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THE REGISTER.
PUBLISHED EVERY SATURDAY.!
ALLISON & PERKINS, PcBUSira.
IOLA, ALLEN COUNTY, KANSAS.
TERMS-TWO DOLLARS PER YKAB.
OFFICIAL PAPER OP COUHTY.
fSustitess girectonj.
NATIONAL, GOVERNMENT.
President Ulysses 8 Grant
Vice-President Henry Wilson
Chief Justice . ...Morrison tt Waite
Secretary of State Hamilton Fish
Secretary of the Treasury. ...... .... B H Bnstow
SecretaiTof War. ...Wm W Belknap
ttecretarjr of the Navy .....GeoMUobtson
Secretary of the Interior Columbus Delano
Attorney General Edwards Pierrepont
Postmaster General ...Marshall Jewell
Speaker of the House James G Blaine
Clerk or the Senate Geo C Gorham
Clerk or the House Edward McPnerson
STATE GOVERNMENT.
Governor Thomas A Osbom
Lieutenant Goremor. MJ Salter
Secretary of State.... .T II Cavanatwh
State Treasurer Samuel LamiiU
Attorney General AM F Randolph
SUte Auditor DW Wilder
Sup't Public Instruction.. .JotanFraser
COUNTY OFFICERS.
ITWTalcott District Judge
N;F Accra............. ..Probate Judge
Wm Thrasher County Treasurer
II A Xeedham, County Clerk
G SI Brown.. Register of Deeds
J II Richards,.. County Attorney
C!M Simpson, Clerk District Court
J E!Bryan. .Superintendent Public Schools
J L Woodln, Sheriff
Lyman Khoades, Surveyor
D Horville, )
A WIowland, ..... Commissioner
Isaac Bonebrake, J
CITY OFFICERS.
r.C Jones, Mayor
k Boyd, Police Judge
G W Apple,
JHlUebards, Conncllmen
W II Richards, I
C M Simpson, J
John Francis, Treasurer
W J Sapp Clerk
James Simpson, Street Commissioner
John H WOlis Marshal
CHURCHES.
.METHODIST EP18COPAT1
Corner of Jefferson avenue and Broadway St.
Scrvica etery sabbath at 10i a. m. and 7 p.m.
Prayef.eeUng Thursday evenings at 7 p. m.
ul H. K. Mcni, Pastor.
PRESBYTERIAN.
Corner Madison avenue and Western street.
Services 10)f a. ill. and 7 p.m. Sunday School at
V.'i a. ru. S. G. Clam, Pastor.
BAPTIST.
On Svcaraore street. Services every Sabbath at
10a.hi.and7p.m. l"rayer meeting on Thurs
day evening. Church meeting at 2 p. za. on
Saturday brture tlie first Sabbath in each month.
Sabbath School at 9,'a o'clock a. m.
C. T. Floyd, Pastor.
Secret Societies.
IOLA LODGE, NO. 38,
A. F. & A. Masons meets on the first
and third Saturaays in every month.
Brethren in good standing are invited
aitenu. 11. . aaiaji it . . i.
J. N. Wiinx, Sec'y.
IOLA LODGE, NO. 21,
I. O. of Oild Fol.
lows hold t heir regulai
met4inrs everv Tile
day evening, in their
ht.Il. next door north ol
the post office. Visiting
brethren in good standing, are invited to attend.
a m. simpsox, x. u
W. C. JoxEd, Sec'y. i
Hotels.
LELAND HOUSE.
BD. ALLEX, Proprietor. IOLA, Kansas.
. This house has been thoroughly repaireil
mid relltted and is now the most desirable place
in the city for travelers to stop. J'o pains will be
imred to make the guests of the Lcland feel at
home. Baggage transferred to and from Depot
free of charge. .
CITY HOTEL,
R
1CIIARD PROCTOR, Proprietor. Iola,
Kitniua. Sinirle meaU 23 cents. Day board
ers one dollar per day. 3
ttornens.
NELSON F. AOERS,
ATTORNEV AT LAW, Iola, Allen county,
Kanws Has the only full and complete set
of Abstracts of Allen county, .
FRANK W. BARTLETT,
ATTORNEY AT LAW, Iola, Kansas. Monev
. to loan on long time and at low rates on well
unproved farms in Allen county. 0
J. C. Miriiiuir. J. II. Richards,
County Attorney.
