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THE MISPLACED STRAW.
j ,: Iff i' i f 1 11
5 " .
1 Mr. Inkslingor Here, Johnny,
run and got me a glass ut lemonade
It's terribly -warm.
3 All! Thero's nothing llk'o n cold
lemonade on a warm day.
G Ha! Da! Hal
GRANTS COUNCIL OF 1TA11.
He Never Slid a "Word, Jut Sat and
'In one respect Grant," said Col. McFall,
ot St. Louis, who served with liim before
YiekEburg, "was a source of great worri
ment to the commanding officers taking
part In liis councils of war," quotes -an ex
change. "This came.from his reticence during the
councils, and his prompt individual action
afterward. Grant would sit and listen to
all the others had to say, smoking his cigar
and occasionally taking a drink as this hos
pitable refreshment might he passed around.
Then, when the talk -was" all over and
every one had expressed his opinion as to
what should be done. Grant would leave the
tent and go to Rawlins, his chief of staff,
and begin Issuing orders. No one knew
to what decision he had arrived, and they
would have no Idea what thenext movement
was to be until their orders were received.
Especially to Gen. John A. Logan, who
commanded the division of which my regi
ment was n part, after McPberson was
killed, waB this trait of Grant's a trial.
It all!' Logan would say In his im
petuous way, if Grant would only give us
some idea of what he was thinking about!
But no, he just listens without n word and
them- when we have told all we know and
think, off he goes to Rawlins, and that's the
last we see or hear of him until his orders
for the next movement come trf us."
2Jot Ills Worrit.
4 'Do your worst!" she whispered hoarsely.
Ills heart failed him.
"Do your worst!"
The fateful words rang in his ears and he
"was just as anxious as his wife to get rid
of the company who had called, but ho
concluded at the last moment to do only,
his worst but one.
Accordingly he played, butdld notsing.
Jnok Ynien Is a ves,el
Helen I don't know.
Jack When she makes
How He Took It.
Ad exchange tells a story of a Scotch min
ister whose physician ordered him to drink
beef tea. The next day, when the doctor
called, the patient complained that the
-3ew drink made him sick.
"Why, sir," said the doctor, "that can't
be. I'll try it myself."
As he spoke he poured some of the tea
into a skillet, and set It on the fire. Then,
shaving warmed it, he tasted it, smacked
his lips and said:
"Man," said the minister, "Is that the
way ye sup it?"
"Of course. What other wayshoulditbe
euppttl It's excellent!"
"It may be gude that way, doctor, but
try it wl cream and sugar, man'. Try it
wl' that and see hoo ye like It."
" " ' ma,, l, ... I
2 Hero's a nickel for you.
4 rja Ha! Tlmt Is tlie funniest Joko
I ever' snvvr"
C-!!l ?5 1!!
He Was Experienced.
What wonder that Harold Hustleton was
proud and happy. Had he not vjon the heart
and hand of the fairest and loveliest girl in
the whole town?
Harold could scarcely believe in his good
luck. And as he sat by her side and watched
the evening star glimmering faintly above
the orange flush which marked where, the
sun had sunk behind the hills he felt moved
to ask her the fourteenth" question of -the
lover's catechism, i. c., "How had It hap
pened that she had chosen him out of all the
men In her wide circle of acquaintances to
be responsible for her future happiness?"
"Surely she must. have known better fel
lows than he -was," he urged; "richer and
handsomer and more athletic. Why had she
chosen him?" '
"Oh, Harold, you mustn't be too modest,"
replied Ada, as she gently pushed back tile
hair from his forehead. "You have n great
many traits -which none of my other friends
possess. Ybtf are so thoughtful of my wel
fare, mi lender and so considerate, so obe
dient to my slightest wish. I think it was
those thiugs which first won me to you, and
I have never regretted, it; for, -Harold,
you are simply an ideal lover."
"Oh, my 'darling, -you- don't know how
glad I am to hear you say so," exclaimed
he, as he drew her' near to him and kissed
"Yes, dear, and some day you must let
me meet her and thank her for making you
what you .are,!' continued Ada.
"Meet whom? My mother?" asked Har
"N'o, narold, not your mother," (-he said,
sweetly; "I want to thank the girl -who
broke you in." Boston Traveler.
Costlier Tlmiui Presidential Campaign
The Spanish campaign in Cuba Is reported
to have cost $20,000,000 up to date, and
hasn't even carried a precinct. San Fran
lilto a bad' pnstry" cook?
Hi' Knew nis Helatives.
