Newspaper Page Text
White jasmine fctretohes far and wide,
Alon the array wall's southern side
Its graceful branches wreathe
And winds of Summer sweet antt low,
Among its verdure and its enow,
Their tender music breathe.
The garden beds that once were gay
And fragrant all the Summer day,
Are emptv and forlorn
The hungry bees afar have flown,
The gravid walks are weed o'grown,
The trellis-rose is torn.
Within the house each empty room
Is *-hut in silent, rayless gloom,
With cheerless hearthstone cold
No pictures smile upon the wall,
No single trace is left of all
We cherished so of old.
But in the southern sunshine bright,
And by the jasmine, clad in white,
A youthful maiden 6tands,
With lips that speak of sad unrest
A bunch of daisies on her breast.
And jasmine in her hands.
With iarewell looks of aching love,
Her brown eyes wruderround, above,
It is a sacred spot
The home of childish giief and mirth,
The home whence dearest dead went forth
To share earth's common lot.
Ah, maidi'n! as the jasmine snow
Doth vanish so the years that go
Will take this grief away
Will give thee older woes as sure,
As strong, and deepif not so pure
As this of thine to-dav.
Yet let the daibies on thv breast,
Teach thee that life's securest rest,
In humble paths doth lie
And let the jasmine in thine hand,
Whisper of laiier blossoms fanned
Ey sweetest air3 on high.
Fear not to muse when far away,
How Summer sunshine gilds each day
These lonely garden bowers
How sweetly yet the thrushes call,
How climb about the gray old well,
Thine own loved jasmine flowers.
80 may the memory of this home,
Thy lirst and deaiest ever come
With healing strength to chee
To mind thee by its vanished grace,
Of one prepared abiding place,
From sound of farewell free!
BEHIND THE BARS.
Stray Lf uv*s From tlie Diary of aNoted
From the Oncinnctl Commercial,
There is confined in the village bastile
of the pretty suburb of Loveland aa in
dividual who has probably gained con
siderable celebrity among men of his
profession. He is a burglar, a man fuliy
six lect high, weighing in the neighbor
hood of 180 pounds, of fine physique,
with square-set jaws, high lorehead, aDd
nervous, roving eyes, that seem to take in
all the surroundings at a glance. His
movements have the quiet, springy mo
tion of an athlete.
Through little kindnesses we gained
this crook's confidence to .uch a degree
that he related to us, in his quiet way,
many incidents connected with his life's
history, only requesting us not to men
tiou real names in case his confession ap
peared in print. However let the unfor
tunate man talk for himself: Yes, sir
I have only been out of quod a few days
and to think I should be collared in tfiis
littie village by a "flat." I ieel like eow
hiding myself. Wouldn't the "mob'*
laugh at me, who was considered so "fly"
on the "cross," and to think I let the flat
take n?e in, tools and all (a jimmy, pair
of outbiders, etc). No, sir I won't give
you my right "monaker." I have had
halt a dozen names in my time.
Here I am Charley Johnson. But, al
though a 'crook,' my good father's name
shall never be dishonored by me. He,
poor soul, thinks 1 am a square bloke,
and he shall never know the difference,
no, not even when I croak, Father is a
man of respectability and position, and
it would break his old heart to know that
his only son was a cracksman. The
old man lives in Kentucky, and has
plenty of this world's gear, I have not
been home for twelve years. I am go
ing on 31 years of age, was born in Per
ry County, 111., in January, 1847. I
never did any thing crooked until I was
21 years of age. I am :v carriage black
smith by trade have nearly worked in
all the shops in Cincinnati, and am con
sidered a good workman. I make all
my own tools used in my professional bus
iness. Many of the burglar 'tools used
are made in the penitentiary and smug
gled out. I trace the begining of my
career of crime to the reading of such
pernicious books as Claude Duval, Dick
Turpin, Jack Sheppard and the like.
Why, the first trick I took iva* lifting a
Beadle dime novel from a book store.
Then I commenced by jumping board
bills, tinlly I got to working the board
ing house" I had jumped, all the time
hammering away in the day time at my
trade. I was first collared, January.1869,
lor robbing the money-drawer of a
saloonpetit larcenyget twenty days.