MURRAY & RICHARDS,
A TTORXEYS AND COUNSELORS AT LAW
X Money in sums from VHM 00 to .I.OJO 00
loaneil on long time upon Improved Farms in
Allen, Anderson, Woodson, and Neosho coun
ties. Physicians.
M. DeMOSS, M. D.,
OFFICE over Jno. Francis A Co.'s Drugstore
Residence on Washington avenue, 2nd door
south Neosho street.
A. J. FULTON, M. D.
L. C. P. S. Ont. Canada, graduate Jefferson
Medical College, Philadelphia, member of the
Alumni Association Jefferson College, Physician
Surgeon and Acconcher. Office and residence over
Beck's grain and feed store. IwU. Kan.
IHiscellaneous.
L. L. LOW,
'KNERAL AUCTIONEER. Iola, Kansas.
I" Cries sales in Allen and adjoining counties.
H. A. NEEDHAM,
COUNTY CLERK. Conveyancing carefully
done, and acknowledgement, taken. Maps
and plans neatly drawn. .
J. N. WHITE,
T TNDERTAKER, Madison avenue, Iola, Kan
LJ os. Wood coffins constantly on hand and
Hearse always In readiness. Metalic Burial Cases
furnished on short notice. "
H. REIMERT
TAILOR. Iola, Kansas. Scott Brother', old
stand. Clothing made to order in the latest
and lwt styles. Satisfaction guaranteed. Clean
ing and repairing done on short notice.
J. E. THORP,
BARBER SHOP on Washington avenue first
door south of L. L. Northrup.. Fuel, Prod
uce and Vegetables of all kinds taken in exchange
for work. Also, a few good second-hand Razors
for sale cheap; also a fine quality of HairOU.
D. F. GIVENS,
WATCHMAKER, JEWELER, AND CLOCK
Reiairer, at the imstoffice, IoU, Kansas.
Clocks, Watches and Jewelry, promptly and
niiiv nimirpd and warranted. A fine assort
ment of Clocks, Jewelry. Gold pens and other
xancy amcies, wuicn www vw. (
STATE OF KANSAS,
Au.cs Cocktv. )
W. C. Jones Plaintiff,
vs.
JosiahUoagland Defendant. )
Before H. II. Pulver, J. P., of Iola Township
In said County.
The alKive nimed Josiah noagland will take
notice that on the SJIh day of August, 1S73, I
sued out before the above named J. P. against
liimuUd Jiuiah lloairlandnn onlrr of attachment
for the sum of SVS.00 and that sold cause is set for
bearing seiitemiier l.m, !". ai 1 1 o-cium a. m
33 jw ' W. C. JOXES, Plaintiff.
THE IOLA REGISTER.
VOLUME IX.
AN INFLATED COCKTAIL.
Mr. Kelley's LessoH ia Fiaaaee fro:
m a
uarEeeper.
From the New York World.)
Chicago, Aug. 15. Mr. Kelley, whom
Mr. Morton does not scruple to call "a
gushing, sloppy tourist," ia out here en
deavoring to bring the people of the
Northwest to s realizing sense of the ne
cessity for an issue of more currency.
Rather an amusing and interesting oc
currence transpired during his visit
Which baa not found its way into-the
local prits, but that the JForW may
deem worthy of publication. On the
morning after his great inflation speech
Mr. Kelley felt athlrst, and walking
down into the bar of the Tremont house
bade the attendant barkeeper mix him a
whisky cocktail. While the barkeeper
was compounding the liquor, syrup,
bitters, ice and water in due proportion,
he remarked, "You're Senator Kelley,
ain't you V "I am ; but don't be afraid,
young, man, don't be afraid," affably
replied the great statesman. "I thought
yon was," said the artist in liquors ; "I
heard yon make a bully speech last
night up to Mccormick's HalL Was
that all true you told us about them
bonds, and more greenbacks, and that
other shenanigan, eh?" "True?" said
the apostle of inflation ; "of course it
was true. I am a man of principle,
young man, a man of strict principle."
"Keerect," replied the barkeeper, as he
poured the completed cocktail in an
amber arch into the glass and filled a
tumbler with water.
Mr. Kelley tasted the beverage. "See
here, Johnny," he said, "that cocktail
doesn't rise and take me by the throat as
much as it should ; I want it to be all to
me the name implies. Just make it
stronger and give it to me in a bigger
glass, will you ?"
