Newspaper Page Text
Wifft t/te Longr ^ott
"fiy aatun'm walks, aboot tolly ah It ffiaa."
ZErick* la the Undertaker's TradeHow One Undertaker
ffi Tagged With Orape the House to Which He Was Called
on Another Errand.
of tricks in all trades Lac Stafford states
that he learned something of those in the under
It is a tradition of the trade that when an undertaker sees
crape on a door he will drive on because it is a sign that an
undertaker has already been called.
There was an enterprising undertaker in town who always
carried a bit of crape in his coattail pocket. Whenever he
was asked to a house as he went in he would stab the crape
on the doorjam with a tack.
One day he made a terrible mistake. He was called to a
prominent house and as he went in he tagged the house and
remarked comfortably, "You're it" The lady, after a long
and round-about interview, came to the pointshe wanted
to buy a tombstone for somebody who had died three years
When the undertaker hurried out to put the house right
in the eyes of a sympathizing world, his flag was still floating
and all the children and nurse maids for blocks about were
looking up at the windows.
The writer once worked next door to an undertaking shop
where the young fellow had inherited the business. He was
naturally a "sport," but about his business he had assumed
an extra-professional gloom to conceal the sportiness. The
result was a streak of lean and a streak of fat. As a rule,
gloom but bubbling under it was "the sport" and like a
recurrent geyser the sportiness sometimes shot up thru the
layer of gloom.
The result was a character that filled all the ribald be-
holders in the newspaper office with a mighty joy and which
was a never failing source of interest and pleasure during
those dull hours when no one cared to get murdered
You know how a man who is not used to speaking in
public often gets himself tangled up and steps on his own
verbal feet. Of course everybody is dead anxious to talk
public and this mental confusion is Providence's way of
keeping so many of us in our seats instead of on our feet
swaying vast public assemblages. Everybody knows the story
of the minister who first spoke without notes and announced
his text "and the cock wept and Peter went out and crew
bitterly." Right in line with this London Tidbits tells the
sad story of the chairman of the school committee who was
addressing the meeting at the teachers' institute.
"My friends, the schoolwark is the bulhouse of civiliza
tion I meanah
The chairman became slightly chilled.
"The bulhouse is the schoolwark of civ
An invisible smile began to make itself felt.
"The warkhouse is the bulschool of
'He was evidently twisted.
1^ ~"The schoolbul is the housewark
An audible snigger spread itself over the faces of the
"The scowse hool
He was getting wild. He mopped perspiration, gritted his
teeth, and made a fresh effort.
"The schoolhouse, my friends
A sigh of relief went up. A-h-hl Now he has got his
feet under him again. He gazed suavely round. The light of
triumphant self-confidence was enthroned upon his brow.
"Is the wulbark
And that was alL He gave it up.
Down in Old Mexico a little bird in the tropical foliage by
the edge of the river sings a song that ripples and le#ps as
the waters leap in the spring. The wind breathes low in the
grass and the sunlit mountain side is silent and a-quiver to
hear the song. It tells that life is glad and that the land and
sea are fair and that fair are stars in the quiet sky and fair
is noontide's golden glory that the present is ours and the
past and future are but dreams half remembered or vainly
guessed. The sky is blue overhead and the bird sings a
passionless song of content.
Up in Nebraska a little sparrow sits turned to stone on
the top of a window protected a little from the fierce zephyr
that blows chill from Medicine Hat, Nebraska. The stars in
the quiet sky give place to noontide's chill glory but this
glory is not golden but silver. The little bird does not sing a
passionless song of content, neither does he stir a feather
except when the bitter wind ruffles his brown coat.
And why does he not do any of these birdlike stunts of
his rapturous brother of the land of the Montezumas? Be-
cause, dear reader, he is frozen stiffer than a stake and his
little restless chatter is hushed forever.
The other little bird had sense enough to go south when
the season began to give the riot sign and when he heard the
news from Nebraska, how doc's spotted cow "Speck" had
the tips of her horn's frosted in the blizzard and was taken
with milk chill at eventide, he let go in the rapturous strain
we mention above. __^#
What the Market Affords
the cook who wishes to substitute vegetables for meat,
a knowledge of food values is imperative, according to
*Harper's Bazar. Some vegetables are perfect substitutes for
meat. You might grow strong and vigorous on them, while
if you made a wrong choice, your family would slowly starve
to death. All the grains, such as whole wheat, rice, barley,
oats, corn, are perfect substitutes for meat. They havtTthe
same nutritive value without the wastes of animal flesh.
