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!C 5 S? 4, SavrW Hf$& W I
WRITTEN FOR THE FfNDAT REPUBLIC.
"All the world's a stage." and most of the
stage Just now Is a Joke.
Or, rather. It Is a good many Jokes, for
the vaudeville artist has begun his winter
season's work, and he has with him a Ions
string of Jokes. And they are pretty good
Jokes, so far as the SL Louis part of the
stage Is concerned. There are some old
friends In new faces, of course; even the
Jokemaker cannot work along the lines of
new Ideas all the- time and altogether. But
where there are old Jokes worked over,
they are bo well worked over that there la
little of the old form left.
The Jokemaker has been very busy during
the summer. He has reeled off Jokes In
large quantities. True, some will have to
be heard pretty early In the season, or they
never will be- heard, for there Is an cna
to tho life of a poor Joke, even if the ex
istence of the pood Joko we heard in child
hood seems to be perpetual. But that Is no
argument against the Industry of the Joke
maker. But the Jokemaker Is through -with his
summer work now. and the products of his
labor are In the hands of the vaudeville
artists. Soon they will be In the hands of
the public; for the avidity with which the
public pays Its money to hear Jokes Indi
cates that it is determined to allow no
Joke to escape it.
Here are some of the best Jokes of ths
week at the local playhouies:
X" thin young man did all sorts o; funny
tricks with all sorts of funny hats, the
'while he told of a visit to the Insane
' ""The Insane asylum." he explained, "Is
the place where they keep people who are
about 40 cents short up here." (Tapping his
' He consulted his watch while at the asy
" lum, and found it was half-past 4 o'clock.
A moment later he saw by a clock on the
i -wall that it was only 12:30.
"Say, that clock is wrong," he said to an
"If it was right, do you think it would
be here?" waa the answer he got.
" Presently he met a man trundling a
" wheelbarrow. The bed of the vehicle was
" turned upside down.
' "My friend," said the vi3itar. "yourwheel--'
barrow is upside down. Turn It over."
"No no." mumbled the ldot who was
'. 'Why not? That Is the way It belongs."
"That's what somebody told me yesjer
aw. day. I turned it the right way, and pretty
A- soon somebody loaded it with bricks. No
Afterwards they discussed muslca number
of .personages who are birds in guaeu.
I -WHAT QUALIFIES A
MANY POINTS INVOLVED.
IN THE FORTHCOMING ELECTION.
L " He Must Not Have a BetNor
' VRrTTEN FOR THE SUNDAY REPUBLIC.
Now Uwt the campaign season, with its
electioneering, its party cries and Its -crop
of candidates, is upon us. it is timely to
run briefly over the laws goerning elec
tions and qualifications. So many misunder
standings exist relative to the forms and
ceremonies necessary for a man to pass
through before he can cast his voto that a
brief recapitulation of tho laws seems in
To begin with, those who are entitled to
voto are thus defined in the law governing
the qualifications of voters:
Every mala citizen of the United States
and every male person of foreign birth who
may have declared his Intention to become
e. citizen of the United States, according
to law, not lees than one year nor more
than five years before he offers to vote, who
Is over the age of 21 years, who has resided
In tho State one year next preceding the
election at which he offers to vote, and dur
ing the lost sixty days of the time shall
have resided In the city where such election.
Is held, and during the last twenty days of
that time in the precinct at which he- offers
to vote, who has not been convicted of rob
bery, perjury or other Infamous crime, or of
a misdemeanor connected with the right of
suffrage, nor directly Interested In any bet
or. wager depending upon the result of the
election, nor an officer, soldier or marina in
the regular army or navy of tho United
States, nor while kept at any poorhauso or
other asylum at public expense, nor while
confined In any publlo prison, shall be en
titled to vote at such election, for all offi
cers. State or municipal, made elective by
the people, or at other elections held In
pursuance of the laws of tho State; but
shall not vote elsewhere than in the precinct
where his name is registered, and whereof
he Is registered as a resident.
In regard to the matter of qualifying.
INSTRUCTIONS TO JUDGES.
