Newspaper Page Text
wiSERViEws of A (apan&sc Schoouboy
Togo Is Deliciously Stewed
Attending a Cabinet Meeting
To Editor Tribune, who are n<n a Spirit
ualist, yet must believe that strange
Objecks comes out of Cabinets.
Dear Sir: Yesterday me & Nogi bor
rowed a box of chisels from Sago Futu
yama. Japanese plumber, who is study
ing to be a burglar. With these we
eloped to White House where we was
not expected to bo present at Cabinet
Meeting which was announced to be
held ih^re in soon time. We make soft
& sne^kret gum-steps to a side-door
window- which we pry open while Hon
Secret Service was away watching dog
flght. We enjoyed feelings of great
etealth like a Sugar Fraud going 1 pa*>t
Hon. Wm. Loeb. With a smoothness
peculiar to Cockroaches walking over
Brussels carpets we climbed this win
dow and dropped to Room inside.
In this Room we seen a rich ma hog
gin Table surrounded by 9 Chairs look
haj very polite, like they expected im
"This is where Hon. Cabinet sets down
to eat the rag-.** I pronounce with voice
full of whispers. "Let us tuck ourselves
away before they begin doing so."
Outside in hallway we could hear the
footwear of several Public Men arriving
together. Me &. Nogi nearly had stam
pede? of panic from this pound.
"This; is no time to stand here retal
iaririE:," decompose Nogi. "We must bcb
We seen 2 high goldy steam Radia
tors standing in opp. sides of Room. This
would be good hide for us. So, with im
mediate quickness, we slouched down
back of these heated Objecks.
Hon. Door bounce open very hasty.
First Person to arrive up was Hon. Taft
which I recognized by his large frontage.
Next by him came a slightly skirmish
gentleman with a Conservation Mous
tache and a distantly far-off expression
of eyebrows, peculiar to one who has
Alaska on top of his mind. By his con
stitutional manner when speaking to the
President. I was sure this Person must
be Hon. Ballinger. Secretary of the In-
Nextly come Hon. Meyer and Hon.
Dickinson, representing Army & Navy
Forever, like guns of equal greatness.
Xpxtly follow Hon. Agriculture Wilson,
resembling Santy Claus. Xextly arrive
Hon. Frank Hitchcock. Postmaster Gen.,
who Is entire too big a male to send for
2c. postage. Xextly approach Laborious
Secretary Xagle talking to Boss Attor
ney "Wickersham with lawsuit voice.
And Hon. McVey, Sec. of Treasury,- fol
THE CK.OSS^jQA'DS COJSCRESS *r jim vasium
THE CONGRESS IN SESSION.
BY JIM NASITM.
WHAT air ther most interestln* news
'In ther city papers these days.
Josh?" asked the grocer of the
editor, as he cut off a dime's worth of plug
for that moulder of public opinion.
"There hain't none, by dad, " replied the
editor. "When Rooseyf«»lt wus Preseydent
we never hed sich a stagnation In ther
news market es what we air undergoin* at
ther present time. When Rooseyfelt found
thai flow <)* daily news stagnatin* a leetle,
an' caw thet ther I tors warn gonna hoy
a bard time diggin" up features fur ther
front rage an' enough b'iler plate ter fill
"Mr. Hardcash called on me last even
ing. He's the most engaging bilker I
ever listened to."
"Indeed! What did he say?"
*"He asked me to marry him!"
lcwpd considerably in arrears of all
Hon. Taft take set down to end of
table, like he wish carve some Possum.
but none was there. Seating done by all
in chairs. It seemed nearly illegal for
so many Great Men to be inclosed to
gether in one small Room. Yet all be
have very tame & genuine, except of
Sec. Wilson, who refuse to think with
the others and continued on eating ap
ples from paper bags.
"Let this meeting become orderly,"
commence Pres. Taft. nearly forgetting
to smile. "We must speed with brains.
Many irritated Questions are in front of
us to be settled up before 6 o'clock."
"To what Questions do you refer to?"
require Hon. Hitchock, taking a card
Index from his Imagination.
"Most angry Question of all," fay Hon.
