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THE REPUBLIC: SUNDAY. WXY 18, 1902. i 4 1 I 1-1 l 1 IfwJil , im&ii -,SJ-aS?&. - k'RiaBHO it HF. WAS CUT Tre professn- i. busily cngigi-1 in his studv and therefore will not receive any call ers Euuo nh th-re is a imjd rapping ai hir door and as it does not cea-e, he goes to the ''or and says, angrily. "Don't you see Uiat I am not at home to-daj ?" rilegende lltaeiter W rap IX SCHOOL Teacher: "Tan too tc'l m- what a secret Is?" Boy (a sausagemakcr's sun): "Yes. What my father makes his sausage of." Flie Bende Hlaetter. ADVICE TO YOUNG DOCTORS Tourur doctors should always hurry along t a. breakneck pace, this gives "the Idea that you are much In request. I.t the patient"! wait a pood time before thv can see you this -n 111 Improve your reputation in the lone run If you are called to at a Tory Influential patient, hire a carriage, if only for half un hour. Tf yt- are at a meeting or concert, al ways pet a frlntl to summon you away in a dreadful hurry Visitor at Insane Asylum: "What made this poor fHow Insane''" Attendant "Because the girl that he loved Jilted him " Visitor: "And what was the cause In the case of No. 9 here" Attendant "O, he married the girl that jilted No. 6!" Das Klcine Witzblatt. Amrndcil f Snit. "How did your Chicaco friend make his tnonej " "Inherited it." "Indeed" "Tes, born with a silver knife in his mouth, as it were." Philadelphia I"resr. Offered ?.o Enronraspmrnt. Apent "Have you need for any licht ninff rod- to-day. sir"" Amateur Farmer: "No. str: I don't pro pot to encuuruKe llshtnins hues on mj" farm. sir." Ohio State Journal. Tlie Written PropnsnI. Scribbles. "I wrote a story once that came near winning; a srrO.W") priie " Ih-Ibbles: "What pide-tracked you"" Scribbles: "The cirl's father." Chicago News. A niClrtilt Case. First lawyer: "How did jou come out In cettlln-; up old Gotrox'E eetateT Becond Lawj-er: "It was a hard strus tle." "Nor "Tes; I haxl hard work to keep the helr from Renins part of the estate." Ohio PtAte Jourr a I. Oricinal. "What an original fellow he Is:" "Yes, He has, mjdo a study of it." nife. A Chee'ful Oiver: "And aren't you golmr to cive your penny for the poor heathen" asked the Sunday school teacher reproving ly. "Oh. I s'pose." replied little Bobble. s,s he held It out relunctantly, "if you think tiey need it wurre "n I do." Ohio State JournaL He; "Wise men hesitate; only fools axe certain." Bhe: "Are ou sure?" He: "I'm quite certain of it:" Then she laughed. Exchange. - I. A-XJO-IiS. Slncular. "My entire clerical force went out on strike westerday." said Bluffman. "That so?" replied the caustic man. "What was his grievance?" Philadelphia Pre? Cettlnc Cirntefnl Glanc-e. She- "Sometimes I think you don't love me any more." He (reproachful!! : "How could I love you any more" Snmerville Journal. Where She Cirnrrnlly Wore It. Of court the conJuetor never knew why she giKgleil when he remarked "Careful, miss; ala) get off a car with your faco In front "Baltimore News. The Only Onn Who Itecaird It So. "Over in Prance tliey hold their elections on Sunday" "This roust make Hunduy a pretty wrious day for the candidates." Just a Illnff. Oty Editor: "Why do ou Insist that the Colonal Is a candidate? Didn't he tell ou fellon-s that ho wasn't" Political Reporter. "Yes; but the very next minute he Invited us to have a drink " Philadelphia Press. Slow Progress. His Doc: "How Is the courtship getting on?" Her Dog: "Not very fast. They still talk about books." Detroit Free Press. Hevolatloaairr. Jlmson: "Where did Whlrler. the great four-revolution otueraaultlst. learn to do Ills act?" Jester: "I believe he used to live In Venezuela." Boston Post. Good Tralnlnr- "There's a boy that'll be Pre-ldent o' the United States soma day"' "Think eo "I know It. Ain't a horse in the country that kin throw him!" Atlanta Constitution. A