When an applicant presents himself for registration he shall first be sworn as
"Tou do solemnly swear (or affirm) that you win fully and truly answer all
such questions as shall be put to you touching your place of residence, name.
place of birth, your qualifications as an elector, and your right as such to regls-
ter and vote under the laws of this State; so help you God."
Then ask him the following questions:
L Where do you live?
X 2. What Is your full name?
X 3. Are you 21 years of age, or will you bo on the day of election?
t-4. Where were you born? If of foreign birth they must produce evidence of
citizenship, unless tho parents are or were citizens of tho United States.
X B. How long have you lived In the city?
J 6. How long have you lived In the State?
T 7. Are you serving In the United States Army or Navy7
X (This does not .apply to the Volunteer Service. Volunteers arc entitled to
J 8. Are you directly Interested In any bet or wager depending upon the result
of the ensuing election?
9. Have you ever been convicted of bribery, perjury or other Infamous crime
X or misdemeanor connected with tho right of suffrage?
J Note Where the applicant's papers are lost or destroyed, he must procure cer-
T tilled copies of them or make affidavit that he is unable to do so, with the reasons
X why. The eligibility of the person applying for registration shall be determined
by a majority of the Judges.
. ..ti, .
cages." Admiral Dewey was declared to
he one of these, and this sage conclusion Is
"If Dewey were President, he would give
the White House away."
"I live In a flat," Is Information volun
teered by another.
"Have you any children?"
No; the elevator is out of order, and I
can't raise them."
"A man In my part of town dropped 150
feet from a window to tho granitoid side
walk." "Heavens! Killed instantly. I suppose."
"No; he wasn't hurt.'
"They were pigs" feet."
"My wife i a fire dancer."
"Good business; where is she playing this
"Ob. she's booked for the season at one
"Where Is she?"
"Did you ever see my fat butcher?"
"That great big fellow ?"
"Oh, I know him well. Gigantic fellow.
Wonder what he weighs?"
One member of a "team," who declares
he Is an actor, engages the other member,
who says he is not an actor, to take part
with him In the presentation of a melo
drama. "There are sixteen acts to the play," he
explains, "and I kill you once In each act."
"Do you think I will last?"
After an interesting mlx-up In the first
act of the melodrama. In the course of
which the novice Is rolled across tho stage
and fetches up against a piece of furniture,
"Are you hurt?"
"Don't know; I'll consult my lawyer."
Suicide Is contemplated or a duel, which
Is expected to result the same way.
"If I am to die, I must have food!" he
So I may dl-gest right."
Same scene later:
"What would you like to eat?"
"Walt: I'll go order the St. Louis baseball
team for you."
The duel is ended, and a card gams is In
"Can you change a fiver'
"I can't change my shirt."
Sams scene later. The dealer has dealt;
Can He Have a Criminal Record.
Secretary C L. Hoblltzelle of the Pard of
Election Commissioners has stated that
when the period of qualification laid down
by law expires on the day of election for
aliens or minors, as the case may be, the
person affected may still vote by qualifying
on the day of election. It will require some
hustling to get the matter arranged In time,
no doubt, but this method of saving one's
voto will be a boon to many whoso age or
period of residence in the country forces
them to bring things down to such a fine
It may also be stated that unless a man
regards his vote lightly and Is willing to
forfeit It he should be careful about chan
ging his place of abode during the month
previous to election day. Tho law provides
that a man must have lived ono year in the
State, sixty days in the ward and twenty
days In the precinct before he Is entitled to
a vote. Therefore. If any man changes hte
residence nineteen days beforo the election
and moves into another precinct, he loses
Registration of voters Is also obligatory
In the city. Every voter must register with
the Board of Registration before he can
cast his ballot, and the present Is an ex
cellent time for this to be done. Registra
tion Is now going on at the City Hall and
will continue until October 6. Any voter may
register at the main office, irrespective of
the precinct wherein he lives. The registra
tion In the various precincts will take place
on October 8, 13 and 16, and each voter mu3t
then register In hU own precinct. As a
final resource for those who have missed at
tho two previous registrations, a special
registration will be held at the main offlco
in the City Hall on November 1, 2 and 3.
when the reasons presented by the unregis
tered voters for being given a last chance
will be considered.
