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THE SALT LAKE TRIBUNE, SUNDAY MORNLNG, NOVEMBER '6, 191'i.
IMd PirM C ON CAMBMGlsr MANAGEDS 1
pw-reat multichoods iv silent pathrites pultin' on false whiskers an' creepin into th' pollm places." "Iv all th' glad New Year this is th' maddest, merrest night f'r him' "
I HERE'S nawthiu' I'd like -to be so much
as a campaign manager," said Mr. Doolcy.
"It's th' most jovyal cmplycmint in th
Id. Nawthin to do but laugh an' lie an'
th' money. In ivry other pro-fissyon that
Vf about, aven mc own, there ar-re times
l man will get low in his mind, but th' cam
manager is ahva3s cheery. There ar-rc
hq clouds in his sky, but th' bunds ar-rc
n' in th' threes night an' day an' he sings
wurruk figurin' out fr'm a sthraw vote iv
hujidherd an' eighty-five visitors to Grant's
that the city iv Oskyloosa, Ioway, will give
dherd an' forty thousan' majority f'r his
awthin' disturbs him an' annythin' short iv
over th' head with a brake-handle fills him
IHiv hope. Ivrybody else in th' party gets dis
iBaged fr'm time to time. Aven th' candydate
EB-hc sees himsilf in th' glass in th' mornin'
Mrc shaviiv must sometimes wondher if anny
EK at all will be foolish enough to hurry
fRigh breakfast to vote f'r th' likes iv him. He
iJB down to hcadqnarlhcrs v!th a kind iv an idee
His head that he may get oft th' ticket an' give
lKlacc to a more showy candydate. As he
th' dure he hears a wild burst iv checriu'
JSBth' back room an' Sunshine, th' campaign
IWgcr, dashes out, grabs him be th' hand an'
jjB" in his car: ' It's all settled. I've just had
filter fr'm th' Culture Club (Colored) iv Red
oo Jarscy, savin' that they'll go over in
IjBy to ye if ye'll pay their hall-rent f 'r a month.
IISBkcs it unanimous.'
igR f3' sir, th' campaign manager is a gr-rcat
jjjfeibiitor iv harmless hi-larity. But f'r him
9Ks minyit ivry candydate on th' ticket who's
WB? a Siooine study iv his own qualifications
be at home with his jaw in his hands won
.p' how overwhelmin' th' majority again him
Rbe or scckiu' an escape fr'm th' fury iv th'
lace be jumpin' into th' river. Whin all
lost an' th' sky is darkest, whin his speeches
:m accompanied be th' low murmur iv pleasant
..Brsau'on an' th' thramp iv feet marchin' out
.sglist win th' conductor that punches his
0nh' thrain looks as though he wud like
MP lh! same f'r his face, th' blithe spirit at
StltWi11-110 win provc 10 him il1 fivc min'its
Bn nSolu.tions I)usscd be th' 17irst Prisbylccr
Ruiurch iv Passaic callin' on volunteers to
.K 'j1 was merely a ruse iv his friends to
eVK- IcthodisLs cnthusyastic, that his sup
AiPwl r Ul1 r'luSin' th' sthraw votes so's to
jM i lclir ,noncy down ;it fav'rbic dds' t,,at Lh'
Mr again him in lh' PaaPers ar-rc i"i-ay
M$ W t an' if -vc look at thini rlg,Uj acl: ' 11 m'
'M m ' , St o1' EP"n Biggs,' that th' opposi
the money powers will bring him thonsan's
W Votcs an' th' opposition iv th' labor leacl
tfifrl0! th' Stock Exchange solid f'r him, an'
Mr 1Ulal l!ling thaL was nccded 10 cinch his
' fM, y WaS th' Publication iv th' repoort that he
lBembc2zicd th' funds. iv a Foundlings Nome.
i m th,S treatllli:ilt th canc,'dalc Zocs llomc
an' begins to check his thrunks f'r Wash'nton an'
consult with his wife about rcpaperin' th' East
room. On th' day afthcr iliction th' campaign
manager doesn't aven wait to be thanked f'r his
sarvices but like a careful good fairy slips away
an' nivcr is heerd iv again. Whin th' candydate
has examined tlr figures carefully he borrows th'
loan iv a brick fr'm a frind an' goes down to
headquarthcrs to cxprisa in suitable terms his ap
preciation iv his Rainbow. All that he finds is
a public statement fr'm Gleeful Gus sayin' that
he is gratified be th' magnificent showin' made be
th' organization. It was more thin he had army
raison to expict with a candydate whose face was
enough to turn a sorghum mill into a pickle fac
thry. " Ye feel down-hearted tonight, Hinnissy. Ye
don't know whether th' vinegar cruet iv ye'er
choice is goin' to win or not. No more do I.
