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Lo, tho Poor Oysterl
mr "Wiley has announced that ths oys
Jrnjffers untold asony when eatem on
mien the meek, retlrina? oyster
U abstracted from his bed
m a manner rather shockinc
He Is very ,far from dead.
When we prod his private person.
Though his heart seems still and ooJd,
Vf e convulse us consuiuuoa
nth an agony untold.
Vow, instead of adding lemon
Xfrould be vastly more humans
50 ap'jlnt bis tiny features
TV1I a sprinkling o cocaine,
i Vfhfi we add a pinch of pepper
i jo if to give the menu zest
TVe envelop him In suffering
That rends his tiny breast,
jLnd a touch of hot tabasco
To his person, It appears.
Brings a gush of untold angnlnh
That is far too deep for tears,
go instead of adding condiments
That give him needless paia
11 us spray the little fellow
YHth a flash of sauce cocaine.
" It Depended.
Henry It. Williams when president
ef the "ruffet sound extension ot the
Qjicago, Milwaukee and St Panl rail
road gave a great deal of his time to
a personal supervision of the improve
ments on the line, especially being in
jgrected In the growth of the new
towns and their various businesses.
He beard that a barber had located at
IftMen, a division point In Washing-
, tun, and upon visiting the place pro-
i (gded to patronize the razor artist
jhe barber lathered and stropped
ti then took a swipe down the cheek
i his customer. Williams winced,
thereupon the barber asked:
Does the razor hurt yon, sir?"
"That depends," dryly answered the
Tfcnm. If you are skinning me it
I doesn't, but If you are shaving me It
! does." New York Tribune.
Winklewads. ' ""
Ko man can be a hero or a noble action
Wbea somewhere out of reach he finds
that his suspenders break.
Ko matter If she lives out west or east or
north or south.
JL woman early learns to hold her hair
pins In her mouth.
They hung the picture on the wall, as gal
leries will do.
Asd those who saw that painting wished
they'd hung the painter too.
Don't name the child -until you see what
later years reveal
TThat is Its batting record and what bases
It can steal.
In this swift age of living we can tell the
Ee solders one small hole a day and don't
stamp on the pan.
Didn't Know He Was Running.
"I was talking to my colored man of
liH work the other day," said the Hon.
I limes Yates Melien of Cleveland, "and
lasted hm if be went to church."
"Yassuh, I goes to church every
I tnday,' be said.
"Are yon a member?
Ib you believe In the doctrine of
"Do you think I am elected to be
"Taws, Mr. Melien, I didn't even
bum- you all was a candidater "
OeTeland Plain Dealer.
It AH Depends.
Th magnate took his pen In hand and
1 wouldn't trade Bill Beeswax for a mil
lion dollar note.
Her never was a better man than Bees
wax ever ulaved."
Ti magnate argued thusly when be an
tied for a trade.
fctwhen Bill Beeswax up end asked the
magnate for a raise
magnate up and roasted him In f orty-
T poor old spavined boob," he said,
"rou have a lot of gall!
itfn lucky to be playing In my baseball
jaru at all!"
There must have been a burglar in
T room last night," remarked Slow
er it the breakfast table.
lercyr ejaculated his fellow board-
let "How dn trnn Jmnml THd wnn ldSA
"On the ronlrarv. T" fwnfl n roTl of
2 on the floor right by the window."
Whereat thorn tttjo a rannntl nfmm
j back to the rooms, while the land
y remained to rfva Klowrav a see-
tSd hplnlnrr nt nnliit Bim TTVlTl
TUm U.....H l Xtm
BsJarfan maiden named Ptayghaxxry-
1 a B0ldl nhn.. -imai mm HTlrL.
2fnen he left for the front
m, wuq, wun a grunt.
' I meet vn . m 7 it-.i.
