Newspaper Page Text
THEOLOGY IN THE QUARTERS.
Now, I" of a notion in my head dat when you come
to die,
An' Stan" do 'zamination in de Cote House in de sir.
You'll be astonished at de questions do angel's gwiß
to ax
■When he gits you on de witness stan' an' pin you to
de fee's;
Cause he'll ax you mighty clcEely 'bout your doin'a
in the nights,
An' de watenuillion question's gwine to bodder yon
a sight!
Den your eyes "11 open wider den dey ebber done
befo'.
When he chats you 'bout a chicken scrape dat h:.i>-
pened long apo !
D^ arpois on de picket line er long de Miiky Way
Keeps a watchin' what you're dribin' at an' hearins
m hat you say.
Iso matter what you want to do, no matter whur
you's gwlne,
Dey'G mighty ap' to find It out air pass it long dc
line;
An" ofn at do nieetiu', when you make a fuss an"
laugh,
Why, dey send de news a-kitin' by de golden tele-
graph ;
Den de angel in de orifis, -what's a settin' by de gate,
J<->" reads de message wid a look, an' claps it on do
slate !
Den you better do your duty well, an" koep your
conscience clear,
An" keep a lookin" straight ahead an' watchin" wuar
you steer ;
: Cau«.> arter a while de time'U come to journey from
de lan,
La' di y'll take you way up in de a"r an' put you on'
(ic Ftan';
Den you'll hab to listen to de clerk an' answer
mighty straight,
Ef you ebber : si>ec" to trabble froo de alaplaster gate!
—77:. Century.
FLEEIXG FROM A FORTUXE.
The sun rose propitiously bright on
Grace Sylvester's wedding morn ; the
air was balmy, the sky blue, and all
nature seemed in sympathy with the
happy day.
Presently a stir awoke in the house
hold, that soon swelled into a murmur
of consternation. The bride was miss
ing. Some one had gone to her cham
ber to awaken her and found it empty.
Immediately a search was instituted,
which proved fruitless. The bride
groom was sent for, but he could off _>r
no explanation ; bike the parents, he was
distracted with anxiety.
Grace Sylvester was a proud, impul
sive girl, with a warm heart and impet
uous temper. She was an only child,
and somewhat spoiled, as was natural ;
but nothing that could be imagined or
adduced could account for this unheard
of freak ; she had not even fastened a
note on the toilet-cushion, as a key to
the mystery, after the custom of hero
ines.
For a week previous to this now un
lucky day, the Sylvester mansion had
continuously opened its hospitable por
tals to arriving guests. Friends and
relations of Mr. Frank Howard, the ex
pectant bridegroom, crowded to do
honor to the occasion, which the Syl
vester connection were not less eager to
embellish with their presence.
This singular occurrence, therefore,
could not possibly be preserved a secret,
and the chagrined and distracted host
and hostess had all the added misery of
knowing that their daughter's inexpli
cable flight was the subject of all sorts
of surmises and discussions by thosj
who in set phrase endeavored to condole
witk them, and at the same time hint at
insanity as the only solution of such an
unprecedented freak.
But a special gleam was soon destined
to iil;:uie the darkness, (irace had not
unmindful oi her dear parents, nor
her devoted lover. A letter addressed
to the former had been dropped by her i
i;i the postcfiiee. ' : was brief, and evi
dently written under the pressure of
en in its fragmentary
haste, Sir. and Mi's. Sylvester could
traG I . r'a tenderness ; and
her lover, despite the undisputed mys
tery of Its tone, took consolation i';:c.iii it.
Its contents may be. rendered thus :
She had left oi' her own free will and
unaccompanied, though she admitted
that she would be met at her journey's
end by a worthy guardian, in whose care
blie would remain, and who, at the ex
piration of a week, would bring her
home again; until then, she begged
they would wait for her explanation,
and above all forgive any j>a::i or annoy
ance her hasty disappearance had
caused.
This epistle, though gratefully re
ceived, since it assured them of her
safety, was not, of course, entirely satis
factory to her parents and lover.
Despite her promise to return, they
could not remain quiet till the expira
tion of the time named, but sought her
in every conceivable place ; but, as was
evident from the security of her retreat,
Grace did not mean to be fo:rnd till af
ter the interval she had named.
One by one, or in small parties, as
they had come, the wedding guests de
parted. They carried to their own
houses a charmingly inexhaustible themo
for gossip and wonderment. Every one
held a separate solution and theory, and
. the subject promised to be one of unu
sual variety and entertainment.
