Newspaper Page Text
Jcf.n KcnaVick Bangs
t. m .. i t;:.t, by .h.s'i!i ti. 1
' 1 n:u. .in' alius have lf.-j. a first
ri;i l!"piib'iiciin." said SI Wot her-
oon. lu !(ii!i himself to a handful vt
ru:!t; nut of tht ln'x on tin- end of
liic cii'.ni'iT, ' but 1 must say that If
tin- ihm national convention pa's a
ii.ivr fakir plank in the platform I'll
1 v Mirt of up a tree. 1 think th' presi
dent tiieunj. alt ripht. but bomr'imcs
1 'pears to nit to sin ak a little bit
' O casienally be does," said the Cap
Viin. ' Not often l reaps, but often
J:.o::sh to keep tbinus Ruin" some."
' New in t'ae nater fakir proclama
tion o' i is." continued Si, "be don't
f ctition that then- story o" n.ilaam's
. an' et it seems to hip be iniuht
('. j'ift as reasonable as plcklu' a
! '!. r- up lor sayin' that an t nta!!"d
r i'1'it ( hewed up th' vermiform np-pe:-.i;
of a buffalo that bad invaded
the n:n y of bis home."
Yoi len t .seem to pee that that
tV.i re I labium's As- was a miracle, HI,"
mid the Postmaster, lnjally flylm; as
In du'y hound, lo the defense of the
:.i!iiiiistv.itloii. 'That fact makes all
tt ijifferi nee they is In the world."
'Their' a lot In what ye say. SI,"
Fn! ! i!.e Captain, ' hut ye've rhose the
wrotiir story to bans the p'lnt on.
'1'li' re wjirn't imthin' extryoi d'nary
about that there story o' Italnatn's. If
je'd took tin- s' " n' I'aniel in th'
lion s ih n. or that one about the bears
that cii:;e out tin' rat up the bald
1.4 eli' I lean "
"Tl 4 at tip the rhildren. Cap."
.tid Mil" I'ostniiister. "for callln' the
!d f- li r liald lw ad- d "
Thai's so I'll forpot just how that
vas," said the Captain. "I'm pettln'
a iUtle rusty in my history, they're
nialiin' so mueh that's new these days.
Anyhow. Si s p'int 'Id be s'ronper if
Ik d broimhl in rltber ' tln ni tales
thau it is with the story o' I'al.iani's
"I don't sf why." p- the I'ostmns
ter. "There's lots o' men who haven't
been rat by buimry lions, an' plenty o'
kids that has been eat by hears, but
who beside lialaam ever beard an ass
"I have," said the Captain
"You?" cried the Postmaster.
"In this here town last summer,"
said the Captain.
"Humph!" ejaculated the Postmas
ter Iticri'dulously. "Whai'd bo talk
"Pretty nlph everytbln' under the
?r.nopy." said the Captain. "I think I
must o' had a dozen talks with him off
q' on through the summer. The first
:hins be. spoke about was the weather.
wa settln" out In front o my house
one afternoon, an' this hero jackass
name browsln' along the road, an
when ho see me. he 8topxd In front o'
the ato an" said it was blamed hot.
Yes." says I, but It ain't as hot as It
was In the summer of eighteen hun
dred an' eighty-seven, when one ' my
hens fell into the well, an' laid hard
boiled cpRs for six weeks afterwards.'
lie allowed that that was putty hot,
V I IPvT
"It'a Blamed Hot."
but ho didn't think It was as hot as it
was ono day when ho was down to
Boston when a couple o" steers pasuln'
up Tremont street was cooked all
through before they'd gone two blocks
so that tho Kiiosts o' the Parker house
como out an' got their roast beef on
the hoof. 'No,' says I, 'It wasn't as hot
as that. Hut llkewlso that was a cool
lay compared to the ono we had here
In August, eighteen hundred an' ninety
two, when we pfcked baked apples
right off the tree back o' tho icehouso,
an' my ther'momter In th' cellar rlz
ao fast It plugged a hole through the
kitchen floor au' went straight on up
through the roof an' perched on the
chlmbly for ten minutes before dlsap
pcarln' In the clouds.' "
"What'd he say to that?" laughed
"Nothln'," said the Captain. "He
looked at me out o' tho corner o' hla
eyes, nr,' ambled off up the street, an'
disappeared round tho euro leadlu'
flown to tl.o beech."
