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TYTT A5D HUMOR.
Bio transit Aq ambulanco wagon.
A HQ ht St Delirium tremens.
Etery man's house 13 Lis castle, bir
every man can't be King of Ashautee,
One is a Beal ring and tlio other is s
real sing. Eh? Suro enough. Whai
was the conundrum ?
A TOtJxa man described a taxidermist
to a bevy of young gills as one who sort
'o' upholsters animals ! Ho took the
The difference between the Fenian
leader and an advance agent ia that one
is Head Center, -while the other is sent
Never address your conversation to a
person engaged in footing up a column
of figures. There's nothing so deaf as
An Irishman who was found guilty of
stealing a lot of coffee was asked by the
magistrate what he did with it. " Made
tay with it, was the Hibernian a reply.
Young lady, examining some bridal
veils "Can you really recommend this
one ?" Over-zealous shopman " Oh,
yes, missl It may be used several
"Til afraid the bed is not long enough
for you," Baid the landlord to a seven
foot guest. "Xover mind," he replied ;
'Til add two more feet to it when I
"Wmti you name the bones of the
head?" eaid a teacher to one cf his
class. "I've got 'cm all in my head,
teacher," replied the pupil, "but I can't
give 'em away."
"I'lX take your arm, Miss Idt, please,
Good faith I've neei to cling to."
'Good faith, indeed! " said she, " but, then,
My mm Is not the t';lng to
Impart you that I Responded he,
With lipj that ne'er denied her,
" Good faith Is bona fid j, girl,
And this is bois of Ida."
Wb are constantly told that "the
evening wore ion" but what the even
ing wore on such occasions we are not
informed. Was it the close of a sum
mer's day ?
"Whx is a thief your only true phi
losopher? Because lie regards every
thing from an abstract point of view, is
opposed to all notions of protection,
and is open to conviction.
This is a little coeducational scene :
Professor : " Who will see Mr. B. befora
next Monday?" Lady student, hesitat
ing and blushing a little more : " I shall
see him Sunday night, probably."
The Philadelphia News man is a per
son of experience. He says: "A Boston
man has invented a new word 'Astron
ometeorology.' It means what a man
Bees when he suddenly runs against a
A toung man in the "Answers to
Correspondents" column in a New York
paper asks : "How can I gain a copious
command of language?" We would
suggest that he tay sitting down on a
tack. Louisville Courier-Journal.
" Courtesy opens many doors," says
the old adage. " This may be true, as
far as it goes," says a commentator; "but
you might stand before a bunk-building
and courtesy till you spinal column was
as limber as an old postage-stamp, yet
the doors wouldn't swing back on their
hinges worth a cent."
A CTiERaYMAN, being annoyed by some
of his audience going out while no was
preaching, took for his text, "Thou art
weighed, and found wanting." Soon
after commencing his discourse, he said,
"You will please pas3 out as fast as you
He was 70 and she was 18, and they
wero on their wedding-tour. He pointed
out to her the beautiful scenery, and
szid: "We 'may have many anniver
saries of this season." " Yes," she
answered, "you will probably live long
enough to have a tin wedding."
I told her cf my three years' cruise,
Its haps and mishaps ; and, when I
" Ead finished, in her ixveet, rspt louse,
fihe murmured brtttbletrlj , " O my 1 "
And when I told n y journej s o'er,
From arid zone to la ids of sn"W,
She paused in wonderment before
Bhe so'tiy cried, " You don't say so 1"
And when I toM of dangers, fears
Our shipwreck, when we suffered so
Half frightened, and almost in tears,
She fa'tered forth, " I want to know !"
A physician having a duel on his
hands requests two of his friends to ar
range with his adversary the hour of the
meeting. "Make it to-morrow," ho
ays, "but not in the forenoon, because
I must visit four patients before going
to the ground." "I see," murmurs one
of the seconds, "he wants to get his
"Yes," said a witness, "I remember
the defendant's mother crying on the
occasion referred to. bhe was weeping
with her left eye the only one she has
and the tears were running down her
right cheek." " What ! " exclaimed tho
Judge, ' ' How could that be ? " " Please,
your Honor," said the witness. "Bhe was
Paste. A correspondent of New
Jiemedies gives the following recipe for
a paste for use in prescription books and
labels: "I dissolve half an ounce of alum
in a pint of boiling water ; to this I add
an equal weight of flour, made smooth
in a little cold water, and a few drops oi
oil of cloves, letting the whole come to si
boiL This paste will keep months. 3
put it in glass or ordinary ointment jars.
