Newspaper Page Text
EVENING LEDGE.PTTTT;ArTnrPTTTA SATURDAY, MARCH 25, 19'IG
WAR TO A COUNTRY IS LIKE LAWSUITS TO A BUSINESS MAN,"
And Nine Times Out
0f Ten," He Adds, "it
Don't Make No Dif
ference if He Wins or
Loses, He Is Broke
fli'rsky and Zapp Arc Discuas-
$ fag the rros ana uuns 01
i Warning Americans Off
Armed Liners, and When the
I jitter Takes a Fling at Con
l '.. Birsky Indignantly
i Says "You Are Like a Wholo
;Lot of People, xou Arc Al
ways Willing to Abuse a
SAYS ZAPP, "THEY EAT HIM UP MIT EXPENSES, Y UNDERSTAND"
By MONTAGUE GLASS ::: ... ... : ... T11iisf.rni.mns hv prthhs
W W tf AAVXUW
ELL, you got to give them fel
led credit," Louis Birsky, tho
jcal cstatcr, said the dny before tho
McLtmore resolution was tabled.
They ain't throwing no bluffs, Zapp.
They're scared to death nnd they nd-
:it it Their idea is that if Germany
lills any more Americans that Ger
man? would go to war with us,
fytodcrgtnnd, so Senator Gore nnd
f this hero McLemon wants to make a
notion that if Germany kills any
Hiore Americans it should be reckon
ed as suicide and not murder, and if
'the policy ain't been in force one year,
understand mo, tho insurance com?
panjr wouldn't got to pay."
"The insurance companies owns
them fellers, Harnett Zapp, the
waist manufacturer, commented.
"Tho insurance companies is got
nothing' to do with it, Zapp," Birsky
retorted. "You arc like a whole lot of
people, Zapp. You arc alwnys will-
fin? to abuse a Senator. You should
AllTTL. 1L s jVa ln AnwAtill wvT n nnq
about them fellers. They're honest,
even if they would bo cowards. Not
that I don't think them poor Schle-
Knitls is right, at that. Why should
He wnoie country go to war just do
whs a couple of Americans gets
"A couplo ain't much," Zapp
igreed, "aber how many Americans
is Germany entitled to kill before we
et mad enough to flght?"
She ain't told us yet," Birsky
Hio intn't told us?" Zapp in
"Germany," Birsky roplied. 3
"kitt why should- Germany tell
n?" Vrt. ntrlmA HAitt- AmAfnn n
blg'enoqch 'country to leiow what to
cowiinout asKing uermany nrstr-
t Seemingly not," Birsky replied.
That's .the whole trouble between
Mr. "Wilson and Congress, Zapp. Mr.
Wilson claims like you do, that
(America should act according to
American law, and Congress says wo
lupoid act according to German law
wucn Germany makes since the war
"Well, what are we anyway," Zapp
asked, "Americans or Germans?"
irW ra Jim litJlfi &tf
"So that they, could walk around looking like they'd come down with
"Really and truly, wo nro Ameri
cans with a handful of Germans,"
"Then it seems to me that the Ger
mans in Congress is making an awful
Geachrei for only a handful," Zapp
"Sure, I know," Birsky replied,
"but the German element in Congress
is like saffron in the soup, Zapp. A
little pinch, y'understand, will turn
a wholo gallon yellow. In fact, Zapp,
tho way some Congressmen is be
having, you would think that if
America goes to work and gets an
American ship sunk on her by Ger
many and there happens to be a cou
ple German-Americans drowned on
it, y'understand, Milwaukee, Hobo
ken, St. Louis, Cincinnati nnd the
Hamburg and Knickerbocker avenue
sections of tho Brooklyn "L" would
declare war on tho United States.