t i VsZt I till III I IV
"He proMy thought you waa lyin
to Mm, an' took offense," suggested
"No. I don't think so, because he
cam" bark the next afternoon about
the same time," said the Captain. "He
stopped at tho gate Jest as he did
before, an' stlckln' his nose over the
fence ho ast me If we had much light
nln around here. 'Yes,' says I. 'That
Is, they have a lot o' what they call
llghtnln" around here, but It ain't knee
high to a- Katydid 'longslde o' the
Hahfiiln' they have finther up the
toast.' An' then 1 told him about a
stronk that come along ono night on
my father's farm tip back o" Pur Her
itor, an" htayed with us for five full
(lays. Most lltthtnln' comes like a
flash, does what. It has lo Cn and dia
appeal, 1 says to him. Hut this here
streak took a fancy to a sixty acre
track o' woods we had. au' kep workin'
away on It for five days, at the nd of
which time It had knocked down all
the trees, burnt the timber, trunk,
branch nn' stump, an' then plowed up
the field so's we was able to sow it
with corn when he'd got the Job fin
ished an' disappeared.' 'Kvit been
struck?' says he. 'Yes.' says I, 'tlois-
ns of times. Last time it hit mo was
summer before last. I was settin'
ripht where I am now talkln' to an
other jackass, when a bolt seven
Inches wide come In the kitchen door,
through the house an' right out here
right behind me. It took me be
tween tho shoulders an' when it got
through with me I found myself set
tin' on the deck of a lumber schooner
seven miles off York Harbor, ma kin'
for Hoston an' without a scratch, an'
pullln' away on my clay pipe, which,
by the way. the llghtnln' had lit, I
havin' only Jest filled it when the bolt
come along.' 'That's goln' some,' says
he. 'I'd hate to ho struck like that my
self.' 'You ain't In no danger,' Bays I.
'Llghtnln' never strikes hrnss.' 'It
killed old Annjnlas.' says he. 'Yes,'
says I. 'That's ono reason why I ain't
afeard of it." Hecauso It never strikes
in the same placo twice?' says he.
'No,' says I. 'Hecauso I ain't made o'
"It Took Me Between
tin? same moral material.' nays I. An'
then be moved on again."
"He was a pretty clever nss, scorns
to me," said the Postmaster.
"He thought so himself," said the
Captain. "Anyhow be thought he
was smart enough to como
hack again a couple o' days later an'
bring two of his friends with him.
'Good afternoon," says he with an a3
sinlne grin an' a wink at tho other
two. 'Is it." says I. 'I ain't noticed the
weather.' 'My friends an' I have come
around to ask how the lobsters is
runnln' this years,' ho says. "Oh, have
ye?' says I. 'Well, I can't exackly
say ye might' ask your friends to
give an' exhibition run up an" down
tho road, an' ye can ace for yourself,
only,' says I, 'ye'd better not let Tom
Seevy ketch ye with 'em.' 'What's
Tom Seevy got to do with it?' he asks.
'He's the town constable,' Bays I, 'an'
from a bird's eye view o' your friends
I'm afraid they're under size. Ye'll
be fined fifty dollars for havin 'em In
your possession.' He brayed for two
hull minutes when I said that, but his
friends wasn't p'tlc'larly pleased an'
made off up to the hotel where they
was stablin'. He sort o' lingered
around 's If he hadn't bad quite
enough, an' after awhile he says: 'Any
shootln' around here?' 'Well,' says I,
it all depends upon what ye call
shootln'." If ye want deer an' pah
trldge, they ain't as plenty as they
used to be, but if you'd like to bring
down a few shuffers yo can set right
down here In my yard an' pop 'era by
the dozen, 'an' I Gorry,' I says, 'I'll
lend you my gun t do It with.' 'What's
shuffers?' says he. 'Snuffers is little
brass monkiesBays I, 'that these here
summer folks on their way from Hos
ton to liar Harbor hires to run their
ottermobyles.' 'O,' says he. 'You
mean show-fours.' 'Oh, do I?' I Bays.