This paste is handy, too, for domestic
purpose3. My children have many toys
that come in wooden boxes, but thest
will break at the cornera and soon come
to pieces. When a box begins to giw
out I tako a piece of cambric or calico,
and, with the brush and paste, cover the
box so that it will bear constant usage
for months. Then, if the cover give,
out, I pull it off and put on another one.
Again, a doll's arm or leg comes off; but
a piece of muslin and a bit of paste re
Ktores the article, so that it is as good
as it was before."
"I kkow," said a tourist in New
Jersey, "that the owner of that farm
was a famous apple-stealer when he
was a boy. He keeps two dogs in his
Waxing the Dirt In.
Paris is a clean city outside. They
will scrub a stone bridge, ilave seen
men at work scrubbing stone bridges
over tho Seine with mops, brooms and
brushes. But in many instances they
fail to scrub the inside oi a house,
The word here is wax. Waxing the floor
takes the place of scrubbing. Asked
my landlord to have my room scrubbed.
Constant reply of "Oui, oui, oui,
Monsieur." But no scrub. Insisted.
Drove him into his last ditch. And
then ? And then I find my landlord one
afternoon slatting around my bedroom,
skating around with one shoe off and the
other on, and nntier one loot in a stoc&
ine tied a bis piece of beeswax. Where
with he was re-waxing the floor. Which
in French means cleaning it. Presume
that tho floor had been so waxed over
500 limes, for the house is an old one,
The results any tidy housewife may
imagine. The dust and dirt of ages
accumulates in holes and corners. But
so long as the bed is a big one and a high
one, and there are plenty of mirrors
and a Prench gilded clock under a glas3
cover on the mantel-piece, it s all right.
The French do like big beds. Beds
they must climb into with a step-ladder;
Beds seven feet wide. Beds big enough
for all out-doors. Beds with pillows
and bolsters big enough for ordinary
mattresses. Prentice Mulford, in San
Pete was a Kansas immigrant im the
South, in which climate he h?.o never
seen weather sufficiently cold to fcnn an
icicle. Tho farmer he hired out t gave
Pete instructions one day to go tho
wood-shed and tell Jake, a Northern
"nig," to remove the ioicles from tho
barn. The word icicles staggered "I' jte.
However, ho kept muttoriug the sen
tence, "Do eye syclesindebam," intil,
when he reached the woodshed, the sen
tence was so inextricably mixed that he
stood for a few moments looking at Jake,
expecting he might anticipate the mes
sage and relieve the old man of his diffi
culty. Pinding no relief in Jake's stare
of inquiry he launched out with, "Look
a nyar, you Jake, de massr tolo me to
tolo you, dat you wor to to ar to re
move de barnacles indeice ; you hyar ?"
Jakedropped his ax, and, scratching his
woolly pate, queried, "Be whaticles in
de whar ?" " Didn't I tole yer as plain
as your underlip, do bicycles from the
yarn?" " You said nuflin o' de lane;
you said do 'obstacles in de ice house. "
" I tell you, nigger, wot I tolo you was
de 'housicals from do barnacles.'"
"Look a hyar, you Southern galoot, you
is a whimsical and nonsensical fool, an'
youia gittin' too quizzical to suit dis
chile. I know wotyou's a diivin' at ; dc
mass'r tole you to tole me to chop de
wood darned quick, an' dat's wot I'm a
doin' an' don't you forget it." "Well,
Jake, I knew it wor somefinlike dat, but
bress my soul if I could jist git do exao'
If you happen to print a Mss, you
need not publish it.
The most nnnnlir VJaah IV npwa-
OaPer devoted tn mTiro Tnepfinnirw. en.
fciueering, discoveries, inventions ana patents
CTFr Published. Every number illustrated with
splendid ens-ravings. This publication, furnishes
a most valuable encyclopedia of information which
no person should be without. The popularity of
the bciESnrio AiiemcaH is such that its cir
culation nearly equals that of all other papers of
Its class combined. Price, 83.20 a year. Discount
to Clubs. Sold by all newsdealers. MUNNACO.,
Publishers, No. 3a Broadway. N. Y.