Furthermore, if there's some Irish
men sunk on the same boat, Senator
O'Gorman would give up his Amer
ican citizenship and become a natu
ralized Milwaukeean, while if Gott
soil hueten an Italioner or so would
be killed, y'understand, Mulberry
Bend wouldn't even bother to call
corpse of flying machines would be
gin dropping on the Fifth avenue re
tail district bombs filled with garlic,
salami, Parmesan cheese, tablo dote
red wine and other strong Italian ex
plosives. I tell you, Zapp, when it
comes to this here German subma
rine proposition, the United States of
America ain't no more united than
the United Cigar Stores of America
would be if iti salesmen was inviting
its competitors to walk right in and
help themselves to the stock, in par
ticular tho choice pcrfectos; because
them Americans which has got busi
ness important enough to make them
risk a trip to Europe in these times
is the best stock of tho country. Take
A. G. Vnnderbilt, Charles Frohman
and Lindon Bates, and a lot of other
Americans who went down on the
Lusitania, and they were perfectos
and invinciblcs worth a couplo of
thousand such stogies and rough
smokers as we got in Congress today,
"That's all right, too, Birsky,"
Zapp commented. "You can call Con
gressmen saffron, stogies and any
other vegetable from lemons to on
ions, Birsky, aber if they can keep
fled. War to a country is like law
suits to a business man, Birsky. They
eat him up mit expenses, y'under
stand, nnd nino times out of ten it
don't make no difference if ho wins
or loses, ho is broke anyhow."
"Did I say ho wasn't?" Birsky con
tinued. "But If a business man lets
it bo known that ho would do any
thing rather thnn go into a lawsuit,
y'understand, his customers would
claim shortages before they unpack
the goods; his traveling snlesmen
would sell his samples on him; his
bookkeeper would take tnxicab rides
mit tho petty cash; his competitors
would steal his designs; his foreman
would pad the payroll, and finally,
when it is seen that he wouldn't do
nothing about it, the small fry gets
busy. One of the buttonhole makers
claims nn unlawful discharge and
sues him in a Municipal Court that
the boss hired him for a term of one
year at $12 a week in front of two
disinterested witnesses with a 25 per
cent, interest in the verdict. When
the foreman gets flred he brings a
$5000 action for libel on account of
being called n dirty crook, nnd also
nct3 as witness in three $10,000 suits
against tho bos3 by operators which
alleges personal injuries from falling
downstairs and they got no difficulty
in proving thnt the stairs was de
fective on account they made 'cm so
with a hotchet the day before the ac
cident And thnt's the way it goes,
Zapp. Nobody has got so many law
suits as a business man who would do
anything to avoid a lawsuit. And if
a feller claims to be long-suffering,
Zapp, there's plenty people would
oblige him that way."
you ever hear
back her Ambassador before her America out of this war I am satis
"TMD you ever hear tho like,
-' Zapp?" Louis Birsky exejaim
cd, tho morning after tho McLemorc
resolution was tabled. "Wo must got
to go to war because a couple dudes
in New York nin't satisfied to buy
their clothes where their fathers
made their money, y'understand, but
must take a trip over to London nnd
buy English clothes, so that they
could walk around looking like they'd
come down with Bright's diseaso tho
day after the last fitting and lost 25
pounds weight before tho suit was
delivered. Honestly, Zapp, it's a
Mitzvah to submarine such fellers,
and ths hero McLemon, instead of
warning them not to travel on Eng
lish boats, should havo requested
them to do so as a favor to their
families and tho Now York custom
tailoring business. Senator O'Gor
man was right, Zapp. Wc are living
in America, not England."
".riocr I thought you said the day
before yesterday that O'Gorman
thought this was Ireland instead of
America," Zapp said. "Evidencely
you changed your mind, Birsky."
"Supposing I did," Birsky retorted,
"a feller which claims ho never
changes his mind might just so well
boast that he never changes his
"Scrambled oats which was swept up from tho decks."
collar, Zapp. I ain't like some people
which never read nothing but the
letters in their morning mail, Zapp.
I open once in a while n newspaper,
Zapp, and when I read the speeches
which some of them Congressmen
made it, I admit I am mistaken in
them fellers. They know whnt they
are talking about, Zapp, and why
should I go to work and put myself
in a position where some one is liable
to schonck me a gallon or so of
liquid fire? Maybe you like such
things, Zapp. Might you would en
joy sitting in a trench somewhercs
around Coney Island and with
nothing but the United States Navy,
such as it is, between you and a
couple million German soldiers carry
ing bombs, and the things inside of
them bombs that's going to hurt you
least is sulphuric acid and red hot
"Listen, Birsky," Zapp reassured
him; "them fellers in Congress is
"Sure, I know alarmists 1" Birsky
said. "You can say thnt! You've
got a floating kidney nnd gall stones,
Zapp, but everybody ain't so lucky as
you. I got examined for additional
insuranco in the I. O. M. A. last
week, and the doctor said I would
pass for 10 years younger thnn I am.
Oo-ce! My poor wife I"
"What arc you talking nonsense,
Birsky?" Zapp said. "If the worser
comes to tho worst, they wouldn't
take you for a soldier. You are too
"What do you mean too old?"