Taft, "is how to run the kingdom of
America cheaper than it now does. Ex
penses must be cur-tailed. During the
last annual Year which has just closed
up, total cost of conducting this Gov
ernment was $783,000,000 32. This ex
penses included, heat, light, gas. Janitor
service and general grafting. This Is a
very untidy sum. It would be noticed,
even in the Hotel Business. Could not
any great Cabinet Man present think up
some delicioi;sly stingy scheme to run
the Ship of State cheap like a Ferry
Deep thinking heard side by side.
Them steamed Radiators behind which
me & Nogi was tucked became very fev
erish. Sweats by us. Of finally Hon.
Nagle explode with voice.
"Wm., dear," he say, "I wish to tell
you the candied truth in a straight
fronted and tete a tete manner. You
are too spendthriftless in your tastes.
You are the Prodigal son of O-Hio.
What for you want to build that Pan
ama Canal which is more expensive to
keep in the family than a ottomobile.
You would imagine Uncle Sam was Pres
ident of the Bell Telephone Co., the
reckless way he drop money on such
frivolous luxuries. And what use will
that Panama Canal be when it is
"It will bring Central America much
nearer to Washington," explain Hon.
Dickinson with meek expression peculiar
to Secretaries of War.
"Central America is too near Wash
ington already," dib Hon. Nagle. "Al
most every week we are disagreeably
obliged to lift some toy Nero out of Cen
tral America by the seat of his Ego.
"Why do we want Panama Canal ex
up ther inside pages, he jist tuk down ther
big stick often ther hall rack an' helped
ther edytors out b" dubbin" out a few scar©
head articles fur ther front pages with a
seven colyum runover on ther inside.
Whenever ther murders an' ther dee-voree.
courts an' ther Pittsburg millyonaires 'd
let up a leetle Rooseyvelt wus allus eekil
to ther occasion an' ready ter supply ther
dee-flciency. 'Sno more'n right either fur
ther Preseydent what hes ter ree-ly on ther
newspapers fur support ter help ther edy
tors out with a feature story now an' then
in their hour o' need. This feller Taft
mought be a good ernough Preseydent, but
he hain't treat'n' ther newspapers right."
"Shucks! Why don't yer guv ther feller
time ter git started." said the grocer.
"Seems ter me that he hes started ther
nucleus fur a set o' good Btirrin' news
items b' flrin' Plnchot. a friend o* Roosey
felt's. frum ther gover'ment sarvice. Thet
leetle affair air gonna be wuth sev'ral three
colyum headlines yet afore It's over. An'
when Roogeyfelt gits back frum wrastlin'
white hippypottymuses with his muscles
bulgin" out hla coat sleeves so thet he can't
git his arms up ter comb his own hair an'
achin' ter start sumthln'. you'll find thet
ther papers '11 hey ter put on extry pag^-g
an' crowd out ther sportin" notes an' ther
daily health hints an' ther portraits ot her
Wright brothers ter make room fur ther
news frum Washington. "
"Speakln' o" int're.stin' news." put in the
squire. "I wus readin' a article t'other day
whut int'rested me eumwhat. I was readin'
where a wooman named Mrs. Carrie Chap
man Catt sayed in a speech thet a wooman
hedn't no more right if-r put her husband
out what hes quit his job an' is llvin' on
bar wages than a husband lies ter fire his
wife when she won't w, rk. This 'ere Mrs.
Catt says thet a woo matl ort er work an'
help ter support ther fambly. Ther wife
an' me hed a whale 0 " aji argjment 'bout
NEW-YORK DAILY TRIBUNE. SUNDAY, JANUARY 23, 1910.
SEC. WILSON CONTINUED ON EATING APPL
tended to Washington, so that Castro &
Zelaya can float down Pennsylvania Aye.
and twitter their crimes in our face?"
No answer for Sec Wilson, who set
chewing apples with Horse Fletcher mo
"The Panama Canal." join on Hon.
Nagle, "is like any other form of drunk.
It has been foolish and extravagant and
delicious while it lasted. Now let us
quit doing so while we are still able.
Let us stop Col. Goethals in his mad dig.
