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SECRET OF SUCCESS
NOW, "said the interviewer, after t*e great
man had told of his achievements,
"will you tell me to what you i-seribe your
" For publication or your own infomation?"
asked the great man.
"For publication," was the reply.
"Then say, " said the great man reflectively,
"that I attribute my present position to
industry, economy, perseverance, a determin
ation to succeed, and a general observation
of all the rules which, if you care to print
them at length, you may find in the biography
of any self-made man."
The interviewer laid down his ; pencil.
" For my own information," he said, "what
are the reasons for your success?"
"My relatives, friends and the grace of
God," responded the great man.
"My father and mother were perhaps re
sponsible for most. 1 love my ease as much
as any man. I delight to put off till to
morrow what I might do to-day; but my
parents cured me of that as far. as their
opportunities went. Through my uncle I
got my start in business. Many a time when
Opportunity has knocked at my door I have
been asleep and she has passed on but some
friend of mine has caught her by the ear,
brought her back and insisted on my em
" For the most brilliant of my achievements
there is absolutely no explanation. Most
were accomplished without previous thought,
at a chance meeting, or under circumstances
such as no living man could have brought
about. That is what I call the grace of God."
"Better let me print that," remarked the
"No," replied the great man. "The old
story is best. It may be tiresome to some,
but it's been told so often that no other will
* # *
She . "I do not want a single thing for
my birthday 1 shall be indignant if you
give me anything, and — " • '
He. "Yes, I understand dear Will a
WANTED ALL THE GOODIES
TEDDY was about to be ten years old.
* In view of this interesting event
Teddy's mother had ordered some ice-cream
and cakes and other dainties, and Teddy
was told to invite his little friends to a birth
day party The evening of the celebration
tame around, and all the goodies were waiting
to be enjoyed. Teddy and his mother were
Suddenly the youngster said " Mother,
don't you think it's time to eat the ice-cream
and cake now?"
"No, indeed, my son." she replied, "we
must wait until your friends are here "
"Well, to tell you the truth, mother,"
began Teddy, "I just thought that for once
in my life I'd like to have enough goodies,
so I guess we better begin now, cause I
didn't invite anyone."
# # *
Amelia H. of Uoonsocket writes to ask
if a man with an eagle eye is therefore a
bird Certainly not, Amelia. No more than
that the man who lives by his pen is neces
sarily a pig. •.'■:
* * #
THE DENTISTS BILL
WHEN Congressman John Sharp Williams
visits New-York he "never fails to
look in at a small kindling-wood shop pre
sided over by an old negro who was formerly
a retainer in the Williams family On his
latest call he found the old man unhappy.
"What's the matter, Lafe?" asked Mr.
" I'se just been done out o' some money,
Marse John, and that's mattah 'nough, "
replied the negro. "Had a torrible misery
in mah toof and went to a dentist and got
hit pulled, and he chaghed me a dollah,
a whole dollah. Why, once down in Tenn'see
I went to ole Doc Tinker, and he pulled two
toofs and broke mah jawbone, and only
changed me fifty cents. I'se been buncoed."
* * *
Johnny. "Pa, what's a poppler song?"
Pa. "A popular song, Johnny, is a song
that's so popular that it's unpopular."
* * *
A PONY'S INFLUENCE
LITTLE DICK. "Mamma, I think I'd
be a better boy if 1 had a pony like
Mother. "Better in what way. my boy?"
Little Dick "1 think I'd be more chari
Mother, surprised. "More charitable?"
Little Dick " Yes. Because then 1
wouldn't feel so glad when Tom's pony
runs away with him."
SUNDAY MAGAZINE for JANUARY 15. 1905
Plaint of an Ancient Cliff-Dweller
By Wallace Irwin
On a museum shelf lay a Cliff- Dweller s skull,
A yellow old relic of cavernous hollows.
Who Winked at me twice from his cavities dull.
And opened his grin and orated as follows:
"With tenants above you and lodgers below
And [K.rters and hall-boys wherever you've at.
You also may know the poor Cliff-Dweller's woe
Who lived in an antedeluvian flat.
"We moved in our cave. Mrs. Bear- Face and I —
A tenth floor apartment (five bones was the rental).
Twas a clay-finished suite with the ceiling* quite high.
And frescoes with shin-bones and teeth ornamental.
"But the tenants below and the tenants above
They worried us daily with this thing and that —
True hearts in a cottage may live upon love,
But not in an antedeluvian flat.
"The Stonehatchet-Smiths (sixth floor rear) how they'd fight!
And their daughter sang popular airs in soprano;
The Catts (two below) "JUi bridge parties all night,
And Speachandle- Jones played a home-made piano.
"Our bed-rooms, alas! were so stuffy and small
That the walls on both "sides with our elbows woe dented.
We piled all our furniture out in the hall.
For freight elevators were not the"n invented.
" We*carried- our groceries up ten flights of stairs
--■"(And that's a good deal for a delicate feller);
- The landlord was constantly putting on airs
And raising the rent on the poor old Cliff- Dweller.
" 'Twas'racket above us, 'twas rumpus below.
We sent in complaints, but they didn't mind that —
I ask but "your sympathy, stranger — you know
How mortal can sutler who lives in a flat. "
I uttere.d a sigh, which 1 couldn't refrain.
For this ghostly flat-dweller \vho lived ere the flood:
For the Man-in Apartments is bound to complain,
Be his tlat of mahogany, marble or mud.
Wi § c or Otherwise
By E. G. Holden
Heaven doesn't help those who help themselves to other people's property-
It does not seem to have to.
What Satan promises and "makes good " is bad.
A man does not have a "big heart" if it is only swelled with vanity, pride.
malice or envy.
