A WIFELY COME-BACK
"I intended to call Bridget to bring
a fresh bucket of water," remarked
the professor's wife. (
"You doubtless mean a bucket of
fresh, water," corrected the pro
fessor. "I wish you would pay some
attention to your rhetoric; your mis
takes are curious."
A few moments later the professor
said :( "My dear, that picture would
show to better advantage, if you were
to hang it over the clock."
"Ah," she replied, quietly, "you
doubtless mean if I were to hang it
above the clock. If I were to hang
it,over the clock we couldn't tell the
AIN'T NATURE WONDERFUL
A TOUGH BIRD
A good story is told of a sporting
gentleman who entered a restaurant
and ordered a chicken.
The chicken was evidently tough,
for when the waiter came"in he be
held the gentleman in a great state
"Waiter," he said, "this chicken is
"Very sorry, sir. That chicken was
always a peculiar bjrd. Why, when
we came to kill it we couldn't catch
it, so at last we had to shoot it It
flew on the housetops, and "
"Ah, by Jove, that accounts for it.
You must have shot the weathercock
Physician (looking into his ante
room, where a number of patients
are waiting) Who has been waiting
Tailor (who has called to present
a bill)' I have, doctor, I delivered the
clothes to you three years ago.
High There's Fred Scads over
there. He made a million In the
street last year.
Hieh I don't know, but he-inarip.
-Football used to be a game only
for the brave, fearless and brainless,
but In these days of maniac auto
drivers anf street cars suffering
from 'acute indigestion of human
beings, participating in a football
game is looked upon by the poor
1916 goof as a rest
l The game isn't like it used to be.
It's more modern like the war.
In the old days when a fellow was
hurt he was picked up and carried
to the sidelines, and it ,was up to
him either to live or die. But now
after 3. scrimmage, when the pile of
players is unravelled like a bunch of
spaghetti and a player is found with
his head three feet in the turf he is
picked out with a vacuum cleaner,
set on a flivver equipped with a pul
motor and operated on during the
ride off the field. If he dies on the
wax there's a coroner's jury and a
satin-lined box with silver handles
ready on the sidelines.
Don't you think the game has ad
vanced a lot, Leopold?
00 - j
"You remember that chap Jones,
who made a bet'of $lfl,000 that he
would walk from San Francisco to
New York without a cent In his
"Yes. Did he win the bet?"
"Not quite. He got as far as here,
was arrested as a vagrant and forced
against his will to ride three blocks
in a patrol wagon. That disqualified
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