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lll#f!^^ When a girl goes away ob a visit she is as popular in the new town as if she were a new brand) of breakfast food. Wtaat He Was. Onoe I knew a man." said- theinteresttag 'conversationalist, Pride. Hot pridft of rank nor pride of honest birth Compose the proudest pride upon this earth The dame who gets her hat for less than cost Is proud as she who pays its double worth. THE CLOWN'S JEST. The who was born in mid 'ocean. His father was an Englishman and jhis mother was of French-German parentage but was a native of Greece. So what do you suppose that man is?" The listeners thought steadily for som* moments, but at last announced that they could not guess. He is a dry goods merchant,'* explained the interestlaa conversationalist. '"Why," asked the clown of himself "is this feather whi ch Is tickling my nose like a well-known mattress "'Why," repeated the clown to him self, as though in answer to his ques tion, "why, indeed, is such the case "Because," said the clown to him 4elf, with a preliminary smiley "when it feels like a feather if felt." 'Whereupon the drammer of the or chestra thumped the head out of his instrument. RBADY. Vow have settled my poor affairs And drafted my legal will feting hither the turkey andhot miseeple And end with a pepsin pilL A A Digest of Literature. Sir," said the man with the pointed nose end the blunt lead pencil, approaching the ,desk of the editor of the literary magazine, I" i have compiled some statistics concerning ithis fall's novels that cannot fail to be of interest." We get our six best selling lists from the libraries and other sources," explained the editor with out looking up. that I have made a careful and comprehen-, 'give analysis of-the life, Incident, and death 'of each novel, and have combined the whole in a general report." i The visitor laid a sheet of paper before the led!tor, and indicated the following table: [Number of books published 3,456 {Total number of unappreciated wives.. 1,643 Total number of despised husbands,.... 258 Deceived wives _..... 1,001 Hoodwinked husbands......-.~~. 669 Suicides 10 Murders 196 Proposals 6,766 Beproposals 9,543 Marriages in last chapter.............. 5,222 Elopements 855 Heroes ordered from premises. 1337 Heroines who say: Leave men! Alas!" 2Tt Heroes who say: Never, so long as this heart beats in my bosom."...... 1,744 Villains who get Just deserts.......... 3,455 Sub-villains who get ditto............. 3,456 Deaths .v 627 Fortunes lost (total) $8,798,543,222,116.99 Unexpected inheritances (total) I -**..*...~~..~*2,e64,538,942,001.7S Comedy farmers.... .._ 2,256 Other comedy characters....*........ 1,200 B'goshes 104,288,362 "Gadzooks" 8,941 Prattling children/who reunite parents 75 Bank robberies 553 Other malfeasances, misdemeanors and crimes 7,933 Noble' deeds,..- ...-...15,164 Rafl road Item. A train of thought ran through her "brain And tumbled in the ditch. Why sof O, reader, it is plain She did not wear a switch. IP VSTVAN' DIAGNOSIS. Ton suffer for a day or so with sore throat. You go to the doctor. "Doctor," you say, "I've got a sore throat.** "Um-m-m," says the doctor. "Sit down." Then he bids you open your month, and then he makes you open it wider and wider until you can feel the back of your head against the crossing of your suspenders. Against your tongue he places a fiat thing like a spoon handle, and pries your mouth open a little wider, and you begin to wonder, with what feeble conglomerated thoughts you can produce with your head bisected In that manner, hdw much he will charge yon for this. The spoon handle, or whatever it is, holds your tongue closely against your lower Jaw and you realize suddenly that you have a ter rific lot of teeth. YOU wonder then whether the doctor" is going to step Inside and walk around, but he removes the spoon handle, or whatever it Is, and watches you get your jaw hinges Into action again. Just as you get your mouth closed he bids you open it again. Mechani cally the back of your head flies to the rear and your skull digs in between your shoulder blades. Say Ah.' orders the doctor. You say AhP', If you could say Ah!" an the stage with the force and impresaiveness with which you now utter it you could succeed Henry Irving after one night's performance. You say "Ah" with all possible shades of inflection: you keep on saying It with feeling, with force, viva voce and vice versa and so on