A well-K'n0wir'Br6dklyn contractor who
died recently Jaime from a family of Irish
men noted for their quarrelsome disposi
tions: -His lawyer'was somewhut surprised
when he read his will to come across a
-"If my relatives fight over this -will
when I am dead, I will write a codicil that
will make their heads swim." New STork
- - - Foresight.
"I understand you are playing the
races," said his employer. "We cannot
"But I am on the inside,." explalned'the
clerk. "1 always win Dearly."
"That's Just what, we're kicking on.
Flrst thing we know you -will have enough
"money ahead to feel that you want'a ralM
Id salary." Indiananolla Journal.
ij. I ip
Driver of Bolting Tandom (tp roctor,.who has.aeceptea.a Jift. across tho park): "All right, Mr. Port
ley don't bo frightened! The sunk foucu is snre.to stop 'eml'
a. , .,". .... - ..,..., . Punch.
HAD I1EEX TIIHOTJCill THE 3IILL.
Working for Jersey Faniiers Had No'
Attraction for tin" Trunip.
When a healthy but hnrd-up looking
man htruck me for a dime as I crossed
City Hall park the other afternoon, I said
"Why do you hang around New York and
live" in this way, when you could at least
rani yoour board and clothes out in the
"In which direction, for instance?" ho
"Why, go over among the Jersey far
mers. They must want help this time of
"Do you know anything about the Jer
give you board and lodging to dig potatoes
or husk corn."
"They would, eh?" ho smiled. "My
friend, don't you bank on the Jersey farmer
if you don't want to get left. I've known
him for llicse last ten years. See this scar
on my head? D'ye notice that I limp In
my walk? See how my no&o has. been
broken? It I dared .to peel off here I could
show you tho scars i wf twenty different dog
"Is the Jersey farmer to blame?" I
"You are dead right he Is!" was the re
ply. "I'll take my chances with trolley
cars, police, bicycles, mad dogs, runaways,
cloudbursts and cyclones, but I don't want
to run up ag'ln mi Jersey farmer."
"What's wrong with him?"
"I never topped to find out. Indeed, I
never had time to stop. About the time I
got through the gate and had my tale of
woo worked up tbo Jersey farmer and
the Jersey bulldog made it their business
Lieutenant: "Hero, llttlo cbppic, give ma a
light, will yon?"
to jump me over tho fence and run me into
the next county. Why, I've been found
dead on the Jersey highways fourteen
different times, and there's no" giving fig
ures on the tim;s I've been mortally wound
ed! No, slr-c-e! Tell me to go to Halifax:
If you feci a friendly interest in me, but
don't try to work no Jersey farmer job on
the undersigned!" Detroit Free Press.
"What rot this third term Is! Cleveland
haEii't said he wants it"
"Nope. Ever hear a girl at a party offer
to play a piano?"
"Ever hear one say she couldn't, 'sir she
had a sprained finger, 'n' so on?"
"What'll you take?" N. Y. Recorder.
JtiRht You Are.
"D'you reckon it's true," asked Mosely
Wraggs, rolling a little further in the shade
of the tree as the sunshine caught up with
him, "that every feller's got iron in his
" 'Course It's true," said Tufford Knutt,
shifting his quid to the other check.
"Then it must be scrap iron that's in Jim
Corbelt'sblood," rejoined the other, yawn
ing dismally. Chicago Tribune.
. Cynic Love blinds a man.
Chappie Not if he happens to be a girl's
father instead of her lover. Truth.
1 iltif iPil gsmzmi
uiiiji E.i -!cr.ii-!BF' I -'.mzMvviczismt. ;un rzz.ix raw , , al heeuj -rs&cr tm
TIMES, SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 22, 1895.
COMINGTO a f:ull:stor
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Trials of a -Teacher..
- The school teacher is very poorly paid
'for "his" wearisome work of irrTparTiug wls-
dotu to his pupThi, if many of his pupils
are like .throne dcscrlhyd,,!njhe, ollo.wjmj,
'dialogue. The boy found it difficult to
Teacher BupjMjse,' Fritz.- you.have-.a
stocking on one foot, and you put another
stocMng'nn tlio-"Whr 'foot, how many
' would you have on both feet?. .,,..- ,,.,
Boy I never wear no stockings.
T8uppose' your' father has one pig In a
pen. and bc'tiuys another pig and. puts It
in the peri, how many pigs will there be in
thepeuT--' .-,...-.. .-,-"Dad
don'trkeep no pigs."
The' teacher blew a heavy slgb from his
Wired lips, wiped, the pertpiration.from his
scholastic brow, and went at it again with
'Supix5se you have one Jacket, andiat
Christmas your father makes you a pres
ent of-nnotherjneket, huWinany Jackets
will you have then?" .....