I'm worrid about mc own candydate. He's got
enough sthraw votcs to stuff all th' carpets in
Indyanny, but this close to iliction I'm not sure
that there is sufficient intilligcncc, honesty, and
courage in this here wretched counthry to boost
him into th' office. It's needless to say who I
mean, so I won't. But if ye're sad an' want to
be braced up with a shot iv delirious hope, go
down to headquarthcrs. Ye'll know where they
ar-re be th; bursts iv songs that comes through
th' windows. Inside ye'll find a man standin'
on his head an' warblin' th' most confident pre
dictions while he accompanies himsilf on a man
dolin that he plays with his feet. That is th'
campaign manager an' in all th' glad New Year
this is th' maddest, merryest night f'r him.
, : At th' Pro-grissive headquarthcrs mc frind
George W. Perkins will overcome an impedymint
in his speech an' tell ye that afthcr combin' over
th' figures, he is lavin' headquarthcrs f'r good, as
he is afraid that he will hurt himsilf laughtn',
but anny letters, addhrcsscd care iv T. Rosen felt,
Wash'nton, D. C, will reach him in time. Young
Misthcr MacComb, th' sprite iv Dimmycratic
headquarthcrs, gladdens th' heart ivhis followers
with this inspirin' ballad : Th' nation has spoken.
All that now remains to be done is th' useless
formality of addin' up tlr figures. Th' counthry
has nobly responded to th' appeals iv-that jovyal
prince iv good fellows an' diwlc-may-carc wag,
Woodrow Wilson. I ask mc fellow citizens not
to wait f'r th' returns to come in, but to gather
around th' festive boord this very night, fill their
beakers to th' brim with lime juice an' dlirink th'
health iv th' next prisidint iv th' United States
" Over at th' Raypublican headquarthcrs Cheer
ful Charlie Hillcs, an' he's th' boy I'd like to have
wake me, sets chucklin' to himsilf. Says he:
'Pay no attihtion to what people say 'that tell ye
how they're goin' to vote. It's th people who
ar-re afraid to say who they're f'r that will dc
rarmine this iliction. Mc long expeeryence in
pollyticks has taught mc that. It gocsiwithout
sayin' that th' fewer th' number iv people ye hear
boastin' they'll vote f'r Williim Haitch Taft th'
larger his majority will be. Whin I shut mc
eyes an' half doze I can sec gr-rcat multichoods
iv silent pathrites puttin' on false whiskers an'
gum shoes an' creepm' into th' pollin' places whin
th' judges ar-re out gctlin' a dlirink an' 'filhV th'
ballot boxes so full iv Taft-ballots that they will
bust at th' scams. Th' dignified campaign con
ducted be th' prisident through bill posters an'
newspaper advertising placed next to th' wild
ravin's iv Rosen felt an' th' insipid rantin' iv
th' pro-fissor an' other rcadin' matther, has borne
fruit an' tonight to say that Taft's majority is
handsome wud be like makin' th' same complitnint
to Niagara Falls. How do I know? Because
a careful study iv th' most accratc statistics will
provc it to th' most ignorant. F'r example: A
canvass iv Bill Barnes shows practically no oppo
sition on his part to th' prisidint. Complete re
turns fr'm. Charles P. Taft ar-rc most encourag
in A sthraw vote iv lh' cab'net shows Taft
four, Roscnfclt wan, an' three f'r throwin' th'
iliction into th' house iv riprisiutatives. I have
compiled other rcliblc statistics all pointin' in th'
same direction, as. lh' hopefulness iv th' prisidint's
immeejet fam'ly, tlr return iv Andhrew Carnay
gic, th' fullness iv th' moon, a shootin' star that
fell last night, a number iv fav-rablc dhrcams
communicated to mc be. mc aunt, an' th' signifi
cant fact that manny iv tlr posters we stuck up on
tlf fences ar-rc still tlicrc. What more proof
cud. a campaign manager want?' An' he gives
three hearty cheers an' goes down stairs an' asks
lh' man at th' sec-gar counlher what he's heerd
about tlr campaign,"
" Sure, they don't know ' anny more about il
thin annybody else," said Mr. Hcnncssy.
