia, also, twin brother of bil
iousness, vacates the ranch. Kidney trou
bles, malarial affections and nervous com
plaints also succumb to the Bitters.
Happiness is a ball, after which we run
and we push it with our feet when it stops.
025.00 Mardi-Gras Festival Tl a Monon."
This means that the MONON ROUTE will
have ticke ts on sale February 6t to 12th.
Chicago to New Orlea ns and return at 525.00
for the round trip choice of routes via either
Cincinnati or Louisville. Good returning
until March 1st, 1888. sure your tickets
read via MONON ROUTE and visit the repre
sentative cities, and historical portions of
the South route. Address E O. McCoit-
MICK, G. A., or-eall.at 73 Clark St., Chicago.
Educate men without religion and you
ma ke them but clever devils.Duke of
No Opium in Piso's Cure for Consump
tion. Cures where other remedies fail. 25c.
The generous heart should scorn a pleas
ure which gives others pain.Thompson.
Mervea.Everyone of the thread-like nerves
has each a latent power to cause excruciat
ing pain, the limit of which is simp ly the
limit of human endurance, and NEURALG IA
has a few of these fibrous torments all puls
ing painfully at once.
Subtile Pain.Nothing is so subtile in its
approach nothi ng so flagrant, acuta and
distressing, and certainly nothing yet dis
covered so completely subdues its ravages
and so permanently conquers its pangs as
that above mentioned.
Symptoms.Neuralgia is defined to be a
nerve disease, the chief symptom of which
is an acute pain, intermitting, which fol
lows the course of the nerve branch affected.
Treatment.Apply S T. JACOBS OIL frequent
ly, gentlv rubbing the afflicted parts apply
to the who le extent of the nerve soreness
keep up a gentle friction until a burning
sensation is produced.
8old by Druggists and Dealers Even/where.
THE CHARLES A. V0GELER CO Baltimore. Md,
THE Original Land Leaguethr ee miles.
THB worst of the blowhardsthe blizzard
SP OT cashthat won on an ace-hi gh
I is the man who will get in front of bars
who eventually gets behind them.V
WHEN a hare suddenly becomes frightened
he Btands on end.Puck.
BEHIND timethe back of the clock.
A OBOWiNO sentimentbusiness is busi
.v THB be st corn remoer
linjton Frte Press. -the crow.Bur-
I is the hay day of youth when the old
man forks over liberally. Boston Youth.
LAWXXB3 are always ready to bring new
suits. Tailors are notiT. 0. Picayune.
A NOBTH O ENGLAND ferryman has the
crown, no cross!"
come hig h,m but we must" have
LEAP YEABM an poses and woman pro
THE tonsorial artist who colors whiskers
gets BO much per dye 'em.- Texas Hifthigs.
A "CHUCK" steak is to beef, so is con
science to manthe toughest v&rbTid
MINT a hotel that has opened with eclat
has been Bubseqaently closed by the sheriff.
A AD signan illegible signature.-.
A BTSONQHOLDt he Bull-dog's. Puck
A SELE CT affaira first-class oyster stew.
A Bio cable-pooltheaAtlanticisumt HSABTUX ashamed sensitive glton
A Cure for Cold Feet.
"Those are not heavy enough for
me. I suff er so much from the cold
that I must have the heaviest and
warmest hosiery I oan buy."
"It is very foolish to suff er from that
cause, and very unnecessary, too,"
returned the salesman, who was en-
deavoring to persuade a Mail and Ex-
press reporter to boy a pair of summer
weight socks for winter wear.
1 will give you a simple remedy
that is certain to cure if you will give it
a fair triad."
"Before you retire to-night bathe
your feet in water at a temperature of
about 8 0 degrees. Hold them in the
water ten minutes. Repeat this i the
morning. The next day make the wa-
ter 5 degrees colder, until it reaches
3 8 degrees. When you find you can
stand that keep it for a fortnight or
so and you will never be troubled with
the cold again."