"lie ain't that kind of a father. He never
gives nothln' on Chrltmns.-"- - . .
"leuppose your mother gives you one
apple, and you have one already, what will
you have then?"
"Stomach ache. Ourjapples are cookln
apples" . ..
The teacher, was not tie man to be dls
couraged at trifles. He began to suspect
that the boy. was not wellup in arithmetic,
but he resolved to make one morceffort,
so he said: " -
fHf a poor little beggarr.boy has a'cake,
and you give him one more. how mauy.will
he have?" . R u
"I dunno. I eat tnyjtjvn.cakcs."
Then the teacher told the children tq.go
out and play. Texas Si Kings.
jsnjrLfHr ii ; a ii tw"ist,mmmmivt..-
j r S'" .:?-. .-. .ve? S- . J
', Zsj .kt&&i4fcia!iS".tx?i'X?'S. 3s ss
A PARDONABLE ERROR.
. '. jit-J-; -7-T
Happy Thought j,.
She (on the evening of the wedding day)
Oh, H.irry, Just look what a large piece
of wedding. cuke, has.beeu-leftl Whatever
"shall we do with It?
He I'll tell you what, ' my "dear. ' I'll
send It to the night watchmanut our works;
then 'I will be sure he won't sleep to-night.
The Doctor's Advice.
"Have you no pen and ink?" said a
doctor to apoor woman, whose boy he was
"Well, I have lost my pencil; give me a
hit of chalk."
The doctor chalked a perscrlptlbri on the
door, telling her toghe it to her son whe
"Take 'it, my boy, take it," said'the old
woman, lifting the door, from Its hinges
and carrying it to the poor boy when he
opened his eyes. "I don't know how you
aro going to do It, but the doctor says.it
is good nnd you had better try to bolt it."
"Bike" It Is.
A sensitive stickler for the eternal fitness
ot things objects in print to the word
"bike," because it is.not a contraction of
the word for which it,i8 used. He is in favor
of "bice" or "cikc" if there jnust be an ab
breviation. It is "bike," and bike it will
remain despite Its ugliness and Its conflict
with the proprietieh.r;B94ton Herald,
1 f Tl
'"Have you any .'morerecoida'tliaC need
6kjB.iM-t .,:. nv
A Kind Hiislucnd.
"Wlfcy, dear, I have Just bought you two
bottles of extra old Barolo for your birth
day." - .
"But you know very well I never drink
"Well, then, I'll drink Irmysclfcto your
good health." Tld Bits.
' Earning aii Honest Fenny.
l Miss Lily nestles familiarly on the lap of a
young gentleman who has been paying his
addresses to her big sister all through the
springtime of this year.
"Tell me, sir, are you well off?"
.iYes, my little pet."
"Are you very-vveil off?" , .
"Why, what difference can it make to you
whether I am ricii or not?"
"You see my big sistersald yesterday that
she would give twenty francs to know if
vou were well off, and I should like to earn
the money ."-r-Tid Bits.
" Magistrate Prosecutor accuses you of
having bitten-his hand.
Prisoner That is ;mj0S8ib!c, sir; I am
a vegclarian.-r-N'cw York World.
A Griiit Success.
awdley Bnaggs says ho is a failure as
far as success Is concerned.
"Criffs In other words, he's a success as
far as failure is concerned. Boston Cou
rier. .Many More.
.Blghead It is wonderful how many,
things we have to take on trust In this
.Impecune Yes,-a great many more than
wc can get on trust. Truth.
heavens! Onr colonel's wifel"
A Box of Bonbons.
I sent my Sweet a box of bonbons rare,
Cupid's confections, colored pink and
.Molded in curious shapes with skillful
Rich as the dainties of an Eastern queen.
Alas, the comfits lasted but a day,
I was forgotten when she threw the box
I sent my Rose gay flowers to grace her
Having the whispered prayer beneath
Perchance her pleasure in the pansy's
Might send a tender thought to my re
lief. Again, alas, my fond hopes come to naught.
The flowers faded, with them died the
I Bent my love my heart a wounded
Glowing with gentle passion deep and
ler answer I awaited trembling.
Would 6he accept it, bidmeliveauew?
She,- laughingly, took my heart and broke
The honest love for her with which 'twas
L. D. Morse, In thc'ldler."
Good Morning! Of course, you rend
Tho Evening Times.
. A. ETC. USE FOK
' - r-r-nV
?JlI Ljly,-"Eire: Fire! Fire! - -'
"3 L'efnje fast en
4-Xow youdojhe pumping and
HE DID ME FAMILY YTASHLVG.