Nuts, eheese, pease, beans, lentils, raisins, figs, bananas, are
meat foods. Tomatoes, onions, celery, asparagus, carrots,
-beets, spinach, apples, are all valuable and important articles
*f diet, but if you attempted to make them the basis of your
dietary, your family would either starve or strike. Many
vegetables have medicinal value, which if more widely under
stood would diminish the need for drugs and the doctor.
Raisins, grapes, asparagus, spinach, lentils, carrots, contain
^considerable iron. They are valuable for anemic people.
^Celery, onions, carrots and lettuce are nervines and should
occur frequently in the diet of the high-strung nervous per-
son. They may be served in a variety of ways, together or
separately or inn combination'with otheryfoods. Withrthe ad
ditiodne ocfi milk and butter, they become nutritious. Carrots
combination with celer or onions beets-
Kggs take the place of meat always. Two eggs equal in food
value the quantity of beefsteak usually served to one person.
THE AFFECTIONATE BUTCHER.
y^APTAIN RYAN, the new-British naval attache at Wash-
V- ington, quoted, at a sale of autographs, a letter that
Lamb once received from a butcher.
Jj "Miss Lamb," he said, "sent to the butcher for a roast
of mutton, jand feceived this note in reply:
^!ea memI am sorry I have not killed myself this
jefifiJk but you can have a leg off my brother.
jf ,^'Your, affectionate, 1
SHALL NEVER BE ABLE TO, UBS.
THE JOURNAL'S HOME EXERCISE SYSTEM.
Exercise No. 1.
(For strengthening the conscience.)
Assume attitude of figure in solid linespush shovel until
filled with snowgently assume attitude indicated by dotted
lines, throwing snow over head or to one siderepeat until
walk is clean.
Not for Her
O YOU know, Mrs. O'Plynn," she said as
she reached the gate dividing the two yards,
"that they have invented a flying
"For the lands sake, no, Mrs. Mc
Carthy! Is it that we are all going to fly
thru the air next?"
"That's what Patrick was reading in
the paper an hour ago. The time from
New York to Chicago will be only three
hours, no matter which
way the wind blows."
"Dear me, but,whai
won't they get up next?
I suppose you'll be
skimming along in that
machine about next
I shall never 4)0
able to, Mrs. O'Flynn.'^
"An4 |or wjja} rea-
"For the dizziness
of it* I've been mar
ried gojuig on twenty
years now, and yet it's
just the same as at first.
Patrick can't throw me
down even one flight
of stairs but what such
a dizziness comes over
me that he and the
hilders seem to be
swimming ab6ut my
head for the next two
days. The rest of yees
may take wings, Mrs.
O'Flynn, and know
what it is to be angels,
but it will never be for
menever for me."
A POOR COMMISSIONAIRE.
aeronaut, A. R. Knabenshue, had a. slight accident
during an ascension at Brockton, Mass., and after he had
come down a young man from Fall River sought him out and
I would suggest, Mr. Knabenshue, that you use an air-
tight gasbag of six times the ordinary size, and that you
and your steering and propelling apparatus be placed on top
of the bag instead of beneath it*"
Then he produced a sketch that the aeronaut, after a
moment's study, returned, saying:
"With such a ship I would doubtless go up all rightgo
up like Uncle Henry Cary's bids at the auctionbut the
question is, how would I come down?"
"Who is this Uncle Henry Cary?" asked the Fall River
youth, smiling to hide his bitter disappointment as he put
the rejected sketch back in his wallet.
"Uncle Henry Cary," said the aeronaut, "was a per-
sistent frequenter of auctions. He went to a furniture auc-
tion one day, and began to bid on a colonial cabinet.
"He bid $25, $30, $40, $50, and by that time all his com-
petitors had dropped out.
"But still the absurd old fellow continued to bid. He
bid against himself. He actually ran the cabinet up to $90,
and would have run it higher still if a neighbor hadn't
whispered in his ear:
"There is no one else bidding. You are raising the price
'I know,' said Uncle Henry,-'but I'll tell you how it is.
I have got two commissions from two different people to bid
for this cabinet, and I haven't decided yet which 6f them is
to have it.' 1 Z.."
|NE morning a Sunday school was about to be dismissed
and the youngsters were already in anticipation of re-
laxing their cramped little limbs after the hours of con-
finement in straight-backed chairs and benches, when the
superintendent arose and, instead of the usual dismissal,
announced: "And now, children, let me introduce Mr.
Smith, who will give us a short talk." Mr. Smith smilingly
arose, and after gazing impressively around the classroom,
began with: I hardly know what to say," when the whole
school was convulsed to hear a small, thin voice way back
in, the rear lisp "Thay amen and, thit down|"
A String of Good Stories
J'Uamnot Ml how tha truth may hat
1, V&AX ARTIST IN COCKROACHES.