Qnestlon of Vital Importance. The youns man looked proudly at the Fwet faced girl beside him I "Dearest." he .said. "I would urge you to I marry me at once, but for one horrible. doubt." "A doubt. Edgar? Why, what can It be"" "I will tell you my love. You know what my salary is. You know just what our tx pectutions are. With care we could get along nicely " "Y-s. Hdgar." "We could get along nicely If I could be convinced of one thing." "What is that .Ixlgar?" "Do you can you will you try to get along with out beef?" Hxchange. Slayine: "Fee the lovely solitaire engage ment ring Jack gave me. Isn't It a beauty?" Kdjth: "It certainly 1. By the way,' ilt-ar. what i Jack's occupation?' Mayme- "He lb superintendent of a glass factory " Edyth- "Htm! 1 thought so." Chicago Daily News. K "huii-- 1 t. "I am afraid " said the high-brow ed bard, "that my poetry will nver attract public attention " "Cheer up," said the loyal companion. "Jla-.l)'- vuu'll gel appointed to othce cm- of these days and then everybody will talk about your poetry." Washington Star. A htronsr Hint. "I see that a Southern man is suing a seciet society for JCG.CfO damages because he was Injured riding on a wooden goat." "Thi" ought to make the blamed idiots that want to bo Initiated understand that thej'd better get a little practice m ridln' before they make their dayboo '" Ex change. Th.- liiMiliil. So greatly her doctor's bill bhock-'d her She cried: "I shall have to get better. I mut either get rid of this Dr. Or eNe be forever hi Dr " -Philadelphia Bulletin. Will It Come to Tills? "You admit you stole th- horse?" "Yes. your honor, but there are extenuat ing: circumstances." "What are they?" "I stole the horse for my starving family, your honor." Exchange. Her Nnlilf Ileril. "No wonder he low hr! Didn't she save his life" ".Mercy' How"" "Whr. he said if "-he didn't a-cvpt him he'd go and kill himself, and she took him." Philadelphia Bulletin. JjliIr-ShnTT Difllcnlties. ' "What's the matter now " asked the tat tooed man Yh.' replied the fire eater, "the beard ed 'lady' says he'll get haved if the man ager doesn't pav h:m his last week's sal ary." Philadelphia Bulletin "Is he a verv reckless chauffeur?" "Jteckless" Wh-.. when the town authori ties see him starting they order out the ambulance." Chicago News. "Yes. Pilciier brok' down and had to go away for his health " "What was the matter with him?" "Every complaint known to man." "How could that be?" "He was a rental agent." Indianapolis News. Mrs. Qulzzer- "What did our pastor preach about thl morning. William"" Husband: "About an hour and forty min utes." Ohio State Journal. She: "I want you to see. my new piano the next time vou call " He- "When do you expect to get It"" -'lie: "Oh. In a bout six months." Ch'cago Daily News. "He claims to ! a gaod Jirfge of horse flesh." "So be !. He has lived In a cheap boarding-house for years " Mickey: "Wot made yer quit yer job, Jlmmle?" Jimmie: "Cos de boss had a record of all me relations wot died lat summer, an' he wouldn't let me use none of 'em over again. If I don't git n new job I can't set no ball games." Judge. The Cook: "Ol'm sorry, mum, but the wnlkin' dillgate av th' Suprame o--av Cooks hov ordher"d me f throw up me job" Mrs Subbub CtearfuIIy): "Oh! Norah! What have I done"" The Cook: "Navrthln". mum. but yer fool ish husband got bhaved In a nonunion bar-be"- shop, th' day before yisterday "Brook lyn Ufe. A Pmiltltlilt !.iitiiie. "Don't Kii lmd it !- trwng." she a!;e.l tht great man. 'to have to furnish our nntom-apl- to mi man pei-'stent peopV"" "Oh. no" lie .-in-wT'tl ' mor of tVm send stamps, and I ifti-rn tin .lulograph on a postal card " Baltlmuie ?."--ws. O) The Dog: "Thl sort of thing gives (2) "It's rettimr too k1owt wnnf .!. me the pip! Fat Freddie taking me out ment. That lazy kid would stay there for hours smoking. 