But only one of them possessed any
clew to the truth — and she, shy, insidi
ous plottei that she was, hail laid a train
whose success promised even beyond
her hopes. She watched its develop
ment in silence. It was not her cue to
speak but to await the fulfillment of her
design, and so she lingered, professing
the intensest sympathy for all, and at
the same time contriving to best<»w the
most of it on Frank Howard, her distant
cousin.
This young • lady, Msy Froscott by
name, had long been hopelessly in love
with her Cousin Frank. She knew that
his heart was devoted to another, but
had never had an opportunity of seeing
her rival till the generous and unsus
pecting Grace, wishing to give both her
and Frank pleasure, had asked her by
letter to be one of her bridesmaids.
May's darling object was then gained.
She had unlimited faith in her own pow
er of creatinc discord, and had secretly
resolved to separate the lovers and win
Frank for herself, even at the eleventh
hour.
Her first interview with Grace con
vinced her that ardent and impulsive
generosity was the strong point of her
character. On this she acted.
" How oddly the gifts of fate are dis
tributed !" said she, with a sigh, as they
were talking together the night before
the wedding. " One would think it was
enough to get a beautiful wife, without
grasping at a great fortune, too ; but
then Frank always had a keen eye for
the main chance."
Grace's face flushed a deep, indignant
crimson; her full, bright eyes flashed
with sudden anger as she looked at May
Prescott steadily.
"Pray explain yourself, Miss Pres
cott,''she said. "I do not understand
you in the least."
" What ! have you never heard of the
will of Frank's eccentric old Uncle Paul?
But I am sorry ; perhaps I have done
wrong in mentioning it. No doubt he
meant to deceive you — no ; no ! I don't
mean that — I mean perhaps he did not
wish you to know. "
She affected to be overcome with con
fusion at her own inadvertence, and pre
tended to rsgret having said so much.
Grace quietly but firmly demanded to
know ail.
" You have said too much to recede !"
she exclaimei. "Tell me all there is
to tell."
This was just the opportunity May
desired. She arose to see that the door
was closed ; then, satisfied that she and
Grace were alone together, she poured
into her victim's ear the story whose re
sult was Grace's flight from home.
The week passed anxiously enough to
the three people who were awaiting the
wayward bride's return. The appointed
day came, and early in the morning a
carriage stopped before the Sylvester
mansion, and Grace alighted from it,
followed by an old nurse, of whom she
had always been fond, and whose pres
ence explained the fact that Grace had
been staying in her home, not five miles
away.
Grace walked into the house with an
air cf mingled triumph and deprecation.
After the strange greetings were over
Mr. Sylvester, with attempted sternness,
demanded the promised explanation, and
this was the story :
" The night before my wedding day I
learned, from some one who thought I
already knew it, that Frank was about
to inherit $100,000 npon a strange con
dition. His uncle had died and left that
amount to him, provided he married me
within a year after the testator's death.
" I had never seen this uncle, but, as
I learned from my informant, he had
met me by chance in one of the New York
hospitals, and, after taking the trouble
to inquire my name, and no doubt satis
fying himself of the suitability of the
connection, he made up his eccentric
mind that Frank should marry me or
lose a large fortune in the event of dis
obeying his command.
1 ' Now, though I am deeply obliged
for the distinguished honor meant me by
Ihi deceased, I positively decline to be
bartered away to any one at a stated
price.
"It was sufficiently embarrassing to
me to know that the old gentleman was
attracted by a whim of mine, and
mistook it for characterise virtue. The
fact is, during that winter — my first in
New York— l was seized with a fancy to
my round or pleasures by an after"
nova anjo:u: ilio sick, to whom I carried
the ever-welcome gift of fruits, and it
wag while 1 was distributing these effer
that the matrimonial project oc
eurrt d to Frank's uncle.
" Do you not understand, and can you
no! sympathize with me? Had I re
mained here, no explanation could
have altered the case, and I should
inevitably have beeoine Frank's bride,
under conditions alike painful to my
love of truth and self -respect. I have
always declared I would be loved for ray
self alone, not for qualities I did not
possess, nor the money of a whimsical
old gentleman."
She drew a long breath as she finished
her recital, and held out her hand with
her own winning frankness.
"The last week of the year expired
yesterday," she said, with an unmistak.
able sparkle of triumph in her handsome
eyes. "If you take me now, Frank, it
must be all for love. There's no longer
any money in the question."
"With all my heart!" cried the in
dulgent lover. "Since you have come
back to me of your own free will, and
have no further objections to make to
our union, I consider myself one of the
happiest and most fortunate cf bride
grooms."
