OPPOSED TO LOAFERS.
A Whisky Sonic Who llollovcdln tho
ItlKhts of Jjtibor.
"I still insist on 1113' views on tho
eight hour question," remarked a man
with a seedy suit of clothes and a bad
ly torn hat, as ho assumed an oratori
cal position at tho bar.
"No one here has doubted them,"
answered the Court, as he took oil his
"But the ofliccr interrupted me just
as I was about to finish my argument
and cast me into a vile dungeon," in
dignantly added the prisoner.
'lie says that you were drunk, and
that you kicked a banana peddler in
the shins," said the Court.
,4I deny tho allegation!"
"And, of course, you defy the allega
tor?" observed the Court.
"I do, sir; most emphatically! Why
sir, I was not drunk! Whenever I
speak of the oppressing greed of capi
tal as opposed to tho rights of 'the
laborer, my blood begins to boil, and
my feelings cany me away! Capital,
sir, is a monster that will yet destroy
labor unless the latter organizes, and
hurls back tho Goulds and VanderbilU
with their bloated millions, and "
"Hold on my friend!" interrupted
tho court. But the man at the bar was
excited and Hinging his arms around
wildly yelled: "Down with organized
capital; down with the vampires who
live oil the earnings of the
"Exactly, sir, I admire your lan
guage," said the judge, "and also the
sentiment's contained in it."
"I am filled with the wrongs of the
"I am forced to say that from tho
affidavit it appears that yesterday you
were filled with soul destroying liquor."
"It was tho excitement of the occa
"The affidavit further says you broke
a window in a saloon!"
" was gesturing.!"
"Precisely! And tho barkeeper is
willing to swear that you hit him with
a rock hen he suggested that you pay
for forty-five cents' worth of" drinks
that you had ordered."
"I merely told him to wait."
"Of course. And the 'policeman has
a bill for $5.85 for damages to a dress
coat which he will lile against you."
"All his own fault, sir. We working
men have undeniable rights which even
policemen must respect. 1 spared him
because ho represented the law. I
could have crushed liim!"
"See here, my friend! You have
been howling about workingmen's
rights for some time. What do you do
for a living?"
"I I I that is you see "
"Out with it, sir!"
"Well I ain't employed just now. I
have been unfortunate!"
"How long have you been er unfor
tunate?" "Well, let me see. Tn 1884 I had the
rheumatiz for eleven months. In 1885
tho dumb ague tackled mo, and never
let go for ten months. Since then I
have been fighting malaria."
"Sure it is malaria?"
"Oh, jres; I have the statements of
six physicians that it is malaria."
"Couldn't it be whisky?"
"No sir! It was malaria!"
The court put on its spectacles, and
after figuring a minute with his pencil,
"After mature deliberation I am
forced to tho conclusion that you arc a
"Mo, sirP I am a Knight of Labor."
"You are a fraud! Yoii are a Knight
of Loaf! And I am going to put you
"What, put you to workP"
"No, J meant don't send me up?"
"Fall back, you labor champion, and
taste tho sweet fruits of hard labor on
the rock pile."
"You arc in league with tho monop
olists! You are opposed to labor as
"I am opposed to loafers. Fall back
and wait for the chariot that will con
vey you to the Homo for Snide Labor
"I'll have you boycotted."
"Too late, sir. Tho sentence to-day
will be three months. The next time
this Court will make it double." And
after ho was taken down tho turnkey
ohalkcd "John Wilson, booze fighter,
80 50," on his cell door.CinctMiaU
San Francisco Stock-Gambling.
I am confident that tho romance of
stock-gambling will never bo written,
writes a San Francisco correspondent of
The Sacramento lice. Life hero is too
rapid, too pushing for men to pause
and reflect on that curious "has been"
of San Francisco. But I never stroll
down Pino street, or linger in tho shad
ows of Pauper alley, but I meet some
one who would bo entitled to a place in
tint unwritten romance. Tho tall fig
ure, a face clean cut and refined, gait
flow and painful from tho effect of an
old wound, is before mo as I write,
James D. Walker ten years ago was a
member of tho bonanza firm, and his
check was good for $500,000, aye, or
1,000,000, at any bank in tho country.
Then Flood and jj'air bought him out,
and Walker opened a broker's office
under the Nevada bank, and did all tho
business of his former partners. In
these times Flood, Fair, and Mackcy
were on the top notch of speculation.
Thejf were swinging the market at their
own sweet will, and making oibreak
ing the thousands who were battling
with the fierce tide of stock-gambling.
Alexander Austin, or "Sandy," as his
feiends used to call him, had just served
his term as tax collector, and went in
with Walker. How they did make
things boom! The high-salaried clerks
the book-keeper got $400 a month,
and had a sumptuous lunch served ev
ery day in a large room in the rear of
the oilice at the expense of the firm.