Thusly we can save sifficient annual
millions to keep the Republican Party
in luxury. Peace will again snuggle ore
the land and by 1012 the Panama Canal
will be forgotten."
"But 1912 is the date when we least
want the Panama Canal to be forgot
ten." This from Hon. Frank Hitchcock,
who is used to managing Campaigns and
other Theatrical Enterprises.
"The Culebra Cut might be cut slight
ly, perhapsly," corrode Hon. McVey
thet statement o' Mrs. Can's at ther break
fast table this mornin'."
"Seems ter me thet statement o' Mrs. j
Catt's air a very ontimely suggestion ter
make ter married men jist when ther hook
worm disease hey bean dee-scovered," put
in the deacon. "Atween ther two it won't
bo hard fur a lot o1o 1 husbands what don't
never do nothin' but set around ther house
all day an' git in ther wife's way while
she's a doin' ther neighbor's fambly washin'
ter prove an alleby."
"By Jerushey! 1 b'lieve she air right
though," said the editor. "Don't see why
ther marriage vow hain't an eekil partner
ship, an why th«r wife nrtn't ter go ter
work an' support ther fambly partnership
jist ther same as ther husband. 'Taint a
eekil dee-vision ot her fambly labors ter i
expect ther husband ter wear out his pa- i
tience drivln' a mule team ur go out an"
lift his diaphragm inter his pul-monary I
tract tossin' steel billets an' eat soggy !
bread outen a dinner bucket fur lunch ter j
support a fambly o' growln' children, while
his wife sets to hum an" reads ther beauty !
colyum in ther evenin' papers an" powders
her nose so's she won't git ter lookin' ao !
old as her hard workin' husband.
"Yes, sir. I think thet this "ere Mrs. Catt I
hes ee-volved a purffectly fair an' square j
idear o* ther marital vow. Any wooraan I
WHY SHE VALUED HIM.
Daughter — You must not be angry with
rim, dad. He says he loves me moro
than his life and cannot live without me.
Father — Nonsense! All young men say
Daughter— Not to me, dad,
— Illustrated Bit*.
what enters inter a life contract ter help
a man raise a fambly an' perpetuate his
fambly name accepts eeki! responsibilities
with ther man. an' she orter be made ter
pufform ef-kil labors, if this 'er« idear o'
Kra. Caxiia Chapman catts's air tuk a
hold of an' pushed In ther right way It
won't be long till ou' wives, what set to
hum now an' preserve their beauty so's
r-eepui Ml say thet they don't see what she
ever saw in sich a wrinkled old mummy es»
her husband is. l) be grabbln' a pick an'
shovel in one hand an 1 a dinner bucket in
ther other an' turnin' out with ther ditch
jUSVta' .squad when ther mornin' whistle,
blows Then we'll hey more happy mar
riages an" husbands an' wives won't hey
W tarnation many •e-ma*?in<-d superiorities
ter throw up ter each other aforo they start
ter thiowin' ther dtafcM an' parlor orny
rnents, an' ther affinity fad 'II go out o'
bizness for lack o' patronage
"Ther bull trouble with ther marriage
vow Is thet sumbudy way back 'mong our
"Not by the dam site!" This from
Hon. Taft. who only swears when he
thinks of the geography. "Not one
spoonful of mud shall I retrench from
my Ditch. Hasn't nobody in this Cabi
net got no painless plan to save money
for U. S. Govt? Achilles, what would
"I snuggest nothing," snib Hon. Bal
linger. "Do you Imagine I would be
foolish & toothless enough to snuggest
selling a few yards of coal lands? If I
so much as sneezed, all Insurgent papers
in America would take it as a secret
signal to the Guggenhams and the Cun
ningheims. Who knows but what some
Reporter of low eyebrows is listening
this moment with inquisitive note
I could hear Cousin Xogi's teeth chat
ting together behind his hot Radiator.
"General," say Hon. Taft. turning to
Chief Lawyer Wickersham, "have you
persecuted the Trusts with vigger, like
I told you to do?"
"I have tortured them with great
'Yes. my dear — life is full of trials."
"You must be happy to think that
yours are more than half over."
