THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF
EVER |
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md then t a 1
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at off up to 1
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■ . I
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■ a
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r tun the
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perfectly i ■ Ireadfu
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the .leaf on which ii
' • ■ ... most rui
.■ . ■
In 1673.
IT w< rj] : ipe a .... the vivacity and quaint
ness and felicity of Susy's innocent free sjK-lling
with -.he dull and petrified uniformities of the
spelling ':• «k-. Nearly all the grimness is taken out
of the i tpergating*"' of my books by the subtle
nioDificatj n accidentally infused into the word by
Susy's modification of the spelling of it.
i remember the special case mentioned by Susy,
and ca:: see the group t,— two-thirds of it plead
rc? - r the life of the" culprit sentence that was
so £a* Inatinglv dreadful, and the other third of it
patiently explaining why the court could not grant
the prayer of the pleaders; but I do not remember
whai the : :i icmned phrase was. i- had much
company, arid they all went to the gallows: but it is
pos-: •■..• xh.xi 'specially dreadful one which gave
those httk people so much delight was cunningly
dev:x-i aiifj put into the l>ook for just that function,
an 1 n : :\.-',[ any hope orexpectation that it would
get :.y: .y the ergatoi alive. It is possible; for 1
ha i that custom.
Susy's quaint and effective selling falls quite op
portunely into to-day"s atmosphere, which is heavy
with the rumblings and grumblings and rnutterings
of the Simplified Spelling Reform. Andrew Carnegie
Started this s:orm. a couple of years ago. by moving a
simplifying of English orthography, and establishing
a fund for the prosecution and maintenance of the
crusade. Hel«egan gently. He addressed a circular
to - -a- hundreds of his friends, asking them to sim
plify *.:*.- spelling <-f a dozen of our badly spelt words
■;:nk they were only words which end with the
su;*.-r:l;*jus ltgh. He asked that these friends use the
sug^ted spellings in their private correspondence.
J'y this, one j>erceives that the Ixrginning was
sufficiently quiet and unaggressive.
Next stage: A small cummiltee was appointed,
with Brander Matthews for managing director and
S]">'-:n:in It issued a list of three hundred words,
>' average s:l3me:is as to selling, an 3 proposed new
-■■ I ane sellings for these words. ITie President
<-■: ":,•■ Un:',c^ Stales. uns«jliciie<l, adoj>ted these siin
7jJ::K-'i three hundred officially, and ordered thai
they i>e used in the official d'xurnents of the Gov
ernment; It v.'as now remarked by all the eiiucated
arii the thoiightful except the clergy that Sheol was
to -^uy. This was most justly and comprsbensively
d<-^ nptive. The indignant British lion ro^. with a
ts heard across the Atlantic, and stood
'• 1 little isle, gazing, red ever], out over the
•A -,-as, bnow flecked with driving spindrift;
- : - ■ ■ .:r.ghistail, — a most scary sj»ecta<le to see.
■. I«>ii was outraged bec"ause we, a nation of
--.;. : ircn, without any grown up people among us,
with rut pn^;«-rt y in the language, but using it merely
by «-fiurt<--sy of its owner the English nation. v.<-re
trying u» de£le the sacredr.ess of it by removing from
it ]«-cu3ia.rities which had l>een its ornament and
which bad made it holy and Ix-autiful for ages.
In truth there is a certain sardonic propriety in
j'r>-*-rv:ng our orthography, since ours is a mongrel
language .•■■■.■ a child's vocabulary of
three hundred wurds, and now consists of two hun
dred and twenty-five thousand; the whole lot, with
the exoeptim of the original and legitimate three
hur.'jrt-J. lf</rrovved, stolen, smouched, from every
onwatched Lxiiguage under the sun. the spelling of
*ach individual word of the tot !<>eating the sourer
'■>' the theft and preserving the tnemorv of the
revered crime
Why is it that I lijlvc intruded into this turmoil
an i manifested a desire to get our orthography
r-r-^-i of it* a-:minities ; Indeed, 1 do not know why
l !!ijn:fest any interest in the matter; for .t*.