The barkeeper promptly transferred
the contents into a water tumbler and
added about twice the quantity of water.
Mr. Kelly observed somewhat testily ;
"Hello! hello I What are you doing, eh ?
I want a bigger drink, more of a cock
tail, you know.'
The barkeeper smiled apologetically,
and, begging Mr. Kelley's pardon, emp
tied the diluted cocktail into a weiss
bierglas, which he brimmed with water.
There was an ocean of fluid faintly ting
ed with a pinkish amber, on the surface
of which floated a shred of lemon-peel.
The barkeeper pushed the glass over to
his customer, and, affably resting both
hands on the counter, asked him how
that suited him.
Mr. Kelley first rubbed his eyes and
then pinched himself, to be sure that he
was himself and awake ; then lowered
his spectacles, and inspected the bar
keeper, narrowly. "Young man," he
said at last, in his most solemn tones,
"do you call that a cocktail ?"
"Do I call thata cocktail T' he replied,
pityingly; "what'n blazes do you call
it? That's the best cocktail the world
ever saw. There's whisky in it, there's
gum in it, there Angostora bitters in it,
there's lemon peel in it, there's water in
it, there's ice in it, and don't they make a
cocktail? Besides, it's called a cocktail,
just as a dollar is called a dollar, and
don't that make it a cocktail? You can
do anything with that cocktail that you
could do with any other cocktail ; you
can drink it, yon can pay for it ; don't
that make it as good as any other cock
tail? What do you take me for?
Haven't I read your speeches?"
"But," gasped Mr. Kelley, growing
very red in the face, "there's too much
water in it."
"Too much water !" rejoined the bar
keeper. "Why, you must have so much
water in a cocktail, anyhow, mustn't
you? You get your whisky like what
you financial sharps call a reserve, and
then you issue your cocktail on that
basis. You see, you have an elastic
cocktail a cocktail that adapts itself to
the wants of a customer. If he wants a
strong drink he don't want much water ;
if he wants a long drink I'll inflate his
cocktail till its volume equals his neces
sities. I tell you I've studied up this
here financial problem."
"But, but," stammered Mr. Kelley,
"there isn't a drop more whisky all the
while, and every drop of water you add
weakens and spoils it."
"That can't be," rejoined the barkeep
er. "It's just like finance. Whisky's
wealth and cocktail's currency. If you
can expand your currency without any
increase of your wealth and do no harm,
why can't you innate this cocktail up to
a hogshead full and let all them bum
mers out in the street have a good square
nip?"
"You don't understand," replied Mr.
Kelley. "It's different in financial mat
ters. There, there is the relief afforded
by my 3.65 inconvert "
"Iknow.it, 1 know it," briskly an
swered the barkeeper; "I tell you, Mr.
Kelley, your head's level. Now, here is
my interconvertable cocktail." Thus
saying, he poured half of the contents of
the weiss-bier glass into another weiss
bier glass, then continued : "Now, this
tumbler is the bonds,. and this tnmbler
is the greenbacks. When you want a
' long drink, you pour into this tumbler
as much out of the other one as you wish
if you want a short drink, you pour
some out of this tumbler into the other
one. It's a big thing." Mr. Kelley .was
in despair. The barkeeper continued:
IOLA, ALLEiT
"You see I want to return to a whis
ky basis, but I wish to do so without in
jury to the business interests oi ine
country. Now, if you will wait till
the water evaporates and leaves the
whisky "
Here Mr. Kelly smote the counter
with his cane. "Look here," he rhout
ed, "In spite of yoUf expanding the vol
ume of that drink, and humbugging trie
with idiotic inconvertible cocktails, and
talking about returning to a whisky
basis without deranging my interests,
don't you see you howling ass, that that's
the same weak, thin, diluted, mawkish,
tasteless abominable slush, all the time ?
I want an immediate return to whisky
resumption and no steps backward."
"Keerect, Judge," replied the bar
keeper as he threw the inflated cocktail
into the sink, "we'll repudiate this, as
they always do." And he mixed anoth
er cocktail on a whisky basis. "But,"
he said, "s'pose you nadn't had another
15 cents, or that all the whisky in the
house had been in that cocktail, where'd
you have been, eh?"