He caught Grace's pretty, unreluctant
hand in his and pressed it rapturously
to his lips, with a smile quite as trium
phant as her own, and a glance whose
intense and mischievous meaning was
not explained until after the quiet wed
ding, at which May Prescott was the
only guest, for Mr. and Mrs. Sylvester's
prudence and worldly wisdom still con
demned tteir impulsive daughter 's, esca
pade, though their partial tenderness
i'orgave it.
"V«" \ave chosen poverty in prefer
ence fr" -*alth," they said, " and so must
be con ♦•■*>« to do without the grand wed
ding w^ had contemplated."
Grace submitted with the best humor
possible; she had tested Frank's love
and gained her own end, and all was
bright before her inexperienced eyes.
After the wedding, Frank asked his
bride:
"Are you quite satisfied with your
choice of poverty, and glad that your
marriage occurred to-day instead of a
week a^" 9 "
THE ST. PAUL DAILY GLOBE, SATU DAY MORNING, AUGUST 25. 1833.
"I am perfectly delighted," Grace an
swered.
" Will you take a little wedding gift
from me, as I have not yet presented you
with one? " Frank asked, meekly.
" With pleasure," Grace answered, as
she extended her hand, expecting to re
ceive a jewel case.
But, instead of that, a ponderous legal
document was produced, r.t which Grace
gazed in blank surprise.
Then Frank explained that, despite
Mks Prescott's kind interest in their
afliiirs, the fortune was not lost, as she
had made a slight mistake in dates; and
his uncle's discernment in selecting so
charming a wife for him had made In'n^
the happiest of men.
May Prescott's chagrin at the failure
of her conspiracy, and the delight of
Grace's parents at her good fortune can
easily be imagined.
Grace bore her partial defeat with
charming equanimity, as she was quite
convinced, by some mental process of
her own, that she had her husband's
love. So she was reconciled to the pos
session of a fortune!
A MISTAKE WAS MADE.
A young lady gave "her young man "
a beautifully worked pair of slippers, and
he acknowledged the present by sending
her his picture, incased in a handsome
frame. He wrote a note to send with it,
and at the same time replied angrily to
an oft-repeated dun for an unpaid-for
suit of clothes. He gave a boy 10 cents
to deliver the package and notes, giving
explicit directions as to the destination
of each.
It was a boy with a freckled face, and
he discharged his errand in a manner
that should give him a niche in the tem
])ic oi fame.
The young lady received a note in her
adored one's handwriting, and flew to
her room to devour its contents. She
opened the missive with eager fingers,
and -cad :
"I'm getting tired of your everlasting
attentions. The suit is about worn out
already. It never amounted to much,
anyway. Please go to thunder ! "
And ins tailor was sv uck utterly dumb
when he opened a parcel and discovered
the picture of his delinquent customer,
with a note that said :
"When you gaze upon the features,
think how much I owe you."
When the unfortunate young man
called around that evening to receive the
happy acknowledgment of his sweet
heart, he was ostentatiously shoved off
the steps by the young lady's father. —
San Irancieco Chronicle.
COSTLY BUILDINGS
The English Builder gives the coss oi
some of the recent buildings in Europe,
and they are nearly all cheap, by Amer
ican prices. The new Grand Opera House
at Paris, the greatest in the world, cost
£8,000,000; but even bo trivia] a building
as the Masonic Temple, in New York,
opposite Booth's Theater, containing %
few email halls, cock $1,900,000. The
French Government spent on the new
Paris Potitoffice $6,000,000; tho United
States the some on the New York Post
office, und 82,080,507 on the Boston
Federal building. The Hotel do Ville
in Paris was put up for $8,000,000; the
"now" Court Hou?e in New York cost
$12,000,000 to $13,000,000, one- third or
more stolen; and Philadelphia is rapidly
Living away tho cost of the Parisian
building in the gigantic pile vvhich is to
hou: c its City Government. The British
House of Parliament cost, many years
v,-,0, $17,250,000; the Capitol at Albany
v. ill cost more befero the State finishes
)', and in its unfinished condition has
already cost a large fraction of this sum.
Tho English Foreign Office, recently
built, cost $2,750,000; the Stats Depart
menf at Washington, which is just now
spproacking completion, cost in all
$4,500,000, which is about equaled by
the State Capitols of two or three States,
Illinois and Connecticut.
THE DEMASD FOR COMPETENT
PRINTERS.
We take the remarks printed below
from the Stereo per. The room they
occupy will not be wasted if, by their
publication, one worker in our art be
comes possessed with new ambition to
excel : "There is a growing demand for
printers to take responsible positions,
as foremen, superintendents, etc., but
the reply to all such demands is that
the men fo ■ the places are difficult to
find. Skilled workmen there are in
various special kinds of work ; but not
so the men capable of assuming the
direction of the work of others in a
manner to produce the best results.