Real Estate andlfRenting
160 NORTH FIFTH AVENUE
- w ruts avail u Sascsiaflatrerc
nhone Aotomatio 33-201
DESIRABLE FLATS TO RENT
2720 Dearborn Street, 2nd flat 6 rooms-$19 '
gg La Salle Street, 2nd flat, centerr 4 rooms & bath-$15
e? Serninarr4.qe., 1st flat, 4 roomsSi
Shields Ave, 1st flat, 5 rooms- arid bath-$18
'OU Yfrm-rrmrU Ar On (1,f T rnnmc -mil hath S22
5754 Wentworth Ave.,' 2nd flat'front, 5 rooms and bath $18
: Winter BasebaJL
"Willie Keeler has been retained by
Charlie Ebbets to coach the young
Brooklyn players In the art of batting
Manager Fred Clarke of the Pitts
burgh club will next season begin bis
fourteenth consecutive 7ear as man
ager of the Pirates.
Arthur A. Irwhrhas been appointed
business manager of tho New York
American League club by President
Prank J. Parrell. Irwin has been the
club's scout for several years.
The Denver Western League club has
purchased Outfielder Butcher from the
Cleveland club of the American league.
Butcher finished the 1012 season with
the New Orleans clnb. though he re
mained the property of the Cleveland
j Culinary Don'ts.
Don't have a "hot oven for simple
milk puddings or the milk will curdle.
Don't forget fresh meat should be
put in boiling water, salt meat in cold
Don't let soup boll, only simmer, as
the excellence of the soup largely de
pends on this.
Don't fry anything unless the fat Is
boiling, because it makes the food
heavy or sodden.
Don't forjift in boiling irftat that It
must not Ik allowed to boll. In boll
Inj; ve't:il)lfs do uot let the boiling
i )ou"t wish moats more than Is abso
lution ut-.Nsiiry. especially game and
fvl. iHt'tnise it has a tendency to de
stroy the natural savor or sweetness.
The certainty that the fourteen Inch
gun can penetrate the thickest armor
afloat at seven miles becomes less Im
portant than the chance of its explod
ing. New York World.
Since there are no longer any guns
on the gun deck or any berths on the
berth deck, the naval authorities have
wisely decided to abolish the names.
It will soon be time for the icemen
to announce that ice will be dearer
next summer, either because the win
ter is mild or the product too thick to
handle. Cleveland Leader.
Old Colonel Pestilence continues to
be one of the most stubborn foes that
armies have to encounter. Chicago
Typhoid fever, it Is estimated, costs
"Americans about $100,000,000 a year,
and no person who has had the dis
ease will ever say It Is worth the mon
ey. Philadelphia Ledger.
Cholera killing 10,000 out of 21,000
cases reported In one province of India
in a month is described as not being
as severe as usual. What would they
call severe anyway? Pittsburgh Dis
patch. Household Hints.
Basting threads when saved should
be wound on a spool: otherwise the
get hopelessly tangled and cannot be
A fern ball hung In a window will
often break an awkward space. It Is
decorative, too, and will add a touch
of living green to a room that will be
To clean an enameled bathtub wipe
it dry and then rub It with a cloth dip
ped In turpentine and salt Afterward
wash It with clean warm water and
It will look like a new tub.
; Political Quips.
Uneasy lies the head that runs a post
office. ifemphls Commercial Appeal. .
'Get mentioned for a cabinet place.
This is the right time, and It costs
nothing. Philadelphia Press.
, The United States Is the only coun
itry in which a legislative body contln
hies to do business after a new one has
been chosen. Buffalo News.
When a man says be has no political
ambitions It generally means that be
doesn't think he has any prospects
worth considering. Washington Star.
Too Deep For Him.
A rookie had joined the navy and
was being drilled with his shipmates
on a pier.
"Fall in! came the order.
Immediately be fell Into the water.
Two deepP was the next order.
Bookie (spluttering In the water
Why didn't ye tell me It was too deep
crfss'! il In J New York American.
vypeuw bi.. ..-,-
AshantI Customs. "J
In Asbantl many families are for
bidden tue use of certain roeata. In
like manner others are forbidden to
wear clothes of ascertain color.
Got the Habit Later.
In a sermon preached in a small
church In Glasgow the pastor, after In
veighing against slothfulness, said by
way of dlmax: -Do you think Adam
and Eve went about the garden of
Eden with their bands In their pock
eta?" The Foxglove.
The flowers of the foxglove are like
the fingers of a glove. The name of
foxglove Is said to be a corruption of
-folk's glove" or "fairy's glove."