and so forth and at length your jaw aches and you stop saying Ah and bring the top of your head over into position again and discover that the doctor has turned away and IS sitting at his desk writing a prescription. He hands you the prescription, takes the two dollars which you hand to him, and then as you turn to get your hat from where It has fallen on the floor you ask: What seems to be wrong with me, doctor7" "O, you've just got a sore throat," he says. The Author's Reading. The talented young author, who has consented to give a reading for the benefit of a certain charity, under the auspices of a certain charity organization, arrives home late that night with worrimeht writ large on his brow. "Why, my dear," says his wife, who has sat up to how he got along, did you forget your story?" No." "Then you read It all right?* Didn't read it at all," he says, dropping into a chair and looking moodily at the floor. Didn't read It at anr* No. Yon see, the chairman of the reception committee first made a speech Introducing the chair man of the managing committee. He got up and told about the ex cellent work of the chairman of the finan cial committee, 'who got up and made a speech about the plans for next year and Introduced the president of the asso ciation, who told all about the work of the concern and then in troduced the chair* man of the meeting, who was to introduce me, but by that time the audience was leaving, and so I slipped around to the door and came out with the crowd." Spotted His Plan "Kind sir." said the wan man with the hungry eyes and the week's beard on his face, can't you spare a dime or a quarter for a poor man?" i "Wen," said the portly gentleman he had addressed, I don't know but I can." He fumbled in his pocket for some change, and the wan man continued!: Make it as much as you can, governor. J,iM Jin Alphabet of IHottoes 6U6K put oft till tomorrow tbose wbo want to be done today*. riuiiiiMirrfrttrmmffmtrv wben be dies* ^M^taZt^^cZr^iku^, "By jinks! Thafs so I' forgotten all about Christmas Sorry my poor chap, but ___. I can spare mr.*..-+... Think of the glad holidays a-coming on, an me with- BO. I'd forgotten all about Christmas. Sorry, my pot spare you a cent. Christmas will set me back $50 more than I can afford to spend.' WARM LANGUAGE. Mr. Fadoogus has gone to the basement to see what he can do with the furnace to make it send up more heat, and he finds the fire nearly out. He pokes his head into the furnace to Inspect the condition of affairs, and When he sees the blackening coals his angry passions rise and he makes several remarks which are re markable only for the Acridity of their adjectival components (which we trust Is a phralse that may be verified by some dic tionary or other). Then he re builds the fire and* comes upstairs. It W&B all right, wasn't It?" asks Ms wife. No. Thefire How odd! Just after you went down a perfect flood of heat came through the registers.** henry's $late. Yes, miss," said the clerk, opening a few boxes, here are some perfectly exquisite new silk stockings with the latest open work pattern.'' For Dear Papsu Fond Wife writes us, asking If we think a hammered brass umbrella jar tor the hall would please her husband better than an oriental table Cover for the library. *m It certainly would. There is a great deal of nonsense said and written about giving men presents that they can wear, or eat, or drink, or smoked but to our notion there Is nothing that gets right down in a man's heart and snuggles up to his better self quicker than an umbrella jarpreferably one of hammered brass. There is no more joyful mo- ment in a man's life than When he may stick his umbrella in a hammered brass umbrella jar and carry it to the office with him. In case his umbrella Is a trifle dilapidated the Jar Will conceal this fact To our mind, the little bit of bright, gay color given by the brass jar against the usual dark clothing worn by a man would lend- the precise touch of novelty needed to make his garb attractive and himself impressive. An oriental table cover is all right in its way, but what man ever has an excuse to car*y a table cover or a table about with him? Give him the um- i -i i -IT nr iim.i minimm nm, I brella jar of hammered brass by all means. Not only will it improve his appearance, but it will also help him to avoid losing his um brella. What She Needed. I want to get some hosiery,** said the pretty miss, approaching the