The cops next pulled me on grand lar
ceny, easing a boarding house of money
box containing iifty dollars got clear on
this. I next went through a residence
up in Warren County, Went in at a win
dow with my arm over my face was rec
ognized, arrested and got the stretches at
Columbus. After my time was up I
worked some eighteen months at my
trade in Cincinnati and other cities, and
was a square bloke all that time, and,
wished to God I had continued but to
be taken in now by a country flatl Oh,
what will the "gang" say?
About the period I am speaking of
times got very hard and I could not make
a living at my trade. I got throughlv
disgusted, and meeting an old pard, Tom
Harris, we went to the citv of
where seme blokes had set up" a job. We
went through the building, a dwelling
house, getting silverware and two fine
overcoats but as usual the swag gave us
away, and the cops visited our boarding
house and found the stuff in our trunks.
This job gave us Qve years each in Col
umbus, and to tnink, I only got out the
other day from serving these five stretch
es, and here I am to quod again. If it
was not ior those confounded tools, I
don't mind the Mayor's sentence of $30
and costs, but I don't want to go up the
road again. If I was only clear of this
job, I would be a square bloke from this
time. Just think, only 30 years of age,
and 8 years of that time spent in prison!
My God, its fearful, ain it, sir. This
squealing about ill treatment of the men
and mismanagment of the affairs of the
Ohio Penitentiary is all bosh. Why, sir,
no man that obeys the rules is punished.
Duiing my time I was several times put
in the dungeon, but it was just and right
I had disobeyed the rules.
The men who squeal are those who ex
pect to do as they please. Of course your
treat ment depends on tl*e guards a good
deal some guards are more kindly dis
posed than others, while some feel their
position and like to show their authority.
The ducking stool, buck and gag and
dungeon might be used only in extreme
cases. Let the Warden and Board of
Directors have the authority to add to or
take from a man's time according to his
conduct, I think that would work well
and have a salutary effect. Use the duck
ing stool, etc., only in case of insubordi
Under Colonel James we were much
better fed, and, in fact, the Colonel made
improvements in many different ways
tint conduced to the benefit of the men.
Yes, we were compelled to attend chapel
on Sunday, and I can assure you this go
ing to listen to a second class journey man
soul saviour is tedious work. The salary
paid a Chaplain is so small that they get
very inferior material. I like to listen to
a good talker, but such humbugs as are
foisted off on the poor convicts I have no
use for. I tell you, sir, while trying to
punish and reform the crooks, people
should IOOK at the temptations. The
prodigal display of jewelry and wealth
made by the members of a family often
leads to the robbery of their house nor
is the job always set up by crooks. I
have known men who occupied promi
nent positions in society setting up jobs.
I recall a lawyer living in the upper part
of the State, who. to usse our professional
vernacular, was known as a square bloke,
but in consequence of Mr. Lawyer's hav
ing lost heavily at the gaming table, he
gave a friend away to some crocks, and
shared in the swa%. Society, in which
he is such a favorite, would be terribly
shocked if they knew Mr. Lawyer's weak
points. In the prison everything goes on
like clock-work. In the morning the
men come out of their cells in regular
order and march to the wash-house, and
after aolutions march to their regular ta
ble. Each co npany has a regular table.
At noon and at night the men are formed
in the yard into companies of thirty-five
men each, single file, right hand on
man's shoulder in front. The men are
graded according to size, tallest in front.
At a given signal by the guard they
march to the appropriate tables. Yes
sir there are men who have served a life
time in the Ohio Prison. One convict, a
German has been there for thirty-two
years. He is now 50 years old. There
are two more serving life sentenes. One
has served twenty-two and the other
twenty-five years. One life-timer who
killed a fellow convict, is serving out
a sentence of ten years' solitary confine
ment. You want to know something of
our manner of working.