Birsky retorted. "At my ago Napo
leon Bonaparte sclig was fighting tho
battle of Waterloo nobich, nnd Gen
eral Grant olav hasholom was older
yet when he had his troubles in 18G1.
So whnt show do I stand?"
"Schmoocs, Birsky!" Zapp said.
"Right now you could be as strong
nnd healthy as Jeff Willnrd even, and
long before the United States goes to
war your friends would bo sitting
around your front parlor, and some
of 'em says you left a mil and others
says you didn't, nnd anyhow tho
estate was eaten up by the doctors'
bills from such a lingering sickness.
There's more expensive way3 of dy
ing than in the trenches, Birsky. But,
anyhow, Birsky, if wo should go,t to
go to war nnd -we needed it men so
badly that they asked an alter Bochcr
like you to Tight, y'understnna, you
wouldn't bo talking this way. You
would want to figh't. It's like if you
and mo was arguing whether chnm
payner wino is good for the human
body, y'understand, you would tell
me it is poison already; aber if I was
to say to you, 'Come, Birsky, we will
drink a bottle champayner wine to
gether,' tho chances is that a feller
which makes a god out of his stom
ach the way you do would get away
with a couple quarts at my expense,
even if you would got from it
Magerbetehwerden for a month af-s
Birsky flipped tho fingers of both
"For all tho stomach trouble people
would get from you blowing 'em to
champayner wine, Zapp," ho said,
"tho soda mint manufacturers might
just so well go into tho ammunition
business and be dono with it."
"Well, thcro you got tho wholo
thing in a nutshell," declared Zapp,
who wns beginning to think ho had
gone a little too far in tho statement
of his hypothetical case. Ho there
foro changed tho conversation. "Tho
trouble with Americans is not that
they shouldn't ought to travel ncrosd
tho ocean, but that they shouldn't
ought to manufacture ammunition
for them fellers in Europe; and It
don't make no diffcrenco that Con
gress couldn't pass a law to prevent
'cm from doing it; Amcricnns should
ought to bo decent enough to stop it
without being told."
"Why should they stop it?" Birsky
said. "They ain't doing no harm."
"What do you mean they nin't
doing no harm?" Zapp asked.
"Why, you take a feller which used
to wa3 in tho art needlework busi
ness and is now manufacturing shrap
nel, y'undcrstnnd," Birsky explained,
"and when they Are ono of his bomba
somewhercs in France, and It bursta
over tho 1st Brnndenburger Schuctzen
Corpse, tho chances 13 a hundred to
one that nothing drops out of It but
two and six-twelfth dozen dotted
Swiss doolies that the feller has had
on hand since 1902 and couldn't dis
pose of otherwise. It's the same wny
with ty breakfast food manufacturer
which is now making up 13-inch
shells. Tho English superdrcad
nought Lord Rothschild fires a wholo
broadside of them shells at tho Ger
man battle cruiser Prinz Wilhelm
Franz Hcinrich August II, y'under
stand, and not only there ain't a Ger
man sailor wounded, y'understand,
but for the rest of the war them poor
fellows is living on scrambled oats
which was swept up from tho decks
tho day after the battle, and which
tho breakfast - food manufacturer
tried his best and couldn't even giyo
away in every pure food show from
Eastport, Me., to San Diego after an
advertising campaign costing $100,
000." "Then if that's the kind of bombs
they're using in this war, Birsky,"
Zapp said, "why should you worry?"
"I'm speaking from American
bombs," Birsky snid. "German bombs
is different, Zapp. When a Zeppeliner
drops ono of them bombs on a babies'
hospital in mistake for a dockyard,
Zapp, he's confident thnt it was mada
back homt in Germany by a regular
bombmakcr, and not a feller which
used to was in the ladies' neckwear
manufacturing and couldn't make a
success of it. Because, you can say
what you please about tho Germans,
Zapp, commercially speaking, they're
as honest as tho day."
37,000 o' Them!
bmitn s Jxainibow Club
A Blue-cycd Violet
WHAT DOES "ANSWER" MEAN?
Horn. nutijMnM r ii,ni.A mna iifln hnv fitifl Tin li ml n father who
Ras very fond of him, because ho did not have a father when ho was a
lllttlo Km. Wll !. .... , t.,n. niitno nnil an hn fluid to his son. "I
Go going away and if I write a letter to you, will you answer it?"
rapa, what does 'answer' mean r asKctt tne son.
