THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF
MARK TWAIN
Side Lights on Suppressed Language and Tom Sawyer
SSV'S remark about my strong
' nage troubles me, and 1
tgo back to it. All through
tV. ■ ten years of my married
1.: kept a constant and discreet
v._ ipan my tongue while in the
h '.nd went outside and t< > a dis
tai v hen circumstances were too
civ. •>t me and I was obliged to
M a •". I prized my wife's respect
bj pproval above all the rest of
ti •.. .n race's respect and ap
\<: 1 dreaded the day when she
eh I over that I was but a
»: i sepulcher partly freighted
■v ippressed language. I was so
c :. during ten years, that 1 had
c ■ doubt that my suppressions
h sen successful. Therefore I was
- happy in my guilt as I could
fc. in. ■ -.. if I had been innocent
it at last an accident exposed
: 1 went into the bath room one
: Tig to make my toilet, and care
i . '.■ it the door two or three inches
c- : It was the first time that I had
r er failed to take the precaution of
<1 ismg it tightly. 1 knew theneoes
f ty of l>eing particular about this,
I rase shaving was always a trying
c leal for me, and 1 could seldom
f it through to a finish without
il helps. Now this time I was
•■•■!, but did not suspect it.
I I no extraordinary trouble with
/or on this occasion, and was
: to worry through with mere
: • ings and growlings of an mi-
I • sort, but with nothing noisy
< phatic about them, — no snap-
I> aid barking. Then 1 put <'U a
t\ ■ My shirts are an invention of
n ■ :.. They open in the back, and are buttoned
tr -when there are buttons.
me the button was missing. My temper
J 1 up several degrees in a moment, and my
r- les rose accordingly. both in loudness and vigor
of ■•■ km. Hut I was not troubled, for the bath
To i]»>r was a solid one, and 1 supposed it was
fir: closed. I flung up the window and threw
t. v . t out. It fell upon the shrubbery where the
!*• ta their way to church could admire it if
thi .n ted to; there was merely fifty feet of grass
bet : the shirt and the passerby. Still rum-
Ha '1 thundering distantly, I put on another
A Again the button was absent. I augmented
c- ■ :age to meet the emergency, and threw
th : • ' out of the window. 1 was too angry — too
in to examine the third shirt, but put it fun
<■- • Again the button was absent, and that
sh:: ed its comrades out of the window.' Then
ISb btened up, gathered my reserves, and let
Ely -o like a cavalry charge. In the midst of
that st assault my eye fell upon that gaping
door : I was paralyzed
I' k me a good while to finish my toilet. I
**' : the time unnecessarily in trying to make
PP md as to what I would b<-st do in the cir
( es. I tried to hope that Mrs. Clemens was
■deep it I knew better [could not escape by the
♦ :: y ; . It was narrow, and suited only to shirts.
At i I made up my mind to boldly loaf through
wB room with the air of a person who had not
yq g anything. I made half the journey sue-
f es^ : 1 did not turn my eyes in her direction,
** f .it would not be safe. It is very difficult
10 ' ' if you have not been doing anything when
™* ! axe the other way. and my confidence in
Jjy !■ rir.ance oozed steadily out of me as 1 went
fJ' ; ' 1 ■• as aiming for the left hand door because
■I v i farthest from mv wife. It had never been
•pei " ■■• : m the day that the house was built: but
'* :': ' •i a blessed refuge for me now. The bed
was this one, wherein I am lying now, and dictating
these histories morning after morning, with so much
J* 1 "'" It was this same old elaborately carved
I™ k Venetian bedstead— the most comfortable
bedst- id that ever was, with space enough in it for
* *> : and carved angels enough surmounting
itstr i -.-,] columns and its headboard and footboard
to bring peace to the sleepers, and pleasant dreams.
1 had to stop in the middle of the room. I
■on'i the strength to go on. I believed that I
*as i::id«-r accusing eyes — that even the carved
**>£•■ were inspecting me with an unfriendly gaze.
«0u know how it is when you are convinced that
■■MeUfdy behind you is looking steadily at you.
»(ju have t<» turn your fact — you can't help it I
■UTJ" 'I mine. The bed was placed as it is now, with
"*»'•:■• ,;.. ,,, Hi,,,, 4 flntben Ail i Att Kw«rv<
Ccpflfefct, 1!*». i> ITadcrweod A: Underwood, No V..rk
the foot ■.'•lure tin- he. id ought to I.e. It it had been
placed as it should have been, the high headboard
would have sheltered me. But the footboard was
no sufficient protection; for I could be seen over it
I was exposed I was wholly without protection.