Well,in the first place you sluuldknow
that a fly burglar never associates with
common thieves, such as "sneaks,'
"knucks," "guns,' and "gonniffs." No
sir: we have too much professional pride
tor that. New of my profession, are
quite suspicious of one another, and gen
erally work alone. You see the "cops,"
generally have one or two crooks in their
employ, and you are obliged to look out
sharp for a 'give away. Well, now if
want to crack a crib like a good General
I survey the premises and find out its
weakest pointsgenerally a porch with
windows over it, or a back window in the
lower story. My only disguise is my
handkerchief placed thus, [and the wipe
was folded bias and tied around his face
beneath the eyes, making an after recog
nition impossible Oh 1 we don't go
Stamping into a room, but ao extremely
slow and careful, somewhat in this style,
[ai he glided noiselessly over the floor
ot his cell with as light a step as a cat].
When I am discovered, I back out of a
room and get away as soon as possible,
No fly burglar will show fight. But you
will hear of more standing up hereafter
it takes two or three nervy men to play
thatgame. My friend, in the future you
will hearja brick wall being gone through,
and as for combination safes, that safe is
not made by one man that another equal
ly as skilled can not gain entrance to it
I went on a Pennsylvania raid once
We took in a large store, and it took us
just one hour's time by the watch to go
through a large combination safe. There
were three of us, and on whacking up we
had $3,000 apiece. The storekeeper, it
seems, done a little banking business in
the neighborhood. Now, tois job was
set up by the storekeeper's nephew. We
came into town next evening and heard
the excited people talking about the
great robbery, and sat on the tavern
porch and read a sensational account of
our exploits. We had planted the "swag'
and our tools. Our dress had the appear
ance of ordinary travelers, and no notice
was taken of us, bnt when we heard that
cops were coming do jvn from Philadel
phia, we skipped. In robbing a store ol
goods we generally have a wagon clo^e
at hand to cart off the swag it not, we
take it some distance and plant it, and
sneak it to our hotel or boarding-house as
we can sometimes hoist it up after night
to a back window, pack it" into trunks
and ship it away. Many so-called tramps
marching up and down the country are
Well, I guess I've told you about all I
can. Now, please don't give me away
'pon my soul I have not done a single job
since I came trcm above. To think I
would be taken in by a flat in a little
country town! Well, good bye. I hope
you will do all you can for me.
Ludicrous mistakes will occur, and if
so we cannot help laughing at them.
Human nature is prone to eir, and is at
times very funny in its errors. A young
man, who was evidently a profound stu"
dent of certain peculiarities, put an um
brella in the stand, but took the precau
tions to fasten it by a string about six
feet long, and then awaited further de
velopments. Tho morning had turned
out rainy. The first man who came along,
seeing the rain and the umbrella at the
same moment, automaticallv seized the
umbrella. At the end of the" six feut he
was brought to a standstill by the string,
and then, and only then, he remembered
that the umbrella was not his. A second
a third, a fourth, tri"d the same experi
ment, but with the same tesult Such
is the peculiarity of human nature that
not a man passed out of the building for
an hour who did not for one brief mo
ment at least look on that umbrella as
a long-lost brother, who was found just
in the nick of time. At length the string
itself gave way, and the young man went
home in the rain, made wiser and sad
der by the success of his experiment. I
FOR THE CHILDREN.
A Troublesome Charge.
Bummagy-tummagv, do be still.
And not fly away like a ship in full sail
1 never saw such a child as you
You will not do what you ought to do
And what you ought not to do you will.
Take off your hat,
And don't teas the cat,
For a cat has feelings as well as a tail,
And talons sharp as a needle too.
Take care, or she'll scratch you presently,
There! I knew she would, you tiresome
Bat little you cared what I might say,
And now you find that having your way
IB not as nice as it seemed to be,
I am sure it's true,
That there are but few
Children so obstinate, heedless, and wild
As you, who will not learn to obey.
What now? Well, really, that is too bad!
I'll tell your mamma when Bhe comes
You ought to be whipped and put to bed
And kept awhile on water and bread
You're almost enough to drive me mad,
And make me tear
My hair in despair
You've broken your ma's new tortoise
You laugh, butyou ought to cry instead.