ONCE knew a fellow artist who had a scheme for din
ing free, that worked beautifully, for a while," said
the tall, blase knight of the palette.
His'quarters were full of cockroaches so big they came
and looked at him while he was in the bath tub and fright
ened him. He killed these animals and dried them.
"Then he filled small paper bags with them, and when
he went out to dinner put them in his pocket. He always
went to table d-hote dinners, where almost anything is ex-
pected to happen.
"When he had finished with his soup my friend would
cautiously extract a defunct cockuoach from his little paper
bag in his pocket, and drop it in what was left. He always
left a little soup for that purposeenough to have drowned
the cockroach if it had been alive.
"Then he called furiously to the waiter: 'Waiter! What
do you mean by putting cockroaches in my soup?'
"The waiter with a meek and contrite air would remove
the soup and incidentally the cockroach, apologizing.
"The next course would follow in due time. My friend
did the same thing with thatdropped a cockroach in what
was left, which was generally little enough, if the truth
were told. He would call the waiter and ask the same old
indignant question, and again the waiter would retire apolo
"By the time he had finished with his dinner it had been
so full of cockroaches that the only thing for the proprietor
to do was to beg him humbly to refrain from paying for it
not to speak of it, and would he pardon the carelessness of
the waiter, etc.?
"Tho he was the only guest who ever found cockroaches,
he worked that scheme with success for many moons. He
became diplomatic at it, egotistical and blatant even, he was
so sure of himself.
"For instance, at one time he happened to want more
than one plate of soup. He failed therefore to drop a cock
roach in the first, waiting for the second/ When he had fin-
ished with the second plate he duly fished out the cock
roach and put it in. Then he called out to the waiter with a
weary and nonchalant air:
'Waiter, I have had two plates of soup. Why only one
"But the waiter got'foxy. He fished out one of those old
cockroaches, took it and a habitue of the place in the cock
roach line to an entomologist, who compared the two and
found that they were not in the same class. The jig was up,
then."---Cleveland Plain Dealer.
A PHILOSOPHY OP RICHES.
PHILADELPHIAN was praising the late Mary Mapes
"Wise woman as she was," he said, "Mrs. Dodge could
never bring herself to see that organized charity was the
only sort that did good. She considered organized charity
rathpr cold. She believed in the charity spirit, which, she
said, was best fostered by the direct, personal contact of
recipient and giver.
'IJence she never refused a beggar. And, defending her-
self from my attacks one day, she narrated a conversation
that she once overheard between two Maryland tramps, or
These peach plucks, as they lay under a tree on a
superb afternoon, philosophized.
q^"|Bill,' said the first, 'why is it that poor people is
alwajg wfilin' to help us while rich folks always turns us
"The other, with a mirthless laugh, replied:
don't mind givin' away is the ones that
A #EW AMERICANISM.
JAMES has made, during his American visit, a
collection of curious phrases and expressionshe calls
At a dinner in New York Mr. James, chuckling a good
deal, repeated an Americanism that he had heard that day.
"A philanthropic lady," he said, "one of those ladies
whose delight it is to do good, summoned a parlor maid and
'Jane, I take a real interest in your welfare. Now,
tell me, is there anything serious between you and the
grocer's delivery man?'
'Well, ma'am,' Jane answered, blushing, 'we are keep-
'Keeping company? Do you mean by that odd phrase
that you are betrothed?'
ma'am, not yet. We've only got as far as waist-
WRITER in the Boston Transcript recalls some amus
ing blunders foreigners make in using English. A
Hungarian journalist, leading up to an account of an earth
quake, told how merrily the evening had passed. Just be-
fore the crash came the ladies had retired to their, rooms,
whereas "we man was remaining in the coffee." A French
dressmaker advertised her work as "grand, elegant and
swell." A polite and sympathetic Jap wrote: I am rather
sorry you have beep so ill," and a Parisian lady asked to
be recommended as" a teacher of French, and added, with
exquisite naivete, I am not obliged to earn my life, but I
want to have too strings to my arc." An excited Italian,
when h had sent a manuscript with a page missing, wrote:
"If anything like this happens again notify me suddenly."
These infelicities recall also the Mexican diplomat 'at Wash
ington, who affably remarked: "Your climate in Buffalo is
wat you call deeficoolteh?"
-TELEGRAPH operator went with a friend to lunch in
one of the uptown restaurants. After they had been
there a few minutes the telegraph operator called his
friend's attention to a pretty young woman seated at a
table on the side of the room, who was toying with her
spoon, occasionally tapping gently with it on the side of her
plate. A well-dressed man seated at a table some distance
away was going thru a similar performance. The telegraph
operator informed his friend that the couple were carrying
on a flirtation by the Morse alphabet.
