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The Sunday Tribune's News
and Reviews of Books and Authors
Diary of a Middle Class Man
By Charlotte Dean
?AX ?L?CITil DXART. By Stephen C
VelanA. Hartar & Ero?.
SAM BLICK is a middle-aged man.
That nimple fact is enough to
damn him in these days of danger?
ous ages, in view of the middle
aged men lately presented to a
tolerant reading public, various fer?
menta may legitimately be suspected to
be at work within Mr, BHek. One mid
?ile-ag-sd man after another appears,
all blindly, miserably unsuccessfully
trying to nose out happiness, and the
consequence is that the oblique glance
of anspicion falls on the most recent
recruit to the ranks of middle-aged
It looks bad for Mr. Blick, too, that
h? vs unbluf*hingly set forth in a diary.
What a chance i? hero! He can
tell, if he caros to. hi? exact reaction.-*
to an exquif.ite doll, to a lady'* broad
couch in :i violet. :>iik cover, to a
g!mpt>e of Natalie's fluffy head sil?
houetted against a pile of yellow lum?
ber. Rant Buck's Diary"! Not even hia
prosaic name can save him. Wasn't
Babbitt named Babbitt'*'
But something did save him?pre?
sumably Stephen N'oland. Mr. Blick
has his troubles, but they are not
psycho-jpathological. He makes no
dark and secret exploration into the
recesses of his soul. He is probably
abnormal. He makes none of the fur?
tive excursions into the Fairy Land of
the Second Blooming indulged in by
the well-balanced, average, middle
aged man of to-day's fiction. He rises
to the zenith of ecstasy, and sinks to
the nadir of despair, but. not on an
erotic roller coaster.
* * *
Sam BHek is the answer to a ques?
tion tha* has bobbed up in at least one
reader's mind?must a middle-aged
man be a blind groper after beauty (n
order to enter the literary lista of the
year? That answer is a firm negative.
\V!*?-*n I read tb? jacket copy on "Sam
Slick's* Diary" it seemed that no book
dealing with such a person as Mr. Blick
was indicated to be. could be the sort
of book that the blurb writer insisted
it -was. Diaries nowadays are asso?
ciated with thoughts of introspection
and the subconscious, or sometimes
with intimate revelations of the con?
temporary great. Could a diary of a
middle-aged man live up to such state?
ments of the publisher, as these:
'"Sam Buck's Diary' ?3 as photo?
graphically real -and as funny?-as a
snapshot of a family reunion. Sam
Isn't trying to be funny; he is trying
to be truthful. He Is a plain American
citizen, setting down the incidents each
day ?t home and office."
It has become so much the fashion
to qnote jacket copy for the purpose
of pointing out its inaccuracy and gen?
eral windiness that I hesitate to put
myself quite out of it by approving of
?his copy. Nevertheless, that is what
f must do if I am to be honest. It is
fair and true. The comparison be?
tween the diary and a snapshot of a
family reunion seems as apt as any?
thing I can think of at the moment.
That classifies Mr. Blick and hi?
diary as far as it is possible to pigeon?
hole a book eo out of the ordinary in
*.ts method and matter. It is realism
of a sort, but not gray, unhappy real?
ism. It is more real than that. It Is
real In the manner of Mr. Briggs's
"Mr. and Mrs." It has Insight, humor,
flashes of mild Irony and a calm, hyp
i notic manner that leads the reader on
? from one ?gntry to the next inexorably.
I You may want to stop?I did, moro
: than once, hut I read on, which is prob
? nbly a good test of the compelling
j manner, and I laughed in spite of my*
? self, which is certainly the best way
\ to Ittugh.
There ought to be passages in the
book which could be quoted for the
'? sake, of giving somo idea of its dry
humor, but it is not easy to make le
! lections. Mr. Blick's sly way of leading
| one on in this case militates against
i him. However, at the risk of not be?
ing able to stop:
"Home in evening to a good supper
! and Fred Thomas showing up with a
; Boston tcrrior puppy in a shoo box,
! given to him by a friend; and as Fred
; had no place to keep it, he brought it
to Ellen as a gift. Polly and Ellen
! both asking wouldn't the friend take
? it back again, but Fred saying it was
, too late to give him back, I saying the
pup would stay at our house, as we
I need a watchdog, anyhow, and I'd al
i ways wanted a pup. Naming the pup
Pep, as he Is so full of same, and feed
| ing him milk till he looked as if he
j had swallowed a baseball."
