THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF
[Dictated.
January ;;. 1007]
THE proverb
says that
Providence
protects children
and idiots. This is
really true. 1 know
it because I have
-
tested it. It did
not protect George
through the most of
his campaign; but
it saved him in his
last inning, and the
veracity of the
proverb stood con
firmed.
I have several
times been saved
by this mysterious
interposition, when
I was manifestly in
extreme peril. It
has l>een common.
all my life, for smart
people to perceive
in me an easy prey
for selfish designs; and I have walked without suspi
cion into the trap set lor me. yet have often come
out unscathed, against all the likelihoods.
More than forty years ago. in San Francisco, the
ofr.ce staff adiourned. upon conclusion of its work
at two o'clock in .... to a great bowling
establishment where there twelve alleys. I
vas invited, rather perfunctorily and as a matter
of etiquette — by which I mean that I was invited
politely, but urgently. Bui when I diffidently
declined, v.ith thanks, and explained that 1 knetv
r.nhing about the game, those lively young fellows
beearnv at once eager and anxious and urgent t<«
have my society. This flattered me. for I perceived
no trap", and 1" innocently and gratefully accepted
their invitation.
1 was given an alley an to myselt. me ••<>>>
explained the game to me. and they also explained
....... would be an hour's play, and
that the player who scored the fewest ten strikes
in the hour would have to provide oysters and l»eer
fir the combination. This disturW-d me very ser
i •uslv, since it -promised me bankruptcy, and I
was sorry that this detail had been overlooked in
the beginning. But my pride would not allow me
to back out now: so 1 stayed in. and did what I
c^-uld to look satisfied and glad I had come. It
i- not likely that 1 looked as contented as 1 wanted
to; but the others looked glad enough to make tip
for it. for they were quite unable to hide their evil
iav They showed me how .... how to
stoop, and how to aim the ball, and how to let fly:
and then the game began:
Capfriete.l9n.bs UukrvDodA L"ndfr»«xJ
la 19Or.
T
■-■ ■ ■
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. ■ E them got a ten-stnki
rare that it made i
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. . " . ■ ■ their coal
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- refused 1
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nly to stari
nst the non
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rt thai
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C> -.r_'.t. I>/C.
MARK TWAIN
Luck of the Newcomer; An Accusing Conscience
tered a truth, the rule has' been that the hearer
hadn't strength of mind enough to believe it.
A QUARTER of a century ago I arrived in London
J\. to lecture a few weeks under management
of George Dolby, who had conducted the Dickens
readings in America five or six years before. He
took me to the marie and fed me, and in the
course of the dinner he enlarged a good deal and
with great satisfaction upon his reputation as a
player of fifteen-ball pool; and when he learned by
my testimony that I had never seen the game
played, and knew nothing of the art of pocketing
balls, he enlarged more and more and till more,
and kept on enlarging, until i recognized that 1 was
either in the presence of the very father of tifteen
l>all pool or in the presence of his most immediate
descendant.
At the end of the dinner Dolby was eager to in
troduce me to the game and show me what he could
d'>. We adjourned to the billiard room, and he
framed the balls in a flat pyramid, and told me to
tire at the apex ball, and then go on and do what 1
could toward pocketing the fifteen : after which he
would take the cue and show me what a passed
master of the game could do with those balls. I did
as required. 1 began with the diffidence proper to
my ignorant estate, and when I had finished my
inning all the balls were in the pockets, and Dolby
was burying me under a volcanic eruption of acid
sarcasms .
So I was a liar in Dolby's belief. He thought he
had been sold, and at a cheap rate: but he divided
his sarcasms quite fairly and quite equally between
the two of us He was "full of ironical ration of
his childishness and innocence in letting a wander
ing and characterless and scandalous American load
him up with deceptions of so transparent a char
acter that they ought not to have deceived the
house cat. On the other hand, he was remorselessly
severe upon me [or beguiling him. by studied and
discreditable artifice, into bragging and boasting
about his poor game ...... of a professional
pert disguised in lies and frauds; who could empty
more balls in billiard pockets in an hour thai he
could empty into a basket in a day.
In the matter of fifteen-ball pool 1 never got
Dolbv's ennrk-nce wholly back, though L got it m
other ways, nd kept it' until his death. 1 have
played that game a number of times since: but that
first time was the only time
in my life that I have ever
pocketed all the fifteen in
a single inning.
"V/T unsuspicious nature
* ■*■ has made it necessary
for Providence to save me
from traps a number of
times: Thirty years ago.
a T couple6f Eimira banker^
•d me to play the game of Quakei ith them. I
had never heard ol the game before i I that
■ required intellect I should not be able to enter
tain thrm Rm they said it wa merely a game oi
chance, and required no mentality, so I agreed t
make a trial of it. They appointed four in the after
noon for the sacrifice As the place, they chose -
ground floor room with a large window in it. Then
they wenl treacherously around and advertis<
hey were going to play upon me
I arrived on time, and we began the game— v ith
Large and eager free list to superintend it These
superintendents were outside, v i-.h their i
pivsM-d against the wind i mkers
described the game to 1 Bo fai '■ : llect, the
pattern of ii this
They had a pile of Mcxi i lollar mtl
•v.<-!w of them were ■■: even Lal :• <i them
were of odd dates. The bankers were to separai
coin from the pile and hide it under a hand, md I
must guess "odd" or ■even" If I gu L •:
the coin would be mine; ii tly. I
dollar. The first guess I made Was "even.".
and was right. I guessed again, "even." and I •■■.:
the money. They fed me another one. and I :^"
"even" again, and took the money I gti
"even" the fourth time, and took the money It
seemed to me thai i i good guess, and I
might as well stay by it. which I did I guessed
"even" twelve time and took the twelve dollars.
I was doing as they secretly desired Their ex
perience if human nature had convinced then I
li ■ . innoceni as my face proi Ii i
:::t ; to be, would repeal his first guess if it won in i
would go on repeating ii if ii should continue 1
It was their beli< n innoceni
sure ai the beginning I ■■■•■-- "even." and not
• odd ■ '
twelve times in iccessi >n and win ever ■
: gu . • en" to tin.- end ;soh w>
purpose to let nw win those twelve c
and then advai I >dd lates, one by one. until '.
should lose fifty dollars, and furnish those superin
tendents something to laugh aboul for a week
■
Bui ii lid :; ■ n ■'■ thai " iy tor •• Ine
• imi iha 1 won the 1 fi lollar and lasl
; . from 1 ■ ecause ii was so >ne
■ nous and lid m>i entertain
from Ihe ■•■•■ -
I Never Star:eJ a Ball That
Didn't Score a Ten -Strike