THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF
MARK TWAIN
From Scsy's Bi :-:■.-
PHY (F Ml
c
One ". ■:' rel ite '. ■' '""
ir, ISB4 ness ..- . i aby an I ber
; : - - • ■ ■ - ■' ■- had to °ive the little band
— -.- . .'. ■ ; ; . m d r dons h v perfectly
<..■• - ■ - -.-.. exclaimed. ft*hy, Clara!, you
CLAI : remark :- the main detail, and
: ««ely .remembered ite phrasing.
:-■.:.--■• -.:::■] was oi a formida
„ ■. i ,v , .-.,,._■ r v would
The flesh* I *"::• finger had been
:•. :v- •- ■ • tkax (jid the main part of the
-"-:"—::.." ii:ch that he took made Clara
'■ '"■ -'■_■ ■■ ■: shriveled the others.
[ tal :: iras remark because it shows
*.:. ' " i-as only three years old. her
- - : - - r ..'.^-".-" : ~ -'-:,■ rtions* 7
,-: - - : -■;;■ ; - -•::- I furnished
rldlv kno'.vle :-■■ and " : < -•I ! t:; . but
"•' ..- r. ■ -- ■ ■■_•■. higher tnd - i left their
-,..- - . : . .. . .. — . < t - manifest
' " ■ : trikin" vvav -■ me years afterward^
■ .■ - [• :• .■ .. u-s old We had recently ar
"- i c - the time and had begun house
o\*E : ■•-:.:.-'- : t card arrived, — an
l-eprecise.il - ■■- ■ ommandfrom
tia :.• «?rmany to come to dinner. During
■- •" id enctiuntered socially, on the
'"■■■■ Scaring lofty titles; and all thi-v
' '■'■ ' . • vaxp.% more and more impressed,
sad ay :• duedi by these imposing events.
• •-:: abroad before, and they were
'• ' - !ers out nf dreamland turned into
r . - [K-rial ard iva« passed from hand
i, table and examined with in
■ ■ ■ '■ fean -'••■ exhibited excite:
•: • ■ ■ ■;'• f ra timt ■as quite speech
"•" ii keeps going on like tins, pretty
' ' • i myljody left for you to get ac
i- - . ' ; . : Z:',:.:...^ ; .-,;.;•; j ,■-., not ac
'-■-■::•■ !uirteT--bui she was young, and
*"■■ V ' ' ■ -;rlusiwn> without reflection.
: • -..,.■ •;,,. hon< ir t< i r»be> the
'■".r;.^ ■'• . Er,r*Tt>7 Wilhelm 11. Princ
;: ■ - -;':..... . lbell bel :.;,._. : . .-,■- presen:
' : •-■ n :of the ufking. and he t. >!',•■■:
- ■ • ].;—!: :. [n !wth of these o»n
;;: "* ■ : jjratified to recojjnize a resem
'■'■" '■ : ■. , a \t-rv exact resemblance; no,
'■ :■: utrot quite that, a mridified exact -
,',,., .. ; iv< - of the Emperor
:':: ' : -- . h LsnearlVi faultless; like him. I
■ • 1 have Quests at dinner I prefer
a ■ myself. 11 is the best nay. and
t: -;- : iko the most profitable for the
1 ' ■ ;. .;-,-} to perceive that His Majesty
v - '■•■■■ - ■■ ny : -...;.- and thai his attitude
;-. not uncomplimentary. I: 1 t! ''*
Uilk he said that my Ijest and most
; ;; ■ : ■ Old Times ori|the Mississippi.
■■ r ' that remark again presently.
A '•■ ■ :■.: -■■■ ■■-- ivell up in the Foreign Office
. ■•' " - . • and had served under Bismarck i>>r
'- ""•" ■ -.:_ till ticcupj-ing his old place un-
J? ':■: ■ • ' ' ■ aprivi: Smith. 1 will call him oi
i- : ' s ■-- :-..k:n- though that i> not his n^ne.
". ■ - pecial friend of mine, and I greatly en
l'-": -■ ■■-.. although, in or-i.-r to have it. it
.„": r ' ' • :rme to ... it as late a.- midnight;
' ' ' '--:;•: This was because Government
■ft hi rank had V) work al! 'Liv. ufter nine
An Emperor and a Janitor Who Agreed
■ ■ ■ ■
- ■
- -
Smith had been in. the Government service, at
home and abroad, for more than thirty years, and
vras no"' sixty veafs old, or close upon it. He could
:. • remember a year in which he had ha«l a vacation
of more than a fortnight's length He was weary all
thr u"h to the bones and the marrow now, and was
yearnm CT for a holiday of a whole three months, —
learning so 1 nginglvand so poignantly that he had
at last made up his mind t<> make a desperate cast
for it and stand the consequences, whatever they
might be. It was against all rules to ask for a vaca
tion, quite against all etiquette; the shock oi it
would paralyze the Chancellery. Stern etiquette
aril usage required another form: the applicant was
not privileged to ask lor a vacation : he must send in
his resignation. The Chancellor would know that
the applicant was not really trying to resign, and
didn't want to resign; but was merely trying in this
left handed way to get a vacation
The night before the Emperors dinner i helped
Smith take his exercise, after midnight; and he was
full of his project. He had sent in his resignation
tGa t day. and" was trembling for the result; and
naturally^ because it might possibly be that the
Chancellor would be happy to till his place with
somebody else, in which case he could accept the
resi^ation without comment and without, offense.