— Megg^ndorfer Blatter.
anty-cedents established a tarnation had
pre-ceedent b' lettln' his wife down easy in
a dee-vision ot her fambly labors. An*
now It hes gone so fur thet ther weemin
folks hes got so dad-burned out o' prac
tice at manooal labor thet they'd hey a
hard time- holdin' a job In a stone quarry
ur a rollln' mill. This is showed b' ther
; ' 1. v
DISCRETION THE BETTER PART.
Old Gent— What are you doing with
Small Boy — Selling 'em three a penny,
and those who can't afford to buy geta
'em for nuffin'!
Old Gent— l'll take tho lot!
•— Tho TbKOM ami Country.
MR. TAFT OBJECTED EMPHATICALLY.
cruelty," renig sadly, "but nothing could
I obtain from those wretched victims.
This week already I have caught »5 Rail
way Presidents and examined them care
fully. Their stories was pitiful. Not
only was they t*o honest to get rich, but
they was working nights and Sundays
to support their Orphaned and Dummy
"Are there no dishonest Trusts?" re
quire Taft affibly.
"A few." pronounce Hon. Wick, "but
there are none in captivity."
"I got a perfectly digestable Idea,"
say Hon. Hitchcock, holding up his hand
like he wished to speak. "This Plan will
fill U. S. Treasury by carloads. Yet it
will not be like the Tariff, which bleeds
the poor to tickle the rich. This Idea
from my brain is called the General
Nuisance Tax. Its objeck is to make
folks pay for the privilege of making
themselves disagreeable to others. Near
ly everybody like to be a nuisance once
in a while. Others oftener. Think of
what comfort it would be to do this
fact thet in prehistoric races ther weemlrt
folks did all ther manooal labor, while ther
men attended to ther flghtin'. Now ther
men hey to do all ther manooal labor an'
ther weemin do ther nghtin'. 'Twa'nt right
fur this anty-cedent o' ourn, whoever he
wus. ter ee-stablish a pre-ceedent by
changin' things frum what they wus.
"1 am firmly convinced thet if mothers
knowed what cruel disapp'intments an' suf
ferin' an' ignominy their sons wus 'bout ter
step inter when they cum to them an' put
their lovin' arms 'round her neck an' tell
her that they hey gone inter a one-sided
alliance with sum girl, they'd take 'em out
inter ther woodshed an' put 'em outen their
misery with a ax handle. Many a young
son to-day is leavin" ther lovin' care o* his
mother an' ther roof o' his father who hf>s
allus supported him an' seen thet he hed
their latest style o" green fuzzy hats an"
fancy westcoats, ter go inter a life partner
ship with a girl what more'n likely'll refus«
ter go ter work an' support him in ther
luxury that he hes been used ter. An' it
he gits up spunk ernough ter guv her any
back talk, ur dares ter exercise ther sama
prerogative es she does an' set 'round ther
VERY FESTIVE INDEED.
"I can't (hie) take any more, ol' man
Pour.t over me (hie); I l,ke tho smell
house all day drummln' on ther planner an*
readin' novels, she'll more'n likely soak
him on ther top ot her head with a rollln*
Pin an' roll his mangled roe-mains often
ther front porch an* tell him never ter cum
back till, ho gits a job. Taint right fur
ther male sex ter be treated in this onfair
manner, ji.st on account «v a pro-ceedent
established in ther dim. distant past.
Twa'n't this way when ther world wus
young. it was Ev« what hed ter shin up
ther tree an* pick ther apple In ther Garde
o Eden, while Adam set in ther shade an'
et It. This 'ere Mrs. Catts knows what she
la talkin' 'bout. •
" "Taint no wonder thet a thunderin 1 lot
O our young married men air layln* avak*
far inter ther |ght a-sobbln* out their
heart, on a tear wet bolster, an* wishln*
they nedn't never loft , h e,- luxurious BUr ,.
port o* a lovin' father. Then ther wives
what he 3 veiled * em inter this one-sid^
to Trim Public Ex
legally at slight cost! I have got here
In my vest a tiny schedule of Taxable
Nuisances. This list, of course, could
he revised occasionally by any commit
tees agreeable to Serene O'Pain and
Senator Aldrich. Following is it:
GENETRAL NUISANCE ACT.