Mtmn & Co. havo
also had Thirty
the Patent Office, and have prepared
more than One Hundred Thous
and applications for patents in tho
United States and foreign countries.
Caveats. Trade-Marks. CoDvrichts.
Aeaicnmontft. ftnil All other tianers for
snmpiniT t.n inventors their risrhts in tha
United States, Canada, England, .France,
'nnM,n anH rt, o fnrnifvn rnnntrinR. nrp
paredat short notice and on reasonable terms.
Information as to obtaining patents cheer
fully given without charge. Hand-books of
nfnnnitinn cent. free. Patents obtained
through ilunn & Co. are noticed in the Scientifio
American free. The advantage of such notice is
well understood by all personswho wish to dispose
of their patents.
i Address MUNN & CO., Office SOOX1HO
AltEWCiS, S61 Broadway, New York. -
iwmted for The Lives
f all the Presidents ef
1 D theU.S. The largest.
handsomest book ever told for less than
twice, our price. The fastest selling book
In America. Immense profits to agents.
All intelligent people want it. Any one
can become a successful agent. Terms
free. Hallett Book Co. Portland. Maine.
i? Valuable to all?
m in De mailed i
to all nnnlirnita
ordenni.il Tt nntn,-nn ,-fi, ..!.. r
, .1 w AXAuouawuus, uncus,
descriptions and directions for planting all
VeEetableana Flower SEEDS, BULBS? etc.
f rj i f O W-VN TE D for thebost
ram i o?.bo?.s, s J?0
G. Blaine," "Lives of the Preidents,"etc;
tohe alslatcst and quickest-selling no el
ties. Agents are nicking fortunes Par
ticulars tree. Be euro and send address
to. GOR1TAM & Co., Publishers and
Agents San Francisco.
E Agents wantod forau
thentio edition ot his
life. Published at Aug
usta, his home. Largest, handsomest
cheapest, best. By the renowned histor
ian and biographer. Col. Con well, whoso
life of Garfield, published bv us, outsold
the twenty others by C0,000. Outsells
every book over published in this world,
many agents are selling fifty daily
Agents are making fortunes. All now
beginners successful; grand chance for
them, made by a lady agont the
first day. TermB most liberal Parti
culars free. Better send 25 cents for
postage, etc., on freo outfit, now ready
including large prospectus book, and savo
valuable time. Allen & Go.
26 KEARNEY ST. - SAN FRANCISCO
Established for the Scientific and
Sr-EEDT Cure of Chkoxic, Nervous
and Special Diseases.
THE EXPERT SPECIALIST
DR. ALLEN, as is well known, is a
regular graduated Physician and
Surgeon, educated at Bowdoin College
and the University of Michigan. He
has devoted a lifetime to, and is ac
knowlekged to be, the most expert Sur
geon in his specialty on the Pacific
And middle aged men, who are suffering
from the effects of Youthful Indiscretion's
or .hxecsses in maturer years, 'Nervous
anu mysiciai ueuiuiy, impoteucy.gLost
Manhood, confusion of ideas, dull eyes,
aversion to society, despondeHcy, pimples
on the face loss of energy and memorv.
frequency of urinating, etc. Remember
uiai oy a eomDinalion of veaeldble reme
dies of great curative power, the Doctor
nas so arranged nis treatment that it
win not only allord immediate relief but
Having been surgeon in charge of two
leadihf hosnitnls pnnhlis m, t.-, ..,' oil
nrivnti trnnlilnc tcJiK -vr.nll....t t
wish it distinctlv lmriprRtnnrl tlmt T A
iiui, tiuuu io ueriuim impossibilities, or 10
have miraculous nr Biiupmatnr:
I claim only to be a skillful and suecess-
iiu jriijsician aim paurgeon, thoroughly
informed in my specialty
DISEASES OF MAN.