Many the children that I have known,
But you are the very worst of them all
You always are doing something wrong
And when you are still it's not for long
But there go on! I'll let you alone,
Your fond mamma
And foolish papa
Will soon return, and then, sir, I shall
Undress you and lull you to sleep with
The Desert Island.
A rich and charitable man wanted to
make one of his slaves hap-^y. He gave
him his liberty, and caused a ship to be
equipped with many valuable goods for
Go," said his master to him, "and sail
with this ship to a foreign country, and
all the gain which you obtain on these
goods shall be yours."
The slave set out but scarcely had he
got afloat when a violent storm arose,
which tossed the vessel against a cliff so
voilently that it became a wreck. The
preciors goods sank in the sea, all his
mates perished, and lie only saved lam
self with great difficulty, by reaching the
shore of an island
Hungry, naked, and helpless, ue pro
ceeded further inland, when he perceived,
afar off, a large city, out ot which a large
crowd of inhabitants came to meet him,
with enthusiastic series.
"Prosperity to our king," they called
out to him, and placed him in a magnifi
cent carriage and led him to the city.
On reaching the royal palace, he was
dressed in an ermine robe, a crown was
placed on his head, and he was made to
ascend the throne. The noMes gathered
round him, and prostrating themselves
before him, took the oath of obedience to
the king in the name of all the people.
The new king, at first, though this
splendor was a Beautiful dream, till the
continuation of his happiness dispersed
all doubts that the wonderful event was
"I cannot comprehend," he said to
himself, one day, "what has blinded the
eves ot this wonderful nation to elect a
poor stranger their king. They do not
know who I am, do not question me
whence I come,but place me on the throne.
What a singular custom this is!"
Thus he meditated and became so cur
ious to know the reason of his elevation,
that he decided to ask one of the nobles,
who seemed, apparently, a wise man, the
situation of this ridd'e.
"Vizier," he addressed him, "why have
your people made me king? How could
you tell that 1 had arrived at your island?
And what will become of me at last?"
"Sire," answered the vizier, "this island
is inhabited by a strange race. They
prayed long ago that a son of Adam
might be sent to rule them. Their peti
tion was granted, and a son of Adam
lands at their islannd every year at the
same time. The inhabitants hasten to
him, as you have seen, and acknowledge
him as their sovereign but his reign
does not last longer than one year. When
his time has elapsed, and the appointed
day has arrived, he is deposed from his
dignity, deprived of his royal treasures,
and attired in common clothes. His
'ootmen carry him by force to the shore,
and put him in a wretched boat, which
conveys him to another island. This
island is desert aid barren, a:d the per
son who was, but a few days ago, a
mighty king, arrives there empty-handed,
and finds neither friendsjj nor subjects.
Nobody shares his misfortunes, and, if he
has net used his year well he must lead a
sad and mornful life in this desolate land
After the banishment of the old king,
they go to meet the new one, whom Prov
idence sends us every year without excep
tion, in the usual way, and receive him
with the same joy as they did the former
This sire, is the permanent statue of +his
country, which no King can alter during
"Have my predecessors," further asked
the king, "been warned by your high
ness ot this short duiation of their reign?"
"To none of them," answered the vizier,
"was the law of transitorint-ss unknown
but some allowed themselxes to be blind
ed by the splendor which surrounded
their throne they forgot the sad future,
and passed their year without being wise.
Others intoxicated themselves in the
sweetness of their happiness they did
not dare to think of the desert island, for
fear of embittering the delight of their
present enjoyment and thu3 they passed
from one amusement to another, till their
time was up and they were cast into the
ship. When the unhappy Gay arrived,
they all commenced to" reproach them
selves, and to repent of their blindness
but it was too late, ana they were deliv
ered, without mercy, to the miserv which
awaited them, and which they might by
prudence, have prevented."
The history of the vizier filled the king
ith fear. He'shudderei at the fate o?
the former kings, and wished to escape
ite"r misfortune. He saw with terror
that already a few weeks had elapsed,
and that he must hasten to spend, at
least, the rest of his days usefully.
