Newspaper Page Text
' v'WRB?te!Sa!ft'i?'-?'K?i2cw5-5ac-' "w ,-i"-'"7T-S!5s:"-a'-CtTri'V
THE MORTEN Gr TIMES, SUNDATT, SEPTEMBER 15, 1895.
A WOMAN'S TONGUE.
Page For Those liflio Like to LaJgh
BAITED HIS BREATH.
' : -- i--tJis. I
Little Boy Papa, what part of
Father Woman, my son, is no
no Purdoned the Deception.
"Then you deceived roe?"
"And you married mo knowing that you
were rich?" v
She now concealed nothing, nothing of
tho terrible fiction whereby she bad led
fclm to believe her poor.
"Can you forglvo me, Alfred?"
TYlth pleading, contrite eyes, Bhe watched
In hieface the cUdenccs of the struggle that
waged in his bosom.
"Yes," he answered at last. "We will
live It down."
And they did.
He even quit his Job, and devoted himself
exclusively to living it down. Detroit
THE WRONG KIND.
j03k 'ill- llfl iRUiH'
WmS? nil i, iv p ft if
nmMW m llw
Iwl v W Vw'r,
Fuller Dust I dls der Free Press?
Editor Yes, sir.
Fuller Dnst Woll, I'll Jus stop in a mlnnlt. I
pants while I wait
Modesty nnd the Tliono.
They had a new girl Bhe was not the
Imported article, but was nativlstic enough
from somewhere In Indiana and had never
seen a telephone. She was given a hasty
lesson In its use, and was told to .answer it
when members of the family were absent.
Tho second afternoon everybody was out
but the Indiana product Bhe was in her
An hour before dinner the female head
of tho family returned
"That thing in the closet was ringing for
ten minutes this afternoon, ma'am," said
the new girl.
"Why did you not answer it, as I told
you to do, MarT?"-sald the mistress.
"I would have, ma'am," said Mary, "only
I was half undressed, and I was afraid it
might be a man "Chicago Tribune.
Bhe Don't you tblnktbattblsbatlsalittle
too young for me?
He No. You are too old for the hat. In
Ilurd to Beat.
Tloax Bllkeni is a sort of Jack-of all
trades; be can do anything.
Joax Yes, or anybody. Philadelphia
a?-'E fS ft'-
speech 13 woman?
part of speech ; sho's all of it.
Mr. nardley (great orator) Take your
hand from my pocket, you villain. This
is robbery! llclpl Polec-e
Illinois Farmer Git out, yo plutycrat!
Hain't this h'ycr natho money?
MrIIanlley Ceruiuly; but I earned it
Illinois Farmer" 'Arncd nuthin'l Get
outl Fork oerl D'jo think ye kin pro
perato native money an' pack ''er round
fer yer own use, w'en I need 'er? Fork,
and skipl Logic's logic." Clci eland Plain
Got a Tip.
Madge: "nave you learned to turn around
on your wheel yet?"
Minnie: "O-o h, yes"
Minnie: "No, vertically!"
want crease3 pressed in dese
He Ilnd Traveled.
A Windham county man, who rounded
out seventy-five years of life without ever
going more than twenty miles from his
birthplace was one day answering the
questions of a distinguished Western vis
itor who had conio on to the old town from
far beyond the Mississippi valley to learn
of the childhood of his father and moth
er, who were born in Windham Couuly. The
old settler gave tho westerner Just the de
tails the latter was seeking.
"And I suppose you have always lived
around here." said tbe man from beyond
"Oh, no," replied the native, "I was born
two miles from here." Hartford Times.
An UiMo-dnte Answer.
Sunday-scboolTeachcr And.now, James,
bow came Joab to s:ay Absalom in the
James, promptly 'Cos his football hair
got kctcbed in de limbs when he wasmakin'
a rush fer safety. Judge.
Valkyrie and De.fonder.
Dnnraven, of the tribe of Quln,
Has built a boat to sail like sin.
But where or how the winds may send
She Is no match for the Defender.
Broo klyn S tandard Dn Ion.
1 Bsyslt and Hyball were rivals glum
For the hand of Minnie Geranium.
I -rr-- ' ' -.
The well aimed ball emote BapH's head.
While B&yslt'i bat smashed Hyball dead.
A CnTJEti HEVENGB.
Tile Slighted Lover Gctn'Up in His
Wrutli and Warns Ilia False One-.
Bhe was passing up Hastings street in
the gloaming as ho was coming donn,
and natural philosophy brought about a
"Miss Johnson, kin I spoke to yo'?" he
queried, as he halted.