I— HATS: L-ulies wearing J<«lly W:<l
ows with over 3 ft. saw-edge extensions,
?3 annually. When complicated by os
trich tail ticklers. $4 extra. Exposed
hatpins, 30c. each. Ladles who habit
ually retain their hats on in thp Thea
tre until reminded by Hon. Ush and then
say, "O. I didn't sippose anybody was
behind me!" $10 for annual privilege
Gents wearing green plush Hats with
Alpine ticklers stuck In the band. $15
for 6 month privilege.
2— CONVERSATION— FoIks saying. "I
knew Dr. Cook w^s crooked fr^m the
first." fiOc. for each offence. "O. you
Kid!" $150. "What will Roosevelt d.->
to Taft when he gets back?" $5 eaqh
offence, $50 life privilege.
3_TIPPING: Private persons tipping
Waiters must pay 10 per cent of each tip
to the Government. Corporations tip
ping U. S. Senators needn't pay nothing,
because a tip to a Senator is a patriotick
4— GENERAL NUISANCES: Police
men. Servant-girl?. Elevator- boys. On
ions. Chauffeurs, TaxKabs. Cigarettes.
P?ychical Researchers. Peddler?, PfetON
Puzzles, English Poet?, Parrot?, Musical
Comedie?. Hookworms. Flies and Popu
lar Songs; all these must be fined to the
full extent of their face value "
"Such a tax as you snuggest." Hon.
"Wilson sprout sadly. By a disgusted mo
tion he throw a apple corpse behind
steam Radiator and hit Nogi in the eye
"Such a tax as you snuggest." he
sprout out. "is foolish on the outside of
it. For Instance, you mention taxing
Hookworms 'to the full extent of their
face value.' How thlnkless! It is well
known among agriculturists that Hook
worms has no face. It is equally well
known that they has no value. There
fore you are talking garbage"
"Who could collect moneys 1/om a
Hookworm?" require Hon. Nagl* sniffly.
"I have collected Campaign Contribu
tions from tighter vermin than that!"
snuggest Hon. Hitch simply, all the pride
of a Postoffice shining from his eyes.
"Before this meeting is sojourned,"
collapse Hon. ileyer. "I wish to put be
front of you a Plan to improve my Navy
by spending $127,000,000."
"If you can put befront of us a plan
Mrs. Carrie Chapman Catt sez thet a woman hes no mora rg^ «« r -''
man outen ther house what hes quit work an' is livin* on her vva-es tnaft J
hes ter fire a woman what refuses ter v\ ork."
partnership kicks *em in ther pit o* ther
stummick with their cold heels an" cruelly
tells 'em ter shut up an' got ter sleep sos
they kin git up in time ter git ter work in
ther mornin'. "Taint no wonder a lot o'
our bizness men air negleetin* their wives
an glvln* all o* their love to their stenog
raphers ur private secrytary. It air prob'ly
•cause they air attracted ter a gal what
works Now thet Mrs. Catts hes made
ther suggestion. I think thet this thins
orter be looked inter afore it goes any
further. Bein" a reprysentative o* their law.
'squire, what do yuh think o' a one-sided I
contract like ther marriage vow?"
"By erackey. now th*»t my 'tentlon hes ;
bean called ter it b' this 'ere Mrs. Catts 3
statement, I would say thet ther marriage
contrack air a one-sided contrack. an* aa
slch It hain't legal." replied the squire.
"Ther marriage contrack ortn't ter hold
water in any court o* law. Es a uneektl
contract it air unconstitutional, an' any
marriage contrack atween parties appearin* i
before me in ther future, onless it spee
cifleally states thet ther wife an' husband
shall labor eekilly ter support ther fambly.
shall be so Judged. It air funny sum o
them smart city lawyers hain't dee-scov
*rod this flaw in ther marriage contrack i
"Jimrainy crickets! Want ther weenitn
folks git net up if It air amended?" put in
"Shucks! Twont never be changed." said
the school teacher. "Mans ideals nev
changed since ther prehistoric times, when
weemin di.l ther manooal labor. Then ther ■
Bal with a hand like a ham an* shoulders
«• th.r back .. a hack an' with ther soil
°" ther uney verso smeared on her flat nose
wu« ther brill o* ther village., but now
she'd t'<- a drug on ther matrymonial "mar
ket. Most men nowadays,! find it tough
work tryln* Kg love a fee-male what cuma
f:iiin ther machine shop in ther evenln*.