The present campaign will possess the old
familiar features of those that have gone
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JULIA MARLOWE'S newest photograph, taken by the Rose photographers
Marlowe will soon reappear in "Barbara Frietchie," to follow it
jjJ "When Knighthood Was in Flower."
before, ard. in spite of changes which have
taken place In our territorial limits, the
class and variety of voters will be the same
as always, practically. It was thought dur
ing the war with Spain that tho immigra
tion from the West Indies might be suffi
ciently stimulated by contact with tho
Americans to make the vote of former Cu
bans or Porto Rlcans a feature. If not a
factor. In the coming election. But the Im
migration from those countries lias been so
extremely slight that It is not likely to be
even n noticeable feature.
A feature of the coming election Is the
contest for the German vote. Each party
has hopes of catching the vote of the great
mass of the German-American residents,
and November 6 will show which side Is
basing Its hopes on the surest foundation.
Another feature which will prevail In States
where woman suffrage exists will be the
efforts of the local candidates to catch tho
feminine vote by various devices, as It Is
suspected that an attractive personal ap
pearance weighs as much with the average
woman voter as any party questions.
The same characters will spring into tem
porary prominence within the next two
months as always. We will see the corner
orator delivering his Impassioned address to
the crowds and obstructing the streets at
the same time. The negro politician will also
be In evidence, swelled with the Importance
which the temporary equality accorded him
by the Republican leaders brings in Its
The familiar brass bands, political meet
ings and epidemic of promises by the Re
publican party will also be In order. The
much-used campaign expresions will be
dragged to the front by every stump speak
er of limited vocabulary, and. after using
them a few times, he will acquire the air
of ownership while delivering them, as if
they were original with him.
There will be the usual array of cam
paign episodes, of course. The Inevitable
street flgbts will take place In the region
of Morgan street, as always, and there will
be the customary number of negroes who
will complain bitterly of Democratic op
pression because the challengers of that
party will only let them vote In their own
precinct and will prevent their casting of
ballots at the thirteen other polling place
which they visit. The smiling Chinaman
will also present himself hopefully, having
been promised a reward by some practical
Joker If he votes for one of tho candidates.
Then, m the same line, there will be tho
bland and unconscious foreigner, unnatural
ized and unregistered, who, nevertheless,
presents himself smilingly, like the China
man, to cast a vote. It may be well to give
here the laws which prevail concerning nat
uralization. Tho laws of the t'nlted States
upon the subject are as follows:
The alien must declare upon oath before
a Circuit Court of the United States or a
District or Supreme Court of the Territories,
or a court of record of any of the Suites
having common-law Jurisdiction and a soal
and clerk, two years at least prior to his
admission, that It is. bona fide, his Intention
to become a citizen of the United States
and to renounce forever all allegiance and
fidelity to any foreign Prince or state, arid
particularly to the one of which he may be
at the time a citizen or miliject.
He must at the tlrrie of his application to
be admitted declare upon oath, before some
one of the courts above specified, "that he
will support the Constitution of the United
States, and that he absolutely and entirely
renounces and abjures all allegiance and
fidelity to every foreign Prince, potentate,
state or sovereignty of which he was be
fore a citizen or subject," which proceedings
must be recorded by the clerk of the court.
If it shall appear to the satisfaction of
the court to which the alien has applied
that he has made a declaration to become
a citizen two years before applying for final
papers, and has resided continuously within
the United States for at least five years,
and within the State or Territory where
such court la at the time held one year at
least, and that during that time he has be
haved ns a man of good moral character,
attached to the principles of the Conotltu
tlon of the United States and well disposed
to tha good order and happiness of the
same, he will be admitted to citizenship.
