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A COMPi:OVISH VKIWICT. '.
IT IIADK I AIU TO KE J'KETTY SKVKHK ON THE
From the New-Orleans Times-Democrat.
•The queerest verdict I ever heard." said a law
yer from Denver, who was one of a story telling
group In the r.runcwald lobby, "was rendered at
a boom mining town in Southern Colorado back
in "88. The judiciary of the district had just been
organized, and one of the first cases called in
court was that c.f a fellow who was accused of
robbing Home sluice boxes. The evidence had
seemed conclusive at the time of his arrest, but It
developed later on. that the whole thing was the
put up ioii of a personal enemy, an.l the night be
fore the trial the chief witness got scared and
skipped out. The weakness of the case was un
known to the District Attorney, however, and
he proceeded to impanel a jury, which was com
pos,.! entirely of tough and illiterate miners none
of whom Kid ever served In thai .-npaclty before.
After hearing one or two minor witnesses the at
torney s-iw bow the land lay and abandoned the
prosecution. »•"> as a mere formality , the judge
old the jury to retire to their room and render a
verdict He supposed, of course that they would
be c.one only long enough to reduce II to writing,
and when an hour elapsed without hearing from
them he sent a bailiff to investigate. They want
to know what the extreme penalty is for grand
larceny.' reported the bailiff, after a conference at
the door. Tell them twenty years, said the judge,
unable to understand what they meant by such a
question. Presently the panel tiled la and an
nounced they had arrived at a verdict. We flnJ
the prisoner guilty.' said a big. raw boned pros-
I>ector who was acting as foreman. Guilty! ex
claim, the judge in amazement; 'why. there a
hint; at all against him! Nar> a — 77"
thing" replied the foreman calmly. 'Then what do
you mean b> such an outrageous verdict? demand
ed the Judge. Well. Yer Honor, we couldn't do
nolhiiT else." said the foreman. 'You told us
straight out to find this here verdict accordtn to
the law and the evidence, and the law pears to be
rill right, but there ain't no evidence whatsoever.
So we jest kind of decided to bring him In guilty
and ask Yer Honor to s;>lit the difference and let
hin. off on ten years.' When the judge recovered
his speech he dismissed the case on his own mo
tion. That's a true story, gentlemen. 1 happened
to be counsel for the prisoner myself.
Uh. lAtsT THK COVJiTf I'ItISTISG.
From The Kansas CHjr Journal.
The most characteristically Pop explosion which
h 1^ come from a Fuston paper since the election
In that of "The t'onconlia Kansan." edited by
• lomer liavics. who flon-H'd from MeKmiey to
Bryan after the election of UK It was charged
AN IMPOSSIBLE <ONIUTION.
First Servant— Don't you think we wm might
to hive a vote?
Second I>itto (emphatically*— No. you silly: we
should have to stop at the .-same place at least six
by the enemies of Davl;s that he had flopped for
the sole purpose of obtaining the county printing
from a Populist Board of Commissioners. He this
as it may. the fact remains that at the recent elec
tion the republicans elected a majority of the
Hoard, which loses Da tries the printing. This re
sult was doe to a lot of Populist voters who de
serted fusion and voted for the Republican ticket.
Addressing himself to these Hoppers (who had dis
tinguished precedent in the career of Dairies him
self>. the editor says:
"The blow falls doubly severe through the fact
that those who wrought (be damage to this paper
are those who masquerade under the name of Pop
ulists and Democrats. They .are the sour stom
ached, whining breed of men who fancy It to be
a crime to shave on.v ;• week, put on a clean
shirt once a month, and declare it the unpardona
ble sin to take a bath once a year. If they see a
man buy a beefsteak and pay cash for it they hold
a caucus at once and declare that the man bait
'sold out his party.' IT tins see that the editor
of 'our paper* has discarded the breeches which he
wore when they first met him a decade before, and
through the vestibule of which the gentle winds
play hide and seek, their suspicion is crystallized
Into a fact, and the information is bruited about
that at last they have the indisputable evidence
that the 'county has been robbed.' Hell is so full
of this breed of cattle that we fear there will not
be room for the lying Republican editors who fat
ten 011 their damned hypocrisy."
From The I>.-troit Free Pleas.
