Search America's historic newspaper pages from 1836-1922 or use the U.S. Newspaper Directory to find information about American newspapers published between 1690-present. Chronicling America is sponsored jointly by the
National Endowment for the Humanities and the Library of Congress. external link Learn more
Image provided by: University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign Library, Urbana, IL
Newspaper Page Text
IT GQT BETTER
- "If you please, sir," remarked little
Tommy, one afternoon when school
was over, "father says he's going to
kill a pig and would like to know if
you can do with a joint?"
!- "Certainly I can," replied the
schoolmaster. "I'm very fond of pork.
cTell your father to send along a loin;
r)3uni have it for my Sunday dinner."
UBut the meat did not arrive, and,
in consequence, the schoolmaster's
Sunday meal was of the scratch va
riety. On Monday morning, there
fore, he questioned little Tommy and
reprimanded him for his forgetful-ness.
Forget!" replied the youngster. "I
dn't forget The fact is, father didn't
.kill the pig; it got better!"
tXl Ttalierhted Ynune Tadv Oh. T nnnlri
iff dance to heaven with you.
gSpw Young Man And can you reverse?
fl HY. VOT a APPETITE
ALTOGETHER TOO OLD
The hostelry was very old and fa
mous. Belonging to it were all man
ners of interesting memories. And
on these the landlord traded. Really,
the place had very little else to com
mend it. Accommodation was inade
quate, food bad, charges excessive.
Now cheapness, comfort, plenty of
food, and good' fishing were the only
things about which young Jenkins,
when in pursuit of the ,wily salmon,
He wasn't a little bit impressed,
therefore, when mine host showed
him to a miserable bedroom and vol
unteered the information that Lord
Nelson once had slept there.
"Urn!" was his blunt reply. His
torical associations had no interest
"And that chair," continued the
landlord, still unperturbed, "was the
very chair in which the great sailor
"And," remarked Jenkins, "that
ham sandwich which you offered me
when I arrived was, I suppose, the
same one that he refused? If so, I'm
with him. Can't say I fancied the
look of It myself."
Little Tommy at school was being
examined in geography.
"Now, Tommy," said his teacher,
"if your left hand is west and your
right is east and in front of you is
north, what is behind you?"
Tommy wriggled about and finally
"Well, the whole class can see it's
a patch I have in me trousers. You
don't need to point it out"
"Shall we have a eugenic marriage,
dear?" he asked. "Well, for my
part," she replied, "I don't think it is
necessary. I've been operated on for
appendicitis, I've been treated with
antitoxin and I have a vaccination
mark that i& as big as a quarter."