"It men ftn nnpnlf nr writo in return.' " renlled the father. "If I send
pw a letter, you must sond me' one In return."
STes; I'll do that," said the boy.
f Theri! nrn mnnv Vlnrta nf nnnivprn. but the best answer of all Is the Soft
Drawer, which Btops nil discussion stops all quarreling.
E Thero is nothing you can do in school which is more important than
ANSWERING. When tho teacher speaks, you must answer. When ques
y?ns are asked in examinations, you must ANSWER them.
R liie point about answering Is to THINK, oeiore you answer.
I rino ,v n.- .- it-: t.,,t . .lnV. la if vnii follow tlipsn tnlks and
H "w 1110 !; ulJo uuum uu. v. -, - ,,- .-..-
Pur stories, nim uimworino- h miestions. vou will learn to ANSWER not only
EaWdy, but ACCURATELY,
W)h- It is not always, wise to say the first thing that pops into your head,
B?t to think twice before answering once. For instance, one of your editor's
Itet aiiPflftnno . "ta,r .! Air in n hole three feet sauare?" Of course.
wrs is NO dirt in a hole.
m Somewhere in our wonderful make-up there Is what is caiiea an iw
PULSE, and you may be sure he IS an IMP-ulse, so be careful to control
fviw unpuises wnen you answer, otuay uik wum iu c.;..uw um, ..
MP ig a rascal and that your PULSE tells you how your heart is working.
K-i. am going to ask you to answer my question; vo yu wmfc mo w yut.
Jfctore in this paper? I want to see how YOU answer ME.
Children's Editor, Evening Ledger.
PICTURE STORIES PROM RAINBOW PENS
f?esr .- PurAaune
Our Po.stnfflce Box
Ewrmore little KlrU answered the "ap-
l2 tn little girls' clothing which ap
KiK61 a recent Issue of the Evbnino
JPb. They are Esther Dinsmore
MUu avenue; Mamie Qreensteln. Wal-
J'treet, Isabel Troxlll, Burlington, N.
W Dorothy Cole, Norwood street,
ftlZlATltrrarn 1 r il 1. . Uaoa lit-
WtiStft -Many Hiuuaa w uww
KslQlks whose generous hearts are bo
icr neiD out"
tWMrerrs Plav" la the name of a very
fitfiHtlno. onM. ....iu .... nm fha
- . w-wJT WtUWl MUl9 w,m ,
WIS Marie RDrhallar nfH9 3t Tu-JMlUDl
ES'. "A Dutch 3oy" U the subject of a
KE3" by A Dorazewskl which 13 apt to
KJJ sjwruy In the art gallery Two
SKiera. Augustlna and Oiga uoccia,
lu Franklin street, are constant,
11AVS &hrn nnfiR
If TO!! Want tu mnrn mnna nftt
Nl twl mi SwUurUayn, wrlto ijt
"'' emit!:. '
The Sweet Land
Br ELBANOn aniNNAN, I
Once there was a little girl named Lily.
One night she was sitting on a chair when
suddenly she found herself wandering be-
side a lake and a
small goblin, dressed
in green aqd red.
carried her off to a
palace called the
She walked up the
stairs of striped pep
perralnts; she found
her way into a small
bedroom Thero were
with sugar babies in
them. The King that
lived in the palace
was dressed In a
brown robe made of
GLEANOlt OR1NNAN molasses candy He
! (the King) was very angry at Lily, for
she was bltlns off the heads pf the
sugar babies, and she was rather rude
for, she bit off th,e King s head! The candy
people a)l ran toward her nd Just then
ehe woke uj?i
. . r r.N fi$ Vtf
$llj&) r Hr" (dffl "N
MMHtv rjagft .LCfeS
I ' " - rr-nyj --. n- -
Ja 1 X I jfA T?
fJ U a ..-.- w$7 j
. J I "H iVH2?r-T .T-.x- I r I
nt. w ., .?r&f , I, nr v. I , ., I
B ii ." BW W 'l.ifjy.. "
uf&azt v- v :'.&' "iMff
gga i 9 Y
SATUEDAY EVENING SMILES
No Wonder He Knew ''Who made you?" asked a teacher of a bigtc
who had lately joined her class, "I don't know," said he. "Don't know!" si
exclaimed. "You ought to bo ashamed of yourself, a boy 12 years old. Whn
thero is little Johnny Jones ho is only three he can tell, I know. Comfc
here, Johnny; who made you?" "God made me," answered tho infant,
"Thero," said the teacher triumphantly, "I knew ho would remember it."