I turned, because I couldn't help it -and my mem
ory of what I saw is still vivid, after all these years
Against the white pillows I saw the black head I
saw that young and beautiful face, and I saw the
gracious eyes with a something in them which I
had never seen there before. They were snapping
and flashing with indignation. I felt myself crum >-
ling. I felt myself .shrinking away to nothing under
that accusing gaze 1 stood silent under that de
lating fire for as much as a minute. I should say :!
seemed a very, very long time. Then my wife's lips
parted, and from them issued -my latest bath room
remark! The language perfect, but the expression
velvet v. unpractical, apprenticelike, ignorant, inex
perienced, comically inadequate, absurdly weak
and unsuited to the great language. In my lifetime
I had never heard anything so out of tune, so inhar
monious, so incongruous, so ill suited to each other
as were those mighty words set to that feeble music.
1 tried to keep from laughing; f< >r I was a guilty
person in deep need of chanty and mercy. I tried
t'. keep from bursting, and succeeded— until she
gravely said, "There! now you know how it sounds."
Then 1 exploded; the "air was filled with my
fragments, and you could hear them whizz. I said
"Oh. Livy, if it sounds like that I will never do it
again! "
Then she had to laugh herself. Roth of us broke
into convulsions, and went on laughing until we were
physically exh.iu-.ted and spiritually reconciled.
The children were present at breakfast.- Clara
aged sin and Susy eight, and the mother made a
guarded remark about strong language | guarded
because she did not wish the children to suspect
anything a guarded remark which censured strong
language Both <■ hildren broke out in one voice with
this comment, "Why mama, papa uses it!"
I was astonished. I had supposed that that se
cret was safe in mv own breast, and that its presence
had never been suspected. 1 asked:
•" I low did you know, you little rascals. 1 '"
"Oh," they said, '"we often listen over the bal
usters when you are in the hall explaining things to
George."
FROM SUSVS BIOGRAPHY
One of papa'- latest books is "The Prince and the
Pauper" and it is unquestionably tin- best book be has
ever written, some ]*-ope want him to keep to hi- old
style, some gentleman wrote him, "I enjoyed Huckle
berry Finn immensely and am glad to see that you have
returned to your old style " That enoyed me that enoyed
me greatly. because it v i- ; • was troubled by
The Same Old Black Venetian Bedstead
that word, and uncertain he wrote .1 I above it in the
proper place but reconsidered the matter and struck it
out] to nave 0 few people know papa, I mean realy know
him, they think oi Mark Twain as a humorist joking .it
everything 'And with ■ mop of reddish brown hair
which soreiy needs the barbars brush a roman nose, short
.stubby mv tache, a sad careworn tare, with maney crow's
feet" etc That is the way people picture papa. I have
wanted papa to write a I k that would reveal something
of In. km.! sympathetic nature, and "The Prince and the
Pauper" partly does n The book is full of lovely charming
ideas, and oh Hit- language I It is pirftct. I think that one
of tin.- most touching <er.ei in it. is when- the pauper is
ruling "ii horseback with his nobles in the "recognition
procession" and he see, his mother oh and then what fol
lowed! How she runs to hi ! ide, when she >ees him throw
up his hand palm outward, an. l is rudely pushed ofi by
one of the King's offi< ers, and then how the little pauper's
consceince troubles him when he remembers the shameful
words that w.re falling from his lips, when she was turned
from his i>!>- "1 know you not woman" and how his
grandeurs were stricken valueless, and bis pride consumed
to ashes h 1 a wonderfully beautiful and touching little
scene, and papa ha de cribed ;t so wonderfully. 1 never
: aw a man with SO nnu h variety of feeling .is papa ha ,
now the " Prince and the Pauper is full of touching plat c .
but there i- most always a streak of humor in them some
where Now in the coronation in the stirring coronation,
just after the little king has got his crown back again papa
brings that in about the Seal, where the pauper says he
u.-,ed the Seal "to crack nut- with " Oh it is so funny and
nice! I'apa very seldom writes ;i passage without some
humor in it somewhere, and I dont think lie ever will.
A Family of Editors
THE children always helped their mother to edit
my Uxiks m manuscript. She would sit on the
porch at the farm ami read aloud, with her pencil
in her hand, and the children would keep an alert
and suspicious eye upon her right along) for the
belief was well grounded in them that whenever
she came across a particularly satisfactory passage
she would .strike it out. Their suspicions were well
founded. The passages which wen- s,. satisfactory
to them always had an element of .strength in them
which sorely needed modification or expurgation,
and were always sure to get it at their mother's
hand.
For my own entertainment, and to enjoy the
protests of the children, 1 often abused my
editor's innocent confidence. I often interlarded
remarks of a studied and felicitously atrocious
character purposely to achieve the children's brief
delight, and then see the remorseless pencil do its
fatal work. I often Joined my supplications to the
children's for mercy, and strung the argument out
and pretended to be in earnest. They were de
ceived, and so was their mother. It was three
against one. and most unfair. But it was very
delightful, and I could not resist the temptation.
Now and then we gained the victory, and there was
:<