Their expenses wore enormous, but so
was their business. The partners were
clearing $20,000 a month, but they were
standing on tho brink of a preci
pice. Flood remarked that other
and outside brokers were manip
ulating certain stock precisely
as his own brokers. This would never
do, so he called a consultation, and in
formed the Walker firm that sort of
thing would not do, that there was a
traitor in the camp somewhere, and
that, unless he was detected and fired,
their relations could not continue.
Close and earnest investigation was
made, but without avail. Then came a
transaction of more than ordinary im
portance, but to the intense disgust oi
the bonanza firm, it was apparently
foreseen and anticipated by these same
outside brokers, kept posted, apparent
ly, by some traitor in the Walker-Austin
camp.- Then the bonanza people
changed their broker, and from that
hour the fortunes of Walker & Co., be
gan to decline. Matters grew worse
and worse. Austin committed suicjde.
Walker sold a magnificent mansion in
Oakland which cost him close on $500,
000, to prop up the waning glory of the
swell firm. At last it was a clean case
of bust, and I don't believe Mr. Walker
to-day could put his hand on $200. J
saw him looking wistfully at the Nevada
bank building, probably comparing the
different states of Flood, the member,
and Walker, the ex-member, of the
bonanza firm. He discovered, when too
late, that the high-priced book-keeper
was the traitor. He sold his employers,
but no luck ever came of his treachery,
and he is to-day keeping books at $50
a .month for a Hebrew clothes-dealer in
Walker is but a type of hundreds of
others who have had their, chance and
their day on Pine street. With .a
strange fatuity those wrecks still cling
to the locality where they made and
lost fortunes in the past, though nine
tenths of them have not a dime to
speculate with, and could not get credit
for a glass of lager, when their names
a decade ago were sufficient guarantee)
for a dozen or fifty dozen cases of
chamuagnc. A few have pulled oui
with a small stake, and there are some
there on the street yet who havealittlo
money, and would speculate if they
saw an opening, and not a few fanatic'
who await the coming of the Messiah
the discovery of another great bonanza.
Advent of the Mosquito.
On fleetest wing tliou sure linst cornel
Last eve 1 heard the song thou sung;
I scarce had thought thy season due;
As soon I'd meet an untamed shrew.
A follow feels ns he would die
Phlebotomized by a Spanish ity
Oh, no; not the'ilv eantharldes,
But the fly mosquito, if you please.
Of nil the ills that flesh is heir to,.
Fone there are that can compare to
This buzzing, singiug, stinging creature
I his horrid, nanguinary skeetcr.
Thou comrtst e'er the soul to vex,
Thou Insectivorous Culex.
GoodalVe Daily Sun.
HOW TO SELL JEWELRY.
Women Sulci To I Jo a Hard lot to Deal
A Main street jeweler says that ho
finds the women a hard lot to deal
with in some respects, while in others
they arc very desirable customers. 4,lf
a man buys a $10 watch and finds that
it gets two or three minutes out of tho
way in course of timo ho comes back
and wants to dynamite tho store. A
woman buys a watch for its looks, and
if it is five or ten minutes out of tho
way she doesn't care. Sho would pre
fer not to have it stop altogether,
though. Now and then a school ma'am
comes in hero and shows quito a mas
culine desire to have a good time
keeper, but she is an exception. Then
it is hard for a woman to make up her
mind about a purchase anyway. Isold
a fine gold watch to a woman yester
day," continued tho merchant, "after
she had been in certainly ten times to
look over my stock. Since sho started
out on her search she had been to every
store in the city. I know she had. She
was accompanied on her last visit by a
male friend, who advised for my watch.
Sho kept mo all through my supper
hour, but of course she didn't think of
that and 1 was satislied. Sometimes
we have to resort to little tricks of
trades. Two women came in here the
other day and said they had an hour in
which to buy a clock for their pastor.
1 showed them a beautiful French
clock worth $7o. The price was about
right, but they couldn't be satisfied so
easily, and were for starting out on a
tour of inspection. I took the clock to
pieces, showed them the works,
explained the mechanism, and got
them so interested that they forgot how
the time was Hying; the hour went by,
they did not havo time to look further,
and were well satisfied to buy the clock.
The secret of successful selling is al
ways to be courteous and interested in
your customers. Jn no business is this
so important as in ours, in which sales
have to bo carefully 'cultivated from
the first feeble nibble to the iinal bite.
Here comes a man now Unit I have
been trying to sell diair.onds to for a
month." The door burst open, the jew
eler'ieft his cosy quarters to meet the
visitor, entered into a pleasant chat
with the would-be buyer, got out tho
familiar casket and displayed its con
tents to the best advantage. Then he
leaned carelessly over the showcase,
whistled softly, and gazed 0111 at tho
people on the street. But the visitor's
part was not played so nicely. He
turned over the jewels nervously, put
them on his finges, took them oV, look
ed at them in every light, twisted his
handkerchief in them. Then, as if
with sudden determination, he held 11 n
a ring, asked the price, criticised the
ht, haggled over the price a little, and
said he would take it. The purchase
was quickly made, and the jeweler
came back with a smile of triumph.