Mr. Kelley smiled, and invited the
barkeeper to join him. The latter com
plied and took a little gin, syrup and
bitters. Mr. Kelley drank of his cock
tail, paid for the drinks and taking a
clove was about to depart, when an
after thought seemed to occur to him.
He turned back and said :
'-See here, Johnny you're a smart
young fellow, and T ve enjoyed your con
versation very much ; but then you see
the financial problem U a thing that
people can't exactly understand in all its
ramifications without a special education
a training, you know. Of course it
affects all people, but-jill people can't
understand it ; it isn't to their interest
that they should. If everybody knew
all about it there'd be n Kellers and
Logans and Inter-Occant and Enquirer.
It's like cocktails, you know. Every
man drinks them, but every man can't
mix them. If they could there'd be no
barkeepers. Understand? And, Johnny,
perhaps you'd better not say anything
about this little conversation of ours to
anybody. You see, perhaps, it would
hurt the business of the house, and the
proprietors don't like to have politics
discussed. Good-bye."
"So-long," remarked the barkeeper,
and, as the Judge's form vanished up the
stairway, he closed one eye respectfully,
and took three jig-steps with an expres
sion of the deepest reverence.
Did He Succeed ?
Somewhat less than forty years ago
there moved among the students of Yale
College a young man, poorly dressed, but
princely in bearing and in mind. He
was bred in the country, among humble
surroundings, but be was a gentleman
from the crown of his head to the soles
of his feet, and in every fibre of his body
and mind. Slender, tall, handsome,
with an intellectual brow, a fine voice
and a Christian spirit, he had every
possession of nature and culture neces
sary to win admiration, respect ana
affection. This man was poor; so, be
fore his educational course was com
pleted, he was obliged to leave college
and resort to teaching for a livelihood ;
but, wherever he moved, he won the
strongest personal friends. Men named
their boys after him. Women regaried
him as a model man, and the name of
Stillman A. Clemens stood in high honor
in all the little communities in which it
was known.
He was particularly fond of mechanics
and mathematics a born inventor, with
more than the ordinary culture of the
American inventor. He had an exquis
ite literary laculty, rare wit, a fine
appreciation of humor, and good con
versational powers. Indeed, he seemed
to be furnished with all desirable powers
and accomplishments except those which
were necessary to enable him to "get
on the in the world." He was born
noor. and. the other day, after a life of
dreams and disappointments, he died
poor. The brown head and beard bad
grown grey, the spare figure was bowed,
and the end of his life was accompanied
by circumstances of torture which need
not be detailed here. The life which,
for thirty years, had been an unbroken
struggle with adversity, went out and
the weary worker was at rest
The inventor's dreams were always
large. They all had "millions in them."
First, in an arrangement of centrifugal
force for the development of motive
power; then in a machine or process for
detaching the manilla fibre ; then in a
cotton press of unique construction, for
compressing cotton so completely at the
gin, that it would need no further treat
ment for shipping ; then in a flax-dressing
machine;, and last, in a rollway
which was to displace forever the present
railway system, and solve the problem
of cheap transportation. In the cotton
pressing machine he made an incidental
invention, to which he attached no
special importance, out of which others
have since made the fortune which dur
ing all his life, was denied him. He
ntrewed his way alone with ideas of
immense value to all around him. It is
not a year since he read his paper before
an association of engineers at Chicago,
exposing; in detail his roll-way invention
and it ia said that on the morning of
his death he was called upon by a cap
italist, with reference to subjecting this
COUNTY, KANSAS, SEPTEMBER 11, 1875.
invention to a practical test. It was a
magnificent project, and we hope it may
be tried, though he in whose fertile
brain it originated is -beyond the satis
faction of success and the shame of
failure.
Well, did our friend succeed, or did
he tail ? There were mean men around
him who became rich. There were sor
did men in the large community in
which his later years were spent whose
money flowed in upon them by millions.
There were brokers and speculators, and
merchants and hotel proprietors, and
manufacturers, who won more wealth
than they knew how to use, while he
was toiling for the beggarly pittance
that gave him bread, or foundering in
the new disappointments with which
each year was freighted. They "suc
ceeded," as the world would say, but let
us see what this man did. He used
every faculty he possessed for forward
ding the world's great interest. He put
all his vitality, all his ingenuity, all his
knowledge into his country's service.
The outcome is not yet, bnt the outcome
is just as sure as the sprouting of a sound
seed in good soil. The wealth he did
not win will go into the coffers of others.