counter. I want something serviceablesomething I can wear to go skatng in." the Usual Wary. Hera's a good! story," said the wife, look ing Up from her papelt $KE orntn tf The Game. Mildred., here is your grandpapa come to visit Us. about now nice you must be to bun?" O yes* mamma, dear, I remember tbat you said I must be as nice as I know how to bun. because we bave as mucb right to a part of" bis money as any of tbe rest of tbe kin MM Ml* tt IIIMHtMM* I I I IIIHIlllHM lltll tmm Mr. Blaphh," said the gentle maid, "my papa doesn't permit me to have callers after 10 p. m." "That's all right/' said the young man. "I've played poker with your papa. Just tell him I'm not a caller I'm a stayer. He'll understand." But when the message was delivered to papa the young man was raised out. ,.H Force of Hajrit. trtd yon hear about the odd act of Dr. Doseniuppr* asks the man with the fringelike whiskers. No," says the man with the overworked curiosity. What did he do?*' friend of his asked him how to get to Hinsdale, and he told him to take the 10:35 train, then charged the regular fee for prescribing what his friend should take.'* -n MILDRED'S MEMOR Y. you The Complete Tourist. O, look at that beautiful mountain!" ex claims the woman, as the train sweeps ma jestically around a curve and the towering peak is brought Into view. Isn't it one of the most lovely things you ever saw. Let us take it all in. We can't afford-to miss ii Wait a minute," says the man, diving into his luggage. (t Here's a story of a man who bragged that he could make as good a hat as anybody1 could want by. se lecting the materials and then combining them as they are in the latest models. And when he had done so, he found that the raw materials cost him $2 more than the finished hat would have cost." I don't believe it," asserted the husband "#ow here's another Story in my^paper. It'a about a man who took the household management out of his wife's hands, and at'' f?j p^ the end of a month, after doing all th*. marketing aflfl arranging the meals himself, ^y" She's a decided brunette, they ten me," he had lowered the expenses of the house 40 says the person who has not yet met the per cent." l/|lady under discussion I don't believe ii,H "But look! You must see the mountain." "Hold on. Wait till I find that tourist's guide book. I don'tknow whether this moun tain is one that we shotiia-rast*any time over or not." O DECID E IT. **Yes. Mrs. Medootftw," satd die emi nent surgeon, "there is a considerable disagreement between die physicians in charge df the esse is to whether or not we should operate on your husband.** "And so "And BO we have decided to operate, and thus discover whether or not an operation is advisable.** lf ,IJ Her Future* My clear Sdiss Flossie," said the friend df the family, I wish to caution yon against that young Mr. Flysogh. I hear thai he Is a man with a past.'* Indeed?" asks Miss Florists. "Wen. he was here this afternoon, and at thai time he was a man with a present" And she meaningly studies a large diamond ring on the third finger of her left hand, While into her eyes comes the rapt expression Of one who contemplates the future* IF"^ffL presents you will re ceive, bear In mind that familiar advice as'to the unadvisa- bllity of enumerating the chickens before i the hen makes her re-^ port. &m. Aside from the fact that it is a wise thins to save your money, think how pleasant it must be to get rich and then be able to write helpful articles for the magazines about how to econo mize. 36 Ever notice that the man who takes most interest In your efforts as a football rooter is the one who sells col lege colors? X This week the Man" Who Thinks it is a Sacred Duty to Ap prise the Children that There Is No Santa Clans will begin his rude work. Ahdther illusion that gets shattered In due course of time 1B the one that makes a man think It IS a big thing to serve on a commit tee of sott sort. ^jj %mi VERY DECIDED. declared the wire, Yes, indeedV' answers the other. And! You can't believe a thing you read about the peculiar part ofi it is that she decided the way men can manage better than only a month ago .that she wooldbe a women.