All anDlvinc to me will roii.ii-r'mr.
est opinion of their complaints No ex-
nerimf?ntincr. T will mimnto n
cure in every case I undertake, or forfeit
ci,uuu. v;onsuuauon in onice or by letter
free and strictlv Drivate. Clin
ate. Thfirnneli nv.ntninMtinn lnnln,1!n..
chemical and microscopical; analysis of
urine anu auvice, o.uu. OlJiee hours, 9
to 3 dnilv. f to S Avininirs S.irU,. o
12 only. Coll or address, ' '
DR, A L L E M .
2GJ Kearney Street, San Francisco, Cal.
P. S. I have a ve?etablf cnmiumiifl fhn
result of main-vears of Stn'iinl T,v,'.t;,.r.
and hard study, which under my tptcial
advice has never failed or success in the
cure of Lost Manhood. PriiKt.-itnrrh.!.
Corner Geary and Mason
y rpHE COLLEGE INSTI-
i tlltn fnr tlw. mi f hll
Special Complicated, and
so-called incurable chronic
() VjRA diseases. Dr. Licbig's Ger
man invigorator Is rusi
TIVELY guaranteed to
cure nervous and nhvsica!
' debility, weakness, lost
' I mnnhnnfl. Insa nf nnprrrv
CD ringing and dizziness in
iwt'sS?5 ("I the head, melancholy hope-
-y. less feelings and all the re-
BUlls OI youiinui lmpru
S dence and excesses of ma
's, ture years, liie Uoctor a
s-J regular college physician
will agree to forfeit one
thousand dollars for a case
the Invigorator will not
cure under special treatment and advice.
The reason so many cannot get cured
of weakness and the above diseases,
owing to a complicationed called prosta-
torruea wmcn requires peculiar treat
Liebig's Invigorator No. 2 is a positive
cure lor prostaterrhea. Price of either
Invigorator 3 per Dottle; six for 51U.
Sent to any address on rsceipt of price
or C. O. D. Responsible persons pav
when cured, strictest fcecresy Maintain
ed. Patients cured an home. Liebig's
Dispensary runs and elegant drug store
in the building. Consultation, personal
ly or by letter, free.
UKLMiN AKx UASr.o.
Anv recent cases of special or private
diseases cured for $10. Remedies suli
cicnt to cure will be promptly sent with
full directions and advice on receipt of
S10 All packages securely covered from
INVIGORATOR SAMPLES FREE.
Call or, address DR. LIEBIG it CO..
400 Geary street. Private entrance, 405
Mason street San Francisco,
W. T. GARRATT'S
MacMne and Mranlic forts
On the Pacific Coast
Hooker's Patent Direct Acting Steam
Garratt's Jack Head Mining Pump.
Single and Double Acting Hand Pumps
Brass Wine Pumps a Specialty.
Corner Fremont and Natoma Sts.
for the working class: Send
10 cents tor postage, and we
will mall VOll free n rnvjl
valuable book of sample goods that will
put you in the way of making more mon
ey in few days than you evur thought
possible at any business. Capital not re
quired. Wc will start you. You can
work all the time or in spare time onlv.
The work is universally adapted to both
sexes, young and old. You can easily
earn from GO c. to $5 every evening. Tha"t
all who want work may test the business,
wu make this unparalleled offer; to all
who arc not well satisfied we will send
SI to pay for the trouble of writing to us.
Full particulars, directions etc , sent free.
Fortunes will bt made by those who give
their whole time to the work. Great suc
cess absolutely sure. Don't delay. Start
now. Address Stinson & Co.,
Portland Maine. 1
THE GREAT ENGLISH REMEDY.
Is never falling
to cure Nprvnns
iea vitality, Semint
al Weakness. Sner-
and all the terrible
effects of self ah
use. vniithfnl fnl
hub uuu citcotcB in mature years such
as loss of memorv. T.nsaitmio vn,,tnrnni
Emissions, evasiqn to society.'dimness of
visiuu, iimscs in tue neaa, the vital uuid
uassing unobserved in the urine, and
rnary other diseases that lead to insanit.
Dr. Mintie, who is a regular graduated
physician, will agree to forfeit Five Hun-
urcu uouars :or a case oi this kind the
Vital Restorative, under his special ad
vice and treatment, will not cure, or for
anything impure or injurious found iti it.