He never sacrificed his manhood. He
kept himself spotless. He did not re
pent or whine. The man who saw him
in his last years found him still the
courteous Christian gentleman, bearing
his trials with patience, trusting in the
infinite goodness, accepting his discipline
with more than equanimity, and still
hopeful and persistent. He maintained
his courage and self-respect. He won
and kept his personal friends. He went
to bis grave with clean hands, and bis
soul ready for the welcome exchange of
worlds. He left behind the memory of
a character which money cannot build
and cannot buy. It was an honor to be.
affectionately associated with him. It
is a high honor to be called upon to
record the lesson of his life, and a high
duty to commend it.
Did he succeed? Yes, he did; and
the community in which rest his prec
ious remains could do itself no higher
honor than to erect over them a stone
bearing the inscription: "Here lies
Stillman A. Clemens, who died poor in
this world's goods and poor in spirit, but
rich in faith, rich in mind and heart,
rich in character and all the graces of a
Christian gentleman, and rich in the
affections of all who knew him utid were
worthy of his acquaintance."
That he wanted wealth to bestow up
on those whom he loved wedonotdoubt.
That he wauted it to prove that his
dreams were not baseless, is true, we
presume. That he dreamed of it among
his other dreams would be very natural.
The dream has come true.
' "That dream he carried In a hopeful spiri: ,
Until in death his patient ejcgreiv dim,
And the Ucdeemer called him to inherit
The haven of weil th long garnered up for him. "
"If There are Angels, I Know That Ton
Will See 'Em.
From the Detroit Free Prcs.)
Plain Tom. It might have been more
than Tom once, when he was a babe, and
had a father and mother, some one to
care for him even if they had bnt little
love for him. After they died after he
was turned out on the wide world to
fight his own way ; to hunger for food,
to yearn for sympathy and kind words,
his name was "Tom." It was name
enough for a waif, a ragged, hungry boy,
who received more kicks than pennies,
and who used to sit on the postoffice
steps and try to remember when any one
had spoken a kind word to him.
The boy sometimes wondered and
pondered over the words "sympathy,"
"mercy," and "charity." He heard peo
ple use them the same people who
cuffed him about and were content to
see him in rags. He thought the words
must mean something way off some
thing he could not grasp then, hut might
approach when he had grown to man's
estate. If Tom's voice had sadness and
sorrow in it as he cried "shine I" or if it
bad exultation as ne cried "morning
papers!" no one in the busy throng
seemed to notice or care. He realized
that he was standing up singlehanded to
battle against a great world, and some
times when the world struck him down,
the boy crept away into an alley to sor
row and grieve that he had ever been
born.
They found a bundle of rags in a pub
lic hall-way yesterday morning. The
old janitor pushed at the bundle with
his broom, and growled and muttered
over its being left there by some vagrant.
The bundle of rags was Tom. The jan
itor bent over him and pushed at him
again, and called to him to rise up and
go about his business, but the bundle
did not move. Tom was dead. One
arm was thrown around his boot-box
that it might cot be stolen while he
slumbered, the other retted on his breast
fingers tightly clenched, u if death
had come while the boy was resolving
to carry on the unequal battle against
poverty and a cold world to the bitter
end.
There should have been sadness in the
hearts of those who lifted up the body
and sent it away to be buried in the
Potter's field, but there was not They
were men, to be sure, bat they could not
understand how it made iny difference
to the world whether it had one waif
more or less. They coildn't feel the
heartaches which Tom had felt--bis des
perationhis grim despair, his bitter,
crushing, everyday sorrows. They could
have at least uncovered their heads as
the body was lifted Up, and said to each
other: "He was brave to fight such a
battle." But they did not There would
have been no word, no eulogy, had not
another waif passed the door by chance.
He saw the body, recognized it, and as
he let bis box fall to the flags that he
might brush a tear from, his eye, he
whispered : '
"If there are angels I know that Tom
will see 'em."
And no man shall dare to take from or
add to the simple, fearful eulogy. There,
will be a shallow grave which will soon
sink out of sight and memory, and
scarce a month will pass away before
even the lad's name will be forgotten by
the world the world which prides itself
on its charity and mercy, and which let
poor Tom stand up alone in his battle
for food and raiment and a place to rest
his feet, let him creep on to die alone in
the shadows of midnight, feeling in his
young heart that every man's hand was
against him because be was a waif, a
ragged, hungry orphan.