"Well, ho oughter," snid tho stupid boy, " 'tain't but a little while since he
No Heaven for Him "Mama," said little Mary, "will you go to heaven
when you dje?" "Yes, Mary dear,'1 answered mother, "I hope so." "Well,"
continued Mnry, "I hope I'll go or you'll be lonesome." "Yes," said mother,
"and I hope papa will go, too." "Oh,- no, papa can't go," added the little girl
wisely; "why, ho can't leave the store!"
Mother's "Job" Mother punished Dicky one day for being naughty, and
all day long he remained very quiet, as though waiting for something. When
his father came home he ran to him and cried: "Daddy, I want you to do
somfm for me; please, please discharge mama,"
Tn a. ft.ii. fru' -e VOUT
I wish to become a member of your
Italnbow Club. Please send me a beau
tiful i Italnbow Button free. I agree
to DO A LITTLE KINDNESS EACH
AND EVERY DAY SPREAD A
LITTLE SUNSHINE ALL ALONG
School I attend .....................
Things to Enow and Do
1. Write a Goodnight Talk that you
would like to see published.
2. Why is n. nobleman like a book?
(Sent in by Eleanor Koc-ns. Wynnewood).
S. Build as many words a you can
The New Member
By JACK BURQESS. Cedar avtnua.
Little George Walker went out of the
house to play. He was quite happy and
he ought to have been happy, for he had
Just received his Rainbow Club button.
He had It on the lapel of his coat, and
as he started down the street a big boy
came walking toward him.
"What's that button, boyl" he asked,
looking at the Rainbow button. "It's a
Farmer Smith's Rainbow Club button,"
replied Georgle. "Do you get the Evenuio
"Yes, my father buys it," replied the
boy. "I think I remember reading about
"Would you like to loin it?" asked
Georgia. The boy aejUiatedl a moment and
then, said: "Why, them areiv't any boys
u big, as in r, ftwU "Hpir old are
'HONOR ROLL CONTEST
The foUowing children won prliee for
answering- the (mentions of "Things to
Know and Do" for the week endlnr
March 18 1
Dorothy Halnea, North Sth street,
Irvine Woodward, Muagrave atreet,
Marguerite . Larkln, North llromd
street, X5 cents.
Althta llacburir, Telford, 1., tS
Ueule Waltber, North 31th street,
Anna IlarbUon, Gloucester, N. J.,
you, twelve r" said Georgia. "Yes," said
Georgle cave him the membership hlank-
jtnd he joined.
Farmer Smith's Duck Book
Dottie Duckling Sees a Boy
YOU see, Dottle Duckling had not been
in this world very long, and one day as
she was toddling toward the Big Pond
she saw the funniest looking thing she
had ever seen and she ran to her mother
"Oh, mother, come! I saw the funniest
"What was it like?" asked the good
Our Pet Column
"Well, Jt had two feet, just like me, but
It had no web on thera and it was aH
covered with something not feathers,
and It had a bill. Just as I have, and a.
hole under the bill and two funny things
on each side of Its head, and its wings
hadn't any feathers on them, and "
"I guess you must have seen a Uttlo
boy," answered the good mother.
"And what IS a boyr asked Dottle,
"Why, a boy is a boy," said lira Duck.
"I don't know what else to call him. You
are a duck and that is all. you're
you're Just a duck and not a boy and a
boy Is not a duck. Besides, a boy can
talk and you can only quack,"
"Oh! I see." Bald Dottle.
"No, you don't see," said her mother.
"There are lots and lots of people who
don't know what a boy is and there are
lots and lota, of poople who do not know
what a duek is. We hae to call things
by name so we will know rhat we are
talking about " '
"Oh1" waa all Dottle could say for a
few minutes and then she asked: "Da
boys grow on trees?"
"My dear, you must not ask so jnany
questions. Ynu will only be- allowed to
ask one question every day after thh?
"Well, mother, my question for to4ayi
my ONE question is. Are those feaffc
on that little boy's head?"
"No," answered Mrs. Duck, "That J
Mother, what la halrf
This Is Jfamea, tho vt.ry tnUUizont uroo- But that wau toa much for Mm Dm.
ertyf AngeJo and Francis Mal.-indra, ot j bo she toddled quMSy a. way ta tbe Bi -