"Wise vizer," said he, "you have dis
closed to me my future fate, and the short
duration of my kingly power but, I
pray you, tell me what I have to do, if I
wish to avoid the calamity of my pre
Remember, sire," answered the vizier,
that you came to our island naked, and
that you will leave in exactly the same
state, and never return. The only means
possible to avoid the danger which threat-
ens you by banishment to that island is
to make it fruitful and cause people to
settle there. This is, according to our
laws, allowed, and your subjects are so do
cile they will go whither you send them.
Send, also, a number of laborers thither,
and let them change the desert fields in
to fruitful ones, build cities and store
houses, and provide them with all nec
essary vituals. In short, prepare for
yourself a new kingdom, whose inhabi
tants may receive you joyfully after your
banishment. But hasten, and let no mo
ment pass by uselessly, for time is short,
and the more you do towards the build
ing ot your new home, the happier will
your stay be. If you dispise my advise
or loiter, you are lost, and long misery
will be your lot."
The king was a wise man, and the
words of the vizier gave wings te his res
olution and activity.
He at once dispatched many of his
subjects to the island they went with
pleasure, and set to work zealously. The
island began to beautify itself, and be
fore six months had elapsed large towns
stood on its blooming pastures. Not
withstanding this, the king did not
slacken in his zeal he sent more inhabi
tonce, who were even more willing than
the first as they went to a well-culti
vated land, which their friends and rela
Meanwhile the end of the year ap
proached nearer and nearer. The former
kings had tiembled for this moment, but
this one awaited the day with impatience
for he was going to a land wherethrough
his own activity, he had built himself a
The fixed day arrived at last. The
king was seized, robbed of his, aiadem
and roya* robes, and brought to the ship
which was to take him to the place of
his banishment. Scarcely had he reach
ed the shore of the other island than the
inhabitants met him with joy, received
him with creat honor, and ornamented
his head, not with a crown, whose glory
only lasted one year, but with a never
fading wreath of flowers.
Canno* our readers find the moral of
this story for themselves?
Soup and Trouble.
ii A man clad in a new but poorly-fitting
suit of store-clothes, and bearing a heavy
look of trouble around his mouth and
across the brow, went into a Fourth Street
restaurant yesterday, and taking a seat
apart from all other diners, shoved his
hat under the table, sighed deeply and
called for soup.
"Any thing more?"
"No." The hot liquid was made black with
pepper, and then followed a swishing,
gurgling sound, at quick intervals, like
the plashing of the tide. At the end of
three minutes the bowl was empty and
the waiter again summoned.
It was brought.
"Any thing more?"
"No," Te trs gathered in the eyes of the
gloomy mon, but he brushed them away
with his napkin, and plunged his spoon
again into the steaming soup. The elbow
crooked and straightened with the reg
ularity of a heart beat, and presently the
waiter was beckoned once more. He
stepped up with visib.e irritation, but
catching aD admonishing look from the
stewatd, bent forward with suavity.
"More soup," said the man, with a
plaintive voice brimming over with emo
"No"" "Hadn't I better bring in the kettle
this trip?" said the waiter.
"You might," said the man, with a
sigh that jarred the table. "I've got heaps
of trouble to drown."
"We've got a gruel that will do more
with less bulk," said the waiter, "it
might hit the right spot sooner."
"I've never found no balm for a wound
ed spirit that could walk around soup'
especially if it's hot and tolerably high
seasoned I don't know whether it comes
of being hot and fetching on the sweat
or not, but it reaches for trouble every
inie, and gets away with heartache quick
er'n anything 1 ever tried so you mav
keep on with it, I guess, till my mind
gets easy enough to bear corn beef and
The waiter was softened by the humble
grief before him, and much regretted his
thoughtless chaffing. He felt sympa
thetie, and longed to soothe the aching
"You're in trouble, then?" he ventured
"I am, pardnerdeep," said the man,
as he reached over for a fresh pepper
"Lose jour property?"
"Nono. Worse'n that."
"Friendsnear kinfolks, may
queried the waiter, with a sober look.
"Worse'n that, a good deal."
"You don't S3y! I'm real sorry, sir but
maybe 'twas all for the best."