The Dismissal of MeClellaa.
From the Count de Paris' new volume.
On the 7th of November, at evening,
in a storm of snow early for that climate,
McClellan found himself under his tent
with Gen. Burnside, when a messenger
was announced from the Presideut It
was Gen. Buckingham, an officer un
known to the Army of the Potomac, who
brought an order couched in three lines,
and signed by Halleck. This order dis
missed McClellan from the command of
the army and designated Burnside as his
successor. Such a piece of news fell
with the suddenness of a thunderbolt on
these two officers, whom an old and close
friendship united ; but the latter alone
showed any emotion at the order, which
imposed on him a responsibility to which
he had never aspired. After McClellan
had read the dispatch without any. visi
ble feeling, he passed it to Burnside,
simply saying, "You command the
army." Burnside resisted for some time.
All his friends and his former chief pres
sed him to accept; they overcame his
scruples which the future was unhappily
destined to justify. On the morning of
the 8th the army of the Potomac learned
with astonishment and grief that it had
lost the chief who had formed it, who
had first led it to battle, and who had
shown it the steeples of Richmond, who
on the morrow of a great disaster had
restored it to confidence in itself, and
who at length had just conducted it to
victory. We will not here judge the
military career of Gen. McClellan. De
spite our sincerity, the reader would see
in such an appreciation the reflection of
our sentiments of profound gratitude
and of faithful friendship for our former
chief; but each can form his judgment
in accordance with the facts which we
have impartially recounted. We only
state that the authorities at Washington
took every kind of precaution to prevent
the soldiers of the Army of the Potomac
from giving to McClellan proofs of their
sympathy, which would have been too
severe a criticism of their decision, and
that the news of his departure caused
universal joy among the adversaries
whom he had so often encountered on
fields of battle.
How ifbe Won an Emperar.
A correspondent thus relates the ro
mantic way in which the Empress of
Austria captured her Emperor: The
Empress is the youngest daughter of
Duke Maximilian Joseph of Bavaria,
and sister of the ex-Queen Sophia of
Naples. Francis Joseph was to have
been affianced to the Princess Sophia, to
make acquaintance with whom he went
to make a visit to his uncle's castle of
Possenhoffen, where his four young lady
cousins had been born and brought up.
The Princess Elizabeth, then in her six
teenth year and remarkably beautiful,
was not to have been allowed to see the
young Emperor, both because on account
of her youth she was not supposed to
be "out" and also because, being much
handsomer than her sisters, the wily
Duke desired to secure his Imperial
nephew for his eldest daughter before
the former should have been allowed to
catch sight of his youngest, as he felt
very sure that the band of such a beauty
as she promised to be would be sought
far and wide when it should be in the
matrimonial market So the young lady
was told that she was to stay with her
governess, and not to presume to show
herself in the drawing-room during the
visit of the Austrian cousin. But being
lively, spirited and brimful of curiosity
to see the youthful Emperor who had so
suddenly succeeded to the troubled but
brilliant crown of Austria, the Princess
Elizabeth contrived to give her attend
ants the slip, and to hide herself in a
corrider, along which the Imperial guest
who had arrived an hour before, and was
then dressing for dinner in the rooms set
apart for his reception, would have to
pass in going to the banqueting halL
As the -young sovereign passed along
this corrider the Princess who was
watching for him, sprang out of her hiding-place,
laughing at the bucccss of her
manoeuvre, and crying gaily, "Cousin
Franz! Cousin Franz! I wauted to see
370. 37.
you and they wouldn't let me, jk I bid
myself hera to see you go" by." It ap
pears that cupid's bow, so innocently
shot oft by the merry girl, who had no
thought beyond the gratification of her
curiosity to see the grand young cousin,
whose quality as Emperor had excited
her imagination, went straight to the
mark. The young Emperor fell over
head and ears in love with the gay and
beautiful vision that had presented itself
so unaffectedly before him. What pas
sed between the two young people has
never transpired; but a. few minutes
later the Imperial guest entered the
drawing-room with his young cousin on
his arm, and presented her to the amazed
circle of relatives and courtiers who
were awaiting his appearance as "the
Empress of Austria, my engaged wife."