'Well, jest you bag a couple o' dozen
with my old blunderbuss, an' you an'
I won't quarrel about how to pro
nounce 'em.' 'Do you objeck to the
ottermobyle?' he says. 'I object to
anythln' that makes my flower garden
smcTl like a gashouse,' says I, 'runs
over my hens without so much as a
word of Borrer, an' turns the occasion
al visit o' the midnight skunk Into a
beautiful an' fragrant mem'ry.' Then
that Jackass begun an' told me what
a lilessln' them ottermobyles was to
the farmer. How it brought people
Into our midst, who bought our eggs
an' butter, an' paHernized our road
houses, an' eat our doughnuts. '.May
bo so,' says I. 'Maybe so! Put i ain't
noticed that I ever ast to have any
people come Into my midst. My midst
ain't more 'n mlddlin' strong any
ways,' I save, 'and It'a got all It can do
dlgestln' its own troubles without bur
denln' Itself with tho trial of the gas
olene aristocracy from the cities. At
for the butter'n eggs,' 1 sayi, 'all th
butter, n eggs they consume Is the
butter they spread on the country
side, an' the eggs they scramble la the
highway when their chariots o fire
bump Into our waggins goln' around
turns at forty miles an hour." They'a
profit In that, nn' I ain't sayln' that
soma o' th' farmers up round here
don't load their wngglns an' sort o'
lay around waltln' to be run Into for
"He Brayed for Two Hull Minutes."
the sake of a quick sale, but that sort
o' thlnu don't breed no permanent
"You was ihad right about that,"
said SI Wnlherepnon. "I've tried It
myself, an' it don't pay, considering
the time ye lose waitln' for an olter
mobyle to come an' bump ye."
" 'Taln't good business anyways,"
said tho Captain. "An I said as much
to that there jackass, an' then he
launched out into a loti distance talk
on prosperity in general; how much
more real money they was in clrcky-
the Shoulder a."
Intlon than they used to be; what a
boon to the country the trusts was, un
til finally I got bo gol-derned tired o'
th' sound of h'.s voice that I went to
sleep, an' when I woke up he'd gone."
"An' ye mean f tell us that this was
a real jackass!" observed the Post
"Well, ye can Judge for yourself,"
said the Captain. "The last talk I had
with him was on the subject o' this
here post office. He said it was the
worsCi.un, all-firedcat slowest, injst In
comp'tent, eighteenth class rural slow
delivery shootln' match he ever see
in his life. He said the poBtape stampa
he sold here was stale, an' left a tasto
like sour Ippycack In your mouth
when ye licked 'em. He said his news
papers nine times out o ten was cov
ered with m'lassea when thoy was de
livered, an' that half his letters smelt
o' kerosene oil, an' th' other half o'
dried herrin's, an' he thought It was
a disgrace to the country to have a
fed'ral institution as Important as the
post office run as a side Issue to a run
down, tnttered an' leaky old combina
tion of a grocery an' fancy notion
store in charge o' some old moss-back
of a 'farmer tryit didn't know the dif
ference between a mall bag and a keg
"He said that, did he!" aatd tin
Postmaster, flushing up.
"Them was his exact words," said
tho Captain. "An he added that the
next time he was down In Washing
ton he was goln' t' speak to tho au
thorities and ask 'em if they couldn't
change their historic policy of put
tin' post oflice8 In groceries, an give
th' undertakers, an village barbers a
chance at tho treasury."
"All right, Cap," said the Postmas
ter, rising. "Ye've proved your p'lnt.
lie was a good all round jackass, all
"Yes, sir, he was," said the Captain.
"And a derned Intelligent one, too."
"Yes," said the Postmaster. "An I
guess the president's surrounded by
that kind down In Washin'ton, too."
"I guess bo is," observed the Cap
tain. "They have 'cm pretty much ev
"An" they're Incurable," said tho
Postmaster. "As long as a jackass
has four legs there's hope for him, but
the two-legged kind with a big mouth
and a pin head O, well, what's the
use?. They're too common to be con
"Yob, they bo," agreed the Captain.