If the applicant has borne any hereditary
title or order of nobility, he must make an
express renunciation of the same at the
time of his application. An honorable dis
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M.W.V.H .n Miwtiifi gMBJUtea
5n Providence, R. I., recently. Miss
with a production,
charge from the army of the United States
entitles the applicant to become a citizen
tipon his petition without any previous
declaration of Intention, provided he has re
sided in the United States at least one year
previous to his application and Is of good
The children of persons who have been
duly naturalized, being under the age of
II years at tho time of the naturalization of
their parents, shall, it dwelling In the
United States, be considered ns citizens
thereof. The children of person who now
or have been citizens of the United States
are. though born out of the limits and Juris
diction of tho United States, considered as
The above details cover about all tho
necessary points to be observed during the
coming election, and the point which is
most emphasized by the Election Commis
sioners Is the necessity for every voter reg
istering before he appears at the polls.
RAXDOLPIT6 LITERARY TASK
rrom Collier's Weekly.
American statesmen have, as a rule, been
men of marked literary proclivities, who
have surrounded themselves with libraries
of great value. To this rule there Is ono
notable exception In the gifted Andrew
Jackson, whose list of books ranged from
Barlow's "Colurablad" to a small edition
of the "Devil on Two Sticks," and Includ
ed both a copy of the Penny Encyclopae
dia and Mrs. Gaston's Cook Book. The cel
ebrated John Randolph of Roanoke was his
antithesis, and In his love for books and
literary allusions Involved himself in many
acrimonious disputes, on, of which result
ed In his famous duel with Clay. The duel
aroso from a comparison of Clay nnd
Adams as a coalition to that of Bllfll and
Black George In Meld lug's novel. "Tom
Jones," which Randolph referred to as a
combination unknown until then of Puritan
nnd Blackleg. His reading was extensive,
but of a rambling nature; he had few fa
vorites, though he could not stand "Tom
Moore's sentimental ditties, which were nil
Ideal anil above nature." The poet himself
ho described as a wit. and a spruce, dapper
little fellow. Randolph was unchangeable
In his literary views, steadfast in believ
ing himself Incapable of error In such mat
ters, carrying this conviction so far that
ho actually di&mlsped his doctor upon his
deathbed because the latter disagreed with
him about the pronunciation of certain
his hand was unsatisfactory, and he has
taken the deck for a big draw; still doubt
ful of tho strength of his hand a compared
with that of his opponent, he helps himself
from the other hand, and gives the Inno
cent one n pair of ileuccs.
"What kind of a gamo li this?
"It's a Mark Hanna game."
Same scene later:
"I'll bet you J3 on that proporlti'.n."
I ah ngnt; n I lose you will only one me
"I was surprised at the way In which
you hehaved at church. When Father
Dempcy came around with tho basket
taking up a collection for coal. I put In a
dollar. What did you do? You Just wlnkeil
"Why didn't you give something?"
"Do you think I'm fool enough to give up
money for coal for the church, when the
church Is heated by steam?"
Same scene lat'r:
"I will !et J7.300.4S3 on my hand."
"How much Is that?"
Same scene later:
"Do you know how to play cards?"
"Make my living that way."
"Well, you haven't long to live."
There is a lengthy argument over the dis
appearance of 111.
"I can hold my own." said the suspect.
"And mine, too."
"I don't want any more, now." (threaten
ingly). Tou can't get any more; It was all I
"Will you let It go?"
"It's already gone."
The theft of a pig Is charged and admit
ted. "What will you do when you get to St.
Peter's gate? There will be yourself asking
to get In: and there will be McCarthy and
McCarthy's pig as witnesses against you.
What are you going to do when McCarthy
says It Is his pig?"
"Why. I'll tell him he can have It."
A wonderful hunting story Is told:
I had been out all morning, and had not
en a thing. Finally I fell asleep under tho
,tade of a spreading tree by the side of a
irul stream. After a time I was
Wved by the chirping of birds. I opened
is. and there. In the branches above
ve Innumerable robins. Without
from the ground. I took elm and
The bullet from my rifle split one of
i branches for nearly Its full length.
HOW TO FRIGHTEN THE
HATED MOSQUITO AWAY.