*' brunette.' Some folks lie awake nights thinking of what to'buy for Christmas presents, and thus cause others to tie awake nights wondering how they wil pay for the gifts. ft Parlor Mafic "To do this trick with cards" explained the parlor magician, "you must first slip the card selected upon the bottom of the pack. Then, while talking On some interesting subject, you should peep at the Card Having fixed it in your memory, you count one hundred, adding to that the number of spots on the card, multiply this by fifty-two and divide by four because there are fifty-two cards in the deck and four suits of cards. Take 'the result, subtract thirteen, because there are that many cards in a Suit, ask the person who drew the card if he or she remembers what it was, then draw It from the bottom of the pack and, show It to him or her." But," says one of the audience, wouldn't It be just as easy to take it from the bottom at the start?" "True, but would yon rob the teat of all its mystery?" HOW COULD HE? Finally, my friends," said the lecture* wtio had been urging his hearers to adopt the higher life. let us put heart in our work. No work of man can be at its best unless it has heart in it any work without heart In it is apt to be classed with his worst." "I can't put heart in my work,'* interrupted a red faced listener. "O, my friend, you can If you only wIU." No sir, mine has to be the other kind you men tioned. I am a manufacturer of liverwurst" Reading the Pictures. "Our New Year's number," says the adver tisement of the popular magazine, "will be a literary triumph. The cover design in five colors will be by Paxfield Marrlsh, the frontispiece, also In five colors, will be by Fisherson Harris, the opening story will be illustrated by Chowder Christie Handler, four other stories will be Illus trated by Charles Gainer Dibson, Hunry Hett, Clark Appleton Walter, and Florence Scone Scivel and there will be two poems with head pieces and marginal decorations by Garden Grunt and Jibbs Gorge." A man In. tflarksviHe, Term., according to one of the paper* down there, has been ar rested for "wreckless driving." in view of the pains and penalties for ants riding* it seems to us that such action' as this Is designed to catch people coming or going, One little boy who is keeping* track of current events has at last solved the puzzle of how Santa Glaus can get so many nice things to give away. He has decided that Santa is presi dent of some insurance company. x However, even if you sit patiently and listen to Borne one teH of the say ings of his bright child, you get no credit for it. Somebody signing himself "Constant Reader wants us to say that a man with hay fever should be an influenzal mem ber of a community," but we decline to be dragged into any dis cussions. If people were mind readers lots of us would be afraid to swear by means of such expressions as "Pshaw!" and "Blame it!" -x After a while there will be people who win speak with pride of being able to read G. Bernard Shaw in the original. se- lf we were a Sunday school teacher, the tendency of the youth to attend his class during this month would make us grow pessimistic tid Also, now in the time to find that nice the woman wishes to travel. wt^trnttibiw &-%& beautiful as I say you are you caoht to w*. out over it**/ The Obliging Clerk. UNKLINtX Fve applied for membership In the Kennel club," announces die young man. *m You have?" smiles the young woman, who has a disconcerting way of twisting things about to please herself. "Did you classify yourself as a pet or a watch?" OdtL, But Interesting. Philemon Maggies, a natural genius of Oldtown, (X, has engraved the declaration of independence on a dime, including fac similes of the signatures attached to the declara- tion. Now, he accuses the village grocer of unpatriottem for refusing to accept the dime in payment for cigars. Alsofela VrriennS Smudd of West Wind, Imt, Is wrttmg a eook book la verse. Pub- lication is Withheld, while Miss Smudd finds a rhyme for artichoke that win be the name of one of the ingredients in a sanca. ''_=. George Sllngenf elter of Wayborn, Tcttnx, has devised A be* system of Wireless telega raphy. The apparatus has been installed, and works beautifully with one exceptionthe receiver will not receive. i."'A Tfrt"**! cbQd, is it flrtwwn cent coaxes* Air an appetite that tact worth a castas it Papa," said the daughter of the philan thropist, there is a poor man out there on the street who sayB he and his family are suffering a great deal from exposure." What is he asked the philanthropist "An insurance president Getting His Money's Worth. My Uncle Silas," says the man with the mole on his ear," was one of the most savins men that ever lived.1 But even with all his economical traits he never objected' to my aunt's having everything she wished on the table at Thanksgiving, making, however, one stipulation.'