The pup figures importantly in the
j diary from this entry, made in Feb
'? ruary- His hungry presence in the
! morning causes words between Mr.
: Blick and his wife, Polly, "She said
that of late Pep eeems to be my first
| thought around the house. I seeinj*
j that I have made a mistake with him,
[ so resolving to say something bright
j and personal to Polly and Ellen every
l chance I get. Beginning by telling
i Polly that the rice muffins she made
j for breakfast were the best I had ever
i eaten, but getting in wrong there, as
j Mrs. Walker, our new neighbor, had
; brought them over while I was fixing
i the furnace."
Pep chews up overshoes and tears
j open a couple, of feather pillows, howls
when he is shut up in the basement or
! out of doors and is such a source of
argument between Mr. Blick and his
PoUy that he almost becomes the hy?
potenuse of a triangle. Says Mr. Blick:
"To show that I was bluffing when I
talked about getting a place to live
with Pep, inviting Polly, Ellen and Fred
to dinner and to the theater; and, as
luck would have it. one of the char?
acters in tho play said: 'Show me a
man that dogs like and I'll show you a
good husband.' Glad to see more real
? ism of this kind on the stage showing
j that authoi-s are going to real life for
| their material." Mr. Blick sensibly
! concludes to go to the theater oftener
| to encourage that sort of thing.
* * *
Everybody knows Mr. Blick. He
i lives In a pleasant part of a fair-sized
j Middle Western city; he likes a din
I ner of T-bone steak and baked pott
toes, lettuce and Thousand Island
dressing, deep apple pie and coffee. He
is bamboozled by Polly and his daugh?
ter into thinking that he runs the
household; he likes the "movies," his
i little car, his neatly kept house and
j yard and his position as head of a de
; partaient at the office. Once in a while
! he goes to church.
j Mr. Noland's book*, his first, is ex
| traordinary in many ways.. In particu
| lar it is sound. Mr. Noland has his
j feet on solid earth and it is to be hoped
I he will keep them there while he
j writes his next one. This is a book
j for those of us who liked "Peck's Bad
! Boy," Plupy Shute and Mr. Lardner's
i Friend Al. It is a book for those of us
who have furnaces to tend and snow
i to shovel.
The Kaiser's Alibi
Bv Will Cunnv
THE KAISErVS MEMOIRS. By Wilhe'm
II. Empwor of Otrmaay, 1888-1318.
Harpar A\ Broa.
1 WONDER why I am always asked
to review the books that look a
little off color, somewhat queer
and fishy, not quit? bright or
otherwise beneath the notice of
the rest of the office If I have been
appointed feeble-minded editor of this
paper I should like to know it at once
and also the nature and amount of the
Increased emoluments appertaining to
The staff Insulter would have noth?
ing to do with "The Kaiser's Memoirs,"
and I can understand that it was no
case for the official Blumenwerfer.
Yes, now I see it all. I realize what
meaning lay in Mr. Rascoe's Giaconda
smile as he reached me the volume,
holding it gingerly between thumb and
Index finger by means of a sterilized
piece o? a Bookman's Day Book. He
was handing me my portfolio.
I wish I could begin my career by
calling the Kaiser gome new nameg.
That always struck me as eminently
imbecile. But there aren't any.
^ Kaiser will do. All I can attempt is
^?*o gp-o soma faint reflection, as idio
^?tlcally as a novice may, of what my
P^author, an old hand in this genre, has
expertly and characteristically vented
and invented in this story of his life.
I am to take the Kaiser's brain child
by the hand and wander whither its
somewhat clouded fancy wills. All
right. Let's go.
* '? m
Thlg book has greatly changed my
opinion of the Kaiser. (That will
surely clinch my job). For one thing,
T was glad to learn that he had nothing
whatever to do with starting the ?vvar.