I have tried it myself and recom
mended it to about a hundred other
sufferers and it has succeeded
time. It's worth while trong."-
Our Sifting Process.
First immigrantI a a clergyman.
I received a call from a Brooklyn
church, and came here to fill it
"Imported contract labor is against
the law. You will be shipped back by
the next steamer. What are you?
Second immigrantI a a social
evangelist. I teach people how to mako
bombs to throw into the ball-rooms of
"Did you contract to teach anybody
before you started?"
"No, I came off iiT a hurrygo
caught in a dynamite scrape and had to
"Welcome! Welcome to free America
the home of the oppressed. Handle that
bag of bombs carefully.
A man who fell at the corner of
Lamed street and Woodward avenue
recently arose and began to swear most
fearfully. I appeared to occur to him
suddenly that this was not exactly prop-
er, for, turning to a bystander, he
Excuse my French."
"O, that's all right," said the person
addressed" I see how it isIc 'on
parle Francais.' "Detroit Free Press.
Is one of the many disagreeable symptoms of
dyspepsia. Headache, heartburn, sour stomach,
faintness and capricious appetite are also caused
by this very widespread and growing disease.
Hood's Sarsaparllla tones tho stomach, creates an
appetite, promotes healthy digestion, relieves the
headache, and cures the most obstinate cases of
dyspepsia. Read the following:
I have been troubled with dyspepsia. I had but
little appetite, and what I did eat distressed me, or
did me little good. In an hour after eating I would
experience a faintness or tired, all-gona feeling, as
though I had not eaten anything. Hood's Sarsapa
rilla did me an immense amount of good. It gave
me an appetite, and my food relished and satisfied
the craving I had previously experienced. It re
lieved me of that faint, tired, all-gone feeling. I
have felt so much better since I took. Hood's Sar
saparilla, that I am happy to recommend it." Q. A
VAQE, Watertown, Mass.
N. B. Bo sure to get only
Sold by all druggists. $1 six for $5. Prepared only
by C. 1. HOOD & CO., Apothecaries, Lowell, Mass.
100 Doses On Do!l?r
OQO gSYMPTOMS OF rJATARRH.
Dull, heavy headache, obstruction of the nasal passages, dis
charges falling from the head into the throat, sometimes pro
fuse, watery, and acrid, at others, thick, tenacious, mucous,
purulent, bloody and putrid the eyes are weak, watery, aiTd
inflamed there is ringing in the ears, deafness, hacking or
coughing to clear the throat, expectoration of offensive matter,
together with scabs from ulcers the voice is changed and has
a nasal twang the breath is offensive smell and taste are im
paired there is a sensation of dizziness, with mental depression,
a hacking cough and general debility. However, oo iy a few of
the above-named symptoms are likely to be present in any one
case. Thousands of cases annually, without manifesting half of
the above symptoms, result in consumption, and end in the
grave. N disease is so common, more deceptive and dangerous,
less understood, or more unsuccessfully treated by physicians.
mild, soothing, and healing properties,
DR. SAGE'S CATARRH REMEDY
CUBES THB WOBST CASES OF
Catarrh, "Cold in the Head," Coryza, and Catarrhal Headache.
8pLD BY VBTTGGISTS EVERYWHERE.
&**#*.--.*.. *t.*..^ ^T
Tne Attack to be Xtenewea.
Toung manI love your daughter
sir, devotedly. May I hope for a bless^
ing from you?.
Old manHave you spoken to
daughter upon the subjeet?
Young manYe3, and she refused
Old manWell, doesn't that settle
Young manNo, sir You forget
that I a a life-insurance agent and
never take no for a answer.New
A S A NERVE TONI
BEING ENTIREJLlf VEGETABLE, Pierce's Pellets operate witliont disturbance the system,
diet* occupation. Pat i glass vials, hermetically sealed. Always fresh and reliable. A a
LAXATIVE, AliTEHATIVE, PURGATIVE, these little Pellets give the most perfect satisfaction.