Smj'^h was in a very anxious frame of mind, not
•hit' he feared that Caprivi was dissatisfied with
him for he had no such fear; it was the hmperor
, H,v« F.unJ I< Ou:' H S«d
:
I
■ . ■
that llu- Empwi "A' ' .,rr..-.v could fall ti the
th! ,,. : ,,,,,j,,..T .-••■', I .„„.,„„. that the
ground "•■tl;"- -J \ nlwi ,. X ii. Majesty. »1»
r
his pleasure, and that then his pleasure in the matter
would be communicated by Caprivi.
Smith said he would know his fate the next even
ing, after the imperial dinner; that when I shoul !
escort H>s Majesty into the large ■ salon^contiguous
to the dining room, I would find there about thirty
men, — Cabinet Ministers. Admirals. Generals, and
other great officials or the Empire. — and that t :>.■--•
■
separate groups of two or three persons: that the
Emperor would move from group to group and -■;
a word to each, sometimes two words, sometime? ten
words: and that the length oi h> speech, whether
brief or not so brief, would indicate the exact stand
ing in the Emperor's regard of the man accoste I
and that by observing this thermometer an exper:
could tell to half a degree the state of the imperil i
weather in each case,-— that in Berlin, as in the im
perial days of Rome, the Emperor «a.> the sun. uxia
that his smile or his frown meant g.xjd fortune < r
disaster tc the man upon whom it should fall:' Smith
suggested that I watch the thermometer while the
Emperor went his rounds oi the groups; and idaed
that if His Majesty talked four minutes with any
person there present, it meant high favor, and
that the sun was in the zenith and cloudless
for that man.
1 mentally recorded that fnur-minute altitude,
and resolved to see if any man there 0:1 that night
stood in sufficient favor to achieve it
\TER\~ v ' elL - Uter the di . nncr ] «' atcheti the Em ;
v peror while he passed from group to group ."ant.
privately I timed him with a watch. Iwo or three
times he came near to reaching the four-minute
altitude: but always he fell short a iittie. The last
man he 'came to was Smith- He put his hand or.
Smith's shoulder and began to talk to him: and
when he finished the thermometer had scored -ever,
minutes! The company then moved toward the
smoking room, where cigars, beer, and anecdotes
would be in brisk service until midnight, and as
Smith passed me he whispered:
■That: settles it. The Chancellor will ask me how
much of a vacation I want, and 1 sha'n't be atram
to raise the limit. I shall Jcall. for, six; months.
Smith's dream had been to -pen. l his three months
vacation— in case he got .1 vacation instead oi the
other thing— in one of the great ■capitals of the Con
tinent—a capital whose name 1 shall suppress at
present. the next day the
Chancellor asked him how much
of a vacation he wanted, and
where he desired to spend i
Smith told him. His prayer .\-u
granted, and rather more 11
granted. The Chancellor aug
mented his salary, and attached
him to the German Embassy >f
that selected capital; giving him
a place of high dignity, bearing in
imposing title, and with no bing
to do except attend kin [U ■ - ■>:
an extraordiriaT larac' - he
Embassy, once or - ' - year
The term ol his ■/.,.•;•. r.n not
specified : he y. - '■■ ■ -a tm eit
until requested • > "me •.) k : •
his work in . .-■ Foreign 'nice
This was in iciu Eight yt ins
Liter Smith wu= parsing tni »ugl
Vienna, and he -ailed ui>on trie
There had been r... interruption
■:i his vacation . - yet, and there
rttption of il ■• oul 1 ...-. . hue
he should still i>e ;ira »ng the Living.
[Dictated Monday. Dccembep. :;.
1 >o6 ]
A I have already remarked
••Old Times on the Mississippi
g« ,t the Kaiser's I jest praise ir was
ufter midnight when I reached
home. i was usually out until
I,. ward midnight; and the pleasure
tit being out late was poisoned,
every night: b\ the dread ot what I
must meet. a my frontdoor, — an iri
!...,, int i ice a resentful face.— the face of the portier.
fhe portier b as a tow headed young German; tvyentv
twoor three years old; and it had been ■■■■■
ime apparent to me that hetlid licit enjoy being
lammered out of his sleep; nights; to. let me in. He
lever had a kind word for me, nor a pleasant look. 1
rouldn't understand it. iince it rtas his business to
« on watch and let the occupants oftthe f**™
l,t- in at any and all hours ol the night I cmld