Newspaper Page Text
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Some folks oan put
two and two together
with satisfactory re
sults. Others put
them together and
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"What was the reason Yelper,
tenor, failed in his solo last night
"He -was singing *A Life on the Ocean
Wave* and was stranded when he struck
the high C."
Tied and abused, especially If he has succeeded by Irritating: persistence.
Our conception of a
man about town, as
formed by reading
stories In the Smart
Set and other high
life periodicals, Is that
he Is a person who
eats broiled lobsters
eight or nine times a
On the stage, all vil
lains have black mus
taches and smoke oig
urets. In" real life we
have been skinned
several times by
itraw-haired men who
were smoothfaced and
smoked pipes. x-
No. "We have heard
(t argued that woman
dresses to please her
husband, to please
other men and to out
lo her sisters, but that
la not the truth. She
generally dresses to
When we meet a
young lawyer who
parts his hair on the
side, wears turn down
collars and wrinkled
clothes, and is culti
vating a beard, we
know that he has a
well thumbed copy of
the life of Lincoln and
that he regrets that
he oannot read Black
Stone by the light of
a pine knot.
It is more unlucky
to be successful than
to be handsome or to
Inherit wealth. The
suocessf ul man Is the
only one who Is en-
Lay aside your life-among-the-lowly novel for a moment, and reflect that there) doubt-
less are quite a number of women who do not take In washing simply to eke out a miser-
able existence. Taking in washing is getting to be quite a profitable trade nowadays.
Let This Be a Lesson.
Once there was a Foolish Woman who went Shopping for a Hat.
In the Store she chanced to see a Woman of Great Wealtha leader In the Real TTpty-
This Is my Chance," the Foolish Woman whispered to Herself. I will Watch what
she Buys, and then I'll know What to get for Myself."
Bo she Kept on the Trail of the Society Leader, and was Filled with Joy when the Trail
led to the Millinery Department
There the Society Leader picked out an Ornate Confection and ordered it Sent to
After she had Qone, the Foolish Woman stepped up to the Saleslady and murmured:
Send me a Hat just like the One you sold to Mrs. Bondcutter."
She wore the Hat with Unseemly Pride until she Chanced to Learn that Mrs. Bond-
cutter had purchased the Other One as a Present for her Cook.
Moral i Get onto the Game before you Pick a Pacemaker.
After a desperate effort to carry the ball around the end, our hero is Jammed Into the
ground and otherwise done up by the members of the opposing team.
Finally he is placed on a stretcher to be oarried from the field.
Opening his eyes, he gazes weakly at the grandstand, where Violet sat-
Right here, dear reader, Is where the average football story makes dear little Violet-
s' i r_ r* wave hie college colore vigor-
Little Henry's Slate. s$3rl5?\.
The crowd surrounding the balky animal opens somewhat when the man who looks
as though he knew horseflesh asks what la the matter.
This mare of mine has balked," explains the owner of the rig,
to go in any direction."
Have you tried to back her?" asks the stranger.
Why, I never thought of that," answers the driver, getting down and taking a plug
of tobacco from his pocket. He holds it to the animal's nose and at OHM it at&rta down
with that self-possession which marks the man of perfect poise, the hwsey man turns
and goes away smiling as though in pity of the ignorance of the others.
Somebody asks: What has become of the cook who used to light the Are with kero-
sene?" De mortuis nil nisi bonum, as Pliny remarked.
6\ Alas! Reality and literature
do not go hand In hand.
Our hero sees that Violet la
cheering madly the tackle who
pulled his right ear some two
feet Into the atmosphere.
Groaning, he shuts his eyes
BSSIWSII1^BSSSSWIS1BIMB^B1B1SMSSWB^BP ogy to two more anxious lnqulr
ers. Last week, while the regu
lar editor of the department of
answers to inquiries was down
lu bed with the gout, his work was handled by a stranger who came In and wanted to
earn eufflcient money to pay his carfare to Indianapolis. Among the queries he wrote re-
plies for, were one from Busy Housewife and one from Claribel." Busy House-
wife asked for a good recipe for tomato catsup and Claribel" wanted Information as
to the best method of removing freckles. We have striven vainly to Imagine Claribel's
surprise when Bhe found that she was told to take forty large, firm tomatoes, boil them,
rub them through a colander, let .them simmer with two fine white onions, add certain
spices and a quantity of vinegar and put away for use. Claribel" will And this dress-
ing of but little avail in the treatment of freckles, nor will Busy Housewife get a very
good quality of catsup out of two ounces tincture of bensoin, one drop carbolic acid, four
ounces rose water, and one or two other things which she was urged to spread on her faoe
at night. But if Claribel ever wants to make catsup or if Busy Housewife ever desires to
remove her freckles they may transfer these recipes from their toilet to their cook books
and vice versa, respectively. We are sorry this has happened, but mistakes are bound to
ocour onoe in a while. We have not suffered such regret, however, since the time we con-
fused a request for a good hair tonlo with an inquiry as to the constituent parts of shoe
blacking and as a result compelled one of our oldest subscribers to buy a wig to bide the
glossy black polish of his bald head.From the Happy Home Magazine.