Whoever say? he did is simply calling
him a plain liar. He spent his whole
time trying to prevent the war and
usher in the day of universal peace?
"Der Tag," he called it. This just shows
what reports will get around. And
that you can't believe all you hear, or
Peace was the Kaiser's middle name.
rt finally got him. All his present
troubles, he says himself, "are the
consequence of a well-nigh incredible
love of peace." I regard the word
"well-nigh" an a blunder. In a gesture
of this sort the only thing to do is ix
go the whole echwei?. With this singl?
exception, the Kaiser has done just
Th? real cause of the war, as wo all
know, was the famous "gentlemen's
agreement" between the United States
h'ngland and France, in 1897, to nag
hound and otherwise annoy the Kaisei
[for a period of seventeen years, then
I fight him. Interne him and have him
| give a dinner party at Doom, Holland,
I on November 5, 1922, and be mentioned
l by mo this morning. The Kaiser de
! clares that his thoughts on the
?"gentlemen's agreement" arc "a com
j plete refutation of all those who were
impelled, during the war, to find the
i reason for the entry of the United
I States in certain military acts on the
part of Germany, for instance, the
! Lusitania case, the expansion of U
boat warfare, etc."
That, however, la old Btuff. The
truth seems to be that President Wil?
son had become so infuriated at hav?
ing to read Schiller in high school thai
he transferred his hatred of Wilhelm
Tell to our hero and resolved, with
some violence to the fiction, that some
? day, God willing, he would get the
j Kaiser upstage and miss the apple.
a ? ?
Another i-eason for this book review
' was King Edward VII's incorrigible
I passion for encirclement. This mon
! arch was, in fact, the victim of ar
j encirclement complex, a psychical pe
iculiarity that became the direful spnnjj
! of plenty of woes, 3iot the least o:
? which was an acute attack of cacoethe*
? 8cribendi on the part of the Kaiser
'?? When King Edward grew weary of en
! circling around in his own palace h<
j got up an international encirclin?
scheme, to wit, the "gentleman's agree
j ment," for no reason except pure Eng
i lishness and general encirclementivitx
! The Kaiser takes r just revenge b
j writing up his cousin's funeral in
j distinctly small-town literary style.
The Kaiser also definitely fixes th
sole blame upon so many other pel
sons that I think the situation i
rather more serious than even h
imagines. The only thing I can b
sure of !s that I didn't do it. Bu
did I? How can I tell? I shall hav
to analyze myself all over again, pel
hapa consult a specialist, to detei
mine whether some unconsidered a<
of mine, some thoughtless word spoke
perhaps in jest, did not set King E<
ward to encircling more wildly tha
was his wont and thus pr?cipit?t
"The Kaiser's Memoirs.'1
? ? ?
Be that as it may, the war is ovi
now and the book is printed. It is b\
just to state that the Kaiser's one ii
?piration throughout his reign was
great, pure, self-abnegating love for h
people and a desire to see them we
and happy. For them and them aloi
he built monuments over hia ancestoi
had himself sculptured, painted, ma
siiired and brilliantined, redeeorat?
The Mother of 4SI Living
By the Author of
"Simon Called Peter"
HILDEGARDE HAWTHORNE: "Those who care for a rich and
interesting story, who feel the thrill of adventure ... and of meet
in* real men and women are going to find a great delight in this
African novel. '?hew York Herald.
LOUISE MAUNSELL FIELD: "Far and away the moat interest
ing character in the book is the vivid, passionate, intelligent, ruth?
less and strong-willed, but generous Pamela, who dabbled in stranira
arts and ran strange risks, besides playing an ugly game from pt
ceilent motives."?New York Times.
DOROTHEA L. MANN": "Mr. Keable has power we knew before
but it has fpown with use He is a bigger man than when he wrote
'Simon Called Peter,' and he has staged a vaster scene . . this is a
book with a meaning and it possesses potent appeal."
?The Boston Transoript.
**????* E. P. BUTTON & CO; %0?S&*
A caricature of Max Beerbohm, author of "Bossetli and His Circle"
the royal palaces, restored the White
Drawing Room, and arranged for most
of them* to go to a better world.