The fault for this lies with the printers
themselves for the most part, because
' they will not take the pains to learn
! anything more than the kind of work
they are likely to be called upon to do.
Ask them to arrange an offics so as to
best utilize the room and the facilities
at their command, and they will be
completely at sea. If they are called
upon to make a selection of materials
for a new concern — or even for an old
one — they will fire at random and omit
numberless things that are of daily
necessity, and get others of little use.
Yet skill in these and a thousand other
things is necessary to him who would
better his position and become anything
more than a journeyman. They are
only to be learned by constant and
intelligent observation of the successes
and errors of others, and a continual
study of various details outside the
routine of type-setting and machine
minding."
Ax editor wrote a headline, "A Hor
rible Blunder," to go over a railroad
accident ; but, though it was the printer's
fault that it got over an account of a
wedding, the editor was the man
■ thrashed all the same.
THE IXTELLIGENT JURY.
A correspondent at Yazoo, Miss.
Bends as the following as illustrative of
one pha^e of the jury system :
Two colored women, Mrs. Brown and
Mrs. Harris, living in tlie suburbs of
Yazoo City, had frequent quarrels over
a watermelon vine, which, having been
planted upon the property of Mrs.
Harris, had grown through the divid
ing fence and bid fair to soon "bloom
across the party walls."
In one of the disputes, more fierce
than usual, Mrs. Brown tore the vine
up by the roots and threw it in the
face of her neighbor, who, becoming
exasperated, seized an ax and split open
the head of her antagonist, killing her
instantly.
Mrs. Harris was arrested, and there
being no question as to the killing, the
only point was to determine as to a
verdict of murder or manslaughter.
Judge Graves, who was presiding,
took pains to explain most particularly
the difference between murder and
manslaughter, and that in this case
there had been nothing introduced to
show any premeditation, and telling
the jury as plainly as consistent with
his office to bring in a verdict of man
slaughter.
The twelve negroes composing the
jury retired, and, as was expected, al
most immediately returned, and when
asked for their decision what was the
surprise to near "not guilty."
The Judge appeared no less surprised
than the rest, but the prisoner was dis
charged. As the jury was leaving the
court room the Prosecuting Attorney
asked the foreman of the jury how they
conld have possibly found such a ver
dict, and asking them if they did not
think Mrs. Harris killed Mrs. Brown,
and the Judge as good as told them to
bring in a verdict of manslaughter.
Che intelligent juror replied that they
all knew the woman had killed her
friend, but the Judge said it could not
be murder, and he would like to know
"how it could be manslaughter when
dey was bof a woman ?"
The lawyer had no more to say. —
Detroit Free Press.
TETANUS, OR LOCK-JAW.
The following extract, taken from
the autobiography of the late Rev.
Dr. Guthrie, shows the marvellous
effect of keeping people in hot water :
A youth, who had been driving a
cartload of coals to the schoolmaster's
house in the village, had received from
him a glass of whisky — a bad way of
rewarding any kindness, too common in
those days. He had hardly drunk it
and left the door, when he was seized
with tetanus, or lock-jaw. A doctor
had been found, who, finding himself
unable to part the teeth and open the
mouth for the administration of mcdi-
cine by irons from the smithy and
other appliances, ordered a hot bath.
News of this was brought to me as I sat
in my study. Without delay the tires
were blaring in our chimneys, and with
pots and pans of hot water from the
manse and other houses we filled a
barrel in the cottage into which lie had
been carried, and where he lay, teeth
cleoched, limbs, arms as rigid as iron,
and his ipine bent un like a bow
The doctor prepared ttie medicine and
committed the bathing of the poor fel
low to me. We stripped him to the
skin, and I made a thermometer of my
hand. I was glad to withdraw it, tho
water was so hot. Knowing, however,
that t';o hotter the better in such a
?a?e — and the case had come to be
rate — I resolved to risk it; so,
giving the Bignal to three or four stout
fellows who stood by, tltey plunged him
in feet foremost up to the neck. He
roared like a bull, and was taken out
ere long red as a boiled lobster, but,
happily, with the clenched teeth and
locked jaws parted wide enough to
allow the doctor to administer the
medicine and thereby save his life.
AN ABLE PROSPECTUS.
There is an excuse for lack of spice
and all that sort of thing in the news
paper world. The men who write our
dailies, as a rule, have to write about
two miles per day, and they ought not
to be kicked if it is not as interesting as
"Uncle Tom's Cabin" or the "Leaves of
' Grass."