"He paid So more for that diamond
than I would have given it to him for
a week ago," he said. "It almost
amounts to a superstition with me, but
I make special efforts to sell, and at
good prices, on rainy days. Some days
we sell $10 worth of goods and some
days $500. Rainy days, and some oth
ers, are set down as bad ones for trade,
So I exert myself to bring up the sales
if possible on tho off days. We hang
out )'- a fair price if we can get i,
we taice a low price if we must, but sell
wo will. One sees a good deal of hu
man nature, for few things touch a
man's innermost self so closely as his
pocketbook; and few things touch his
pocketbook like a jeweler's lino of
goods. " Springfield Republican.
Giving Away (he Preacher.
A distinguished Boston divine
preached a few Sundays ago for a
cousin who is pastor of a church forty
miles out in the country. His relative
was somewhat !luried by the presence
of the city minister, and in the opening
prayer with which he prefaced tho
others sermons ho prayed:
'Help thy servant who is to speak to
us to day. Without thee help him
for." He stopped, tried to collect
himself, and fineshod "for, O Lord, he
can't do much, anyway!" Motion
There is no such word as fail," excrpt for
the man who does not advertise.
Strange Mistakes of Peoplo Who Go
Tho ignoranco of tho character of
Washington city, its public buildings,
tho relation of its law-makers to ono
another, etc., as displayed by visitors,
writes Murray in The Indianapolis
News, is something appalling. It is not
confined to the baokswoods of Arkansas
or the dirt-eaters of North Carolina,
but permeates tho intelligent pcoplo
who rcsido in tho city of Boston and
in the nearer city of Now York. Hero
we fellows on the row have boon writing-
about Washington from ten to
twenty years, and imparting valuable
information dn every possible subject
in connection with tho government and
public affairs. Wo arc actualy driven
every week to conceive something new,
or write up something old in a fresh
manner. And to us nearly everything
seems Id and stale. When I como
across a Now York man who thinks tho
president lives in the capital building, or
a Massachuscts man who has an idea
that the senate and the supreme court
hold joint scssons, 1 feel as if our
newspaper lives were in a manner run
ning to waste. You think these exag
gerations? Not a bit. J have met two
such men within the last two weeks.
It seems strange that a New York
broker worth a couple of hundred
thousand fat times) should know so
little about theso things. Yet my
chance acquaintance was found to bo
very intelligent and clever otherwise.
lie said: "A ood many of us think
and read of little beyond Wall street.
It is as much as I can do to master tho
financial columns of tho New York
press. When 1 get through with them,
if 1 have any time to rend, I skim over
the local sensations. I havo been doing
this for years."
'And your set does tho same thing,
I suppose," I suggested.
"Practically, yes. Some of the fel
lows have theatrical or musical tastes,
or run after horsellesh, or the ladies, or
base-ball, or yachting, or something or
other, and theso read still less. Tho
strain of tho street requires relaxation.
Books? 1 don't believe a dozen books
a year arc read by tho whole force of
operatives combined. Upon my word,
I haven't read a book for live years. 1
have not time and when I have time I
have no inclination. My knowledge of
government affairs is very crude. You
are inclined to laugh at what you call
my ignorance. But remember ignor
ance is a relative matter. Nobody can
master everything, and the successful
men of the ac attempt to master but
one thing. '1 he news is your profes
sion. If I should take you into tho
stock-exchange to-morrow you would
be laughed at for your ignorance. Do
you know tho gamut of puts and
I confessed the justice oi his criticism.
"Well, the dealer in margins must
havo many of the qualities of states
manship, decision of character, subtlety,
nerve, staying power, convictions. 1
understand my business pretty well, as
the run of them, but I can't paint, or
sculp, or run a newspaper."
I am verv el ad to have
sir," 1 remarked. "You are the first
man I ever met who confessed 'hot
couldn't run a newspaper. You are a.
"What's more," he added, laughing,
"I don't want to."
"That's more remarkable still." ,
Very much impressed with tho cool
philosophy of my broker acquaintance,
1 left him, but tho talk has been run
ning through my head ever since. I
met a lady of culture last night and re
"Why, dear me!" she exclaimed, "I
used to think the same thing till I came
to Washington. I always supposed tho
president lived in the capital, and that
it and the white house wore identical."
I ventured a little reportorial wit at
her expense, and then repented. Her
"Oh, you newspaper men are sova'n.
You think everybody reads what you
write. It's a mercy they don't. You
are so smart and know so much it actu
ally pains you! It's a mercy some of
you don't burst! Why, I can ask you
more questions in a minute than you
can answer in a week. Can't we, Jen-
nio? And I don't know anything
about about labor and capital and pol
itics and laws,"
xml | txt