As a parting kiss to the remainder
he gives them in bis memoirs detailed
advice on how to get themselves killed
off, too. Ho would have seen to this
himself if some one hadn't nipped his
plans in the bud. Even in his own
home he was surrounded by cncirclers
and bud-nippers, so that his heart was
always bleeding. For whom? I give
you three guesses.
Besides love for others, his main
interests lay in art, literature, science
and religion. Ho went the highbrows
one better by producing "Assurbani
pal," a play on the subject of Assyriol
ogy, the leading character in which
was an archaeological excavation. The
drama was hissed by encirclers. He
honored Homer by going to Ithaca and
stepping upon the places mentioned in
He was especially fond of chemical
research, as he saw in it great pos?
sibilities for making his fellow
creatures everywhere healthier and
3nore comfortable. His religious views,
which ho sets forth at great length,
seem to me to smack slightly of
heresy. And it came as a surprise to
learn that God had "revealed Himself"
in the person of the Kais??r's grand?
father, William the Great. No* one can
miss the main religious message which
glows throughout the memoirs?get
right with this world.
In spite of his spirited hypertrophy,
the Kaiser shone as a diplomat when?
ever the bud-nippers gave him a
chance. Some time in the '80s a Rus
sian grand duchess said to him In St.
Petersburg, "Here we sit all the time
on a volcano." I should have thought
she'd hardly notice that. Tho Rus?
sians are always sitting on stoves. Had
the duchess told this to me ? should
have rallied her a little along these
lines (nothing rough, of course), and
promptly have forgotten it. Th<*
Kaiser got out. his notebook, wrote it
down, took if home, and put it in the
archives of tho Foreign Office.
* * *
I His cryptic allusion to the time he
"stood before the enemy" with his be?
loved troops refers doubtless to his so
| journ at the chateau of Pinon, in
| France, the property of the Princess of
Poix, whom he had once entertained.
On this occasion he assisted his father?
land by inspecting the condition of the
princess's old wearing apparel which
; had been tossed about her private
apartments by the heartless English.
Heexamined everything carefully and
lovingly, sent, nil the lady's dirty
clothes to tho Icleaner, hung them up
again, wrote her to this effect and
awaited her reply. Did she show the
commonest gratitude? Not she. She
i didn't even answer the letter.
It seems that the road to Doom was
I paved with good advice from many
j quarters. Let. our hero speak:
"Still others say the Emperor should
i have killed himself. That was made
I impossible by my firm Christian be
j liefs. And would not people have ex?
claimed: 'How cowardly! Now he
shirks all responsibility by committing
Well, more's the pity, thoy would.
Woodrow Wilson at Versailles
By William L. McPherson
WOODROW WILSON AND WORLD
SK'l-n.K.MKN'l'. llv Ray Stttiinn-ni
Baker, a Vols, Doubled*?, Pas? a i-'o.
WHEN Mr. Baker wns miblish
iiu** his book serially in
"The New York Times" he
gave it a different titlo:
"America and tho World
j IVni'.c." The ??hange to "Woodrow
' Wilson and World Settlement" is to
l??> coiiimcnded on the ?coro of greater
: pertinency and accuracy. Does it also
argue a clearing up of the author's
j original perspective?
"America and the World Pence" was
j a misnomer for a work dealing, as this
I does, exclusively with Mr. Wilson's
I activities at Paris. Mr. Baker tactful?
ly waves aside the broader and more
perilous question: What had America
tho real Americn?to do with those
| activities? Only the peculiarities of
our constitutional system allowed Mr.
Wilson to go to the peace conference.
He was tho single major power negoti?
ator there who dhi not have a parlia?
ment at home behind him. He had
asked tho people of tho United States
to give him a vote of confidence by re
electing a Democratic House and a
Democratic Senate. They balked at
doing so. They distrusted his leader?
ship in foreign affairs. They dreaded
tho idea of allowing him a free rein in
tho peace negotiations.
H?* had said when he asked for the
vol?- of confidence: "I am your servant
and 1 will accept your judgment with?
out cavil." But when the verdict was
rendered he resented it and ignored it.