The anger of the elder sisters is said to
have been quite lively, as was, quite
natural under the circumstances. The
young Princess dined that day in the
banquettiug hall, seated beside the
"Cousin Franz" so suddenly metamor
phosed into her "Imperial spouse;" and
the Duke, though vexed for the disap
pointment of his eldest daughter, had at
least the satisfaction of this splendid
match secured for his youngest The
marriage took place when the Princess
had reached the mature age of sixteen,
and all her husband's subjects were en
chanted with her youthful beauty and
her remarkable grace and kindness.
A Meaagerie f Draakards.
The most foolish predicament a man
can get into is to gel drunk. In drunk
enness a man shows his strongest side
and most ardent passions. There are
six kinds of drunkards, and if you go
into a city drinking-house, where a
number of men are under the influence
of liquor, you will be sure to find these
six different characters, representing six
different animals.
The first is the ape drunk; he leaps,
and sings, and yells, and dances, making
all sorts of grimaces, and cutting up all
sorts of "monkey shines," to win the
applause of the boys. He's a stunner,
but a drunken clowu is very silly.
Next we have the tiger drunk. He
breaks the bottles, chairs, eta, and is full
of blood and thunder. His eyes are red
as fire, and his heart is full of vengeance.
After breaking everything within his
reach he often winds up with a broken
neck. Of this sort'are those who abuse
their families.
The third is the hog drunk. He rolls
in the dirt on the floor and "wollers in
the mud" in the gutters. He is heavy,
lumpish and soggy, and grunts his ac
quiescent reply when asked to take a
drink. He never misses a drink or pays
a cent.
Fourthly, we have the puppy drunlr.
He will weep for kindness and w(h)ine
his love ; hug you in his arms (and pick
your pockets if he has half a chance)
and proclaim how much he loves jou.
He swears "you're the best fellow in the
world." "Don't you forget it"
The fifth is the owl drunk. He is wise
in his own conceit No man must differ
from him, for he "will get a head put on
him." Generally speaking, when fined
by the recorder, an oily tongue gener
ally pleads in a begging on style, and he
sneaks off like a whipped spaniel.
The sixth and last of the show is the
fox drunk. He is a crafty sort of a cuss,
ready for any sort of a trade, in which
he is certain to come out best He is
sly as a fox, sneaking as a wolf, and, in
fact, the meanest drunkard of them all
Almost any night in the week some
one of the collection may be seen at the
station house. Houilon Telegraph.
Harvesting Peaaats.
Seed dug after a heavy frost isnot reli
able. If dug before frost the vines make
excellent fodder for cattle and horses,
but the nuts are better filled and heav
ier if dug a few days after frost To dig
the nuts, use a one-horse "Dixie plow,"
with peanut blade attached. We run
plow deep enough under the plant, so as
not to cut off the nuts say five inches
deep, using two horses to plow and run
one on each side of the row. We let a
hand follow, lifting the vines and shak
ing the dirt off. Each hand can shake
two rows. We throw the vines into
heaps as we shake them, placing them
carefully one on top of the other for con
venience in shocking. Six rows will
make a shock row. In the shock, row we
drive stakes, seven feet long, sharpened
at both ends, and put the stakes down
firmly, laying a fence rail on each side
of the stakes. A stick of cord wood will
make three blocks for the rails to rest on.
A twelve-foot rail, or pole, is long enough
for four shocks. Shocks should not
touch each other. We let the hand that
shocks them, shake the vine again as be
puts them up, round and round the stick
as high as he can reach, settling them
well down, and putting on a cap of straw
or bay (hay is the best). As much as
possible the nuts should go next to the
stick, and the vines should be so put on
the shock as to shield the nut from snn,
and rain. In about four weeks after dig
ging, the nuts will be cured enough for
hand-picking. Cor. Country Gentleman.
A Canadian girl loved a big booby so
hard that she wrote him eight letters a
day, and now she has to sue him for
breach of promise.
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AtusOft A Peskixs.