Bilious Headache, Dizziness, Con
stipation, Indigestion, Bilious
Attacks, and all derangements of the
stomach and bowels, are promptly relieved
and permanently cured by the use of Dr.
Pierce's Pleasant Purgative Pellets. I ex
planation of the remedial power of these
Pellets over so great a variety of diseases,
it may truthfully be said that their action upon the system is
universal, not a gland or tissue escaping their sanative influence.
Sold by druggists, for 25 cents a vial. Manufactured at the Chem
ical Laboratory of WostD's DISPENSARY MEDICAL ASSOCIATION,
FOR A CASE OF CATARRH WHICH THEY CAN NOT CURE.
For The Nervous
ache.Neuralgia, Nervous Weakness,
Stomach and Liyer Diseases, and all
affections of the Kidneys.
and Quiets the Nerves. ouwugwieni.
A?. A N ALTERAIVE, It Purifies and
Enncnes the Blood.
orely, on the Bowels.
TIC, It Begulates the Kid,
neys and Cures their Diseases.
Recommended by professional and businessmen.
Pnce$i.oo. Sold by druggists. Send for circulars.
WLL$, RICHARDSON & CO., Proprietors.
A torpid liver deranges tlie wtiole sys
tem, aud produces
Dyspepsia, Gostiveness, Rheu
matism, Saflow Skin and Piles.
There i better remedy for these
common diseases tnan Tutt's Liver
JPills, a a trial will prove. Price, 25c.
This Shoe is warranted FfranratOaalttrtavTeryreipeet,4t
Very Stylish. Perfect Fit.. Plain
Boys' and Yonths'COSQBISSBOTTOIAHDI
dealer/orX'ABGO'SS&WSHOI. If hedoesnott
send to ua,and we will tarnish yon a pair. Express said.
on receipt oi *&50. IL FARGO A CA CkUaa*
arNAME mm rirrn MMJ iimjwii
PU,inToe madTipped. Men**.
K8 BOTTOM ASPUrfcArtyOgg
Ifcemost Eleeant Blood Purifier, Liver Invigoru
tor, Tonic and Appetizer ever known. The fiat
Bitters containing Iron ever advertised i a America.
Unprincipled persons axe imitating the Eitme took
out for frauds. See that
the following signature
is on every oottis and
take none other:
"WITHOUT STEAM POWER
BT USING O0TFIT9 OP
BARNES' PATENT FOOT POWER
Machinery can compete with
steam power. SOLD ON TRIAL.
Metal and woodworkers send for
prices. Illastr'd catalogue free.
W. F. &JOHN BARNES CO..
Address N 9^S^SS'lUm
3-NAMK THIS PAPER mj m yon *rtt.
Jever printed. Cheapest
d&best SEEDS grown.
SQardenert trade a a
Packets only Zc
Cheap as dirt, by oz. A lb.
wr lOOOOUpkts new extras frea.
3P NAME TH13 PAPER TJ tin* i miu.
will positively euro rheumatism when
everything else on earth fails. It
taken internally, and cures quickly and
thoroughly without ruining the atom*
ach. Fr!cc one dollar a bottle or
)lx bottle* for five dollars. Sold
by all druggists. Send for free 40-page
Pamphlet to 1IEUJK$.
STrWE, Druggist, WASHINGTONJ.G
tST HAMJE TUTS PAPER *nry ttea joa mtu.
the thousands a Win
ter Suite, Overcoats, Fur
Trimmed. Pur Lined and
Fur Coats, Fur Caps, Gloves, Mitts, Robes,
Blanket s, Heavy Underwear, Hosiery, etc.
etc., at the Bi Boston, Minneapolis. W
have cut everything flat down. How are
full Nutr ia Trimmed Coon Coats for 820.
Send us a sample order and see what we will
do for you.
BUY Roof's orrno
Northern GROW N OttUd
on want a good garden. Illustrated
ricelJst JPree. Prices reduced.
T. XLooliSc Co., Hockford, tu
NAME THIS PATB traj Hot jn nitt.