Differ en Hating.
ptr,~ *yo the man with the fat black mustache and t!he fat black cigar beneath it,
entering tfoo offloe of the editor, I have come to give you a call down for putting It in
yiur paper that I am working a graft in my contracts with the city."
You can give me all the call downs you like," answers the Intrepid editor, a flush of
iDdlgnatlon mantling his high, white brow. I shall not retract one word I have written
of you. The faets are easily proven. Tou have literally stolen half the money you have
But great guns, cull, that isn't graftl"
If it isn't graft I'd like to know what it ir*
"That's a grab, son that's a grab."
A Disguised Hint.
noaiceooe is the
power to conceal
what you don't
we an apol-
I can't get her
I red I nk
QUITE A HELP.
Papa says he likes to hear me play your accom
paniments. He usually sits In the next room, you know.''
"Then he admires our music
In a way. He says I always play so loud It
drowns yonr voice."
Her hair was purest gold, he said,
Her voice was silver clearj
Her eyes were radium to htm
Whenever he was near.
He married herand does not seem
o see or understand
That it was certain he would he
Ruled with an iron hand.
The Top o' Morriin'. 'By Wi D. JVesbit.
OUT OF THE MONTHS OF BABES.
When I was your age," says the man
to his little son, I was the best be
haved, boy in town. My parents would
not allow me to play in the street, they
made me keep my face washed and my
hair combed they compelled me to be
well mannered at all times, and I was
sent to bed early every night and awak
ened early the next morning. My pa
rents trained me to be a model, obe
dient, polite boy. Why can't you be
like was at your age?"
But, papa," answers the lad, what
would be the use? It doesn't aeem to
have dons any good in your case."
Why la tt that a wise suggestion from
a foolish man never gets the attention
given to a foolish proposition by a
There always seems to be a great deal oi ckatter wLerever Mr. Dubll sits,
yet lie hardly gets in a word edgewise."
Yes, everybody talks at once so he'll not get a chance to tell any of his
Tea," said the envoy to the chieftain of the savage tribe on the newly discovered
island, I have come to bring to you from my country the blessings of civilization. We
are going to give you all that is best in our mode of life."
I've been listening to some stories of the way things are going on In your country,"
remarks the chieftain, and from what I can learn It will not work any deprivation on It
to give me the best that is In civilization. It seems that none of that is being used there
Jlrs. Nexdore," said the neighbor, in an apolegetlc way, I am not a woman to carry
tales nor to interfere in family affairs, but I feel that it is my duty to inform you that
several people have seen your husband making love to your cook."
I know It," says Mrs. Nexdore, in the calm, even tones of one who has steeled her-
self against the worst. I know it But that is the only way we can Induce her to1
There Is a joyous thought for the housekeeper In the Idea that there are some cooks
who find It as hard to keep a place as it is for some women to keep a cook.
Are you sure we can afford to buy this place?**
"Yes, but we can't afford to let our creditors know we
are going to buy it."
Making a Show.
Yes," says' the affable theatrical manager, our next production is to be something
really wonderful in the way of a comic opera."
"Got something new?" asks the interviewer.
"Yes, indeed. I have engaged Drillem Daily, the famous stage manager, to devise
the evolutions and groupings of the chorus I have retained Cuttan Fittem, the cele-
brated costumer, to plan and prepare the garments worn by the principals and the ononis,
and have engaged Redder Yaller, the renowned scenic artlBt, to execute the stage set-
tings. Can you beat that?" \_ ,H
"But who are to write the music and the libretto?"
Huh I Haven't got around to that yet"
"PoohI" sneers the brutal husband.
You talk of the worries add weari
ness of shopping for new hats, and you
Fret about the ugliness of the things
when you buy them, as if that were
something terrible. If you had to dig
up the money to pay for them, as I do,
you might have room to talk."
But, my dear," expostulates the pa
tient wife, what Is paying for the hats
compared to the mental sufferings one
undergoes in having to wear them, no
matter how unbecoming they may beT*
Silenced, the brutal husband again' buries himself
in his paper.
Phyllis Giimphorl Why, she Is the vainest girl in
town," declares the gentle damsel to her fiance.
Vain? Of what?"
"Why, Bhe actually thinks she Is more beautiful
thanthan you say I am."
The daughter of the house waa In the parlor
entertaining a youngi man- who had called but
twice previously. Suddenly she burst Into
the library, where her parents were sitting,
and Inquired in an excited whisper:
Where's this month's Ladles Own Jour-
don't know just at this moment," sold
her mother. I think
O, I want tt right off. Where
It seeans to me lent It tie
one of the neighbors."
Then send for It this mto*
ute. I must see it at once."
Why, what on earth Can't
you wait until tomorrow?
I donTt know,"
"You don't know?.- Amelia,
have you lost your senses?"
