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Newspaper Page Text
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Charles Mathews, the famous
actor, one day previous to the period
of his publicly proclaimed bank
ruptcy, invited a friend to dine with
him. The walnuts were washed down
by some rare East India sherry.
"That's delicious wine," his friend
exclaimed. "It must have cost you
a lot of money."
l "It didn't cost me anything that
rl know of," the comedian answered,
with a. shrug.
"You had it given to you, then,"
the friend suggested.
''Oh, no' answered Mathews, "I
bought it from a place jn Bond
"But he will charge you something
for it?" the friend exclaimed, in as
tonishment "I believe he does write something
down in a book," Charles retorted,
gravely. "Iet's have another glass,
It was a case of assault The ill
used wife was bringing the charge
against her brutal husband and lay
ing her grievances before the judge.
"He started by givin me a biff on
the nut" she exclaimed tearfully.
"A biff on the nut? My good
woman, you mustn't talk like that in
a court of justice. I presume you
mean he gave you a blow upon the
"Yus, yer washup. And then he
tried to do me in by chuckin' his ter
baccy at me optics."
"By which I take it that yon mean
he attempted to injure you by pre
cipitating his tobacco box at you.
Continue, and ,try to avoid slang.
Pray inform the Court what further
violence Tie attempted"."
"Well, yer washup, he he er "
"Go on. Don't "waste the time of
"I was just wonderin what was the
pet name of this here court for a dot
on the coco that caused two black
: o o
Jones and Brown were bragging
hard about the excellence of their
"Take our fire brigade," said Jones,
after an hour's heated discussion.
"Do you know, the other day a fire
broke out in our town, and within
three minutes the engine came along,
but it was going so fast that the
driver couldn't pull up till he was a
mile past the burning house?"
Brown smiled in a superior fash
ion. "My dear fellow, that's nothing," ,
he said. "One day two men were
working on a church steeple in my
-city, and suddenly one of them slip
ped. A terrible death would have been
Tiis, only, fortunately, a spectator had
the presence of mind to calf the fire
brigade on the telephone, and they
came just in time to. catch him in a
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