He set up his own will against the
country's will. He sailed for Europe,
taking with him nobody who repre?
sented the. new Republican majority in
Congress, Instead he was accompanied
by shadow associates, whose opinions
he disdained and whom he treated not
as equals but. as servitors.
What could the real America have
to do with a peace mission of this char?
acter? It could only deplore the mis?
understandings which Mr. Wilson
created abroad as to his representa?
tive capacity. It, awaited the time when
ho should have to submit his work to
the Senate und the people. Tho results
of that submission are history. The
American electorate i?i 1920 repudiated
Mr, Wilson's treaty even more decisive?
ly than they had repudiated his for?
eign leadership ?n 1918.
Mr. Baker ha-- therefore wisely
abandoned the attempt to identify the
Wilson policy with what America policy
should have been and probably would
have, been had this country been fairly
represented in the peace conference.
Ho presents the Wilson adventure for
what it was?-a personal rather than
a national one?a personal failure
rather than a national failure.
A tragic failure it certainly was?
making the peace more unworkable
than it should have been and finally
keeping the United States out of it,
Of what value was a poaco which the
United States would reject -and would
reject not because of what the Eu?
ropean delegation had put into it, out
because of what Mr. Wilson himself
had put into it? That is the final con?
demnation of the President's achieve?
ment as a peace negotiator.
It is Mr. Baker's task to set forth
the conditions under which Mr. Wilson
labored at Paris and to account for the
fruitlessness of his efforts. The author
?wont through the Paris d?b?cle as pub?
licity agent for the American peace
commission, and his book recalls vivid?
ly the political ogres and fantasies of
that spook-ridden period. In his pages
one sees the ferocious Old Diplomacy
pitted against tho radiant Now Diplo?
macy, European Realism and Reaction
struggling to subdue the Wllsonlan
Idealism; Clemenceau, pictured ?s a
tiger with real claw? and a ravenous
appetite, lying in wart nt every turn to
tear the visions of a new world to
pieces. Poor Clemenceau, a tiger do?
cile and toothless, who was bamboozled
both by Wilson >and Lloyd (?eorge and
was left in the end holding in his
hands the ironical draft of a tripartite
military alliance treaty for which ho
had traded French security on the
* * *
Wilson failed, Mr. Baker suggests,
because European nationalism was too
hard-boiled to accept the Wilson gospel
of internationalism. But there were
other reasons. We are told that the
President relied too much on himself
and did not knox?* how to nccept advice
or to meet equals and deal with them.
Also that he did not understand the
value of publicity and that American
preparation to handle the problems of
the peace was insufficient.
American preparation was deficient.
Mr. Lansing has testified that Mr. Wil?
son went to Paris without any con?
structive program beyond insistence
on the incorporation of a League of
Nations covenant into the treaty. The
backbone of that covenant scheme was
a guaranty of territorial integrity
similar to that which had been drawn
up earlier for insertion in a proposed
Pan-American convention. Yet, this
guaranty was practically negatived
in the authority which Mr, Wilson
wanted to give to a three - fourths
majority in the league's governing
body to change boundaries at any time
In the interest of self-determination
or for other reasons. Such a provision
would have created an omnipotent and
meddling international super-state on
the ruins of national sovereignty.
In technical preparation the Amer
; icati delegation was weak- But Mr,
! Baker exaggerates its weakness when
| he says that it was hampered by ignor
! anee of the secret treaties made during
! the war by the Entente nations. Mr.
| Wilson told the Senate Committee on
'? Foreign Relations that these agree
ments were not disclosed to him nntil
after he reached Paris. This is a most
astonishing statement. Mr. Baker ad?
mits that Mr, Lansing knew of some of
these agreements and that Mr. Balfoar
talked with Colonel House about other*?.
Many of them were a!30 revealed in
1917 by the Russian Bolshevist govern?
ment and were published, as Mr. Pooley
says, in his "Japan's Foreign Policies,"
"in Russia, China, the United States
and this country" (Great Britain).
Pooley declares that if the President
i did not know of them officially he must
i have known of them unofficially.