Your hoys and girls
8 5 cents to XL I XLAT
IXGS, 4 9 Cornhill, BOSTON, MASS., for a copy of
"FIRESIDE READINGS FOB HAPPY HOMES.'' or
Bend 20 cents iu stamps for the best Family paper
in the country, Illustrated. 3 months on trial.
BEWARE OF IMITATIONS!
Always ask for Dr. Pierce's Pellets, or Little
Sugar-coated Granules or Pills.
PBOFTT and SAMTOBS FBKB
~_- Tr to men canvassers tor Dr. nWatt'e
UX'Jjl 1 Genuine Electrio Belts. Bmskes,
etc. Lady accents wanted for Electrio Corsets. Quick
sales. Writeforterms. Dr.8cott,652Broadway,.y.
NAME THIS FAPSS nortlBMTOttnltt.
ORS and BROODERS. QreaUjr
gi'i'n improved for 1888. Send five 1
stamps for handsome ILLUSTRATED CAIA-
LOQUE. CHAMPION MFG. CO.,Qulner iniols.
to- NAME TUI3 PAPER Tery time you ito.
STUDY. Book-keeping, Penmanship, Arith*
metic, Shorthand, etc., thoroughly taught
by mail. Circulars free. BRYAKTBCOLLEGE. BaSkU,I.T.
NJJIi THIS FAP& TeTTtlmtyouiRit*.
Lirefithome and makemoramoney workinfora*tfeas
list anything cite in the world. Either sex CottlyoatsS
S.KEE. Terms FSKE. Addreu, TBUK& Co., Augusts, Mela*.
-HA&US Oiii VATtU naj timejou write.
A N K.--G. 1173
WHEN WRITING O ADVERTISERS
please state that you saw the Advertise*
ment in this paper.
LITTLE LIVER PILLS,
WILLIAM RAMIC H, Esq., of Minden. Kearney Countu.
Nebraska, -writes: I was troubled with boils Xar
thirty years. Four years ago I was BO afflicted wi th
them that I could not walk. I bought two bottle*
of Dr. Pierce'o Pleasant Purgative Pellets, and took
the house all the fame."
Pellet' after each meal, till all were gon e.
that time I had no boils, and have had none since. I have also
been troubled with sick headache. When I feel it coming on
relinvori at 6h1o& hoailaiih.il7ebSjia I take one or two 'Pellets,'^ and "ami relieved'o?
Mrs. O. W BROWN, of Wapakoneta, Ohio,
say s: "Your 'Pleasant Purgative Pellets' are
without question the best cathartio ever
sold. They are also a most efficient remedy
for torpor of the liver. W have used them
for years in our family, and keep them in
Prof. W HATTSNEB, the famous metme*
ist, of Ithaca, N. F., writes: "Some tea
years ago I suffered untold agony from
chronic nasal catarrh. family physi
cian ga ve me up as incurable, and saral
must die. case was such a bad one
that every day, towards sunset, my voice would become so bouse
I could barely speak above a whisper. I the morning my coug h
ing and clearing of my throat would almost strangle me. Bythe
use of Dr. Sage's Catarrh Remedy, in three months, I was a well
man, and the cure has been permanent."
THOMAS RITSHINO, Esq- toot ptne Street,
St. Louis, Mo^ writes: I was a great *u
ferer from catarrh for three yean. A
times I could hardly breathe, and was oodZ
stantly hawking and spitting, and for the
last eight months could not breathe throuatk
the nostrils. I thought nothing cocud Ba
doe for me. Luckily, I was advised to tr
Dr. Sage's Catarrh Remedy, and I am now a well nf S
lieve it to be the only sure remedy for catarrh now n.r,,,^ i:
tured, and one has only to give it a fair trial to esnertanm
astounding results and a permanent cure."
ELI ROBBIHS, Runyan P. 0
THBE E BOTTLE S I r^^&28S *K
CUB E CATARRH I Srfo8aciah
A I S?
a permanent cure.
very badly. I saw
that it helped her a third bottle effeoted
She is now eighteen yean old aaA swaMI