"Maybe that's the reason tho president
didn't think it was wuth while to rako
old lialaam over- the coals, Joe. I
guess he knew the breed '
MISSOURI STATE HEWS j
When live stock goes up a cent the
wholesale prle.e of meat Is advanced
1'4 cents, and the retail prlco from
1' cents to 2 cents. Hut when the
operation la reversed.' as at present,
the 1 and 2 cent declines on live stock
are accompanied by V4 cent reiluctlona
on the wholesale prices, which whit
tle the decline down to nothing on
retail prices. How can you expect
your butcher to cut off an entire cent
from his price when ho baa (jot ' but
half as much reduction from the
wholesaler? For this are tho meat
combinations responsible. Wo do not
say Hint the Usury are precise, but
the rule of preventing tho declines
from keeping In proportion with tho
uilvni'.ces him constituted the great
method of mnking the margin between
live meats ami Ibnt sohl to the con-
Butner greater than ever before.
The State Waking Up.
There Benna to bo a general awak
ening In Missouri Kural delivery nml
the telephone are iloing great things
for the farmers ami these conven
iences bavo mmle them eager for
many others which they have not, but
Bbonbl have. Kvery rural paper In the
statu is enthusiastically for roiwl Im
provomeiit, nml the "pullbacks" who
would have bowled against road bonds
a few yenra ago arc now falllns In
with the majority. All over the state
wenlthy farmers are purchasing auto
mobiles, whTle several motor car lines
between towns nre being projected
and one Is actually established. When
one considers tho splendid position it
already hobla, despite handicaps, and
its Inexhaustible resources, tho future
of Missouri In tho new era of pro'rrestj
appears certain to bo innanificcnt.
Kansas City Star.
Blessed With Plenty.
It seems rliliculous to talk nbout
bard times with plenty on every hand
and a good demand therefor. Mlssou
rl can congratulate herself that she
will not hnve to s.'tid nwny for any ol
the necessaries of life. This means
that necessarily there need bo no
money jnt out to othfr points, but
on tho contrary, she has a largo sur
plus of pio.lucts that must bring In a
large number of dollars. There Is not
a farmer that is not more than ru-
p!ii?d with products of the farm to
care for all bis stock. In many In
stances the garnerfd crops will not
be needed lo carry tho stock through
the winter anil can be turned into
cash. Tho large amount of fall grass
nml roughness raised will bo ample
for stock not being prepared for the
Queer Legal Document.
This lognl document was filed in El
dorado Springs: "This agreement
entered into, by and between M. F.
Sibley, party of the first part, and
Elmer Koger, party of the secoml part,
wltnesseth: Party of the first part
agrees to buy party of the second part
a suit of clothes tobo selecteil by par
ty of tho second part, the considera
tion being thnt party of the second
part abstains from the use of tobacco
in any form until after the general
election In November, in the year of
our Lord, 1H0S. In the event that
party of the second part uses tobacco
In any form, party of the second part
agrees to buy party of the first part a
Bitlt of clothes of hia own selection."
Linn County Poultry Men Elect.
T. A. McDnnnald, of Hrook field,
won tho sweepstake special viler cup
offered by the Missouri State Poultry
association at tho Linn County Poul
try show, at Hrookfiebl. Officers of
the county association for the coming
year are as follows: President, Geo.
v. Chapman; first vice president, A.
F. McCartney; treasurer, E. J. Faut;
secretary, W. n. McGregor.
Sold Gasoline for Kerosene.
The coroner's jury has returned a
verdict holding J. Stem, a groceryman
of St. Joseph, accountable for the
death of Mrs. Sarah Dettia, an old
woman who was burned to death re
cently. It was brought out in the evi
dence that Mr3. Hettls purchased
sonic gasoline from Stern, believing
that it was coal oil. Legal 'action
probably will be taken by members of
thx- Hettis family.
Had Lived in St. Joseph 51 Years.
Thomas Kelly, C8 years old, a pio
neer of St. Joseph, died there recent
ly. Kelly hail lived In St.. Joseph 51
yeai'd. Ho ha4 been county reconler,
city nssessor, government census
taker nnd school census taktr. The
latter position he hehl 2" yerrs.
Geo. L. Mann Resigns.
Oaorge I. Mann, of Osceola' St.
Clnir county, bus resigned as a mem
ber of tho state board of law exam
iners and the resignation bus boon ac
cepted by yin supreme court. The
court will select his succeesor when
it meets In January.
To Employ Joplln's Idle Men.
The proposition to vote $90,000
bonds to construct storm and sanitary
sewers In Joplln and thus furnish em
ployment for the workingmen . this
winter, carried at a special election.
