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Newspaper Page Text
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A lady, whose husband was the
champion snorer of the community
in which they resided, confided to a
female friend the following painful
"My life has not been one of un
alloyed delight. I have had the mea
sles, chicken-pox, typhoid fever,
rheumatism, and influenza; but I
never knew what real misfortune was
--until I married a burglar alarm."
A man purchased some red flan
nel shirts, guaranteed not to shrink.
He reminded' the salesmen forcibly of
the guarantee some weeks later.
"Have you had any difficulty with
them?" the latter asked.
"No," replied the customer, "only
the other morning, when I was dress
ing, my wife said to me, 'John, where
did you get that pink coral neck
Mrs. Keene was very much a bride,
in fact she had only just been mar
ried and knew absolutely nothing at
all about household matters. Imagine
her consternation, then, when her
cook left her suddenly on the morn
ing of the very day that four guests
were expected to arrive for dinner.
Of course, Mrs. Keene rushed
round and managed to secure a tem
porary maid. But to prepare dinner
for six' proved to be a task altogether
beyond the newcomer's capabilities.
So, descending to the kitchen, where
she found the girl struggling with a
coffee-machine, the mistress volun
teered to be of some assistance.
"Now, what can I do first?" she
"Well, mum," confessed the maid,
"I haven't washed the lettuce yet.
You might do that."
"All right, Delia," said Mrs. Keene.
"But please keep calm, and I will help
you. Now, you get on with the coffee.
I'll wasli the lettuce.
"Delia, where have you put the
A well-dressed lady having given
the signal that she desired to alight
the street car was brought to a stop,
but just so that the rear step was
directly over a small mud puddle. The
lady looked an instant, and then
"How do you think I can get oft
The conductor replied:
"I cannot tell you, madam, but I
do know that we can't wait until that
puddle dries up."
'Miss Ethel," he began, "or Ethel, I
mean l ye known you long enough
to drop the 'Miss,' haven't I?
She fixed her lovely eyes upon him
with a meaning gaze.
"Yes, I think you have, she said.
What prefix do you wish to substi-