"Yes, blr," she replied. "Yo" kin spoke
right yere, If yo' dun want to say sumthln'."
"I'd rather spoke to yo' in private."
"Yo' can't do it. What yo' want to say?"
"MUs Johnsln," he said, after, fidgeting
about for a moment, "did yo'go to the
pa'ty wid dat nigger S wiper las' night?"
"An" did he buy Ice cream ard candy?"
"An took yo' to supper?"
"An danced cbcry dance wld yo,?"
"An' did yo' promise?"
"I did, an' what yo' gwlne tcr do 'bout'
"What I gwlne tcr do 'bout It? What I
gwinc tcr do? 1'zo gwlne ter git revenge!
1'zc gwlne ter make It so drefful bad fur
yo' dat yo'll wUU you'd nebber been bo'nl"
oupio ilupop jiioui.u3.ojC ivon iniln
tcr slash me wid a razor?"
"No, ma'am! I'ze gwinc ter do wuss'n
dat. I'ze gwlne right up an' get married
ter yo'r mudder, an' afure night I'll be yo's
stepfather, an' make de face ob dls airth
,o hot fur yn' dat yo' will be callln' upon
do Lawd fur mercyl Good cvenln', Mlts
Johnsio, I'll see yu' later!'; Detroit Free
TOLD IX IlIIYME.
It teems to be a fact, indeed.
That give the mob an inch,
Twill never hesitate to take
An I and make a lynch.
I sec her turn the corner; -I
bear her mannish tread,
I feel an awful presence
That fills my heart with dread.
Great Scott! she's drawing nearer;
I'll vanish while I can.
If she's tho coming woman.
Then I'm the goirg man.
He was a letter carrier.
And had Just begun to work.
And still retained tome of the ways
He had when a dry goods clerk
So, when he handed the letters out.
He frequently would say:
"I hope jou'll like lhce very well;
Is there anytliing else to-day?"
When I propo'cd ihc did not blush
And not a word was said
The maiden did not tell me yes
Bhe simply shook her head.
She simply shoot her head, and yet
No man in all the town
Could be more pleated than I was, for
Bhe shook it up and down
A Cheerful Answer.
The rrofessor We are led to believe that
Cain exceeded his brother in physical prow
ess. Do you not understand it so?
The Divinity Student Not exactly, sir.
It seems to me that the younger boy vjs
decidedly more Abel bodied.
The rollcc Judge You are charged with
following a party of young men about the
streets and annoying them by your atten
tions. Tho New Women Well, you see. Judge,
I hao Just returned from the seaside and
they were the first young men I had seen.
Tho Judge Dicharged. Next case.
A Chicago I'lural.
Miss Lakeside, from Chicago Yes, papa
had quite a desperate encouuter one night
Just after the big fire. He was set upon by
two fectpads '
Jack Feet pads?
Miss Lakeside Why, yesr each of them
was a footpad. Cleveland Press.
A Promlstiur World.
"A promise Is made but to break"
Is a maxim the world loves to quote;
And a liLc on which many men take
Great pleasure in making a note.
To Catch 'Em Both Ways.
Author I've got n great scheme u make
a fortune. I'm going to writca book on the
financial question. -
His Friend Well?
Author And then I'm going to writca
reply refuting it. Chicago Record.
Be Not Curious.
And I say to mankind. Be not curious
For I, who am curious about each, am not
curious about God.
(No array of terms can say how much I
am at peace about God and about
A Wnisted Joke.
John Henry It's the medical fad now to
wear a knit flannel band for indigestion.
Sam I can't endure anything of that
John Henry Why not?
Bam It goes against my stomach.
Perry of. Erie.
Now, hark ye, rolling o'er tho. wave,
A thout la drawing hear,
A mighty battle cheer; -
Along tho rippling white caps, speeds
Tile stirring song of noble ejeeds
As glory trilled hor Jojous'meeds
For men who knew notjfear.
Let rolling wave and mountain pealc
Tamc's gladsomo story tell,
Let Liberty her triumph speak
Through wildly clanging bell
Where rioats the banner Of the free,
Where Freedom greets its parent treo,
There, there, oh, loyal spirit,
The fame of Perry swelll
I Cleveland ri.llnDealcr.
Pickpocket Watch me escape.
Bat the stretching suspenders soon
To a Weather Prophet.
Know thct feller Kcrkam, w'at runs th'
Out yui'der In th' custom house, erway up
neer th" top?
Wall, jew kin go an' tell "Im, th' derned con
We're giltln' tired uv th' way he's burnin' up
Ez long cz et wuz summer, we dldcnt kecr
Fer we knowed cz how thet wuz th' time th'
wether l.cd ter burn;
But now el'e in September, an' he ain't got
Ter keep us all ersteamln' an' crswettin'
in th" fall.