"' Iv coorse not," said Mr. Doolcy," " but wud
ye have thim stop dispersin' th' univarsal gloom
because iv that? No.'sir, they're a band iv hope
an' T injyc thim. What wud a canclyclalc do
without thim? Think iv beiiV a Prohybition
candydate, with no campaign manager an' naw
thin at all to cheer ye. I bet ye at this minyit
"He's got enough sthraw votes lo stuff all the carpets in Indyanny
while I'm talkiir th' campaign manager iv th' EH
Prohybition party has got th' Prohybition candy- IH
date in a .back-room an' is tellin' him that th' ijH
Milwaukee brewers' union is secretly f'r him be- (j'H
cause iv th' horror they feel f'r th' suds they IH
make. He's ordhercd a jorum iv ice wather an' a
plate iv cookies an' is whisperin' to th' candydate :
' Alonzo, iy coorse I don't want to make anny iiH
foolish predictions, but if I can judge be th'
sthraw vote we took iv people comin' out iv tlr fH
alcoholic ward at th hospital yistcrdah, ye ought
lo romp in.' It's thryin' on th' candydatc'sappy- fH
tile th' mornin' afther iliction, but on'y wan iv-
tlr' candydatcs ivcr grabs f'r a sicond hclpin' at IH
that meal annyhow. Th' best thing ye can do fl
f'r anny man is to fill him full iv hope an' post- jH
pone th' disappintmcnt as long as ye can. Con- 'H
tinuc to jab him till thv last minyit, but be sure
ye're out iv his way whin he comes to: jH
'' So here's a long life to th' glee-club iv cam-
paigit managers. They ought 'to have a good jH
time durin' th' campaign f'r they niver have
afthcrward. If they don't ilict their candydate
he's sure to blame thim an'- if they 'do ilict him he
wondhcrs how manny more Votes he wud-vc got
if they hadn't been in his-way.. Manny a sue-
cissful campaign manager. Hushed 'witlvtriumph. fH
' has caught cold waitin' in th'. front hall iv th'
White House f'r th' prisidint to come out an
say he's sorry but lh' job was promised durin'
. tlr campaign.
'' Annyhow, it's on'y a few days befure we'll
know which wan iv these joyous souls made th'
worst guess. But who cares? ' Ye'er little
boys has th' right idee iv th' iliction. They were
out stcaiin' bar'ls fr their bone-fire today Thcv
won't care who's ilictcd prisidint so .long as they
can dance around th' fire. I feel th' ,samc way
mcsilf. I'm not wan iv tlr kind thaHooks oil'
ilicilion day as a day iv fast an' abstinence. No,
sir. 'tis a holiday. An iliction f'r prisidint is
wan iv th! gr-rcat festivals iv th' poor air' it don't
cost annythin'. I'm goin' to give mcsilf over lo
injyin' it. Fin goin' to get up in th' mornin'.
sthroll down to th' pollin' place, have a few H
wurruds' with th' polismen. get a ballot fr'm th'
clerk, stay' in th' booth till th' judges wondher '
if I've swooned, make wan assault on th' head
iv a sartain colyum with th' stub iv a lead pencil
supplied be a giu'rous govcrmint, fold up th' blan
kct carefully, hand it to th' judge, an' watch to
see he don't slip it into' his boot, air go out an' Hl
argyc an' fight th' live long day ontil th' returns f
come in. T will thin say to wan an' all : ' It's
just-as I said it wud be three months ago, if )c
rcmiinbcr.' an" climb into th' ticking. An' in th'
mornin Fll buy mc a new hat an' begin life over
ag'ain. But I'm hot goin' to feel bad no matther fH
what happens. If th' counthry is goin' to th'
divvle I've got to go along, too. I can't stop
it an I can't get off. Fm billed through with it
an' I've mcd up rnc mind to get what pleasure I
can out iv lh' worst that can happen.'
"Bye think th' result iv th' iliction will have
any effect on th' cost iv h'viu'?;askcd Mr. Hen- tH
" Sure it will," said Mr. Doolcy, " f'r th' sue-
ci-suil candydate." Il
(C'op.n rlslit- 13U': Sy rinlcy Fcter Dunne.1) tl