What a MM wht was With Saeraua
HeataArt
Re was a rough, farmer-like looking;
man, with a scar on his face and a limp
in his walk. He sat on a barrel oa the
levee, and was reading a newspaper. In
the paper was an article front the Vicks
burg Herald entitled, "How he felt," and
this at tide the rough, farmer-like look
ing man had been reading. He studied
it intently, and when he had finished
threw down his paper, slapped his thigh
and remarked vigorously : "Them's my
sentiments I That feller that said this
American Union is just the biggest thing
agoin', and that North and South shud
jine in an' forget old scores, and run this
round world to suit themselves wuz
sound. He wuz sound and might have
said more. He might have said that if it
wasn't for the blasted carpet-bagera that
went there after plunder, an' the old
never-say-die fire-eaters who gave the
carpet-bagers a shadow of an excuse for
their doin's, an' the politicians and one
sided newspapers of the North and South
exageratin things, we'd all been good
friends long afore this. That's what's
the matter 1'-'
Then the rough-looking old fdloW
limped about for a few moments, getting
more and more excited, finally breaking
out again :
"He might have said that the way to
become good friends again wuz jest to
act nat'ral. It wuz too much fussin' and
fixin and talkin' about bein' friends that
made us waste years like a pack of darned
fools ! He an' I cud hev talked the thing
over an' hed it all straight in half an
hour; we'd just fit our battles over agin
an' each would have admitted tothers
pluck, cos each on us had a taste o' teth
er's style in the war, an' then we'd shook
hands an' been all hunky I . But, no ! the
blasted politicians wouldn't let us do it,
an' then the newspapers they took sides
an' lied agin each other, an' one side said
there wasn't any Ku Klux, an' tother
said their was't any thievin' carpet-baggers,
an' both lied about the other, an' so
they fout the thing over again without
any object but to make bad feelin's, drat
em! An all the while Johnny an' I
wanted to be good friends again !"
Then the farmer-like man stopped for
breath but only for a moment
"I fit with Sherman' an' I fit on prin
ciple ! I marched ter ther sea with old
Pap Tecumseh,' an' I wuz in airnest
But when it was ended I hung up the
old gun, an' I don't want ter take it down
again until I stan' shoulder ter shoulder
with the butternuts, makin' it hot for
any furrin power that doesn't think the
old stars an' stripes is purty 1 I know
what a Butternut is, an he's jest Rich
another feller as I am, an' together wo
are a full team with a yaller dog under
the wagon. Oh we couldn't just prance
up to Mexico or Canada, or any other
place? Oh no!"
Then the old fellow picked up his pa
per and tucked it in his pocket, chuck
ling as he walked off :
"I'd like to meet that Vicksbnrg feller,
an' grip him onst by the fist He's a
hoss, and he's got the idea. He's a
Johnny ter help a feller keep down the
darned trouble-making politicians! We
got the upper hand of 'em now, blast
'em! Bunker Hillhelped.an'somegood
square talk helped, and the Centennial
show'll finish the thing ! An' then per
haps Johnny an' me won't just make
Rome howl T Oh, no!"
The Seneca and Texas butter trade is
developing into quite an extensive traf
fic. L. Cohen has shipped two more
large invoices; and the only trouble is
there is not enough butter in the market
to supply the demand. Seneca Courier.
There it is again. No trouble about
currency up there to do the business, but
not enough butter in the market to equal
the demand. That's what's the matter.
There is plenty of currency everywhere,"
from the Atlantic to the Pacific, to do
the business, but there is a lack of pro
duction. No more irredeemable promises
to pay but more butter that's what's
needed in Seneca and Seneca is a good
sample of the country. Laurence Journal.
-While stopping over night at a f a,rm
house out West, a traveler was astonished
to see his hostess walk up to her husband
about every fifteen minutes and box hU
ears or give his hair a pull. In the
morning the guest, seeing the woman
alone,- asked an explanation of her
strange conduct, and her reply was:
"You see, stranger, me and the old man
has been fighting for ten years to see who
shall boas this 'ere ranch, and I have
jest got him cowed, but if I should let
up on him for a day he would turn oa
me again, and my work would all bo
for nothing."
A shopkeeper purchased of an Irish
woman a quantity of butter, the Iumpa
of which, intended for pounds, he
weighed in the balance and found want
ing. "Shure its yer own fault, sir; for
wasn't it with a pound of your owa soaj
I bought here myself that I weighed
them with T" The shopkeeper had noth
ing more to say.
When Andrew Johnson was Governor
of Tennessee, an ex-blacksmith was Chief
Justice of the Supreme Coart, and the
Governor with his owa hands made a
vest for the Chief Justice, while the
Chief Justice went to a forge and made
a shovel and tongues to present to the
Governor.
iOW
6 So
8 30!
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