The word textile means any kind
of woven fabric made from wool, cot
ton, silk, flax, hemp, ramie, goat cam
el's, hair and beaver, or the filaments
drawn out of leaves, gold, or any other
metal, all of which are webs formed
Pure saccharin is KX) times ns sweet
as sugar. One part of saccharin will
Impart a sweet taste to 70,000 parts of
Life of an Oyster.
The limit of an oyster's life Is twelve
In order to gauge her average speed
a vessel when on her trial trip is
made to run four times over a meas
ured mile, twice with and twice against
Strength of Ice.
Experiments by French army officers
have shown that ice an Inch and three
fifths thick will bear the weight of a
man, four and three-quarter Inch ice
light artillery and eleven and one-half
Inch ice the heaviest weights the trans
portation of an army requires.
In 1239 King Henry IIL of England
gave to the city of Newcastle the right
to dig coal, this being the first charter
of its kind granted.
An Honest Race.
Lying, cheating and theft are prac
tically unknown among the Eskimos.
These primitive people ore always con
siderate of each other's feelings so
considerate that once, when it was de
termined to rid a tribe of an Inveterate
liar by death, the sentence was un
known to him till be received the
Whistling In Buenos Aires.
In Buenos Aires the police alone
have the right of whistling on the
streets. Any other person whistling is
at once arrested.
The Mystic Number Five.
Five is the great sacred Chinese.
number. There are five virtues, five
colors (yelluw. white, preen, red and
blacki. five household gods, five planets
(Saturn. Venus. Jupiter. Mars and Mer
cury), five rankr1 of nubility, five tastes,
five cardinal points (the middle, east
west south and north respectively)'
and five tones.
Great Britain's Forests.
Of the total area or Ireland only
about 15 per cent Is wooded, while
forests cover 5.3 per '"nt England,
4 per cent of Scotland und 34) per
cent of Wales.
England In South America.
British dominions In South America
consist of British Guiana and British
Honduras and comprise nearly 100,
000 square miles of territory.
A double bull In a single ssntence
was perpetrated by the late John Hol
llngshead, an Englishman. He wrote.
"When Lord Mohun was killed he was
living lri Macclesfield house, Gerrard
street Soho, atstiie back of Leicester
bouse, a site now occupied by the de
funct Pelican club."
Bombay gets Its water supply from
three artificial lakes that-depend upon
the rainfall In the monsoon season for
The oriole has a fondness for bright
colors, and yet prudence leads the lit
tle creature in choosing Its nest to se
lect the least conspicuous hues. It
also shows architectural skill in at
taching a string to Its hanging nest
and fastening It securely by a number
of turns and a knot to a branch
above In order to prevent the welgul
of the ypung brood from breaking the
branch, from, which tho nest is su
The life of the average horse fa
bondage Is twenty-five years, whereas
the wild horse's age is about thirty'
Arabs and Earthquakes.
Tha Arabs of Morocco believe that
the earth U balanced on the boms of
a built which Itself rests on a fish on
the surface ot the sea, the sea being
'borne Tip by the divine power. When
-the bull is tired he changes the earth
from one "born to the other, with the
result that there is an earthquake.
Ths Finest Harbor.
Port Jackson, at Sydney. New South
Wales, with a water, frontage of over
300 miles. Is the finest harbor In the
A Mere Man's Inspiration.
wun tense, eager faces the great
auaience or women leaned forward in
their seats, eagerly drinking In the not
ed Speaker's every word.
"Mere man," she was saying, "Is
wont to belittle woman's ability to en
ter the fields already usurped by him.
As a matter of fact she Is "capable of
filling any post of public or private of
fice now held by man and. If appointed
to it could egeo perform man's tasks
with greater faithfulness and greater
"Name. If you can, one post for which
she cannot fit herself! Name one office
to which she would not could not give
the greatest measure of capability, the
highest degree of courage, the"
A mere man, who had slipped un
noticed Into a back seat rose at this
point and the light of sudden inspira
tion gleamed in hhj eye.
"Rat catcher!" he shouted,
then he fled. Fun Magazine.