Dr. Mintie treats all Private Diseases suc
essluily, without mersury. Consultation
ree. A thorough examination and ad
'ice, including analysis of urine, 85
'rice of Vital Restorative, $1.50 a bottle
our times the quantity, $5; sent to any
ddress upon receipt of price, or C. O. D
secure from observation, and in piivate
name, if desired, by A. E. MINTIE, M. D.,
No. 11 Kearny street, San Francisco, Cal.
SAMPLE BOTTLE FREE will be sent
to any ono applying by letier, stating
symptoms, sex and age. Strict secrecy
In regard to business transactions.
Dr. Mintie's Kidney Remedy Nephret-
ICUJI Cures all kinds nf Kirinnv nnil Wlor)
der Complaints, Gonorrhoea, Gleet, Lu
corrhoea. For sale by all druggists; 51
uiilui., ciji. unities ior su.
Dr. Mintie's DAxnpT.invPit.nnrn tin
best and chcaDest Dvs nensiii .inrl Tlillinns
cure In the market. For sole " by all
druggists. mv 13 tf.
NOTICE CF FORFEITURE.
Ynma. Ynma Conntv. A T.
TO SAMUEL PURDST AND A. CAR
gill You are hereby notified that I
have expended one hundred dollars
worth of assessment work and labordur
iiig the year A. D. 18S2, and ono hundred
dollars worth of assef'Sinent work and
labor during the vear 1883. on the Min
erva mine, located in Silver mining dis-
iriei, i uma county, A. 1., in order to
hold said premises under the provisions
of section 2324, Revised Statutes of the
uniteu btates, being the amount required
for holding the same for the year ending
Deo. 31. A. D. 1&2 and Dec. 81, A, D.
1S83; and if within 90 days from the ser
vice of this notice you fail to contribute
your proportion of such expenditure to
wn: Bixty-six and two thiilds (6G.;)
dollars each, as co-owners, your interest
in said claim will become the property ol
the subscriber under said section 2324.
July 12th A. D. 1S84.
TO MINE OWNERS AND PROSPEC
tors iu the Santo Maria and Bill
Williams Fork Mining Districts To eng
courage prospecting and develop the
JNorthern part of Yuma county, the Ma
thilde G. and U. Mining and Reduction
Coraiiany will purchase all free smelting
copper ores -Jelivered at their smelter at
f Janet, Yuma county, A. T.
Miners wanted to contract to extract
ore by the cargo or ton from the com
pany's mines, i nil particulars on appli
cation at the office, Planet, Yuma county,
A 0 T?"TnrC! wanted to sell Ed-
-rXJTJ-LXl JL O ison's Musical Tel
ephone and Edison's Instanlaneous Piano
and Organ music. Enclose stamp for
catalogue ana terms.
EDISON MUSIC CO..
SEND TEN CENTS FOR
postage and receive free
our new comminution Pen
cil; has seven different useful articles
Just out. Agents wanted. Address
MAltT .NO WELTI CO.
Sin Francisco, Cal
AGEFTS ARE MAKING
fortunes selling our new and
popular books, ''The Uni
verse," "Lives of the Presidents,"
"Daughters of America," "Austin's In
dispensable Handbook," "History of
Christianity," and the latest and quick
et selling uovelties. Be first in the field
GORHAM & CO.,
PubliiiLiers and Agents.
San Francisco, Cal
No. 11 Kearny street,
TREAT ALL CHRONIC AND SPEC1AI
Who may be suffering from tho effecte
of youthful follies or indiscretion will dc
we'll to avail themselves of this, the greatest
boon ever laid at the feet of sullering hu
manitv. Dr. Spinney will guarantee to
forfeit live hundred dollars lor every ease
of weakness, or private disease of any kind
or character, which he undertakes and failt
There are many at the age of thirty
sixty who are troubled with too frequent
evacuation oi uie Diauuer.oucn accompan
ied by a slight smarting or burning sensa.
tion. and a weakening of the system in t
manner the patientcannotaccountfor. Ot.
cxaminingtheunnarydeposits a ropy sed
iment will often be found, and sometime!
small particles of albumen will appear, ci
the color will be of a thin milkish hue.
again changing to a dark and torpid ap
nearance. There arc many men who die
of this difficulty ignorant of the cause
which is the second 6tagc of seminal weak
ness. Dr. S. will guarantee a perfect cure
in all such cases, and a healthy restoration
of the genito-uriuary organs.