* "What was that?" asks the man with the confiding air. That he should have a mirror face him while he ate, "Ah/' said the coy young damsel," It Is very nice of yon to say I am beautiful, bat one never should believe more than ibout** little savings bank in which you were going to put a certain Bum every day this year. Have you seen It since the 10th of last January? x It is all right to talk about hewing your way through the World, but there are times wben cohdi- tlons are such that you feel you ought to be using an ice pick. x ft yott want to dem onstrate your bravery, read the poem en titled "Beautiful Snow" to a street cleaner some time this month. -x When calculating how many Christmas that she accepted the book With a murmur of thanks for his kmd-neas. half a man says to her." Perhaps that is true," answered the wise youth, "but ii yon were only half as so that he would seem to be IlIOI ATIf* getting twice as much as L/JLIT i-4\JllnJr%. 1 1V# there was on the table." Why It Was Killed. Naturally, the meigthbors upbraid' the peasant who has killed the goose that laid the golden eggs. Fooliito man!" they cry. Did you not know you were dtoiug something you should not have done?" Yes," explains the peas ant, humbly. "But here it was Thanksgiving day, and we never raised no turkeys.! and so we kilJedl the goose for the dinner by -which we gavel thanks for the golden eggs."* No Prentice Hand. How long has Mr. Ffldge-1 been writing humor?" "O, he musti be an old Stager." But he seems young. I know that, but at thej banquet to the humorists he! made a speech and it hej never once esid anythini layingasidethecap time being."and 1Sel, No O, pshaW, I cant find the book I want," complained the young woman the library.) Shawl" politely Inquired the attendant. Simeon Pickrel of Skahootic, N. Y Is studying over an Invention to prevent women from alighting backward when leaving a trolley car. He believes now that the best way,-. to effect this reform will be to have the cars run in the opposite direction from that whlch^Trtl Pllny Tutt of Sotrth Chicago is perfecting an automatic elevator. So far, he has sue- 7, ceeded In making one that will not stop to let you on, and that will go four floors higher^ ,S than the floor at which you wish to leave it, but he regards this as no improvement over"!, the present variety of elevator boy* and will devote more time to the invention., Themselves, mfStt be happy." tanner to the rm-nttnre mover, "those men you sent with the van to take my goods to my new house were drank." Drunk?' asked the other. Why, I am surprised to hear such an accusation as that. What makes you think they wereT* I They acted oddly. They didn't break a mirror or a Statuette, they did not scratch the piano and they utterly failed to pack the lace curtains with the kitchen utensils.'* ^f One minute, miss."' And he handed her "Man and Superman." "Shoot!" she ejaculated. "You don't understand me*' I beg your pardon. Did you say Shute?" And when he brought her The Real Diary of a Seal Boy," she" was so taken aback mH V-*?*' 'Mistaken for a Moment. ^1 r- The snowball takes the young man abaft of thejeft ear, but he merely waves his hand, and smites at the lad who threw it Wonderlngly, the lad stands until the young man comes up to him, when he Is astounded at being seized by the scuff of the neck and kicked into the middle of the street. That will teach you manners, yott impt* shouted tbe young man. At first I thought yon were SUss fcuweys utUe brother." ^i^f :v *!i- A Disappointment. IfS &H*r tfucft arcttrtfol disappointment as thVlaalee of the Main Street church had In the. new minister,!* sighs the called. ^^^^S-v^'L. Ml'... .^.Vh fill Why? What was wrong? Wasn't be orthodox?" ai^ tte hostesa O, his principles were sound enough, but you know they had been without ft pastor, All fall, and engaged this man without seeing him, and*" Bless met What could have been the matter!" coming to that. As he was to arrive the first of December, they thought they might as Well have his Christmas presents prepared and out of the way of other things: And when he came, he proved to be a man who bad bad both legs amputated after a rail-, road wreck, and now all the ladies' Who1 made oarpat suppers tor him are terribly put] I S'A V- J'M 1 0 :lJ ri If