All hall tho gentle scientists,
"Who aim not to delight us.'
But like to dream
And plan and schema
Borne new way to affright us.
They Hnd new germs, these scientists.
With names past all repeating.
Microbes that lurk
Whcm'er -we work
And also In our eating.
Beware, cry out these scientists.
Of those frail glasses clinking!
Some microbe slim
Delights to swim
In water yclept drinking!
They write, these busy scientists.
For magazines and papers.
So watchful they
'Tls strange each day
Old Death still cuts up capers.
A Two Sided Answer.
"John," said Senator Carter of Pri
vate John Allen, "you are a farmer, and
I want your opinion on an agricultural
question. Should a man sit on the far
side or the near side of a cow to milk
"Both." replied Allen.
"Now. John," protested the senator,
"be serious for once. This Is an Im
portant question. Should a man 3lt on
the far side or the near side of a cow
"Both." Allen replied again, "the far
thest side of the cow and the nearest
to a soft place In the pasture."-Sat-urday
Ee noticed that her face was fair.
That she had deep and soulful eyes
And luscious lips and all the rare,
Glad gracefulness that youth supplies.
He noticed that her teeth were white.
That good health caused her cheeks to
Ee looked and clnlmed serene delight
Without permitting her to know.
Els sister, sitting at his side.
Gazed at the girl who made him glad
And did not feel Inclined to bide
Tho deep derision that she had.
The soulful eyes, the girlish grace,
Claimed but a careless glance, no more.
Ee saw the glory of her face;
She merely saw the clothes she wore.
It was the opening of the winter ses
sion, and the teacher was making up
her list of pupils.
"Well, my boy," she said to one
youth, "what Is your name?"
"Tom, ma'am," said the boy promptly.
"That does not sound very well," she
said. "Xou should always give the full
name. You should have said Thomas.'
And what Is your name?' she asked,
turning to the next boy.
Flushed with the consciousness of
having learned something new, the
young man arose and said proudly, "My
name Is Jackas." Ladles' Home Jour
nal. Oh, Janel
A real hard headed girl Is Jane,
For she will let you know
That she hates a castle in old Spain
And wants a bungalow.
Tea, Jane of wisdom has no dearth.
In her staid point of view
She wants a home down here on earth
And not where dreams come true.
Tou should not censure Jane for that.
For she's a girl worth while
And knows that even a city flat
Beats castles In Spain a mile.
Tho Limit of Laziness.
A tramp slowly extracted a match
from bis pocket and-placed the top of
It against the Iron tire of a dogcart
which was standing beside the curb
stone. Then be waited.
"My man," said the driver of the
dogcart- "what are you waiting for?"
"I am waiting till you move on," re
plied tho tramp, "so as to strike this
mnft'ft and give me a light" London
Hand 'Mailer on a summer's night
Turned down the only parlor light
The Judge, beside her. whispered things
Of wedding bells and diamond rings. '
Ee spoke his love In burning phrase
And acted foolish forty ways.
VThcn ha had gone .Maud gave a laugh
And then turned off the dictograph.
pora plat raoi: xuzLDnro ros
fiALI AT A lAXOADT.
Tor sale, temr tst brick trafldiaft at
a bargain, Ideated on Armour avaxoe,
sear 36th Street Seat 90 per jsoatfc.
Per farther iaf raatiaa, eaU a or
address Jails 3. Taylor, 6027 JLzmeei
avaaae, PfcM Svassl 45M.
Tak u a giixrmtamt aad feed
Miles J. Devine
Attorney at Law
FbeaecOSes, Mala 415
Res. DrescL 7990
WALTER M. FARMER
ATTORNEY AT LAW
Salt 70S, IM Washlagiaa fit.
Nstarr Fablla CHICAGO, ILL.
OSes Pfaoaat Central 6624.
Rss, Pbms, Does. 4J7.
