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Newspaper Page Text
THE PESTERING OF HEARST BY
We should not envy the great.
They have their troubles. Take our
ever delightful friend, Willyum Ran
dolluf Hearst, for example. Ah,
there's a great man. "We don't have
to prove it. He admits it.
Willyum lives in a beautiful man
sion on Riverside Drive, New York.
The family jewels also live there.
Willyum ik great on sassiety func
tions. His long suit is entertaining
the great and near-great and telling
about it hx his newspaper sassiety
But the landscape near Willyum's
mansion is marred by two railroads.
One. is the New York Central, and the
other is the New York, New Haven &
Hartford. The rude engines of these
railroads emit black smoke; and the
unfeeling wind blows that smoke
over into Willyum's back yard. In
that smoke is more or less soot; and
this thoughtless soot rudely lights on
Willyum's silk underwear and pa
jamas when the hired girl hangs
them out on the line to dry.
Not content with this malicious
destruction of property by the soot
that belches from the smoke-stacks
of the engines, in defiance of all the
etiquettical rules of polite sassiety,
the engines blow their whistles. And
the noise is so ear-splitting at times
that Willyum can't hear his own
voice when he is delivering an elo
quent address of welcome or thanks
to himself, in a few well-chosen
words, for ha ring kindly regulated
the universe to suit himself.
All of which greatly annoys Our
Therefore the great man wants the
New York Central and the New York,
New Haven & Hartford Railroads re
moved from the map and taken off
the scenery which surrounds his pa
latial shack; and, until such is duly
done, Our Hero will continue to write
pieces in his papers about those'rude
to just lke thisr WILLIAM RAN
We are inclined to think Willyum's
point of order is well taken. True,
the scenery and the railroads were
there before Willyum arrived; and
there are many people who want to
get in and out of New York on the
railroads, but it is also important that
the ears of our great men be pro
tected from rude noises and their un
derwear from despoiling soot.
And our great men should not be
disturbed when making speeches to
themselves. Nor should Willyum be
disturbed when reading cablegrams
of thanks from the Ahkoond of Swat,
or the Gazzazzum of Allagazzam,
very properly thanking him for hav
ing rammed his left hind leg through
the fourth dimension, or having sen
Mutt and Jeff to the coronation of
the Emporer of B'Gosh.
Soon or late the railroad maggots
of Wall street must learn that they
cannot with impunity, soot, smoke
and noise monkey or otherwise tam
per with Mr. Hearst's scenery, his ear
drum, or his family washing.
THAT AWFUL MOMENT
railroads, and sign his name there- j