Of the remedies In use In houses to keep
mosquitoes away the burning of pyrethrum
powder and the catching of mosquitoes on
tho walls in keroene cups are probably
the best, next to a thorough screening and I
mosquito bars about the bt-d. In burning
pyrethrum powder It Is well to moliten tho
powder sufficiently with water so that It
can bo molded roughly Into little cones
about tho size of a chocolate drop, says
a writer In the New York Pros. These
cones are placed on a pan nnd dried In the
oven. If Ignited at the apex the cones
smolder slowly, ghlng off an odor not un
like that of the prepared punk which boys
In this country use to light firecrackers.
Two or three of these cones burned In a
room in tho evening will give relief by
stupefying the mosquitoes. This smoke ap
pears to be perfectly innocuous to human
beings. Doctor Howard has breathed it
evening after evening without the slight
est perceptible HI effect.
The method of catching mosquitoes on
the ceilings with kerosene In cups Is In
much use In different parts of the country.
No ono seema to know who Invented it.
The top of a tin baking powder box is in
verted rfnd nailed to the end of a stick of
sufficient length to reach to the celling. A
small quantity of kerosene Is put Into this
Improvised cup and the apparatus Is
pushed up under resting mosquitoes, which
fall into the kerosene and are destroyed.
It Is the custom In many houses to hunt
for mosquitoes systematically in the bed
rooms with such an apparatus every night
Camphor rubbed on the face and hands
or a few drops upon the pillow at night
will keep mosquitoes away for a time, and
this also Is a well-known property of oil
of pennyroyal. The use of oil of pepper
mint, lemon Juice and vinegar has been
recommended as a protection against mos
quitoes, while oil of tar, ns used against the
black fly In Canada. Is used In bad mos
quito localities. Strongly comphorated
vaseline, although recommended, has been
found by Doctor Nuttall to be of scarcely
any use In Canada.
During the summer of 1S99 some of the
substahces recommended were as follows:
Kucalyptol on tho skin, with a handker
chief saturated with It placed on the pillow
at night the result of South African experi
ence. Carbolated vaseline.
One drop of oil of lavender on pillow and
one on the head at night.
Piece cf cotton wool soaked In oil of cloves
on each side of the bed curtains.
Aroint skin with three parts refined par
affin and ere part crushed camphor.
OU of eucalyptus and creosote, each five
drops, to be thoroughly mixed with one
ounce of glycerin.
Place a fine. Juicy, uncooked beefsteak
near the bed on retiring.
Doctor E. O. Peck of New Jersey says
that he had found glycerin a sovereign cure
for tho bites. Touch the bite with glycerin,
and in a few minutes the pain Is gone. Ac
cording to Doctor Peck. It takes the pain
from bee stings also. Doctor Charles A.
Nash of New York says that whenever a
mosquito bites him ho rubs the spot and
marks It with a lump of indigo. This, he
says, "instantaneously renders the bite ab
solutely of no account," whether the appli
cation is made Immediately, the next day.
The branch wn covered with birds, an4
when the wood started apart their fet and
leg dropped into the silt, which immediate
ly clo.sed. I countrj IS robins aa my cap
tives as the result of that one shit."
The other hunting ptory li a little differ
ent: "I. too. had fallen asleep, under a gooss
berry tree, beside a cre-ek. When I awoks
the first object that met my gaze was n
great big buck deer. I put my rifle to my
shoulder and took aim. Just then I heard
a terrific quacking off to my risht. and.
turning, saw a great flock of duck3. I tooic
aim at the deer again, when my attention
was attracted by a wild squawking off to
my left. It came from a large Hock cf
geese. I took aim at the deer again, and
tht time my attention wa claimed by a
hissing and rattling at my feet. I looked
down and saw a big rattle-snake. Without
stopping to take aim, I pressed the trig
ger." "What was the result?"
"The gun bursted. Tho bullet killed the
buck: the trigger entered the rattlesnake's
throat and killed It; the barrel of the gun
was hurled Into the Hock or ducks and
killed fifty of them; the stock of the gun,
hurled In the other direction, struck amid
the flock of geese and killed forty; and I
was blown two miles Into th woods, fell
Into a drove of rabbits and smashed the
life out of 317 of them."