"You have not gone to Kurope. then. M yon ex
pected?" said Mrs. Fosdick to Mrs. Springs"
"No," was the reply It is .so difficult for Mr.
Rpriggs to leave his minim 1. and really I couldn't
Xo without him. And. then. I read the. other day
•>l>out a ship Hint broke her record. Think how
dreadful it would he to l>e oa a ship in the middle
of the areas with her record broken!"
From Vanity Fair.
In the flood of anecdotes which the betrothal of
the young Queen of Holland has let loose there is
one which has not, I think, been recorded in this
country. The Queen wax undergoing a geography
A 24-Hour Train to Chicago Every Day— NEW YORK CENTRAL,
NEW-YORK TltllUNi: lU.ISTKATI P SrH'i.F.MFM.
THK RULING PASSION.
. FIRST FNTIU.'SIASTIU OOLTOI I SAY. WILII YOU I'I^AY ANOTHER ROUND WITH -MX ON Til: U.-
SECOND ENTHUSIASTIC GOI.KER— WKI.U 1"M HOOKED TO BE MARRIED ON THAT DAY— BUT IT
CAM MS I"OSTI*ONED!— (lunch. *'¦ ¦ .:..::.
lesson, and her governess asked her to draw a map
of Northern Kurope. Holland naturally loomed
large in the chart, while the United Kingdom, a
mere dot. was skied somewhere In the Arctic re
gions. The governess insisted on a readjustment
of the Powers. Reluctantly her pupil brought our
unhappy country into a more temperate zone.
"But I simply won't make it any larger," she said.
BAIBISO THK FBB,
From The Chicago Tribine.
On tiiat particular yea it happened that the Na
tional political convention of which we are speak
ing was held in some other town than Chicago, and
the place was crowded.
Thin is how it came to pass that Colonel Hank
thunder, who went merely as a promiii. Nt citizen
of the Republic and had not taken the precaution
to engage a room beforehand, found himse'.f shut
out of the hotels and compelled to cheose lodgings
from a list of eligible private dwellings.
The woman of the house near the corner of Fish
st. and Poiato-ave.. the Srst residence at which he
railed, showed him th. only room she had to spare.
"That suits me. ma'am." he said. "How much
will it cost me for board and lodging here for the
next four days?"
"Well." sh:- ;.nsweicil. "thU is not a regular
Jo.NIi-; (whose wife ban told him to Rive th» cook notice, and baa been having richer an unpleasant time
ul consequence)— TAKK CARE. MARIA. DON'T PRESUME TOO FAR UPON BEING A WEAK WOMAN. OR 1
MAT KOROET MY STRENGTH!— (Kins.
boarding house, and I am only taking hoarder* be
cause I want to educate my hoy for a lawyer. I
shall have to charge you IS for the four days."
"Madam." loftily rejoined the Colonel, taking out
his pocketoook, "you wiii never educate your hoy
for a lawyer by giving him such an example is
that. I will pay you JML"
AX ELOQUENT LISTRSER.
From The Philadelphia North American.
Adlat Stevenson, the I>emocratic Vice-Presiden
tial nominee. is one of the best storytellers in the
United States, and during the first few years he
was In Washington he was considered a rival of
Chatincey Depew. He was ever ready with "that
reminds me," whether he was making a speech or
merely carrying on a general conversation. In the
Postal Department he was thrown in contact with
a great number of young men. and when one of
them was particularly embarrassed the statesman
usually put him at his ease by .telling a story.
On one occasion. Stevenson was making a trip
down the Ohio River on a steamboat, and was hav
ing difficulty whiling .away the time. He met sev
eral passengers, but was not interested in any one
until he was introduced to a well dressed man of
about twenty, whom he had noticed sitting alone
near the bow of the boat.
• Mow are you. my young friend said Steven
son warmly. • • •
The young man returned the handshake with a
great bow of appreciation, but said nothing. (Ie
looked .1 little embarrassed. :-'•» Stevenson decided
to tell him a real gn<xt story.' He related one of Ma
best, throwing his whole xool into his worda. anil
the young man smiled pleasantly throughout.
When the story wa> finished, Mr. Stevenson
asked one or two question*, but the young man
seemed embarrassed again, and another anecdote
wan told Tale after tale followed until the boat
drew into Ocvensboro. Ky. Then the young an
got up. shook hands politely and without a word
walked on shore.