Only Jopllu laboring men will bs em
8oire Large Potatoes.
A Carroll county farmer grew Irish
potatoes so large that be could pile
enough of them on one arm waiter
Btyle to overflow a half-bushel racaa-uro.
BLOW AT ENGLISH BARMAID.
Move to Shut Out . Women from the
London. Efforts to save the young
women of the future in the United
Kingdom from taking up the life of
barmaids will be vigorously pushed at
Ifae forthcoming session of parliament.
The bishops of St Albans and Bir
mingham, the great frea church lead
ers; Revs. R. J. Campbell, John Clif
ford and Frederick B. Meyer,' and a
largo group of physicians, politicians
and scholars have memorialized H. 11.
Asqulth. chancellor of the exchequer,
to provide for the elimination of tho
onrmald In tho new licensing legisla
tion. However, they hav not asked
that the girls at. present eo employed
be driven out of busIneBS.
tt Is estimated that 100,000 girls are
engaged In tho saTe of Intoxicating
beverages in this country, and a con
siderable number -of theso are under
21 years of age and more than half
"The claim that the Influence of the
barmaid Is good in that It causes men
to drink less and generally behave
better In the saloons is not borne out
by the facts." said Rev. Mr. Campbell.
"The tratle papers' advertisements
clearly show that the girls nro em
ployed because they attract men to
saloons, and when men go to saloons
THIEF SPOILS GOOD RECORD.
Takes Clothes and Make Man Mis
Church First Time in 25 Year.
Minneapo?is, Minn. Church attend
ance records In the Young family wero
broken Sunday when for "reasons an
nexed," and good ones at that. T. W,
Young, living on Fourth avenue south,
did not attend worship on Sunday for
the first time fn25 years.
Mr. Young is ono of the pillars of
St. Stephen's church, having for the
past quarter of a century been Identl
fled with ail its workings, and his non
appearance at service on Sunday
morning placed tho church officers In
euch a predicament that J. J. Dugan,
a prominent church official, made an
investigation nnd discovered that his
coworker bud good cause for staying
away from church and he wasn't
It seems that lasteek Mr. Young
spnt to the laundry ail except his
needed wearing apparel, and on Satur
day night left the latter, which includ
ed his Sunday meeting clothes, in full
view of the habitual thief - who If
prone to wander about in the dead ol
night. This wanderer of Saturday
night found his way to Mr. Young's
home and carried away all that was
in Bight, ji-Mi tho result that Mr.
Young failed to put in an appearance
PREACHERS RING UP FARES,
Hard Times Drive Thfcm to Street
Cars in Smoky City.
Pittsburg. The Blackness in busi
ness here has made some strange
bedfellows in the Pittsburg Street
Railway company's business. It was
announced by that concern that re
cently It had taken on 20 college
graduates, four college professors
and two ministers of the Gospel as
street car conductors and motormen
In every case the new men have
been a success from the start, and in
ducements have been offered to keep
them after the slump has passed away.
The preference has been for conduc
tor' berths, though one of the minis
ters was compelled to take the JoL
of motorman until there could be
found a place for him with the punch
The other minister, according tc
the street railway people, is running
a "trick" which does not end until
two a. m., and he is getting along
famously with the tough crowd aftet
the saloons close. The railway peo
pie refuse to give names, saying it
would make matters hard for theli
new men, who are all that could be
DIARY EXPOSES SOCIETY GIRLS
M litres Find Notebook Holding 8
cret of Wealthy Servant.
Da v ton. O. Two aoclety girls of In
dlayolis, Mary Rosslter and Isabel
Farrer, members of well-known faml
lies, who are touring the country in ar.
effort to solve domestic questions lr.
th the interest of the servant Rlrl. so
cured places hero through the free em
ployment bureau, which was not In
formed of their mission.
A Dayton View family needed a gir!
for ho dlnins room and another tc
take charge of the silver and assist
In the dining room, and tho young
ladies secured positions In the same
home. But for the fact that one of the
p-iria nitsnlnepd her diarv. which was
found by the mistress they would still
be holding their places. However
virtenco was uresented to them
the glrla Immediately resigned and did
not wait for theli' pay. They left tot
another city, but are keeping theit
destination a secreL The tstils are out
the Interest of a club movement oj
Graft 1,974 Bit of Skin.