A rough-and-tumble family quarrel hvj
forced the man to retreat to "left front."
J where he was hugging a pillar of the pro
She: "And while I was here In the house
hard at work, you were standing on the
street corner. What were you doing?"
He: "Keeping out of my own way."
She: Td as soon smash you as anybody
He: "Please extend your list of acquaint
ances." She: "I could lick you if you were twice as
He: "Well, I'm not going to grow to ac
She: "I'd as soon fight as eat."
He: "Well, then, starve."
The boss called to the cook to come up
stairs. "I can't." he answered.
" "Cause a stove lid Is broken, and I tav
to sit on the stove so th Are will draw."
Same scene, later:
"My brother Is sexton at the post office."
"What are the duties of a post office Bex
"To lay out the dead letters."
or the day after. He has used It since 1S7J.
and lives In a New Jersey town, where, h
writes, ""mosquitoes are a pest overy year."'
He finds the same application to give relief
from the stings of the yellow Jacket. House
hold ammonia has been found by many per
sons to give relief.
It should pleae every American truly that
of the ZA known species of mosquitoes only
about thirty havo been found in the United
TIIE FIGHT OF
Krnest Sexton Thompson. In Scrlbner"s.
TITO howled the long howl for help tha
"Yap Yap Yap Yah Yah Yah-h-h-h-tt
Yap Yap Yap Yap Yah Yah-h-h-h-h,"
and made the buttes around re-echo to
that Jake could not tell where It came
from, but some one else there was that
heard and did know whence It came. The
dog's courage revived en hearing some-j
thing like a faraway shout. Again he
sprang at the little one. but again the
mother balked him with her own body, and
then they closed In deadly struggle. "OM
If Saddleback would only come." but no.
one came, and now she had no further
chance to call. Weight is everything In a
closing fight, and Tito soon went down,
bravely fighting to the last, but clearly
worsted, and the hound's courage grew
with tho sight of victory, and all he
thought of now wai to finish her and then
kill her helpless baby In its turn. He had
no ears or eyes for any other thing, till
out of the nearest sage there flashed a
streak of gray, and In a trice the big
voiced coward was hurled bark by a foe
almost as heavy at himself. Hurled back,
with a crippled shoulder dash-chop nnd
stanch old Saddleback sprang on hlia
again. Tito struggled to her feet. ind they
closed on him together. His courage fled
at once when he saw the odds, and all he
wanted now wns safe escape escape fro"1
Saddleback, whose speed Is like the wind
escape from Tito whose baby's life was nt
stake. Not twenty Jump away did he get
not breath enough had he to howl for help
to his master In the distant hills not fif
teen yards away from her little one that
he meant to tear, they tore him all to bits.
lYcm tfce Touth's Companion.
More and more- are Christians coming to
feel the evils of sectarian controversy: but
the evils, although lessened, still exist, and
we must accept wltn humility the Judgment
recently pass-ed upon us by an Indian war
rior worthy of our respect.
Chief Joseph of the Nez Tcrces Is a noble
type of his race. For a long time ho was an
enemy of the white man. but his warfart
was always honorable. With a small band
of braves he defleel tho power of the United
States for a summer, and led General How
ard a chise over the mountains that has
few pprallMs in warfare.
At length ids surrender came, and since
then he ha? kipt his ticaty with the great
father at Washington 1 oth In letter and In
splri . He believes that our Government
li3S not done Its whole duty by his reople,
and not Ions ogc he wvnt to Washington to
plead their caue in perron. He begs for
scroolhouse3 on hlf rcscMntlon, hut
churches he does not want. Having been
crted why he wished to exclude churches,
he tepll-d that he reared lest the Chris
tian ministers should teach his people to
quarrel about God.
"We quarrel about men, sometimes." said
the old chief, "but we never quarrel about
the Great Spirit. We worship hlin. but W
never quarrel about him."-