No, mama. Mr. Poppttt has
just proposedtome, and wane
to find out how a girl should
conduct herself toward a man
who proposes the third time he
calls on her."
"A marvelous sing-
er," comment the mem*
hers of the club after
the recital at whloh
Mm*. Dollarnote hag
given the program.
Her voice is mag.
nlflcent," says one of
the clubwomen. "I
is so sweet and low in
"Low?" asks the
chairwoman of the en
Low I will give you
to understand that she
Is the highest priced at
traction on the winter's
THE MEBRY BOOKKEEPER.
Ha. ha! gurgliea the book
keeper with the broken eye
glasses and the red nose.
He adds up a column of fig
ures and then drops his pen
and gives way to another fit of
What's so funny? asks the
bookkeeper with the shiny bald
spot and sleeves.
This la the first time ever
discovered anything amusing in
my work. I just realized that
am getting the footings on
THE OTHER WAY.
heard that Ranter broke
down In th middle of his speech
the other night," says the man
who was kept at home by ill
"Not exactly," replies the
man who was there. "The
meeting broke up right in the
middle of his speech."
________ "X can't understand why
Grimly, with his pronounced
advanced woman," says the friend,
married Miss Skwareohin, when he
views on th
must have known that she Is oelebrated for her advo
cacy of the equal rights cause."
It's not hard to understand," explains the other
friend. Grimly wants a home that will not be clut
tered! up with sofa pillows and cosy cornera"
Regard lor the Unities.
WORK AND LIFE
Children," said the eminent critic, you'll have to stop
this racket or I'll whip every one of you. You make such a
noise I can't get at the true beauty of this book on Happy
Wanted Immediate Information.
Mr. Clectem," says the editor of the new diction
ary to his helper, I notice that you have included a
large number of new wordsof slang expressionsIn
the list you have compiled."
"Yes, sir," says the lexicographer. "1 thought it
would be just as well to accept these coined words as
part of the language.
By the rule of popular ^exssar^x'KTKi.j.^rirrv'r i i jM.xw^stsxxjzKxi'tx.irxsvai \x:r:tTK-)rt:*\ssssxs
the editor of the dic
tionary. It is impos
sible to print a coined
word. Coining means
forming.of metal bank
notes are printed, but
currency is coined,
But Mr. Clectem is
busily dashing a blue
pencil through his man
On a Pinch.
"I've bought a new
runabout auto," says
"One of those little
things that will only
earry two people?"
asks the man who buys
most of his stamps of
the flrugglat and. con
siders himself a regular
customer and therefore
entitled to ask ques
tions and give advice
about his affairs.
"Yes. It will only
seat two people, but,
then, It may carry three
In a pinch."
"Blamed if I'd haul
any cop to the station
when he wanted to ar
rest me for fast driv-
ing," asserts the other
The dlfferenee be*
twaen hop* and ax*
pectatiou is that hop*
is a longing for some
thing you know you
Of exrarse Ittopre-
fudlee, but we begin
to feel better imme
diately when we are
prescribed for by a
physician who has
Genius may be an
Infinite capacity for
hard work, but genera
ally it Is an infinite
capacity for planning
hard work that is sel
Five years ago a man
and wife in Ohio were
divorced because they
quarreled over what
brand of breakfast
food should be served
on their table. Won
der what they think
of themselves now.
you reflect tbat you would have had a better tfane last
summer If you had gone to the other resort.
Xiuekfly some men cannot waste their all on wild eats,
as they nave to spend considerable for headaohe powders.
Winter would be an enjoyable season oould only
keep the end seat hog In cold storage.
Be oalm. Science has really brought to light many
things besides new and expensive diseases.
"Ho,** said the very wealthy person, "I can't
make any donations to charity this winter. I was
defrauded through the last contribution of that sort
Defrauded atked the fair solioitor. Why,
I am surprised."
But it's a foot A fellow earn* around and got
me to give the money to pay the rent for ten poor
families that were about to be evioted. And what do
you think After I gave him the money I found that
the poor families were tenants of mine, and I not only
was ont the amount of my donation hut of their rtnt
Any man Is susoeptlble to a jolly, but every man is oon
vlnoed that the jolly that is given to him la the bald truth.
In a football story the hero gets married after the game.
In a football contest the hero goes to the hospital after
the first half.
It Is officially announced that the lid has been put on
at Downer's Center, Mo. Downer's Center is the place
where they used to have rains of frogs, and where the
airship Is occasionally seen.
A hero is a man who makes news but thinks he Is
J'This is terriblp laU/' said the Wife, as th*p
nearing home after the after*the-theater dinner, "It
is too late for us to be out,"
Ventured the husband, "posstblp one
feature of the occasion that tak.es atoap a great deal
of its pleasure is that you cannot consistently scold
me this time for coming home so late."^^'^.^
A married man asks
us to state that one of
the most enjoyable
moments In a married
man's life is when his
wife tells how many
proposals she had be
fore she met him.
Regret, son, is that
feeling you have when