He who looks at the earth only and what he can get out oi it never sees the sun.
If we lived as much like j>erfect men as pigs live like "perfect pigs."
the millenium would be here.
It is the bankrupts who pray "dive us our debts and we will forgive our debtors. "
A wolf in sheep's clothing fleeces himself.
Vain people are like small birds with enormous plumage. They wear
feathers several sizes too bjg for them.
If our neighbors were only as good as we are. lawyers would starve.
It is significant that when one seeks light on how to live he doesn't look
into a cannon or a gun-barrel.
Some people make their friends wish that the Lord had need oi them elsewhere.
He that loses a friend is careless.
Many a man every, day prays for his daily bread and then grumbles tiiraiMl
it isn't cake.
II you can't attend the heavenly feast because you've got a new yoke oi
oxen, take the oxen along tor the feast
Unlike the human being, the horse with the biggest "'pull" does the nest of
The apple of discord lies so near the vocal chords thai you ran hardly tell it
If men would only walk as straight outside the church as they do to their news!
Tltae PEn otlo^irsip lbex's dbs^m
By Nixon Waterman
They could not get her picture, though they tried and tried and tried —
The child was, oh, so restless! — till the picture-taker sighed:
If you will leave your darling quite alone with me a spell
I think that I can calm her." Said the mother: "Wry well."
The picture soon was taken, and the mother marveled much
That, though he was a stranger, the photographer owned such
A charm to calm her darling; so she asked her. later on:
"What did the nice man say to you, my dear, when I was gone?"
"He thaid to me," lisped Lucy: ""If you dare to stir or squall.
You red-nosed little jumping- jack. I'll eat you, clothes and all"
And then I tsat real still, mamma, till he thaid: 'That will do.
You dear, thwcet, little girlie girl!' and then he thent for you."
DIVISION OF TERRITORY
PHIL MAY. while visiting this eotzntry,
' one night lined with Stephen Crane
near the Washington Arch, New-York. The
dinner was more expensive than they I 1
intended, and when they emerged and sr... ••••'
up Fifth-aye they had only a few cental
This was a situation not to be endured
but Crane remained cheerful. " Never min-i. '
he said when they had gone a block, ' .n
artist I know has a studio right in this tnnld
ing Wait here. I'll run up. make a q^jk
touch and be back in two minutes."
But at tiie end of the two min-jte-, he
returned with the report that the stadia
was *■ bad They proceeded onward, 'le
vising ways and means. Meeting a friend
Crane explained their dire need, but the
friend unfortunately was in. the same con
dition. They went on till they reached
a small picture-shop where Crane believed
he was well enough known to claim relief . but
the proprietor proved to be stony-hearted.
" It's all right; Phil," said Crane as they
resumed their journey up the avenue " I
know ■ man just this side -A Twenty-thirfl
st. where we can pet all we need — that .
if he is in." he added with a touch of fori
boding. Just then an- unkempt man started
out from a shadow.
"Gents," he began in whmir. • tones, "'•. .:
you give a poor man a few pennies to j /
for a night's lodging?"
"What do you mean, sir?" cried '
turning on the man savagely. "Yf i
over on the other side of the street— . re
working this side'
• # »*
"I half believe that there's a ske!et^ ia the
"I shouldn't wonder. One day -sr.-n
Kissmore took me home with him m eatptct
edly to dinner 1 thought ! heard it t:. s wing
things at him out in the kitchen."
* * *
NEVER HEARD THE NEWS
WHE>» Bishop Meade was an <■■ thts»>
VV astic young minister he mv.'. many
missionary journeys into the wiL : the
On one occasion as he sat at the .' rcf
a mountaineer's hut refreshing hirr. : from
a tedious jaunt with the butterrriuk and m
pone the young mountaineer wife had (--red.
the enthusiast entered into the story ol the
Redemption to an interested audienc 1 I one.
As the story proceeded the yotmg - :r>an
from time to time uttereil cxclamati na of
surprise and delight.
' You don't mean to tell me," I the
young divine, feeling the sincerity her
surprise, "that you never before '.. ard
of "Christ and Him Crucified'?"
The young woman, realizing ft m his
shocked tones the magnitude of heri. ■: .nee.
put her fists into her eyes, drew up her t] m
to dry her tears, and cried apr *]■ .:•■:•. .!!y
and lamentably: "Oh. Mister.' L .-.•• vi
far from de Big Road, and my rev : ' \n
he don't never tell me no news'"
* * *
Little brother- " Rol!o. what is the dif
ference between a man and a boy?*"
Bigger brother. "A man is a boy that
is too old to be spanked; that's all the d:.'
ference." # % #
» NOBIDDY " ANSWERED
THE average small boy's opinion of himself
* is none too high, but the reply of a
small stable-boy in Chicago may scarcely
be taken as the average. A woman whose
husband kept the driving horse in one of the
many "boarding stables" in the city, tele
phoned the other day to have the horse and
carriage brought to the house. A strange
voice answered the telephone.
"Is this So &' So's stable?" queried the
"Yes,"' came the answer.
"Well, who is this?"
"Aw. 'taint nobuddy. Wait a minnit and
I'll call somebuddy," came the answer.
* * #
Weeks : "I laughed at my wife when she
first took up physical culture for a fad."
Peeks: "Why don't you now?"
Weeks: "I dassen't. "
* * *
HAD NEVER MET BEFORE
THEY had just been introduced.
* "Really." she said timidly. "Your face
seems so familiar to me I think we must
have met before."
"Impossible," he sighed; "if we had eve
met before I should either be engaged to
you, married to you or dead of a broke
heart ere this. "
No wonder she asked him if he would- .
like to wear her college-pin for awhile!