'■"'in:' a dinner bucket, with a hunk o'
to improve your Navy without n^3
5127.000.000. I shall listen potuS^
Pres. Taft. "Otherwise.- No. Thatv
ls never heard from but what It *
to spend some more money, it i, w
than keeping a boy in Colled??." **
'As there Is ten more minutes v
quit-time." say Hon. Nagle, "i »*»^
read you a little Commerce & tTJ*
Poem which ought to tire vos^^
much." . VV 6*6 *
So • he pull following rbHaaJ
thought from his internal pocket:
: THE VILLAGE AIRSHIP; '
Under the spreading chestnut W-'
The Village Airship lies. . .
The Boy Inventor at the helm-
He's trying for a prize.
He fills the tank with gasolene
And gazes at the skies.
Up In the spreading chestnut bss»i
The Village Jay Bird sits.
He sees that queerish airo-plaae
And laughts himself to fits.
"If that Thing flies I'll quit the **_•
He twittering!}' twits. ***>
Around the spreading chestnut h-«s
The Village Joshers leer. •
One says. Hot*- would you late to *»»
One says. "His poor Pa died of i**
No wonder Bill is queer." '""*"*
The Boy Inventor twists the wbajb-
Propellor-blade3 go round. .'?-"..
She starts, she quakes. sh« bar-. -»
shakes . V,*f
As if in pain profound —
Does all a Airship ought to do.
Except to leave the ground.
The Boy Inventor vainly toils
Until the fading light.
Then leaves his Flier 'neath the bisk
Unguarded from the night ""**"*
"I guess the thing- won't run awaj,"
He says and he is right.
Up in the spreading chestnut bbh
The azure Jay doth peck.
"What don't go Up won't ce'«r ism I
He twitters, "and by Heck.
If 'aeros all was built like that
Folks wouldn't break their cede
After this exhausting son?. aS tin
Cabinets depart away quite wflßSjfe
So me & Xogi are permitted to ajajt
forth from those hot Radiators tat*
- Hoping you are the same.
Yours truly. .
tC^c-.r'.sht, 1910. ' by the ' Associated Vaxt
HE DIDN'T GO UP HEAD. I
"If the whale swaiiou-ed Jonah. T *B
didn't the lions devour Daniel V asked j ■
The redheaded boy spoke up: ■
ilebbe Daniel was in the circus bafaaafl
an' the lions knowed him."—A tlanta '-•■
1 - '| hf
waste stickin' or.ten her hip 00 *'!^ v
face covered with grease an' 3*j*~^
a oil ree-nnery. Most youn« """^ ajl
when they be sparkin' a gal a *"^- ) fc
a little velvet hand sllppm' '"* . t p»
their dark hallway, instead o' &*jg*
o* a paw like a bears, cover** %^*x
frum handlin' a pick an' about '-^^
eekil contrack ur not. ther «▼«••*
terday'd a durned sight * r L^-al
difference an* git sumthia' taorec 1^
an' not quite so useful."
POLITICS FOR THE S3 f^
Orator-Take the nsrures J* o **^^
an.l subtract 2M-X\«s7 in *** r|, 03 Gf"
per cent for increase of poP' J 3 "*cob^'
tlemen. you can draw *•>* *^
slons. .___ '^r'-^**
Enlightened Audience- Ear- «
RATHER OUTSPOKJJ 1 -
Young Sportaman—i* , ,
to nsh m this ""9 hbo . r j!l *.nt «£■
N*ative-We», th» *l*"?\ hho,9 o, iff
ruithin 1 to speak of : J> •»• ***_
know what your t.mo »" 1 « ■_&& *•