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STILL BIFFING SANDY
One day out at Delmar two horses
were coming down the home
stretch, nose and nose, but when they
reached the wire one of the horses
stuck out his tongue and won the
"That, gentleman," remarked a by-
'stander, "was the closest race I ever
"That's nothing," remarked anoth
er man. "I lived in Scotland two
years, and that's the closest race I
fever saw." Pittsburgh Chronicle.
r EVERYDAY WHOPPERS
"So glad to have met you."
"Call and see us some time."
"Sorry, but I just lent Blank mv
"Our side lost, but we won a great
'Money always burned a hole in
"When I was young, children never
did such things." Columbia State.
ON THE BRINK
It was the season of Lent, and the
vicar of a certain village church was
solemnly and impressively exhorting
his congregation to self-examination,
abstinence, and repentance. The
beadle, who is accustomed to sit be
low the pulpit, is locally renowned as
the owner of the biggest mouth in
the district. Unfortunately he felt
sleepy, and yawned at a very critical
and impressive part of the minister's
'Tause, my 'brethren, at this sol
emn season of Lent, before it is too
late," exclaimed the preacher, "or
you may be dragged into the abyss
which is now yawning before you."
There was a suppressed titter in
the congregation, the preacher look
ed surprised, and the beadle a little
DEMANDED AN EXPERT
Behind the counter stood the phar
macists's assistant, a boy of about
r "I wish to see your master, boy,"
demanded a lady.
"He's down town," replied the lad
"But I can serve you with anything
you want, madam."
"Oh,- indeed!" sniffed the aristo
crat "I think I had better go. some
where else, all the same!"
"But I can serve you, I assume you,
madam! What did you require?"
"Well, I don't see how a boy of your
age can possibly take the place of a
qualified prescription clerk, but I sup
pose it can't be helped. I want a cake
of soap, please!"
It was on a long railway journey,
and for six hours he had sat opposite
a solitary traveling companion, and
not a word had been spoken. "Ex
cuse me," was his opening, "but are
you an Englishman?" "Yes," rapped
out the stranger. "Oh, then, I beg
your pardon!" And after that tho
long journey was completed in silence.
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