1 tee he's tied the cord round his waist, so, s Freddie won't take me home (3) "Blowed If I don't take him!" for exercise. Indeed!" Aunt Sadie: "I fear Robert Is an awfully careless fellow; I heard him say that ho dropped t.W in the street yesterday." Brooklyn Life. Geraldlne: "Pa says his foot i sleep." Gerald: "Tell him not to wake It on my account." The Smart Set Patron: "When am I going to ge.t my dlnner? I'-e been waiting here twenty min utes." Waiter: "That's more than I can tell, sir. and I've been waiting here twenty years." Exchange. A Distinction. "Papa, were we descended from mon keys?" "Not all of us, my boy. some were ascend ed "Detroit Free Press. Scene Anywhere. Customer: "I'd like a piece suitable for a roast " Meat Market Man: "How much, mad am?" Customer. "As much as I can Re for half a dollar. I want to make a roast beef sandwich." Chicago Trlhune. Thr Modrrn Method. "I am writing a Etory of a struggling Inventor." "It won't do." answered the abruptly J critical friend. "Inventors don't struggle nowadays. They let the people who are eager to "buy stock do the struggling." Washington Star. STAGE TTPKS. mm V- -XN V iVw Hot Sootlilnc "Whenever I'm Inclined to los my tem per." said the philosophic man, "I just think to myself: "Oh. there's no use getting mad.' " "So do I." replied the excitable person, "and that makes me all the madder." Philadelphia Press. Tteanoa Enoaich. ' "What reason Is there for the notion that It Is especially unlucky to marry in May?" "I don't know, unless It is that an espe cially large number of people have been married In May." Smart Bet. r .7.xr2E- pilf k Fro-n Moftnfiiiii The young gentleman who is like Irvin-; except wjit-n he In acting Clfrnslnnal Itflirf. Visitor to the Pri-oner. "I supiose this life of jouro in here is a continual torture." Convict: "Oh. no. Not so bad as that. We don't have isitors- every daj. you know." Boston Transcript. A Scientific 1'art. Doctor: "Speaking of your trouble with your husband, do you know that it Is a scientific fact that meat causes- bad tem per?" Mrs. De Jarr: "Oh. vrs. I have noticed It always does, and especially .whn It's burnt." New York Woeklv. A l.uxur? Mlsietl. The man who never makes mistakes Must forfeit much delight; He cannot feel the sweet surprise Of sometimes being right. Washington Star. Ills Cupacltj. "Sirs Talkmgton's husband ought to be a good listener " "He Is He can listen to nearly two hun dred words a minute "Smart Set. iitnrnl Cluf-Mlinn. , Mrs. Hoon (in the midst of her reading): "Ah! Mrs Congrcfman Swackli immer has started a crusade against decollete gowns " Mr. Hfuiii. "H'nr Is .Mrs. Congressman Swackhammer sensible or skinnv?" Smart Set. Tlio !niliNit'nHliIf- llqulnr. Oh. the Ulng niaehine raim" day will fty And thro 'gb th.- ether roam. But on Its collapse The horse, perhaps. Will be asked to haul it home. WnMilnslon Stir. lllt:!mr;;rd. Judge- "Your wife has brought suit against vou for desertion, sir. What have you to pay for jourself?" Arcustd: "It was this way. your Honor: You fa my wife asked me to beat the car I"t and" J'.dge: "Enough, you are discharged." Onio State Journal. A LIFE SAVER. I i -i iv a. -a U I I I i e n ? niaBtk. L ti m4v$y- kv.v - iv vj r ''sf-ikTir'Tr "iriav D'Uvit" v wv :jyvvrrri' 53 l .J i.i. arsgjj SES!4lMi Bulkley tried the garden roller to reduce his weight- But alter his providential "scape from go'ng down lm the we 1 he has decided to lemaln as he Is Election Day in the South. "Well, old man. you're with me In this election, ain't you?" "Marse Jim. did I ever fall your' "No, but one can't always- tell how things are going, you know. Is there anything I can do for yon?" "No. suh not ez I knows on onlesa von got 'bout -lx dollars wuth er hoase rent In yo pocket?" "Here it Is." "En three dollars wuth er groceries" "Here's the money." "En two dollars -wuth er street tax." "I'll fix it." "En a couple er loose dollars, po'i ef I drp dead dey'Il fin' enough in my pocket ter sen me home, In a cab." "Is that .