Jes like th' cu's.i-ocsarn him, ct nllers wuz
thet way, ,
He's bin erfulin' uv us sence fus' he cum ter
We ax him fer dry wether, an' th" clouds
begin tcr bus'.
An' w'en er rain wuz needed, he'd make ct
dry ez dus'.
Th' sun Is Jes' erblazln', an' th air don'
make er ftir,
An I'd like ter know Jes' w'at thet cuss is
takin' pecpul fer;
Th' guvemment hain't put him thare to act
In sichcr way.
An' if Uncle Sam ud do Wat's rite, he'd
Jes' shut off his pay.
Et'a gettin" on ter winter now, an' 'cordln'
ter th' rool
W'at'slaid down in th' almanack, th' wether
Ehud bo cool;
So thct wether rhark had bes' take kecr an'
mln' w'at he's erbout,
Or sum day we'll Jes' go up thare an' bounce
th" critter out.
New OrleanB Times Democrat.
Mrs. Snapshot (bursting into her hus
band's snuggery) O, Henry, come quick!
Mamma is having a fltl
Mr. Snapshot (Jumping up with alacrity)
I'll bo there in a minute. Where in thun
der is my camera? Truth.
t V . V jTV
THE UMPIRE'S DECISION.
K ,,,, -
2 One squeezed his ball, one seized his bat,
A scowl of hate on each visage eat.
6 Dead sllencn filled tho field's expanse
'While they chucked them in the ambulanc.
im, ii rirniTtrmm
:'- .,, . '
JEST AND EARNEST.
"Is he a good ball player?"
"He can play 11 ko a pawnbroker."
".Like a pawnbroker?"
"Yes. Did ou ever bear of one who
wasn't good on tbe diamond?"
Will the new woman preacher kiss the
bridegroom or the bride when she tics the
The wise man Is be who not only knows
tbe past, but can make provision fur the
"The day of the bathing-dress Joke is
over until next jear," observed the humor
"There was mighty little in It anyhow,"
declared the summer-resort editor.
Fame awaits the woman who claims for
her sex equal rights with man in tbe use of
pronouns. It Is unjust that he, his and him
should be used only In speaking of men and
Take away tbe ice cream Joke,
It must now disappear.
All the girls want oyster stews
Winter will soon be here.
No Occasion for Alarm.
Cunso What do you think of the coming
Cawker Sho Is not worrying me. If
she waits to button her gloes she will
not arrhe in your lifetime or mine
TOLD LV DIALOGUE.
Sportsman's Wife Well, did you get any
feportsman No, but I killed lots of worms
"What do you thlnfcofthat?"saidMr. Tad
dells to his wire, as the two looked at an
"I think the gentleman must have been
prc-sed for time," replied Mrs. Tcddtlls.
"Charles Henderson was smart."
"Why, Just before his rich uncle died he
called the young fellow to him and told him
he hail decided to leave him nothing but
"And Charlie said: 'All right, and then
drew up a check Tor $100,000 and told the
o!d man lo put his autograph on it It
pleavd the old man so much tbathe madeit
$200,000 "-Boston Traveler.
Aunty Johnnie, you must never be afraid
to tell the truth
Johnnie No, aunty, I ain't. It's to tell
a He without being afraid that bothers me.
"Aw, your gwnrdfalher made his money
In trade, I puc&ume," casually remarked
"Yes, m'lord," answered the young Amer
ican girl, "bjt in a c-tllng that the nobility
have not di'ilalncd the real estate busl
ress Selling titles, you kuow." Indian
Mother What did you do with the medi
cine the doctor left for you?
Email Hoy I heard there was a poor boy
III iu the hack street and I took It around
aad left It for him D jndee Weekly News.
Tor what use Is tho growler? Eureka
That's easy. To rush it along.
"Yes," mused the Ox. "The West Is a
great country. Here wc make jursteak
in the summer and Ic-e it again in the
winter." Detroit. Tribune.
There wouldn't have been any milk In
a cocoanut It some dairyman had had the
construction of it. Texas Siftiugs.
All the world's a stage, but some hae
box seats w hile others ba e ts hang on be
hind. Teacher Now, V'ek, you may repeat
the golden text.
Dick Dicks I don't dast; me ladder Is
a stler men. Harrisburg Telegraph.
Bagley, in Brooklyn You ride a great
deal In the trolley cars, don't you Bailey?
Bailey Yes; a good deal.