This is the conclusion frankly stated
by Mr. Walter Lippmsnn, one of Colo?
nel House's assistants, in the con?
troversy between him and Mr. Baker
carried on last spring in "The
Nation." He savsi "I believe that
Mr. Wilson knew about the Treaty of
London at that time [May, 1918] be
cause everybody else did." He holds
that Articles V?IJ and IX of the Four?
teen Points are "unintelligent except
on the assumption that their author
understood the secret treaties." He,
therefore, agrees with Pooley that the
President was unofficially cognizant of
the treaties, but wished to remain
"officially ignorant of them." Mr.
Baker's chapter dealing with the ob?
stacles raised by American "ignorance"
of the secret treaties is the most dis?
ingenuous in his book.
Whatever may have been the Presi?
dent's lack of technical preparation, a
greater handicap was his moral unpre
?paredner.s. He was morally unprepared
? to negotiate peace because he never
| understood the war. Ho struggled to
keep out of it. As to the merits of the
! struggle he was dir-interested. Ha be
? lived that it ought to end in "a peace
j without victory," in which the United
! States should play the r?le of impar
I lia! mediator. That, was his funda
I mental war policy, and even up to Feb
| ruary 1, 1917, he was negotiating with
i Bcrnstorff to promote a diplomatic Bet
! tle*ncnt in which he should figure a*
: th? neutral umpire.
Franklin K. Lane wrote of him on
February 25. 1017, after American par?
ticipation in the war waa unescapable:
"I don't know whether the President
i- an internationalist or a pacifist; he
seems to be mildly national?his patri?
otism is covered over with a film of
philosophic humanltarianism *v,.l
tainly doesn't make for 'punch-', c'r"
1918 this attitude persiste! T l"4
ident went to Paris with the u! r**
It was his mission to curh'Ia t,!?
claims of the major European,!??
and to secure a "peace wit** .AIlli?
tory" a, far a* possible Itho?t v??.
In this frame of mind U ??. tJ
understand that, what KnrL-M n?i
first of all was a r,J,?'ag. "
impose the will of the victor,
unrepentant vanquished s?/? "^
new order resting on aiiLi **? *
Peace should have eonle ??
schemes for international ? ' '
against future wars come aJ^T^"
he ?ve?ed the process and ?',>
up the League with the treafv
it up with an instrument borr, Wt*
sensions and incapable, of avril;!' d"'
Allied concert neceas?, tol?*?
It was not the Old Diplom,,. ^
worsted Wilson at F'ari? hut ?' Cl
misdirected strategy, due to ? -0**
derstanding of what he wa, tw'1?*
These volumes p^uantlv T
again that drama of rn i .v0? (,,?,,.*?**?
wasted effort?wasted, certa?X **
as hi? own com Ir, ,?- r/??*j*r
They ?.re a valuable contrhSff*
history, however, m the ?? .??. f'
?ng to light data which sLnW*'
been made public property i0?. '
and which are now released an, *?
ter of private enterprise. ***&?
ZOE A KINS is to have ?31
plays published this ??-. or },/**?
Livcright. Two of ? -, a.r,/?5*
the volume !)? ..,;*'
Barrymore appeared, and ??ruSr
Gone A-Huntir.2-," ??- ?l*|4J.s
Rambeau as the star -are alrtJJ?S
known. The third play, "The fe
Nightingale,' is to be presented rt?'
month with .Fobyna Howland hwrS.
the cast. This play has been tS
in Chicago under the title "Create??
It ?s a comedy dealing with what ?
known as the art;-*, temp?rai?
showing four type?, of artist-tLSS
prima donna, who came <rrii?*ifv
from Texas; a mar who? novel?3l
fine, have never brought liim forte?
a youth whose poom remind cut ?
Keats, and a famous violinist
You see her daily in the London
Tube, the Paris Underground, the
New York Subway?Lilian, poor, beautiful
and alone; fascinating and disturbing.
"Dash it!" you say to yourself, "what busi?
ness has a girl like that working in an office
for her living!" You are right; she has no business in
an office. Her talent is to please, and her business is
marriage?and a good marriage- But you are afraid
to tell her so. Arnold Bennett isn't. His new novel is
of and for Lilian. He knows her and he isn't afraid to
tell her the truth about this monstrous behavior of
hers. And Lilian listens. She listens, and blushes.
