Newspaper Page Text
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SUNDAY MAGAZINE FOR APRIL 28. 1907
Up to Date Diction
ANGEL Child: " Father, what is meant by
. _. the phrase, 'back t<> .Nature'?'
Facetious Father: "Oh. that expresses a
man lying un<ler his motor tar, to see why it
won't go."
Angel Child: "Oh. I thought it meant a man
falling from his balloon.*'
It Was Still There
THE story is told of a clergyman, who, after
he hat] finished his ;er:non, beard one of
his congregation say, ".Yes.* it .was a good
sermon ; but hi stole it."
A short time afterward the preacher called
on the man, re*ented the accusation, and asked
him to retract what he had said.
"1 am not," answered the man. "likely to
take back anything that I have said; but in
this ease I will, fur on returning home ami re
ferring to the book whence ! thought you had
taken you? sermon, I found that it was still
there."'
Penalties of Eating
AWASHIM i
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A Change in the Formula
AYoTXi'i woman whose father had been one
of Judge Kellev's political lieutenants;
• •!■.<<• apphetl to him for a position, which he
pri ■::•.; <-.'l to j^tt for her the next day. The
Judge -a.is busy, .;:;■'. the following ilay when
the young woman called he had forg tten all
al».ut her case; but uwm being remindett,
apologized profusely and ti-id her to call t«>
m< rr< p\v.
The next <!.:>' the young w- man again ap
peared, but the Judge had again forgotten!
an,l ■ aid. - l'!ta-«- call t£m rrnw." Thi kept
u;> I. r several weeks, and the girl was getting
tired of it. The next time she called, the
Judge walked hurriedly into the room and
teg-an the>ame old formula:
"My dear young lady, you will have to call
t<>-::-.. rrovr, as lam very i ■:: y to-d iy "
"But, !■.:.!.;«." said the g-fl, '"Th.it is wh.it
you have told me every time. 1 have come
every day/and you have always said to come
to-mi irrow."
- I I eg your pardon." -..I,! Kelley with great
smoothness, "Call day after to-morrow."
Reasons for Their Long Live*
II .i famous trial, and the aged witness
hatl just left the ■ He was a fine
looking old man. with snow white hair and a
oV.,r eve, ur.'l h.i'l given his testimony to
the I* hit. without hesitation.
As he took his seat the Judge turned to him
and said, "-.Your testimony has been invalu
able, sir. and I wish to compliment you < n the
excellent manner in which it was given. I
should like to ask your name again."
" William Jones, your horn r ."
"And would you mind telling me how old
you are. Mr Jones?; 1
" Ninety-ntne years, your honor."
"Ah!" said the Judge, "ninety-nine Tears
■ !.!. and the mustsconcise testimony of the
trial! Truly remarfcab!e. To what habits of
life do you owe your robust health .ui>l clear
mind, Mr. Jone •* "
"Well, your horn r," replied the witness, "I
nave never touched a drop of liquor in mv
life, and have never ufed tobacco. I think
abstinence from these things ha- done more
to pre erve my health than anything else.*,'
"There, gentlemen." raid the fudge, "is an
example of what an abstemious life will <K> for
a man."
Presently the next witness was called and
took his place <>n the stand. lie was a tall.
;tr. light man, with hair as white as the tirst
witness; and if anything an even more robust,
healthy frame. His eve w.is clear, and he
gave his testimony with even more clearness
and conciseness than the aged man who had
preceeded him.
The fudge was astounded, and after the
te timony had been taken he turned to the
old man ami said, "What is your name
again, sir?"
" Henry Jones, your honor.**
"Oh said the fudge. "Are you any
relative of the Mr. "Jones who just left the
stand?"
"Hi elder brother, your honor."
"And what is your age, Mr. Jones?"
"I am one hundred and one. your h"in r."
"Ah. yes. \;.,. 1 presume you also attribute
your great strength and unfailing memory
to your habits of abstinence?"
" No. your honor." said the old man, shaking
his white head, " I can't say that 1 doC I smoke
incessantly, ant] 1 don't suppose 1 have gone
fora day without several drinks oi liquor for
the last seventy years."
SOME LITTLE STOk;
Urban Rivalry
II ERE are two nearby towns in roy State,"
says a Western man. "that tiaita exhibit "a
spirit of rivalry as intense as any evei ->h.iwa
by Minneapolis and St. I'aul.
" A man from the first town, meeting a man
from the second one day, observed ' Yont
cemetery is not for a moment to be ci raj-ared
to ours."
" ' I'erhaps not,' promptly returned t?.e
second town man; 'for I understand t! ..t the
cemetery is the only part el your town oflering
inducements to perm^nenl resiiit^r.:...
Harry or Nick
NICH H.AS • ..
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Discipline in t^c \
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She Dr.nt on Rr.
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Where She Was
WllXyou please ««« to - urt jnst
where rou were on the ■ no«
Friday, between the hours ■ • • . • ■ ur
o'clock. % said a lawyer to a .it' okmg
little woman i n the witness ■•..:
"Well. now. let me see." she sai : tivelr.
"I think I can recall just when I :- ; r.i;
thtse hours. I kn w that :t •■■. : :w.>
when I !>:t home ur..l went <1 wn : . -:•... .1
m.trk.t r.c.ir my house and order small
bill of groceriesi >tr.r v:>. Then 1 ■. '. at
a tailors to see about having him • ■ —c
buttonholes for n-.e: and after thai asofl
»>n down town, and went rirs* t" . .v
White's an.! got a dozen pearl butt uaJ
a y.iri! ot s:!e^ia. Then I went ovf t- : ith'a
ami got two towels; and after th.it I \ ■ ' °o
my milliner's to carry her some fcwv: iot
a hat she is making for me. Arttr that 1 ran
int" a display ef ready made evening p '■">
for a few minutes; and t!;en I went mi n
apothecary's and got a toothbrush; ani! i
there I went to a hatter's and got a ha! r
my little boy; ami then I run in and hear i
little of a lecture >n foods a gentleman v.
giving i;i a hail down town; and coming ■ "
I met a friend anil we had a cup t>f cocoa it
a s«'i!a fountain; anil then I got a lot el sampl.-A
in several stores; and a:t«r that I ran int.' .W
bokeshop and got a dozen macaroons; anj
then I got me a pair of rubbers; and went a
down town t<> a locksmith's to have a '•'
I wanted made to order; and then I went I .1
dealer in furnaces and left an order t.' I .ye
a m.m come out and clean our furnace; anil
after that I made arrangements for having
my piano tuned; and then a friend i : ::;ine
and I ran in to see an exhibition >-i \ • tiaj3
for .l few minutes; and ... we t to
a cooking demonstration in the v r ii: '■ t^ e "
partment «>f vne of the large «X ; ..r::rvr.t
stores; and then — let me see. when did I gi>
then"' oh, yes, I went to the posl • fficeaad
registered a letter: an.! then — "
"That will t!o." said the Judge. If you
<lid all that, and more too, in two hours,
I'll take back all I've ever said about us
taking a woman three hours t I ■•;■ a yaw
of ribbon."