Then he tapped a few times with his fork. The young
man and woman turned very red in the face and suddenly
departed. This is what the telegraph operator had signaled:
"Oh, quit your spooning and get married!"Baltimore
DIAL ring," said the curio dealer. "A French dial
Luring of the eighteenth century. You can tell the
time with it." "V.u*.
The ring, of gold, was beautifully chased, and, where the
stone sparkles usually, there was set *a tiny sun-dial.
you have to do," said the dealer, "is to stand in
the right way, holding the dial so that the sun. strikes it, and
a tiny shadow will tell you the hour.
"Such a ring," he concluded, "is more a curio than an
aceurajfce timepiece. It is only good in the locality it is made
for, and even there, unless it is set towards the right point
of thejiompass, it will be several hours out of the way."
A CALICO PRINT.
The Well-Advertised ActressIn my new play in the first and second-
acts I wear a calico dress.
The CriticAh! I see. Yon seem determined to appear in print as
much as possible.
San Domingo, Bee. 2.According to
opinions expressed by several congress
men and bv the local newspapers, the
pending treaty between the government
of the United States and that of the
Dominican republic will not pass the
Dominican congress because of article
seven. This article reads as follows*
"The American government at the
request of the Dominican government
shall assist in any form it mav think
convenient to re-establish credit, main
tain order, augment the efliicacv of the
civil administration and to otherwise
promote the material progress and wel
fare of the republic.''
Congressmen and others recommend
that the government ask for a revision
of the treaty bv the omission of article
7, which is considered to be perilous.
Open for Business
On Dec. 4. The new line of the Soo
between Thief River Falls and Ken
mare. Call at 119 Third street S for
A Lesson from the Pecan Nut.
If you love coffee you will be interested in knowing about
the bitter flavor of the pecan nut shelland if you feel that
coffee drinking does not agree with you, by all means finish
this pecan comparison.
What is it that tastes so bitter in the pecan? Crack the
shell, examine and taste. You see it is that tan-bark-colored
velvety portion of the shell's lining. Taste it how it makes
your mouth pucker!
That bitterness seems to?be
you could separate this from the ground coffee ankdnput
into the coffee pot alone, you would have not the slightest
coffee flavor, but a bitter tannin-bearing liquid..
By a patented process, Barrington Hall, the steel-cut cof-
fee, is freed from all this tannin-bearing chaff and dustpuri
fiedand cut(not mashed) into clean-cut, even sized gran
ules that make a coffee that is drunk by thousands who had
given up coffee drinking altogether.
The flavor of Barrington Hall will be found superbbe
cause of the tannin removed, and besides it is economical, but
try it and see.
Roasted, steel-cut, packed by machinery in sealed tins, and
guaranteed by Baker & Co., Importers, Minneapolis.
For sale by the better class of grocers, at 35c per pound.
LEEDS, FORMER HEAD
OF ROCK ISLAND, GAINS
New York, Dec. 2.Daniel G. Eeid.
chairman of the board of directors of
the Boek Island road, said today that
the condition of William B. Leeds, for
merly president of that railroad, who
recently suffered an attack of paralysis,
is improving. Mr. Keid said Mr. Leeds
doctor had told him yesterday that he
might go out of doors on Sunday. Mr.
Beid denied that Mr. Leeds had de
cided some time ago to sever his con
nection with the Rock Island or that
Mr. Leeds had recently liquidated the
bulk of his holdings of its securities. J. 4.
Dyspepsia in its worst forms will
yield to the use of Carter's Little
Nerve Pills, aided by Carter's Little
Liver Pills. They not only relieve
present distress, but strengthen the
stomach and digestive apparatus.
Unlike other prepared roofings, Carey
Boofing cannot be cheapened to fit a
price. 'Once a Carev'a, always a Ca
rey's. See W. S. Nott Co., TeL 376.
nature's protection from the
insects which otherwise are very destructive to the pecan
trees. The bitter flavored material is almost pure tannin
the same matdrjal that we find in the yellow parchment that
is taken out of
Now take a handful of
coffee,any kind except
^A gfZA mT\^ Barrington Halland you
ANY ONE TIRED OF BEING SICK
OR SICK OF BEING TIRED
should knowthat Reeve*'Iron Pills arotho host hoalth
giving Tonloto tho body, brain,blood and norvos ovor
for a wornout, rundown system,
REEVES' IRON PILL CO.,
8T. PAUL, MINN.
BREAKFAS FOOD A 4alkp^2rDWHEAT
COOKED PACKAGE mli-rmA
E LICOUS SOLD BY ALL LEAD ING O RO OE RS
of ihi3 yello
Hone Genuine without Signatory.