But something inside her acknowledges that she is
listening to the truth.
By Arnold Bennett
Author of "Mr. Prohack," "The Old Wives' Tale," etc.
At All Bookshops $2.00
The novel about
that Japan will not
allow to be sold.
A Sincere and Valuable Critical Study o?
This fine and satisfactory study of the man, of his conception of
criticism, of his ideals of literature, of his literary method, of
his "poetry, travels, and of his fiction, is sane and balanced.
Admiration for this permanent asset of American literature
makes the writer sympathetic without prejudicing the judg?
ment of a scholar of high standards and sound culture. It is a
book which should be in the library of every one appreciative
of good literature.
By DELMAR GROSS COOKE
$8,00, postage- extra
at any bookBtore
Published by E. P. DUTTON & CO?
Have Some Fun,Enjoy the Social Season
Let Your Social Errors
Cheer You On
Donald Ogden Stewart, author of
that tremendous Kit "A Parody Out?
line of History/' ha? rung the bell
?again in Us new book PERFECT
BEHAVIOR. On all sides you are
being assailed with advice about your
social conduct If you want to laugh
at it all and enjoy ?se funniest book
of the year, read what follows and
buy PERFECT BEHAVIOR at once f
introductions in High Society
Donald Ogden Stewart, Culture Engineer.
says In his famous handbook of Perfect Be?
havior: Introductions still play an Important
part In aoclal Intercourse, and many errors
aro often perpetrated by those ignorant of
?avoir* fair? (correct forra). When introduc?
ing a young* lady to a stranger for
example. It in not au fait (correct
form) to simply say, "Mr. Roe,
X want you to shake hands with
my friend Dorothy." Under the
?rules of the beau monde (correct
form) this would probably be done
as -follow?: "Dorothy (or Miss
Doe), shake hands with Mr. Roe."
Alwi va give the name of the ladb?
arst, unless you are Introducing
?orne one to the President ?f the
United State?, the Archbishop of
Canterbury, a member of the no?
bility above a baron, or a cus?
tomer. The person who Is being
"Introduced" -then extends his (or
her) right ungloved hand and
saya, "Shake." You "shake," say?
ing at the same time "It's warm
(cool) for -November (May)," to
which the other replies, "I'll say
This brings up the interesting
?Question of introducing two people
to each other, neither of whoso
names you tan remember. This
to generally done by saying very
?quickly to one of the parties, "Of
?course you know Miss Unkunk
unk." Say the last "Unk" very
?quickly, so that it sounds like
any name from Ab to Zinc. You
might even sneeze violently. Of
course, In nine cases out of ten,
one of the two people will at once
aay, "I didn't get the name," at
which you laugh, "Ha! Ha! Ha!"
In a carefree manner several
times, saying at the same time,
"Well, well?-so- you didn't get
the name?you didn't get the
name?well, well." If the man
still .persists In wishing to know
who It is to whom he is being
introduced, the best procedure
consists in simply braining him
on the spot with a club or con?
venient slab of
have no mutual
friend the in?
generally be ar?
ranged a? fol*
Procure a few
feet of stout
manila ropo or
clothes - line,
?from any of the
better - class
tain (from the
ocation of the
go there on
some dark eve-.
Ding about nine
tha ropo across . , ...
the eidewalk in front of the res?
idence about six inches or a foot
from the ground. Then, with tho
aid of a match and some kero?
sene, set fire to the young lady's
house in several places and retire
behind a convenient tree. After
some time, if she is at home, she
will probably he forced to run out
of her house to avoid being
bunted to death. In her excite
Whixh ?f these three has blundered?
ment she will fall to notice the
rope which you have stretched
across the sidewalk and will fall.
This is your opportunity to obtain
an introduction. Stepping up to
her and touching your hat po?
litely; you say, in a well-modu
lated voice, "I beg your pardon.