Bagley Do you havo to, or Is It enly a
Bailey Well, you see, Bagley. if you're
inside a trolley car it can't run over you.
4 'SK'll be down pretty soon," said Johnny
tooung Mr. Hanklnson. "It always takes
hera Ion,? time topaton her good clothe-s."
Thcrewas a bnetsllence. It was broken
"Some people think candy ain't good
for boy:,. It don't never hurt me. It slicks
rfght lo my lungs and makes me grow."
"Yes," said the Inventor, "I think I
sec millions in it, if I can only get tho
thins to work."
"No doubt," -said the .doubting friend.
"What have you in mind now?"
"A scheme for. confining cyclones in
bicycle tires. See? There is your Ideal
motor, at merely the cost of capture."
m ' l
" What was the reason he
" Ho baited his breath
Cupid can see!
In olden days tbe goa was blind.
Now he can see.
lie's wle, too, and will snare for thee
A sweetheart suited to thy mind
Wealth, beauty, birth shall be combined.
Now be can see.
Cupid can see!
O, youths unvoiced, take heart of grace,
Now he can see.
All done his random yesterday.
For with the times he keepetb pace.
And, lo, there reigns. In Love's high place,
Schooled to Cournee.
Clevelander I tbought for a moment that
girl In bloomers was surely going to ride
over you. Wasn't you scared?
Stranger from Chicago Me scared.
Young man, I wasn't born next door to a
stockyards to be scared by a calf.
i-ra: c i
Father You mustnt be selfish ! this
Johnnie Ouch ! Oh ! Oh I Then you
it to you.
Across the wide expanse of .blue
With white Ings spread In pndo
The yachts, each rope a sinew bent
And struggled o'er the tide
What though the country held its breath
As the beam swung to and fro
The end makes rich amends tor all.
It's got the change to blow.
Let whistles shriek their best and toot,
High o'er their din is heard
Tbe music of a scream that marks
The nation's chosen bird.
Its plumage still unruffled lies,
And if John Bull hopes to set
One feather In his yachting cap
Tho time is not come yet.
A True Friend.
MlssSummermald I hardly know wheth
er lo be anry with little Charley Tape
counter or not.
Miss Ennygirl Why, dear?
"Hesaldhecould guess myage.and when
I dared him to he said he thought too much
of me to do so before others. Cincinnati
Why docs tbe cycle maiden ride
As fast as e'er she can?
Doubtless her keen eye hath descried
Not far ahead a iani
New York Recorder.
WitestWn. &fltf$temm Es
4 . J L 1 V. rr ' -itai it Li frfLy 'li'
-us jg im-,
S Each breast was filled by murder dire
As Minnie's gaze fanned Loo'a desire.
f Alas for Love! what has beeome 7 She has cot wept, she has not sighed
01 her aweot Minnie Geranium? But has skipred the town as the nmciro's bride.
did not catch any fish ?"
instead of the book."
Therefore, No Thaw.
One exceedingly warm day in July a
neighbor met an old man and remarked
that it was very hot.
"Yes," said Joe, "if it wasn't for oco
thing I thould say that we were going to
have a thaw."
"What is that?" inquired the friend
"There's nothing froze," said Joe. Tit
Tho Decision Went.
There in tbe dust, foot-sore and weary he
"How sad, how unjust!" tbe world cried,
"to perish in tbe very sight of home."
But the umpire refused to reverse ids d
cisitin. Bockland Tribune.
Ethclbcrta, In runaway carriage Oh,
Tom, let us Jump quick.
Tom, leisurely 'Twould only be trouble
for nothing. We shall be thrown out; in a
will teah you It is far better to give than
can have it, pop. Jus' stop and I'll give
A blind man was singing in the street,
with a crowd about him. A ladyand gen
tleman stopped a moment in passing. Said
6be: "Isn't It awfully Bad?"
Said be: "Under the circumstances, yes.
Wbataplty thepoor man wasn't deaf; then
It wouldn't be nearly so bad for htm."
"Washington, D. C.
"Say, pop, what does the letters D. O.
mean dat day always puts after Washing
"Dey means daddy of his country, yo'
fool chile, yo' Why doan yo read hist'ty."
Bring on the rope, while roara a shout
Of anger, far and high
With bases full and two men out,
.The villain's muffed a flyl
Clc eland Plain Dealer.
A Bnllroad Advocate.
"I'm in favor or railroads," Bald th
"Yes, they're a great Institution; had
my leg cut off and got $3,000 damages and
a pension for life. It it had only been my
head I'd have owned tbe road." Atlan.
Ua4&&Jte&lk&&: jf Ju