"No, I'll be dad-thuniped if it was!"
exclamed the stranger, choking on the
soup, and getting red in the face. "Does
it ever do a man anv good to be swin-
"Why, no-surely not."
"Well, that's just what I've been, and
in the meanest, dog-gonedest way that
any body ever was sold, too. Pardner,
I've been the victim of a base, deceivin'
OLe-eyed schemer. I was married last
The waiter could only make big eyes,
and catch his breath. The sad man pro
"I said married, but swindled was the
word I meanttook in shameful. I mar
ried on 'spec,' with every prospect ef get
ting both money and beauty, and here I
am euchered blind. She was a widow,
living in good style, in a bunkum good
house that every body said belonged to
her, and so I thought there wasn't much
risk. She was as pretty to look at as a
ripe watermelon, but turns out to be a
bigger fraud than a green pumpkin."
The poor victim broke down with
emotion, and had to pause and mop his
"Pardner, them shiny, dazzlin' teeth,
hat wilted me the first time I saw her
grin, turns out to be sham, shop-made,
and not even paid for yet and so help
me Hezekiah, one of her eyes is glass,
and she sleeps with her hair on the back
of a chair but the worst ot all is that the
house was only her'n as long as she
remained single, and now the regular
ieirs have served notice on her to va-'
moose, and she actually expects me to
find a house and pay rent on- it. I've
been to see a lawyer, and all the conso
folation he gives me is that I've to got
grin and bear it, 'cause the bargain was
for better or worse. Fetch on another
bowl of soup, and have it extra warm,"
Cincinnati Breakfast Table.
In the Gardens of Kew.
A MEMORY OF 1849.
How well I remember tne day that we went!
We sailed up the Thames in the Duchess of
And we both sat apart from the holiday crew
And we landed at last by the Gardens of Kew.
And I woTe a poke bonnetthey give one tha
When one looks at them now in an old Lon
But you said I looked lovelvit mayn't have
But I liked it, I know, in the Gardens of Kew.
And Love spread his glorious glamour around
As you told me you'd been down to Fulham,
A small house with a lawn and
O, it sounded so sweet in the Gardens of Kew.
But I doubtedyou kissed me, and bade me
That "the gas was laid on and the water was
It was foolish perhaps but what could a girl
I gave you my heart in the Gardens of Kew.
I was only a governess, toiling till dark.
And you were an underpaid Government
But though friends said we'd multiplied sor
row by two,
The sum total was blis3in the Gardens ef
How we loitered and dreamed through the
Was grass ever so green, were flowers ever so
And asunset, seraphic as Paradise knew,
Streamed its splendor that night on the
Gardens of Kew.
Then the mellow moon rippled the flood with
And you put your coat round me for fear I
Though the balmiest zephyr July ever blew
Sped us blissfully home from the Gardens of
Three months after we took, a poor husband
Our joint ticket third class, for the journey of
We've had griefs, but the power of true love
pulled us through
The love that we sealed in the hardens of
And sometimes, though now we have wealth
and to spare,
With a hou^e in Hyde Park, and a carriage
As we take ourhebdomidal walk in the "Zio,"
least a found thougnt to the Gardens of Kew.
Well, taking the years as they've flashed by
The sweet with the bitter, and bitter with
I don't quite regret it. my darling, do you?
Our saunter that day in the Gardens of Kew.
Minnie's father has a black mare called
Top&ev. She is very kind and gentle.
Sometimes Minnie's father leads Topsey
out of her stall, fastens her to a ring
which hangs from the ceiling of the
stable, and puts Minnie on her back
Minnie pats th* horse's neck with her
little hand, and says, "Go along, Topsey."
Topsey walks round in a circle as far
as the length of the rope she is fastened
with wil' allow, and when Minnie says
"WhoaPshe stops but, at the first pat of
Minnie's hand, she starts off again. Min
nie calls this playing circus.
Topsey is fond of apples and if any ODe
goes into the stall with an apple in his
pocket, she smells it at once, and holds
up one uf her fore feet, and whinnies, as
if she meant to say: "If you please, I
would like that apple very much."