We have done some 900 miles of
writing ourself during our short, sharp
and decisive career, and we know what
we are talking about. Those things we
wrote at a time when we were spreading
onr graceful characters over ten acres
of paper per day were not thrilling.
1 hey did not catch the public eye, but
were just naturally consigned to obliv
ion's bottomless maw.
The public, it seems to us, has created
a false standard of merit for the news
paper. People take a big daily and pay
$10 a year for it because it is the biggest
paper in the world, and then don't read
a quarter of it. They are doing a smart
thing, no doubt, but it is killing the
feverish young men with throbbing
brains who are doing the work. Would
you consider that a large pair of shoes
or a large wife should be sought for just
because you can get more material for
the same price?
Excellence is what we seek, not bulk.
Write better things and less of them,
and you will do better, and the public
will be pleased to see the change.
Should any one who reads these words
l>e suffering from an insatiable hunger
for a paper that aims at elegance of dic
tion, high-toned logic and pink-cambric
sentiment, at a moderate price, he will
do well to call at this office and look
over our goods. Samples sent free on
application to any 2>arfc of the United
States or Europe. We refer to Herbert
Spencer, the Laramie National Bank
and the Postmaster of this city as to
our reputation for truth and veracity. —
Laramie Boomerang.
TUE OLD-FASHIONED EDITOR.
"We were grieved to hear the other
day of the death of one of Michigan's
jolliest pioneer editors — almost the last
man of a band who published weeklies
in the State when a coonskin would
pay for a column "ad," and three bush
els of corn dumped on the office floor
stood for a year's subscription. Never
a publisher was more liberal with his
space. It was hard work for him to
charge for anything except the tax list
and mortgage sales, and he measured
short even on them. One day in the
years gone by this paper copied an at
tack on a county official, and old Mark
was dozing at his desk when the injured
party stalked in and began :
"You are a coward, sir — a cow
ard
"Mebbe I am," was the editor's com
placent reply.
"And I can lick you, sir — lick you out
of your wrinkled old boots !"
"I guess yon could," answered Mark,
as he busted the wrapper of his only
exchange.
"I am going to write an article calling
you a fool, liar, coward, cur, slanderer
and body-snatcher, and will go over to
lonia and pay 5 cents to have it pub
lished!"
"Hey?" queried the old man as he
wheeled around.
"Yes, I'll pay 5 cents aline to have it
published. "
"Say, let me tell you something," re
plied Mark. "I've got 200 more circu
lation than the Banner, and 111 pub
lish your attack on me for 2 cents a
line and take it out in mill feed or corn
stalks ! Don't trot over to lonia when
you can help build up your town !"
Mark would have published it word
for word, just as he said, and thrown in
a cut of a horse or a stump-puller free
gratis, but the official cooled off. — Ex- !
change.
*>
PRINTERS' Jill US.
Somebody writes as follows to th«
Christian World, of London: "In your
last I saw what, I regret to say, is com
mon to nearly every newspaper — more
than one correction of errata, accompa
nied with the remark (now stereotyped)
' Printer's error.' I trust I may not be
considered presumptuous in saying a
word in defense of the now great army
of *-j pographists, whose apparent igno
rance is so frequently exposed in pub
lic. One error pointed out in your last
btrae was that of a reverend gentleman
whose name had been printed 'Lemon'
instead of 'Seinon.' If, in such a case
in this, the original copy were re
ferred to, the capital letter would, no
doubt, be found written so like an 'L '
that no compositor, unless he were a
veritable English directory to himself,
vrontd have been able to distinguish the
uiirereuce. More correct would it be to
: •■: ".", not 'printer's error,' but 'author's
illegibility.' Some writers literally
t.ihe Marie Twain's sarcastic advice,
'Don't write too plainly. Avoid all
paiii- taking with proper names. We
krow the full name of every man, wom
an and child in the United States.'