A few minutes later Stevenson said to another
one of the passengers he had met:
"That boy I was talking to is one of the Mit
intelligent youni: fellows I have ever seen. There
Is si great future before him "
"Can you talk that language?" the other man
asked in surprise.
"What language?" _^ ,
'"The mute language, of course. That boy Is dear
"Well, he Is the most eloquent listener I've ever
known." said Stevenson; but he talked to no Other
strangers on that trip.
.1 TECETARtAS CRUHADE.
The reign of vegetables Is at hand, but we need *
crusade to bring it In. l.et noble verse be set to
noble music for that end. In the following lines wo
glorify rice That rice is superior to flesh meat is
easily proved. Who would throw mutton rhopn at
a newly married couple? No. we all acknowledge
that Innocent rice L; superior to mutton chops.
t Mi Jeff homo )
A Mighty Theme is mine— 'tis Mm
Hi w gentle and how very free from vice
Are those whose nourishment is mainly rice.
Far to the land of ayah and of syce.
Where peaceful peasants earn their humble pice.
There would I fly if I might have my -011100."
And revel In the luxury of rice.
Really. it doesn't want thinking of twice.
The gambler would quickly abandon his dice.
The criminal classes be quiet as mice.
If carefully fed upon nothing but rice;
Beautiful rice, -
What the heathen Chinee would call "velly fin*
All the wrong in the world wouM be right in a trice
If every one fed upon nothing but rice.
I MODIFIED FISH STORY.
From The Washington Star.
"The biggest fish I ever caught." began the story
teller, a scholarly looking party, who evidently
knew more about' schoolbcoks than fly book:*—
'Cot 1 way." interrupted a thin faced little man
with a nose like a shingle.
"I'm no liar." the story teller flared up. "Thi3 In
a true story, and I'm prepared to swear to It. It
was in the yea* l«o. when we had the hottest sum
"What are you reading, Doric?**
"Been naughty?"— (Punch.
"I didn't know the summer of '83 was so very
hot." said a man in a weather beaten straw hat.
'•If all you didn't know. " said the story teller,
"was piled on top of you. you'd be flatter than a,
flounder and deader than a mackerel. A3 I was
saying, in the summer of '89 a party of us went to
Upper Canada on a fishing expedition. It wasn't
hot up there a little bit. On the contrary, it was so
cold that the ice froze the first night we got there."*
"Gosh!" exclaimed the little, man with a shins'*
"As I was saying." said the story teller, showing
genuine sameness, "it froze the first night we got
to our fishing ground, but we went out the next
morning just the same, and I hadn't been fishing
more than fifteen minutes when I had a bite that I
thought was going to pull the boat under. I let go
of my rod and it went scooting through the water,
but I soon got it again, and the fight over the
water and under it began in earnest. I hadn't been
fishing for a long time and was nervous as tho
dickens, but I had some sense left, and I didn't in
tend to let that fish get away if 1 could help it. I
was so excited that I never did know how long I
tussled with it. but in time I landed him in the
boat, and he was the biggest one 1 ever caught in
my life. I was so ex"
"How much did he weigh?" eagerly inquired the
man in a straw hat. as he drew up close to the
"Kxaetly half a pound." said the story teller, as
serious as a sermon.
•You think you are dern smart, don't you?"
sniffed the little man with the shingle nose, as he
got up and walked outside, where he could set
more breathing room.
now dussisc snouiD he Mffjr.
From The London Globe.
The politeness of the London tradesman Is a
constant delight to philosophers awl those who love
gentleness. Here is an example which will be
hard to heat: "Madam." writes a very celebrated
firm to a debtor, "we beg leave most respectfully
to invite your kind consideration to our account
rendered. £ . and we would presume to hope it
will prove agreeable, and in accord with your
views and desire, to honor us with .1 cheek. Thank
ing 1 you for all past v ilued commands, likewise
those in anticipation, with your appreciable re
sponse we a-e. Madam, your obedient ser
I QUESTIOX OF DIUESsIOSS.
From The Indianapolis Press.
"What Jo you think of the Mm of ' i n i drains; the
present course of school studies?" aa&sfl the
facetious friend of the family.
"I don't care how broad they make 'era." an
swered Tummy, "no's they don't" lengthen '««."