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Newspaper Page Text
ONE MAN'S OPINIONS
BY N. D. COCHRAN.
Our Famous Censor. Major FUnk
houser, who fought, hied ahd died on.
dress parade in the state militia for
that title, is probably the greatest lit
tle censor of the movies Chicago has
ever produced since Jeremiah O'Con
.nor wanted to dress Miss September
Morn in a Mother Hubbard gown.
He held up Shakespeare's "Mer
chant of Venice" until a committee of
our leading and most highbrow Jew
ish citizens made up their minds
whether it was safe for the great
American public to see the noble Shy
lock exacting that pound of meat.
And then he called upon a com
mittee of U. S. army officers to pass
on a film in which an army officer
was pictured as both traitorous and
drunk. Of course, the army film got
I have been wondering what would
happen if somebody tried to put over
a film of Mary and her Little Lamb.
Would our hero, the Major, call on
a committee of Marys, schoolteach
ers or lambs?
Of course, it isn't important. I
just wondered. I'm for censorship
strong. And I'm very fond of majors.
Especially when they are Punk
housers. And it is very important
that the people have their morals
either cold-storaged or properly man
icured and massaged.
But I want to help the-'Major out.
In the event that certain of the class
ics might be put in films and sub
mitted to his censorship, I offer the
following suggestions free gratis for
Old Mother, Hubbard. Close the
cupboard and cut out the bone. There
might be doctors in the audience and
the bone might incite them to sur
gery. Can the dog. .
Mary's Little Lamb. Omit .the
lamb. Og Armour might be in the
theater and wonder who stole the
lamb from the stockyards'. Besides it
might stimulate hunger and ' make
more work for the United Charities.
Macbeth. Cut out Banquo's ghost
Children should not be tempted to be
lieve in ghosts. Put bean soup in the
witches' caldron and make the
witches change language to eeny-meeny-mjney-moe.
Blow out Lady
Macbeth's candle and JhanA her a
Count of Monte Cristo. Cut out
prison scene. It leads to thoughts of
crime. Have the hero .escape from a
First Ward boarding house. The
criminal thought will be more subtle
and get over the heads of children.
Instead of killing his enemies have
the count hand them money and say
Ten Nights in a Bar Room. Cut
out the booze.
William Tell. Cut out the bow and
arrow and have William shoot the
apple off the .boy's bean with a bil
liard cue. Chalk the cue.
Othello. Cut out the smother. act
Have the Moor handing Desdemona
a bunch '6f violets.
Merchant of Venice. Make Shy
lock a Hindu. Not many of them in
this country. Cut out the pound of
meat and old Shy. won't need to.
Cut ou Portia from court scene and
give the case to Charlie Erbstein.
Uncle Tom's Cabin. ;Cut the ice
away from Eliza and call a taxi. Muz
zle the bloodhounds.
protects Names of boys of
Indianapolis, March 25. When
Chief of Police Perrott walked into
the turnkey's office and saw there
names of three boys of prominent
families, slated on statutory charges,
he ordered the turnkey to erase the
names. Three fictitious ones were
o o .
"Alas! Mexico has no war poet,"
says a coffee-colored patriot from
Sonora. She'd only hang 'em if she
had. A country that has a new war
every 3.0 days can't hope to breed