Then, too, some of our authors pander
in the practice of quoting foreign
Erases. The writers may know several
languages; but they ought not to ex
pect that compositors are linguists, or
that, they have received a collegiate ed
ucation. Seme have, by dint of their
own perseverance, acquired a knowledge
oi some of the living and the dead
tongues; but this ought not to be pre
sumed, as a rule. If a Latin or French
quotation be misprinted, the ignorance
of the printer is paraded before the
public. It is not, sir, as you can testi
ly, that the average printer cannot pro
duce his author's mind ; the fact is that
too many of our gifted writers cannot
write. They scribble; and what is usu
ally of the greatest importance is in
dited in the proverbial 'spider-and
ink ' style. Whatever be the subject of
his author, whether linguistical, scien
tific, argumentative, theological, polit
ical, social or economical, the printer is
expected to understand it all ; for, un
less he understand it, it may be full of
'printers' errors.' But, beside this, he
has often literally to translate, by te
dious ciphering, the handwriting placed
before him, and this is sometimes a:;
difficult an art as to make out the hiero
glyphics of Cleopatra's needle. A word
to the wise is sufficient. That word,
Mr. Editor, I would respectfully sug
gest to authors, is : 'Hear the other
s : de.' I will not trouble the compositor
with the Latin."
I MISTAKE ABOUT EDITORS.
It is strange, but nevertheless true,
that there seems to be an impression
among the people that editors of rural
journals live in two-story brown-front
dwellings, all fluted up the back, with
flounces three deep all around it and a
double row of buttons running diagon
ally across the front. We write this to
inform them of their mistake. Editors,
especially those in Nebraska, are not
boated millionaires, fattening upon the
labors of the toiling millions, and
riding through the streets in an ebony
paneled tally-ho four-in-hand driven by
an Henglisfa coachman with a cocked
hat, and attended by liveried servants
who anticipate their every wish and
perform with obsequious willingness
the imperious dictates of their auto
cratic will. The editors of the rural
press in the "Great American Desert"
are not that kind of hair-pins. That
kind don't thrive in this climate. — Blue
Valleu (Neb.) Blade.
z PITH AND POOT.
The "engine-ear ought to be on the
donkey engine.
The Harvard Lampoon says a Cam
bridge ton of coal is the champion light
weight.
The greatest talker in existence
could not talk long enough to tire a
wagon wheel.
The diamond is the stone for an en
gagement ; but give us tho old cobble
stone in a free fight.
"Misery loves company." That*
the reason a hen-pecked husband ad
vises his friends to many.
One who knows says that in the
the country they blow a horn before
dinner, but in town they take one.
A YOUNG ladies' seminary blew up
the other day down East. *It is sup
posed that a spark got into the powder
room.
"Dwo vos schoost enough, budt
dree was too blendy,"' remarked Hans,
when Iris girl asked him to take her
mother along with him to the dance.
Country yokel (to his son, at a con
cert,during the performance of a duet) —
"D'ye see, Tom, now it's getting late,
they're singing two at a time, so as to
get done sooner."
Euchered : Jack (admiringly)— " You
are a trump, Miss Marian." MissM. —
''AVhy do you cail me such a name as
that?" Jack (triumphantly) — "Because
of your taking tricks."
Somebody has discovered that the
correct pronunciation of the word
Khedive is "Kedowa." They might as
well tell us that the proper way to pro
nounce bee-hive is l»ehowa.
"You have been very faithful," said a
merchant to his clerk,*'' and as a reward
a pleasant little vacation is in store lor
you.'' There came a rush of business,
and the clerk's vacation turned out to
be a vacation in store. — Burlington
Free Press.
The fat woman oi' a down-town mu
seum recently married the "living skel
eton" belonging to the same show.
The youth of the Yonkers Statesman
sententiously remarks that she proba
bly went on the theory that "nearer tho
bone the sweeter the meat."
Some railroad employs a female
switch-tender. Those officials are on
the right track— women ;tre ahead of
anything as switch-tenders, as when
they are on duty the switch is never off,
and then they are always posted on the
proper time for trains, you know.
11l snowy and blowy;
I'm fre:xy, breezy, sneezy and wheezy;
I'm mad, t;lad and sad;
I'm hazzardous and blizzardous ;
I.m airy, hairy, flary and scary; ,
I'm clinging, ringing and stiuirinsr:
I'm bawling, K»wlin(* «nd growling;
I'm changy, rangy and man fry ; , ;•
I'm horrid, florid and an; i-torrid ; A
I'm bilious, tedious and touijh; ,t'&t
I'm terrible, tricky and aro- : *Vi»
I'm fearless, cheerles and rough; . '?:•:
I'm had and my name is March. ' '*
—Danri-tM' Ado&rtisw
She said : "For her part, she had no
opinion of these new-fangled nice folks
that are so dreadful particular al>out
'diet, 'and cant eat nothing but vege
tables and such flummery. She called
'em fools, as the Psalmist did." And
when some one inquired for tho passage,
she cited Psalms <?vii. 17, 18, to wit:
Tools, because of their transgression
and becartse of their iniquities, are
afflicted ; tboir soul abhorreth all man
ner of meat." — Oongregatkmalist.