Minnie's papa sometimes lets Topsey
walk about the yard, and crop the grass.
One day, as she was gazing in the yard,
she came towards tue side-door. Minnie,
who was in the house, opened the door,
and held out an apple. Topsey saw it,
and walked up to the piazza, and would
have come into the hou^e if Minnie had
not closed the door quickly.
8he opened the window, and handsd
Topsey~ the apple. Topsey stood and
munched it, and, when it was gone, stuck
her head in at the window, and looked
all about, as if she were saying, "Is this
where you keep your apples? I would
like another." Minnie patted Topsey's
nose, and said, "No, no pony can't have
any more now and Topsey looked quite
sad for a minute, and then went back to
finish her dinner of grass.
One day a pile of dry leaves near the
stable took fire from a lighted match
which a careless person had thrown on
them. The stable was soon filled with
smoke and, while Minnie's papa ran with
pails of water to put the fire out, Minnie
cried bitterly, saying, "Oh, my dear Top
sey! She'll be burned! She'll be burned!'
The little girl would not be still until
her papa led Topsey out of the stable and
tied fier to a tree in the yard, a long way
off from the fire and it was not until the
fire was all out, and the smoke had cleared
away, that Minnie was contented to have
her pet taken back to the stall.
aFour or five*City Hall officials were sit
ting on the steps on the Woodward Ave
nue side Saturday a'ternoon, discussing
politics and the weather, when a smallish
man, seeming to be in considerable men
tal distress, approached them, and in
"Gentlemen, is there a scientific man
"Certainly there is,'' they replied, in
"And you must be familiar with the
laws governing storms?"
"We are," was the prompt answer.
"Well, then," continued the stranger,
"I wish to relate what may seem a singu
lar occurrence. I live on Division Street,
and though it began raining at midnight
the other night and continued for twenty
four hours, not a single drop ot water fell
upon my Garden."
"la that possible?" gasped one alter the
"It is the solemn truth, gentleman, and
I'd like to know by what law of nature
you can account lor it. It was a long
continued, drenching storm, yet not one
drop fell upon my garden."
There wasn't even room for a sugges
tion The crowd was astonished and si
lent. After a long minute, cne of the
gentlemen turned to the stranger, and
"You must have* theory, haven't vou?"
"And what is it?"
'My theory, gentlemen, is that I rent
rooms on the third floor, and had no gar
den for the rain to fall on!"
Five men sup in chorus, brushed
off their coat-tails, and followed each oth
er into the hall in Indian file. Detroit
The Poor Whites of the South.
To form any proper conception of the
condition of the poor white 'rash, one
should see them as they are. It is true
that the war. emancipation and the es
tablishment of free schools has helped
their condition somewhat, but they vet
retain many of those characteristics which
distinguished them in slavery times. The
poor white trash are about the onlv
paupers in the Southern States, and they
are very rarely supported by either the
state or community in which they reside.
They are found nowhere but in the coun
try, in hilly and mountainous regions gen
erally, in communities by themselves, and
far removed from the more refined settle
ments. Why it is they always select the
hilly and consequently unproductive dis
tricts tor their homes is unknown. In
the settlements wherein they chiefly
reside the poor whites rarely live mere
than a mile or two apart.
Each householder or head 01 a family
builds himself a little hut of round logs
or pine poles, chinks the places between
these with clay mixed with wheaten
straw builds at one end a big wooden
chimney with a tapering top, all the in
terstices being "dobbed" as above puts
down a puncheon floor, and a loft of or
dinary boards overhead fills the inside
of the rude dwelling with a few rickety
chairs, a long bench, a dirty bed or two,
a spinning-wheel (the loom,if any, is out
side under a shedj, a skillet, an oven, a
frying-pan, a triangular cupboaid in one
corner and a rack over the door, on which
to hang old "Spitfire," the family rifle:
and both the cabin and furniture are con
sidered as complete. The happy owner
then "dears" some five acres or so of
land immediately surrounding his
domicile, and these he pretends to culti
vate, planting only corn, pumpkins and
a little garden truck. He next builds a
rude kennel for his dog or dogs, a primi
tive-looking stall for his "nag,'' ditto for
Btck, his cow, and a pole hen house for
his poulti y. This last he covers over
with dirt and weeds, and erects on one
side of it a long slim pole, from the uuper
branches of w'ftch dangle gourds for the
martins to builo their nests inmartins
being generally regarded as useful to
drive off all bioody-minne hawks that
look with coo hungry an eye upon the
rising generation of dunghills.