N. SOS East 3otaStral
J. GRAY LUCAS
Attorney at Law
Suks 405. 145 dark St
Coc Randolph St,
TL Cutnl 31(2
Franklin A. Denison
Attorney at Law
38 W. RANDOLPH STREET
DUwr BmOlla ffltCAOO
r A D. GASH
1 1 8: North La Salle St. Chicago
Suit 615 i 616
Telephoa Main 3077
Office Phoni AaUnatle 44-185
Rti. Phont Antofiutle 79-137
W. G. ANDERSON
Snlle 5Htthodht Church Block
S. E. Cor. Clark & Waihlsrton St., CHICAGO
Evtalnr Office 3449 Stit St., 7 to 9.
John J. Dunn
TWXT-mxrmjcam funuz av.
6.0. HIIdOT, H.D.i CM.
FSYSICIU UD SDBGEOI
3158 Stats Street; Chicago
f P.Rsaf P.M.
SB. MO, B. HOZEE
txi aotrre stats msrr
OiltwJI 4U3. ,
.fz MYou never
MW iCve herr.
And it is
which characterizes all the
products of the Victor Company.
Come in and
Other styles S25 Jo $200.
T4rtae Dnxks 4558 Ttrea Aatssutle 71-70J
FRaAKK La GALE PIANO CO.
3159 S. State Street : : Chicago
KROAD AX CAS SB POTJsTD
OSEAia AS TJSB rOLLOWXXsl
Ttcm oa and after this data Taa
Bread Ax, eaa ba f onad oa sals at taa
following nam standi:
A. 1. Terrxlon, elgar store sad, arm
stand, 6004 Bata itrwt
Gsorg L Martin, aster ef flat cigars
and news stand, 18 W. Slat Bt, asm?
B. M. Harvey's barber shop aad
aaws stand, 3024 Btate street
Mrs. Nellie Phelps, cigars, aoticaj
aad bows stand, 16 W. 86th Bt, seas
W. 8. Cole, eigars, tobacco aad acwa
stand, 34 W. 3 1st Bt, near Dearborn,
T. B. Hall, laundry office aad saws
stand, 11 W. ata Bt, near 8tata.
B. Davis, eigars, tobacco and news
stand, 3532 Btate St
W. M. Maxwell, notions, cigars, to
bacco, confections and news stand, 6S44
Edward Felix, notions, eigars aad
news stand, 62 W. 80th Bt
T. Bishop, cigars, tobacco and asws
stand, 8 W. 27th Bt, near BUts.
8jlvestcr MeGloffin, news stand aad
lanndry office, 4122 State- Bt .
William Ganghan, laundry office,
cigars, tobacco and news stand, 2036
Mrs. L. B. Taylor, notions, eigars
and news stand, 15 W. 36th Street,
A. D. Hayes, Cigars, Tobacco, No
tions, Stationery and News stand, 3640
South State street.
J. Haroilton, news stand, out of town
papers, and shoo shining parlor, 3220
South SUte street
J. H. Roberta, barber shop and news
stand, 330816 Gtato street
THE AMERICAN LIFE INSURANCE
COMPANY OF ILLINOIS.
Oil list Utii KtOTT I Cm.
m - iVuitT SUtt Cnrnant Sotrrliits.
S100.000 deposited with tfce'State.3 Policies of u
kinds, nncioe from five cents to ten thousand
dollars. Our lndastriaCContractt Eire to the color
ed poller holder more than any other.company for
the same weekly premium.
Cdartd ArtaU tt Writ sal Cdltct Tnr Bulstu
Information of rites and raises at your are will
be furnished free, upon eirlng jour ue. name and
Tho Amrlcaa Lift Iniaraaet C., f Illlaali,
TtLXaaWiS. 72 Wt Adams Straat
Telephones, CALUMET 4401-4428
J. S. DORSEY. Drns-gl.t
2701 Dearborn! St CHICAGO
U Donr Ha Pomad far tha hair. It
will maka It soft and tlomtr. Pratcriptloaa
earaf nllr componndad. Pfcona yonr ORDERS
by Bar a Weak
Jh Douglas Hotel
SUass Haat, Dsatria UgkC
S. Mate Stew. WrTHCO
Oakland 1609 Rca. Oakland 17601 Anto. 79156
HEMRY G. 60MAR1& SDI
M07Z1S, 1PACXZSS AXD SHIPPZaS
3iTrip!Datir ta AHlOcpoU
of the same
hear itany time.
Victors S10 to S100.