-.!!?' "Oat's all. suh: 'cept dat I so glad ter see you I feeU lak takln' a dram ter drink yo' good heltl" Atlanta Constitution. Rr-clcleae- Damage The parties to the latest French duel were arrcated and Sued for reckless shooting and damaging the public trees. Atlanta Constitution. iZb?' ' O-c" jlakiiiR a Vpnotian niind. An Irishman out of work applied to th "bos" of n large repair shop for a "job." After quizzing him for sum tlm-. the su perintendent put him this question: try sac? Office Boy "I'm getting tired of this job. Here's the boss left roe another epring poet to sweep out." f "Do you know anything about carpen- "Sure. I'd like to see the man that ran bate me at It." "Do you know how to make a Venetian blind"" "I do that " "Tell me. then, how you'd make a Ve netian blind." "Sure, I'd pike me finger In his eye." "What is your fortune, mv pretty maid?" "3Iy face is my fortune. s:r." she said. "Oh. is it, ral!y?" Then. I seo You've made It all up yourself," said he. Pjilladelnhia Itecord. Madge. "I have n second cousin who Is married to a. Count." Danlc : "That's nothing. My father tents his office from a man who has been pre sented at caur:." Chlcaso Hicord-IIcralJ. mwmmmwkf Lodging-h'" -- Ki net " sfa you Marj.ii -i 'et- .tr m n Servant (thu itenus:1. "Air I' ter. so there'"-Tin- King ' u - ir-TTh s rtoficH "I warn -m n. fvt m i- about nu ' ' .a i ft Dimation of charac- PATE CAME AS A FAT MAX. Ll ' r53 i ipii csfei I W! F - TT li;"Pir ? .. n.Biii r-v-t Z- z MsnSr Ui "Blaze- The'- sits mv worst enemv. the si-oundrel' Why can't I ever go nnywhero v.itbout runnu g m him" Well. I f! bf-tier sit as far away from him as I can get, be-(,-iu-.e ti'ere sureh will b- u tight sa SSIL ja n5rS: fa WFfZd fB W "tyjiMfc V L (5) UK oft 'LJLf &(Lz Tr-sL i LrHSW.J.'',i.ttJ A -r7fcS-OlMW. ifvl 2S-i t' pj ! b yjjJlLj m - " "should- P I -rt I '-'5 H I L -U s tfa ..-T- ".J3'? S25- J v 'rk , - - r-M .rLJtyV c- & r i r- ?sri cr , J&Y sxiy - y ft "meet!' In an Ice-Cream Parlcr II- "I wonder why It Is no min has ver cuccecded in capturing the wealth Miss Bullion?" Sweet Girl (between r''nf"1s,,: "?be ha always Siecn rich enough to buy her own Ice erf am." New lork Weekly. He: "Darling, what do you sur-poso I hive done to da "' She: "I couldn't guess In a hundred years." He: "1 have bad my life insurrd." She: "That's juvt like 'you. John Mann. All vou seem to think of is yourself." Boston Transcript. A Question of Privilege Mistrass (after a heated discussion with aruratntatlve coo!:): "Are you th mistress of this house, I should like to know?" Cook: "No. ma'am. I ain't but ." Mistress (triurapliantly): "Then don't talk like an idiot!" Punch. l Vindication. The gentle row looked sad!'' ronrd. Her face suflus'd with sham". "For all the ills that now abound " C.'uoth she, "I'm not to blime. "Gooil butter or an honest hu. llullt by it rustic dame. The factoiv may hide from viw. Hm I am not to blrnne. "The milk takes onthe azure tint. Its laste helien Up name. The cream is but a piiselng hint. But I am not to blame. "And when I am set forth as beef The prices they proclaim Become a source of gfiieraj gil f: But I am not to blnme "For I have simply dene' my best And tried n' crooked game. The human bclngs.-dirt the rest. And I am not to blame." Washington Star. "Variety Is the spice of lire " said Cun so. "That doesn't apply to the weather." ob jected Cawker. Detroit Free Freas. Fx-austed Captalnane: "Ju-'y had to Kc back to the re-t-cure." Kate: "What to-" Jnn": "Oh. she got a tollaps golnC round telling everybody how much good It did l.cr." Detroit Free Presa. me R -Ji--; ste -rt?itssa :3rffit&& i ux zti r Va,isi-xrrjs,'.v;ti:?f.-i-.-.y.i3 .---yy.rycY- .ySt &?&- wfa:'aj.T,i.WAv . -urt VtJ4- .-rr j A jrK SI Ur-V..C ttJ'