"Arrested for carrying a pistol, was
be ?" asked a magistrate of an officer,
referring to a gentleman who had just
been arraigned. "Let's see the pistol."
The weapon was produced, and handed
to the Judge, who examined it, and
asked — "Where did you get it?"
"Bought it at a hardware t tore." ""What
did it cost?" "Fifteen dollars." "Fine
implement. How'll you swop ?'? And
the Judge drew out a pistol, and handed
it to the prisoner. "Take $10 to boot."
"All right, I'll fine you $10. That
makes us even."
Sailors.
Sailors are sea-dogs that never bite,
because they are usually confined to
barky. They go to sea in ships, but
prefer schooners — when on shore. A
sailor is an odd specimen of humanity,
but nevertheless has his mates, His
main business is handling ropes, nick
named lines. They are hard lines, but
the sailor always complains when he
comes to the "rope's e:ui"; — perhaps be
cause he has to Lack up to it. He is
fed on hard, tack, and, being constantly
engaged on spars, is an unpleasant op
ponent to tackle, especially as he usual
ly spars with yard-arms. The fact of
his being "piped to grog"' illustrates
the tendency of smokers to become
drinkers. Ever alert, he is a singularly
ignorant man for one living where ev
erything is taut.
He differs from the sails upon which
he depends, as they are steadiest when
they are full. — Detroit Free Press.
Couldn't Borrow a Monkey - Wrench
There.
Mr. O'Hagan has a sheep-ranch on
the Medinia. A stranger drove up to
his place the other day. The stranger '
had broken some part of his wagon
and wanted to borrow a monkey
wrench. When the stranger shouted
"Hello!" Mrs. O'Hagan (Mr. O'Hagan
being from home) came out to the
fence.
"Wie gehts. Dot vas a very fine
morning to-day. It vas a monkey
wrench I vanted to find, und dose
beoples at dot house pelow dold me al
ready dot you keeps a money- wrench."
"Holy Moses! Kape a monkey
ranch ! Ye dirty spalpeen ! Ye miser
able, low-lifed blaggard, to be accusin'
a dacent woman of kapin' an establish
ment ay that character! A monkey
ranch is it yer lookin' for ? I'm think
in', from your looks, that that's about
the kind of a ranch you would "feel at
home in. Get out ay here, and if ye
don't scatter dirt behind ye purty
quick it's an illiphant-ranch yell be
thinkin' ye have struck and that the
illiphants are stampadin' over yer ugly
carcass! — Texas lings.
A Yankee coachman was driving some
Englishmen about Boston recently, and,
at last, brought them to the monument
on Bunker Hill. "Ah, yes," said one
of the explorers, "I believe this is the
place where we Englishmen gave you
Yankees a sound thrashing, isn't it?"
The driver scratched hie head and then
quietly replied: "Mister, can you tell
me who owns this parcel of ground at
the present time ? "
Ges. Be^ Btjtleb, at tne dinner ox
the Boston Press Club: "Men look to
you, not for long, leading editorials,
for they are of little consequence, but
for the keen paragraphs which cover
the whole situition in a word or
phrase. ;>
Confirmation or Second Ee-Asssesssment
for Ming lactulin Street
Office of the Bcabd of Public Wobks, >
City of St. Paul, Minn., August 20, 1883. )
The second re-assessment of benefits, costs and
expenses arising from the grading of Mackubin
street from Dayton avenue to University avenue
in the city of St. Paul, Minnesota, bavin? been
j completed by the Board of Public V\ oiks', in
and for said city, said board will meet at their
office in said city at 2 p. m ,on the 3d day of
September, A. D., 1883, to hear objectiors (if
any) to said re-assessment, at which time and
place, unless sufficient cause is shown to the
contrary, said re-assessment will bo con
firrr ed by said Board.
The following is a list of the supposed own
ers' name?, a description of the property bene
fited, and the amounts assessed against the same,
to-wit:
Woodland Park Addition to St . Paul .
Supposed owner and
description. Block. Benefits.
Charlotte D Carpenter, E 152 feet
of 22 £185 00
Supposed owner and description. Benefits .
Alanson Messer. Commencing at north
west corner of Mackubin street and
Poitland avenue; thence north on west
line of said Mackubin street 25 feet
more or less to land owned by S Mes- *
ser; thence west along said Messer's line
108.62-100 feet; thence south 25 feet
more or less to north line of said Port
land avenue; thence east 108.62-1(0
feet to beginning; being part of block
18, Woodland Park addition to St.