Xew York Man THorougHly A 'v"eu by
His IVlfe aiKl a "W.iilp. .
The telegraph has already told the fact
that Mrs. Cathcrine'Mcllvalrie, aged" forty.
Of New York, forced her husband to do the
family washing and ironing. The scene
Intheppllce court befb're'whfcli thehusband
was arraigned for objecting to that form of
petticoat government is not -without a
moral. ' ---''--
"What have you to say to your wife's
charger' asked the Justice.
"Just tills, your honor," said Mcllvaine?
"my wife had me arrested because I was
man enongh to refuse to do the washing
"What!" exclaimed Jpslice. Ryan, .becom
ing interested, "you were asked to do the
".skcd,didyou say?" Why, your honor,,
yorr ain't much acquainted with my wife.
She doesn't ask, she-coitmands, and backs
up her order with a horsewhip. Only last
Thursday I did a whole week's w'asMng.'a'rid
she stood over me on Friday and Saturday
with a horsewhip and mado me do all the
- Ironing And this was"bniy'one''of "agobif
many times, your hoaorthaksna has. done.
thesame thing. She doesn't ask, shedoesn't;
she Just sails right in with, that big-snake
whip o' hers and makes you do it.
'How about that, Mrs." Mcllvaine?"
said Justice Ryan, -looking at the-Trnman':-
"Oh, that's so, what he says," was the
reply. "That's all he''s"good fur. I'll tell
you. Judge, how it was. You sec, I can't
keep a girl to help me. Tbey won't stay
when he's around, "and! don't blame 'em.
So I just made up my mind I'd get somo
good out o' him,. I told him I wouldn't pay
to have the washing done and him loafing
She Is It' true that Hcggy' is dabbling In stock?"
He Yes;.his. father sent Him ,to Texas.
The gardens and the cycle paths
A close resemblance- bear; -
For now the flower-beds arc clothed
With blooming plants so fair;
While o'er the winding wheeling-course
Devotees of the fad
On graceful "bikes" fair maidens speed
Likewise with blonmera-clad.-' '4-,,. ,
WilliamGirard Chapman, Jr.,in Judge.
Alabama Edltoriiil Bliss. . .
The Greenville Advocate force surrounded ,
two largu water mcloiis'the other day and
were happy. After -effects- irof reported.'
The "WorsfTYo Have Seen.
Poor "Valkyrie! And. Ihej say her nob!o
owner was furious. We wondor if he has
Dnnraven yet. Philadelphia Eecord.
tills tire to the pump.
we'll have It out in a
around, and said for him to take hold and
doit. I won't, says he. 'Won't yer says
I, and I got the whip."
"Then he did it?"
"Yes, Judge, he did; but it costs more'n
it's worth to keep hlra at it."
"And so you want him punished?"
"Well, we'll try him with a month and
see if It will help him."
"Thank you. judge," and Mrs. Mcn-
vaiue whisked out of court, -well pleased,
and Alexander went down to prisun.
His Best l'urveyor. "
The grlnvsrectre held his poised dart In
the air. '
"You don't want to take me," the sick
Han feebly expostulated.
"ADd why not?" death grimly responded.
"Because," said the Invalid, a gleam of
hope slidiDg into his face, "because I am
the .nan who peddles the street ice cream
to ehildreD." i
Tho arch enemy lowered his dart and
"Pardon me," he said, "I did not know.
I was troubling one of my best friends."
Rockland Tribune. J
No More Itlsks. .
St. Peter Walk right in, Mrs. Flatte, you
Mrs. Columbus Flatte (of New York,
hesitatingly) Ah yes; certainlyl By tho
way, are those clouds asbestos? Judge.
Appreciation of Ruins.
"This place," observed the guide, show
ircr hLs American vi.-ltor through the
mouldy castle, "is over 000 years old." .,
"Is that all?" said the American, sniffing
the air incredulously. "It smells older."
-Chicago Tribune. -J
Bill Nye and a friend were one day travel
ing by rail through thc&outh and were look
ing outatthecountrythey passed. Suddenly
a razor-back hog- ot the most pronounced
type burst out of the bushes beside the road,
ran along a little way and disappeared. Iua
little while another hog did the same thing.
Nye, saw them. ' "John," said he to his
friend, "there goes the other hair or that
You'll hear any number ot those "razor
back" hog stories when you go down to tho
Atlanta Exposition. The one that Ls really
the best is about the Northern man whosaw
one ot the graceful animals rubbing himself
against, a tree. "Fleas?" said he to a
native. "Oh, no," said the native, "He'a
Good Morning! Of course, you. rend
XI1U KiVVUlllK 1UUCB,