Miss Doe, but I cannot help
notioingthat you are lying prone
on the sidewalk." If ehe Is well
bred, she will not at first speak
to you, as you are a perfect
stranger. This silence, however.
should be your cue to once more
tip your hat and remark, "I real?
ize, Miss Doe, that I have not had
the honor of an Introduction, but
you will admit that you are lying
prone on the sidewalk. Hera is my
card?and here is one for Mrs.
Doe, your mother," At that you.
should hand her two plain en?
graved calling cards, each con?
taining your name and address. If
there are any other ladies In hen
family?aunts, grandmothers, et.
cetera.?it is ?correct to leave cards
for them also. Be sure that the
cards, are clean, as the name on
the calling card is generally suffi?
cient for identification purposes
without the addition of the
When she_, has accepted your
cards, she will give you tone of
here, after which It will be per?
fectly correct for you to assist
her to rise from the sidewalk.
Do not, however, press your at?
tentions further upon her at this
time, but after expressing the
proper regret over her misfortune
it would be well to bow and re?
?Many fatal blunders are made
by those who, ignorant of the
Language of Flowers
Fringed Gentian ? "I am
going out to get a shave.
Back at 3:30."
Poppy?"I would be proud
to be the father of your
Golden-i-od-*-*--*! hear that you
murdered Uncle Fred
Iris?-"Could you learn to love
down those blinds,
Wild Thym?tWT have seats
for the Hippodrome Sat?
of "social Inter
oourse, " go
without a d e -
tion to make
their first call
members of the
haut m o -n d e.
tooth ? pick be
sliver with a
gold with the
dinner coat or
vice versa? How
do you tell tha
host from the
should one allow
for tho host to
with a, drink Be?
fore you give up
- and take a se?
cret shot of your own? What is
a "cal? note"?
T'hese andhundreds of other
point? which give poieocmetre?
finement to those whet suffer
from hereditary uneottthnaee
or ?at! explained by Mr. Stewart*
Read this Sad Story of tht
THE! KenneTtons were young
married people. Owing to his
deep interest in foreign trade,
Jasper Kenneiton had accepted a
position in a large drygoods estab?
lishment where his duties enabled
nlm to use his modish morning
coat, unpacked since the wedding
-Amyol Kenneiton Was a charm?
ing young wife. But if there was
one thing about her which gave
n*?r husband a touch of *un?-?as'>
ness it was her occasional lack of
polish, due to her years as a
At length the Kenneltons' great
opportunity of a lifetime hovered.
would it find them unprepared?
The President of Kenneiton's
concern was looking about fer a
new seventh vice-president to.do
thrift work among the cash girls
Whose reckless living had caused
concern. Naturally he asked the
Kenneltons to dinner.
It was a gorgeous evening. As
their trolley drew near the Presi?
dent's house, young Mrs. Kennel?
ton took her husband's arm. "Oh.
Jasper," she murmured, "I feel
so nervous for fear we should not
He petted her and told her not
to worry. All she had to do was
io remember not to eat olives
with a spoon.
Dinner (pronounced de-jeun-er)
was served in the sumptuous
buffet room. Conversation lan?
guished brilliantly until, in th?
midst of the Pear a la Bourdalooe,
President Colliewood turned to
Kenneiton and asked suddenly:
"Don't you think so too, Ken?
Receiving no answer, ColUs
wood said sharply.
"I say, Kennelton, are you
heeding this conversation or are
What had happened? A very
simple, a vei-y email thing??
mere trifle, in fact. Gazing across
the table, Kennelton had been
struck dumb by the sight of
Amyol absentmindeJly pressing
back the cuticle of her dinner
partner's fingernails with the
prong of her stamped silver olive
fork. It was a mistake anyone
might make and yet how hu?
miliating and disastrous!
On the way home that night
Amyol blamed herself bitterly.
But her husband said with the
firm cheerfulness for which she
"Never mind, darling? -XMs has
taught us a lesson. We will buy
PERFECT BEHAVIOR and thus
avoid missing the chance of a
CALCULATOR OF DINNER
vftlh ??cry copy of
ReacUhe delicious Parody Outline:of Etiquette
By Donald Ogden Stewart
Author of A PARODY OUTLINE OF HISTORY
Drawings hy Ralph Button* At AU Bookshops, WM