Office hours 10 to4 and 0 toS; Sundays
from 10 to 11 a. m. Consultation free
Thorough examination and advice, 5.
Call or address DR. SPINNEY ite CO.,
36-tf No. 11 Kearny street, San Francisc.
For private diseases, of short stand
ing, a full course of medicines sufficient
for a cure, with all necessary instructions.
ill be sent to any address on receipt ol
The trade can be supplied by the
tnininer 12 hottles. Shipped direct
on liberal terms.
None Genuine! unless my Signature across the JorK; G. Hiinnionils.
Shipments made direct from Distillery, or from "Warehouse San
Sold by the gallon, half gallon and bottles, by our .Agents,
: Next dooa tha P.O., Yuma.
EEEP ONLY THE VERY FINEST OF
ines3 Liquors and Cigars,
TTEADQUARTERS FOR SCHLITZ
gant-billiard room attached to the
REDEMPTION OF MA COUNTY
I will pay on presentation at my office
Warrants drawn on the Gqneral Fund
from No. 205, series of 1873, to No. 10,
series of 1S74. inclusive; Also, warrants
drawn on Road Fund Nos. 1, 2, aud 3,"
series of 1SS3; and warrants drawn on
Contingent Fund, from No. 3 to 11 in
clusive, series of 1SS1. Interest on fore,
going warrants ceases from this date,
and ir not presented- for redemption
within ten days frsm 'date hereof, funds
now on hand will he applied towards re
demption of warrants nest in order of
Treasuror of Yuma County.
By Altuee Louette,
Yuma, A. T., December 6, 1SS4.
WILL CURE NERVOUSNESS,
Debility, Indigestion, Fever, Weak
ness, Dyspepsia, Chills, etc. Has
been sold in all th Eaftern States
aud given universal satisfaction. It
is highly recommended by the Faculty-
for all classes of Fever and
Ague, Nervousness. Weakness. De
bility, Dyspepsia, Indigestion eto.
It is now introduced to the public of
the Pacific Slope, indorsed by tho
certificates of the eminent Dr. S.
Dana Hayes, the State Assayer of
Massachusetts and Dr H. C. Londer
back, of St. Louis, Missouri both
gentlemeu prominent in thei pro
fession and which is :i guarantee to
all buvers of its purity and quality.
I can show thousands of letters from
pers ons, from all parts of the Union
nDd Canada, to testify to ts merits
and the benefit it has afforded as a
family remedy and tonic.
George Simmonds Esq. Sir:
The samples of NABOB WHISKY
received from different pariss, have
been analyzed with the following
It is of standard alcoholic strength,
and free from addea flavo-ing oili.
acids, nieiul, or other deleterious
substances. Thi Whiskej is pure,
of superior quality and suitable for
dietetic and medicinal purposes.
5. DANA HAYES,
State Aasayer of Massachusetts.
The Purest and -3 est
foraH Ppdacal & Fami
barrel, half barrel and cases con-
from the distillery in Kentucky
Orockesr & Go,
BEER AND FANCY DRINKS. AN ELE
BIDS FOR THE SURRENDER OF
General Fund "Warrants ivill be re
ceived up to 2 P. M. of Monday, the 22d
inst. Amount of cash to be bid Dr $4,681.79
Four thousand six hundred and eighty
one dollars and seventy-nine cents. Bids
must be scaled proposals, marked "Sink
ing Fund" and directed to "Treasurer of
Yuma County." Warrants must accom
. Apply at Treasurer's office for
blank forms for bids.
Treasurer of Yuma Co.
By ALTHEE LORETTE,
Ynma, A. T., December 6, 6S84.
BEST ORGANS NOV MANUFACTURED.
TOY & CAMP
Our Factor? Is one of the largest and best equipped n
tho United States, and we claim a superiority for our Organs
over any instrument manufactured. Send for our elegant!)
Illustrated Catalogue, showing our new and norel designs
and a large number of recently Improved feaUses; mailed,
freo to any address.
AGENTS WANTED. S&JSWESSS
our Organs. Territory given and protection snarsa.
183 fi.zzi.e3. 190 &ten,te St.,
ST. LOUIS HOUSE, 203 N. Fifth Si,