MARK TWAIN
Simplified Spelling, Ducks, and Other Things
: ■ ■ • ■ ! : hography i ;t heartily,
■ - ■ ■ ■ rything thai 1. us been
.:" ■ ly in defense of it. Nothing professing
to be a defena i rous spellings 1 ' lai
basis, so far as my observation goes, e>
ntalitj In these ' arguments" ''«■ term vener
used insl id F moldy, and hallowed instead
|< ilish; ■■■ ' • - ' here is n< ithing pr pei
■ ■ ible or .-.;■• at a language which is not
■ • :r hundred years old, and about a jun ble I
spellings which were grotesque in the begin
ning, and ■ •■ moreandm ire grotesque with
■ ■ ■ ■ ir s
: \T!-:n Monday, JCoi ember jo, 1906 ]
• . . ■ . . .... m the other
. - , ..... mba icks. she
■ ; • ■ why God
much d n Patrick kills 1
SUSY is mistaken as to the origin of the ducks
They were n• 1 gift I" •■ igl I then lam not
finding fault with h r for that would be m I ■
. ■ •■•■ .■. ■ :• her ' iten* nl
historian, as a rule, and it would nol be just to make
lU lipof hers; besides, I think it was
a quite natural slip, for by heredity and habit ours
was a relij Id, and it >mmon
• 1 v whenever anybody did a handsome
thing. 1 ■ redit of it "to Pi I ;nce, without
■ • the • tter. This may be
.. ii imatic relig
ion, — in fad • ' ii
it it i
90 used to it ■ ■ ■
thai ■ • n do it
it 1 ir help
or even
h v : out of all the
nd statist
■ • ■ placed
it, it will
. - the one
nssult " eit has
en t
■ I in} ther
It is thus • ■ :•■
reflectii
■
een, it
betrayed Su
injusi
-.: ird me It had
to be automatic;
Id have
■ ■ ■ rm do
■ ■ ustice
■ :•: her right
• nd. It
lear litt
rapher, 1 I
■
nd 1 not * en
■ ■ . her now;
■
■ :
c an erro
■ ■
which her words would l>e sure to convey to a reader's
mmd No elaboration of this matter is necessary;
I Hml : •
hll from the house to the sjuggjshl little river that
flowed through the grounds, and Pamck who was
fertile in good ideas, had early conceived the idea
O f having homemade ducks for our table. Every
morning he drove them from the stable down I ■ the
river an 1 the children were always there to >cc and
admire the waddling white procession They were
there again at sunset to see Patrick conduct the
procession back to its lodgings in the stable But
this was n it always a gay and happy holiday show,
in it for tl ■ nesses; no, too frequently
there was . tragedy connected with ;t. and then
" .■: - and pain for the children There
was .i ;tran led log or two in the river, and on these
certain families of snapping turtles used to con
gregate an 1 drowse in the >un and give thank-, in
. to Providence for benevolence <•■<-
• ■ Ito them. It was bui another instance of mis
placed credit it was the young ducks that those
pious reptiles were >• > thankful for — whereas they
were my ducks. I bought the ducks.
When a crop of young ducks, not yet quite old
enough for the table, but approaching that ige,
began V > join the procession, and paddle around in
the si 1} ■ t, .: ': give thanks — not to me —
for that privilege, the snapping turtles would sus
pend their songs of praise and slide off the logs and
paddle al< mg under the water and chew the feet of the
young ducks. Presently Patrick would notice that
two or three of those little i reatures were not mov
u g about, but were apparently at anchor, and were
■ • I oking as thankful as they had been looking a
:. rt time before. He early found out what that
sign meant,— a submerged snapping turtle was tak
ing his breakfast, and silently singing
his gratitude. Every day or two Patrick
would rescue and fetch up a little duck
with incomplete legs to stand upon, —
nothing left of their extremities but
gnawed and bleeding stumps. Then
the children said pitying things and
wept -and at dinner we finished the
tragedy which the turtles had l«.-gun.
Thus, as will be seen,— out of season,
at least, it was really the turtles that
us so much ducks — at my expense
Pap.i has written a new version '>t~ " There
: t nappy 1 tnd " it is
["here i ; a !»'.ir ling h tv -••
Far, far aw c. .
Where they have ham and -if!,-.
Three times i day,
* »h dont those boarders yell
When they hear the dinner-bell,
They give that land-lord r its
Threi ■ lay."
AGAIN Susy
■*"■ made a small err >r.
It was not I that wrote
the song. I heard Billy
Rice sing it in the negro
minstrel show, and I
brought it home and
sang it —with great
spirit :• >r the ele\ i
tion of the household
The i hildren admired
it to the limit, and
made me sing it with
burdens* >me frequency.
Ti ■ their mm I ii
superior to the Battle
Hymn of the Repul
Hi .v. many yeai
that was! Where
i Billy Rice? He is
.i jo% to me, and so
were the other >tars •if
the niggershow, Billy
Bir< h.DavidWambol 1.
B kus.and idelightful
: ■ heir br< t
who made life i \
ure to me : rtj ears
ago, and later Birch,
Wamb" ild and Backus
ar-.' g< me ■ ■.■; igo and
with them departed to
return no :;.• ire !• irever,
I suppose, the real nig
ger sin ■■■'. . the genuine
nigger sh< iw, the e•. -
tr ivagant nigger >h> >■• .
tin- show a Inch to me
■. . • .• ; . peer has not yel arrived, v i
experien< c We ha> cI he grand ■ ipera . and I ha\ ■■
tie* f .; indgreatl) enj iyed, the first act of everything
which Wagnei real I but the effect on me has alv i; -
been ■ powerful that one act was quite sufficiei I
Whenever 1 have witnessed two icts 1 have gone
- . ; ally exhausted and ■• henever I have
ventured tn entire »pei i the i ■ lull has been I
• I Dont See Why God
Gives U* ■>■> Much Duclu."
:>