YVestboro, Mass. One of the most
rcmurkable skin-grafting achievements
on record has been completed at the
farm of J. G. Kestler, when tbe last of
1,974 pieces of skin was placed on tho
arm of Mrs. Kestler. All tbe pieces
were takon from the arraa and legs of
the husband. The operation has lasted
more than three months. Mrs. Kest
ler was severely burned in a kerosene
explosion last July, the right aide of
her body and her face being left with
out skin. Tbe entire ido 1 now cov
"Are you still troubled by your
neighbor' chickens?" asked one man
"Not a bit," was the answer. "They
are kept shut up now."
"How did you manage Itt"
"Why, every night I pat a lot of
eggs in the grass very carefully, and
very morning, when my neighbor was
looking;, I went out and brought them
THOUGHT CHILD WOULD DIE.
Whole Body Covered with Cuban Itch
Cutlcura Remedie Cured at Cost
of Seventy-Flv Cent.
"My little boy, when only an Infant
of three months, caught tho Cuban
Itch. Sorea broke out from bis head
to the bottom of his feet' He would
itch and claw himself and cry all the
time. He could not sleep day or night,
and a light dress is all he could wear.
I called one of our best doctor to
treat him, but he seemed to get worse.
He suffered so terribly that my hus
band said he believed he would have
to die. I had almost given up hope
when a lady friend told me to try the
Cutlcura Remedies. I used tho Cutl
cura Soap and applied the Cutlcura
Ointment and he at once fell into a
sleep, and he slept with ease for the
first time since two months. After
three application the sores began to
dry up, and in Just two weeks from the
day I commenced to use the Cutlcura
Remedies my baby was entirely well.
Tho treatment only cost 75c, and I
would have gladly naid 1100 if I could
not have got It cheaper. I feel safe in
saying that the Cutlcura Remedies
saved his life. He is now a bov of five
years. Mrs. Zana Miller, Union City,
K. F. D. No. 1, Branch Co., Mich., May
17, 190G." -
Not the Residence.
A 8outh Side household recently
employed a domestic who la a native
of Norway. The other day Freda an
swered a telephone for tbe first time.
"I this Mrs. Browning's residence?"
asked a voice over the wire.
"No'm," was the surprising answer.
"it'B her help." Kansas City Time.
THE MILK PANS are quickly cleaned
and rid of all greasy "feol" when
washed In Borax and water in the fol
lowing proportions 1 tablespoonful of
Borax to a quart of water. -
"It Is nothing to your credit to be
buying everything on time."
"You are wrong: It is everything: to
my credit." Houston Post
FITS, St. Vitus Dance and all Nervou
Disease! permanently cured by Dr. Kline's
Great Nerve Restorer. Send for Free 2.00
trial bottle and treatise. Dr. R. II. Kline,
lid., 931 Arch St., Philadelphia, Pa.
A good intention will no more make
a truth than a fair mark will make a
good shot. Spurstowe.
DO YOVR CLOTHES LOOK YKI.I.OWf
If so. uie Red Crou 11a II Iihie. It will make
them white aa snow. 2 o. package 5 cent.
Ills Satanic majesty Is probably
ashamed of some of his associates.
PILES Cl'RKD IN 8 TO 14 DAVH.
PAZO OINTMKNT U nniumil to cure hit raw
81 Itching. Blind, BlwxHng or fmtnnllna 1'ilc In
It Oajaorauiocrraf Boded. Mo.
After coaxing a girl to Blng a man la
apt to wish he badn'L
You always get full value in Lewis'
Single Binder atraigiit 5c cigar. Your
dealer or Lewis' Factory, Peoria, 111.
Despair Is the paralysis of the soul.
in winter? Better turn your
extra time into cash. I pay
3.00 per day, in cash, for good
worK, ana supply au ine capi
tal besides. Write for details
to-day. This offer will not ap
ATKINSON, IOJ4 Race St., rhnid-:lphh.
I PARktR'6 1
- HAIR BALSAM
il ChaniH aud bMutuut th. twla,l
PmauIii luunant growth. I
I J arm Faile to Br. tor Orasrl
1 . iir Hair to IM Youthful Color I
' 1 - Oiim Mtlp diHMt h.tr Wunit I