Being thus prepared for housekeeping,
now comes the tug of war. Whatever
may be said of the poverty ol the white,
of his ignorance and general spiritual
degredation, he rarely sull'r.s from hun
ger or cold. As a class, indeed, they are
much better off than the peasantry ot Eu
rope, and many a poor machanic in your
cityto say nothing of the thousands
without trade or occupation, wandering
through the North and Westwould be
most happy at any time from December
to March to share the cheerful waimth
the blazing pine knots which glow upon
every poor 'nan's hearth in the South as
well as to help devour the fat hauches of
the noble oid buck whos'i carcass han^s
suspended from one of the beams
of the loft overhead, ready at all
times to have a slice cut fiom its sinewy
bones and broiled to delicious juiciness
upon the glowing coals. Indeed, the
only source of trouble to the poor white
is the preservation of his yearly "craps"
ot corn, that, owing to tlu sterileness of
his land and d'ficieut cultivation, some
times fail him, running al" to weeds and
But he has no lack of means. Wild
hog, deer, wild turkeys, squirrels, rac
coons, opossumsthese and many more
are at his very doors, and he has only to
pick up "old Spitfire,'' walk a few miles
out to tho forest, and return home laden
with meat enough to last him a week.
And should he desire to purchase a little
wool for spinning, or cotton ditto, or a
little sweet'uing" to put in his coffee or
"sassefock" tea, orafewcupsani saucers,
or powder and shot, salt, meal or other
household necessaries, a week's success
ful hunting invariably supplies him with
enough game to procure the withal for
luxuries, which he soon possesses himself
of irom the nearest village or cross roada
store. Having obtained what he wants,
he hastens back to his barren solitudes:
bis wife and dauguters spin and weave
the wool or cotton in'.o such description
of cloth as is most in vogue for the time
being, while the husband, father, sons
and brothers betake themselves to their
former idle habitshunting, beef-shoot
ing, gander-pulling, marble-playing,
and getting drunk. Panics, financial
piessure and the like are unknown among
them, and about tne only crisis of which
they know axy thing is when a poor fel
low is called upon to "shuffle off this
mortal coil." Money, in fact, is almost
an unknown commodity in their midst,
and whether our currency i? gol-i, green
backs or the dollar of the "daddies" con
chas them not. Nearly all of their
trafficking is carried on by barter alone.
In their currency a cow is considered
worth so much, a horse so much, a dog
so much, a fat buck so much, a fat tur
key so much, a coon-skin so much, etc.,
and by these values almost everything
else is rated. Dollars and dimes" they
never bother their brains about.
The chief characteristic, the crowning
emblem of the poor white, however, is
laziness. He is the laziest two-legged
animal that walks erect on the face of the
earth. Even his motions are slow, and
his speech a sickening drawl, worse a
great deal than the downeastern of all
downeastcrs while his thoughts and
ideas creep along at a snail's pace. All
he seems to care for is to live from hand
to mouth, to get drunk, provide he can
do so without having to trudge too far
for his liquor to shojt for beef to at
tend gander-pullings to vote at elec
tions to eat and sleep to lounge in the
sunshine of a bright summer's day, and
bask in the warmth of a roaring
wood-fire when summer days are over.
In religion, the poor white is generally
of the hard-shell persuasion, and his par
son is of the "whang doodle" order. He
is also very superstitious, being a firm
believer in witches and hobgoblins,
haunts and spooks in fortune-telling
after the ancient modessuch as palm
reading, card cutting, or the revelation
of coffee-grounds left* in the bottom of
the cup after the fluid hag been drained
off.Q. W. BmaUcy in Philadelphia Timet.