A, Paul -\V * 15 00
Alanson Messer. Commencing at a point
on west line of Mackubin . street where
the line of land formerly owned by
Warren Carpenter intersects said
west lino of Mackubin street;
thence north 50 feet; thenco
west 108.62-100 ft; thenca south 50 it;
thence east 108.62-100 ft to beginning;
being part of block 18, Woodland Park '
Addition to St. Paol $30 00
Sub-Division of Blocks 19, 21, and part of Block
20, Woodland Park Addition to St. Paul.
Supposed owner and
description. Lot. Block. BereSts.
James BBeals 13 21 §6100
J Cunningham 12 19 6100
Same 13 ]0 ■ i'l 00
Woodland Park Addition to St. Paul. •
Supposed owner and
description. Lot, Block. Benefits.
LonaßKnox 22 15 $76 00
Nathan Gallup 13 14 6100
Wm Huelster 13 10 69 00
J W Bishop 1 4 150 00
Mackubin & Marshall's Addition to St. Paul.
Supposed owner and
description. Lot. Block, benefits.
(iustavo Carlson 16 20 8100 00
Carl Simmon IB lo 100 00
Same m 16 00 00
Marshall's Subdivision of Block 27, Mackubin
& Mar-hall's Addition to St. Paul.
Supposed owner and
description Lot. Benefits.
Thomas P Wilson l $134 00
Same 2 l 0 00
W L Wilson. North 113.25-103 ft of
East 427 ft of 8 110 00
Mackubin & Marshall's Addition to St. Paul
Supposed owner and
description. Lot. Block. Benefits.
JASabin 16 13 $100 00
ARCapehart 1 12 200 00
J E Dow, at S^of... 1 4 84 00
M C Workman, SK of 1 4 84 00
Michel's Subdivision of Block 14, Slinson's
Division, St. Paul.
Supposed owner and
description. Lot. Block. Benefits.
Carl Schultz 30 1 $50 00
Smith's Subdivision of Stinßon'6 Division, St
Paul.
Supposed owner and
description . Lot. Block Benefits,
Jacob Helfmnnn 31 15 $50 00
Henry Swift 4G 15 5J 00
All i-bjo j of s to said re-assessment niur-t be
made in wririj g and filed with the Clerk of said
Board at i a-t use day prior to said meeting.
John C. Tzbbt, President pro tern.
Official: 1;. J.. GOBMAN,
Cl-rk ii...ir.l of Public Works. 235-237
CONTRACT WORK.
Grate Elm street.
Cry ! gs of the Eoaed of PUELIO WC3E£, ;
City of St. Paul, Minn., Aug. 201b, IScS. {
Sealed bids will bo received by the Board of
Public Works in and for tho corporation of the
City of St. Paul, Minn., at their office in
eaid city.until 12 m., on the 3d day of September,
A. D. 1883, for the grading of Elm street, from
Wilkon street to the right of way of the Chicago,
Milwaukee & St. Paul Railway company, in
saidcity, according to plans and specifications
on file in tho office of said Board.
A bond with at least two (2) sureties, in a
sum of at least twenty (20) per cent, of the
gross amount bid must accompany each bid.
Tho said Board reserves the right to reject
any or all bids.
JOHN C. TEBIJY, President pro tern.
Official: R. L. Gorman,
Clerk Board of Public Works. 239-243
JSDERTASE2S
BTEES BEOS..
fEßtabli6hedJlßso.]
lilanufacturers'of Furniture. Live Geese Festh<
era and Mattresses.
.Mineral Directors. Solo Agents for Me:allio
Burial Caskets r.r.d Dices, Cloth and Wood
Caskets .
Corner Third and Minnesota Ets,
C.J.M'CARTK*. J. G. DOSSELLI
ffOAPiii & mmi
UNDERTAKERS.
54WaD£sUaw street, opposite Post tin»
Calls artewered at all hoars. Embalm in
a specialty. Best hearse in the city, and £r.e*
carriages at lowest rates. Funerals c&r.d^cwd
and satisfaction tronrantaad
MISS LAURA W. HALL,
TEAC3EB OF
FUIQ, OBGAB AMD 31EWIT.
Keeidence,
So. 162 Western Avenue, St. Antliouy Bill,.
ST. PAUL, MINN.
Agent for BBAINAIID'S MUSICAL
WORLD, published at Cleveland, Ohio. It has
been published over 20 years, and ie acknowl
edged to be the ablest and beet, as well &k the
oldest musical journal in the country. Every
teacher, amateur and pupil should have it.
Fiice ?1 .50 a year. Addre6& as above. Notified
by poets] card, Mies H. will call at &ny residence
in the city and receive subscriptions.
3
